In response to a wannabe fister who hadn’t told his girlfriend about his kink, you wrote, “At three years, all your kink cards should be lying faceup on the table.” Really? Then my husband and I screwed up. We’ve been married for 19 years, and he told me only five years ago that he wanted to be spanked. Less than two years ago, he mentioned that he had been to a dominatrix before we met. I thought we had talked about everything when it came to sex and fantasies. I was wrong.
While I have your attention: I’m having a problem with the spanking. It just isn’t my thing. I told my husband he could go to a dominatrix if that would satisfy his needs. He agreed to go if I watched the session. I’m not sure I can do that, either. Well, guess what? We can’t even find one in our part of the country. I hate to think we need to plan a special trip outside to visit a dominatrix (“outside” means Lower 48 in Alaska slang). I can’t imagine scheduling something like that when we’re on vacation visiting kids, family, and friends. Any suggestions?
Not Into Spanking
You didn’t screw up, NIS, your husband did—he’s the one who didn’t lay down his kink cards.
I find this bit absolutely astounding: You gave your husband permission to see a professional dominatrix—a permission slip that countless submissive married men would be thrilled to have—and he responded by placing conditions on you? His desire to include you is a good sign (he’s just that into you), but he’s either an ingrate or a bossy, passive-aggressive, domineering douchesub for responding like that. You’re in a better position to judge which one he is.
My advice: Stand your ground. He has your blessing to go get his spank on—on his own. The accommodation you’ve proposed is reasonable and generous, and he should be grateful. He doesn’t have to travel to the big city to see a pro with a fully tricked-out dungeon: Most sex workers are happy to indulge their clients’ milder kinks, and spanking—as opposed to flogging, caning, sandblasting, etc.—definitely qualifies as mild.
If you do find yourself in the Lower 48 and he wants to make an appointment with a pro, just tell your kids, family, and friends that you’re slipping out for a romantic meal. Accompany your husband to the studio, say hello to the nice dominatrix, and hand your husband over for punishment. Then you can retire to a nice restaurant and have the cocktail you deserve while your husband gets the spanking he deserves. And once your husband arrives, have that romantic meal.
I’ve been in a BDSM relationship for two years with an awesome top who respects my limits. Like most GGG lovers, there are things I hate and won’t do, and there’s stuff I don’t like much but I know he loves and I can put up with. One of these things is having his dick hit my cervix when we’re fucking: He loves it because it hurts, but it freaks me out because I’ve heard stories of women having their cervixes ruptured during sex. He assures me that won’t happen, but on at least two occasions I’ve bled so much that I thought my period had started. Am I right to be freaked for my cervix or is this okay?
Freaked By Bloody Sex
“Worrisome cervical damage, including cervical rupture during sexual intercourse between two healthy adults, is extremely unlikely,” said Nassim Assefi, an internist specializing in women’s health—as well as a writer, activist, and humanitarian aid worker. (Learn more about her superhuman kickassery at www.nassimassefi.com.) “Some caveats: This assumes no piercings of the penis (no spiky jewelry hitting the cervix), and this does not include rape of young girls, large-animal penis penetration of women, and use of foreign bodies (dildos and other objects much larger than human penises).”
Assefi adds that it’s not uncommon to have a little cervical bleeding after vigorous vaginal intercourse, FBBS, and I’ll add that a little bleeding—on occasion (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries)—can be normal after anal, too.
“However, bleeding—especially heavy bleeding like a period—may be a sign of a cervix made fragile by STIs, benign growths (polyps), precancerous conditions, or cancer, not to mention bleeding disorders. It’s worth getting a pelvic exam and talking to a health provider about the bleeding if you’re worried or the bleeding is heavy.”
Assefi sums it up: “Bonk the cervix if you and your partner get off on it. Just make sure you’re bonking a healthy cervix.”
I’m a 28-year-old gay man, living with my partner for two years. I’ve always been open about wanting to be tied up, spanked, maybe trussed up in leather bondage gear. He’s always been open about his reluctance to indulge me, saying he needs time to get used to it. I’m inclined to believe him, because it took him quite a while to get to the point of just being willing to strap me to the bed and jerk me. I’d like to explore some other aspects of my fetishes. He says we will but thinking about me in kinky gear makes him anxious.
We had a bit of an argument about this, and I’ve agreed to drop the subject of my kinks while we’re on vacation. He’s worth waiting for: We click emotionally, he’s sexy, I love his smell, we enjoy spending time together, I love the cuddles, we love each other madly, and the vanilla sex we have is great. So if he never got past this at all, it might not be a deal breaker, but I’m hoping you have some ideas about how to make it more fun and less stressful or off-putting for him.
Boyfriend Isn’t Necessarily
Delivering My Erotics
There’s one way you could make your kinks less stressful for your boyfriend: Outsource ’em.
Unlike straight married men who want to be tied up and spanked, BINDME, you wouldn’t have to pay (or travel) for it. The supply-and-demand problem that complicates the lives of so many kinky straight men—there are too many kinky men out there chasing too few kinky women—isn’t an issue for kinky gay men. Kinky gay men with vanilla partners have the option of jumping on Recon.com or other kink sites and finding a few bondage buddies, i.e., guys they get together with for free sex-free bondage sessions.
If your boyfriend doesn’t want to sign off on that, and you’re willing to hang in there, you should. A vanilla guy who’s strapping you to the bed at two years could be helping you pick out hardcore bondage gear for your wedding registry at four. It sounds like this relationship has a lot going for it, BINDME, so you might want to take his word for it when he says that he’ll get there for you.
It certainly won’t hurt to give the subject a rest over your vacation, particularly if you’ve been plaguing him about it recently. But let him know, post-vacation, that while you’re willing to be patient (you are being patient), you’re ultimately going to explore your kinks with him—your preferred option—or you’re going to need his permission to explore your kinks without him. But you’re not going to not explore your kinks.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
Great column Dan.
PS – MLBs “It Gets Better” campaign is a definite hit in my book. Hell, it’s the best thing the Chicago Cubs have done in years!!! Keep spreading hope and faith!!!
For FBBS: birth control pills can make the cervix more delicate, so that it bleeds more easily.
Great column as always Dan. I tend to agree with NIS. Sometimes the kink cards are better left in one’s deck than on the table.
As an aside, LOVE to see the “It Gets Better” message being spread through pro sports. Hell, it’s the best thing the Chicago Cubs have done in years!
Dan I absolutely love your advice. For Gay pride week we are selling “Gay Cupcake” at cupcake Royale where I work. 50% of the proceeds are going to the “It gets Better Project” I’ve had the opportunity to educate a lot of people about this project when they come into the store. Keep doing what you are doing and know that you have so many people behind you and more than willing to give support, from both the gay and gay alliance communities.
Uhhh, Hunter78 @6, why exactly are you insulting EricaP in that fashion?
Really dickish move there.
@7
Asked and answered there ’40.
@ NIS: LW’s husband invited her along to view because he thinks that’s what’s expected of him, as opposed to what he really wants to do. He’s just being his submissive self. It took him 14 whole years to tell LW about his spanking desire; that’s a long lead-up time. He’s rehearsed it a long time in his head, the wrong way. LW needs to calm him down and set things right by assuring him it’s ok to go without her.
Aww, they’ve been married for 19 years and sensible advice like Dan’s was harder to come by back then (when dinosaurs walked the earth with no Internet). This dumbass, inconsiderate old spank-wanker probably thought he was supposed to lie about his kink back when he got married. He can have (a little) sympathy from me as long as he starts shaping up now.
The young couples stupidly withholding their kinks from partners in 2011 have fewer excuses.
(Still, while people are responsible for correcting their ignorance, it’s tough when there’s cultural barriers and I can’t always fault their stupidity. That’s why it’s great that Dan does what he does — his world-changing work is needed.)
To each her own, GGG, whatever… Having your cervix bashed until it bleeds sounds worse than getting screwed in an orifice, Crash-style. The person who wrote in clearly doesn’t enjoy it and is afraid for her health – I don’t think she was looking for reassurance, I think she was looking for some hard evidence that would let her stop getting fucked until she’s bleeding profusely (since she’s clearly indulged this guy more than once).
sometimes the people who write you sound so wholesome and lovable that i like humanity just a little bit better.
BINDME, I’d ask your boyfriend if he’s got problems with bondage in general, or with the idea of YOU being tied down and toyed with.
Since you guys are so madly in love, there’s always that possibility that he’s SO sweet on you that he feels uncomfortable inflicting discomfort on you, even if it’s fun discomfort. You can be lying there giving him the go-ahead through your gag, and he’ll still feel like he’s doing something wrong or bad.
If that’s the case, he just needs some time, like Dan says.
@11 – She didn’t say it hurt or was unenjoyable, only that she was freaked out due to the bleeding and horror stories.
This week’s column: perfect.
It was so exciting to see you in the NYC Pride March this year, Dan. But, to my amazement and by complete chance, I spotted you again the same day, exiting the box office of The Normal Heart! Did you get the chance to see the show?
@14: read the cervix-bashed woman’s letter more carefully. Specifically this part:
…there’s stuff I don’t like much but I know he loves and I can put up with. One of these things is having his dick hit my cervix when we’re fucking: He loves it because it hurts [me]…
There might not be any pro-doms in Alaska, but I have heard that there is a kink scene up there. Maybe NIS’s husband should look for a dominant there.
@11 & 17 I’m not sure how much that matters in a BDSM relationship, though. She said “there’s stuff I don’t like much but I know he loves and I can put up with.” We have no idea what he is or isn’t doing for her that he can describe in the same way. Also, we can’t assume that the reason she doesn’t much like it is because it hurts, because for all we know, she’s into intense needle play or caning or something else that’s very painful but not painful in the same way as getting hit in the cervix with a dick. I think she honestly wanted to know whether it was dangerous because that IS a major concern in BDSM, whereas pain is often kind of the point…
If NIS’s husband is in Alaska like it sounds, why doesn’t he look into dommes in British Colombia? I find it hard to believe he can’t find a kink scene closer than the lower 48.
Dan, I almost ran smack into you and Terry yesterday crossing Dupont circle. If you saw a girl in a grey dress looking flabbergasted and doing a double take, it was me. Wish I had said thank you for all of the advice I’ve gleaned from your column. It made my day to see you.
Dan, I’m surprised you didn’t call bullshit on NIS’ claims that they can’t find a dominatrix in their area. I mean, it’s not like it’s got a huge population crammed in together like sardine cans, but surely it can’t all be vanilla couples and singles. They don’t necessarily have to make an appointment with a dungeon; I’m sure some careful sweeps of the personal ads will turn up a discreet dominatrix near them — or at least someone willing to spank the husband for the sheer hell of it.
Also, while it’s a bit much for him to ask her to come along to watch him get spanked every time, it might not be a bad idea for her to come along and watch the first session just to make sure for her own satisfaction that he’s safe and that any boundaries aren’t going to be crossed.
@19: if someone says they don’t like something and that it hurts, that matters whether they’re in a D/s relationship or not. Not every masochist enjoys all types of pain and not every sub will feel fulfilled by an (otherwise undesirable) act solely because it pleases their dom.
I would tend to agree with #11 that this woman is hoping for an excuse not to get cervix-bashed anymore.
@17… you are adding the (me) to her statement. Are you sure that she didn’t mean that her boyfriend likes it because it hurts HIM when he bumps up against her cervix?
If she doesn’t want to do it because it hurts or she’s not comfortable with the risk, she shouldn’t have to do it. However, it didn’t sound like that was necessarily the case. It COULD be, but it’s unclear to me when I read the letter. It sounds just as likely that she’s worried because of the bleeding and horror stories, but otherwise willing, and checking in with Dan to see if her fears are unfounded. If not, then she needs to clearly communicate to her boyfriend that this is a hard limit for her, rather than making vague excuses due to potential health hazards. Communicate what you do and don’t want clearly and relationships will work better all the way around.
FBBS isn’t in a “BDSM” relationship. She is in an abusive relationship. She needs to tell the creep she married that enough is enough and that it is time to stop.
There is something distinctly horrific about men who claim to be “BDSM” but are actually just male abusers.
FBBS has allowed herself to be manipulated into being abused. It is up to her to stop it or not.
For BINDME,
Although I have no direct evidence that dom women for sub men are scarce, it makes sense. However, it is well accepted in my area (Virginia), and I have plenty of evidence, that sub gay men far outnumber dom gay men.
Recon certainly is interesting, and there are some highly advanced kinksters there, but I find much more kinky action on Adam4Adam (include “Misc. Fetishes” in your search), and gay.com (include BDSM in your search).
I am lucky in that my vanilla BF is totally cool with my exploring kink with other guys.
I love the vanilla people chiming in with “She shouldn’t have to do it if she doesn’t like it.” She may not like it, but she knows he loves it, so she indulges him on occasion. That’s part of GGG. You indulge your lovers’ little quirks that you may not be FOND of, but you certainly don’t hate, and your partner will, in turn, do the same for you. Quid Pro Quo…
I’d just like to add, if it’s too painful for her to have her cervix tapped, she could always pop in an menstrual sponge in beforehand.
It´s interesting to see how many people have jumped to the `she is being manipulated´ and ´leave the creep!´ conclusions based on FBBS´s letter. Funny, I also saw the concern she has with the blood flow, and I certainly would want her to make sure everything is OK there — but am I really the only one who saw the ´I’ve been in a BDSM relationship for two years with an awesome top who respects my limits´ and the ´there’s stuff I don’t like much but I know he loves and I can put up with´, which suggests this isn´t an abusive relationship, but actually one with communication?
People are too quick to draw their guns and shoot, it seems. As far as I can tell, she may indeed want some excuse to escape the cervix pounding which she says she doesn’t enjoy, but it does also seem to me that, if she can find this good argument, it will indeed stop. Why jump to the abuse conclusion?
I don’t quite understand why “outsource your kink” is the immediate answer when BIND ME asks for some “ideas about how to make it more fun” for boyfriend. How about, you know, some ideas that actually pertain to the boyfriend, rather than leaping to an ultimatum of exploring the kink with or without the boyfriend’s involvement?
One thing he might try is to let boyfriend know that, for the moment, he’s going to drop the requests for the kink to be performed. In the meantime, though, he’d like to talk about his fantasies sometime when they’re having “vanilla” sex. While they’re doing something that’s comfortable and pleasant for the boyfriend, maybe he can describe the ideas or images that excite him. Emphasis on how the boyfriend is the sexy object of desire in this fantasy might not hurt. In other words, this is merely another way of enjoying being with the boyfriend that’s exciting–it doesn’t suggest that the boyfriend isn’t meeting some need, or is painted in any negative light. It also helps to put a little humor into the situation–keeping it light, or finding a way to joke about it, takes the pressure off.
A few other ideas for later on might be:
–find a video or representation of what you want to do that is on the milder side, and let boyfriend watch, as you describe what it is about this scene that you like, or how you’d rather envision the boyfriend doing this.
–try doing something milder with the boyfriend as the recipient, so he can find out what it feels like for you. Maybe just tying his hands together gently, in a way he could get out of if he wanted to, and then doing something you’d usually do together that he likes?
If the relationship is good, it seems worthwhile to invest the time and patience in exploring things together. If people want to go outside the relationship, that’s another story, but why push that option now? Otherwise the boyfriend will feel even more like he’s a “problem” for disappointing his lover, which isn’t a good recipe for happiness. He’s started down the road towards experimenting–maybe he just needs a little time and gentleness.
I don’t see what NIS’s husband did to “screw up”, or to deserve being called an ingrate or douche. Is it so surprising that he’d want his wife of many years, to whom he’s finally been able to disclose some previously hidden desires, to be part of the activity? I know this may seem shocking, but he might feel worried about betraying her if he goes to someone else alone, so it seems right to include her. This could be even more true if his wife is normally the one to whom he wants to be submissive. In short, the man apparently loves being with his wife–so why is he a douche for being reluctant to strike out in sexual activities on his own, without her?
@24:
If the man is the top in a D/s relationship, he *does* like the cervix-pounding because it *does* hurt HER. First of all, I can’t say this with full certainty, not being the possessor of a penis, but I don’t think it would hurt a man to crash up against a cervix. But being the owner of a vagina and attendant cervix which has been pounded, it can certainly hurt the cervix-owner.
Part of the appeal to this man is that he’s making the woman do things she wouldn’t necessarily choose to do of her own volition.
Part of what he enjoys is that it causes her pain and she submits anyway.
She doesn’t classify the cervix-pounding as off-limits (she says he respects her limits), but as something she doesn’t “like much” but will do because he “loves” it–and one of the reasons he loves it is that it hurts her. Basic BDSM.
She just wants reassurance that she’s not being seriously injured. It’s freaky when a sex act routinely causes you to bleed.
She doesn’t suggest at all that this is an abusive relationship, and I got the feeling that if she put cervix pounding on the “restricted” list, he’d respect that. She just wants some information.
@31: Good point. Sharing your kink with a spouse is an attempt to bring you closer together; being told to fulfill it elsewhere, while more tolerant than many responses, isn’t the response he was hoping for. It is very easy to become emotionally attached to the person who provides you sexual satisfaction, and maybe NIS’s husband has an inkling that may happen.
Why does BINDME’s boyfriend say that thinking about his boyfriend in “kinky gear” makes him “anxious?”
What is he anxious about?
@25: Where are you getting abuse from this? Here’s the first line: “I’ve been in a BDSM relationship for two years with an awesome top who respects my limits.” [emphasis added] Does that sound abusive? She’s worried about the bleeding (which makes sense to me), not the pain.
@29: That was my reading; I see no indications of abuse in the letter (quite the opposite, as you point out).
I live in Alaska and wouldn’t recommend going to anything/ anyone up here anyway, the community even in Anchorage is so small that eventually someone would know someone who talked and before you know it everyone would know.
To show you how small it is my grandfather slept with the woman who later became aunt’s my father-in-law’s wife.
@ 35: #25 is projecting. The relationship FBBS describes sounds like a pretty healthy one; I’d like to know what #25 thinks a healthy BDSM relationship would look like – or if she believes it’s even possible to have one.
I don’t see abuse in the cervix chick’s letter at all. I do see a woman who’s so eager to please that she’s doing something that hurts her solely because her partner likes it. The fact that they’re in a dom/sub relationship is incidental.
My understanding of GGG, though, is that it means doing things you’re not specifically into, not things that are painful or distasteful to you. There’s a difference between being a sport and being a martyr, and this chick is the latter.
There’s a good possibility she’s subconsciously feeling bitter toward her partner for not backing off after making her bleed; I get the definite feeling she’s writing to Dan because she wants someone to go “Holy fuck he’s pounding you until you bleed? You shouldn’t put up with that!” – or, yeah, at the very least “this could cause a medical problem.” Kind of an official second opinion to back her up because she’s too shy to tell him outright “I don’t like this and I don’t want to do it anymore.”
It’s not (necessarily) anything to do with the guy. He might be great. I think this woman just got her own head tied in knots re: not wanting to say no to her partner. A lot of women (maybe men, too? I have no idea) have done this. I’ve done it.
FBBS – I too have a lover who loves to pound my cervix (although I love it too) and because of a benign polyp (harmless and not uncommon), this sometimes gets a bit bloody. Just a bit of reassurance
“But let him know, post-vacation, that while you’re willing to be patient (you are being patient), you’re ultimately going to explore your kinks with him—your preferred option—or you’re going to need his permission to explore your kinks without him. But you’re not going to not explore your kinks.”
Is that a piece of general advice, or is it meant specifically for a LW whose kinks don’t seem that extreme?
And, given that BINDME said it isn’t necessarily a deal-breaker, why so stern that the kinks trump the relationship if the two can’t coexist? It’s nice that kinks aren’t shameful secrets guiltily hidden away any more, but it sometimes seems as if things might have swung a bit far the other way. Also, while I suppose relationships in which the GGG is all from one direction can succeed, but it would be encouraging to see a bit of reciprocity now and again.
One of my favourite non-compliments was once telling someone that he never seemed to have an unexpressed thought. Of course, the recipient of this remark was immensely pleased, taking it as incredibly complimentary, which gave considerable amusement to those in the know. Never having an unexplored kink doesn’t strike me as quite that bad, but it does seem to be in a similar line.
For me, having my cervix hit during intercourse doesn’t just cause pain, it also causes nausea. Putting up with a little pain for my top’s pleasure is fine; putting up with nausea is a different kettle of fish. It’s awfully hard to eroticize nausea (at least, it is for me. Dan probably knows of a website devoted to the eroticization of nausea.) 🙂
@38 (perversecowgirl):
I don’t think the fact that the letter writer characterized this relationship as D/s is incidental. She’s not talking about merely being GGG; she is in a relationship wherein she submits to her partner. Pain doesn’t *have* to be a part of every D/s relationship, of course, but it often is. This isn’t sport vs. martyr at all.
@42: I don’t think the fact that the letter writer characterized this relationship as D/s is incidental. She’s not talking about merely being GGG; she is in a relationship wherein she submits to her partner. Pain doesn’t *have* to be a part of every D/s relationship, of course, but it often is.
Right, but as I said earlier, this isn’t “good pain”, otherwise she’d say she enjoyed it, not that she “puts up with it”. And it’s not fulfilling to her in the “I don’t like the activity itself but I totally get off on pleasing my dom and pushing my limits” kind of way…otherwise she’d say she enjoyed it, not that she “puts up with it”.
What we have here is a woman who is doing something she actively dislikes, simply because her boyfriend does like it. She has made it very clear (to us) that she dislikes it; yet she doesn’t tell her partner to stop doing it. If that’s not a martyr complex, I’m not sure what is.
If she wasn’t in a D/s relationship, how would that change her letter for you, nocutename? Would your advice to her be different if she were vanilla? Why?
@43: Interesting question, perversecowgirl.
I suspect that we all project our own issues, autobiographies, and concerns onto letters, particularly where there is a dearth of detail.
But in this case, the letter writer identified herself as a submissive in a BDSM relationship, so I am taking her at her word. And that kind of relationship has built into it the fact that the sub often submits to acts he or she find painful.
Perversecowgirl, I submit to acts I find painful and don’t enjoy, not because I’m a woman who has been socialized to accommodate her man, but because part of the thrill I get comes from being able to take something I am scared of–and because the very dynamic turns me on.
I am assuming that FBBS has a similar reaction, but, of course, I am projecting my own responses on to her.
I’ve enjoyed your columns for years and admire your efforts with “It Gets Better.” Any chance you could provide some honest feedback about this video, created by a comedian I know:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhAmHuNyx…
Whattayathink?
Dan, I’ve enjoyed your columns for years and admire your efforts with “Its Gets Better.” I’m hoping you and your readers will provide some honest feedback about this video, created by a comedian I know. He calls it a VERY Gay PSA:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhAmHuNyx…
If it makes you laugh, please share it with your friends and fans!
She might have a retroverted cervix, which is not a problem health-wise, but would make it (much) more painful to have sex in certain positions and more prone to bleeding. A simple vaginal check would be able to show this.
@perversecowgirl (#43), but my understanding of BDSM relationships is that they often involve pain, and that the dominant partner in such relationships does enjoy giving the pain, and the submissive enjoys receiving it. I suppose pain plays a positive role in the relationship in general. In this case, pain has a different weight in the GGG equation than it would have in vanilla relationships. Submissives are often willing to put up with things (including pain) that they don’t especially enjoy for the sake of their dominants — in fact, to some submissives, doing that is… an indirect turn-on.
If they are in a healthy BDSM relationship, I’d imagine there are other kinds of pain (say, spanking?) that FBBS willingly enjoys. Maybe even things more painvul than cervix pain? So pain, per se, may not be the problem. She seems more concerned with the blood flow than with the pain.
As nocutename above pointed out, it doesn’t seem that there is any big reason for concern in this relationship. FBBS is worried about the blood flow and wonders if this means she shouldn’t be indulging her partner. Maybe this is so (though the advice given by the specialist Dan contacted suggests the opposite). In which case, as nocutename above suggested, she can probably mention it to her partner, and if the relationship is as she describes he will respect this new limit.
Oh, I see nocutename already gave the response I gave, and in a more concise way. Bravo!
Nocutename, I’ve also been a submissive in a BDSM relationship (not anymore, alas), and I have likewise submitted to acts that were painful to me and that I didn’t like in themselves for precisely the same reasons you mean: because my (female) dominant partner enjoyed them, and because the fear and the dynamic were in a strange way a turn-on. (Isn’t it funny when something is a turn-on precisely because it is a turn-off yet your dominant demands it of you? Sounds weird, but somehow it does work.)
Which is why I agree with your advice to FBBS. Of course, we shouldn’t jump to conclusions; there’s a lot FBBS didn’t say about her relationship, and we’re assuming certain things — the opposite of what perversecowgirl is assuming. Either we, or perversecowgirl, might be wrong.
Anyway, perversecowgirl has made me think about the interesting possibility that it might be more difficult to notice abuse in a BDSM relationship — especially if you’re the sub, since you’d have to differentiate between sexy-abuse and non-sexy, real abuse. Abuse abuse, as it were. I once read a book about one such relationship that was abusive to the submissive: Matthew Styranka’s The Endless Knot: A Spiritual Odyssey Through Sadomasochism. The main character took a long time to realize he was being really abused by his dominant lady, and it wasn’t easy.
Thanks for another spot on column, Dan!!
@ 21 – Yay, Dupont Circle! I too would have gawked a little. 😉 (DC area slogger)
@ 41 – oh sure, what is it, rule 34 of the Internet?
For BINDME, I agree w/ whoever it is above who said outsourcing right away is a leap. Maybe they could go to a how-to rope play 101 @ a local munch. If the BF stays anxious, after being made to see that it’s no big deal & how much his partner wants it – yeah, sure, negotiate that. But were I in those shoes, I’d let the vacation be fun & vanilla, wait a decent amount of time to unpack & recharge on heading home, & then look around for a nice local group that can y’know, show you the ropes. Just because they’re gay guys & they HAVE likely more options, doesn’t mean they shouldn’t try harder to involve each other in play, first, IMO..