I’m a 27-year-old divorced woman. I married the first man I ever had sex with, and we had a very vanilla sex life. He refused to try any play with dominant/submissive roles. My fantasies have always involved my submission.
My current boyfriend is very open and experienced. With him, I’ve tried being held down during sex, light bondage, dirty talk, gentle choking, etc. The sex is AMAZING. Here’s my problem: A few nights ago while we were watching TV and cuddling, he started to stroke my body. I asked if I could touch myself and if he would keep watching TV while I did it. I had the most intense orgasm of my life while he ignored me.
I said that I’d like to explore it more if he’s open to it (he is). My concern is that this submission might spill over into the relationship. I am NOT submissive in the relationship; we’re very much equals. I know that he sees it as a sexual kink and is very GGG, but I’m concerned that it could lead to him thinking that I want to be ignored in other aspects of the relationship.
Seeing as this is my second relationship and the first time I’ve been able to indulge my submissive desires, I might be worrying over nothing. I’m feeling like an emotionally leotarded, sexually repressed teenager.
Scared Of Submission
Keep talking to your boyfriend, leotard, and you’ll be just fine.
At first it struck me as odd that you would be troubled by a thoroughly sweet moment of soft-focus, fuzzy-bunnies dom/sub intimacy and not by the other, arguably more intense, SM games you’ve been playing with your boyfriend. There you are getting held down, tied up, talked down-and-dirty to, and “gently choked” (gentle or not, choking is a bad idea)… and you’re worried that being ignored while you masturbate takes you into new and dangerously submissive territory?
After a moment’s thought, I realized why this particular game troubled you so much: All of that other stuff took place in obviously sexual contexts, i.e., it happened in the bedroom while you were getting it on. This game—a game you initiated—began during a moment of not specifically sexual intimacy. You were cuddling, you were watching TV, you weren’t having sex. If dom/sub games can break out when you’re just sitting there watching TV, who’s to say that dom/sub games can’t break out when you’re doing the dishes? Or at the movies? Or having dinner with your parents?
You can have the dom/sub dynamics you enjoy without having to worry about them slopping over into other areas of your life, SOS, by being assertive, communicative, and vigilant. If you can ask a man to ignore you and keep watching TV while you masturbate, SOS, you should be able to say this to him: “Being submissive turns me on when we’re having sex—and the minute I started masturbating, we were having sex—but if you treat me like anything other than your equal when we’re not having sex, Sir, I will kick your fucking ass.”
My guy wants to come in my mouth. I am fine with the act, but he produces a high volume of ejaculate, like three tablespoons’ worth. The only thing I can think of is getting him most of the way there and letting him come on my face. Any advice on how I can do this for him?
GGG Sex Partner
I measured out three tablespoons of half-and-half, GSP, and you couldn’t drown a kitten in it, much less a GGG sex partner. An adult should be able to knock that back without much trouble.
Give the man a blowjob, GSP, and let him come in your mouth. If there’s too much ejaculate to swallow, or if you can’t manage to precisely time swallows to spurts, allow the excess ejaculate to run out of the corners of your mouth. If you don’t want to swallow any ejaculate, close the top of your throat when he begins to come and spit it all out—into your hand or onto a towel—or just let it run down and over his dick once he’s done.
I recently started college, and I met an amazing woman. Call her Jennifer. She’s talented artistically, poetically, and with a blade. I met her at the Renaissance Club, and the first time I saw her at Fight Circle I was intrigued. Older club members often adopt new club members. Jennifer and her girlfriend, Robin, adopted me as their daughter. A couple weeks afterward, we decided to have a pet/Mistresses relationship between the three of us. I was content with this because it would allow me to get closer to Jennifer. One night, she and I “slept” together, and soon afterward, Jennifer decided to put the pet/Mistress relationship on hold because she didn’t want to drag me into her relationship drama.
I’m not sure what to do: Should I wait for them to break up (they have been having arguments lately and Robin still isn’t aware that Jennifer and I “slept” together), wait for Robin to allow us to have a pet/Mistress relationship again, or just move on?
Ex-Pet Lesbian
Sword fights, adoptions, pets, Mistresses, faux-incest/pseudo-bestiality role-playing games—a lot has changed at Liberty University since I was an undergrad. Look, EPL, if Jennifer and Robin are falling apart, step back and be patient. That way you won’t be held responsible by the rest of Renaissance Club once you and Jennifer resume your pet/Mistress/mommy/daughter/whatever routine.
I am living with a man whom I deeply love. I recently noticed that he is watching porn when I am not around. My self-esteem crashed when I learned this because he often claimed to be too tired to have sex. At the same time, I noticed that since he started watching porn, we have had a lot more sex. Can you help me sort this out so I can bandage up my wounds?
Bummed By Porn
I get lots of letters from women—and some from men—complaining about “too tired for sex” partners sneaking off to watch porn. I had to read your letter twice to make sure I wasn’t seeing things: Your partner used to claim he was too tired for sex, which presumably bummed you out, but now that he’s watching a little porn, you’re having a lot more sex… and you’re still bummed out?
He’s using porn to get his juices flowing, BBP, and those juices are ultimately flowing into you. Perhaps you should be grateful to porn for the way it’s improved your sex life.
I’m a straight male who skipped the sleeping around phase and went straight to long-term boyfriend. Now in my 30s, I find myself wanting to make up for lost time. I’ve talked to my girlfriend of eight years about threesomes, arrangements, swinging—anything to sleep with other women and still hold on to my relationship. She has a low sex drive and doesn’t want to waste what little she has on other people. I’m stuck: Part of me thinks I can’t be happy sexually having never had a sexually adventurous phase, and part of me fears that I’m giving up a loving relationship for what others tell me isn’t a big deal anyway.
Stuck
Break up, I guess.
@152: “Inexperienced straight guys usually suck at sex.”
Inexperienced people of ANY gender or sexual orientation usually suck at sex.
Anyone who claims otherwise, i.e. that it’s mainly a straight-guy thing, is a douche. Inexperienced straight women are often TERRIBLE lovers who don’t know their own bodies and have no idea what to do with a penis.
@153 but stuck is an inexperienced straight guy so inexperienced straight guys were the topic at hand.
@148
I think the person to whom you were responding was making the point that the idea that it’s normal (or even expected) that a young man will spend his youth sowing wild oats before eventually settling down is an invention of modern times. That, largely, is true.
It’s not to say that infidelity, deviance of all kinds, and general exploration hasn’t been around. But, there’s nothing in my reading of history (extensive, though not geared specifically at sex) which indicates a general societal expectation that a man between the ages of 18 and 30 will be sexually promiscuous and adventurous, and will have “missed out” if he fails to do so.
@149
It always amazes me that a group of people who are comfortable and supportive of all kinds of sexuality draw the line of acceptance at people who “deny” themselves their desires.
@ Erica
I think the problem is in whether such a statement (“I’m going to sleep around, I hope you’ll stay”) or ultimatum (“I need to sleep with other people to make this work”) is foreseeable.
It’s great that you were able to accept your husband’s demands, but that seems like an unreasonable way for this to work. Basically, STUCK should be the one to make a choice (break up, or be monogamous) rather than forcing his wife to make a choice (break up, or accept his infidelity). His wife has shown no interest in such an arrangement, and STUCK mentions nothing which would lead me to believe his wife could have seen this coming.
He owes it to her to be a decent man and decide which is worth it. He’s not in a loveless marriage, he’s not being denied sex or pleasure, he’s simply interested in sowing some wild oats, and that doesn’t make a good justification for cheating.
If having an open relationship is important enough to him, he should find someone who agrees with it, not someone who (under duress) will accept it.
Regarding the first letter: If you can have a safe word for ending sex, why not one that marks its beginning? It could be an effective momentum-sustaining way to switch tracks.
Seldon @156 In my experience, guys who want varied sex often do not make that choice (break up, or be monogamous). Instead, they feel that they are doing their beloved wives a favor by keeping their infidelity a secret.
People here agree that most women would leave if told the truth. If the guy doesn’t want her to leave, it sounds like he’s pretty sensible to cheat instead. A douchebag, but a sensible douchebag.
For me, in my admittedly weird, D/s life, staying with this one particular charismatic (if a little bit paunchy) guy whom I have loved since the day I met him 23 years ago… that trumped everything else. And yet it was still hard for me to get past my desire to have him all for myself. Sounds like it was pretty similar for @50’s wife. I guess ours are not typical relationships. Still, it’s interesting to hear other people’s perspectives on how to discuss the possibility of opening up, particularly Lori E’s experience from the other direction.
“Sword fights, adoptions, lesbian pets, Mistresses, faux-incest/pseudo-bestiality role-playing games”? Pshit! You just ruined reading any Shakespeare for me forever!
“Sword fights, adoptions, lesbian pets, Mistresses, faux-incest/pseudo-bestiality role-playing games”? Pshit! You ruined any enjoyment I had reading Shakespeare from now on.
@Erica. “Methinks she doth protest too much.” Maybe your situation simply stinks, Erica. Honesty about his plans to break his wedding vows does not necessarily make a man a good one. You don’t have to continue to tolerate behaviors that clearly cause you pain. Somewhere out in the world there may be a better match for you.
@161, it has been an intense year with a lot of pain. But we’re having much more sex together, and more fun sex, than at any other point since the kids showed up. And we make each other laugh, and fit well together, and I’ve finally come to like his mother, so, no, I’m not leaving. What I want is more time with him before one of us dies, and leaving him is not going to achieve that. But thanks for the kind thoughts…
@156:
146 said he wanted to be sexually adventurous (which in context seemed to mean having many partners), but that it probably wouldn’t happen, and then gave some sour-grapes explanation. Sure, I’d accept it if he legitimately wanted lifelong monogamy, but it sounded like he thought he couldn’t get what he wanted and was giving up, which struck me as sad.
Confidential to sPGONAHAN@147 I’d rather fuck you than some of these other people, but I take your point 🙂
Hypoxia can kill you, sure, but AS LONG AS YOU PLAY SOBER, choking is a relatively safe form of play. The very rare deaths attributed to this form of play usually involve alcohol and/or drugs. I’m sure that Dan didn’t want to go into a detailed response here for lack of time and/or space. Out of an abundance of caution, many people take a “do as I say and not as I do” approach to edge play when writing these kinds of columns. There are far more balanced perspectives out there than Jay Wiseman’s, which someone referenced above. Like here, for instance: http://www.fortunecity.com/westwood/carv… or google safe breath control and make your own informed decisions.
You have to be gentle, for safety’s sake. It shouldn’t be done with someone you don’t know really well. Unconsciousness should never be the goal. There are other ways to get to the state of a mildly hypoxic state without choking, though — pinching nose/covering mouth, rebreathers, whippets, shared breath (a tantric technique), hoods/masks designed for that purpose (which actually seem riskier to me since the top can’t see the bottom’s face). In addition, telling the bottom that you’ll punish him if he takes a breath can be a really fun way to play.
Yes, a drastic lack of oxygen is dangerous. In people with heart disease, especially, you just never know. We all go mildly hypoxic when we fuck, though. Hasn’t anyone noticed that people tend to hold their breath right before coming, that sometimes it HELPS the climb to orgasm? All this form of play does is heighten that natural tendency and exploit it for more explosive orgasms. It doesn’t mean that it’s totally without risk, but neither is sex, for fuck’s sake.
Oxygen, whether you are in a hyper or hypo-oxygenated state, is an amazing thing that can lead all on its own to altered states of consciousness. Treat it with respect, but by all means experiment if you’re drawn to it!
Dan, you are old and boring.
After nearly two decades in this town, I’m pissed that you just now finally gave the ‘ok’ to the uptight women in this town to swallow a load…which they won’t do unless you’ve been vegan for six months and/or have recently puchased a view condo. I’ve had to resort to quoting dead Frenchwomen and spiking their drinks with rohypnol to achieve the mythical ‘gulp’.
What happened to all the filth?
@165:
A “more balanced view” isn’t necessarily a more accurate one. For instance, a textbook that provides a “more balanced view” of creationism and evolution is almost certain to be less accurate than a textbook that simply presents the current state of scientific knowledge on the subject. And when it comes to cerebral hypoxia, the current state of scientific knowledge on the subject (according to my layperson’s understanding) is “it’s bad.” If you don’t believe me, make an appointment with a neurologist — any neurologist — and ask whether it’s okay for you to recreationally induce cerebral hypoxia. Is there anybody here who honestly thinks the answer would be “yes”?
Granted, many, many Americans routinely do things that their doctors would tell them not to. Nonetheless, the fact that sound medical advice is frequently flouted does not make it any less sound.
On a personal note, I’ve found that I tend to instinctively hold my breath when I approach orgasm. However, if I overcome that instinct and breathe deeply, I find that my orgasm actually becomes more intense. (Your mileage may vary, of course.)
Breathplay is just sexy darwinism. Go ahead and choke each other all you want, people, you don’t need to justify yourselves to the savage love crowd. It keeps the news headlines interesting.
@65: To reiterate––Dan got this one right––any amount of choking is a BAD idea.
In karate dojos, choke-holds may be taught, but not allowed to be held in competition. If the ref taps you on the shoulder & you don’t let go IMMEDIATELY, the ref just may give you a kick in the head. Clearly, they think the latter has lesser liability.
To the woman who gave rather precise times for probabilities of harm, you’ll still go to prison for a long time if you’re wrong. Supremely conditioned college athletes have dropped dead from undiagnosed brain aneurysms or heart conditions without warning. You simply don’t have the information to assess these risks. No one does. Do your particular jollies matter so much to you that you’re willing to risk your partner’s life? That pretty well defines a sociopath.
Lastly, go easy even on the non-choking leash/collar play. Is a moment of too rigorous play really worth a lifetime of neck pain that can’t be corrected or alleviated? Not at all. Be safe.
You know what’s really a “bad idea”? Ill-informed, sweeping generalizations of a sexual act as “a bad idea.”
Breathplay and light choking are not inherently “bad ideas.” Like any more intense act with the potential for harm, it requires trust, education and communication.
For sex information that’s *not* judgmental and inaccurate, they might try calling the San Francisco Sex Information line – http://sfsi.org/wiki/Main_Page
+1 (415) 989-SFSI (7374)
I’m soooo tired of all these judgmental bitches talking about how ~bad~ certain sexual acts are. Talk about close-minded. Who are YOU assholes to decide what’s wrong or right? Everything ever is subjective, and if mass murder is what it takes to get somebody off, then I say to them: slaughter away!
Dan,
Leotard? Really? That’s just sad. I haven’t heard you use it on the podcast for months. I thought you had moved beyond it. I don’t like it when I perceive myself as more evolved than you. It makes hero worship all the more difficult. Please get over it and move on, you know you mean retarded and you know it’s hurtful and mean. I can’t imagine that you aren’t better than this.
Hugs and kisses,
The Gay Blade
Perhaps I’ll be the only person here to say, regarding Stuck, that in my opinion a “sexually adventurous period”, in as much as that refers to a period of indiscriminate NSA activities with a number of partners followed by an ultimate goal to settle down monogamously, sounds great if you haven’t done it. If you have, you may feel awful about it years down the line in the midst of enjoying that monogamous relationship. Especially if your long-term partner’s level of experience with such things is much less than yours. Maybe it’s just me, but looking back I wish I would have done without the vast majority of those dirty high school and college hookups… then again I guess if I had it would be have been harder for me to tell that my husband was the appropriate sexual match for me. Who knows.
I love you EricaP! Keep up the good work!
@174 – why do you feel awful about those “dirty hookups”? Were you unnecessarily cruel to people? Were the hookups actually unpleasant to endure? Did you pick up incurable diseases? I hope none of the above… and I’m glad that you learned enough from your sexual adventures to find what you were looking for.
@175 – kiss kiss 🙂
@176: Oh, you’re such a flirt! Kiss kiss.
There’s something profoundly unrealistic about the way these letters and postings describe the first time we want to have sex outside of a long-term relationship.
It’s almost always put right up there as a bloodless principle, the desire to have sex with unnamed, conjectural “other people.” But in real life, when you’re in a committed LTR and get smacked in the face by this, it isn’t because you want to make it with another person in principle. It’s because you somehow get involved with one specific person, and feel it would be great to have sex with her/him.
Looking back on that moment decades ago in my 20s, I would have never said or even thought I wanted to have sex with a generalized, nonspecific ‘person.’ But there were plenty of specific people I would have gladly fucked in a heartbeat, despite my LTR. I just never thought of it this way because I was too busy telling my fiance I was not interested in vague other people (which was true!), all the while messing around on the side with one specific one.
Life is choices, stuck. Your girlfriend said no to the sleeping around. You either choose your relationship and go without the chance to play the field, or you break up and play the field. I know you were fishing around for a pass on cheating so you could have it all and some dumb male somewhere probably told you that Dan would give it to you, but you aren’t in the kind of extreme bind that justifies lying to your partner to save her from herself and your own sanity or whatever.
@143: Thanks, Caralain!
@155: I was trying to be funny!
It was a JOKE!
Geez! get over it.
@178: No, not for me it isn’t. For me, it actually is the desire to have sex with someone else, in principle, some vague other person. I don’t really understand your post: how can you want to have sex with someone else in particular unless you also want to have sex with other people in general?
@178/182 – I see this as an example of people just being different. Some people (like 178) don’t want to see themselves as non-monogamous, but they just really are strongly attracted to one particular other person, besides their partner.
For other people (BlackRose I’m looking at you :-), the appeal is what my husband calls “getting some strange.” A new hand or mouth or pussy around his cock. A new feel. It’s like going to a new restaurant. Exciting because you don’t already know what it will be like.
@8, maybe pornotube.com because there’s no economic motive. It’s like youtube only, well you know…
@184 – looking around pornotube, it looks like a lot of the content is scenes uploaded from regular porn movies. Do you have any tips on how to search the site for strictly amateur performances?
@121: Eric Fartman, is that you?
In regard to GGG, do most think that three tablespoons is a lot? I’m a very, very high-volume guy i.e. I’m invariably told it more than my partner has ever experienced, I should be in porn, etc.
Does anyone find this attractive or excessive? Thanks.
@187, that volume is, yes, very attractive. But have you really measured it out in tablespoons? (shades of J. Alfred Prufrock, measuring out his life with coffee spoons…)
@ 188 I’ve never measured it out, but a tablespoon wouldn’t be enough, for sure. A typical orgasm for me is multiple big shots (therefore the spoon wold be useless)…
ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME
…
MEEEEEEEEEEE!
(You’re still here? It’s over. Go home. Go!)
Why is “gentle” choking a bad idea?
And, back to me.