I have to say I’m
disappointed.

Proposition 8 passed in California, as did
anti-gay-marriage amendments in Florida and Arizona. Decency and
compassion suffered a horrible blow, and I was hoping to hear a few
words from you about it. Some inspiration before I took off from work
to go and protest the Mormon Church. Maybe you had your column written
already, but couldn’t you have pulled an all-nighter in order to write
something more relevant?

A Loyal Reader

Sorry, ALR, but due to the vagaries of the
dead-tree media, I file these columns roughly a week in advance.
(Please note: At my house, “filing a column” doubles as a euphemism for
taking a crap. Make of that what you will.)

But here’s my election-night reax, a week
late, for what it’s worth: I voted for Obama, gave money to Obama, and
cried when CNN called it for Obama. But the approval of the
Mormon-bankrolled anti-gay-marriage amendment in California quickly
snuffed my Obama buzz. I had expected anti-gay-marriage amendments in
Arizona and Florida to pass, of course, but voters in
California—particularly those who voted for Obama,
against the rights of same-sex couples, and for the
rights of farm animals—came close to ruining election night for
me.

But let’s look on the bright side of the
anti-gay-marriage amendments, shall we? The openly Republican governor
of Florida, Charlie Crist—who got engaged to a real live girl
when he was in the running to be McCain’s VP—won’t have to marry
a real live girl now. Because it’s illegal for gays to get married now
in Florida—right, Charlie? And even in California there’s a
little good news: Voters approved this year’s anti-gay-marriage
amendment by much smaller margins (52 to 48) than they approved an
anti-gay-marriage law back in 2000 (61 to 38). So… uh… we’re
winning, even as we’re losing.

Or something.

But now, to honor Barack Obama’s historic
victory, I will answer questions that were e-mailed by readers on
election night. While you were obsessing about election returns, there
were people out there writing to me about…

I am a completely straight
guy. I am madly in love with my girlfriend. One night, she was
giving me oral and stuck a finger in my ass. I was uncomfortable at
first, but in a little time I began to like it. I found it felt so
good. Now my girlfriend asked if I wanted to try a butt plug. At first
I said, “Yes!” But now, the more I think about it, I am starting to
think it may be gay. My question: Is there something gay about using a
butt plug?

Guy With Anal Interests

I’ve dedicated my life to reassuring panicky
straight boys that a little anal stimulation won’t make ’em gay. My
oft-stated position: If a guy and a girl are doing it during
sex—whatever it is, whatever it looks like—it’s straight
sex. And, yes, that includes a pair of straight girls making out to
turn on a straight boy, as well as the far less common
straight-boys-making-out-to-turn-on-a-straight-girl scenario.

But no more. From now on, I intend to sow
gay panic when and where I can. Maybe straight men, who voted in
overwhelming numbers for the various antigay shit on their ballots,
won’t be so quick to strip gay people of their civil rights if they’re
worried that one false move—or one finger up the butt—can
turn them gay. So for the record, breeder boys: A finger in the butt
can make you gay, using a butt plug can make you gay, doing it doggy
style can make you gay, playing with your nipples can make you gay,
fucking a woman in the ass can make you gay, wiping from front to back
can make you gay, standing up to pee can make you gay, and watching
dudes hump dudes on ESPN—Ultimate Fighting
Championship—for sure makes you gay.

I hope you can help. My
boyfriend gets home from Afghanistan next week, and I want to surprise
him with anal. I can’t find anything online about preparing for it. I
don’t want to be messy. It’s always clean in porn videos. Please
advise.

Desperate

Careful there, Desperate, I’d hate to see
your boyfriend turn gay. But if you want to risk it, get your hands on
a copy of Tristan Taormino’s The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for
Women. But don’t blame me if he wants to gay marry you
afterward.

I’m a 21-year-old bi guy, and
I was recently hanging out at my university’s Queer Collective when the
issue of the “F” word came up. I argued that it was okay to use the
word so long as it’s not derogatory. The lesbians, however, thought
that it was disgusting slang, almost like using the “N” word to
describe black people. What do I do, Dan? Is the “F” word off
limits?

Flabbergasted About Glossary

The “F” word should only be used to describe
voters in California, Florida, and Arizona who cast ballots for Obama
and their state’s anti-gay-marriage amendments. We are talking
about the word “fuckers,” right?

I have a question of a more
medical nature for you. My husband and I have been married four months,
both virgins at the time of marriage. We have sex three or four times a
week and always use lube. The problem is that sex is very painful for
me. On my back or from behind is uncomfortable, but tolerable. Me on
top is unbearable. My husband is aware of and sensitive to this issue.
He makes sure I’m relaxed and will change positions or stop when I ask.
Will it get any better? I want to have sex without any hesitation.

Painful Intercourse Needs To Stop

Here’s an idea that might help, PINTS: Have
more sex but less vaginal intercourse. Get some oral-sex sessions into
the mix, along with some mutual-masturbation sessions; in other words,
sex you can have without hesitation right now. Then go see a doc to
make sure there isn’t a medical issue here. If there isn’t, slowly work
vaginal intercourse back into the mix, experimenting with new positions
and lubricants, without eliminating oral and mutual masturbation as
stand-alone sex acts you can enjoy with the husband and sex acts you
can transition to when vaginal intercourse isn’t working for you.

I’m a straight white boy of 25
who is very excited about Obama’s victory and the landslide in
Congress. Proposition 8 is still undecided, though, while they count
votes. I wanted you to know that I’m rooting for you, my uncle, his
partner—his husband, actually, as of last week—and every
gay man and woman in California.

Stephen

Thanks for the note, Stephen, but
Proposition 8 was decided by the time I got it. My condolences to your
uncle and his husband.

mail@savagelove.net

212 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. I’m a straight boomer woman who wholeheartedly supports the rights of gays to marry or do anything else they want to, for that matter. I don’t see how it harms the “institution of marriage”, nor do I think that it would open the doors for the “zoo” crowd to marry their dogs and donkeys. The Prop 8 failure is a minor setback. Eventually, all the dogmatic fear-mongering old guard will die and we’ll have a brand new liberal, accepting and enveloping world to live in. I hope I live long enough to see it. Blessings to all of us.

  4. Hey Savage,

    Did you check this article out in the Advocate/gaywired?

    http://www.gaywired.com/Article.cfm?ID=2…

    In a previous post, about 8 above this, I sent a copy of my comments to D.L. Hughley concerning a correlation between AIDS/HIV and the 70% vote for Prop 8 in the African American community.

    The idea that gays have to hide and are looked down upon in the African -American community more than in others, appears to be a big reason why HIV may be higher in that community. If gays can’t come out, how will anyone feel comfortable talking about HIV, bi-sexuality, or the down-low factor.

    I do understand that this may also be because of the “joke” or excuse that many African-American’s can’t find a condom to fit, they are “too tight”. Well either way they better start having safer sex and be willing to open up about the “Down-Low Factor” or they will continue to be the largest group suffering from HIV (percentage wise, within their community).

    Comment? What do you think?

  7. OK, maybe this is a stupid question…
    How do they know who voted for what? ie, how do they know 70% of black voters voted yes? My ballot didn’t have a race/gender/age question. Is this a guesstimate? It confuses me.

  8. As a straight guy who is very excited about the Obama win and who is also very much in favor of equal marriage and other rights for the gay community, I’d like to reassure gay men and women everywhere that you aren’t alone in this. The march of history favors the expansion of rights, and this country is moving in the same direction on gay marriage that it was moving when interracial marriage bans were made illegal. The civil rights movement for African-Americans maved ahead in fits and starts, suffering reverses before ultimate victory was achieved. I think that perspective may help in seeing the Prop 8 vote as a significant, yet temporary, setback that will not stop progress on this issue.

  9. I’m a straight male who is in favor of gay rights.

    However, I’m appalled and disgusted at the vitriol, prejudice, and hate being directed by gay activists toward the Mormon church. The Mormons exercised their first amendment rights. They won this vote, we lost. This happens in America.

    Why aren’t gay activists sending envelopes with white powder to mosques or buring Korans instead of the Book of Morman. One reason: the Mormons are already a malgined religion so they are easy to pick on. Some of the comments on this board are chillingly intolerant. Some of you seem to be advocating making a Matthew Shephard like example out of a Mormon. The people disappointed by the outcome of the Prop 8 measure need avoid becoming radical bigots.

    Remember MLK and Gandhi? Non-violent protest is the way to assert equality, not violence and hate.

    Peace, love, and patience.

  10. For PINTS, some things to consider about vaginal intercourse from someone who has also dealt with painful intercourse. There are a number of factors that can contribute to the quality of sensation for women. when we’re more aroused our cervix retracts creating more room. For a lot of us this requires some kind of direct stimulation to the clitoris, G spot, or other areas of pleasurable sensitivity which can vary wildly from woman to woman. I found that insisting that I get off before starting intercourse made a HUGE difference and turned a painful experience into a pleasant one.

    Since neither of you have had other partners you might not realize how varied the size and shape of both male and female sexual organs can be. Is he Cockzilla? Do you need to experiment with more shallow or gentle penetration? Sometimes people just don’t physically fit well.

    Another thing to be aware of is that pain frequently accompanies some kind of inflammatory condition, thus intercourse often hurts when you have a yeast infection or BV. Checking these things out through a medical exam could be very helpful.

    If it isn’t an issue of lack of stimulation, infection, or an extreme difference in shape, then you might look into other inflammatory conditions that can impact the vaginal tract. We have mucosal tissue lining our sinuses, intestines, bladder, vaginal tract etc., and sometimes when these tissues get inflamed in one area the other areas will also have an inflammatory response. You might have a food allergy that is causing this, systemic candida, or some other stimulus that your body is reacting to. A naturopath could handle this diagnosis better than a regular doctor, but I’d rule out the other possibilities before investigating something so complicated and life changing as these conditions.

    Good luck!

  12. Maybe PINTS is just not ready for intercourse yet. They should do everything Dan suggests. Get to know each others bodys and have fun. However, they should wait to have intercourse until she really, really wants to.

    As for the right stealing bs going on…I don’t get it.
    Does this make all those marriages non-valid? Like they didn’t happen at all?
    How can this happen?
    Is the US government going to have some kind on return fund to repay the expence of all the marriages that they decided to end?
    I’m a Canadian. I would like to invite everyone who wants to be free to pack your shit and come be a Canadian too.

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