I’m a middle-aged guy. My
boyfriend just left his teens. We originally got to know each other
because I like to tie up muscular young guys and he’s a muscular young
guy who likes getting tied up. But he’s a smart kid and after a few
months we started actually liking each other. At some point that like
turned to love.

Here’s the problem: My boyfriend’s
parents—who are a little younger than I am—were snooping
and found video clips on his computer that clearly illustrated our
activities. He still lives with his parents and they were, prior to
this discovery, entirely ignorant of their son’s sexual orientation and
interests. They’re now threatening all the things asshole parents
threaten: to kick him out, to stop paying for school, to disown
him.

My first reaction was, “Come live with me,
you don’t need that kind of crap in your life.” But the more I think
about it, the more I wonder if it’s the right thing to do. They are his
family. Would I really be acting in his best interests if I helped him
walk away from them, even as horrible as they’re acting? I can put him
up at my place. I can pay for his schooling. I’d be proud to do it. But
I wonder if I’d be facilitating a decision he’d one day come to regret.
Plus, we’re in Boston and he isn’t yet 21. On top of everything else,
is there a chance the law could decide to bite me in the ass?

Not The Bad Guy

I can’t do my best work, NTBG, without
seeing those video clips. But let me give it a shot…

Your boyfriend is of legal age, so I don’t
see how you could possibly be in trouble with the law. (Unless those
bondage videos were made before he reached the age of consent, which
I’m hoping they were not.) His parents might not like the fact that
their son is gay and a bondage freak, or that he’s involved with an
older man, but there’s not a lot they can do about it.

Besides, of course, tossing him out,
disowning him, and refusing to pay for his education.

If they do toss him out and refuse to pay
for his education, NTBG, you should take him in and pay for his
education. Don’t do anything—anything else—that might
antagonize your boyfriend’s parents. No confrontations, no accusations,
no scenes. Write them one polite letter. Tell them you appreciate how
distressing it must have been for them to learn about their son’s
interests the way that they did, and tell them that, despite how they
may have interpreted those video clips, you mean their son no harm, and
that you intend to look out for him and keep him in school. Close by
telling them you will encourage your boyfriend to keep the lines of
communication open with them.

It could be emotionally tricky for a while,
perhaps a long while, as his parents adjust to the big kinky news. But
that’s what happens when you snoop: Sometimes you find out things that
you didn’t want to know, didn’t need to know, or weren’t ready to
know.

As for the boyfriend, it’s entirely possible
that he may one day blame you for his estrangement from his parents.
You can inoculate yourself against those charges by making sure he sees
you doing whatever you can to lay the groundwork for an eventual
reconciliation.

Moving on, NTBG, you say you’re in love, and
that’s swell. But just between us grown-ups: Very few people wind up
with the person they met and fell in love with in their teens. At best,
you’ll have a few great years with this kid. But this can be a really
successful relationship even if, as the song goes, “it’s only for
now”—if you play your cards right. And unless his parents
are seriously nuts and your boyfriend desperately needs the legal
protections of marriage—he needs you to be his next of kin in
case of a medical emergency, for instance—I wouldn’t marry his
hot and kinky 20-year-old ass. And if he does need the legal
protections of marriage, make him sign a prenup.

Speaking of hot teenagers and asshole
parents and vows that you may come to regret…

The 17-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin, the
GOP’s vice-presidential nominee, is pregnant. The news was released by
the McCain camp during a busy week—a hurricane, the Republican
National Convention, Dick Cheney getting us into a war with
Russia—so it didn’t receive the coverage it deserved. To
recap:

Seventeen-year-old Bristol Palin got her ass
knocked up five or so months ago by 18-year-old Levi Johnston. Among
the hobbies listed on Levi’s since-yanked MySpace page—”fishing,
shoot some shit, and just fuckin’ chillin'”—was this revealing
tidbit: “I don’t want kids.” But Bristol, says her mom, “made the
decision on her own to keep the baby,” and is now engaged to Levi
“Shootin’ Shit” Johnston.

As the adoptive parent of a child born to a
pair of unwed teenagers, I’m certainly not in favor of abortion in all
circumstances. But I believe that it’s a choice teenagers should be
able to make for themselves—with input from their families
whenever possible—and, so it seems, does the GOP’s VP nominee.
Sarah Palin is pleased that her daughter made the decision—on her
own—to keep the baby.

But Sarah Palin doesn’t believe that other
girls should be able to make their own decisions. Sarah Palin believes
abortion should be illegal in almost every instance—including
rape and incest. So Bristol Palin is being celebrated for making a
choice that Sarah Palin would like to take away from all other American
women. Apparently, today’s GOP believes that choice is a special right
reserved for the wayward daughters of Republican elected officials.

Oh, and Sarah Palin also believes that birth
control shouldn’t be made available to teenagers, she opposes medically
accurate sex education, and she backs abstinence-until-
marriage
sex “education.”

Sigh.

The GOP has poured hundreds of millions of
dollars into abstinence “education” programs during the Bush years. I
believe this enormous investment of public funds begs the obvious
question: Is our children abstaining? Sarah Palin’s aren’t.
Despite this massive outlay on the part of the American taxpayer
and the example set by her Christian parents, Bristol Palin
became sexually active while still in high school. Excuse me, but if
abstinence education can’t keep the daughter of the evangelical
governor of Alaska off the cock, what hope is there for the
daughters—and some of the sons—of average Americans?

I’m a cad for writing this, of course,
because shortly before Bristol and Levi were paraded before cheering
throngs at the Republican National Convention, the Palins asked the
media to respect their daughter’s privacy.

Another special right: When it comes to
respecting your family’s privacy, Palin and the GOP see no need.
They want to micromanage the most intimate aspects of your private
life. And if their own kids fail to live up to the standards
that Palin and the GOP seek to impose on your family, well,
that’s a private matter between the Palins, their daughter, their God,
and the thousands of screaming imbeciles in elephant hats waving
McCain/Palin signs on the floor of the Republican National
Convention.

mail@savagelove.net

107 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. This question and the first one from last week (“My spouse and I have been physically disconnected for years. This led to some rather sleazy adulterate behavior on my part” etc etc etc) are remarkably familiar. Have they been posted before, or is this a case of Savage Love déjà vu?

  3. That is so right on, as always dan- your the man. I knew you were going to talk about this, and not to disappoint, your eloquence is never cad.
    This hypocrisy is a fundamentally violent act towards all of us. Its too bad that some are too dumb to realize it.

  6. @losing it?

    I doubt they’re repeats, at least no the exact same person requesting the exact same advice, but it seems poor Dan is bombarded with people who ask the same fucking questions every week.

    Thankfully people do this, because Dan has an amazing job offering sex advice to folks and all the freedom that comes along with it. Unfortunately, those of us who are avid readers have to suffer through the stupidity and obstinacy of our fellow human beings.

    One would think after years of Dan’s amazing advice something would sink in though with his readers though.

  7. No–this isn’t fair, Dan! You can’t make us wait all week for a new column, and then just recycle a “letter of the day” from a few weeks ago! We’re not all Republicans who won’t notice that you’re peddling the same tired old advice!

  8. I’m assuming that when the Palin family paraded Bristol and her hottie Levi before the GOP and the world, they had basically changed their minds about keeping it private. I mean, you don’t walk center stage on international TV if you want it private, so they MUST have changed their mind.

    More importantly … where are Levi’s near-naked (or totally naked) pics? I mean, doesn’t every dude have some bare ass pics partying and hanging out with his bros? Streaking, shut out at flipcup, teabagging his passed out friends…?

  9. This is the column that appears in print. Sometimes Dan puts relevant letters in Slog, as he did with this one and the one last week. I think it’s good to put letters on important subjects in both areas, to reach the most readers. Dan, good job as always.

  11. A terrifyingly unqualified woman (and I point out her gender because if Sarah were Dan she’d still be in Alaska) is romanced by 72 year old three time cancer surviving John McCain. Instead of saying – well John I’m unqualified and I have some serious family issues going on right now so I’ll take a pass. No she signs up. Worse, this family values advocate parades her 17 year old pregnant daughter and the gun-totting teenager who helped her on her way, in front of the whole world.

  12. While I agree with your views on the whole Palin issue, is your column the best place to bitch about it?. It’s in the mag, it’s on the slog, it’s all over the place, yet you still use the Savage Love column as yet another soapbox to preach from. Enough is enough already, keep the column for what its intended to be, a sex advice column, not a political stage.

  13. What do you mean, “our daughters and some of our sons”? Do you think that all teenage girls have teenage sex but only some teenage boys? Seriously, you should switch your brain on when you’re editing.

  14. Oops. Somehow I’d heard about Palin but not Cheney. Thanks for keeping us in the know about politics from time to time. I appreciate it as a sex-advice column, but I’m grateful for the political tidbits.

    Also, typo: “Is our children abstaining?”

  15. The more people some people feel threatened, the more they want to go back to the 1950’s…. this seems to be why the red states have higher rates of teen pregnancy and divorce than the blue states…. i.e. the worse the 1950’s mindset works, the more it’s desired by some people who feel desperate…. nice business model to base a political party on…

  16. Angel, the “is our children” line is reminiscent of one of Bush’s most memorable quotes: “Is our children learning?” It’s not a typo.

  17. As always, a quality column. However, there is one thing I think you should’ve added. If the older guy is going to take the step of taking care of this kid by having him move in and pay for his education, thus cutting off his parents (through their choice but still) he’s got to make a guarantee to himself and the kid that even if the relationship goes south, he’ll continue to help him out with school and other funds. Otherwise, the kid is as much a hostage to the relationhip as he would be living at home with his controlling parents. Very few people 18 to 22/23 are entirely self-sufficient, especially when support gets cancelled abruptly. In some ways this guy is becoming the kids parents and there are responsibilities that go along with this. Plus it adds a whole new meaning to the phrase “tie me up daddy”.

  18. Best not to emphasize the “choice” part of the Bristol pregnancy, because Palin is certain to argue that Bristol decided to “keep the baby” rather than give it up for adoption. Abortion was never an option in the “choice” continuum, she’ll say. I like the abstinence angle much better.

  19. Yeah, every time a Republican would say something to the effect of being the party that keeps the government out of your private life I was really thrown. Ditto with fiscal responsibility. Really?? Does anyone still buy that?

  21. One topic not discussed here is Bristol Palin’s “decision” to marry her baby’s daddy. Let us not forget that Matthew Staver, the dean of Liberty University law school (founded by the late Jerry Falwell)said of Bristol’s pregnancy and decision to marry: “We’re all sinners. We all make mistakes. Certainly the ideal is not to get pregnant out of wedlock. But she made the right decision after her mistake” (Baltimore Sun, 2 SEPT 08, p11).

    WHOA! “HER” mistake?!?! Did she somehow get pregnant all by herself?! I mean – if we have to lay “blame” here, her pregnancy could be “blamed” upon her ignorance of birth control methods, which knowledge of or access to were likely never made available to her by good old mom and dad. And didn’t the father of her baby have some responsiblity?

    And why does her getting married to some other 17 year old somehow redeem her? And why does she even need to be redeemed here?

    And it is funny – Bristol is living, breathing (for two, actually…) evidence of their sex life TOGETHER. But its only NOW they are supposed to get married? And it is only SHE that is the hapless victim that has to get married? With this logic, it would appear that it is completely ok for the boyfriend to do as many girls as he wants, as long as he actually marries the one that has evidence he had sex with her.

    Are we really still stuck criminalizing Eve?

  23. Whoa! Does anyone really imagine that Bristol Palin “made the choice” to carry a pregnancy to term? Or that “Shootin’ Shit” is marrying her under any circumstances other than at gunpoint? You can bet your moose that Caribou Barbie twisted her kid’s arm up behind her back over this one, maybe metaphorically, maybe literally.

  24. As a lesbian, I think Governor Palin is hot. She’s a total MILF. Admittedly she’d like to seize control of my genitalia, but if she did it in person that might not be such a bad thing.

    Now, should McCain and Palin get into office and start implementing their forced-birth strategy, I suggest that we all start exercising our 2nd Amendment rights. I’d like to see *anyone* try take a coat hanger away from a pistol-packing feminazi.

  26. GOP didn’t spend its money, the GOP controlled Federal Government wasted OUR tax money! (And debt money that that 20 year old will have repay someday.)

  27. Marie: I believe Dan’s reference to “some of your sons” was meant to imply that some of them are “on the cock,” not that fewer teenaged boys have sex.

  30. I don’t understand why anyone should be paying for this kid’s education except the kid himself. I had to figure out how to pay my own way and it really was character building. Not that I would have minded a sugar daddy…

  31. As a product of the public school system in thoroughly republic Texas, I have actually experienced abstinence-only education first hand.

    Thanks to having frank, open discussions about sex with my parents and a naturally antisocial nature, I’m still single at nineteen, but to be totally honest?

    Even knowing the (actual, not exagerated fear-mongering) risks, even knowing that it wasn’t something I actually wanted at that point in my life, walking out of my school’s abstinence only program in sophomore, I really, really wanted to run out and fuck the first guy I ran into, just to spite their self-righteous, arrogant, condescending, *lying * asses.

    Because that’s what abstinence only education does: it lies. It tries to booby trap sex by insinuating that everyone who has sex before marriage (not before mental-emotional maturity to make big descisions, mind you, but *marriage*) will inevitably end up heatbroken, pregnant, and dead of AIDS/Chlamydia/Syphilis/whatever.

    Not necessarily in that order.

    And teenagers KNOW that that’s not true, so the Abstinence only people lose any shot at credibility. SO instead of actually getting kids to think about what they’re doing, they convince them that *all* the warnings about unsafe sex are as much B.S. as the stuff they’re pushing.

    Which is probably why I had so many pregnant classmates.

  32. Dan you’re the man.
    You hit the nail on the head with Sarah Palin and Bristle “open legs” Palin and the GOP.

    Also, I as an African American Female of 20 years of age (and a virgin, whooo!) I would like to thank you so much for what you said on Bill Maher this past Friday. If Barack had a baby situation in anyway similar to Palin’s the RIGHT would rip on him till they killed the election.

    Must also thank you and Kelly Washington for making a point about abstinence education. I feel very sorry for anyone from the highschool I graduated from. It was an all girls highschool and the only attempt they made about sex was hiring a program called “worth the wait” just once in my 2nd year. The program was nothing but a slide show of STI’d private areas, so it was more scare than education.

  33. You missed the “Fuckin’ Redneck” self-description from Levi’s now-removed Facebook/Myspace.

    p.s. Was ‘Bend Over Boyfriend’ pseudo-screened at Western Washington, or Pitt?

  34. As most people from the Yukon (Canadian territory just east of Alaska) do, I feel a northern affinity. That is, Alaskans and northern Canadians feel a certain solidary – look at how rugged we are! – congenially referring to the rest of Canada and the US as the ‘Outside.’ So, despite my firmly leftist leaning, I was excited to see a fellow northerner in the public view. Than I learned that, although we’re mostly all prepared to like each other up here, Sarah Pale would not like my leftist, pro-choice, kinky female self.

  35. the focus on abstince in sex ed really scares me!!! by the time they even give sex ed kids are already fucking!! like sweet no sex before marrige might have worked in the days of married at 13, but now no!

  36. Dan kicked Palin’s a*s on Bill Maher without here even being in the room. The annoying tidbits of not so funny schtick in between important commentary aside, Maher talking about Biden bit*h slapping her in the upcoming debates makes me hopeful that there just might be a chance to her to actually put her foot up her own a*s in public. I can only hope. In the mean time, keep up the great work, Dan. We need to get Savage his own show!

  37. Abstinence ‘education’? Speaking as one who went through it, I can say firsthand what a load of crap it was. How can they think that a bunch of horny teenagers are going to keep it in their pants just cause a teacher (in a public school, mind you) tries telling you you’ll go to hell for it? I had some great sex in high school, and the only reason I’m childless still is because my parents talked to me about it REALISTICALLY-presented it as a choice between the pill and progeny. Maybe if other girls had had similar information given to them, fewer of my classmates would have gotten knocked up so young. When will people like Palin and Bush figure out that abstinence only education flies in the face of human nature? Should we call this new generation of illegitimate children the Bush-Boomers?

  38. This is by far the biggest of the farkups so far by the RNC, besides getting the wrong Walter Reed on the green screen, that is. The more I age the more politico I become 🙂

  40. I’m a little weirded out that you didn’t mention the other problems that might be going on under the surface with that guy… the one who’s dating someone whose Parents are younger than him.. I think that’s a huge red flag 90% of the time. Don’t you think that it would be a really big mistake for this “smart kid” to get so deeply involved with a very older man who wants to, essentially, treat him like a child that he also fucks? Away from contact with his entire family support system? I think you really missed the point there.

  41. “Excuse me, but if abstinence education can’t keep the daughter of the evangelical governor of Alaska off the cock, what hope is there for the daughters—and some of the sons—of average Americans?”

    In addition to your always poignant and relevant comments, thank you for your commentary at the end of the response to this letter by the way, this particular quotation made me laugh for 15 minutes. Wait -make that 16 minutes, because I’m still laughing, and anticipate I will be all day long. You have such a way with words! I love you Dan Savage!

  42. The thing to keep in mind about intergenerational relationships is that people grow up. The 17 year old that is imagining a life partner may be surprised by what happens when they reach 21.

  43. Can I please copy and paste this Palin rant on the RNC website?!?!?

    PRETTY PLEASE?!?!?
    —————–
    curlykerry, it’s easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. DO IT. And take out full-page ads displaying Dan’s commentary in conservative rags like the Washington Times, the St. Paul Pioneer-Press, and the San Diego Union-Tribune. Over here, Dan’s just preaching to the choir.

  46. Certainly in a sex advise column, your comments are relevant, but fiscal policy trumps sex ed policy. Obama’s intention to raise income taxes, capital gains taxes, dividend taxes, death taxes, social security taxes, etc. are trump any concern over sex ed policy.

  47. I live in Alaska, and it really scares me to see Sarah Palin as a Vice Presidential candidate. If you haven’t read it already, you should google Anne Killkenny’s letter about Sarah Palin. She knows her personally from living out in Wasilla, and it is a very interesting read. It also makes her candidacy a bit more terrifying.

  49. 1) That MySpace page is one of the multiple fakes that’s gone up under the name “Levi Johnston” in the last week.

    2) In fairness to Palin, her idea of “explicit” sex education — the kind she opposes — is something that goes beyond just discussing contraception. She has said that she is pro-contraception.

Comments are closed.