I have been married for 16 years and have three children. My marriage isn’t the best, nor is the sex. I have strayed many times, and it’s always been with women—I love women and I love having sex with women. However, for years I have had a fantasy about being with a transsexual. I recently paid to be with a T-girl escort. She was flipping gorgeous. She had a dick, sure, but she was the hottest fucking girl I have ever seen—absolutely gorgeous. She talked like a girl, looked like a girl, smelled like a girl, had the body of a girl—she was all girl, except for the unit. I have no interest in being with a man. Does seeing this T-girl make me gay?

Walked On The Wild Side

You’re not gay, WOTWS, but you’re not exactly straight either.

There are other points along the gay/straight continuum, WOTWS, and anyone resourceful enough to track down a flipping gorgeous T-girl should be smart enough to figure out where he falls along the gay/straight continuum. But let me end the suspense: You’re a teensy, weensy bit bisexual, WOTWS, just another mostly straight dude who’s into women, into cock, and into women with cocks. But you’re not into dudes, not at all. Just women. And cock.

I’m going to catch hell for this, but hey, I don’t have three “Catcher” T-shirts for nothing: While you’ve got a touch of the bi—just a bit, mostly around your tonsils—you’re not obligated to identify as bi.

An awful lot of “rounding up” and “rounding down” goes on when it comes to sexual identities. There are bi women out there who round themselves up to lesbian because they’re with women or primarily attracted to women or afraid of mean lesbians who hate bi women. (Some of those mean lesbians are, predictably enough, bi themselves.) Some bi guys in gay relationships round themselves up to gay; a small number of gays and lesbians round themselves down to bi in solidarity or something; and lots of bi men and women in straight relationships round themselves down to straight. (And there are gay men and lesbians—100 percent homos—who identify as straight. These closet cases aren’t rounding up or down; they’re lying.)

Backing way the hell up: Sexual identity is a combo platter. There’s who you wanna do, who you are doing, and who you tell people you are. You can’t control who you wanna do—sexual orientation is not a choice—but you get to choose who you wind up doing and who you tell people you are. Don’t wanna have a miserable sex life? Do who you wanna do. Don’t wanna be a messy closet case à la Haggard, Craig, and Rekers? Tell the truth about who you’re doing.

It all seems so black and white, doesn’t it? But that’s because we backed way the hell up. Pull in close and you’ll be able to see the gray—grays like you, WOTWS, guys who are flamboyantly, flamingly, screamingly gray.

I’m a big supporter of gray rights, WOTWS, so I’m not telling you that you’re obligated to identify as bi, WOTWS, even if that is the black-and-white truth. But “bi” means “attracted to men and women,” and you’re not attracted to men. You’re into girls who talk like girls, look like girls, smell like girls, etc., and some of the girls you’re into happen to have dicks. And since trans women are women—even those trans women who’ve decided to keep the genitals they were born with—it’s closer to your truth, if not the truth, for you to identify as straight.

My husband of 10 years has decided to end our marriage due to my occasional indulgences in alcohol and cigarettes. I do not smoke and drink every day. I admit that in the beginning of our courtship I did not tell him about my indulgences. I hid them. After we were married, I was careful not to smoke or drink when we were together. My question is, should I allow my marriage to dissolve due to our differences? I want my husband to love and accept me for the person I am, and I do not want to be controlled.

Won’t Be Controlled

Someone who wants to be loved and accepted for the person she is, WBC, shouldn’t mislead her gentleman callers.

That said, WBC, I assume your husband didn’t find out about the booze and cigarettes yesterday. So the booze and cigarettes, if those are the only reasons your husband gave for wanting to end this marriage, may symbolize a larger pattern of deceit that has long troubled your husband. Or it’s possible the booze and cigarettes are a face-saving dodge: Perhaps your husband is blaming the booze and cigarettes to avoid telling you some harsher truth. Or maybe there’s something about himself that he would rather avoid disclosing. Or maybe he’s an asshole and he’s blaming the booze and cigarettes in order to shift all the blame for the failure of this marriage onto your shoulders.

We can sit here speculating until your lungs turn black, WBC, and it’s not going to change anything: Your husband doesn’t need your consent to obtain a divorce.

Now, you don’t say whether your husband offered to stay if you quit drinking and smoking—and if he didn’t, WBC, then booze and smokes aren’t the issue—but you’re clearly unwilling to give up your indulgences to save your marriage, as you do not wish to be “controlled,” which means that your marriage is over.

I’m a straight guy. My former roommate, also a straight guy, calls all his ex-girlfriends “fucking bitches.” He went on a date with a neighbor. He told me that she was a “fucking bitch” and that she drunk-dialed him several times at 3:00 a.m. She told me, unprompted, that he drunk-dialed her at 3:00 a.m. after she refused to have sex with him.

Do I have any obligation to warn women about him? My friends and I were debating this hypothetically until two days ago, when I saw him on a date with a woman I know. Do I tell her what a douche this guy is?

What Would Dan Do?

If this douche weren’t so transparent—if women didn’t see through him instantly—Dan would feel obligated to warn his female friends. But as this douche is transparent, WWDD, Dan wouldn’t feel obligated to warn women away. Don’t get Dan wrong: Dan would still warn anyone he knew who (1) has a pussy and (2) isn’t a crazy bitch, because Dan’s a meddling douche. But Dan wouldn’t feel obligated. So it’s your call, WWDD.

Do I have a duty to disclose to my wife that a guy licked my balls?

Balls Already Licked Last Summer

There’s more to this question—a lot more—and I actually answered it already. BALLS’s question was the Savage Love Letter of the Day last Wednesday. Folks with the Savage Love app (SLAPP) for iPhone get the letter of the day delivered directly to their phones. To find out what happened to BALLS’s balls, and what he told the wife, get SLAPPed.

CONFIDENTIAL TO CAROLINE AT EMU AND RYAN AT PSU: Thanks for being such wonderful hosts!

mail@savagelove.net

115 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. re: the first letter, I’m surprised Dan didn’t say anything about the infidelity. at least from a health point of view, if he is still having sex with his wife, then he should be getting tested regularly. and hopefully if he’s miserable, he is in the process of getting out of the marriage. kids can detect unhappiness, so unless the problem is purely sexual (and can be solved by fucking other people), the kids are going to be way less happy if their parents stay together than if they divorce.

    WWDD: as a lady, I would say that some guys can be incredibly charming, and then turn out to be just manipulative. so warn them if you want, but his douchey side will probably come out soon enough, so if it makes you uncomfortable, just mention that he might not be the best boyfriend if they ask and otherwise let them figure it out on their own.

  2. May Dan Savage always know health and wisdom and may we all be free to pursue our sexual happiness and fulfillment without bringing harm or suffering to others!

  3. WBC looks more concerned about not being controlled than about loosing her husband. all she says is that she does not drink every day, which does not mean she is not an alcoholic. deffensiveness and emphasis on control by others also point in that direction. maybe the husband got sick of this.

  4. Letter one – blah blah de blahditty blah. Dan has lots to say here, but what I’d say is that gay and straight aren’t always very useful labels, and don’t worry about it. I wouldn’t be putting a lot of energy into deciding what you are or aren’t.

    I *would* be putting some energy into doing something about this marriage. Getting some honesty in there, or ending it, or in some way working toward getting both your needs and those of your wife met.

  5. Dan you’re not going to catch hell for the identity stuff, because who really cares, but you will and should catch it for ignoring the major issue in the guy’s letter, which is that he’s cheating on his wife with paid escorts, possibly among other women, and he’s a chronic cheater who admits it openly and is thus a douchebag.

    The quality of your married sex life doesn’t allow you to cheat, people. News flash: it is not your partner’s fault if monogamy doesn’t suit you and you’re not enough of an adult to value your home and family more than sex with a whore.

    Jesus Dan, READ the letters! Address the situation – not just the question. This dude needs to quit *&^%ing his wife, get an STD test, then sit her down and ‘fess up so that they can arrange their divorce. Who gives a rat’s posterior about what his “sexual identity” is? There are three kids involved and he’s no father to them if he cheats on their mother with hookers and is such a self-absorbed twat that the main issue he has with it is how he has to think about himself some more.

  6. WOTWS: The REAL question is if the Tranny’s balls slapped you in the forehead, or if you got your balls licked? If so, then you’re definitely a fag. Unfortunately, you didn’t provide us with those teensy details.

    WBC: The divorce is probably more about the fact that you won’t be controlled. Or, that you won’t control yourself.

    WWDD: Doesn’t matter what Dan would do. The REAL question is WWJD? And I think the Big J would probably tell it like it is, cause that’s what decent fellas do. No?

  7. I have no idea what Dan would do, but what Paul would do is to warn the women. Just as I would warn guys about a particularly predatory woman, if I had the opportunity.

    Just because he’s your former roommate doesn’t mean you have to support his asshole behavior.

  8. I know I am painting with a broad brush here, but the last married ‘straight’ guy I knew who was into transsexuals basically let his reasoning slip, drunkenly: ‘Men are better than women at everything, including being women. They’re hotter, have great (fake) boobs, and spend all their time trying to be feminine instead of trying to be like men! And they don’t have disgusting, scary vaginas!’

    Yeah… he left his wife. And has major, major rage issues. I know, one case does not make a statistic or whatever, but it’s one perspective…

  9. The problem with warning someone about a potential douchebag is that they won’t listen.

    People like to make their own judgments, and if you warn them, you’ll end up being the douchebag that you tried to warn them against.

  10. Dan’s general perspective is that cheating is okay if it’s making the marriage better. He addresses cheating a lot, and could probably fill the column every single week with questions about it. The question (as obvious as the response was) was about the definition of his sexuality. It doesn’t need to be yet another letter about infidelity.

  13. #12, he didn’t need to state his position again, but he’s also been pretty clear about being first and foremost honest with your partner before ‘straying’ is okay – if you agreed to a open relationship in the first place, that’s different – and that your partner deserves to be safe even if you decide to stray.

    Disappointed he didn’t reiterate that myself, but whatever.

    WWDD – don’t make it a point to seek the women your friend is chasing out, but if it’s someone you know, by all means warn her. In this day and age, there’s a good chance word will get out anyway – a coworker of mine was basically blacklisted from dating any local woman who had a profile on an online dating site (and although I liked him as a friend, he got what he deserved there) – but on the other hand, I wish I would’ve been warned myself with one boyfriend (acquaintances said, after the fact, had a pattern of that behavior – didn’t call me a bitch, but he did use me financially and talked BS about our sex life after we broke up).

    Don’t tell her *not* to date him – just say that you have some information you feel she should know and that it’s her decision in the end.

  16. Don’t think for a minute Dan missed the infidelity issue in the wild side letter. If Dan is anything, he is meticulously thorough. He thoughtfully gave it the level of attention he felt it desired, by omitting to address it. On the other hand, the issue that Dan loves to address and pound into his readers thick little helmets is that of the continuum of sexual preference – a captivating issue of much wider public interest than boring old infidelity (especially if that move down the continuum involves some break in the traditional hetero relationship). And to top it off, in this case the subject is what most people would consider a middle of the road fella with a good number of married years under his belt, kids, probably a good father and overall nice guy who occasionally strays (come on, who doesn’t these days), and now – bingo, has discovered cocks, albeit attached to georgeous chicks. We are being told, hey its perfectly ok to enjoy what you like and try not to get too hung up on any label – just go with it. It’s somewhat liberating….

  17. Those of you complaining about the lack of smartphones should note that the Letter of the Day is available on Dan’s Blog. No app necessary.

  18. I don’t think it’s right to implicitly support infidelity in ordinary cases. Just break things off. Life is complicated enough without lying all the fucking time. The extraordinary cases involve either 1) a terminal spouse or 2) a spouse who becomes incapable of sex for medical reasons after the marriage has begun, but refuses to allow their spouse to bang other people.

    I live my life under a policy of full-disclosure. Maybe your wife wants to open up the marriage but she’s afraid to tell you. Maybe she’ll kick your ass out for even thinking of straying–in which case, congratulations, you’re now free to fuck whoever and whenever. Either way, honesty is the only policy with the two exceptions listed above.

    Thanks for getting something right about transfolk, Dan (that transwomen are women even if they still have penises). It’s surprisingly refreshing.

  21. Am I the only one who is surprised that someone who reads (and would write to) SavageLove would marry someone who is a hardcore teetotaler? Or am I just tipsy? I mean, that does appear to be a glass of wine in my hand, but, really… if it truly is an “occasional indulgence”, as the writer insists, wtf is the issue? Ending a 10-year relationship over “occasional indulgences” like booze and tobacco seems ridiculous and controlling….

  22. Sorry, not gonna spend $200 to see what advice you gave to some incredibly inane letter.

    Also, I was really hoping this was gonna be about aliens.

  23. About warning girls about your douche friend, consider this: you are about the same age, no? So you are essentially dating from the same pool. If he dates them and f*ks them up in the head, they are less datable for you. Just like the campsite rule (you should always try to leave the people you date in as good or better condition than when you met them) you have to look out for your own potential future campsites. If some ass hat is leaving trash around, do your best to stop him.

  27. No one’s going to read this comment, but I’m not sure why people are surprised that Dan’s supporting married mens’ right to stick their dicks into any consenting orifice and lie about it. That’s been his basic stance for years. The fact that the majority of spouses would be heartbroken if they found out is, to him, grounds for lying, not for talking it out first.

    I am sure he would support a woman’s right to insert anyone’s willing body parts into her vagina regardless of marital status and lie about it, but I’ve seen maybe two letters like that in five years, while cheating husbands pretty much crop out weekly. The stance in the comments tend to be that that’s because bitches ain’t shit. I think it’s because married men and married women tend to have different amounts of free time, and if you aren’t careful to check in with yourself every so often, both giving birth and birth control can fuck up your sex drive something fierce.

  29. There may be more to Ms. “I don’t need no stinkin’ rules” letter, or there may not. I have a couple of friends whose spouses get really upset whenever they indulge in ANYTHING. Heck, one of them gets pissed off about COFFEE. She’s never hidden the fact that she’s addicted to peppermint mochas and drinks about 6 of them a year. Suddenly it’s a big deal, as of about a year ago…he claims she should be able to maintain the abstinence from all things unholy to the temple of body that she undertook while she was pregnant. Between the small and large babies in the house, she’s drinking more coffee than ever. 🙂 This is not the only example I have of irrationally and sometimes suddenly controlling spouses.

    People can sometimes be controlling. I think you’re right that if he didn’t offer to stay if she quit, then he’s making up excuses. She could also check her behavior by asking other friends and family members about it (NOT the friends she “indulges” with). If all her friends and family say she doesn’t appear to have any problems, I would be worried about HIS control issues, not her attitude.

  30. There may be more to Ms. “I don’t need no stinkin’ rules” letter, or there may not. I have a couple of friends whose spouses get really upset whenever they indulge in ANYTHING. Heck, one of them gets pissed off about COFFEE. She’s never hidden the fact that she’s addicted to peppermint mochas and drinks about 6 of them a year. Suddenly it’s a big deal, as of about a year ago…he claims she should be able to maintain the abstinence from all things unholy to the temple of body that she undertook while she was pregnant. Between the small and large babies in the house, she’s drinking more coffee than ever. 🙂 This is not the only example I have of irrationally and sometimes suddenly controlling spouses.

    People can sometimes be controlling. I think you’re right that if he didn’t offer to stay if she quit, then he’s making up excuses. She could also check her behavior by asking other friends and family members about it (NOT the friends she “indulges” with). If all her friends and family say she doesn’t appear to have any problems, I would be worried about HIS control issues, not her attitude.

  31. @ comment 29: I don’t know what sex advice column you’ve been reading, but I’ve seen numerous letters from women describing intollerable home sex lives and seeking permission or affirmation on their cheating and the non-disclosure thereof. Remember, for every pussy starved husband seeking a warm hole to fill, there’s also just as many cock craving wives looking for a cock to be filled with.

    Because of cultural influences, women tend to be more discreet about their dalliances than men to avoid the “ho” label. Nevertheless, women are no less sexual than men and are equally as interested in getting off as is the opposite sex.

    In support of the aforementioned theory, I offer my own primitive, but real world experiences. As a college student I earned beer and gas money by driving a limo on weekends and at night. Since I was the young guy, I wound up driving most of the bachelor and bachelorette parties. I’d probably ferried north of 75 such groups over a two year period.

    For the guys, I’d invariably be asked to take them to the local titty bars where the buddies would buy the groom a lap dance(s). If he wasn’t yet vomiting on himself, he’d sit passively in the chair on his hands while the buddies yelled and screamed and paid $40 for the pleasure of seeing their friend get tits rubbed in his face and the lingering aroma of strawberry douche. I cannot think of even one trip on a bachelor party where the groom was banging some chick in the back of the limo.

    On the other hand, women usually made a circuit of the local clubs and went about dancing and drinking the night away. Once sufficiently intoxicated, and after squirting everyone in sight with their cock shaped water guns, more often than not, the future bride wound up in the back of the limo getting drilled by some guy she’d hooked up with in one of the clubs. On at least three of said occassions the driller happened to be the limo driver himself;-) Can I get an AMEN, brothers?

    Although not conducted scientifically, I think my experiences would constitute empirical evidence of my hypothosis, that women are just as naughty as men and equally as apt to cheat.

    Maybe they’re just not as open about it.

  33. Won’t Be Controlled’s husband really does sound unreasonable and controlling. Dan is right that is isn’t within her power to stop him from divorcing her (unless she wants to give in and let him control her behavior–and her behavior does not seem problematic) but really that guy sounds like no loss at all. I am not much of a drinker myself and if I could never drink again for health reasons or something I could give it up easily, but if my husband demanded I never drink again just to appease him I would sure as shit have a problem with it.

  34. An escort for mental masturbation. Nice work when you can get it, Dan!

    If being passive to oral stimulation qualifies and requires being received only once, the percentage of bisexual men is probably closer to 50% than 0%!

    Religious fundamentalists use this easy shortcut to sin (as they see it) when spinning the line that being gay is a choice.

    Sexual orientation isn’t a choice when a person is homo or hetero but bisexual people do make choices between allures offered by each gender. Such choices are in/of the moment of course. What’s in dispute are the percentages.

    Sex for me is essentially a private affair; not talking about it is as reasonable as touting it and more reasonable than lying about it. YMMV!

  36. I have to say the title “GRAY RIGHTS” title really led me down the garden path as to what the article was going to be about! (Hey, everybody should enjoy sex! Except I don’t want to think about my parents. Or grandparents. Ever.) And what a great overview of how people self identify their sexuality. As a bi who has at times rounded down to het and other times rounded up to homo (but at all times queer), I particularly appreciated this.

    @29 I’ve not seen Dan advocate lying. Yes, he believes that open marriages can work — if people work at them and don’t lie to each other. Yes, he believes that most men are by nature non-monogamous — not being a man I’ll have to defer on that one. AND yes, he believes that a one time case of cheating in of itself doesn’t have to destroy a relationship . But none of that is advocacy of ongoing lying in a relationship. Perhaps you should provide some links to support your assertions. After all, I’ve only gotten about two thirds of the way through the archives & thru two of his books in the last few months.

    AND HEY, ALL OF YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT NO APPS, I GOT Y’ALL TRUMPED: PODCASTS? I CAN’T EVEN HEAR THEM. 😛 😀

    Poor Dan, either folks bitch at him for not including the letter or bitch at him for including the letter when it previously appeared in his blog 🙂

    Anyway, the letter in question is at http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive… and it is maybe the funniest letter ever PLUS great comments (including the original letter writer) so set your deficient phones aside and go read & enjoy…

  37. Woah, down on the ladies week.

    1. TELL YOUR WIFE you are having sex with hookahs. Doesn’t Dan tell everyone to be open and honest? So be open and honest. Sleeping with T-girl hookers? Honey, get tested. Wife of dude, get tested. And probably leave him because who puts someone else at risk like that? Let alone, who puts their life partner at risk like that?

    2. Sounds like you either need to stand up to him and say, this is me. Or let him dissolve the marriage, and lesson learned. From your tone, it sounds like you act meek when you really feel very different. Perhaps it’s a pattern of you feeling you acquies to other people, and then wonder why they don’t appreciate you? Anyhow, a marriage is bigger than booze and ciggies. Clearly it’s important to both of you – if you want to stay together – why don’t you just drink/smoke on the weekends?

    3. FUCK YES you need to tell people. THANK YOU for being a responsible citizen.

    4. Sounds like a fun story. I dig.

    Dan, your orthodox Catholic upbringing shines through sometimes – you really disregarded the ladies this week.

  38. Well, Dan did create the acronym CPOS to describe cheaters, so I’m not sure he’s been all that easy on them.

    For those who don’t read SL enough to develop an informed opinion, that stands for Cheating Piece Of S**t.

  39. Woah, down on the ladies week.

    1. TELL YOUR WIFE you are having sex with hookahs. Doesn’t Dan tell everyone to be open and honest? So be open and honest. Sleeping with T-girl hookers? Honey, get tested. Wife of dude, get tested. And probably leave him because who puts someone else at risk like that? Let alone, who puts their life partner at risk like that?

    2. Sounds like you either need to stand up to him and say, this is me. Or let him dissolve the marriage, and lesson learned. From your tone, it sounds like you act meek when you really feel very different. Perhaps it’s a pattern of you feeling you acquies to other people, and then wonder why they don’t appreciate you? Anyhow, a marriage is bigger than booze and ciggies. Clearly it’s important to both of you – if you want to stay together – why don’t you just drink/smoke on the weekends?

    3. FUCK YES you need to tell people. THANK YOU for being a responsible citizen.

    4. Sounds like a fun story. I dig. – I read the letter – bravo! I wonder if it’s my wife and her husband that live up in Portland….

  40. I read WOTWS’s letter over & over, & nothing in it denotes the sex of the writer. Nothing. The LW actually *could* be a woman. However, i do like Dan’s idea of “rounding up or down”, and so it really doesn’t matter what the sex of the LW is as it pertains to sexual preferences. That said, i tend to agree with responders who are telling WOTWS to stop cheating on the unsuspecting spouse & get into marriage &/or personal therapy. Nothing like an STD or STI to “round things out”, right?

  41. Bought the app. Somewhat disappointed. Sure, it delivers a Savage Love Letter of the Day. Problem is, it’s not always the one that’s posted on SLOG. It’s often an archive one. This is irritating. The archives on the app also only go back to 2003. So if you want to read older stuff, you have to wade through the archives on the web.

    Of course, for $1.99 or whatever, you get what you pay for.

    Which includes a picture of Dan that vibrates when you tap it. I have no words.

    As for today’s letters, yeah, whatever.

  42. Bluejean – The fact that the reader is questioning their sexuality after being with somebody with a penis is a pretty big clue. The user also states that he has no interest in being with a man. If it was a woman writer she would clearly be gay and wouldn’t be asking the question.

  44. If I were in WWDD’s situation, I’d handle the Douche Warning System on a case-by-case basis. It’s a double-standard, yeah, but I’d go to a lot more effort to warn women I knew to have a pattern of putting up with abusive douchebags (or a simple social blind spot towards them) than I would some random stranger I saw him having a beer with.

    Maybe, if he’s dating his co-workers or something, warn one or two of those (if they don’t know what he’s like already) and the warning will get around on its own from there.

  46. Um, hello all you commenters whining about not having smartphones: It’s a Letter Of The Day. It was in the Savage Blog. You are presumably reading this online, so it can’t be that hard to go look for it there, if you want to read the rest of it. If Dan had published the entire letter, a whole different set of folks would be whining about how he doesn’t work hard enough and is re-posting things…

  47. @Bluejean Baby If the writer was female, married to a man, and cheating with women frequently I’d think there would be little questioning of sexual identity. The fact that the writer was worried cheating a someone with a dick would make them gay is a very clear indication that it’s a man writing.

  48. Wow, would everyone chill the fuck out about Dan not addressing the “cheating” in the first letter? That’s not what the writer was asking about, and he didn’t even indicate whether or not his wife knew about the “straying”…because that wasn’t relevant. He wasn’t asking, “How can I repair my marriage,” or even “Am I a CPOS?” He was asking, “Am I less straight than I thought?” If Dan wanted to address the “cheating” issue, he would’ve had to ask that writer for more info about it, and frankly, I’m glad he didn’t waste time on that BECAUSE IT WASN’T THE GUY’S QUESTION.

    Ahem. Also, as much as I enjoyed Dan’s response to this letter, I think I somewhat prefer this explanation from an older column:

    So what’s up with the she-male thing? It’s like this: Straight boys love tits. Straight boys also love cock. In most cases straight boys are enamored of their own cocks exclusively, and there’s nothin’ queer about that. But for a tiny minority of straight guys, their love of cock extends to other cocks. This “thing” is most commonly expressed by a taste for “straight” porn that prominently displays cock. Most straight guys who enjoy cock in their porn identify with the other men’s cocks, enjoying the thrill of living vicariously through them. But a thin slice of these straight guys actually lust after cock—but just the dicks, GIIRL, not the dudes. An even thinner slice of this already thin slice of the straight-guy pie actively long for dick—a dick other than their own—but they’re straight, you see, and they don’t want to mess around with an actual dude, just a cock. And that’s where she-males come in—excuse me, cash in. They’ve got dicks and their dicks aren’t attached to dudes. Their dicks are attached to babes, and cock-hungry straight boys will pay them good money for the pleasure of their company.

    So is your boyfriend gay? No, he’s not. I don’t know any gay men who lust after she-males; that obsession is an exclusively straight-identified-male-with-a-hunger-for-cock phenomenon. His she-male obsession technically disqualifies him from the 100-percent-straight category, but it doesn’t necessarily make him bi or gay—just a touch queer. If you’re not down with that, well, then DTMFA.

  50. Well, you tell me. I haven’t considered myself anything other than queer for a long time. But I rarely use “bi” because it just doesn’t seem like the right label. “Bi” sounds like I have to have one of each hanging around at any given time or that all my partners have to divide up equally by each, N men and N women. That’s not even taking into account the sexuality of each of my partners, only their current sex.

    The rounding up and rounding down quite frankly happens when I am a) with someone specific or b) talk about a specific man or woman as a past/present sexual partner, and the rounding up or down is done by the person seeing me with my partner or the person hearing me speak of a former partner.

    So, whatever.

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