I’m a single 24-year-old gay actor/singer/comedian who’s going to be a doctor in a few years—I have varied interests—and I think being in a porn flick would be really hot. I don’t know what the ramifications of ramming on cam could be with regard to my future career. The field I want to go into is a very specific burgeoning branch of medicine generally unrelated to sex, but still involving patient care, and I want to be on the cutting edge of this type of medicine. I don’t know how much the world of medicine pays attention to this sort of thing when checking up on prospective doctors. Thoughts?

Wants To Film Lusty
Orgasmic Lovin’

I don’t know if appearing in porn will make going into medicine more difficult, WTFLOL, but it sure can fuck up a political career.

Sigh.

You know, for a few minutes it looked like Anthony Weiner was going to beat this thing. But the prudes and hypocrites—in Congress and the media—carried the day.

Back to you, WTFLOL: Considering the amount of time and money that you’re going to invest in becoming a doctor, and considering the recent moral panic about a few stray dick pics, I would advise you to err on the side of not appearing in commercial porn, which would require you to show your face. But go ahead and show everything else on an amateur porn site like XTube—just edit out any shots that show your face and don’t let the camera linger on any distinguishing features (a distinctive tattoo that’s visible when you’re clothed, the parasitic twin that juts from your neck). And, hey, if you want to make porn, have it seen by thousands of people, not have it live forever online, and maybe win a big cash prize, you can enter HUMP!, my annual amateur porn festival. Details at www.humpseattle.com.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. A few years ago, he informed me that he was molested in high school by a teacher and was in a sexual relationship with this man until he met me. I don’t have a problem with him being bisexual, but I do have a problem with him not having a problem with his molestation. He feels it was consensual; I feel this man preyed on him. He used to drink to avoid dealing with his emotions. He stopped drinking when he met me, but this secret causes him to have panic attacks. I help heal his wounds, but what do I get in return? Not what I want. I give him love and I accept him—and he tells me that he doesn’t want kids and doesn’t want to marry me. He also hardly touches me. We’re better friends than lovers. If I leave him, he’ll have no one. If I stay, I feel alone. We have fun and make each other laugh, so it’s not all bad. But I’m pathetic, right?

Midwest Mess

I’m going to get slaughtered for this: There are people out there who have panic attacks and drinking problems, don’t want to get married or have children, are cold, distant, withholding “lovers,” etc., who weren’t molested by high-school teachers or anybody else. I’m not saying that your boyfriend’s history is unrelated to his other issues—I can’t say that—but if he doesn’t regard that relationship as the source of all his troubles, MM, you should stop insisting that he feel terrible/victimized/damaged because that’s how you think he should feel.

Are you pathetic? No, MM, you’re not. You’re in a relationship that’s not living up to your expectations, and it’s making you unhappy. Now you have a big choice and a smaller subchoice to make: Either you can adjust your expectations and stay with this guy, MM, and try to appreciate the things he brings into your life, or you can refuse to adjust your expectations and (1) be miserable in this relationship or (2) leave this guy and get out there and find someone else or die trying.

I’m a 22-year-old male with a vaginal fisting fetish. I have yet to tell my girlfriend of three years about this. First, although we’re in love, no relationship is 100 percent guaranteed, and fulfilling this particular kink would result in drastic and permanent physical changes that could ruin her for anyone else if we don’t make it. Second, I’m not sure how to ask. I can’t just say, “Hey, hon? Mind if I jam my arm in there?” Third, even if she were for it, I don’t know where to start!

Fetishist In Serious Turmoil

First, at three years, all your kink cards should be lying faceup on the table. She’s not obligated to get into fisting to please you, as you’re aware, so you’re not going to “ruin her” just by broaching the subject.

Second, you say something like “I think vaginal fisting is hot and I’m curious what you, the vagina-haver in this relationship, think about it.”

Third, I’m tempted to say, “You start by removing your watch,” but no one wears a watch anymore and all wannabe vag-fisters should start by reading Deborah Addington’s A Hand in the Bush: The Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting. “If fisting ruined one for other partners, I’d have been fucked outta luck a long time ago,” Addington said when I shared your e-mail with her. She recommends plenty of lube and lots of Kegels, if your girlfriend goes for it. “The only ‘drastic and permanent’ changes that occur are the changes of mind and body that come when one realizes how much pleasure one can have,” Addington continued. “That’s life altering. The stretched-out black hole of doom is a myth. I’m 46 and can still walk up a flight of stairs without dropping the Ben Wa Balls—and that after plenty of fisting, with more than one partner.”

Speaking of gaping orifices: Rick Santorum told CNN’s Don Lemon that he has gay friends and he loves his gay friends and they love him back. The openly gay Lemon, oddly enough, did not demand names and contact information for these gay friends.

I’d like to hear directly from the gays who love Santorum despite Santorum’s belief that gay people are no better than dog fuckers and child rapists, his promise to repeal the DADT repeal, his desire to write anti-gay bigotry into the US Constitution, his opposition to gay adoption, and his belief that consensual gay sex should be a felony. If Santorum’s gay friends love Santorum as much as Santorum loves his gay friends, I’m sure they would be only too glad to speak to the media about their love of Santorum.

Santorum told Lemon that his imaginary gay friends prove that he’s no homophobe. But if you believe—as Santorum has said repeatedly—that gays and lesbians are a threat to the family and a danger to the country, then you should be openly and proudly homophobic. So either Santorum is lying when he says we’re a threat to the family, a danger to the country, etc., or he’s lying when he says he has gay friends.

Which is it, Rick?

IN OTHER SANTORUM NEWS: The number-one Santorum site—www.spreadingsantorum.com—is now being regularly updated by a smart group of new bloggers. For all your Santorum/santorum news, head to www.spreadingsantorum.com!

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

115 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. Fisting is one of my all-time favorite activities, but if a guy felt it was a synonym for lifetime commitment, I’d never have experienced it.
    The vagina is a tube of muscle. It can stretch and contract.
    A word of advise, FIST: when you’re in to your wrist or forearm, lean down and give her clit a lick. She’ll wonder how she ever lived without fisting before.

  3. Oh please on the fisting thing. I’ve had two children, been the happy recipient of “fisting” (ugly term for a great act, btw) and have had no complaints regarding my va-jay-jay or the shape it is in. Fist away!!!

  5. MM,
    You say that you’re better friends than lovers, and you certainly sound more like friends (you have fun, make each other laugh) than lovers (he hardly touches you, doesn’t want to marry you).
    Why don’t you simply break up and re-catagorize the relationship? Once you’re no longer a couple, his reaction to his past relationship with a former teacher no longer has the same effect on you. His failure to be bothered by it has no impact on you. Ditto his not wanting to have kids (either with you or at all), his drinking, whatever.
    Let all that go: his past, your expectations about how he should respond to or be affected by his past, his clear non-interest in you sexually.
    Then go out and find a relationship with someone who wants to be with you as a girlfriend.

  6. Fisting is awesome and it’s really not a huge deal. I have no idea where FIST got the idea that it’s at all extreme or much different than fingering or using a toy. You can even do it (slowly and gradually) without the girl realizing that you managed to get four fingers and a thumb in there.

    Dan, thanks so much for not blaming someone’s problems on an early consensual student-teacher relationship! That’s really great to hear.

  8. Good column, and good to know that “the stretched out black hole of doom” is a myth.

    I wonder if there’s a career niche out there for gay people willing to pretend to be friends with politicians? Hopefully there’s no price high enough for someone like Santorum to find somebody.

    Then again, friendships can be weird, and compartmentalization is really easy for people. I have family members who have told me that they consider my polyamorous relationship just as immoral as pedophilia, and we still send cards and visit and have friendly chats. But that’s family. I don’t know if I could suck it up that much for a friendship.

  10. Nailed it on the gay porn or any porn (that shows your face) for would be professionals.

    Our fister fetish guy hardly has what could be called a “fetish” if he’s doing his g-friend for years and she doesn’t even know about it. It seems more like my crucifixion “fetish” which is more like an infatuation with something novel and transgressive than a real fetish.

    Still, whoever thought the black hole of doom was inevitable has never seen a vaginal delivery. It may take some Kegels but long term problems from fisting? Please.

    MM is NOT pathetic- not yet. If he hardly touches you now before the wedding you are going to be on AshleighMadison.com within 6 months after the wedding. Dan didn’t pick up on it, perhaps his Gadar is failing? The guy had a consensual gay relationship as a younger man. Now he doesn’t want to have sex with his girlfriend. Care to bet the fellow is not “into” cunnilingus, or vaginas in general? The writer’s solution is DTMFA and find a straight boyfriend. No your not pathetic, but you will be when you find out your boyfriend is pulling a Larry Craig wiping Santorum off the public restroom floor.

  12. MM My guess is that his tendency to drink heavily is dependent on factors other than his taboo relationship. People respond to transitional periods differently: a person who has found alcohol to be comforting in one way or another may drink more in an attempt to find solace. It’s not necessarily because he was abused but because he was coming to terms with himself on different levels. Also, when you’re in high school, who you do is up to you.

  13. “You know, for a few minutes it looked like Anthony Weiner was going to beat this thing. But the prudes and hypocrites—in Congress and the media—carried the day.”

    I am big Dan fan, think he generally has good, spot-on advice for many people, but have a tiny bit of a problem with the “let’s just ignore” Weiner’s weiner and get on with it. It most circumstances his act would go unnoticed and uncommented upon, but Weiner is a public official, he lives in a fish bowl and knows he needs to at least circumspect in his actions. That he was not shows very poor judgement.

    What has not been explained in the press or anywhere else for that matter are the circumstances of his “sexting.”

    – Was his “sexting” with the young woman/women in question consensual? If not, he may be guilty of sexual harassment.

    – Did he at any time use government resources – his official GI-issued BB, Internet or other account to send picture of his junk? If he did, he should resign. Any Federal employee who did the same thing using taxpayer-funded resources would be fired.

    Weiner held a position of public trust. He may not have betrayed that trust (maybe his wife?), but he certainly showed very poor judgement. I am a USG employee with a security clearance and know that were I to do something similar I could jeopardize my clearance and my job. If I used my Gov’t issue BB or my Internet or e-mail to engage in such activity, view porn, get off on my lunch hour or whatever I would be shown the door. No problem with Weinter finally having the grace and decency to go away! Sorry Dan!

  14. Been reading Dan for many years and generally find his advice spot-on for most people. Have to disagree with him on Weiner and his weinter. Said Congressman, as a public official, lives in a fish bowl and should at least have been circumspect in his actions. That he was not, shows a lack of judgement that would lead me to question my trust in him.

    Further, what were the circumstances – never clearly explained – of his Internet dalliance? Was the “sexting” consensual? Did he use official USG resources, i.e. his Gov’t issued BB, an official Twitter account, Gov’t computers, etc. to send picture of his junk? In the former case, his actions might constitute harassment and in the latter, even if consensual, he should resign b/c any other USG employee would be fired for abuse of tax-payer funded resources.

    I am a USG employee with a security clearance. I hold a position of public trust. If I did the same thing, on my own time or not and it became public I know the counter-intelligence folks might be taking another look at me. If I did what Weinter did with my GI BB or my e-mail or my computer, I would be shown the door. So, I am glad that Rep. Weiner had the decency in the end to resign. Sorry Dan!

  15. So now fisting is added to the list of Required Standard Features?

    As for MM, while the beau in question hardly sounds like a prize, IF there’s an MF in this partnership (and I don’t insist that there is), then I’ll go with the partner who is telling the other partner how he has to define his past history and what has to be a problem for him. Out of all her possible complaints, she leads with THAT? Not his drinking or his panic attacks, disinterest in marriage, children or touching her, but his not regarding a past relationship as molestation.

    Given the time line, I’m guessing she’s fairly comfortable with what she has, even if it’s not entirely satisfactory. One might even think that she wants to be told she’s pathetic, that somehow that will make staying more viable for her. All in all, an interesting letter.

  16. How is telling MM her boyfriend being exploited by his teacher was fair game — but not telling her when such a relationship isn’t ok — not baffling to her and to every-fucking-one else? Is this how Slog establishes itself as a counselor to public figures: by arbitrarily sayng high school students are fair game? I think some rephrasing of the advice here to MM is required.

  17. “Ruined for life?” Forget about letting you fist her, dude, you should worry about her letting you NEAR her again with those kind of misogynistic views. If fisting permanently disfigured a woman’s vagina such that a man could never again get pleasure from it, then every child would be an only child. Your fist is not bigger than a baby’s head.

    The vagina is designed to stretch to enormous sizes then snap back into shape. Honestly, sometimes I wonder about the state of biology classes in this country. Does this dude even know where babies (literally) come from?

  18. Sounds like MM is trying to find some outside reason why the relationship isn’t working out. It couldn’t be because you’re not compatible, it must be because he was ‘molested’ in high school! Sometimes people don’t work well together, and it’s not always because their childhood sucked.

  19. @9 (Mr. J):
    I’ve never fisted a guy; no one’s ever asked me to or expressed interest. While I would be willing to if a partner wanted it, I’m afraid that initially at least, my response would probably be of the ggg variety we discussed last week, rather than an example of selfish sex. But then again, I derive an extraordinary amount of sexual satisfaction in thinking of myself as someone capable of providing sexual satisfaction (ooh: symbiosis and feedback loop again!), so if my partner really got off on my fisting him, I could probably get more into it myself.

    My own interest in it is two-fold. I was going to go into it, but it’s probably too personal for this format; suffice it to say that neither of the reasons I love being fisted translate automatically to wanting to fist a man.

  20. Hey Dan — since you bring up Mr. Ricky in the column, and also in the Newsflash trailer, I am passing along FYI the observation that there appears to be a campaign currently in progress at Wikipedia to whitewash Santorum’s actual record and beliefs (not to mention a concurrent effort to eliminate all mention of his association with the eponymous “neologism”). Looks like his know-nothing supporters are preparing in earnest for the coming “Santorum for President” campaign. Refer to

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Santorum

    and

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Campaign_fo…

    I suggest that SavageLove and its committed readers might consider resurrecting the original “santorum neologism” in response, so that “Santorum for President” will come to be publicly associated with a whole new meaning, having to do with “frothy substance”.

  21. MM’s boyfriend is not bisexual. He is gay. Bisexual men fuck their girlfriends silly enough that they don’t get all emo drama queen and write to Dan about his past weirdo relationship with his HS teacher that he doesn’t define to her liking. And that is why their relationship is not working.

    Why is this so complicated for people? If you’re not getting fucked well and/or your partner is an asshole, DTMF. Life is too short.

  22. @15 (vennominom): I don’t mean to suggest that fisted be added to the list of “standard features,” by any means. My only objection to FIST’s letter was the ignorance it displayed regarding female anatomy. The whole “drastic and permanent physical changes that could ruin her for anyone else” rhetoric was not only histrionic, but it tapped into old misogynistic ideas of a woman’s being “ruined” by having sex.

    It strikes me, however, that perhaps the letter-writer’s disproportionally dramatic conception of the effects of fisting may actually constitute his kink. His interest in the act may stem from the feeling that he would be so imposing his “mark” on his woman that she would be permanently and discernibly altered. That indeed is the ultimate power kink.

  23. aaarrgh: Meant to write ‘I don’t mean to suggest that FISTING be added to the list of “standard features,” by any means’ in the first sentence of posting #22.

  24. Well, I, for one, have learnt a LOT tonight.

    @11. I was kinda thinking that his fetish made him willfully ignorant. Was that part of the fetish, that he would ruin her somehow? Somewhat creepy in his stupidity, eh?

  26. #16, I don’t think Dan is excusing what happened with the teacher as okay. Instead, he’s pointing out that there’s no reason for the letter writer to attribute her relationship troubles in general to this incident, and she shouldn’t be insisting that her boyfriend feel a certain way about what happened. That doesn’t mean that teacher/highschool student relationships are acceptable.

    After ten years with someone who doesn’t share your life goals of marriage and kids, and who barely touches you, it’s high past time to move on. It doesn’t matter why the boyfriend is the way he is; regardless, the girlfriend needs to get a grip.

    And I totally agree on the porn thing. Employers can go to surprising lengths to investigate hires. I wouldn’t risk that.

  27. I love you, Dan, but this was largely a shitty column. Normally you bitchslap them and then give some good advice. Midwest only got (I think a mis-directed) bitchslap, and Fetishist received both insufficient bitchslapping and advice.

  28. I’m agreeing that FIST’s misconception that he would ruin his partner’s vagina is very possibly part of the fantasy for him. I also notice that this misconception is a big part of his excuse for not being able to tell his LTR, so there may be more reason he’s preserved that false image.
    Maybe he didn’t do the research he should have before going around making claims about permanently broken vaginas – but at least he’s doing it now. Everyone has to start somewhere and asking Dan counts.

  30. Um… I’m sorry, but just as much as not all women like cock shots (and some do!), not all women are set up for fisting. Just because some people are able to do it no problem doesn’t mean everyone can/should.

    Sorry, all this ‘fisting is no big deal’ bit irks me. I’ve turned down more than one guy because their penis was too big. No way am I letting somenoe put their whole goddamn fist in there. Pass.

    But if you like it, that’s rad.

  31. re: Suzy @26: if there is no circumstance in which the boyfriend’s relationship with his teacher is ok, then her interpretation is completely acceptable.

    In order to dismiss her conclusion, there has to be a circumstance in which the boyfriend’s relationship with his teacher is ok. No one is providing that circumstance.

    All the advice here to the girlfriend to look for something other her boyfriend’s relationship with his teacher for causality is letting down MM.

  32. Mydrirasis (@30):
    When I said that I wasn’t suggesting that fisting be a standard part of everyone’s repertoire, that’s what I meant. Even a woman who would “be able to do it” might not enjoy it or might not WANT to do it. I was just trying to correct the letter-writer’s (I think) willful ignorance of the damage it does.

  34. @22 has it right. The real act isn’t the kink, and the real act isn’t going to satisfy the urge unless the partner knows what he’s really looking for and perhaps playacting the experience into something (ruinous) that it’s not.

  36. @33 KCFrance
    That was humorous exaggeration. Do you really think Dan is that ignorant? Also, how is he ignorant about width?

  37. Mike/31, even if the guy was “preyed upon”, as she put it, the crucial thing is that nobody gets to tell him how he should feel about it. If he wanted to have a sexual relationship with the teacher–even if the teacher did something horribly wrong–then there’s no point trying to force him to feel like a victim who was violated. That’s only going to make things more confusing than they already are.

    Girlfriend is heavily invested in being his wound-healer, and apparently thinks the reason their 10-year relationship isn’t going where she wants it to go is because boyfriend hasn’t yet sufficiently grasped his own victimization. What does she want him to do exactly, to prove that he’s not “okay” with it? Whatever it is, he could do that, and he could get over the panic attacks, but still not be the future husband and father she wants him to be. She needs to walk away from this now, and stop trying to be his therapist.

  38. Dan,

    If there was ever a case for sitting down with a neutral 3rd party (therapist/friend/clergy) to talk out things, it’s MM. If she just swallows this, it’s going to lead to a break up.

    I’ve seen this with friends, seen this with clients.

    Also, having worked with a lot of kids who were taken advantage upon in high school or by distant family members or authority figures in their communities, I can say this: while we can’t automatically attribute the bad behavior to that incident, we can’t discount it either. It’s not 100% that this is the source of the drinking and other behavior…but it’s more likely than not AND the potential consequences of letting it go w/o dealing with it are life time.

    Potential causes of drinking/panic attacks/emotional battle walls/other neg behavior, in decreasing order of likelihood:

    1. Incident in high school (whether it was abuse or just a consensual but hidden relationship)
    2. He’s in the closet and struggling (be it that he’s bi or really just gay and in denial)
    3. Something else happened that drove him to drink. If he kept the HS “incident” secret so long, what else is there?
    4. He’s genetically alcoholic/dependent/mental issues.
    5. He’s just an ass/was just an ass.

    Also, this bothers me A LOT: “My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. A few years ago, he informed me that he was molested in high school by a teacher and was in a sexual relationship with this man until he met me.”

    They were together for 10 years and he didn’t tell her about “the HS thing” or the bi or gay until a few years ago? So he was in a relationship for at least 6 years where he was denying a major part of himself to her (i.e., an attraction to men and a life-changing relationship in HS). Jesus Christ on a Cracker. I’m surprised you went to the problem was the relationship isn’t meeting her expectations.

    No, Dan, the problem is, he was actively concealing a part of himself for a long time. It’s not just that she”s not happy. It’s that he kept a big part of himself from her. If I found out now, after 12 years, that this had happened to my husband and he hadn’t told me, I’d seriously question whether our emotional and intellectual intimacy was what I always thought it to be or whether it was all just artifice.

    Now, I’m not a fan of immediately disclosing and always disclosing….people have a right to keep things to themselves….but he did disclose. Way too late.

    People, if you are carrying around this type of info (i.e., anything your partner might want to really know and/or consider a game changer), either let them know once you hit the comfy stage of a relationship (no more than 2-3 years in) OR keep it to yourself forever.

    The “emotionally closed” thing bothers me as well. Men who are that closed off do not get better just because they meet the “right woman”. What they do is they learn how to fake it. But the underlying issue is still there.

    Quite frankly, this man has some type of damage. I don’t know what it is. It’s not going away by ignoring it. It’s not going away by accepting the imperfection.

    I think she needs to either get into counseling with him (and he needs individual counseling) or she should cut her losses and move on.

    Just because you love someone does not mean you can make a go of it with him simply by lowering your expectations. If she does that, she will regret it.

    Absent therapy for both and for him, I think this is a slow-motion train wreck. She should get off while she can…and while she’s young enough to have a shot at what she wants.

  39. You know Dan, to me the Anthony Weiner thing wasn’t at all about the stray dick pics. And his resignation wasn’t about some kind of sexual hypocracy thing. It was the totally immature and weird way he went around for a whole weekend LYING ABOUT IT.

    I mean, I’m ignoring that it was probably a douchy thing to do to his pregnant wife. Maybe they have an arrangement. Maybe she’s pissed as hell. That’s their business. I’m also ignoring the obviously bad judgment he exercised in sending the picture, out of the blue, to a JOURNALISM STUDENT. I mean, the stupid, it burns.

    But he lied about it to the national media. Which is exactly the wrong way to beat a scandal like this. In the end, I think that’s what sealed his fate.

    I mean, how can you trust the guy now? And if he gets this shaken about a couple of dick pics, god forbid he ever be put in a business with sensitive national security information.

  40. “Dear Dan, I live below this couple. There’s loud banging, screaming, crying, and the sound of stuff breaking. The woman comes out with sunglasses and long-sleeved turtlenecks in summer. Should I be concerned?”

    “Well, maybe she’s very fashion-conscious and gets chills. You should back off Nancy Drew. It’s none of your business and you need to worry more about your pending decision to move and live with it or stay and STFU.”

    A trusted authority figure exploited her boyfriend in high school, and now he has a half dozen behavior / mental problems involving relationships and commitments. I think it’s universally, 100% safe to tell this girl that she and her boyfriend NEED COUPLES COUNSELING RIGHT NOW. She needs counseling to figure out why she’s latching onto this guy so hard when he’s behaving disinterested, and he needs counseling, period.

    Reading Dan’s response was liking watching someone from a homeless shelter close the door in a needy man’s face while yelling through the glass “TRY GETTING A JOB”. Seriously, aren’t you supposed to be helping people when you can, and directing them to better help when you can’t? This is fucking ridiculous.

  41. re: Suzy @37: my understanding is that the foundation of respect is validating someone’s story.

    You seem to be saying that the girlfriend doesn’t respect her boyfriend, and I’m not disagreeing with that.

    What I’m saying is that if someone doesn’t know your story, and you withhold it from them, you’ve made it impossible for them to respect you.

    Sloggers can’t refuse to give MM any verbs to act on, then pat themselves on the back for providing any.

  42. MM, listen to what you are saying to him, “You need to feel the way I tell you to feel about an experience you had before I even knew you.” Give up, it’s not going to happen.

    Stop worrying about him and go find someone who wants the same things you do!

  43. The D party wanted Weiner gone since the first moment he uttered the words “single payer”. The cock shot was just the smoking gun, as it were. Recent history shows that politicians who help enhance the economic inequality of the rich, powerful and well-connected generally find their youthful indiscretions kept quieter.

  44. Well of course Santorum is lying; this happens all the time. The latest is brain-dead David Tyree, who says the legalization of gay marriage will “lead to anarchy” while maintaining he has gay friends, respects them, and believes they should have the same rights as straights.

    Uh-huh.

  45. @40: I think the subtext of Dan’s reply is that the relationship sounds irreparably toxic and damaged, and that her best option is to get out. Telling her “you two should go to counseling” would just play into the whole tragic, I-can-fix-this mentality.

    Frankly, I’m glad Dan’s taking a stand against the idea that people who have exploitative or abusive sexual experiences are defined by those experiences. They’re not, and I know a lot of people who HAVE been abused who resent the condescending pigeonholing that goes on.

    I also know a lot of people who use past abuse as an excuse for behaving badly, abusively, or destructively themselves, and that needs to stop too. Lots of shitty things happen in life, and someone whose shitty experiences involve genitals doesn’t have greater moral standing than someone who merely got the shit beaten out of them.

  46. Of course Rick Santorum knows gay people. Any one as homophobic as Santorum is clearly a closet case and we all ought to be saying so. There is no way that he will not be outed eventually, and any of his gay ‘friends’ that are reading this should consider it their ethical duty to do so as soon as possible.

  47. @43: I’m not a constituent of Weiner, but I live pretty close to his district. I loved what he was doing in Congress. When the photo first came out, I believed him; I despise Breitbart and thought “here comes another right-wing smear.”

    And, if he had owned up to it, or had at least not gone around flat-out denying it, I would still stand by him.

    But he didn’t. The way he handled it has really made me doubt his maturity and ability to handle tough personal situations and stress. If this had just been a sex scandal, I think Dan would be right in claiming “that the prudes and the hypocrits– in Congress and the media– carried the day.”

    It’s a damn shame that someone who was really doing a lot of good had such a meltdown. I hope he can overcome this in the future; I’d like to see him back in public service. But I’m not sure that I could ever trust him again.

  48. Ms Cute – Well, I doubt I’ll ever unretire, but it’s useful to keep track of what would likely be expected if I did. Mr Savage seemed a bit blase about it. Personally, I wouldn’t define anything as a standard feature (not even cupholders) and have everything negotiated. But then I’d never become intimate with anyone practised in sales, so that I shouldn’t have to worry about being negotiated into dreading sex instead of craving it.

  50. Am I the only one who wants santorum to become the republican nominee for president just so I can mock him to my hearts content.

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