I suppose you are going to call me an asshole once you have finished reading my letter, but I hope you have some advice for me regardless.

I am a 45-year-old heterosexual male. My last relationship lasted nearly seven years. I am currently single. I am discouraged. One of the reasons for my discouragement: I have to get too far into a relationship before I can determine if it will work out with any particular woman. An awful lot of emotion, time, and effort are required to get that first look into a woman’s panties. And this is where my problem lies. A woman can have the sweetest personality, she can be pretty and hardworking, but if her pussy isn’t bald and her “little man in the boat” doesn’t fit comfortably in my mouth, I am NOT turned on. I require a shaved pussy and a big clit.

I have asked women with whom I’ve become close to go bald. If the answer is no, there is no need to return. I respect a woman’s control over her own body, of course, but I like a big clit. She may or may not be bald, but if the clit isn’t big enough, there’s no sense in returning. I have heard women say that they were disappointed to find that a man’s dick was too small or too large, or they didn’t like that it curved to the left or right. Do I have a right to a similar preference? What do I do? Is there a way to ask about these issues before emotion, time, and effort are invested?

Call Me Asshole

Knowing that she could be disqualified due to the size of her clit, which she can do nothing about, or the presence of pubic hair, which she can do something about (but might not want to), is information a woman might want before she invests a lot of emotion, time, and effort in you, CMA. Or any emotion, time, and effort. But there’s literally no way to ask a woman to show you her clit or to verify either her “baldness” or willingness to go bald in advance of that crucial first date. Even women with six-inch clits who suffer from neck-down alopecia (credit: www.tinyurl.com/5vle95) are going to run screaming after hearing a request like that.

Don’t get me wrong, CMA: It’s a fine thing to have preferences, to be aware of them, and to be able to articulate them. And most people would prefer to be with someone whose preferences roughly jibe with their attributes. But most of us would also like to think—even if it’s not true—that our personalities are so winning that our partners would love us even if, say, our clits were tiny and our pubes towering.

So what do you do? Well, CMA, since being up-front about your very particular, deal-breaking preferences would result in your never seeing another pussy again in your life, I think you keep your mouth shut. You’re just going to have to date and invest the time. And then if you discover once you get into her pants that her clit is too small or her pussy is too hairy, CMA, just make up a nice, polite it’s-not-you-it’s-me lie. It wouldn’t be fair to leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her, when in actual fact there’s something wrong with you.

Kinky female here, age 26. For as long as I’ve been sexually active, I’ve been ridiculously turned on by guys with huge cocks. I love the way they look and feel in my hands and when they’re inside me. This isn’t to say that I’d date a guy purely on cock enormity alone; I wouldn’t. But I’m not sure what to do about my current situation: I’m dating someone now who shares my same values—he’s flamingly liberal and actually enjoys RuPaul’s Drag Race—but we don’t have the greatest sexual chemistry. Some of it’s because he’s pretty vanilla, although he’s GGG, but a lot of it is that his dick is average. Sadly. Am I wrong to want a guy with the lower half of a horse? If so, can I retrain myself to accept, and even want, an average or below-average penis?

Female Phallophiliac

You don’t say how long you’ve been dating this guy, FP.

If you’ve been fucking him for a while and you still haven’t found a groove, well, it might be best to move on. Liberalism and RuPaul’s Drag Race are nice, but they’re not enough to sustain a long-term romantic relationship.

But if you’ve been dating him a short time, FP, and there’s been some noticeable improvement on the chemistry front, you might want to stick around. Sometimes the chemistry is there and obvious from the start; sometimes chemistry kicks into gear after a few weeks or months. If you dig him—and it sounds like you do—then he’s worth the investment of a little time. As for the little dick, well…

How big is his forearm?

I’m a partnered gay man who happens to have a small cock. When I was younger, I was often embarrassed, but I have gotten used to it and I can’t change it and I know how to enjoy it now.

Among my friends, small-dick jokes are common. Not directed at me, but generic jokes and comments suggesting that guys with small dicks aren’t real men, or should always bottom, or aren’t worth dating. Stuff like that. And it has begun to make me feel much more self-conscious, especially since a couple of the guys I’ve heard making these jokes are intimately familiar with my cock. They know I’m small. It wasn’t an issue, because they initiated the sex and wanted it more than once. I had a six-month fuck-buddy relationship with one of these guys and I topped him, so I know he didn’t have an issue with my size.

So my dilemma is this: Is this just some self-esteem issue that I’ve been unaware of and need to deal with? Or should I say something, at least to the two guys I’ve had sex with? They are my closest friends and know that I struggled with my size when I was younger.

Sensitive Matters And Lessons Learned

You should definitely say something to the two ingrates you’ve had sex with, SMALL, and to anyone else who makes small-dick jokes in your presence. You don’t have to volunteer to men you haven’t fucked that you happen to have a small dick yourself. Just point out that in any group, there are going to be guys with smaller-than-average endowments and that it’s just not cool to make those guys feel bad or inadequate—particularly when studies show that the partners of men with smaller-than-average dicks report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people whose partners have larger-than-average dicks.

STRAIGHT RIGHTS WATCH: Indiana’s right-wing Republican governor signed a bill into law that strips Planned Parenthood in that state of federal funds. This is going to lead to more abortions in Indiana, not fewer, but facts don’t matter to right-wing shit-piles like Mitch “Social Issues Truce” Daniels. Now would be a good time to make a donation—even if all you can afford is a small, symbolic one—to Planned Parenthood of Indiana. Go to www.ppin.org, and click “Donate Now!” Then do everything you can to defeat the GOP in 2012.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

212 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. Mr J – I thought you had already provided him sufficient advice on how to do so. Have I misread the thread?

    Here is my thought process, and I could be wrong, I freely acknowledge it. He dates women for reasons. Becuase he does not lead with his “requirement” (and while I shall grant for purposes of discussion that it is a true need, I retain a scintilla of doubt), his reasons for dating do not entirely revolve around his speculations about their size. They have sweet personalities. They are pretty. They are hard-working. As they apparently see him more than once, I’ll grant that he is capable of appearing to be worth continued investment on their part of emotion, time and effort. These are qualities which, even when mitigated by the lack of a large you-know-what, are excellent qualities in… wait for it… friends. In fact, a true friend might be even a superiour return on the investment of all that emotion, time and effort. But do any of his dates make it into the Friend Zone? Given the way he emphasizes no need to return/point in returning, I infer that they do not. And, as he missed two or three chances to express concern for the emotion, time and effort invested by the women who date him only to find out that they never stood a chance of romance anyway, I infer that that is of no concern to him. As for how he conducts the breakups, you may be entirely correct. Even if he is perfectly sweet about it, though, I think I have enough valid inferences to think that at best he does not assist his own cause to the utmost.

    I don’t think he has to be a prince to receive genuine and helpful advice. But how helpful is it not to address that he comes off as entitled and off-putting?

  3. just donated.

    in honor of mitch. : > i hope that burns him, even just for a few seconds.

    having [total knee] surgery soon, so i’m paying for my own stuff; but maybe i can come back later and give more.

  5. @147 – Since you and your wife prefer you shaved, then by all means, shave. Hunter said he shaved to please his partners; I was pointing out that he might want to ask them what they like. Some people (me & 144 at least) prefer men with hair. If he really gets a lot of “ew, that hairy cock,” (142) it does sound like a trim is in order.

  7. Catballou@145 – you cracked me up with your “invariably get distracted” line. So true.

    And thanks for letting me know that waxing the privates hurts less than waxing legs – don’t quite see how that can be, but I take your word for it (Thanks also @101, 122, 146, for chiming in that waxing doesn’t hurt much after the first time).

  9. I remember as 17 year old back in the 70s going to see Maria Muldaur and seeing her unshaved pits. The very concept opened up a whole new world to me and I have since then enjoyed women in their natural state whenever they came along; which in the States has not been very frequently.

    Then, a few years ago I started dating a woman who had been dating on the softball team for years and she shaved her cooter. She said that all the sidebuckles who were serious about getting their pussies licked liked to shave because it heightened the sensation. That was good enough for me and I was happy to dive right in.

    I’ve often wondered about clit size, however. The only woman that I ever had a long term relationship with who I could not consistently bring to tell-the-world-to-call-me-next-week orgasm had what was, in my experience, a tiny little button of a clit. And that’s when I could find it. I always wondered whether that was the problem or whether it was something else. Probabbly the latter, but to this day I still wonder

  11. She claimed to masturbated when she was single and was otherwise relatively game, and she had orgasms with me. But, seriously, what kind of orgasm is it when you turn on the light after sex and start balancing your checkbook or fiddling with your PDA. I remember thinking, Shit, I can do better than this; I know I can. Fortunately, since we have been divorced, I have been reassured to find that I have not lost my touch after all.

  12. Are you kidding me? You could be making dick jokes and you’re wasting everyone’s life talking about your own pathetic lives and forgettable problems. No one cares about your giant clits and hairy, gross smelly bodies. DICK JOKES, MOTHERFUCKERS! Get on it.

  13. SMALL;

    How about making some friends you haven’t fucked? You of all people should know the DRAMA involved when your circle of friends consists of size-queens. I’ve got a small dick, too, well – only when it’s not happy, but still – things like this are why my circle of friends include people I work with, people I went to school with, people who I have more in common with than gonadal impulses. There is a big world of friends out there just waiting to be had … but not that way. Not all breeders judge or bite (even when you ask nicely … and that’s a good thing!).

  15. @169 – she claimed she used to masturbate when she was single? But never did in front of you, her husband? I’m a big fan, personally, of watching your partner masturbate. I do think one learns a lot about what the other person likes & doesn’t like.

  17. Thanks, Dan–

    Although, FYI, Planned Parenthood provides plenty of services to queers (like yours truly), including women and men, including lesbians and transmen, and so this is not just a straight rights watch! This is an everyone-watch-out, stand-up-for-ourselves-and-eachother kind of thing. But you know this, I know.

  18. @Erica P: When watching a male masturbate, there’s actually a THERE there: THERE IS NO QUESTION whether a man with an erection is authentically aroused.

    OTOH, when watching a female masturbate — for herself, rather than for her partner — there’s no THERE there! How can it be arousing to watch a woman’s hands on her vulva, barely vibrating? Women’s orgasms depend on what’s in her HEAD, not what’s between her legs!!!

    This has nothing to do with persons or personalities. Men are wired visually, women aren’t.

  20. @176 If you really think there’s no THERE there for a man to see when a woman masturbates for him, then you’re doing it wrong.

    I’ve not yet been with a man who hasn’t been fascinated and aroused by watching me.

  21. 176, what the hell? The fact that male arousal is super visible and female arousal is more easily faked has absolutely nothing to do with your conclusion that “men are wired visually, women aren’t,” which in no way follows logically from that statement. That’s a straight up bizarre leap of illogic.

  22. Belief. What does that mean to you? The path through life is unique to all. You must embace the beliefs you find personal and reject those that direct you away from your nature.
    Too often we, same gender interested, people feel like we are alone in our creation. You are not!!! Look outside your world and see that we are all around you. It may not be as easy to see as the color of skin but we are still in plain site.
    We are three gay men having a discussion about how we survived childhood. Being a child may not be how you see yourself but when you are feeling imprisoned in a family home there can be a feeling of hopelessness. This is your test of personal strength to grow and become who you are at the point where you can make your own decisions. Don’t forget who you are and make those around you believe you are who they think you should be to survive the expectations. If you have the opportunity to be honest then by all means stand up with pride. If not, know that many of us have gone through the same as you and you can be happy.
    It gets better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  23. CMA:
    Dating is NOT about finding the “perfect” partner. If you want to find someone who meets your every desire, you’d better be prepared to spend your whole life on a search that will ultimately end in disappointment and loneliness.

    Dating is about finding someone who likes us enough to ignore the majority of our faults, and even pretend to like the things that they find unattractive, like small clits or small dicks or body hair. In return, we do the same for them. And, if we need to, we vent our other desires through porn, fantasy, and masturbation.

    Sure, you’re entitled to your own likes and dislikes and desires. But it’s simply immature, selfish, and douchey to immeditaely write off every single person you meet because they’re not your ultimate sexual fantasy. Most people outgrow those things by, say, age 20. That you haven’t is simply sad and pathetic, and if you don’t get a wake-up call, you’ll be spending the rest of your life either alone, or in a series of brief and frustrating relationships, because no woman can stand you. Which would you prefer- a small clit, or celibacy?

    Also- voicing your “needs” on a first date (or second, or third) could very well leave you with a heel to the testicles. Sure, it might spare a woman from wasting any time on you. But, quite apart from that, it’s extremely RUDE. Not only will it scare off any small-clitted or hairy women, it will scare off ALL women. It’s kind of baffling that you don’t seem to realize this.

    So, keep dating, keep quiet, and load up on porn full of big-clitted women. While you’re at it, imagine how you’d feel if your girlfriend told you: “We have to break up, because your dick is too small and you’re too hairy. See you!” If you ultimately decide to break up with a woman for ANY physical reason, LIE ABOUT IT. When you say, “I prefer larger women”, it comes out sounding like, “I am not attracted to you at all, and there’s something wrong with you.” And it does not go over well, just like if a woman said to you, “Sorry, but your dick is just too tiny to satisfy me.” You’d be thinking about that for a while. Make something up- if you can’t think of anything, just go for a cliche like “it’s not you, it’s me”, or “it’s just not working out between us”.

    In this situation, telling the truth is simply cruel, douchey, and immature (a pattern with you, judging from your letter). Moreover, it will get you labelled as an asshole, and your ex-girlfriends may warn their friends (who might be clean-shaven, well-endowed goddesses) to stay clear of you.

  24. Another note: You compare your own desires to women being “disappointed” about dick size/shape. There is a HUGE difference between WANTING a certain quality (and being disappointed when you don’t find it), and outright REFUSING to have anything to do with anyone who lacks that quality. By comparing these two ideas, you’re just looking for a way to justify your ridiculous behavior and give yourself a free pass to continue acting like a 14-year-old boy.

    Often, people date someone who we really like, and when it comes time for sex, we find that our someone is lacking in certain areas. It’s only human to be a bit disappointed, but out of respect for the other person, we deal with it, and do NOT bring it up or otherwise indicate our disappointment. Instead, we make a judgement call- “do I like this person enough to deal with their small clit/ tiny dick/ small breasts/ man-boobs/ etc.? Or should I end this relationship now?” Most decent people will give their partners a chance, if they like each other enough, and at least give it time to figure out whether the relationship could work (see the second letter).

    However, this is NOT your policy. Your policy is to immediately ditch every single woman you ever date, no matter how much you like her, no matter how much she likes you, no matter how much chemistry you have together, no matter how attractive or smart or funny or interesting she is- all over the size of her clit.

    When you hear women talking about their “disappointment”, do any of them absolutely refuse outright to have anything to do with a man who measures less than a certain number of inches? Or are they just voicing their preferences?

    Your problem is NOT a “preference”, as you put it. It’s a refusal to accomodate others or treat them with respect.

    pre·fer/ Verb1. Like (one thing or person) better than another or others; tend to choose: “I prefer Venice to Rome”.

    You’re not saying “I prefer Venice to Rome”. You’re saying “Venice is the only place I will ever live. I won’t even consider going anywhere else, ever, no matter how nice it is. I just can’t stand to even visit any other place, even if I’ve never been there and know nothing about it. I refuse to leave Venice at all, for any reason.”

  25. @182 Raelynn– I hate to disagree since you speak so eloquently in defense of “imperfect” people who don’t meet some ridiculous standard, but you forget an important point. This man CAN’T be attracted to women who don’t meet his criteria. For him, it’s like telling a gay man to get over his immature attraction to men, to grow up, and to start liking breasts because they’re attached to a terrific person who otherwise would make a great friend. For that reason, his best bet would be to divorce sexual attraction from relationship. Since he’s unlikely to find his perfect physically endowed woman in the same place he finds his perfect woman for friendship, companionship and relationship, he needs to consider porn or sex worker for the sex and great friends for everything else. When he begins to date, that’s what he needs to be upfront about, that he’s not likely to want to pursue a sexual relationship with the woman he’s dating.

  26. I can’t decide how serious this post is but offer it up anyway:

    I shall now delight Mr J by realizing CMA’s storngest point in his favour. Please give me extra credit for this, because it is so out of my range.

    When we strip away all the distraction about size, what we have on his own testimony is a heterosexual male incapable of attaining a competent state of excitement without providing oral services first. Now I emphasize again that this is not my area of expertise, but everything I have ever read about those inclined to commerce with an opposite sex suggests that Very Few Women Get Enough of That Particular Activity. No wonder his previous woman kept him for seven years. (Of course, one could always speculate about why that relationship ended, but I don’t want to contradict myself.)

  27. @129

    You misunderstand. Those ain’t YOUR taxes. They are OUR taxes. It’s the ante you and everyone else puts into the pot so we can have this thing called society. Civilization isn’t free, and America was designed to limit the tyranny of the majority. In other words the pot pays for stuff that we don’t agree with individually (wars, electric chairs, welfare, abortions, etc.)

    Though I’m befuddled why I would need to explain this to a gay woman…

  28. Geez, Dan – can’t you see that CMA is a repressed homosexual? He is GAY…even if he doesn’t realize it.

    Don’t look at what he says he wants; look at what he doesn’t want. He is merely making up an excuse to eliminate all but the tiniest minority of women…..because he doesn’t want women.

    He doesn’t explain why he likes this, or the woman’s pleasure or even his own. He wants to suck on a woman’s clit large enough for him to sub-consciously fantasize it’s a cock.

    CMA is gay.

  29. It’s obvious that everyone who finds you a disgusting skin sack is gay or lesbian, truth B known…to you.

    “For him, it’s like telling a gay man to get over his immature attraction to men”

    No it’s not, assface mcbitchcunt. Sexual fetishes, no matter how pronounced, aren’t SEXUAL ORIENTATION…if so, identifying as heterosexual would indicate precisely what kind of things you were into…and if you, I’m getting a piss vibe.

    Back to dick jokes, you fucking lames.

    So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality!

    It’s not the size of the ship, but the motion of the ocean. However, only a fool takes a canoe out to sea (also a slam against people with large sloppy orifices that are disgusting. Yes, disgusting).

    Three male campers were stranded in the woods overnight, and took shelter in a nearby cave. They huddled together for warmth and slept. Upon waking, one said that he had a dream that someone was pulling on his dick. The other also said he had a similar dream. The third said he dreamed he was skiing.

  30. > It wouldn’t be fair to leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her, when in actual fact there’s something wrong with you.

    I imagine that receiving oral sex from a man and receiving it from a woman are, in terms of physical sensation, basically the same. Yet almost everyone has a very strong preference for one over the other. So this guy seems to me to differ from the norm in degree, rather than in kind.

  32. Dan, you cannot say that cutting federal funding to Planned Parenthood will result in more abortions. Show us some data to prove that. The only thing that results in most abortions is a pregnancy perceived as inconvenient by a careless woman. Please don’t insult our intelligence! There are free clinics in every city that provide free birth control. Abortion by the way, doesn’t make you unpregnant, it just makes you the mother of a dead baby.

  33. I feel it important to insert my 2 cents worth here… regarding shaved cock, IMHO it’s a bad idea. Unless you just shaved, and even then, it is questionable, but fucking a shaved cock is downright painful, resulting in bad bad bad whisker burn on the rim of the pussy. Incredibly off-putting, like a rim of needles piercing you. Totally painful, at least for me. The guy was so pleased with his bald cock, but i told him what his shaving efforts resulted in, and quite honestly, he was shocked, never thought of it in those terms. So guys, don’t bother shaving your cock, and while you’re at it, leave them balls alone too 🙂

  34. I thought the same about CMA as others here have suggested, that he is still in the closet. If he wants something big in his mouth, he really should try a cock, just to see if that does it for him. Otherwise, he should stop being so picky, and perhaps he should just pay for services, cuz it seems he will not find what he’s looking for in the short time we have here on this planet.

  35. I too have been told by various women that men are more visually aroused than women. It is certainly is not always be true but, from my experience, as as stereotypes go, it appears to have some foundation. I mean, I apprecaite it when a woman allows me to arrange the mirrors but I’m not disappointed if she is more bemused by my interest (vanity) than she is captivated by the show itself

  36. CMA’s letter is all kinds of strange, but not because of his stated preferences. Here’s a guy who’s clearly worried about yet expecting to be called an asshole, but who also worries about still remaining single. If his sexual preferences aren’t met, he twice says he has “no reason to return”, which is a particularly odd way of putting it. And why on earth is it taking him so long, with so much emotional investment, just to “get a look inside the panties”? That sounds like the lament of a 15 year old, rather than a 45 year old. I suspect his issues go far deeper than specific anatomical requirements.

    How hard is it to begin dating, make out a few times, and then suggest going down on her as an alternative to pushing the relationship too quickly to intercourse? Then you have an answer about potential sexual compatibility. How many women are apt to refuse that offer, or would wait months before allowing it? This seems so obvious, simple, and rapid a way for CMA to screen partners that one immediately wonders, why isn’t this happening? Did it take 7 years to find out his girlfriend’s clit size? The answer to this “why” is, it seems, the crux of CMA’s actual love life issues.

  37. I don’t think FP is wrong to want what she wants, any more than CMA is wrong to want what he wants. The only question is how that mixes with finding a happy relationship. Maybe FP would enjoy “average” or “smaller” if the guy who came with it was awesome enough, but maybe not, and that is okay.

    The hardest relationships I’ve had to end were those where the guy was really great, but simply not quite the right one for me. When things are going pretty well and you have no obvious or deep reason to break up, it can seem really selfish and stupid to end a good relationship just because you want an even better one. In a world where people struggle to find love and compatibility, it can seem silly to strive for a gold medal when you’ve got a silver one in hand. However, if the chemistry just isn’t right, and it doesn’t improve despite a good faith effort on everyone’s part, then that may be reason enough to move on. Whether it comes down to the size, or the vanilla, or some other random quality or behavior or compatibility issue, people have to trust their honest feelings. It’s fairer both to yourself and others that way.

  38. SMALL, I think your “friends” sound kind of like jerks. I’m not a big fan of humor that targets characteristics that way, but when you actually KNOW that your friend has that characteristic? The rule is pretty simple: your friend gets to take the lead in deciding whether humor on that subject is appealing. So if YOU were making the small dick jokes and they joined in, that would be okay. When they do it and you aren’t laughing? Jerks!

  39. ugggh can people stop being so uptight?

    women TEND to be more sexually stimulated by touch and men TEND to be more sexually stimulated by visual, that doesn’t mean women aren’t turned on visually or that some don’t break that trend.

    it’s not like you hear left handed people getting all upset any time someone makes a casual reference to the tendancy for right-handedness

  40. Couldn’t the dude with the bald pussy/big clit fetish look for women on a site like AFF? He could clearly state his preference and see who responds. I met my awesome bf 1 1/2 yrs ago on AFF. The reason we were on there is that our previous partners didn’t value sex the way we do. We put up profiles that expressed our preferences and we are currently having a blast.

  42. Just want to point out that not only straight/women get abortions… while certainly very important to straights and women, abortion rights are everyone’s rights. Too often reproductive rights language renders invisible the queer women or trans people or others.

  43. well, if the first guy can get her aroused enough, her clit will be bigger…only for a while 🙂
    AND as for small dicks,…let’s not forget penile enhancement tools, like the cyberskin 2″ extension…then you can have it either way you’d like..some days more, some days less

  44. well, if the first guy can get her aroused enough, her clit will be bigger…only for a while 🙂
    AND as for small dicks,…let’s not forget penile enhancement tools, like the cyberskin 2″ extension…then you can have it either way you’d like..some days more, some days less

  46. @201: AFF was my first thought too. Dan is usually so good about telling kinky people to look for other people who meet their kinks through the Internet.

  47. @ 13, read #39’s post. I’d like to add, that “yes, it DOES get ‘better'” and one day when you spend most of your time with mature, adults, you will find that most of the world does NOT tinge their humour with “an edge of cruelty.”
    Also, you may wish to take a long hard look at those with whom you keep your company. I haven’t heard a “blonde” joke for about 25 years nor do I hear “cruel” jokes. Why? Because I choose to spend my time with mature people who have more to offer the world and with that maturity comes a completely different level of humour as well. There are plenty of people who, it wouldn’t even occur to them to make a cruel joke if they know it will hurt someone else.
    That’s just life.

  48. @75 – the woman wanting a big dick stated clearly that she wouldn’t date a guy for that reason alone and and also wanted to know if it is possible to “retrain to like smaller cocks” but the man in the first letter doesn’t understand that long term relationships are based on more than just body parts. He would dump a woman with whom, by his own admission “invested time and his emotions” into simply because she doesn’t have the body parts HE has convinced himself he needs. Yes, he is a bit of an asshole and he knows it to be the case because he wouldn’t have brought it up in the first place. THAT goes out to all those folks who keep trying to say his actions “don’t make him an asshole.” Give it a rest, folks, he already KNOWS it.
    As for YOU, stop looking for things that aren’t there. To answer your question: no, it isn’t a “double standard.” It is two very different situations regardless of it being a man and a woman. In your mind, change the second letter writer to a man and THEN you will see what is obvious to the rest of the world. Or, change them both to women.
    Remember that what you focus upon multiplies so if you look for chances for the world to sell you short, it WILL.
    By the way, just so you are aware, “double standards” STILL exist and they benefit MEN 99% of the time.
    You may be too young to understand this but go take a term in “Women’s Studies” and you will then see the “double standards.”
    Yep, you got to be young to not see that to get bent out of shape because a woman says she likes a big dick but is willing to CHANGE and is more than capable of accepting her partner as he is, big dick or not, has nothing to do with self-created notions of “double standards.”
    Honey, when you go to work and make 30% less money than those of the other sex and have most of society calling you derogatory names for daring to enjoy the act of sex, THEN, you may have cause to whinge about “double standards” but until then, keep your ears and your eyes open and LISTEN when those who are more experienced are teaching.

  49. Letter writer #1 needs to date letter writer #3. The first man has made it clear that he doesn’t put a high priority on the emotions or feelings of others and only cares about what HE wants and it sounds like he could very well be satisfied with a man with a very small penis.
    Just thought I’d throw that out there. He SAYS he’s heterosexual but how does he know he wouldn’t like a small dick if he hasn’t tried it? Ok, ok…
    Fetishes arise, most of the time in males more than women, when usually a traumatic or “life imprinting” event happens around the same time or during a sexual awakening to a person in their pre-pubescent years. The memory of this event becomes internalised and unless the person attempts to work through whatever issues he has experienced to cause the fetish, he will then spend the rest of his life “accepting” that he has to “live with it.”
    Often, most fetishes are so common that it doesn’t cause a problem for the person who experiences them but sometimes, as in the case of this man, they can be detrimental and a block to creating a long term relationship with another.
    He needs to speak to a therapist who specialises in sexual issues and work through it and he would be much more comfortable with himself.
    Right now, he’s just creating problems that don’t need to be there.
    There is so much fear attached to fetishes such as these that something as enriching to life as sex can be ruined or made so difficult as to create other imagined problems.
    He doesn’t “need” a big clit anymore than he “needs” to drink or smoke or to write a sonnet or to spend an evening sitting on a mountain top. What he “needs” is food, sleep and water. So, to those who are making fetishes out to be some “grand vision” of what people need, you are incorrect in your assumption. He can work through and get over this fetish the same way anyone else can if they choose to do so.

  50. @208 – I’m glad you’ve found people who share your sense of humor. I hope you’ll forgive my laughter at the idea that one day, when I’m finally mature, I’ll see that most humor is kind and gentle.

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