I’m a 22-year-old FTM. I will become a legal male this summer. WOOT. Useless hole but still no pole. My friends—all straight—don’t know because I don’t feel it matters. I don’t know any other FTMs, and I really don’t care to. However, I like men. I have never had a boyfriend. I go to gay clubs, flirt, dance, and make out with other gay men. But when I am up front about being FTM, I never hear from a guy again. My question is, when do I tell a gay man I have been flirting with that I am not a bio male? I don’t want to deceive them, but I at least want a chance for them to get to know me first.
No Pole, No Go
The first thing Buck Angel—trans activist, public speaker, and porn star—wanted to say, NPNG, was congrats in advance on becoming a legal male. The second thing Buck wanted to say was that hole of yours isn’t useless.
“If he isn’t familiar with my work, maybe he should check it out,” said Buck (www.buckangel.com). “I get tremendous pleasure from my hole. Whether a transman plans on getting a penis or not, there still has to be a time that he realizes that what’s between his legs does not define who he is.”
It seems to me that time—the time you realized that you’re not defined by what’s between your legs—had to have come before you began transitioning, NPNG, otherwise you wouldn’t be transitioning. As for how the guys you’re meeting in gay bars feel about what is or isn’t between your legs, Buck has some advice for you about that, too: “If he meets a guy and tells him about himself—which is the right thing to do—and he doesn’t hear back, then that wasn’t the right guy for him.”
If you’re not having any luck with messy face-to-face meetings/make-out sessions in gay bars, Buck suggests you consider online dating.
“If he’s looking to hook up,” said Buck, “here’s a site where he can start: www.ftmlover.com. He’ll see that there are tons—and I mean TONS—of men out there who are interested in guys like us!”
But before you start meeting those guys, NPNG, Buck thinks—and I agree—that you have to become more comfortable in your own skin. “Be proud of your body,” said Buck. “When you feel confident that you are a man, no one can tell you otherwise.”
And do you know what might help you feel more confident? Getting to know some other trans guys.
“There are many reasons that someone might isolate themselves from other trans and gay people,” said Ezra Goetzen, a mental health therapist and trans community activist. “Some folks identify as male-to-male, seeing their transition as a medical procedure rather than a path to a transgender identity. Others, due to the fabulously flattering cultural/media images of trans people in general, internalize the shame, indifference, and disgust—and they don’t want to be reminded of these feelings by hanging out with other trans people.”
Whatever your particular reason for avoiding transmen, NPNG, you’re doing yourself a disservice.
“Being isolated from other trans folks leaves little room to find support and role models for loving yourself,” said Goetzen. “And it makes getting invaluable tips on how to get laid safely and carefully harder.”
Getting married soon. We want to put a note in the invitation requesting donations to organizations fighting for marriage equality in lieu of gifts. Which organization is fighting the hardest/most effectively in your view?
Gonna Get Married
Freedom to Marry (www.freedomtomarry.org), National Center for Lesbian Rights (www.nclrights.org), and GetEQUAL (www.getequal.org)—and thanks and congrats, GGM!
I’m wondering whether you have any thoughts on the male tendency when sharing “naughty” photos to go straight for a close-up shot of the penis. Representative Anthony Weiner’s tweeting disaster has brought to mind a number of recent cases where high-profile men—such as Brett Favre—sent other women similar shots in an apparent attempt to seduce them. However, the response I’ve heard from women to such offerings can be summed up as “Ew, yuck!” Do you have any insight on why some men think this sort of overture would work?
Totally Confused Female
Some men think this sort of overture works, TCF, because sometimes it works.
Before we get into that, I want to say a few words about Anthony Weiner: Nothing the gentleman from New York said last week made him sound like a man who hasn’t taken a picture of his cock at some point and sent it to someone for some reason. Nevertheless, I’m confident that Weiner is going to beat this thing.
Watching Weinergate unfold is like watching the voters-getting-over-politicians-who’ve-smoked-pot story play out all over again, only this time at warp speed and with sexting standing in for THC. With pot, we went from exposure resulting in an instantaneous resignation in 1987 (Supreme Court nominee Douglas Ginsburg) to a tacit admission being a survivable mini-scandal in 1992 (Bill “Smoked, Didn’t Inhale” Clinton) to a collective shrug in 2008 (Barack “I Got High” Obama). With dirty pol pics, we’ve gone from instant resignation in February 2011 (Representative Christopher “Craigslist Congressman” Lee) to a tacit admission looking like a survivable mini-scandal in June 2011 (Representative Anthony “Beat This Thing” Weiner). At this rate, we’ll be shrugging off the dirty pics of Rep. TBD sometime before Labor Day.
Getting back to your question, TCF: The cock-shot overture doesn’t work on most women, I’ll grant you, but guys who send cock shots aren’t interested in most women. They’re interested in the sort of women that this sort of overture works on. And the sort of men who think only with their dicks—and not all men are that sort—figure the quickest way to determine if a woman is that sort of woman is to send the cock shot. And one of the women you talked to about cock shots may have been that sort of woman, TCF, but told you, “Ew, yuck!” because it was clear from the “Ew, yuck!” look on your face that “Ew, yuck!” was what you wanted to hear.
Gentlemen: The existence of a handful of women who welcome cock shots does not give you license to send cock shots to all women. Cock shots are for women who have expressed a clear and unambiguous interest in receiving cock shots.
Speaking of Buck Angel: Documentary filmmaker Dan Hunt (Cruel & Unusual, Dangerous Living, Bear Run) has been following Buck for six years and now needs to raise $6,000 to hire an editor to help him shape his new film. Please join me in helping Hunt to finish Mr. Angel by making a donation via Kickstarter:
www.tinyurl.com/3d8wmtf.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
The the gay trans man:
Personally I agree with Buck re the hole, but for some trans guys it is going to be a strictly no-go zone. Or if you do go there, it might not be with someone you’ve just met, but only after knowing and playing with them a while. Keep your mind open but don’t feel like you *have* to do anything in particular. Not all sex is about penetration.
Trans fags are something of a new phenomena in the gay community, because for a long time you weren’t allowed to transition into being anything other that a hetero. We have a man named Lou Sullivan to thank for being a strong advocate of trans folks’ right to be flaming homos just like everyone else, and for paving the path.
Even if you’re not into kink, you might find the debate within the gay leather community following 2010 International Mr Leatherman interesting. A man named Tyler McCormick won, and it soon came out that he is in fact a trans man, a fact which was known to some (he was not hiding anything) but not all (he never made much of a big deal about it) prior to his victory. For a wide range of opinions about trans men from the gay community, google him.
Unfortunately, depending where you live, there may not have been anyone before you and you might be clearing your own path. I think the advice about being a bit more open to at least being in touch with other transguys, especially gay ones, is not bad. I am about to move to a larger more queer city than the one I’m in currently, one of the big draws being that I don’t think I’m going to have much luck dating where I am! :/
But anyway the question was about disclosure. It sounds like you are doing it right. If they aren’t interested, postponing disclosure won’t help much. But don’t do it right at first, because if they have never encountered a trans man in a context like that it won’t hurt if they are a bit invested in you before you throw then the curveball.
Oh and Patrick Califia has written about this issue very intelligently, you might be interested in him. (He also used to have an advice column called Love Taps, don’t know if it’s still going though.)
#49 beat me to it!
The the gay trans man:
Personally I agree with Buck re the hole, but for some trans guys it is going to be a strictly no-go zone. Or if you do go there, it might not be with someone you’ve just met, but only after knowing and playing with them a while. Keep your mind open but don’t feel like you *have* to do anything in particular. Not all sex is about penetration.
Trans fags are something of a new phenomena in the gay community, because for a long time you weren’t allowed to transition into being anything other that a hetero. We have a man named Lou Sullivan to thank for being a strong advocate of trans folks’ right to be flaming homos just like everyone else, and for paving the path.
Even if you’re not into kink, you might find the debate within the gay leather community following 2010 International Mr Leatherman interesting. A man named Tyler McCormick won, and it soon came out that he is in fact a trans man, a fact which was known to some (he was not hiding anything) but not all (he never made much of a big deal about it) prior to his victory. For a wide range of opinions about trans men from the gay community, google him.
Unfortunately, depending where you live, there may not have been anyone before you and you might be clearing your own path. I think the advice about being a bit more open to at least being in touch with other transguys, especially gay ones, is not bad. I am about to move to a larger more queer city than the one I’m in currently, one of the big draws being that I don’t think I’m going to have much luck dating where I am! :/
But anyway the question was about disclosure. It sounds like you are doing it right. If they aren’t interested, postponing disclosure won’t help much. But don’t do it right at first, because if they have never encountered a trans man in a context like that it won’t hurt if they are a bit invested in you before you throw then the curveball.
Oh and Patrick Califia has written about this issue very intelligently, you might be interested in him. (He also used to have an advice column called Love Taps, don’t know if it’s still going though.)
@47 Okay, good to know. Sorry for being insensitive.
@49 I agree completely, and I would like to think this is what I would have said originally, if I wasn’t in knee-jerk reaction mode.
Here’s an analogy. Imagine somebody writes to an advice columnist asking why credit card companies advertise their credit cards with spam mail, even though these offers are generally considered unappealing, and the receiver of this mail is ten thousand times more likely to be annoyed than enthralled by the mail.
The advice columnist responds by explaining that credit card companies do this because the strategy works on a few people, and sending out credit card offers is the quickest way for the credit card company to determine who is interested in their stupid credit card. He goes on to explain that it would be wrong for a credit card company to send credit card offers to people who do not express interest in receiving them. That’s all fine and dandy, but is the average credit card spammer going to care about what MOST people want? Hell no! Mr. credit card spammer will go on his merry way, sending credit card offers to everybody, hoping to snag the one person who is genuinely interested.
All I want to say is NO! Stop sending me your credit card spam mail! Nobody ever wants to see it! Please! That would be a generalization, and it would be wrong, but nothing I say will hinder the quest of those who seek out such credit cards. My whining will never stop the spam mail from happening, either.
It’s also important to note that these credit card companies would not need to spam if they had anything of genuine value to offer. Of course there are exceptions, but usually, good credit card companies advertise themselves in a less obnoxious fashion. They typically advertise their bank first, and then the bank will give you information about their credit card once you have already expressed interest in the bank.
Unfortunately, my long analogy only works if you assume that cock shot men are genuinely trying to advertise themselves. Maybe some of them are, but I suspect that most are only seeking their own sexual gratification, at the expense of others. This makes cock shots even worse than credit card scams.
“Nevertheless, I’m confident that Weiner is going to beat this thing.”
He’s going to have to. Not a lot of fem Dems lining up to beat it for him.
This makes me happy not to have a cell phone; I would not care to receive genitalia photos from a person of any gender whatsoever, and I could easily be offended by whoever it was who stated so blithely that men do care for such things.
On a positive note, I believe I saw only one commenter use the dreaded J-word, which is bad enough in and of itself, but, when it is constantly set off by the C-word, no wonder attitudes are so messed up. It would be such a blessing to see both terms retired.
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I believe Mr Mann (William, not Thomas) had a T/G MM pair dating in one of his novels. If memory serves, the disclosure came rather on the late side at an awkward time. Interesting that NPNG’s question doesn’t really get an answer; Mr Savage and the Expert Witness support telling, but don’t specify when to tell, though I suppose it possible that the advice to become more comfortable with himself may have had primacy.
It might also help if he sorts out beforehand whether he wants to be pursued for his T status. An ethnic comparison might be more apt, but I’ve known people oh high poundage in both camps – those who were happy to date Chubby Chasers or even Feeders, and those who felt almost as annoyed to be objectified in a “positive” sense as the other way around.
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I suppose it shouldn’t make a difference to the etiquette of the situation, but the donation request seems rather different if one changes the gender content of the couple.
I like cocks, and I generally don’t think they’re ugly. But I don’t particularly think that an unsolicited cock shot is likely to get me to go, “hey, a cock! I think I’ll have sex with it!”
From your column:
“Gentlemen: The existence of a handful of women who welcome cock shots does not give you license to send cock shots to all women. Cock shots are for women who have expressed a clear and unambiguous interest in receiving cock shots.”
Dan, you should have written that in BIG capital letters simply to make sure the “trolls” and dimwits who appear SOMETIMES on your threads “get it.”
Hell, it only took 6 comments in on this one for a “nervous joke” to appear.
Also, you may wish to do the same as a post on Craigslist and sign it “from a well respected sexpert.” We all know Craigslist will get you a “dick pic” even if you were simply replying to a post about buying someone’s computer desk or pick-up truck.
Yes, there are a lot of dumb men out there and yes, they DO “ruin it for the rest of ’em.”
What a bullshit waste of money that movie is! How can Dan solicit money for that when there are SO many people suffering. I love ya Dan, but the thought of this moron getting $6K for a vanity project really disgusts me.
I think y’all are COMPLETELY off-base in your analysis of the motive for sending cock shots. Sure, for some men it’s an aggressive act, and for some men it’s a masturbatory prompt, but I think the point is subtler than that.
Remember what most men get told from day one: your bodies are ugly, your penises are gross (“Put that thing away!”), your desire is disgusting, etc. Men get the sense that they’re valued for what they can do — for their POWER, in other words — but not for their bodies. And frankly many women reinforce that impression, conveying through their words and behavior that men are fundamentally disgusting and contemptible creatures, and it’s only women’s infinite patience and tolerance that enables the genders to coexist.
So I think that cock shots are a response to that, one part “Hey mommy, look at me!” and one part “You think I’m disgusting from birth? Well then, feast your eyes on just how awful I am!” (Remember too that most male-female interactions end with the female rejecting the male!)
In a weird way it reminds me of the extravagantly flamboyant displays that run through gay male culture, like drag shows and the like. It’s not just done for its own sake (the pleasure of the celebration), it’s also a deliberate fuck-you to a social framework that makes them feel like shit. “You may hate me because of who I am, but you damn well won’t ignore me.”
I was walking through a train station in London and some imbecile apparently was “blue toothing” “dick pics” to any phones in the vicinity. My initial thought wasn’t “how funny” but violation.
Dan is right in that last sentence, if no one asked for it, DON’T SEND IT.
This guy at the train station was sending pictures of his dick to any phone that had a Bluetooth connection – AND, that would have included the school children who catch the train from that very same station.
It’s offensive unless the intimate relationship is already established. It’s a douche bag move!
Representative Mark Foley, was an unmarried gay republican who was driven out of Congress in 2006 for merely sending text messages to adult men whom he knew personally.
The media and the Democrats played the story as if the Republicans were hiding an evil child molester in their midst. There were widespread calls for the Republican Speaker of the House to resign due to the “scandal” and the media played up the “scandal” for months. The talking heads universally condemned Foley and the Republicans, beating the drums all the way to an election victory.
Speaker of the House to be Pelosi and her cohorts ran against the Republican Congress by endlessly bringing up the Foley “Scandal” and calling it an example of the “culture of corruption” in the Republican Congress.
Now a MARRIED Democrat representative says to hell with the dirty texting, I am going to send unsolicited pics of my little Weiner to young ladies who I have never even met.
I am not sure the THC example Dan gave is very valid. It looks to me like pure partisan politics with a ridiculous double standard- Republican men have standards, Democrat men can do whatever the hell they want and almost nobody will care.
At least we know now what Pelosi meant when she promised to “Drain the Swamp” of Republican corruption.
@ 36 – One only needs to have a look on Craigslist to KNOW they exist in large numbers. LOL
@ 44 – You wrote: “Men can think women are into them because of some stupid formula or strategy they are using, and be oblivious to the fact that the women who respond positively to him are responding for entirely different reasons.”
You ought to post this a few times. What you’ve written is gospel there.
When I think back to my younger days and, I’m not kidding, 25 years later, realise that some fool thought I had sex with him because I’d bought into his bullshit that he was “a fighter pilot” or “doctor” and NOT because I thought he was attractive and was going to have sex with him anyway, I wish I could go back in time, and set the guy straight.
Here’s a newsflash for ALL men: Almost every woman on this planet decides whether or not she will have sex with you in the first 3 seconds of meeting you. There is nothing a man can do to “prove his worth.” That whole “proving his worth” and impressing a woman malarcky? That DOES work when a woman is interested in being your PARTNER. So, if you’ve managed to “keep up” with that, then you may have already figured out that telling a woman you are a doctor or a pilot or a spy or whatever load of bullshit you can cough up is not only LYING (which women hate and brands you not worthy at all) but it is also operating in such a sinister manner that it may just be time to call in your therapist.
That is the ugly truth, there gentleman and what burns and IS the reason why men end up creating these LIES simply to just have sex is because they KNOW most women wouldn’t sleep with them OR have them as a partner.
Here’s a better method – which unfortunately takes work on your part but hey, you would have wasted your time anyway with no gains at all – if you really want to get laid OR have a woman in your life long term:
1. Be as happy about YOUR life as you can be. people are attracted to GENUINELY happy people.
2. Stay away from cynical people. They are simply fearful and living in a negative state that will act like an abrasion against your own self.
3. Take each moment as it comes. No more “planning” on going out to “get laid.” No more bragging to your male friends about some cheap (insert derogatory word for women here) you “fucked and left.” Live your life as if each moment will never happen again. It’s easier that way anyway.
4. Learn self-respect and work on your self-esteem. Men with good self esteem and self respect DO NOT make plans and tell lies “to get a woman in bed.” They don’t need to, see?
5. Try to remember that YOU are the only one in your life who can make YOU happy. This is the toughest one for men. One will often hear men come out with such words as, “I can’t make her happy” or “I became a better person because of her.” YOU are the only person who can make you happy. YOU cannot make others happy unless they want to be influenced by you. Make yourself a “better person” because if you rely on others to do that for you, then you’ve lost more than what you’ve invested if the person dies, moves on, or just disappears for whatever other reason.
Do it for yourself.
There are other more subtle nuances I could add but the above are the biggies.
Also, stop living your life to get laid and ENJOY it and guess what? You WILL get laid.
That, my friends, is how it “works.”
By the way, women don’t want any man for his money, they want a man for what he gives out and often money is a by product of “that certain something” that even the poorest man often emits.
AND, if a woman turns you down, please try not to call her derogatory names. She turned you down because she could “feel” about you, what you verified by the use of such words.
AND, if a woman has sex with you 5 minutes after meeting you, it doesn’t make her a slut or a whore or a bitch or [insert degrading word used to describe women who enjoy sex here]. It simply makes her a woman who wanted to have sex with you at that precise moment in time. Hey, she may turn you down tomorrow.
I know I’m not writing this for most of the thread but every once in a while, there appears someone who really, really, could benefit from reading them.
Men are fed with so much crap by other men that sometimes they need to hear a reality check and one that isn’t some “opinion” of “how one wishes things were.”
@26:
Please resist the urge to issue blanket declarations on behalf of half the world’s population.
I can speak for myself.
Thanks,
A. Woman
(Warning – generalizations ahead).
Most men really are simple. They send cock shots because:
1) they think it will turn women on. Count me as one of the clueless until recently. 99% of guys wouldn’t send cock shots if they read this board first and realized a cock shot reduces the chance of sex.
2) They are thinking of you and trying to solicit sex BECAUSE their cock is hard. It is a chicken and the egg question, but the hard cock probably caused the lapse in judgment to send the cock shot in the first place.
3) I had no idea how many women thought cocks were gross. Sob….
And yes to @49
I think that there’s something getting lost in translation about the cock pics. The LW doesn’t specifically mention *unsolicited* pics. They actually mention that men who send “naughty” pics automatically pick that area to focus on.
I don’t want unsolicited pictures of some random person’s puppy, let alone their penis.
However, if someone is sending me “naughty” pics as per a prior conversation, I would expect that from them.
I may be mistaken, but nothing that I’ve seen about Anthony Wiener said anything about the pics being unsolicited. It seemed as though these were women he had chatted with regularly, thereby making it not unusual. Maybe not smart, but definitely not unusual.
The only time I’ve ever sent a woman a picture of my penis is when she asked me to, that does happen.
Regarding Rep. Weiner – can we back off with calls for his resignation? We have elections. If his constituents don’t like him, they can vote him out. Absent his posing an immediate national security threat, those outside his district should STFU about it.
I’m surprised no one seems to be challenging the notion that all straight men would love to get a close-up pussy photo. I’ve been sent a couple of these over the years and I find it stunningly uninteresting. A washed out, context-less shot of someone’s genitals? I’ll pass, thanks.
Am I seriously in the minority on this guys?
@64- rewrite history much? Foley sent x-rated IMs & emails to interns who were minors at the time.
http://blogs.abcnews.com/theblotter/2006…
“Foley Resigns Over Sexually Explicit Messages to Minors”
@66 Yeah, seems like a lot of men have really cynical opinions about what women want, they think women seek out nothing more than status.
@69 Things have gotten a bit confusing here. Weiner most likely didn’t send unsolicited pics, but Dan’s response to the question makes it sound like Dan believes sending cock shots is a perfectly viable strategy for meeting women.
I’m also confused because Dan says cock shots are the fastest way of figuring out if a woman is the right type, but he also says you shouldn’t send cock shots without permission. If you already have permission, that makes the cock shot test unnecessary, does it not?
Re: GGM – Not GLAAD, Dan? 😛
@15: Ah hahahahahaha! What? By “the sort of women that this sort of overture works on”, Dan, claerly and explicitly, means “the sort of women sending cock shots [“this sort of overture”] works on”. What you’re saying is that getting cock shots is not something ALL women who are into getting cock shots are into, which is self-contradicting. I agree that not all women who are proudly sexual are into cock shots, but all women who are into cock shots are obviously into cock shots, by definition. What the fuck are you talking about?
@21: Way to essentialize and universalize gender stereotypes, biggie!
@26: Ahahahahahaha! What is with all of you and universalizing your own personal perspectives? I think you’re correct that more women that not are going to feel harassed instead of titillated when they get close-up pictures of male genitals, but anyone who reads Savage Love and/or listens to the podcast should know how varied sexuality can be and realize how absurd universalized statements about the sexuality of a particular gender is. Is there something wrong with the statement “I, as well as everyone I’ve talked to about it, would not appreciate pictures of penises being sent to me”?
@68 “Most men really are simple.”
Just.Stop.Please.
To Trans Man-
First, I applaud and admire your courage and how far you are willing to go in order to be true to yourself!!! And as you obviously noticed yourself, what defines your identity is the body part you have between your ears, not the one between the legs, so stop worrying about it.
There are a lot of insecurities among straight people, let alone members of the trans camp. Some of those who have them deal with it by belittling others and their unique situations, so accept it as a fact but don’t let it get to you. And be aware of your own doing by avoiding doing this to others (I suspect your reluctance to meet other trannys may have something to do with it, and truly hope I’m wrong).
Last but not least… Your situation seems to be extremely similar to a person whose story was published few weeks ago in the “Modern Love” section of the Sunday NY Times. So just in case it’s you, I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed reading it.
And even if it’s not you- I still wish you the best!
Someone with no pole who wants a boyfriend is a ‘girl’ not a ‘transman’.
@15 – Couldn’t have said it better myself! A cock photo is, at best, boring. Give me something suggestive, not explicit. The cock close-up screams, “I will never attempt foreplay.”
CONGRESSMAN WEINER BLIND “SUPPORT” OF ISRAEL
Comment #7 is one of the few here, if not the only one, that actually deals with Weiner’s destructive voting record, as opposed to his online self-destructive posting record.
It should be noted that there are many Israelis who feel that US monetary, military, and political “support” over the years have enabled Israel to shift to the right, resulting in actions and implementation of policies that not only are immoral and unjust, but are also risking Israel’s security and very existence in the long run.
Assuming your are a US citizen, I ask you and all other mindful readers to take action and stop this madness. Thanks!
I just saw an article about an art exhibit featuring plaster cast images of women’s vags–just all hung up in a row there on the gallery wall. Is this hot to men–I mean, crotch shot, yay!–or is it the gynecological equivalent of the unwanted cock shot?
Please advise.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
@32/Greenapples — You don’t have to love cock shots to love cock. I’m a straight woman who loves cock too — love sucking it, etc — but I’m not into cock shots in the same way I’m not into the type of porn featuring close-ups of penis ramming into vagina. Doesn’t meant I don’t love cock, or that I’m some sex negative prude.
I didn’t think sending women cock shots was about impressing women at all. Men just like the idea that a woman will be looking at his dick, so he’s pretty eager to send those photos and imagine it. Its completely self serving.
Agreed about (woman’s perspective on) the cock shot. There is a reason it’s called bumping uglies.
@74 “Dan says cock shots are the fastest way of figuring out if a woman is the right type, but he also says you shouldn’t send cock shots without permission. If you already have permission, that makes the cock shot test unnecessary, does it not?”
I was confused by that too. But I think it depends what kind of guy you are. If you’re considerate, then find out if your cock shot is wanted before you hit send. If you’re an inconsiderate jerk, looking for women who like jerks, then send to any & all women. You’ll find the few who like jerks, and you’ll have the added bonus of harassing all the other women who get your pic.
I think that men send cock shots because they assume that since they themselves would LOOOOVE a closeup shot of a woman’s genitalia, then OF COURSE she must love a close up of his!
I love a cock attached to someone I want to fuck, and I’d gladly marvel at a souvenir cock shot after I’ve fucked a guy. But a disembodied cock shot from a stranger or acquaintance is a complete turn-off, like being flashed on the subway. Any guy who leads with “hey, look, I have a cock! Interested?” is not going to get anywhere with me. There are plenty of hard cocks in the world. I can afford to be picky about what’s attached to them.
I’ve got to say, though, that Weiner’s pics were pretty hot. I can only say that because I know who the cock is attached to and I generally support his politics and life choices, to the extent that they are known to me.
I’m with #49. Golden rule, guys send cock shots because they’d love to get the same sort of thing from a woman, minus the cock part. They’ve got a hard cock and it’s doing the thinking for them, and hard cock wants to get as close as possible to wet hole, even if it’s just showing up on the owner of that wet hole’s phone.
@37 – I’m a gay man and I’ve seen a lot of erect cocks. Some, but very few, of them are actually beautiful. A lot of them really are ugly, except to their owner, and therein lies the problem. You can’t tell a guy his cock is ugly, any more than you could tell a mother her child is ugly, but it gets hard to keep pretending interest in something you find really unattractive (the cock, not the child; children can always grow out of their looks, I’ve known some unattractive children grow into very handsome and interesting adults, but an ugly cock will always be just an ugly cock).
I always thought the “penises are gross!” thing was unique to the newly initiated and the closeted.
I agree with 82. I find cock shots really jarring/unpleasant. But I like a nice one in person, assuming the person attached to it is attractive as well.
Re: “men send dick shots because they’d love to receive a vag shot”: I wondered about this a while back, and took an informal internet poll asking guys whether they’d prefer to receive a big ol’ disembodied vulva photo from a woman they were talking to, or a photo that showed the woman’s entire naked body. The answer was, overwhelmingly, that they’d want the whole body. And as a straight woman, that’s how I feel, too.
A guy’s dick is such a small part of sex. What really makes an impression on me is what a guy’s body looks like. If I’m corresponding with some dude and trying to decide if I want to fuck him, I want to see a naked pic. Doesn’t have to be fancy; just a pic of him standing there, taken from a straight-on angle so I can get a sense of his proportions and muscle tone and evaluate whether I’d be attracted to him…and imagine how that body would feel on top of me. From a practicality perspective and a turn-on perspective, a naked pic is infinitely more useful to me than a close-up of his genitals.
And guys, if you do decide to go with the cock shot as a means of soliciting sex – get it hard and photograph it from the side, preferably with a common household object next to it for comparison. This will at least tell us things about your dick. Pointing it straight at the camera is just goddamn stupid – it’s the “MySpace angle” of penis pictures.
But yeah…if I haven’t fucked you, getting a cock pic from you is like a construction worker proudly showing me that he owns a hammer: all construction workers have hammers, and all hammers look more-or-less alike, so why the fuck should I care? If we’ve already had enjoyable sex, though, then your dick becomes the specific hammer that, I dunno, built my kitchen cabinets. It has sentimental value to me because you used it, to do something awesome.
I must be totally missing something, but why would a female transform to a male (knowing there would not be a real penis) in order to become a gay “man” and search for male partners?
NPNG could have stayed female and had 90% of the male population at her disposable instead of .001% of 10% which is a liberal estimate of the population of gay males who are seeking a relationship or sex with a hormonally altered female with no penis.
@92: A brain? A healthy level of self-censorship? The right to pass judgment on another person’s very being? Take your pick.
@93 lol
“But yeah…if I haven’t fucked you, getting a cock pic from you is like a construction worker proudly showing me that he owns a hammer: all construction workers have hammers, and all hammers look more-or-less alike, so why the fuck should I care? If we’ve already had enjoyable sex, though, then your dick becomes the specific hammer that, I dunno, built my kitchen cabinets. It has sentimental value to me because you used it, to do something awesome.”
Thank you, perversecowgirl, for that analogy. You really, um . . . hit the nail on the head.
NPNG could have stayed female and had 90% of the male population at her disposable
…While feeling completely wrong in his own body and probably suffering suicidal depression because of it! Yeah, that sounds awesome.
Gymgoth, if someone told you that you could get laid as much as you wanted, but only if you got a sex change…would you do it? If your answer is no, then obviously living as a particular gender is more important to you than hooking up. And that’s how NPNG feels.
The correct answer to letter #2 is “Anything referencing gifts/gift giving does not belong in your wedding invitation. When your friends ask you or your family members what you would like, you can mention preferring donations to ……”
I remeber being on Lavalife for a couple of years; I was less interested in meeting someone than in having virtual sex, exchanging hot fantasies, etc, than I was in meeting anyone (I did, eventually, and we are still together, nearly 9 years later, but that’s another story). As a rule of thumb, anyone who sent me cock shots was immediately given the thumbs down, because I found such types would inevitably prove to be unimaginative and mentally immature.Anyone with a proper appreciation of sex knows that there’s more to sex than genitals, and throwing it in my face when I had not asked for it shows ‘disrespect”.
I have in my life found very few women who appreciate or comprehend the concept of “respect” , or appreciate its importance in keeping one safe from harm…if a man does not “respect’ a woman, he is going to feel free to “take liberties” with her, a nicely old-fashioned term that covers a range of abuses from verbal all the way up to rape and murder.
I am horrified at how many young women allow their male companions to routinely “disrespect” them these days; they will stand there and simper like idiots while the males (not “men”, note) talk about them like a piece of meat. This is not “liberation”, but DEGRADATION. I am thankful that I am not growing up a young woman in today’s world, with the levels of masculine “disrespect” for women I regularly see around me.
Oh and as for that FTM trans; it shows how much mental illness there is in the world when we have to deal with women turning themselves into “men” in order to meet men! HOW STUPID IS THAT? That WOMAN needs a good endocrinologist and a psychiatrist, not “surgery”. And people who sit around and nod approvingly at this sort of insanity are just as INSANE.
Here is my guess as a straight guy. If you disagree, fine, but no need to get offended. 70-80% of guys either wouldn’t mind or would welcome a random (attractive) pussy shot. I’m not going to wank to it, but it would brighten my day. Lots of mainstream porn with closeups of pussies to back me up on this. Of course, I would prefer a full body pic as well, but just pussy also welcome.
80% of women (whole population, not just posters here) do not like random cock shots, find them threatening, etc. There are some here that have expressed appreciation for cocks themselves, or some form of cock shots (thanks for making our genitals feel appreciated, and I mean that!), but it seems the majority don’t appreciate just cocks alone. I’m not trying to speak for all women (who can?), just guessing.
If my guess above is accurate, next question is what is the female equivalent to the (mostly) unwanted cock shot? I don’t mean shopping for drapes together, or watching some romatic comedy, unless the ladies think that most (not all, I know) guys reaaally enjoy that activity alone, and are not mainly interested in scoring points. Hey, if a lady doesn’t enjoy watching football, but is just enduring it to do something with me, I appreciate the effort, and I’d be more inclined to do something she wants that I don’t particularly enjoy. One poster suggested asking men to talk about their feelings. Maybe. Help me out here.
@92 GymGoth
Gender, genitals, and orientation are independent of one another.
what is the female equivalent to the (mostly) unwanted cock shot?
What, like…something that a woman could spring on a straight guy and he’d be like “Argh! Why?!?”?
Really, I think the closest equivalent of a cock shot that a woman could send to a straight guy is…a cock shot. Seriously. I think that a straight dude receiving an unsolicited photo of some random dude’s dick would react pretty much the same way most women do: “ARGH! WTF? I didn’t need to see that!”
The only real difference is that the straight guy would feel more confusion (i.e., there is some tenuous logic behind a guy sending a dick shot to a girl he wants to fuck, but no logic at all behind a woman sending a dick shot to him).
btw, a few years ago I started saving those unwanted cock shots guys regaled me with: then the next guy to send me a picture of a penis would get one right back. 🙂