I’m a 32-year-old female engaged to a 34-year-old man. Some months ago, when we were both drunk,
he “got up the nerve” to show me some bestiality porn and tell me how
much the thought of me with a dog turns him on. He was absolutely
terrified that I would leave him over this but said he couldn’t hide it
anymore. I was pretty inebriated at the time, and I didn’t say much. We
continued to watch dog-on-girl porn, which I can’t say turned me off,
but mainly because it turned him on so much.

Since then, he has brought up this subject
when he’s inebriated. I’ve told him that as long as this remains a
fantasy, I won’t make an issue of it. I also told him that when I am
sober it makes me fairly uncomfortable and that it exploits the animal
involved. He argued what I’m sure a lot of people into bestiality
believe: It isn’t cruelty or abuse if it’s a male dog doing what comes
instinctively to that dog. He also told me that he once had a
girlfriend who allowed a dog into their sex life, him as a voyeur, her
as a participant in full-on sex with the animal. At that point I
changed the subject and we had good old vanilla sex with no more talk
of dogs, but he was really turned on. I love this man a lot and in
every other way our lives are wonderful. We have also both cut back on
drinking in the past month—this is a commitment we have made to
each other.

The questions I have are these: Is just the
fact that he is/we are watching this kind of porn animal abuse? Can
this really remain just a fantasy for him, or will he seek this out
again, especially since he has had it before? Bestiality is one of the
fetishes you disapprove of, Dan, but I have no one else to ask about
this.

Dog Day Shafternoon

Yes, DDS, I disapprove of
bestiality—because, well, ick. And that, as anonymous
dog-fuckers have pointed out to me repeatedly over the years, is the
same logic homophobes use to justify their bigotry. But when I go on
the record about bestiality—and I’m always con—I go out of
my way to throw the animal lovers a bone: If I were a sheep, I’d
certainly rather be screwed than stewed.

But still. Ick.

Seeing as I’m biased against
bestiality—particularly dog-fuckery, as I don’t understand how
people even keep dogs as pets—I’m going to recuse myself
for a few paragraphs.

“In most cases, the animal is willing and
able,” says Martin Weinberg, a professor in the Department of Sociology
at Indiana University who has studied zoophilia. “It is difficult and
dangerous to try and force an animal to do something it doesn’t want to
do,” adds Weinberg. “However, bestiality is against the law in many
states, even though I do not see it as abuse unless the animal is
physically forced.”

And then Dr. Weinberg makes an important
point, one that your fiancé needs to take to heart, one that you
might wanna have tattooed backward on his forehead the next time he
blacks out: “But if the girlfriend isn’t interested in watching it (or
in actually participating in the act), the man should be informed
that trying to force her into doing so is (to me) partner abuse.”
(Emphasis added.)

Catch that? While your boyfriend’s interests
may not qualify as animal abuse—and many would debate that
point—hounding you about it endlessly does qualify as
girlfriend/fiancée/wife abuse.

“The man this woman is talking about, as far
as we know, has never had sex with animals,” says Dr. Hani Miletski,
author of Understanding Bestiality & Zoophilia. “He just
likes to watch, which is very common. There are numerous sites online
that feature bestiality, and many curious people visit them often. For
some, it’s just curiosity.”

And for some, it’s so much more.

Will your boyfriend, in Dr. Miletski’s
opinion, be able to let this fantasy remain a fantasy? Or will he seek
it out again?

“It’s always difficult to predict what the
future will bring,” says Dr. Miletski, “but my guess is that he will
always use the idea of bestiality as a part, probably a major part, of
his sexual fantasy. He will probably try to get his current girlfriend
to act it out… but if she doesn’t feel comfortable with that, she
should continue to do and say what she has already done and said.”

I know what I would do and say: If my
partner could only get it up while images of dogs fucking my ass danced
in his head, that would be a deal breaker. But you’re more
compassionate or tolerant or indulgent than I am, DDS, and you sound
inclined to stay with this guy. And when drunk, DDS, you sound like you
might be tempted to give your fiancé what he wants. (“I can’t
say [it] turned me off, but mainly because it turned him on so much,”
“when I am sober it makes me fairly uncomfortable.”) So here’s how
things are gonna play out if you stay with this dude: He’s going to
bring this up again and again, and his commitment to cutting back on
booze will be undermined—perhaps fatally—by what booze
allows him to do, i.e., lower his inhibitions enough to go there, and
by what booze allows you to do, i.e., contemplate fucking dogs with
some level of comfort.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t stay. But you
gotta know what you’re signing up for: At the very least, you will be
indulging him in dog-on-girl—or dog-in-girl or
dog-in-you—dirty talk on a regular basis. And he will live
in hope that, if you talk about this long enough, if he gets drunk and
begs you often enough and can manage to get you drunk enough, you will,
one day, go there.

Don’t say you weren’t warned.

I love my husband. But he
won’t eat it. Absolutely won’t lick me down there. I do everything for
him! We’ve even started ass play, with me sticking a finger in his ass
while I blow him. I’ve explained to him that I can’t come—not
hard!—without it. He insists that he never will go there, and he
has accused me of trying to make him do something totally against his
moral code. I’m distraught to the point of wanting to cheat on him!
What do I do?

Unlicky In Love

Cheat on him already, UIL.

And while you’re online searching for a man
who’ll go down on you, UIL, I’m going to go online and Google “moral
codes.” I’m curious about this mysterious moral code your husband
cites, one that permits a finger up the butt during a blowjob but
forbids cunnilingus entirely. I know it’s not a Catholic thing—I
was an altar boy—but maybe it’s a Mormon delusion, like magic
underpants and coffeephobia and “Mitt Romney 2012.”

mail@savagelove.net

123 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. As is pointed out every week, the column date is the same as the printed publication date. That’s why it is always posted a day or two ahead.

  3. really dan, this has got to be a record. are you so desperate to keep your mind off the returns that you’re speaking gently to a gal who’s willing to stay with a *dog fucker*?? or really, one who’d like her to be the dog fuckee.

    i would like it to be november 6th also, though, so i’ll take whatever distractions are offered, including the – yeeg – thought of boyfriends who want their women to fuck dogs, a problem i am thankful not to have.

    listen, DDS, dan’s on record on this point already, but the living being whose abuse you should be concerned about in bestiality porn is the women.

    there are a lot more men with this fantasy than women willing to indulge them, even if they’re getting paid for the acting, and they may not even be getting paid – it’s very likely they’re being abused or exploited to get them in the position where they’re fucking dogs on camera, okay? so consider that first. if, however, it never occurred to you that women might be exploited or coerced or forced into performing for these videos by the same sort of sick bastards that abuse women (and often, children) in any other scenario, then you’ve never met a youth pastor, right? well, lucky you. but get out anyway, that’s my advice.

  4. Oral sex comes standard with the model. I recommend that you refuse a) to go down on him and/or b) to make him orgasm until he brings you the goodies. Why on earth is he refusing to lick that lollypop, and why on earth did you marry him??

    Assuming that no one will budge here, can I recommend that he use toys on you? There’s some yummy stuff out there. It’ll be great!… until you realize it’s better than he is.

  5. UIL – you really have a fair beef; you are giving full-service, chrome-plated blowjobs to someone who thinks he is an acolyte of some sort of obscure god of bad sex. He totally deserves to be cheated on, and you totally deserve to find some more well-balanced fellow to work you over.

    But, if you do this without giving him a clear warning, you are going to turn yourself into the bad guy of this situation. How much happier will you be when your husband is both a bad lover and convinced you are a sneaky, cheating douche-bag?

    You need to tell him (1) it is your right as a human being to get munched on; and (2) if he doesn’t start doing it regularly and without complaint you will find it elsewhere.

  6. Just two this week Dan? Don’t you have over a thousand piled up that you promised to answer due to Prop 8 contributions? Why not answer more of them here?

  8. Starfireming, I’m with you on this one. Stop blowing him, and when he asks why, tell him your “moral code” forbids you from sucking the cocks of self-centred pricks.

  9. that was great and really thoughtful. It’s amazing to see people write with open minds even about things they are freaked out about. It makes me glad I read the stranger… and not much makes me feel that way… normally I just feel kind of dirty.

  12. I love going down on my girl and the feeling of knowing I can please her. I don’t understand why gals stay with a-hole guys who won’t reciprocate. It’s BS. GGG is a prequisite in a thriving relationship.

  13. If DDS’s boyfriend is into the dog thing and was able to have this interest gratified with his last girlfriend, he will keep after DDS until she gives in. And, it looks like DDS will give in as she has not set a firm boundary with him, at least according to her letter.

    DDS tells her boyfriend she’s only okay with the dog thing as long as it remains a fantasy. Then she says, however, that she changed the subject when he brought it up again, rather than calling him out for bringing up the subject again. Her reaction here communicates to him that she can be pushed. It’s also interesting that both she and her boyfriend discuss abuse only in terms of the dog.

    Run DDS, run. You’re ambivalent about indulging your fiance’s kink–I’d say for good reason–but you sound like you’re also afraid to deny him. It’s very possible you’ll give in and regret it later–a lot.

    Worse though then the kink itself–that is, casting aside the ick factor–he doesn’t seem to care about your feelings too much or take what you say very seriously. Even though it doesn’t sound like he’s mean about it, his actions (i.e. continuing to push the dog thing) amount to pressuring you, if insidiously. I wonder what else he might try to pressure you into doing.

    It also sounds like you’re both addicted to alcohol (or at least abusing it), a condition which makes boundary setting difficult at best and tends to set the stage for shame-inducing behavior. Mixing alcohol and participating in a kink you’re not fully into is a recipe for crippling self-hatred down the line (i.e. you get drunk, have sex with the dog, and get disgusted with yourself once you sober up).

    This guy may have many great qualities but he’s got some troublesome ones as well–a letter’s not much to go on but there are some major indicators here.

    Again I say, run DDS run. It’s possible to find love with a man who doesn’t get loaded and try to wheedle you into dog sex.

  14. Well, Rick, unless you spend all of your time in a monastery or the baths, you’re probably in the same room with vaginas a lot. (You just don’t see them because most of us vagina owners tend to keep them under our clothing.)

    I imagine yours must be an existence of perpetual disgust. There we are, on the bus, walking past you on the sidewalk, in bars, in restaurants–I mean it, we are everywhere. Must be rough having to share the planet with all us cooter-havers.

  18. @Lady V

    OMG, did that get defeated? I don’t live in California, but I’ve SO been rooting for Prop 8 to get buried in a shallow grave and pissed on.

  20. You guys are better than I am. I would not only stop blowing him, but stop having any sort of sexual contact with him until we were on solid even ground.

  21. The question of why he wont go down on you does not even matter.The answer is you leave him now ,thats all that matters.Hundreds of millions of men out there will go down on you ,yet you stay with and beg the ONE that won`t.Wasting your precious ( I want my pussy licked) time..And that time my dear slips away faster than you can imagine……….BRAD

  22. For UIL: Women often assume that they have normal odor when sometimes they are just totally rank. Perhaps “I don’t go there,” is easier to say than “your poon smells/tastes like a garbage truck”?

    I’m forgiving Dan for missing this because he’s gay and probably doesn’t know how nasty it can get. Guys get stinky but the girls can get way worse.

  24. The professor sais “In most cases, the animal is willing and able,” and “bestiality is against the law in many states, even though I do not see it as abuse unless the animal is physically forced.”

    Now replace “animal” with “12-year-old.”

  25. what happened in California Dan??? How come we elected a black candidate who promises change, but slammed the door shut on gay marriage?

  26. I know a really nice guy who is loving and considerate. But he cannot tolerate the smell of pussy, much less put his face in it. He is my platonic friend and I am a queer girl who adores eating pussy, but sometimes it happens, wheather due to poor hygiene or possible illness, that a pussy is too rank to enjoy. UIL’s husband might be working with a bad past experience that he might need help getting past. Hypnotherapy might help him.

  27. No, cheating isn’t ok, regardless of whether someone’s giving you oral sex or not. You were stupid enough not to find out before marriage; now you pay the price : welcome to divorceland.

    Let’s introduce a novel concept : you doing more does not oblige me to do the same. He wasn’t providing oral sex, you did more in bed despite his statement he still wouldn’t do oral sex, and now you’re miffed he’s being completely consistent?

    No-one is obliged to be serviced orally, particularly when they’ve implicitly accepted the lack of oral up until a point. Nagging someone after this to go down on you in the face of continued refusal is abuse.

    Agree your groundrules *before* you commit.

  29. There are so many bigots in this country. Time and activism are what allowed legal marriages between black and white Americans. Same goes here. It is time to out the democrats for their spineless ways; even Barak loves “seperate but equal”. Shame on him for giving gay folk the back of the bus with domestic partnership.

  30. Gregg raises an interesting point about the thumb up the butt deal. Perhaps his ‘moral code’ is simply that he thinks that the ‘gina looks like “a canned ham dropped from a very great height”. In a word, he’s anti-pussy.
    Which is not to excuse his horrible horrible refusal to indulge in munchery, but perhaps with a mouth around his cock and finger up his butt this fellow is fantasizing about a male partner. Tough, however, to imagine that you are with a man when you have a mouth full of that sweet sweet (though not to him) pussy.
    I may be totally off base though, having only been blown by women. Is fellatio so very different when given by a man?

  32. As happy as I am concerning Obama’s victory, the fact that Prop 8 was passed, in my home state of CALIFORNIA especially, has me feeling sick and cold in disbelief. I’m truly sorry — sorry that the lesser half of the state won, and for the people and families that have now been affected. For those kids who don’t know any better than to feel like aberrations, and the men and women who now see their neighbors in a wholly different light — as people that would see them as threats to the “sanctity of marriage”, a union so sacred that 50% of heterosexual couples will ultimately kick it into the mud.

  33. 15 years??? Not to overlap here, but you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. If he hasn’t touched his mouth to her bits in 15 FUCKING YEARS no amount of threatening or begging or logic is going to result in him going down on her in any sort of satisfactory fashion.

    Even if women don’t care for cunnilingus, it should always be offered and even accepted (at first, if only briefly) before a blow job, just so everyone knows where they stand (or kneel). But maybe I’m just traditional.

  34. Not going down on his wife is either a homo thing or a sexist thing. His moral code could be “no real man goes down”–he gets serviced, he doesn’t do the servicing! Which, if true, makes him a real MF, so I’d have no problem DTMFA.

  36. Question… how the fuck did you marry a man who refused to go down on you? Did you think the ring would change his mind?

    Jesus… the shit women put up with. Get a fucking backbone and DTMFA.

  37. UIL, I totally agree your guy needs to be cheated on. Let him know you don’t want to force him to do anything against his “moral code” but that you need more than what he is giving and you’re willing to go get it elsewhere. Also, while you are at it, stop blow jobs- why should you give him something he’s not giving you? Actually I say divorce this loser and find someone that wants to please you, your dude is selfish in bed and I’m sure it carries over into other things as well- you deserve better!

  38. Really Dan, (does Dan even read these comment? I’m guessing not but anyway)
    You answered 2 questions this week, most weeks you answer 3. I’m assuming that this is your only job and that you get paid well for what you do. I know you get hundreds if not thousands of letters a week. Why not throw a few more up there. I know you don’t have too as you don’t but we fans clamor for more. Would it be that much harder to do say 5 or 6 questions a week. Great column we just want more.

  39. Unlicky in Love, your husband doesn’t deserve you. DTMFA, and find someone who’ll go down on you. Most guys don’t find the act morally repugnant. You shouldn’t be content to stay with someone who does.

    Just a thought: What would happen if you refused to go down on him?

  40. UIL maybe has a rank pussy unsuitable for munching. poor thing! or this guy is a complete creep. pussies aren’t the only things that get rank. sometimes cocks/crotches aren’t all too pleasant either. if it stinks, it doesn’t get sucked/munched.

  41. Remember that Sopranos episode where word got out that Uncle Junior gave oral to his girlfriend? Everyone in Tony’s circle thought cunnilingus was never done by a real man and gave Uncle Junior rafts of shit. Uncle Junior threw his girlfriend out for letting out their “secret.” Evidently, some guys think doing oral on a woman is disgusting. If they can’t get over this hang-up, they deserve the kind of women who are willing to put up with this nonsense — doormats, prudes, and frigids. If it’s a hygiene issue, she should wash first (and maybe shave — the hair traps odors) but it usually isn’t.

  43. JFC – there’s nothing gay about having something up your ass. not long ago people thought girl-on-top sex or pussy-in-mouth sex meant a guy was gay. here’s a tip that will help you negotiate this difficult issue: if a man is enthusiastically having sex exclusively with women, he is straight.

  44. you know, i’m not entirely convinced that her husband won’t eat pussy. something about the way she phrased it, and the mention of the ass play, made me think that her husband doesn’t want to eat ass.

  45. Unlicky, Gregg might be on to something. Why did you marry a man uninterested or terrified of pussy? Look at his eyes when you go down on him and slip the finger in. If he stares at himself and it’s all about HIS cock and asshole, then he’s self-centered and you need to come to terms with the fact that he just doesn’t give a shit about your pleasure. Buy him a realdoll(tm) and find someone who can emotionally connect.

    If he squeezes his eyes shut and goes to his happy place full of cocks and assholes — ANY cocks and assholes, then he’s just starting to unlock the closet. You’re well on your way to him calling from the slammer with the “wide stance” defense. Worse yet, it’s dudes in denial who hook up in bathrooms and pass along viral or bacterial presents that keep giving. Spare yourself the wasted investment and find yourself a partner who likes women.

    (Disclaimer: I can’t get enough of it. Seriously, I like it almost as much as full on intercourse. Nothing makes me happier than seeing my partner’s belly quiver in front of my nose when I curl up my tongue inside her. I’m doubly blessed, because (A) I love looking, tasting, licking & feeling yummy gorgeous twat and (b) I love her and would floss my nostrils with her hair if it made her come hard, but luckily my love comes like a freight train on a loop when I go down on her. Utter lapping bliss.)

  46. Dog fuckers: NO

    Cunnilingus: YES PLEASE!

    His “moral code” is shorthand for “selfish bastard”. What the hell? Oral sex between partners is a 2-way street called route 69. You gotta give to get. No free lunches, buddy.

  47. OH MY GOD. Leave him. He’s a fucking ass-hole. Look, if he’s not willing to do something so basic and loving, what kind of a partner can he be in other areas of your life?

    I can’t believe there are still people who are so fucked. Why don’t you get him to listen to “My Neck, My Back” by Khia.

  48. Savage writes: “I’m curious about this mysterious moral code your husband cites, one that permits a finger up the butt during a blowjob but forbids cunnilingus entirely.”

    It took about five minutes on Google to come up with a semi-plausible candidate — whichever moral code it was which inspired the Texas sodomy statute that was struck down in the Lawrence supreme court decision.

    It reads, in part:

    (1) “Deviate sexual intercourse” means:

    (A) any contact between any part of the genitals of one person and the mouth or anus of another person; or

    (B) the penetration of the genitals or the anus of another person with an object.

    Under this definition, a finger up the butt is not a problem (it’s not an “object” under part B but part of a person which is not the genitals), but the cunnilingus violates part A. Of course, so does the blowjob part of a finger-up-the-butt-with-blowjob, but since he’s on the receiving end of that one, he’s probably less apt to think it all the way through.

  49. UIL – Solution: Cheat on him with a woman; I did (still am) and I LOVE it!! My fiance’ never goes down on me so I had to fulfill my needs without his help. It works;D

  50. Hey UIL, sorry to hear that your man won’t go down on you, that’s a fucking drag. Personally I’ll forgo a blow and eat a woman out until she orgasms, I can nut when we fuck.

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