I’m a 22-year-old FTM. I will become a legal male this summer. WOOT. Useless hole but still no pole. My friends—all straight—don’t know because I don’t feel it matters. I don’t know any other FTMs, and I really don’t care to. However, I like men. I have never had a boyfriend. I go to gay clubs, flirt, dance, and make out with other gay men. But when I am up front about being FTM, I never hear from a guy again. My question is, when do I tell a gay man I have been flirting with that I am not a bio male? I don’t want to deceive them, but I at least want a chance for them to get to know me first.
No Pole, No Go
The first thing Buck Angel—trans activist, public speaker, and porn star—wanted to say, NPNG, was congrats in advance on becoming a legal male. The second thing Buck wanted to say was that hole of yours isn’t useless.
“If he isn’t familiar with my work, maybe he should check it out,” said Buck (www.buckangel.com). “I get tremendous pleasure from my hole. Whether a transman plans on getting a penis or not, there still has to be a time that he realizes that what’s between his legs does not define who he is.”
It seems to me that time—the time you realized that you’re not defined by what’s between your legs—had to have come before you began transitioning, NPNG, otherwise you wouldn’t be transitioning. As for how the guys you’re meeting in gay bars feel about what is or isn’t between your legs, Buck has some advice for you about that, too: “If he meets a guy and tells him about himself—which is the right thing to do—and he doesn’t hear back, then that wasn’t the right guy for him.”
If you’re not having any luck with messy face-to-face meetings/make-out sessions in gay bars, Buck suggests you consider online dating.
“If he’s looking to hook up,” said Buck, “here’s a site where he can start: www.ftmlover.com. He’ll see that there are tons—and I mean TONS—of men out there who are interested in guys like us!”
But before you start meeting those guys, NPNG, Buck thinks—and I agree—that you have to become more comfortable in your own skin. “Be proud of your body,” said Buck. “When you feel confident that you are a man, no one can tell you otherwise.”
And do you know what might help you feel more confident? Getting to know some other trans guys.
“There are many reasons that someone might isolate themselves from other trans and gay people,” said Ezra Goetzen, a mental health therapist and trans community activist. “Some folks identify as male-to-male, seeing their transition as a medical procedure rather than a path to a transgender identity. Others, due to the fabulously flattering cultural/media images of trans people in general, internalize the shame, indifference, and disgust—and they don’t want to be reminded of these feelings by hanging out with other trans people.”
Whatever your particular reason for avoiding transmen, NPNG, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
“Being isolated from other trans folks leaves little room to find support and role models for loving yourself,” said Goetzen. “And it makes getting invaluable tips on how to get laid safely and carefully harder.”
Getting married soon. We want to put a note in the invitation requesting donations to organizations fighting for marriage equality in lieu of gifts. Which organization is fighting the hardest/most effectively in your view?
Gonna Get Married
Freedom to Marry (www.freedomtomarry.org), National Center for Lesbian Rights (www.nclrights.org), and GetEQUAL (www.getequal.org)—and thanks and congrats, GGM!
I’m wondering whether you have any thoughts on the male tendency when sharing “naughty” photos to go straight for a close-up shot of the penis. Representative Anthony Weiner’s tweeting disaster has brought to mind a number of recent cases where high-profile men—such as Brett Favre—sent other women similar shots in an apparent attempt to seduce them. However, the response I’ve heard from women to such offerings can be summed up as “Ew, yuck!” Do you have any insight on why some men think this sort of overture would work?
Totally Confused Female
Some men think this sort of overture works, TCF, because sometimes it works.
Before we get into that, I want to say a few words about Anthony Weiner: Nothing the gentleman from New York said last week made him sound like a man who hasn’t taken a picture of his cock at some point and sent it to someone for some reason. Nevertheless, I’m confident that Weiner is going to beat this thing.
Watching Weinergate unfold is like watching the voters-getting-over-politicians-who’ve-smoked-pot story play out all over again, only this time at warp speed and with sexting standing in for THC. With pot, we went from exposure resulting in an instantaneous resignation in 1987 (Supreme Court nominee Douglas Ginsburg) to a tacit admission being a survivable mini-scandal in 1992 (Bill “Smoked, Didn’t Inhale” Clinton) to a collective shrug in 2008 (Barack “I Got High” Obama). With dirty pol pics, we’ve gone from instant resignation in February 2011 (Representative Christopher “Craigslist Congressman” Lee) to a tacit admission looking like a survivable mini-scandal in June 2011 (Representative Anthony “Beat This Thing” Weiner). At this rate, we’ll be shrugging off the dirty pics of Rep. TBD sometime before Labor Day.
Getting back to your question, TCF: The cock-shot overture doesn’t work on most women, I’ll grant you, but guys who send cock shots aren’t interested in most women. They’re interested in the sort of women that this sort of overture works on. And the sort of men who think only with their dicks—and not all men are that sort—figure the quickest way to determine if a woman is that sort of woman is to send the cock shot. And one of the women you talked to about cock shots may have been that sort of woman, TCF, but told you, “Ew, yuck!” because it was clear from the “Ew, yuck!” look on your face that “Ew, yuck!” was what you wanted to hear.
Gentlemen: The existence of a handful of women who welcome cock shots does not give you license to send cock shots to all women. Cock shots are for women who have expressed a clear and unambiguous interest in receiving cock shots.
Speaking of Buck Angel: Documentary filmmaker Dan Hunt (Cruel & Unusual, Dangerous Living, Bear Run) has been following Buck for six years and now needs to raise $6,000 to hire an editor to help him shape his new film. Please join me in helping Hunt to finish Mr. Angel by making a donation via Kickstarter:
www.tinyurl.com/3d8wmtf.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@100 Probably a girl who says things like “I love to hang out with my friends, and I love to laugh! LoL! Want to talk about my cat for 3 hours?” Something generic that you hear all the time, and doesn’t effectively advertise anything.
I guess the photo equivalent would be girls who take photos at weird angles to conceal their fat.
These things are just annoying though, nothing women do can possibly match the creep factor that men can achieve with little effort.
wow, guys, ease up on 92
maybe they were expressing legitimate curiousity – not judgement.
Personally – for the sake of argument, if I had to choose between getting lots of smoking hot guys as a gay man and staying female and not being able to get any… I’d pick being a man.
And I rather like my gender. But I like getting laid better.
Dan’s comments about Rep. Weiner are shockingly ill-informed. Rep. Weiner preyed on young women who approached him online as political admirers, and used this admiration as a sexual weapon. He destroyed a legitimate interest in politics and responded by telling the young women that the only thing they were good for was receiving shots of his hot bod. When confronted, he showed how shameful his behavior was by repeatedly lying about it. Meanwhile, his wife was pregnant.
This man is pond scum, and Dan’s impulsive, knee-jerk defense of his actions should be condemned and retracted. Dan should apologize.
@26…As a straight female, I have to disagree about the disembodied cock shot. If the cock in question is big enough, I might decide I’d like to have some fun with it…but nothing further with the guy attached to it. 😉
WHY?,
Why is it that talented, motivated, public servants always seem to trip over their own dicks? While his career may not be over (my rep is Barney Frank), Weiner had better learn contrition.
Sigh (of exasperation).
@103 “a few years ago I started saving those unwanted cock shots guys regaled me with: then the next guy to send me a picture of a penis would get one right back. :)”
LOVE it. I think that’s about perfect. I remember once when I guy I messed around with a few times in high school got his hands on my number and out of the blue sent me a crotch shot. I just deleted the message, but I wish I’d had one to send back. That day I came up with a general rule: If I’ve never seen it, or it’s been more than a decade since I’ve seen it, you don’t send me pics unless I ask.
I’m OK with saying that most cocks are ugly as long as no one cries sexism when people say most pussies are ugly…because most of them are, really. About 1 in every 10 vaginas is aesthetically pleasing, something I’d actually enjoy looking at; the rest range from “meh” to “yikes”. Not coincidentally, an unsolicited pussy shot from a potential online date would put me off, at best.
Claims that vaginas are more attractive than penises — or that all vaginas are beautiful (but not all cocks) — seem motivated mainly by up-with-womyn politics that seek to elevate all things female, and basically make it impossible for men to express negative opinions about women’s bodies without being called sexist.
If you doubt this, think about how you’d react differently to a man writing “I was totally turned on, but then I saw her pussy and it was hideous” vs. a woman writing the same thing about a cock. One of them sounds like a sexist douche, but the other one doesn’t, right? And that’s because we’ve collectively decided that when a woman asserts that kind of opinion she’s just expressing her preferences, but when a man does, he’s acting as the enforcer for the Almighty Patriarchy.
i personally am grossed-out by unsolicited cock pictures (nothing like posting an ad on craigslist trying to sell the couch which is too big for your new apartment and getting five responses from guys who don’t want the couch but were wondering if U WANNA FUK) but can we please ease up on the “all cocks are ugly and gross” thing? this is just mean. if a bunch of guys posted that they’d never want to see a picture of a vagina because OMG ALL PUSSIES ARE GROSS AND UGLY there’d be a virtual lynch mob forming up right now…
I wonder if Weiner ever had to deal with Santorum on his cock?
I like a good cock shot…..if the cock is pretty it might work…..but I am a size queen so..
NPNG reminds me of when I first discovered Dan this time last year in the Voice. There I read about an FTM looking for guys in the gay bars. I remember thinking at the time, Hey, what about us straight guys who like tomboys or who love girls whose preference is for other girls?
Frankly, although I wouldn’t have the foggiest idea how to go about meeting an FTM, the thought has stayed in my head ever since then. Unfortunately, it appears from some of the comments that there is a prejudice against FTMs dating straight guys.
@111: Chalk it up to many years of propaganda — both feminist and, strangely, anti-feminist — to the effect that “Woman are beautiful, noble and good, whereas men are troglodytes ruled by their baser instincts.”
#64: The reason we give Democrats a bit more of a pass when it comes to private sexual matters is because they *aren’t hypocrites*. Democrats (as a rule) don’t run on the “family values”, what-other-people-do-in-their-bedrooms-concerns-the-government platform. That’s why it’s so much fun when (seemingly almost every) “family values” Republican congressman geta caught with a dick in his mouth. For the Democrats, they’re just guilty of bad judgement, stupidity, and the rest (the stuff with their wives, etc.) is none of our business, really. Republicans who do the same things are guilt of hypocrisy, as well, and that is something that *is* relevant in the public context, particularly when they are being hypocrites about something they are advocating for bringing into the public sphere in the first place.
NPNG’s friends are all straight, and yet he’s looking at clubs for guys who will take the time to get to know him? Clubs are for superficial hookups. Make some gay male friends already! Join a group, get social, make friends. Some may turn into lovers, some may be delighted to play matchmaker and introduce you to the kind of men you’re looking for.
I think you’re giving cock-shot senders too much credit for thinking. They’re sending pics of their cocks because boob and/or pussy shots would turn them on. They just don’t get it that it doesn’t turn women on. See, straight guys spend much of their lives getting women to show them our stuff. Women spend much of our lives getting men we are not interested in to keep it in their pants.
I mean, in capitalistic terms, it’s a scarcity issue.
100, the first thing I thought of to answer your question about the female equivalent to a cock shot would be a woman displaying her used tampon and saying “Look how much this thing absorbed!”
@121: LOL, that’s pretty perfect, since the proportion of guys who are turned on by that is probably comparable to the proportion of women who welcome cock shots.
#114: NPNG reminds me of when I first discovered Dan this time last year in the Voice. There I read about an FTM looking for guys in the gay bars. I remember thinking at the time, Hey, what about us straight guys who like tomboys or who love girls whose preference is for other girls?
I have no idea what lesbians have to do with anything, but let me address the first part of that. It’s really very simple: trans guys are guys, and straight guys aren’t interested in dating guys. Gay and bi guys are interested in dating guys, so FTMs go where the gay and bi guys are.
Even if a trans guy hasn’t done a single thing to alter his body, he is still a man, and would not appreciate you comparing him to a tomboy any more than you would probably want to be mistaken for a burly, hairy woman. But even aside from that, many trans men are on testosterone, so they have facial hair and chest hair and deepened voices and increased muscle bulk (and probably a large and very penis-like clitoris). Some have had “top surgery” so their chests are flat. I’m fairly sure those aren’t traits that you, as a straight guy, would be attracted to. But correct me if I’m wrong.
As a gay man who dated a FTM for several years, it’s not about the pole, it’s about the guy. Really. Hang on No Pole, No Go – you’ll find someone.
Guys who do this are partially interested, like Dan said, in girls who do genuinely like unsolicited cock pics. But probably more often, jerks send cock pics to get pics back. Even if they were unsolicited they argue you HAVE to reciprocate or else someone who likes you will think you’re NOT NICE. How many times have I read “you owe me a pic ;)”? TOO MANY.
I don’t have any experience with unsolicited cock shots (thankfully)… but on reading that letter my first thought was “because men like pussy shots so they assume you’ll like cock shots!” seriously, I love my boyfriend and I think he’s super sexy but I’m really not turned on by the idea of him sending me naked pics (so he doesn’t)… he on the other hand LOVES sexy pics, including but not limited to up-close pussy shots. one of those things I’ll never understand, but I do it ’cause I love him 🙂
Dan, I don’t think your answer to TCF was quite right. It has nothing to do with the “type” of woman but who the man is to her. Obviously straight women don’t have an “ewww” reaction to every image of a cock or we’d all be lesbians. But for women, context is everything. If a woman is already interested in a man, she might like a cock shot even if she says “ewww” to all random, anonymous cock shots. That makes it all the more important that men WAIT to be asked for a cock shot before sending one. Give one too early and you’ll be rejected by someone who otherwise might have been more receptive if only you had a little patience.
@106, the women in question were fully grown adults and had access to the information that he was married. At least one of them approached him by calling him “hot” in the comments of his YouTube video. They knew exactly what they were doing and only went public for money or their 15 minutes of fame. Weiner shouldn’t have done what he did, but no physical contact was made so there’s still a chance for him to work things out with his wife and learn from his mistakes.
Vitter did far worse by hiring prostitutes (which was both illegal and far more exploitive of women than some online flirting) and he kept his job.
http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4041/5128…
Take 2.
See the Big One crash and burn:
/4041/5128808207_21fed43fc1.jpg
#108
So is ol’ Barney stupid or a liar?
@ 123 perversecowgirl (love the name; you’re making my heart flutter), I was thinking afterward how “straight” was the wrong word. Let’s say hetero. Anyway, who is to chacterize someone? Why dismiss that notion that a hetero guy might be interest in another guy who, sexually, has a cunt?
Having never met anyone who identified themselves as FTM I have no specific experience but it seems as if we should be open minded and eschew stereotypes.
Okay the big word missing here is UNSOLICITED re dick pics. And stop comparing them to pussy shots. Guys are thinking BOOBY shots when they send them. Trust me on this.
And yes, even if chatting a bit with a girl, a dick pic is unsolicited until you’ve either already stuck it in her or she’s asked for it. If she asks for it, she is asking to confirm it meets her specifications (if she has not fucked you already) or to send it to all her friends and laugh at you. There is no other reason on earth a woman wants a dick pic. Even women who like sex, who like penises, etc. No one likes a dick pic just shot at them out of nowhere from a man whom they have not yet ridden like a texas bull for over 8 seconds.
Pssst….
Love hurts:
http://www.unmuseum.org/hindex2.jpg
My honest reaction to receiving an unsolicited dick shot: “Gross,
what an idiot”. As someone else mentioned, I imagine a sender (some sweaty troglodyte living in the basement of his parents’ house) who thinks sex begins and ends with his own dick and has never gone down on a woman in his life.
But, but, but…
Isn’t this better? (And it’s from Wikipedia so y’know it’s educational.)
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en…
Sorry Dan – I have the utmost respect for you, but you are really wrong about the cock shot.
Man take photos of their cocks for the same reason dildo manufacturers make ugly pink veined dildos – because these objects are all about turning on the MAN. Men incredibly PROUD of their little boys, and it turns them on to think women are looking at this 6 inch fetish object. It isn’t about the woman at all!
I am a totally GGG girl – but honestly, the only time I really enjoy looking at a photo of a cock is if it is an exceptionally interesting cock – 11 inches and thick as a beer can, or pierced in some unusual way, or maybe has a tattoo of a harley on it…. otherwise (sorry guys) – one dick looks like any other dick.
Finally – and this is important. We girls know how important the little guy is to men. So, we pretend to be impressed, so as not to bruise feelings. We don’t say what we are thinking (Ew – Yuck, or worse Oh Brother – Yawn!) – we coo, and tell you how beautiful it is, because we know this is your … um…. soft spot. This encourages this behavior.
But seriously, guys – unless its huge, or interestingly decorated – your cock is not interesting to us for how it looks. It looks like every other cock we’ve seen. So, stop showing us the photos and start telling us what you can do with it¬
Regarding Anthony Weiner, I enjoyed reading your response. However, the talk I’ve heard (or read) so far has ONLY been about the pictures he sent. It doesn’t mention that the woman (or women) might have asked to see a picture of his cock. And it’s also true that the woman (women) might have asked but he’s omitting that to save THEIR reputations. And let’s face it, there are women who, knowing the guy they’re chatting with is an elected official, would ask the guy to send such a picture because they know it can cause damage to the guy and his party, or help them get rich later on. I regret that life has made me so cynical, but there it is.
“has to be a time that he realizes that what’s between his legs does not define who he is.”
Shouldn’t all transpeople understand this before you start, you know, cutting themselves? I still find it ridiculous and upsetting that something could hate a part of their badly so much that they would cut it off instead of just coming to terms with it and accepting that that’s what they are.
This isn’t about loving who you want to love, or being who you want to be. It’s about a type of body dismorphia that we all have in certain amounts and all have to deal with to be happy.
I’m with Dan, there are women who love dick enough to appreciate a goodlooking dick pic anyday of the week with a few disclaimers, that the penis belongs to someone they are NOT related to/disgusted by/at odds with/unavaiable etc and that they know or is getting to know the owner of the dick in the pic. I never understood why so many people tried to push the idea that women are stuck on inner beauty so much that outer sexual beauty just HORRIFIES OMG us to pieces.
@133 GQbd:
Why dismiss that notion that a hetero guy might be interest in another guy who, sexually, has a cunt?
Not all trans guys have a cunt sexually. They have a cunt biologically, but they didn’t ask for it, don’t want it, and certainly don’t want anything inside it. Some trans dudes are like Buck Angel and willing to use all their holes, others are not…just something to be aware of.
I’m all about shattering gender roles and stereotypes. I think the part of this discussion that bends my brain is a guy calling himself hetero when he’s interested in other guys.
On the other hand, if people have the right to label themselves in whatever way they choose, I suppose you could date nothing but guys and still call yourself straight and everyone else would have to respect that.
Bah, I dunno. The semantics of political correctness make my head hurt. Really, my only point is that trans guys are guys, and anyone who pursues one thinking “he’s really just a butch-looking woman” is probably going to run into troubles. If you understand this, that’s awesome and more power to you! If you ever end up dating a trans dude I hope you come back and tell us all about it. 😀
It’s hilarious how general these comments are!! Each to their own: some women like genital shots, some don’t. Some men like talking, some don’t. Some men like genital shots, some don’t. Some women like talking, some don’t (I refer you to my cousin who really just wants to f*ck if you don’t believe me 😛 ). Really, all this broo-ha-ha over what?!?? Besides, one might say “eww..!!” and think “yum!!!”- who knows?? Vivre et laisser vivre!
Well, perversecowgirl, it is doubtless speculative on my part unless my SO decides to kick me out on my butt sometime before I get too grey and wrinkly.
Still, sex aside, I wondering what it would be like dating an FTM dude. I mean, guys like each other’s company so why not a date with a guy. Dinner, conversation, fishing, carpentry projects, whatever. I’ve never had a girlfriend who wanted to go hunting but maybe it would be fun to have a hunting buddy that felt comfortable cuddling up with me, and vice versa.
As for sex, well, good, caring sex is always full of emotional landmines no matter who you are with. It might be a relief to be able to honestly say “I didn’t know” rather than “Shit, will I never learn.”. I do not think that I would be squeamish about an anatomical guy it if I was so inclined but I simply do not see myself being intimate with anyone’s cock but my own (we have had a very long relationship, you understand; it would be like cheating). Besides, just cause I’m a guy doesn’t mean that the getting part is more important than the giving. I could see myself going down on some dude’s pussy with the same enthusiasm as I would a chick’s.
My query and speculation simply started with the realization that I sort of like the androgyny thing. I often see someone in public and wonder, Is that a chick or a dude? Then, If that’s a chick then she’s kind of cute. My speculation would never get as far as, What if it is a dude? because, even though I have obviously found that person physically attractive, I have no interest in dick. Until the last year or so it would not have occurred to me that it might be a dude with a pussy. It was when I started reading about FTMs here in Dan’s column, I couldn’t help but think, why are FTMs who want to go out with guys restricting themselves to gay guys? Am I the only hetero guy who is open to the possibility?
OK, maybe I’m unique or – more likely – delusional, but I do tend to wonder what it would be like and I have a hard time thinking that I’m the only one.
GQbd: I’m totally down with the androgyny, too. Used to be, I’d see someone I couldn’t tell was male or female and I’d think “Man, that person is hot!!! But can’t hit on them – what if they turn out to have a vagina? I’m not into that!”
Lately, though, my reaction is more like “That person is hot and I’d sex them up no matter what configuration of ‘bits’ they have.” So I guess my orientation is changing as I get older or something.
It’s all moot though ’cause I’m in a monogamous relationship. Luckily he’s a fairly passable crossdresser so I get the best of both worlds. 😀
LOL. You made me think of a Hayes Carll song
@26, ugh! Please shut up! I am a 35 year old female and size queen who is only interested in hung, hairy, uncut guys. Since that first category seems to be rather subjective, cock shots go a long way in establishing sexual compatibility. Before you write me off as a shallow asshole, I’ll note that these traits need to coexist with non-physical selling points like intelligence, good politics, similar interests, etc. My sexuality is very phallocentric, however, and penis pics are critical to my online dating experience.
@138
YES. THANK YOU.
@138 Can anyone imagine a straight guy saying “I’m not interested in boobs, they look all the same”?
Apparently it’s not unusual for officially heteresexual women to not be interested in the aesthetics of male bodies.
I find clothed, erect cock on a fit guy to be very arousing…why this straight girl loves software gay porn. 😀
But if I comment on, say, Stephen Colbert’s website that his slit is “awesome” or “hot,” even, that’s not a sexual solicitation. Dustin Ackley, on the other hand, is my age and lives in Seattle. 😉
Can anyone imagine a straight guy saying “I’m not interested in boobs, they look all the same”?
There’s a lot more variance in boobs than there is in cocks – or at least in the cocks of guys who like to send/post cock pics. I challenge anyone here to go to http://www.ratemycock.com, browse around a while, then see if they can identify which pics they’ve already seen and which ones are new.
I’ve done this. It is difficult.
Also – it’s not that we’re not interested in any penis because they tend to look the same. We’re just not clamouring for yet another picture of one from yet another random guy because they tend to look the same.
I’d much rather be turned on by a bulge than the actual full-on-flesh cock shot. It’s more of a tease that way. And I have gotten cock shots before — they don’t really do it for me. Sure, perhaps they might aid me in envisioning them being jammed up inside me, but the actual cock shot itself is… meh. But that’s just me. I want to fuck, I don’t want to beat around the bush.
I’m a 51 year old mtp (male to parthenogenesis) but I’m only attracted to eukaryotes who are female-identified but into pegging. I’ve had a really hard time finding a compatible lover in spite of craig’s list. Is there a more specific website for me?
@151 perversecowgirl
I think the same case can be made for just about any body part by itself. We humans are best at faces. Breasts, penises, etc. quickly become monotonous when viewed in isolation.
FWIW I intensely like sex with women but I am almost totally indifferent to breasts.
I’ve received a lot of cock shots from men I didn’t know. A LOT of cock shots. It seems to me that the men sending them believed they were providing me with the only information they considered important or that they expected me to feel was important. That told me a lot, and their assumption was wrong, but it wasn’t because I do or don’t like cocks. I like some cock a lot (the thick, smooth ones that more than fill the guy’s hand) and I don’t particularly like others (the extremely long ones that look like hoses). And I don’t like any that include rulers in the shot. Or beer bottles. Or anything else stuck there to provide “perspective.”
I’m actually more into the contents of a man’s head than his dick, even for a quickie, but it’s always informative to know who thinks the appearance of his penis is the most important information he has to offer me about who he is. Then, I can just delete his message.