I’m a middle-aged guy. My
boyfriend just left his teens. We originally got to know each other
because I like to tie up muscular young guys and he’s a muscular young
guy who likes getting tied up. But he’s a smart kid and after a few
months we started actually liking each other. At some point that like
turned to love.

Here’s the problem: My boyfriend’s
parents—who are a little younger than I am—were snooping
and found video clips on his computer that clearly illustrated our
activities. He still lives with his parents and they were, prior to
this discovery, entirely ignorant of their son’s sexual orientation and
interests. They’re now threatening all the things asshole parents
threaten: to kick him out, to stop paying for school, to disown
him.

My first reaction was, “Come live with me,
you don’t need that kind of crap in your life.” But the more I think
about it, the more I wonder if it’s the right thing to do. They are his
family. Would I really be acting in his best interests if I helped him
walk away from them, even as horrible as they’re acting? I can put him
up at my place. I can pay for his schooling. I’d be proud to do it. But
I wonder if I’d be facilitating a decision he’d one day come to regret.
Plus, we’re in Boston and he isn’t yet 21. On top of everything else,
is there a chance the law could decide to bite me in the ass?

Not The Bad Guy

I can’t do my best work, NTBG, without
seeing those video clips. But let me give it a shot…

Your boyfriend is of legal age, so I don’t
see how you could possibly be in trouble with the law. (Unless those
bondage videos were made before he reached the age of consent, which
I’m hoping they were not.) His parents might not like the fact that
their son is gay and a bondage freak, or that he’s involved with an
older man, but there’s not a lot they can do about it.

Besides, of course, tossing him out,
disowning him, and refusing to pay for his education.

If they do toss him out and refuse to pay
for his education, NTBG, you should take him in and pay for his
education. Don’t do anything—anything else—that might
antagonize your boyfriend’s parents. No confrontations, no accusations,
no scenes. Write them one polite letter. Tell them you appreciate how
distressing it must have been for them to learn about their son’s
interests the way that they did, and tell them that, despite how they
may have interpreted those video clips, you mean their son no harm, and
that you intend to look out for him and keep him in school. Close by
telling them you will encourage your boyfriend to keep the lines of
communication open with them.

It could be emotionally tricky for a while,
perhaps a long while, as his parents adjust to the big kinky news. But
that’s what happens when you snoop: Sometimes you find out things that
you didn’t want to know, didn’t need to know, or weren’t ready to
know.

As for the boyfriend, it’s entirely possible
that he may one day blame you for his estrangement from his parents.
You can inoculate yourself against those charges by making sure he sees
you doing whatever you can to lay the groundwork for an eventual
reconciliation.

Moving on, NTBG, you say you’re in love, and
that’s swell. But just between us grown-ups: Very few people wind up
with the person they met and fell in love with in their teens. At best,
you’ll have a few great years with this kid. But this can be a really
successful relationship even if, as the song goes, “it’s only for
now”—if you play your cards right. And unless his parents
are seriously nuts and your boyfriend desperately needs the legal
protections of marriage—he needs you to be his next of kin in
case of a medical emergency, for instance—I wouldn’t marry his
hot and kinky 20-year-old ass. And if he does need the legal
protections of marriage, make him sign a prenup.

Speaking of hot teenagers and asshole
parents and vows that you may come to regret…

The 17-year-old daughter of Sarah Palin, the
GOP’s vice-presidential nominee, is pregnant. The news was released by
the McCain camp during a busy week—a hurricane, the Republican
National Convention, Dick Cheney getting us into a war with
Russia—so it didn’t receive the coverage it deserved. To
recap:

Seventeen-year-old Bristol Palin got her ass
knocked up five or so months ago by 18-year-old Levi Johnston. Among
the hobbies listed on Levi’s since-yanked MySpace page—”fishing,
shoot some shit, and just fuckin’ chillin'”—was this revealing
tidbit: “I don’t want kids.” But Bristol, says her mom, “made the
decision on her own to keep the baby,” and is now engaged to Levi
“Shootin’ Shit” Johnston.

As the adoptive parent of a child born to a
pair of unwed teenagers, I’m certainly not in favor of abortion in all
circumstances. But I believe that it’s a choice teenagers should be
able to make for themselves—with input from their families
whenever possible—and, so it seems, does the GOP’s VP nominee.
Sarah Palin is pleased that her daughter made the decision—on her
own—to keep the baby.

But Sarah Palin doesn’t believe that other
girls should be able to make their own decisions. Sarah Palin believes
abortion should be illegal in almost every instance—including
rape and incest. So Bristol Palin is being celebrated for making a
choice that Sarah Palin would like to take away from all other American
women. Apparently, today’s GOP believes that choice is a special right
reserved for the wayward daughters of Republican elected officials.

Oh, and Sarah Palin also believes that birth
control shouldn’t be made available to teenagers, she opposes medically
accurate sex education, and she backs abstinence-until-
marriage
sex “education.”

Sigh.

The GOP has poured hundreds of millions of
dollars into abstinence “education” programs during the Bush years. I
believe this enormous investment of public funds begs the obvious
question: Is our children abstaining? Sarah Palin’s aren’t.
Despite this massive outlay on the part of the American taxpayer
and the example set by her Christian parents, Bristol Palin
became sexually active while still in high school. Excuse me, but if
abstinence education can’t keep the daughter of the evangelical
governor of Alaska off the cock, what hope is there for the
daughters—and some of the sons—of average Americans?

I’m a cad for writing this, of course,
because shortly before Bristol and Levi were paraded before cheering
throngs at the Republican National Convention, the Palins asked the
media to respect their daughter’s privacy.

Another special right: When it comes to
respecting your family’s privacy, Palin and the GOP see no need.
They want to micromanage the most intimate aspects of your private
life. And if their own kids fail to live up to the standards
that Palin and the GOP seek to impose on your family, well,
that’s a private matter between the Palins, their daughter, their God,
and the thousands of screaming imbeciles in elephant hats waving
McCain/Palin signs on the floor of the Republican National
Convention.

mail@savagelove.net

107 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. Hi Dan –

    Although Ms. Palin is obviously personally against abortion, she has done nothing in her career, beyond making her own views known, to promote this.

    Also, she supports teaching abstinence ALONG WITH normal sex-ed. (Wasn’t personally ready for sex until way after high school, wish I’d gotten some support in the idea that that was O.K.)

    Finally, Palin vetoed a bill that would have denied benefits to same sex partners in Alaska. She did this against the wishes of her base and said that she did it because the bill was unconstitutional. I’m just happy she follows the constitution.

    You can read more about various Palin rumors (book banning lists, etc.) here: http://explorations.chasrmartin.com/2008/09/06/palin-rumors/

  2. I’d have a lot more respect for Sarah Palin if she admitted abstinence only education does not work. But the fact that the evidence is right in front of her and will be for the next eighteen years and she still advocates for it?

  4. Wtf? If you’re going to use a letter for your actual column, don’t post it on Slog like, 4 days earlier! Lazy fuck. Maybe you can compile them all into a book and write a one-page intro. What a hard worker you are.

  5. Is our kids abstaining? Absolutely not. But that’s ok for the GOP – they don’t really want them to. The more young people who become parents before they have a worldview that expands past their own small town, the better. The more young people who have to take sh*t jobs in order to pay the rent or the child support payment, the better because it means they don’t have time to see what their government is doing to them.

  7. A few things…
    I went to a parochial high school where there was only abstinence-until-marriage education, and I never once discussed contraception with my parents or any other adults. And yet I knew to use condoms and get my ass on the pill once I started having sex (and I had a lot of it, with multiple different partners). I’m pregnant now, at the age of 20, only because the contraception I was using (birth control pills) failed. So perhaps instead of putting all the blame on the people who aren’t educating kids about contraception, etc… and put some of it on the irresponsible assholes who don’t think to look for a way to stop themselves from getting pregnant when they’ve been hearing for years “if you have sex, you will get pregnant”? And I do mean that boys and girls are equally responsible for contraception, since they are equally responsible for any child they bring into the world.

    Also, “shortly before Bristol and Levi were paraded before cheering throngs at the Republican National Convention, the Palins asked the media to respect their daughter’s privacy”. Dan, are you suggesting that all pregnant teenagers should be locked up and hidden away for the entire length of their pregnancy? She has a right to her privacy AND to go out and celebrate at the RNC with the rest of her family.

    P.S. Can you please stop with the columns with one letter and then a political rant? You have Democrat and Republican readers, and most of us are here to read sex advice, not your feelings on every political event that you find relevant. Save it for the Slog please.

  8. I’m doubting he is actually the Dad, there aren’t that many girls in AK. and frankly I’m guessing he was just Mister “Most Likely”

  9. 6 weeks until the general election. I think I’ll give Dan the benefit of being able to write political commenatary in his article for the next few weeks.

    There are many themes in the election (roe vs. wade, same sex marriage, civil liberties, etc) that have a direct and indirect impact on future Savage Love articles.

    Keep up the great work Dan! BTW: Thought you were great on Real Time last week…as usual!

  10. Dan – I think you’re confused. I’m sure that the choice Bristol was given was not between having an abortion or having the baby, but between keeping the baby or giving it up for adoption.

  11. RE: Palin & abstinance-only sex education policy. Not only does it beg the question, “is our children abstaining?”, but Gov. Palin’s situation clearly points out that for kids who buck the education and don’t abstain, also clearly don’t have valubal information on how to prevent pregnancy (don’t even get me started on disease). I mostly agree that family members’ lives should be kept basically private, however I’m really hopping mad/frustrated at this crazy example of the REAL problem with abstinance-only sex (non)education! Screaming HELLO!!! over here in Seattle.

  12. Somehow, I have doubts that Bristol Palin’s “choice” was actually a choice. Even if she didn’t want the baby, her mom would have forced her into keeping it. I feel sorry for the girl.

  13. *sigh* This is why I read your column. Thank you for being such a cad & raising the issues you do about Palin’s ideologies. I shudder with fear when I think about what will happen if the McCain/Palin ticket wins.

  14. What really irritates me most about the Bristol Palin story is that if this had been Chelsea Clinton 10 years ago, the same morons cheering on Bristol in St. Paul what have torn Chelsea apart for even having had sex in the first place.

    The rank hypocrisy is nauseating.

  17. Who gives a shit about Palin’s personal life, much less the private lives of her minor children? Did you raise a fuss when Clinton cheated on his wife? nahh

    Care about her platform if you’re going to care about anything, leave her fuckin kids out of it. And I say this as a staunch anti-Republican.

    P.S. moar goddamn sex letters in a goddamn sex column would be most goddamn appreciated

  18. The media has fallen for the McCain trick of an unexpected vice presidential choice and covered almost nothing else for two weeks. Dan is a much needed voice for common sense. While there’s a lot of wild stuff out there in blog land, some true and some not, people should be looking for the truth behind the hype so they can make intelligent decisions. Library blogs are alive with the sound of censorship http://www.schoollibraryjournal.com/article/CA6593199.html
    and I’m sure there’s more about Palin’s record we’ll want to know. I don’t expect she’s a Dan Savage fan. Read. THINK. Vote. Read Mr. Obama’s book on constitutional law and the future of America, The Audacity of Hope http://www.worldcat.org/oclc/71312726&referer=brief_results Don’t make a decision on the future of our country based on sound bites.

  19. THANK YOU! This issue is not about privacy–it’s about putting someone in power who doesn’t have the wit to recognize she’s selling a product that not only doesn’t work, but does more harm than good.

    In general, I am all for respecting the privacy of a candidate’s family. But Palin is so obviously inept–she thinks she’s qualified to deal with foreign policy because ‘you can see Russia’ across the Bering Strait! She seems to have spent her tenure as Mayor and Governor trying to get people fired because they thwarted her personal spitefulness (a librarian refusing to ban books, a police chief refusing to fire her soon-to-be-ex brother in law)–does this vindictiveness suggest any statesmanlike quality?

    And dear gawdinheaven, we’ve had enough of these hypocritical neocons trying to control other folks’ sex lives when their own are out of control. I feel very sorry for Bristol Palin (particularly since a British reader on another blog has just posted that “a pair of Bristols” is Cockney rhyming slang for tits) but if she and Levi have any sense, they’ll rethink getting married. As if they really have a choice…

    This issue is relevant. Thank you for not being intimidated by the ‘let’s all be nicey-nice’ BS!

  20. I like this:

    ‘But this can be a really successful relationship even if, as the song goes, “it’s only for now”.’

    One of the things polyamory taught me is that just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it fails. Like everything else, relationships have lifespans, and accepting the natural end of a relationship gracefully is a good thing, if insanely difficult at times.

    Great stuff, Dan.

  23. ummmm….HELLO….Palin doesn’t advocate only teaching abstinence!

    And she hasn’t done ANYTHING to promote a Pro-Life agenda other than keep Trig. (In fact, some pro-lifers find her disingenuous on the issue).

  24. The problem with saying that we shouldn’t question anything in Palin’s family life is that it allows the GOP to continue pushing for policies that will deny women their rights.

    For example, Palin decided when her amniotic fluid was leaking, in the 8th month of a Down Syndrome-fetus pregnancy she was carrying at age 44, that she knew what labor felt like, this wasn’t labor, and she could get on a flight from Texas to Alaska if she wanted to.

    As this excellent letter from an advocacy organization for pregnant women (http://www.alternet.org/reproductivejustice/97457/an_open_letter_to_gov._sarah_palin_on_women's_rights/) points out, there are women all over the country getting prosecuted for making their own decisions about whether they want to give birth at home, use a midwife, refuse a C-section, etc.

    I bet Dan can tell you about the legal threats facing a woman who used drugs during her pregnancy and has the misfortune of delivering a stillborn. Homicide charges are just the beginning. In some jurisdictions, if I were giving legal advice to a drug user who had gotten pregnant, I’d tell her she’d better abort — even if she wanted to finish the pregnancy — to avoid prosecution for having mistreated the fetus.

    But if you believe that a fetus is a legal person with rights that supersede the liberty of the woman carrying it, then of course you prosecute women for failing to live up to your standards for caring for the fetus.

  27. I am surprised that your “between adults” comments in this last post didn’t include the importance of not taking advantage of the age differential. people in their 20s have more than a lot of growing up to do and every year is a whole shift in outlook- esp. when in school and continuously thinking/learning.

  28. Dan, don’t forget that Sarah Palin herself, Ms. Abstinence-Only Education, had to get married when she was 24 because she got knocked up herself. Check out the records. Her son was born 7.5 months after the sudden elopement.

  30. No one would give a flying fuck if Obama’s daughter were pregnant, because he’s a man, and therefore not responsible for his daughters. No one’s questioning if he can be a father and the president, and yet everyone wants to know how she can be a mother and be vice president. Considering how liberal you Democrats claim to be, you sure are doing your best to discredit Palin based on the fact that she’s a woman.

  33. Dan,

    The Sarah thing is not funny. She’s the worst possible combination of Bush & Cheney a charming, double-faced, incompetent radical. The only improvement is that, unlike Cheney, she CAN shoot straight.

    Time to do for “palin” what you did for “santorum”!

  34. Dan,

    Love your column, and haven’t missed one since I started reading in 1994.

    Just wanted to let you know, you used the phrase “begs the question” incorrectly. It doesn’t mean “invites the question” as you used it. I see it all the time, and that’s why someone created this website:

    http://begthequestion.info/

    Now that I’ve pointed it out, you’ll start noticing it constantly in the media and it will annoy the sh*t out of you!

  35. I hate to say this Dan, but you’re slipping. Like some other commenters have stated, one recycled letter and a rant does not make a column. This isn’t the first time you’ve done it either. You must have some very forgiving bosses to get away with this.

  36. Dan,

    I am waiting for your comments on the John Edwards affair. I feel that he is being unfairly criticized in the media. What he did might be wrong (depending on whether when and how he informed his wife about it), but I do not see why his political future should have anything to do with this. Any comments?

  39. Caribou Barbie scares the living hell out of me-Happily,a wide swath of Montanans are NOT diggin’ Palin- the conservatives are disgusted by her placement of ambition over the needs of her large and presently beset family and Montana’s right wing is not all that thrilled with the idea of a person who would even ASK a librarian about her possible reaction to being told to remove books from a public library- This place is composed largely of REAL conservatives- people who think that parenting should be done by parents, not commitees and that such decisions are the business of the family, not the government.
    General consensus on the matter of sex ed is that schools should teach facts- all of them- and families should teach values like abstinence, self respect, restraint and a proper fear of consequences.
    Montana’s sportsmen are growing less entertained by the minute as it becomes clear that she’s not a responsible steward- They love that she hunts, and are concerned about the future of gun ownership, but are starting to get a clue that it’s not a love or respect for nature that fuels her enthusiasm… the shooting wolves from helicopters thing is not playing well here, nor are her lawsuit over the inclusion of polar bears on the endangered species list or her stand on development of the Pebble mine- a project that would, in a very few years kill off the largest Sockeye salmon run in the world.
    Everyone is pretty much amazed by the waffling on various earmarks, like the infamous “Bridge to Nowhere”, and her use of taxpayer money to fund ads for and against various Alaskan ballot measures.

    As for me, and most of my tribe of disillusioned liberals, we just hate her- her attitude, her environmental record, her desire to see women stripped of reproductive rights, all of it…. Besides the reasons above, I feel that her exposing her daughter to the international spotlight at this hard and chaotic moment in the girl’s life reveals a lust for power that is quite frightening, her snide remarks about community action are a slap in the face to all of us who give time and energy to the goal of improving our communities, preserving historic and natural resources, expanding social resources and providing options for our children… and don’t get me started about a parent who takes on such a demanding and draining challenge with an infant who has special needs and 2 other young children still at home- Gender is not the issue for me, I’d be just as dismayed by a father adding to his family’s burdens under these circumstances….

  40. your appearance on Bill Maher was my first exposure to the Savage wit…..must say, i like what i see….or is it “like what i heard”

    since i’m older and not so much wiser i’ve decided to bookmark your ass….such an honor, if i may say so myself.

  41. Why should Bristol Palin have abstained when her mom didn’t? Granted she wasn’t a teen but still, she was knocked up with Track (yeah, what a name) before she got married.

  42. OK,Dan, we enjoy your GOP-bashing. But remember that the Democrats are as bad as the Republicans when it comes to personal freedom. (Did we forget that all senators except one voted for the Patriot Act?)

    You could do a favor to your readers by explaining that there are other candidates in the race for president. These include Libertarian Bob Barr, Green Cynthia McKinney, and independent Ralph Nader.

    However, I understand that mentioning third party candidates might get you discredited by your publishers. It is my understanding that covering alternative candidates (as opposed to alternative forms of sex) is a major taboo of the mainstream media.

  44. Dan – found you semi-recently through Real Time, and the more I read the more I recognize the true excellence of what you’re doing. I’m glad that you’re visible in the media; yours is a voice that my friends and I always look forward to hearing. Thanks.

  45. “Speaking of hot teenagers and asshole parents and vows that you may come to regret…”
    ….then you start talking about Palin, haha!!! That was a classic… I really think the Palin pick is politically motivated. Someone told me before that most of the time, the most religious persons are the ones who’ll screw you over. And sadly, I’ve been unfortunate to experience that… So yeah, her being “religious” is, for me, full of crap.

  46. Dan, on the specific advice rendered to Not the Bad Guy, thanks very much. I’m in a similar situation, sans the bondage and angry parents. My new boyfriend hails from your city while I live in NY. We’re getting very serious, and I am indeed very concerned that the age difference will ultimately do us in. And so thanks for the reminder, I will tread lightly and remember your other advice, the Boy Scout Motto, leave him better off than he was.

  48. Loved all your comments on Palin. One other thing, she was knocked up when she got married, so it’s very much like mother, like daughter. I guess she didn’t learn abstinence either.

  49. Dan,
    Thank you.
    Normally I would say that Bristol’s pregnancy is off-limits, like Obama did. However, I think it is relevant to the election when the politician is so actively against sex ed, birth control and abortion.

    Keep up the good work.

  50. Of course you do realize that Alaska is actually number one in the availability of birth control and number one in public funding. Yeah. Number 1. Delaware is 11th and 21st. Family planning clinics serve 81% of all women in need, compared to 50% in Delaware. Alaska has the 30th highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation. Delaware has the 11th. There are 9 abortion providers in the state, same as Delaware. Both states have parental consent laws, and while Alaska has no mandatory waiting period, Delaware does. Alaska has no post-viability abortion bans, Delaware does.

    Also state law in AK entirely agnostic on birth control education. Nearly all of the schools teach both birth control methods and abstinence education. I have no idea what Palin tells her daughter, it might very well be bat-shit insane, but actual state policy certainly hasn’t been affected by either her or her Republican predecessor.

    I’m just saying…

    I think bad stuff we didn’t already know about like, “The Pill Kills” for instance, is really important to know about, but can’t we get off the obvious political angrytrain and start talking about sex and relationships again. I miss those days…

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