I’m from the other side of the country, but I’m sitting in my lover’s San Francisco apartment wondering what I’m doing. I flew out here to spend five glorious days with her. We connect sexually (she’s a Dom stone-butch top, I’m a queer femme sub), we connect intellectually, and we make each other laugh. I’m head over heels for her and for this city.

But she’s literally twice my age. In no way does this bother me. She’s handsome and wonderful, and I’m so proud to be with her. But she frets that she’s too old for me and will die before me and it isn’t fair to have the feelings we do.

I can hang on to this ledge, Dan, and not let myself utterly fall for this woman so that she doesn’t break my heart when she says we must part as friends. I think that is what is coming. But I know she feels conflicted, and I can’t see anything wrong with the two of us enjoying what time we have together. Why deny something we both want, if it’s what we both want?

If I have to just walk away from this with a slew of great memories of a loving introduction to the greatest city on earth, there are certainly worse things. But I wish I could convince her to at least let us have a chance.

Lost In Fog Everyday

Start with the clichés—”Age is just a number,” “I could get hit by a bus tomorrow,” “Someone’s gotta change your diapers”—and finish with a grace note: You love her, and you want to be with her, and you hope you’ll always be close, whatever she ultimately decides.

That said, and forgive me for this, LIFE, it’s possible that although this woman is what you want, you’re not what she wants—for reasons that have nothing to do with age. She may be pointing to the obvious age discrepancy because it’s a convenient, face-saving out, a way for her to pull the plug while sparing your feelings.

So a word of warning: If she cites age, you may be tempted to press your case—and you should, up to a point—but press too far, and she may wind up telling you the inconvenient, face-squandering, feelings-spearing truth.

I’m a bi male in a long-distance, long-term, and hypothetically poly relationship, and I’m going to a speed-dating event soon.

Our relationship is “hypothetically” poly in that my boyfriend and I have not had a third in a few years. I’ve had a couple dates in that time (with both guys and girls), disclosed, introduced them to my boyfriend, etc., and done everything a good poly boy is supposed to do. I didn’t end up dating any of them, just from lack of personality/sexual compatibility.

I’ve never been to a speed-dating event before, though, so I’m not sure about protocol. I think that bringing up bi/poly would make the whole five minutes (or whatever) about that, and I’d really rather talk about mutual interests etc. Sexual orientation is a rather overdone topic to me, and talking about only that wouldn’t let me figure out if I’m even interested in the other person. I’m not embarrassed by it at all (I’m completely uncloseted); I’d just rather talk about more interesting things.

So should I disclose during a speed date that I am (1) poly and/or (2) bisexual, or should I save it for a follow-up date?

Speed Disclosure

I tried to contact a few speed-dating businesses but couldn’t find one with a contact phone number on its website—and that fact, coupled with the Mountain-Dew-swilling-teenager-on-MySpace quality of the sites, kind of makes commercial speed-dating services look tawdry.

Anyway, SD, disclosure is called for when a routine, obvious, and logical assumption is incorrect. Since most people are straight, the onus is on the gay person to come out. Since most gay people aren’t morons, the onus is on members of GOProud to identify themselves before disrobing.

Other speed daters are going to make the reasonable assumption that you are (1) single and (2) gay or straight, depending on whether we’re talking about a gay or straight speed-dating event.

That said, SD, due to prejudices beyond your control—biphobia, polyphobia—you may omit the bi/poly info about yourself on that first five-
minute date. But you’re obligated to disclose before a second date is arranged. Not to spare the women and/or men you might wind up dating from the unspeakable horrors of going out with a bi/poly dude, but to avoid wasting time on women and/or men who can’t handle it.

I am a 19-year-old straight male who is only attracted to chubby girls, though I myself am rather skinny. It took a while, but I’ve learned to embrace this (though at first it seemed almost as scary as if I were to come out as gay). However, the problem I seem to have now is that the girls whom I find attractive—big girls—don’t think of themselves as attractive, and that is a turnoff for me. Despite what seems like constant effort on my part to raise my exes’ confidence in themselves, they never got any better and the relationships always ended. I’m not exactly bursting with confidence myself, either, but I tried my best to be a loving and supportive boyfriend. Yet time and time again, their images of themselves somehow seemed to actually turn worse, not better. I attribute a lot of their initial insecurity to the media, but I can’t help but believe I somehow screw up and exacerbate it.

Troubled Horndog In Need

You’re young and you’ve accepted your attraction to bigger girls, THIN, and that’s great. But the girls you’ve dated—presumably close to your age—are doubtless still struggling with all the shit that’s been thrown at them about their bodies. To grow confident about something that caused you a lot of pain—to say nothing of being with someone who’s attracted to you in large part because of that something—can take time.

That said, THIN, if all the bigger girls you’ve dated emerged from your relationship feeling worse about themselves and their bodies… you might be doing something wrong. Were you treating your girlfriends like human beings and talking about their bodies in a way that made them feel attractive? Or did you treat them like fetish objects?

I’m a gay college student who’s into bondage and kink. I’m also very involved with the Episcopal Church and want to become a leader in my church. I don’t think that my predilection for bondage and my desire to pursue ordained ministry conflict, especially because I am fairly monogamous. Is there a conflict?

Wannabe Ordained Kinkster

I don’t see a conflict, WOK, but I am not now, nor have I ever been, the Archbishop of Canterbury. If you can meet and marry a nice boy who shares your kinks, and you remain successfully monogamous, and you have no desire to go to the Folsom Street Fair or post play pictures of yourself on kinky personal sites, I don’t see how your coreligionists will learn about your sexual interests, much less be scandalized by ’em.

That said, WOK, um… I have nothing more to add. Fuck Sarah Palin, go Bears, preorders: tinyurl.com/4f2g524.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

136 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. #43 has it right. I’m big enough – (5’10”, 220) that I attract my share of chasers, but the thing is, I don’t and will never consider my size who I am. I was at 250 a year ago, and at 205 before the holidays. I hope to get down to 180.

    Being with a chaser complimenting me on my size would just make me thing I’d lose him if I was ever at the size I want to be.

    I don’t want to speak for anyone else, especially women, but I think I’d be happiest with someone who thinks I’m attractive now but would find me more attractive if I weighed less. I do think that most fat people would prefer not to be fat. That doesn’t mean they’re unhappy with themselves, it doesn’t mean they’ll ever lose weight, but being slimmer does represent their self-ideal. I’m perfectly happy with my income but would I prefer to be filthy rich? Hell yes. If THIN is looking for women who would rather be fat than thin, I suspect he’s limited to a fairly small subset of women.

  2. @55 Personally – I’m looking for someone who thinks I’m attractive as I am. Whether that’s at 160 or 260… I don’t want someone looking at me and thinking “if only she was 20 pounds lighter”. That’s pretty self-destructive, honey.

  3. There’s a poly speed dating event here in San Francisco that I’ve attended–actually met someone I had a brief but pleasant relationship with.

    In chatting with the organizers, was really impressed with their planning and database skills! They had straight, gay, bi, TG, and TS folks, poly couples looking for a third, single poly people looking to meet other poly people, and probably other configurations, and actually managed to arranged enough “dates” for everyone (of course my friend the “unicorn”–hot bi poly single girl–was the wild card who left with more numbers than, well, anyone).

    (http://www.polyspeeddating.com/ for SF locals who want to check it out.)

  6. To THIN–

    I’m a fat chick, and it helped my confidence a lot when I had a boyfriend who didn’t treat me as some abnormality and didn’t fixate on my weight, but complimented me and treated me like just a woman he found attractive. If I wore something sexy, he’d say, “damn, you look sexy.” If you think her fat ass is amazing, just say, “Your ass is amazing.” Don’t make it about the fat, make it about her.

    And, while your at it, it can’t hurt to advocate for fat acceptance. I don’t care how you feel about health issues, etc. Poor nutrition and lack of activity is a problem for most people in the US, and yet fat people receive the most crap. Nothing helps confidence more than not having it shattered in the first place. A woman who’s into fat acceptance has likely also made peace with her body, or is in the process of making peace with her body. Also, don’t treat us like we NEED confidence boosting. I’ve had men act like I surely hate my body and need their approval, and that’s a huge turn-off.

    And most of all, don’t be ashamed of any fat woman you date. That’s the worst, and likely to make any confident fat woman run away fast. Good luck.

  7. Pretty much agreeing with a lot of commenters here, but yeah – I’m a larger woman. I present myself with confidence, and feel that I’m on the positive side of average, as far as my attractiveness. 😉
    I’m confident that my boyfriend finds me attractive, and I enjoy hearing compliments about my body – but if he said, “you’re so hot BECAUSE you’re SO BIG…” sorry, but that would be a turn-off.
    “I love your boobs;” “I love your ass;” or simply “you’re beautiful” are all just fine…. 😉

  8. Comment #55 is spot on. Some people just don’t want to be fat, and being with someone who likes them that way is scary. The relationship not only means a commitment to the other person, but a commitment to being a shape one doesn’t want to be.

    If a woman considers herself full-figured, curvy, rubenesque, BBW, or whatever, more power to her and I’m happy for her! But I don’t want to be fat, and when I was 60 lbs heavier the last thing I wanted was fat fetishists lusting after me! I wanted to lose weight and I needed all the support I could get. The last thing I needed was something/someone that would interfere with that goal.

  9. @55 5’10, 220…sounds perfect to me 😉 Seriously though, when you say

    “I don’t and will never consider my size who I am.”

    I feel the same way! Or rather, I always think like I am actually a lot bigger than I really am. I was a fat kid and I think the hell that being fat+gay put me through then has manifested both as a self-image and as a fetish in my adult life.

  10. For WOK, the obvious source of advice, probably more useful than Dan’s, would be Episcopal Bishop Gene Robinson in New Hampshire. He’s obviously pretty busy, but (based on knowing people that know him) he’s also the sort of guy who would take time out to help someone like WOK struggling with his question, since he struggled with much the same question both when he was first ordained and again when he was elected bishop.

  12. My advice to WOK, speaking as an Episcopalian and someone who served a term on my parish vestry back when Gene Robinson’s ordination was a hot topic:

    IMO, the issue of his sexual orientation will depend on his diocese and the attitude of his bishop. Diocesan bishops in the Episcopal Church USA are pretty much where the buck stops. So if WOK finds a broad-minded bishop in a more socially liberal dioceses, his gayness shouldn’t be an issue.

    As far as the bondage…well, let me put it this way: if he were my bishop and he had a committed partner with which he was indulging his tastes then I would see it as none of my business, any more than I would see it as my business if it were my own rector and his wife.

    FWIW I second #64’s suggestion of seeking out an ordained mentor. One thing I’ve always loved about the Episcopal bishops I’ve met is that they’re utterly approachable. Another bishop I know who supported Gene Robinson’s ordination is Rt. Rev. Thomas Shaw, bishop of Massachusetts. I had the privilege of meeting Bishop Shaw some years ago while on retreat at a monastery run by the order he belongs to (the Society of St. John the Evangelist) and I remember him talking about it.

    Bishop Shaw also throws some mean pottery. 🙂

  13. @53 – Rock Bottom,
    Wha….? I know Dan supports women’s rights. But timing is everything. This shit is urgent! Attention Gay Men: Your mothers birthed you. Do them and all womankind the respect of standing with them for rights. Google NARAL, visit it, and sign the petition.

    What I’m saying and what you & probably most people don’t know is:

    The Anniversary of Roe V. Wade was last weekend and the House just passed a “No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act.” in addition to making the dismantling of Roe V. Wade a top priority. This is URGENT here!

    Currrently, funding for abortion gets decided at the top of every year. They never fund it, but w/ the new bill it CHANGES THE LEGISLATIVE CODE so that an bill for funding abortion CAN NEVER be brought to the legislation floor. Insanity! The author of this bill just last year opened a VA clinic. Despite the reported 28% sexual assault record against female soldiers BY THEIR OWN TROOPS, Rep. Chris Smith blocks access to both abortion to military women and penalties to military rapists. He clearly does not represent female citizens.

    Homophobia is rooted in mysogyny – you know soldiers don’t want gay dudes bunking w/ them because hetero soldiers feel entitled to sex w/woman and they’re worried gay soldiers will have the same attitude toward men.

    I haven’t listened to Dan’s lastest podcasts – so if he’s mentioned anything about it, great. He hasn’t put anything in print form although it’s timely & necessary.

    You’ve got outright liars like Abby Johnson, former director of Planned Parenthood, who quit because she was about to be fired then turned around and went “pro-life(anti-choice)” feeding into the new hysteria that PP is literally making money off abortions. Despite the fact most of their work is in prevention of pregnancy & stds & maintaining excellent reproductive health for both men & women.

    So, I ask all of you, dear Savage Readers, to call your representative and demand they represent pro-choice America and all women nationwide.

    We’re talking about women’s self esteem here? How about men’s? Men wouldn’t take away people’s rights if they weren’t insecure. The level of entitlement our reps have shown have their roots in the religious movement, military & general pop culture. Ladies, fuck ’em. Women w/ a little weight – go w/ your bad self & thin dude – chill.

    Thanks~

  14. For THIN – maybe they talk to you about how they really feel about their bodies because they like and trust you. Maybe they ask you again and again if you are attracted to them because it is literally hard for them to believe it, given how all the other 19 year old guys and society in general looks at them. Weight is a hard thing not to hate yourself about, especially if you’re female. Think about it as equivalent to having a really small dick. How would that mess with your self esteem? Would you be ok with that at 19? Even if you found someone who wasn’t bothered by it and in fact wanted you in every possible way, could you get over it just because of that? It’s something that doesn’t really matter, but you would think it mattered a lot because you wouldn’t have a lot of experience in life yet. You want women who are over their weight issues? You need to look for older women, say 80+ years old. You want women who at least are fine with it most of the time? 30’s. It’s not just a fat girl issue, it’s a girl issue, and I promise you, you aren’t going to find a lot of really truly confident and sexy women at 19 of any size. Just doesn’t happen. That comes with time and experience. Good luck!

  15. @68: I don’t care if your cause is good, or if I agree with abortion rights: You are spamming SLOG, and that is fucking annoying. Cut it out. All over the Internet, there are blogs and columnists like Dan, not paying IMMEDIATE attention to your pet cause.

    Why don’t you go bug them and leave us alone?

  16. I’m a lesbian Episcopal priest. I second what has been said about finding a friendly diocese, and it’s true that churches tend to be less willing to hire gay men than straight men (but still way, way more likely to hire men than women). Finding a mentor is absolutely necessary.

    Do NOT talk with your bishop or your mentor about your kinks. No one needs to know. What you do at home is what you do at home. Be discreet.

    If you care at all about the church, you will not go to Folsom Street Fair. Speaking from intense and painful personal experience, those on the right in the Episcopal Church who are tearing it apart from the inside are seeking any possible excuse to discredit you. Don’t give it to them. (Don’t feed the trolls!) Don’t put yourself in a situation where they can use your sexuality or preferences against you. As a priest, if your call to ordained ministry is real, you choose to give up some personal freedoms. One of them is participation in some kinds of public sexualities. Right or wrong, that is what it is. And your love for your Church, if you want to serve it as priest, should be greater than your love for Folsom Street.

  19. Hi WOK

    I’m an Episcopalian and a lay leader in my parish. As others have said here, the key is establishing what your diocese’s position is on ordaining gay men and women. I don’t think that any diocese which ordains gay people is going to have a problem with bondage in a monogamous relationship. If you are in a very conservative diocese you may have to consider moving to a more liberal one after you finish college, which would slow down your path to ordination a bit, but as you are so young I don’t think that’s necessarily a bad thing.

    If you are at college and your campus has an Episcopal chaplaincy, that would be a good place to start exploring your vocation as they are likely to be positive about vocations for younger people. Other advice I would give to anyone your age considering ordination: pray a lot, get a spiritual director (ask your priest to put you in touch with someone), get involved in lots of lay ministry, go on retreats organized for people considering ordained ministry, spend a couple of years after college working – and not necessarily in a churchy job. You may be surprised to find some kind of calling in something outside the church.

    It may be frustrating to put this on the back burner for a couple of years, but your ministry will ultimately be better informed by extra time spent discerning God’s will. And don’t forget that the formal discernment process itself can last a long time – some people are in it for years – so you need to have some way to support yourself during it. Another thing to ask yourself is, am I specifically called to *ordained* ministry? There are plenty of forms of ministry that don’t require ordination.

  21. Dan re: speed disclosure said “… avoid wasting time on women and/or men who can’t handle it.”

    Um, “can’t handle it”? That seems harsh/ judgmental. How about just “who are looking for something monogamous/simpler/else.”

    As a friend of mine says, poly is twice the fun and four times the work. And some people are mono; I agree they shouldn’t force poly people into their lifestyle, but by the same token, they should not be denigrated for wanting what feels right to them.

  23. @40: no, it’s not.

    To test, remove “dan and” from the sentence and see which one sounds correct:

    “put me in an advice column death match”

    or

    “put I in an advice column death match”

  24. @40: no, it’s not.

    To test, remove “dan and” from the sentence and see which one sounds correct:

    “put me in an advice column death match”

    or

    “put I in an advice column death match”

  27. @8 and @28

    I think that your comments are basically spam. They perhaps contain a nugget of relevancy, but you are really just using that nugget as a pretense to selfishly advertise your own projects. And it’s fucking annoying.

    Only a few people are doing it now, but I would hate to see the comments section turn into a space where people are just shilling their own products. I really hope your comments will be removed as spam in the future.

  29. @81, no, curvy is having small waist:bust and waist:hip ratios. While someone who is fat may be curvy, not all fat people are curvy and certainly not all curvy folks are fat (I would say most are not, I have curves, I am far from fat).

  30. “I am not now, nor have I ever been, the Archbishop of Canterbury.” Should be on a t-shirt.

    Maybe THIN, your lack of confidence makes you aim low–why would chunky girls turn your down when it’s already hard for them to get a date–and maybe said “chunky girls” can sense this. Playing it safe isn’t sexy and doesn’t make your partners feel sexy.

    Speed Disclosure: on your name tag, below your name, write, “Bi, poly.” Then you start by asking questions before the other person does. If they won’t answer and fixate on “bi, poly,” then you know you don’t have a match. Why would you invest a second, third, or fourth date in someone who does not want your lifestyle?

  31. My guess is that THIN’s attempts at boosting his exes egos come on too strong and too fake. If they have body issues, these women know they’re fat, and are not comfortable with it. It can come across as fake if the person they’re with constantly hammers on how beautiful their size is, especially if it’s the typical response to expressing their own negative views of their size. In order to make them believe you truly care and value them, LISTEN to them. When they express displeasure with their weight, don’t immediately blurt something like, “No, you’re beautiful!” Even if that’s how you feel. Give them empathy and understanding, “It sounds like you’re feeling really discouraged right now,” etc. Then, only AFTER you have acknowledged their feelings, follow it up with some gentle attempts at self esteem repair. “While I understand why you might feel self conscious about your weight because of society, I want you to know that I love you just the way you are and I think you’re beautiful. I wouldn’t change anything about you, but I’ll support you in anything you do.” That means offering them support if what they’re looking for is losing weight, too. People expressing concerns want to know that you are listening to them, even the best intentioned statement meant to contradict their issues can simply come across as blowing off their concerns if you do not acknowledge, empathize and support first and foremost. And above all, don’t focus on her fat as being the REASON she is beautiful. She is beautiful just as she is, not because of one particular aspect.

    And, as others have pointed out, you may come across as a creepy fetishist. Are you a creepy fetishist, THIN? Remember, the psychological definition of a fetish is an attraction to a non-human object. I know, that’s not the colloquial use of the term, but it’s telling – many people who fetishize a particular type of person DO end up treating them in much the same way they would a sexy, non-human object. This tendency can become worse if the attractive quality the person represents is one that society itself sees as lesser. It’s okay to have a strong attraction to big women, but acknowledge that they are *women* first and foremost, your attraction is just icing on the cake.

  32. The feminine-form, maybe over the masculine form (since women don’t achieve arousal as men do), exaggerates access to her happy hunting-grounds. Curves can exaggerate this further, but maybe at the expense of the pretense of control from being skinny. Children won’t ridicule a girl who develops early because she’s somehow less feminine (children in the stage where their sex-drive has yet to kick-in enforcing gender-standards), but because she’s seen as having less control (in contrast to boys who mature early). Skinny porn-models have to compensate for this dynamic in how they pose (demonstrating they have lost control of themselves), but you see curvy porn-models getting away more often with casual posing, benefiting from an inherent advantage in regard to sexual portrayal.

  33. Re: ” I’m also very involved with the Episcopal Church and want to become a leader in my church. I don’t think that my
    predilection for bondage and my desire to pursue ordained ministry conflict”

    Here is a documentary about a gay man both working toward getting ordained and also participating in master/slave puppy play contests:
    http://www.wiseorchid.com/pupumentary/

  34. @84 “Curvy” means what people want it to mean. Someone might look at you and think curvy, and the next one down might say fat. And the guy after that might say you’re too skinny! It’s subjective. All the confusion over the terms amuses me. Call it whatever you want to!

  35. @84: I would never describe someone light and skinny as “curvy,” even if she had big boobs and wide hips.

    That is just not how the word is used: if it was ever used in only that way, it’s been taken over by fat people wanting a nicer-sounding word to use, much the way “voluptuous” has.

  37. @90 Ding! YOU would never use the term that way. If a fat chick wants to make herself feel better by adopting the term “curvy”, so what? I just don’t see what the big deal is over terminology.

  38. @92: You got what I said backwards. Read what I wrote again. I said curvy = fat and that’s totally cool with me. It was 84 who thought only boob/hip/skinny waist curves were deserving of the word “curvy.”

  39. To THIN

    What I say may be very un PC…but have you considered black girls. My black friends simply do not have the same hangups about body size that my white friends do. Both the men and the women.

    Of course this may be moot. Maybe you are already dating all colors.

    Watch the TV Drop Dead Diva or Oprah….or otherwise learn a bit more about personality, pride, and carriage of a person and learn to be attracted to people who don’t need you to “make” them feel good.

    My guess is you’re striking out with your chicks is cuz you haven’t found your own confidence yet so you go for unconfident girls. Despite what you say about embracing yourself and your own body, ya really haven’t. Perhaps you’re looking for a girl to “make” you feel ok. You’ll find neither confidence or a confident girl if you don’t truly feel comfortable in your own skin.

    The advice about listening was the best. But if you hear a girl say, I want to lose weight, poor me, simply say, I like you the way you are. Then dont pursue her anymore. You want a big chick who says…Hey let’s dance, you skinny cool guy!!! Get a person who already likes who they are and who likes you the way you are.

  40. for speed disclosure, just tell em you’re sexual. You want to connect as humans if it progresses. That lets them know that you don’t do non-humans, but you want a connection not just sex.

  41. @96: about the only thing with all “out” curves is a ball. I’m more than a few pounds overweight, and not exactly an ideal hourglass figure, but there’s still plenty of in curves to be found.

    I’d be inclined to describe someone as “curvy” as long as her traditionaly desirable curves (ie breasts, hips/butt) stick out more than (traditionally) less desired ones like belly and limb diameter.

  42. I’m SD from the column. A couple things that Dan left out of my letter or to answer comments above. I’d prefer not to be identified, so I’ll be a little bit elliptical here; sorry for omitting identifying details.

    1. My current arrangement w/ the bf is that he approves on a case-by-case basis. So far it’s been fine in that regard; he’s comfortable so long as he’s well informed, and I’m very good about that. If anything I prefer to err way more on the side of ensuring his comfort than hitting on all the hot guys (and some hot girls) there are around here.

    And seriously, there’s so much eyecandy here! Pity that a lot of ’em are less than 1/2 my age + 7.

    2. I used to live in SF Bay Area, and am familiar with the whole poly cultur thing, but I’m currently elsewhere. It’s a very large, liberal university town. The dating event is being held by the university.

    3. Dan omitted the “recently” modifier of “long distance”. To be honest I’m not really looking for another primary; the amount of compatibility I have w/ my bf is way more than I’ve had with anyone else, and he fulfills to satiation most of my needs. But given the distance, I’d just like to have some sort of nice, relaxed, friends-and-benefits situation here too, to fulfill more my needs for touch, in-person companionship, & sex.

    I won’t be here for more than a year or so, so honestly I’m also a bit leery of starting another long-term relationship here.

    I guess I’d rather select for smart/hot than bi/poly per se, in that I figure I can explain that part to most people who don’t necessarily participate in the whole “poly community” thing, which… well, I don’t really do either.

    To be a bit blunt… I’m actually slightly uncomfortable with the “huge network” style of poly. I’d rather have a comfortable little triad or quad, or share someone who’s in another diad. That’s just me-personally comfort, not making any judgments about what works for others of course.

    But Dan’s right, if they’re not cool with it, then that’s automatic disqualification.

    I’d probably at least wear one of my rainbow pieces of clothing or triangle pins just as an obvious queerness signal.

    Other suggestions welcome.

  43. I’m SD from the column. A couple things that Dan left out of my letter or to answer comments above. I’d prefer not to be identified, so I’ll be a little bit elliptical here; sorry for omitting identifying details.

    1. My current arrangement w/ the bf is that he approves on a case-by-case basis. So far it’s been fine in that regard; he’s comfortable so long as he’s well informed, and I’m very good about that. If anything I prefer to err way more on the side of ensuring his comfort than hitting on all the hot guys (and some hot girls) there are around here.

    And seriously, there’s so much eyecandy here! Pity that a lot of ’em are less than 1/2 my age + 7.

    2. I used to live in SF Bay Area, and am familiar with the whole poly cultur thing, but I’m currently elsewhere. It’s a very large, liberal university town. The dating event is being held by the university.

    3. Dan omitted the “recently” modifier of “long distance”. To be honest I’m not really looking for another primary; the amount of compatibility I have w/ my bf is way more than I’ve had with anyone else, and he fulfills to satiation most of my needs. But given the distance, I’d just like to have some sort of nice, relaxed, friends-and-benefits situation here too, to fulfill more my needs for touch, in-person companionship, & sex.

    I won’t be here for more than a year or so, so honestly I’m also a bit leery of starting another long-term relationship here.

    I guess I’d rather select for smart/hot than bi/poly per se, in that I figure I can explain that part to most people who don’t necessarily participate in the whole “poly community” thing, which… well, I don’t really do either.

    To be a bit blunt… I’m actually slightly uncomfortable with the “huge network” style of poly. I’d rather have a comfortable little triad or quad, or share someone who’s in another diad. That’s just me-personally comfort, not making any judgments about what works for others of course.

    But Dan’s right, if they’re not cool with it, then that’s automatic disqualification.

    I’d probably at least wear one of my rainbow pieces of clothing or triangle pins just as an obvious queerness signal.

    Other suggestions welcome.

  46. @98/99, since you’re leaving town soon, I’d stress that initially: you’re looking for a short-term partner for adventures (in and out of bed). For many people, that will be the deal-breaker. (ie, that if they really like you, you’re leaving anyway, so they may have wasted a year plus face heartbreak at the end…)

    But, me, I’m also looking for short-term adventures. So what I recommend thinking about ahead of time are some cool adventures you’d like to do (film fest, clubbing, kayaking, whatever’s your thing) — then see if you can find someone at the speed-dating thing who also thinks those adventures sound like fun.

  47. @102 – FWIW “my thing” is any combination of sensuality (I’m extremely reactive to pleasant things) and intellectual games. I.e. I’d like someone I click with to cuddle, share skritches, have good deep conversations with, etc. Oh and hot sex would be nice. 😛

    (Though looking at it, I guess it’s true that though my libido is highish, sex isn’t as important for me compared to those other things.)

    I probably wouldn’t initiate physical dates like kayaking just because it’s not really familiar to me (and honestly I’ve never really had “dates” in the usual sense, so my imagination for those kind of more typical dating ideas is poor). I’d probably be willing to go along for that if the other person suggested it, though, as I’m happy to try anything twice that’s not too dangerous or unethical.

    You make a very good point, that the short-term restriction is more likely to be something to be upfront about, since (unlike bi/poly) it changes what kind of relationship we’d have. Thank you.

  49. @104 – They’re still working that out. I’m encouraging them (with some pressure from the university’s official diversity people) to make it LGBTQ-friendly so that everyone can attend regardless of sexual/gender orientation and have it handled appropriately. But TBD.

    Entirely possible it’ll turn out to be a “straight” even with a second “gay” one.

  50. @33
    “The church is a business…”

    I’m glad _someone_ w/in the church publicly admits this.

    Money is given to you, tax-free???

    Cha-CHING!!!

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