I am a bi woman happily married to a straight man, and we both “participate” in hot sexy times with other women during threesomes. It’s hard to find hot 30ish bi girls where we live, but the encounters we’ve had were for the most part excellent. Everything was great until three weeks ago, when we had a miscarriage. We’d been trying for almost two years, so the recovery is not just physical but emotional for both of us.
We were only recently given the go-ahead to have sex again. We have a well-rounded sex life—kink, BDSM, toys—and both of us have said that, just for right now, we’re not looking for anything more than just us.
I went to the computer this morning to find that my husband had left his e-mail open. His inbox was filled with replies to recent queries sent to girls looking for couples to hook up with. His e-mails to these girls ask what gets them hot and when/where we can all hook up, and they state that his wife is really excited about f-ing her. I’m probably overreacting due to all the extra hormones, but he’s lying to them, and I’m not sure what he’s doing to me.
Confused & Hormonal
I’m so sorry for your loss, C&H. A miscarriage when you’re trying to conceive is an utterly heartbreaking experience. My heart goes out to you—both of you.
Two things in your letter leaped out at me: “It’s hard to find hot 30ish bi girls where we live” and “Both of us have said that, just for right now, we’re not looking for anything more than just us.” And one thing that isn’t in your letter leaped out at me: You found no evidence that your husband was planning to meet up with any of these girls alone. He isn’t cheating and wasn’t planning to. He was making very tentative, vague plans for the three of you to get together at some point in the future. And that isn’t gonna happen—that can’t happen—until you’re ready, right?
So here’s what your husband is guilty of: He is looking forward—too soon and too eagerly—to the time when you’re ready to start having threesomes again. And it looks like he was trying to dig up one of those “hard to find” hot 30ish bi girls so that when you were ready for “more than just us,” a hot 30ish bi girl would be all lined up.
Was that a shitty thing for him to do? Perhaps. But again, C&H, all you discovered was evidence that your husband was making plans for sexy times at some indefinite point in the future. And are you sure he understands that just looking is out-of-bounds? Perhaps when you said, “We’re not looking for anyone else right now,” he heard, “We’re not sleeping with anyone else right now.”
As upsetting as it was to find those e-mails, I think your husband deserves some credit for being… considerate. Your miscarriage was no doubt upsetting for him, too, C&H, but it didn’t impact his sexual interests or needs the way it impacted yours. But he didn’t push the issue. He didn’t put any pressure on you—he didn’t even bring the subject up. All he did was put some feelers out and do a little online flirting and planning. Half the fun is to plan the plan, as Mrs. Lovett once said, so he probably enjoyed those e-mail exchanges. But he didn’t tell you about them because there was no way to talk about them without making you feel pressured.
So let’s pretend that you never ran across those e-mails, C&H. Let’s imagine that six months or a year from now, you’re starting to feel the urge to have some sexy times with a hot 30ish bi girl. And you go to your husband, who has been patient and understanding, and you say, “I think I’m ready to have a threesome again.” And your loving, kinky, considerate husband replies, “Hey, that’s great. I’ve been chatting with a few hot 30ish bi girls online I thought you might like. You wanna see their pictures?”
You probably wouldn’t have said, “YOU ASSHOLE! You weren’t even supposed to be LOOKING until I said so!” I’m thinking it’s much more likely that you would’ve said something like “My husband is the best.”
I’m about to move in with my boyfriend of four years. He’s still very attracted to me, but my attraction to him has faded. I think the anxiety of finally moving in together caused something to snap. I went out for innocent drinks with a colleague and ended up back at his place. I love my boyfriend, but I’m still giddy from the hot sex with my colleague. I’m confused! Especially because I don’t feel guilty—I feel great! I have no plans to tell the BF, a man I love very much and don’t want to hurt. What do I do now?
Girl Hot Tin Roof
Unless you’re planning to put your boyfriend painlessly to sleep in the very near future, GHTR, there’s no way to avoid hurting him. You’re not really in love with him, you’re not attracted to him, and the longer you drag this relationship out, GHTR, the greater the hurt will be once you finally screw up the courage to dump him, or more likely, once he discovers the truth on his own. I would tell you to DTMFA, but you’re the MF in this scenario, not him. End it.
THE CHOICER CHALLENGE: Last week, the leader of British Columbia’s Conservative Party, John Cummins, told a radio interviewer that gay people shouldn’t be covered by the BC Human Rights Act because being gay is “a conscious choice.”
Like truthers (9/11 was an inside job!), birthers (Barack Obama was born in Kenya!), and deathers (Osama bin Laden is alive and well and living in West Hollywood!), choicers would appear to be just another group of deranged conspiracy theorists who can’t be dissuaded by science or evidence or facts. And John Cummins isn’t the only choicer out there. We have lots of choicers right here in the United States (Tony Perkins, Rick Santorum, “Stephen Colbert,” et al.).
But what if the choicers are right? What if being gay is something people consciously choose? Gee, if only there were a way for choicers to prove that they’re right and everyone else is wrong… actually, there is a way for choicers to prove that they’re right!
I hereby publicly invite—I publicly challenge—John Cummins to prove that being gay is a choice by choosing it himself.
Suck my dick, John.
I’m completely serious about this, John. You’re not my type—you’re about as far from my type as a human being without a vagina gets—but I have just as much interest as you do in seeing this gay-is-a-choice argument resolved once and for all. You name the time and the place, John, and I’ll show up with my dick and a camera crew. Then you can show the world how it’s done. You can demonstrate how this “conscious choice” is made. You can flip the switch, John, make the choice, then sink to your bony old knees and suck my dick. And after you’ve swallowed my load, John, we’ll upload the video to the internet and you’ll be a hero to other choicers everywhere.
It’s time to put your mouth where your mouth is, John. If being gay is a choice, choose it. Show us how it’s done.
Suck my dick.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
This article has been updated since its original publication.
@48 – Stephen Colbert might be the only “Republican” that Dan could convince to “choose to be gay” for a week. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
I’m really surprised the number of people who took Dan’s mention of Colbert being a choicer seriously. Stephen Colbert frequently references gay being a choice on his show when the topic comes up, but it is OBVIOUSLY part of his satire of the right, and Dan is poking fun of that here.
@39: Thank you! Why waste time arguing that being gay isn’t a choice to people who will never believe it? The thing to do is challenge the “choices don’t have to be protected” notion, which is always sort of taken as a given in this debate. Where is it written that choices don’t need protection? If you’re at a job interview, it is illegal for the interviewer to ask you if you’re married or if you have children. Getting married is a choice, as is having children, and those choices are protected as hell.
#25, I completely agree. I don’t understand why Dan is sensibly able to acknowledge that the miscarriage was a terrible experience for both of them, while simultaneously imagining that the husband’s sex life wouldn’t be affected and thus should be able to go on as regularly scheduled. As a result, Dan is ignoring some crucial details about what happened here.
#34, it’s not true that the husband is being asked not even to fantasize. The problem was not that he was watching porn with threesomes or something, the problem is that he contacted real people and spoke FOR his wife. He said his wife was actually excited about THIS person in question, when she is not, and when there’s no clear timetable on when she will be ready. Dan misses all of this. In short, the husband took on some of her agency in this matter, and singlehandedly set a timetable for resuming relations relatively soon. So HE is being the controlling spouse here, and I agree with #25 that he owes his wife and apology.
It’s also totally reasonable to expect that, in this case, the husband “sit around and twiddle his thumbs patiently” for a while. The miscarriage, which was a result of pregnancy they both wanted and created through their sexual union, was THREE WEEKS ago. And the go-ahead for sex from the doctor must have been even more recent. What’s wrong with people who, in this short a time frame, are immediately focused on the interruption of his “needs”?
@17
oh hai!
you found one.
#27, I completely agree that drinks alone with a former lover is inappropriate when you’re married. As you say, “if you guys are such good friends that you want to keep in touch, then your spouses should be hanging out with you.”
#20, who’s decided that the wife is “tightly wound”, and on what grounds? Did you decide that just because her spouse wants to have drinks with a former lover but isn’t willing to invite her along? If so, you’re wrong. Did he decide that, and you’re just taking his word for it that he was totally honest with her and that she has no reason to be worried? You’re sure his intentions were totally innocent? You’re sure he’s always been rock-solid faithful to his wife? For that matter, you’re sure you’re intentions are so pure, when you seem disappointed to have the drinks discontinued, but I don’t see you asking for a casual lunch with old flame and his wife together, since the “friendship” is so nice to rekindle? Somehow I wouldn’t blame any of this on her supposed “insecurity.”
@ 3: “Looks like we need a new acronym — MFDHA: MotherF–ker, Dump Him/Her Already. … I think it’s needed in the lexicon. Not quite as catchy, though…”
Good points.
How about JLMF. Just leave, motherfucker.
@48 – Stephen Colbert might be the only “Republican” that Dan could convince to “choose to be gay” for a week. Wouldn’t that be awesome?
I’m really surprised the number of people who took Dan’s mention of Colbert being a choicer seriously. Stephen Colbert frequently references gay being a choice on his show when the topic comes up, but it is OBVIOUSLY part of his satire of the right, and Dan is poking fun of that here.
@57, he himself characterized his wife as tightly wound, and it sounds like you’re quite familiar with that state of mind!
Right, why did he call his wife “tightly wound”? And how would she feel about him describing her this way to you, a former lover, over drinks alone?
And now because I’m asking some critical questions, you insult me as tightly wound too? Okay, never mind, maybe you and her hubby really are a good match and should keep having those drinks.
@29
I think you have it right. Even if desire is innate, a fair reading of “choicers” is that people choose whether to act on their desires or not.
Clearly, the consensus here is that homosexual sex is not immoral. Among those who find it immoral, however, the more reasonable among them argue that the sin is not the desire, but acting on it.
As far as I can tell, the entire dispute is over whether homosexual sex is immoral. I see no other difference between Rick Santorum’s position on homosexual acts and Dan Savage’s notion of “gold-star” pedophiles.
The odds of a first time dick-sucker getting you, Dan Savage, multiple times dick-sucked, off, are pretty low. So I can’t imagine him swallowing your load.
@50: I’m not defending her, clearly she still HAS a sex life with her boyfriend, but I’m married to a man who is 100% perfect except that we do not have sex and he has zero attraction to me. We’ve been married two years, and he kept assuring me things would get better, but they have only petered out. Is our relationship only about sex? No. But is sex a crucial fucking factor? You betcha.
@52: Come on, Jesus. What an imagination(and what a waste of mental energy!). It’s clear that she decided to cross the line at some point, but there’s no reason to believe that the decision was made beforehand, particularly since she did say the drinks were innocent to start with. I didn’t hear her excusing herself with alcohol even a little- I would expect that people who do that would at least claim to feel a little bad. Why not believe her?
GHTR needs to dump her boyfriend sooner rather than later for both their benefits. The only alternative is facing up to their issues promptly and seriously, with professional help, in hopes that she could regain attraction to him.
@55, I completely agree. The red flag for me in C&H’s letter was that the husband was making physical plans now in these emails for threesomes- asking when and where they could meet. To me, that doesn’t say, “making plans for the hazy future when wifey is ready again”, that says, “back to business sooner rather than later”.
The most charitable explanations are that he misunderstood his wife when they discussed putting off threesomes, or that he is under the sincere yet misguided belief that hot bi sex will take her mind off the miscarriage.
I don’t know what he could be thinking, sending these emails KNOWING that his wife is NOT eager to fuck these chicks. Dan’s thesis is quite plausible, if he were only flirting and not making plans. I am a little concerned that he might try to pressure her into it, which is- say it with me, kids!- coercive sexual abuse!
I saw a lovely bit of film once: On-the-street interviews. First question: Do you believe that being gay is a choice? Second question: When did you choose to be straight?
I have a tough time actually thinking the hubby really does give a damn about the miscarriage. Maybe he’s ‘grieving’ by returning to familiar fun w/o regard for where the wife is in all this? Yeah, right.
Or maybe he didn’t actually want a baby, the growing of which will surely affect other hot, bi, 30-somethings wanting to play with them?
Plenty of men take a miscarriage emotionally seriously. From her letter, I’m not getting that this guy is one of those. Dan’s being way too generous.
John Cummins is a washed-up has-been ex-federal politician who is leading a party that traditionally gets less than 1% of the vote in BC (the BC Conservatives are not linked with the federal Conservatives). He is not worth the amount of ink you just wasted on him.
My own response to those who say gay is a choice is, so what? Even if it IS a choice, it still doesn’t mean we should be discriminated against. Bisexuals, in fact, do have a choice when they pair up with the same gender, but they have as many human rights as anyone. In fact, if I had the choice, I’d still choose to be gay. So, who cares if being gay is a choice or not? It’s moot. Even those who choose to be gay, if that’s possible, deserve just as much protection as those who choose to be Christians or Mormons.
As Dan knows, people can choose to be or not to be Catholic, so if religious people get human rights protections, so do those who “choose” to be gay. Choice isn’t the issue. The argument won’t be won until that’s acknowledged. It’s not like we’ve been born with some disability that we’re all down on ourselves about. Let’s just pretend it’s a choice and say “SO WHAT” live and let live.
@ 22 I read a book once called sperm wars, and in one chapter the author presented a hypothesis that being gay is a genetic mutation. His hypothesis was that being gay started out as being Bi, which was advantageous for men and women because they became better at sex and relationships, and thus had more oppurtunites to pass thier genes, and the Bi gene along to thier offspring. His hypothesis for the gay gene was it was two much of the Bi gene. Thats the basic argument.
amanda@37, no that is definitely not my marriage, or yours, i’m happy to hear. it is, i’m afraid, a whole lot of other marriages i’ve witnessed, either in the media or in person. it would appear to be “the oprah standard,” as i’ve come to think of it. i never meant to imply that this was the monogamy HAD to be, only how a whole lot of americans seem to interpret it.
oh, and btw, @22 et al., there is so far as i know no evidence for gayness being genetic. rather, the science so far would indicate that it is something that happens in utero–basically, it’s fetal environment, not genes that determine sexual orientation.
Where is “confused & hormonal” hubby finding all of these great hot, bi 30ish girls? Been looking for 2 years now!! I don’t want sound like a ass though. You guys will be fine! You should talk to him again and again about any feelings with the miscarriage. Keep a open line!!!
@57/61 – I agree with you that scary tyler moore’s ex-lover’s wife shouldn’t be categorized as “insecure” or “tightly wound” for objecting to them repeatedly going out for drinks without her.
But I would amend your first sentence to: “Having drinks alone with a former lover is inappropriate when you’re monogamous.” My husband encourages me to have drinks and more with my lovers of the past and present.
@64 – What do you think explains your husband’s disinterest in sex? How old are you both? Has he always been this way? What do you know about his sexual history?
@74, it’s complicated. He comes from an anti-sexual family, where the belief was that sex is unloving; he has a very unusual fetish; and he’s coping with depression, managed by medication that kills what libido he’s got. The entire time we’ve been engaged and married, he has ejaculated twice. We are both in our late twenties, and I know his sexual history intimately since I was his first girlfriend and we’ve talked about this in great detail. He hasn’t always been this way, and I think without the medication issue he could have faked his way through, but at this point the very idea of sex together is unbelievably stressful for both of us. I believe that we could explore his fetish together with great success, if nothing else were complicating this. He has this underlying belief, too, that because he early chose to reject sex as a motivating factor in his relationships, he’s a better and more ethical person than those of us who think sex is important. So, it’s incredibly difficult, and it feels like a huge slog even without my emotional issues laid on top.
@17 Holy shit. So true.
@12/13:
One of my male friends (whom I’ve known for decades, entirely platonic) is not even allowed to friend me or any other woman on Facebook because of his girlfriend’s crazed jealousy. It’s absolutely bizarre. When he tried to explain it I asked him in some confusion if we’d ever had a fling that I’d forgotten about, that she would be so insecure. Nope. She’s just crazed.
@64/75, forgive me, but he does not sound like “a man who is 100% perfect except that we do not have sex.” Your husband is ill, and sanctimonious, and more fucked up by his family than most of us. Why do you see it as your lot in life to be married to him? Also, I’m curious whether he would let you take care of your sexual needs elsewhere, since they are so unimportant to him.
Sorry, but anyone can (and many do) give a blowjob for reasons other than liking it. Rather, we need to see the old coot on his back with a hard dick inside him, screaming while ejaculating with an erection (I can’t believe I’m writing this while eating…).
I think there is some sort of bizarre brain virus that originated in the US and has made its way into Canada. First we elect Harper, now this. It’s the apocalypse of sanity.
@3 I propose DtPSA – Dump the Poor Sod Already.
GHTR: Nothing makes a boyfriend feel “loved” more than a girl who is anxious about moving in with him, isn’t interested in him sexually but enjoys sex with her friend, and lies to him. I’m glad that she “loves him very much.” I hate to imagine what she would do to the guy who she doesn’t “love very much.”
C & H: Guys don’t accidentally leave their email accounts open if they don’t truly want their wife to read them. This is a very “guy way” of “accidentally” telling her that he misses their group activities and wants to know if she is ready to get back in the game. If he wanted to step out without her and without her knowing, he would have opened a new untraceable email account
“tightly wound”… I second the commenter above: if you think a man’s wife is keeping him on an overly-short leash, there’s a decent chance he’s done something to lose her trust (or vice versa, happens to both genders). With the infidelity rate quite high by many estimates, you have to accept when there are trust issues in a marriage, it might not just be an “insecure wife” to blame. And the feminist in me is just plain offended by that characterization!
@9,
When I read the Colbert reference, my very first thought was “Somebody is going to think he’s calling Colbert a bigot.” Congrats, you’re the somebody.
As someone has probly already mentioned, the quotation marks around Colbert’s name mean that Dan was referring to Colbert as the character he plays on his show, NOT Colbert himself.
Thus ends today’s condescending grammar lesson.
“Unless you’re planning to put your boyfriend painlessly to sleep in the very near future, GHTR, there’s no way to avoid hurting him.” Oh, Dan.
I didn’t want him to suffer…. It was the humane thing to do.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
@78: I choose to be married to him. It is a hard thing to keep choosing sometimes, but not only is marriage important to me, but my husband is worth it, in my eyes. He is the only person I have ever loved, or been in love with. I have tried before to change that, when we were broken up, and failed pretty spectacularly; I would not place bets on whether I could be successfully married or in a relationship with someone else, but I do estimate that I will not stop loving him anytime soon.
I know very well that he is struggling with his issues the best he can; the medication in particular is a very difficult thing for him, because he is dependent on it to function. We are in therapy, and I’m trying to focus on the next step rather than bring the whole thing crashing down. I have proposed opening up the relationship to him, because I’m wired such that sex does not in any way make me attached to someone; he is not ready for that, and he’s hoping we won’t need to resort to that.
This is an incredibly rough time for me and for him, and I can only respond to both our needs with compassion. Judgment and blame has only made this more difficult.
“You can’t honestly believe that drinks alone with an old lover is appropriate behavior for either a husband or a wife. That’s just tempting fate. People are weak, and repeatedly putting yourself in a position like that is dumb. If you guys are such good friends that you want to keep in touch, then your spouses should be hanging out with you.”
That’s ridiculous. Why would I want to hang out with my partner’s old fling and her spouse? I have nothing in common with them and I don’t particularly want to count the ceiling tiles at the bar all night.
If you need your spouse to be the warden of your genitals, you maybe need to see a shrink about developing some willpower.
Ugh, please save the grammer lessons for newsvine and yahoo
Thanks though, I actually didn’t remember the quotation marks until I read your comment and scrolled back up.
And no, after the very warm friendly appearances Savage has had on Colbert’s show I seriously doubted Savage was calling him a bigot or that Colbert is one.
I’m guessing that Dan mentions “Stephen Colbert” in quotes because he’s referring to the right-wing persona of Colbert in his show. Colbert’s character is definitely a choicer!
No, Dan, it’s a trap! The “Choicers” have a much higher probability of being closet cases, based on the prevalence of gay-sex scandals among their leaders (which makes sense: why would anyone not practicing sexuality as a conscious choice think that it could be a conscious choice?). You’re just providing Cummins with plausable deniability for enacting his cock-sucking desires while simultaneously ‘proving’ (not actual proof in any sense) that homosexuality is a choice (as an orientation; I maintain that they’re correct that homosexual behaviors are a conscious choice, though celibacy or fucking people to whom one isn’t attracted aren’t going to be easy for most people). While I think the “behaviors are a choice, and therefore homosexual behaviors should be banned” position is absurd, because there’s no good reason to make sex acts that don’t involve coercion, deceit, or direct force illegal, they’re not wrong in claiming that it’s possible (if extremely difficult for most people) to not have certain/all kinds of sex. Homosexuality qua desire/orientation – not a choice; homosexuality qua behaviors – a choice, though not an easy one.
Really, though, it doesn’t matter in the slightest if homosexuality is a choice in any sense, as there’s no legitimate basis to deny gay people human rights (other than living), religious or otherwise. There’s a religious basis for execution in Christianity and Islam, but not for limited rights in the absence of an execution penalty for male-male sex acts.
Again, I think all of this is absurd, but I don’t think letting the crazies dictate the discourse as one about “choice” (same losing discursive construction as the one around abortion), especially since it constitutes argument by non sequitur, is a good idea. Instead, I’m a fan of something like, “Choice is irrelevant; gay people hurt no one through their behaviors, so passing laws to ban the behaviors or marginalize the group is unethical and frankly vindictive. We are an explicitly secular state, and, as such, your religious doctrines have no place in public policy. Asshole.”
@85 – I sympathize with your painful situation. And if you ask me to stop pushing on this topic, I will. But in case my words are of any use to you… You say “We are in therapy” – if you’re not already seeing someone just for you, I recommend that, to help you figure out what is important to you in life. How old are the two of you? Do you like him (as well as loving him)? Do you like yourself? What makes you happy?
@85 Following up myself @90 – if you want to take this to email (to keep it going or shut down the conversation), you can reach me on gmail at EricaPSavage.
Drinks alone with old lovers is fraughts with danger. Remember, the conscience is the part of the human psyche that is most readily soluble in alcohol
@86 – have you been in this situation, encouraging your wife to go party with an former lover, or is it hypothetical to you? For most monogamous marriages, it’s pretty good advice to avoid tempting fate by combining impaired judgment with familiar (but off-limits) sexual vibes.
hi Dan just confused on why you had to compare people who don’t believe the official story of 9/11 to racists and homophobes, pretty lazy and not like you to make such a strange hit and run association. Is this the level of intellectual discourse now, to question a clearly false story and then be compared to jingoistic racists?
Hamish 108 @ 79 is right on. At any given moment there are dozens if not hundreds of straight men down on their knees giving head because that’s what they need to do to get by. Heck, I bet that John Cummins is so tied to his political position that he’s be happy to go down on Dan if that “proved” homosexuality was a choice.
Unfortunately, those who do not want to believe cannot be made to believe. These days, from climate change to the need to control entitlement spending, we have shown an increasing ability to jettison hard facts in favor of our dogma.
I look forward to the day when I can read the words “Life” and “Choice” and not think it’s about abortion.
Heh. I remember American Dad putting the conservative protagonist in a position in which he had to be gay to get what he wanted. He was all, “But I WANT to be gay!” and it didn’t work. It’s sad when the Fox Network is smarter than a politician.
Erica, I accept your amendment, and would say it’s not okay to be meeting old lovers privately for drinks unless you have your current lover’s permission.
Humorless, I don’t think this demand is the same thing as needing “your spouse to be the warden of your genitals”. Rather, it’s simply the way to show respect for your spouse’s feelings. Spouses should be able to socialize freely with others, and in theory should be able to remain friends with former lovers. These things aren’t okay when they come at the expense of excluding a spouse who doesn’t want to be excluded, though, or otherwise violating trust. To me, having drinks twice with a former lover, to whom you then complain that your spouse is tightly wound, is really crossing the line. I have to socialize with many married male colleagues at work, and I make a point of wanting to include their wives in social activities when possible, just like I enjoy including my spouse and sharing my social life with him. Something is wrong when that’s not happening and the spouse dislikes it.
GHTR who cheated on her bf is just a psycho, though. That goes WAY beyond. I hope for his sake that she moves along. How can you even consider moving in with someone you’re blithely cheating on and aren’t even attracted to anymore? Sociopath, maybe?
You know Dan, someday the choicer choice is going to bite you in the ass, and you’re going to find some closet-case gaybasher of a politician on the end of your cock.
And the very next day, they’ll be telling the world about how being gay is this Evil Addiction That Must Be Stopped, just look at how that temptation has led *them* down the road to hell, wocka wocka, and they’ll be spouting how being gay is a choice, and, well, infinite loop: n. See: loop, infinite.
Personally, I’d stick with “So is being Christian.” Religious rights are equally protected under the law, in spite of the fact that you can change religions as often and as blithely as you change socks, and still have every legal protection for it.
@75 So, it’s incredibly difficult, and it feels like a huge slog even without my emotional issues laid on top.
Um, is he your husband, child or patient? I’m having as hard a time swallowing the “innocence” of drinks alone with ex-lovers as I am the line about “not making personal relationships about sex” as a higher moral calling of ascetic and selfless self-denial. I think he’s sold you a line.
However, even if that’s a deeply uncharitable and wrong reading of your post, I’d still like you to consider: marriage is not a suicide pact (metaphorical or literal). EricaP is quite right that you should be able to have someone to talk to just for yourself. Be nice to yourself too.
Hey Dan,
I think the “Choicer Challenge” you made here iswas a brilliant piece of propaganda, and I’d like to be able to directly link to it without having to instruct people on where in the article to look. Is there any way you could provide a link that gets directly to that portion of the text; it seems like something that would be fantastic if it went viral.
I know that Americans are profoundly ignorant about politics north of the border but one would hope that living in Washington State might make you wiser. The Conservative Party in British Columbia most likely consists of one man. The Conservatives hold no seats in the provincial legislature and are unlikely ever to do so. The parties that count in British Columbia are the Liberal Party and the New Democratic Party, both of which have gays in their memberships.
Dan, I just don’t get your ‘suck my dick’ challenge. Any reasonable person knows that a straight guy who chose to suck you off for political reasons would not become gay. Anyone can ‘choose’ to do things they find distasteful, if it serves some other purpose. Doesn’t prove anything.
Choicers deny that some people have an innate valid same-sex orientation; by basically agreeing that gays are just people who choose to ‘perform’ gay ‘acts’, you are buying into their frame of reality.