I suppose you are going to call me an asshole once you have finished reading my letter, but I hope you have some advice for me regardless.
I am a 45-year-old heterosexual male. My last relationship lasted nearly seven years. I am currently single. I am discouraged. One of the reasons for my discouragement: I have to get too far into a relationship before I can determine if it will work out with any particular woman. An awful lot of emotion, time, and effort are required to get that first look into a woman’s panties. And this is where my problem lies. A woman can have the sweetest personality, she can be pretty and hardworking, but if her pussy isn’t bald and her “little man in the boat” doesn’t fit comfortably in my mouth, I am NOT turned on. I require a shaved pussy and a big clit.
I have asked women with whom I’ve become close to go bald. If the answer is no, there is no need to return. I respect a woman’s control over her own body, of course, but I like a big clit. She may or may not be bald, but if the clit isn’t big enough, there’s no sense in returning. I have heard women say that they were disappointed to find that a man’s dick was too small or too large, or they didn’t like that it curved to the left or right. Do I have a right to a similar preference? What do I do? Is there a way to ask about these issues before emotion, time, and effort are invested?
Call Me Asshole
Knowing that she could be disqualified due to the size of her clit, which she can do nothing about, or the presence of pubic hair, which she can do something about (but might not want to), is information a woman might want before she invests a lot of emotion, time, and effort in you, CMA. Or any emotion, time, and effort. But there’s literally no way to ask a woman to show you her clit or to verify either her “baldness” or willingness to go bald in advance of that crucial first date. Even women with six-inch clits who suffer from neck-down alopecia (credit: www.tinyurl.com/5vle95) are going to run screaming after hearing a request like that.
Don’t get me wrong, CMA: It’s a fine thing to have preferences, to be aware of them, and to be able to articulate them. And most people would prefer to be with someone whose preferences roughly jibe with their attributes. But most of us would also like to think—even if it’s not true—that our personalities are so winning that our partners would love us even if, say, our clits were tiny and our pubes towering.
So what do you do? Well, CMA, since being up-front about your very particular, deal-breaking preferences would result in your never seeing another pussy again in your life, I think you keep your mouth shut. You’re just going to have to date and invest the time. And then if you discover once you get into her pants that her clit is too small or her pussy is too hairy, CMA, just make up a nice, polite it’s-not-you-it’s-me lie. It wouldn’t be fair to leave her wondering what the hell is wrong with her, when in actual fact there’s something wrong with you.
Kinky female here, age 26. For as long as I’ve been sexually active, I’ve been ridiculously turned on by guys with huge cocks. I love the way they look and feel in my hands and when they’re inside me. This isn’t to say that I’d date a guy purely on cock enormity alone; I wouldn’t. But I’m not sure what to do about my current situation: I’m dating someone now who shares my same values—he’s flamingly liberal and actually enjoys RuPaul’s Drag Race—but we don’t have the greatest sexual chemistry. Some of it’s because he’s pretty vanilla, although he’s GGG, but a lot of it is that his dick is average. Sadly. Am I wrong to want a guy with the lower half of a horse? If so, can I retrain myself to accept, and even want, an average or below-average penis?
Female Phallophiliac
You don’t say how long you’ve been dating this guy, FP.
If you’ve been fucking him for a while and you still haven’t found a groove, well, it might be best to move on. Liberalism and RuPaul’s Drag Race are nice, but they’re not enough to sustain a long-term romantic relationship.
But if you’ve been dating him a short time, FP, and there’s been some noticeable improvement on the chemistry front, you might want to stick around. Sometimes the chemistry is there and obvious from the start; sometimes chemistry kicks into gear after a few weeks or months. If you dig him—and it sounds like you do—then he’s worth the investment of a little time. As for the little dick, well…
How big is his forearm?
I’m a partnered gay man who happens to have a small cock. When I was younger, I was often embarrassed, but I have gotten used to it and I can’t change it and I know how to enjoy it now.
Among my friends, small-dick jokes are common. Not directed at me, but generic jokes and comments suggesting that guys with small dicks aren’t real men, or should always bottom, or aren’t worth dating. Stuff like that. And it has begun to make me feel much more self-conscious, especially since a couple of the guys I’ve heard making these jokes are intimately familiar with my cock. They know I’m small. It wasn’t an issue, because they initiated the sex and wanted it more than once. I had a six-month fuck-buddy relationship with one of these guys and I topped him, so I know he didn’t have an issue with my size.
So my dilemma is this: Is this just some self-esteem issue that I’ve been unaware of and need to deal with? Or should I say something, at least to the two guys I’ve had sex with? They are my closest friends and know that I struggled with my size when I was younger.
Sensitive Matters And Lessons Learned
You should definitely say something to the two ingrates you’ve had sex with, SMALL, and to anyone else who makes small-dick jokes in your presence. You don’t have to volunteer to men you haven’t fucked that you happen to have a small dick yourself. Just point out that in any group, there are going to be guys with smaller-than-average endowments and that it’s just not cool to make those guys feel bad or inadequate—particularly when studies show that the partners of men with smaller-than-average dicks report higher levels of sexual satisfaction than people whose partners have larger-than-average dicks.
STRAIGHT RIGHTS WATCH: Indiana’s right-wing Republican governor signed a bill into law that strips Planned Parenthood in that state of federal funds. This is going to lead to more abortions in Indiana, not fewer, but facts don’t matter to right-wing shit-piles like Mitch “Social Issues Truce” Daniels. Now would be a good time to make a donation—even if all you can afford is a small, symbolic one—to Planned Parenthood of Indiana. Go to www.ppin.org, and click “Donate Now!” Then do everything you can to defeat the GOP in 2012.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
I agree that hair gets in the way. I shaved for awhile, until I started getting rashes/ingrown hairs. In consultation with my partner (whose more enthusiastic about going down on me when I’m shaved) we’ve compromised. I use a beard trimmer to get the whole lot down to about 5mm/fifth of an inch). This length isn’t stubbly, it’s not too long as to get in the way, it’s quick and easy to do, and the absence of a razor/wax means I get to keep my skin healthy. Win for everyone!
Kudos to you, A Williams (@1). I just sent your eloquent comment to my Congressman, who voted to defund PP here in TX (even though he’s a Democrat).
@also-small: I agree that publicly speaking up for small-dicked guys isn’t likely to do much good, but you could at least tell your tactless friend that you’ll quit topping him unless he cuts out the trash talk.
@83 – “Dating leads to marriage or it leads to breaking up”? WTF?? My guy and I have been happily dating for 5 years, with no plans to marry OR break up. Get out of your box now and then, it’s nice out here.
And finally — I know a great dick joke, but it’s too long to fit here.
Late to comment, but if anyone’s interested, the topic of clit sizes previously came up – in more detail – in this column:
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
@CMA: You’re an asshole. Good luck with your unyielding sexual preferences. Maybe you should invest in a blow-up doll with a big zipper between her legs.
@SMALL: Tell ’em to fuck off! Size isn’t important—you are.
That’s my two cents. Dan, you ROCK!
FP, I have some good news for you. When I met my OH, I’d just amicably split (moved away for uni) from a guy with a 9-inch long, 3+finger wide guy.
My OH was born with some deformities in the blader/bowel/genital area and, after spending an entire childhood having reconstructive surgery, was left with a heavily scarred, somewhat misshapen and significantly below average cock. He was also patient, open-minded, willing to experiment, a great listener and a very attentive lover. Above all else, he had a sense of humour about sex and had no ego about it.
Our first night together was only meant to be a one night stand, but 8 years later he’s still hands down the best lover I’ve ever had, and he only gets better at it.
That doesn’t mean every small guy is going to be a great lover, or that big guys aren’t good too. But don’t worry that size will unavoidably be a deal breaker. Sexual compatability between two GGG people gets better over time.
@98 Waxing makes me bleed. Trust me. Not on the edges when I get a bikini, but if I go all the way it doesn’t matter who does it, how much I pay, and how nice the fricken wax is, I will bleed. Don’t assume that those who like their hair and the benefits of having it (no chaffing, biological advantage of smelling good to men, trapping of pheremones to aid in finding compatible lovers, etc) could find another way if they just tried. Plus, when that hair grows back in IT’S PAINFUL. It sticks up and gets caught in things and it blows. So leave me and my hair alone. And the chaffing comes from bare skin being rubbed against by a penis and your lover’s nethers. Having some buffer eliminates this problem for me.
@100 vennominon
Yes, I am being kind to CMA. His way of expressing himself gives him an air of callousness. I’m willing to forgive his choice of words and address his valid questions.
My chief concern is that commenters don’t seem to allow for the possibility that a fetish constrains a person’s sexuality, and that that doesn’t make a person one-dimensional.
CMA has a hard limit. If you are straight you have a hard limit about dating those of the same sex as yourself. It makes no sense to lecture someone about all the fine qualities that people of the incompatible sex have. Be thankful that your hard limit is not something that is kept secret by social convention.
It is indeed unfortunate for those who date CMA to finally reach the level of intimacy required for him to assess his hard limit only to find out that there is no match. He wrote to Dan asking if there is a way to avoid this. We might just as well look at that plea as an effort to spare the feeling of others.
CMA — I’m divided on him. On one hand, I understand the fetish argument. You can’t control what turns you on for the most part. But would be a fetish if he said, “you know, I’m only turned on by a woman that is 5’4″ – 5″6″ DD breasts or larger with a 22″ waist or smaller. Literally, I can’t be turned on by anything other than this very specific type”? Or a woman said, “I’m only turned on by a man that is at least 6’3″, dark hair and an 8″+ cock — anything else simply won’t do”? I don’t know. To me, that’s getting dangerously close to a very shallow asshat…Sure he has the right to have such a specific ideal (and be so shallow and limiting), but that such a hard preference qualify as a fetish or just general shallowness?
I also suspect as others have mentioned that there are bigger psychological issues afoot and he’s using it as an excuse not to enter into a truly intimate relationship (or perhaps is incapable of that). If the latter, then perhaps he should stick with sex workers…
Big Dicks and Big Clits to that side of the Room and little dicks and little clits to the Opposite side of the Room, Hairy Pubes to the Rear and shaved pubes to the Middle of the Room and I’ll Sort you all out! The Human condition makes it so that we are DISSIMILAR! We all have preferences and we all have physical Characteristics that we can obsess on. I can tell you that having a GREAT BIG COCK is not all that fun either! I’ve had several situations where my partners clamped up with the thought of me driving my Mack Truck through their tiny tunnels. There are other pressing matters that we should give our time, energy and efforts to.
For those Right Winged Conservative Purist Christian GOP’ers or Christian Conservative Democrats or Islamic, Buddhist, Hindu Autocrats around the world that believe only in the union of man and woman; and that women don’t have the right to exercise Their choice; and that God only allows Heterosexual Married Sex and everything else is an ABOMINATION; WE should address them!! Everyday, minute, second of our time we should Let them know……..
That the world is Not Flat and the Sun doesn’t move around it, And there may be more to Peoples Beliefs/Religions than the Judeo-Christian Islamic construct. In-fact there are some beliefs/religions that are older than theirs. We Should let them know that some people choose to be monogamous and would love the same benefits and rights that “married” couples have, That Same Sex Unions are Real. That Sexuality should be defined as what one does to get off with sane consenting adults regardless of Gender or Kink or Sexual Perversion. That Women can be Empowered with their Sexuality and have the Right to Decide to Procreate or not too with Federal Funding. That Equality is not an Ideal to Study and Conceptualize but something that we all should work towards in this the “Greatest Country of the World”!!! Genital Differences and Hairy/Hairless Pubes really to me Not an Issue!
>>>PEOPLE, ENORMITY MEANS GREAT EVIL. It’s a useful word. Let’s keep it.<<<<
Learn the difference between connotation and denotation, and stop lecturing the rest of us.
I get the distinct feeling that even if you pass muster with CMA, genitally speaking, he’ll be a controlling, unyielding asshole in other aspects of your life together. I didn’t get that feeling at all from the “I like big cocks” woman.
YAY! My two huge favorites – Tim Minchin AND Dan Savage all in one post! Yay!
@44: Pubic hair doesn’t get in the way.
Look, I have no agenda against pubic hair – I can appreciate pussies (and armpits) both hairy and shaved.
But pussy hair absolutely does get in the way. If I have to hold your hair out of the way with my hands in order to lick your clit, that means my hands aren’t doing other fun things. And long pussy hairs inevitably end up chafing when you fuck.
@75 SavageFan, yes, the size issue is a little bit of a double standard, but not entirely. Clit size may have psychological value for some people, but unless we’re talking 3+ inches there’s little or no PHYSICAL effect on a woman’s partner. Whereas a man’s dick directly impacts how his partner feels during sex. Long or short, thick or thin, straight or curved – how the parts fit together makes a difference.
I love the way my boyfriend’s facial hair feels, especially when he goes down on me. He has a full beard, and I like my vulva to be totally hairless, because it maximizes sensation for me (waxed vagina + bearded face = oh my god yes). I also find that my “baldness” allows for greater lubrication during intercourse.
Regarding SMALL:
No way. It’s not your right to not be teased for physical attributes you can’t control. And telling them they’re hurting your feelings avoids the real issue, which is that you clearly are sensitive about the size of your cock. That’s like the guy with the bad sunburn asking everyone in the world to close their blinds so he can enjoy his tank top. It’s your job to desensitize yourself, or do something constructive with your sensitivity. Own it, girlfriend.
Make a game out of it. Confront the guys doing the joking in a public awkward way, either by loudly stating that they weren’t complaining about your small cock topping them for all those months, or by citing the study Dan refers to about smaller men having more satisfied partners. If you ACT like you’re not ashamed of your small cock, by talking about it proudly and matter of factly, you will stop FEELING ashamed of your small cock. Doing it Dan’s way just reinforces the notion that you have something to be ashamed of, and that they need to be sensitive to your “disability.”
Also, it makes you sound like a total wuss.
I’ve waxed for 8 years now, and it barely hurts at all most times (every so often, for some inexplicable reason, it does hurt, but the pain only lasts for a fraction of a second). I stay nice and smooth for several weeks before hair returns, and when it does come back, it doesn’t have that prickly, itchy quality it does if I’ve shaved. Shaving gives me razor burn and ingrown, and no matter how cleanly I’ve shaved, I get those prickly, itchy stubby hairs in two-three days.
Waxing is expensive, however, so I can’t do it more than every 5-6 weeks–by which time I look neatly trimmed, not completely bare.
As far as odor goes, I thought I would hold less fragrance without the hair, but that appears not to be the case.
And it feels wonderful: so smooth and soft. I don’t know why it makes either oral or penetrative sex–or even masturbation–better to be hairless, but it does, for me.
So ultimately, that’s who the hair removal is for: me. If a partner requested it, I’d be happy to indulge him, and if he preferred the natural, I’d think of the money I was saving and indulge him, too. But if someone *demanded* any style of hair–whether on my pubis or head–or thought that if I didn’t remove it, there was “no point in returning” to be with me, I’d be out the door damn fast.
Save some money for Planned Parenthood of Texas too! We’re about to do the same thing (and, predictably, they’re blaming the Democrats!)!
Savage Love is a great column, informative and fun to read. Thanks Dan – we should thank you more often.
@nordica: I felt the same way reading that question.
Does anyone else think he was joking when he said “How do you feel about a forearm?” I laughed out loud when I read that.
FINALLY! Jaysus Dan, FINALLY some direct action for Planned Parenthood!
@118. I’ve never had any problems with it or felt my pleasure was being compromised, nor have I received any complaints (unless a guy tells me its an issue, I’ll take it at face value and assume its not). But I have gotten all sorts of irritated when I’m bare. If you require a girl that keeps it shaved for you, that’s fine, there are plenty out there who will oblige, but I am gonna be one who does. Sorry
Excuse me. I meant say “I am NOT gonna be one who does”
@98. Maybe I have sensitive skin? I don’t know, I can only speak from my own experience, but I don’t like being shaved because it is uncomfortable for me.
As for planned parenthood, it is a great organization but why should MY tax dollars pay for it. I am so tired of everyone expecting government to take care of everything. I work hard and pay for my insurance and my co pay is more than what you feel like paying at planned parenthood. I know I am going against the grain here but I am so tired of no one taking personal responsibility. I am a gay woman but I can think and take care of myself with God’s help. Only in extreme emergency should we expect other’s tax dollars to care of our personal problems.
@104: That is what we do too, and it is a perfect solution. A “beard trim” (haha) does me for 2-3 weeks, then when it starts to grow and get kind of itchy I know its time to shave again.
Added benefit: Recycling! When my husband’s shaver becomes too worn out (motor? I dunno) for a close face-shave, it is in perfect condition for a not-so-close pelvis shave. And the timing is perfect since we’re both shaved at the same time 😉
“Stubly the razor says, ‘Only YOU can prevent thigh irritation!'”
Haha, Dan referencing a Tim Minchin Song just made my day! Bet he likes the Pope Song as well..
As for the shaving discussion, I’m there with #104 and #130: A beard trimmer leaves me smooth, but I don’t have to deal with ingrown hair or the constant itching.
I shave my lower region completely bald cause, for some odd reason, having hair down there makes me itch and feel unclean. It also makes my lower region irritated if it stays unshaved for more than a day… so I do my best to stay bald and smooth. I also have an above average clit. It is not HUGE towhere it looks like a small penis… but the size is definitely above average. You know what though? I dislike men sucking on my clit, so his little fetish would be no go. Also, if I found out he was dating me primarily for my nethers, I would dump him in a heart beat. Saying something like “I’ve been waiting for a bald, oversized clit women…” would lead to a dumping quickly. Most women can pick up when an emotional connection is fake. If I got the hint he was not truely connecting to me, I would dump him without ever romping him in bed. I wonder how many bald, oversized clit women dumped him before ever hitting him in the sack cause he was not “investing” in them emotionally?…
Will someone please tell me if something is wrong with me? (I suspect the answer is going to be yes.)
Shaving of any sort on any part of my body gives me a rash and ingrown hairs. The only exception is leg shaving, IN the direction of hair growth (which leaves prickly stubble, which makes my calves itch when I wear skinny jeans or socks that go above the ankle).
I will not bore you with the numbers of different razors, shaving techniques, and post- and between-shave lotions, salves, and concoctions I have tried.
Waxing gives me a rash and ingrown hairs. Plus I can’t afford it.
Epilation (mechanical pulling out by the roots) gives me a rash and ingrown hairs.
Nair did not work for me, and it gave me chemical burns. (And yes, I only tried it on my legs.)
Trimming makes me feel like someone is stabbing me with hundreds of tiny pins in the genitals and pubic area. Not the trimming itself, the walking around with trimmed pubes afterwards. I do NOT get used to the sensation, it only goes away until my pubes have regrown to their usual, natural length, which takes months. A little trimming, a lot of trimming, makes no difference.
I cannot afford laser hair removal. I’d get it in a second if I could. My skin is light and my body hair is dark and coarse and I fucking hate it. I don’t know whether to blame my German mother or my Slavic father, but this is definitely *somebody’s* damn fault.
And oh yeah, my pubes don’t just spring forth from my “bikini area.” They also grow on the insides and front of my thighs. Needless to say, I do not go swimming.
I’m just grateful I’m in my late 30s, so the guys I sleep with are old enough to know what pubes look like and don’t expect me to be porn-star bald. That’s about all I got going for me.
Dan – you might add the address of the governor’s mansion in your request for donations to Planned Parenthood in Indiana so people can make donations and have him notified that they are in his honor.
Mitch “Jackass” Daniels
4750 N. Meridian Street
Indianapolis, IN 46208
Regarding Dan’s answer to FP, a dick is a dick. Genitals are highly eroticized for good reason. Just because a forearm could possibly do the same job doesn’t mean she WANTS a forearm to do the same job: it’s the cock that matters. It’s symbolic.
@129: if women in need (those who cannot afford the health insurance that you can) end up needing TREATMENT rather than PREVENTION, then more of your tax dollars will go to that than would have gone to PP. The fact is, not everyone has the sort of job that gives them health insurance, and not everyone can afford it. It is ridiculous that our tax dollars should go to fund wars that most Americans don’t support, subsidies that we do not support, but somehow shouldn’t go to very basic, relatively inexpensive healthcare.
Regarding SMALL’s problem (small cock), this is a real problem not only because many men obsess about it, but also because pornography tends to feature men with HUGE cocks – not average cocks, but HUGE cocks. So it makes many guys feel like 7-8″ is average, when the average is really more like 6″. And frankly, I’d rather have a guy with 6″ and technique, who cares about my enjoyment, than a guy with 8″ and no technique who only cares about his own orgasm.
The problem with the first dude is that he acts like women have no value to him at all unless they turn him on – so even chicks who have what he’s looking for will probably run screaming from his entitled asshole attitude.
When I had an online personal ad, I listed some pretty specific physical preferences in a partner (Caucasian or Asian, within a particular height range, painfully skinny, no body hair, submissive leanings, willing to crossdress, kind of effeminate, head-hair long enough to grab) but I also made it clear that I was willing to talk to anyone interesting, whether or not it led to anything sexual/romantic.
And lo and behold, because I asked outright for what I wanted, guys who fit that description started messaging me. I also made some wonderful friends – and because these friends knew they weren’t my physical type, there was never any awkward attempt at hitting on me.
So, you can indeed ask for what you want ahead of time – online, anyway. As long as you don’t come off like a shallow, fetishizing asshole, people who fit your stated type will respond – after all, don’t we all want a partner who considers us their physical ideal?
@85/138 – yeah, yeah, we got it the first time.
But maybe you should try asking your partner if he/she wants you to shave. I bet I’m not the only one who prefers my men a little less fussy in their personal grooming.
@129: Shouldn’t tax dollars be allocated to programs that benefit our society? Isn’t that the question to ask when deciding how to spend that money? So in the case of PP, the question is “Does providing these health services at a discounted rate for those who could not otherwise afford them benefit our society?” Family planning, cancer and STI screenings? Yes, lots of people have jobs that offer health insurance, or enough money to pay for these things themselves. You appear to be one of them, as am I. However, if I lost my job tomorrow, I would not be able to afford premiums without my employer’s contribution and I would lose my insurance and my ability to pay in one fell swoop. I don’t think I’m alone in this, and in the last few years, a lot of folks have found themselves in that situation through no fault of their own. So then the choice is PP (or similar) or don’t go to the doc and hope for the best. Is that OK? For me, one of the most important things that my tax dollars can pay for is keeping our citizens healthy and productive.
@138. I don’t like it. But if your lady seeing your naked balls, glad you’ve found one another.
I like a man with his junk shaved, but he has to keep it maintained or it hurts like a son of a bitch during sex. I haven’t encountered pubic hair in so long when going down, I’m not quite sure I’d know what to do when I got to the jungle. I typically wax, but shave in a pinch. I prefer waxing to shaving for the longevity of the smoothness–I shaved this morning, and feel vaguely bristly. I don’t like shaving daily or even every other day. Waxing, however, is the best. Maybe I just like that someone else does it for me. And EricaP, it’s no where near as bad as waxing your legs. I have the ridiculously sensitive skin of a redhead, I would sometimes have minior abrasions at my old salon in MN. But I’ve found a great place here in Denver where they use a different kind of wax, and they don’t use the cloth or paper strips. All around a much better wax, with much better results.
I’ve kept it bare there for the past 10 years. I’m pretty sure I smell exactly like I’m supposed to, and I haven’t had a yeast infection in more than a decade. I maintain the bare canvas because I like it, it’s my preference.
Now, clit size is a much more interesting topic. I’m fascinated by the variety that can be observed in porn, but can’t get a good enough look at my own to determine the size. I’ve tried with the handheld mirror trick, but invariably get distracted.
@102
I find that waxing gets much easier with time–really, it only hurts the first time, and the maintenance waxing is barely even uncomfortable. To avoid ingrown hairs, gently exfoliate every day, and use an after-shave/wax skincare product–I use TendSkin. I never get ingrown hairs, and I am actually very prone to them. I’ve never been able to deal with shaving–it’s too hard on my skin, it grows in stubbly and uncomfortable, and it doesn’t last long enough. Waxing lasts for weeks, and when the hair does grow back it’s much softer than it is with shaving. I love the way it looks and feels, and so does my boyfriend.
@140 EricaP
“Fussy?” Shaving my face is a lot more fussy to do and vastly more important to Mrs. J’s enjoyment of sex. My shaving below the equator is only a matter of a minute or two a couple of times a week. I did ask her about it and she said she prefers me shaved. It also increases my enjoyment because it allows more skin contact.
Mr J – I’ve no problem with a hard limit at all. He should just lead with it. It would save him the “wasted” time, emotion and effort. And it would allow women to make informed decisions. The only drawback for him is that some women who have what he wants might choose not to date him because of the start of post 139.
For an Austenian, your being willing to forgive his choice of words is a little surprising. After all, how do we know what to make of Lucy Steele early on but by her grammar?
Now if you wanted to exhort him to treat women with a little (or perhaps not such a little) (more) kindness and consideration, as Ms Kim does, whether they fit his bill or not, you’d be on to something. As things are, he’s at best not doing himself justice and at worst digging his own grave.
Dan: I like the links that you’ve begun adding to your column. Keep it up.
I just want to make a comment in response to your most recent podcast about dating the earth.
I’m a geologist so i feel its my responsibility to tell you that your partly wrong. Carbon dating is effective but only accurate within about 15,000-20,000 years since carbon-14 only has a half life of about 5200 years. other common isotopes like potassium-40 however has a half life of 1 trillion years, making it ideal for radioactive decay dating.
Just want to let you know since there may be a little backlash for this.
@ 136 and 143, thanks for saying most of my piece. And I would only add that tax dollars that prevent unwanted pregnancies and STDs actually reduces 129’s health care premiums along with government expenditures (I’m sure the logic speaks for itself). Now @129: I am as privileged as you to have good health insurance, but during most of my reproductive years (when I was mostly concerned with NOT being reproductive), I either did not have insurance (it took me a LONG time to put myself through college and graduate school) or the insurance (which I, like you, “”worked hard” for) paid $0 towards birth control. I could only afford birth control and regular health screenings through Planned Parenthood. I did not pay “what I felt like paying” at PP – I paid on a sliding scale relative to my income. My commitment to my own health and to the prevention of an unwanted pregnancy meant walking through throngs of protesters screaming at me about how immoral I was, every fucking time I needed to refill my prescription for birth control, which could only be done in person at the hate-surrounded local PP clinic. I was so relieved when I was finally able to get those services in a private doctor’s office. Being one who has been poor to middle class to something even a little beyond, I take issue with you accusing a person who seeks health care at the place s/he can afford it lacking in “personal responsibility.”
@128 No, that happens for me too…..if I’ve shaved (and I have tried it before) I find it that it chafes a lot more and starts to feel numb really quickly. All in all, not fun. I don’t know, maybe we’re the statistical outliers here. : )
I just want to make a comment in response to your most recent podcast about dating the earth.
I’m a geologist so i feel its my responsibility to tell you that your partly wrong. Carbon dating is effective but only accurate within about 20,000 years since carbon-14 only has a half life of about 5200 years. other common isotopes like potassium-40 however has a half life of 1 billion years, making it ideal for radioactive decay dating.
Just want to let you know since there may be a little backlash for this.
@105 – thanks 🙂
@109 – your sentiment is bone-selfish but understandable. However, *reality* is that you can pay a pittance in taxes towards the most basic health care for the uninsured who use Planned Parenthood (which isn’t all, or even most of the uninsured) or you can pay higher insurance premiums when we go to the emergency room and can’t pay. You may not like it, but that’s your choice.
Believe me, if I could afford health insurance, I’d have it. Meanwhile, my desire to be responsible for my reproductive health (avoiding using your tax dollars for welfare for an unwanted baby, or treatment for an advanced case of cervical cancer), means I walk through screaming protesters to go to the doctor.
For the record, I’m a trapeze artist. Knowing that one bad injury will sideline me with no hope of paying the doctor, no livelihood and no insurance is a terrible situation, but one I’ve chosen to be a part of. Please note that Planned Parenthood does not provide any orthopedic or sports medicine services. For those, I’m on my own.
@129: A couple of hundred dollars worth of birth control to prevent an unwanted pregnancy is a tax-reliefer’s wet dream of a bargain, compared to the couple of hundred thousand it will cost to educate the kid (I don’t imagine you think we should get public education off the backs of the working class too?), or the million or so it will cost to incarcerate him (in case you actually do think that).
Shaving/not shaving… oh my. When I was 17 and a foreign highschool student in the mighty US of A, I discovered What Shaving Meant To Americans.
As in going swimming with a local 19-year-old girl : “yuck, you have (5-mm trimmed) armpit hair, luckily I have my razor, quick shave it before anybody else sees it, you’ll make everybody puke and you may get hurt !”
As in the choir teacher explaining how bad we just had been singing : “y’all sound, like, you know ? a… HAIRY leg !”
As in being asked, in a tone of vague horror, by younger teenagers who had just seen “Home Alone” : “Is that true, that, in your country, pussies are… not shaved ?!”
And then meeting the goth girl who’d confess she did not shave her legs, because this way they would never itch her boyfriend.
156 Sissoucat– I’m American and grew up in the U.S. Here’s what I’ve found Shaving Means To Americans.
I realized shaving was kind of stupid when I was 17. It was 1977. I stopped. Over the years of wearing shorts and sleeveless shirts (in a warm climate), and of changing in locker rooms where appropriate, I’ve gotten negative reactions maybe 5-6 times. It’s always been from a stranger, and the stranger has always been female. It’s been as much as a raised eyebrow or a negative expression. No one else has noticed or cared.
Everything else about my appearance is ordinary. I’m a straight female who wears jeans, dresses, bathing suits, all normal, maybe a few years out of fashion. I have an ordinary haircut, etc. The men I’ve slept with, if they have had a preference, haven’t said anything. Their attention has been on everything else having to do with a date, things like the restaurant or the movie, then later, my breasts, foreplay, sex.
I don’t doubt that you’ve heard negatives about not shaving from individuals. There’s plenty of advertising telling women that they’re not sexy if they don’t shave as well. But put it in context. Do you believe everything you’ve heard advertised? Was everything else that 19 year old friend and that choir teacher said true? Do you really care what those women think?
Go ahead and shave or don’t shave according to your preference. That would be my advice if you were asking me whether you should buy a blue shirt or a green shirt, or if you were making any other ordinary choice as to fashion, haircut, or decorating. There will always be people who disagree with you, but preferences of this nature don’t make you disgusting, and they’re not representative of the U.S. as a whole.
@148 vennominon
“I’ve no problem with a hard limit at all.”
Thank you. That’s 99% of what concerns me here.
“He should just lead with it.”
He seeks guidance from Dan on whether and how he might do this. Those are valid questions. You would answer him “yes” to the former but are silent on the latter. Should CMA meet a random woman and immediately ask about her genitals? No, perhaps the internet is a better way to go. Whatever the solution may be at least that’s where our efforts at advice should be directed.
Each time I re-read his letter I am further convinced that his wording is sufficiently vague concerning the manner in which he breaks off his liaisons as to permit any extrapolation. Here we find a Rorschach test for our commenters. You may suppose that he abruptly gets up and walks away, or you may suppose that he’s a perfect gentleman in the matter. The letter gives no detail. It only states the fact of the breakup. Let him who has never broken up with someone cast the first stone.
Consider that the letter’s total lack of sentimentality (it is clinical in tone) may merely be a stylistic choice for this particular letter and not the dating modus operandi of the LW. Not everyone is an Austenite.