In response to a wannabe fister who hadn’t told his girlfriend about his kink, you wrote, “At three years, all your kink cards should be lying faceup on the table.” Really? Then my husband and I screwed up. We’ve been married for 19 years, and he told me only five years ago that he wanted to be spanked. Less than two years ago, he mentioned that he had been to a dominatrix before we met. I thought we had talked about everything when it came to sex and fantasies. I was wrong.
While I have your attention: I’m having a problem with the spanking. It just isn’t my thing. I told my husband he could go to a dominatrix if that would satisfy his needs. He agreed to go if I watched the session. I’m not sure I can do that, either. Well, guess what? We can’t even find one in our part of the country. I hate to think we need to plan a special trip outside to visit a dominatrix (“outside” means Lower 48 in Alaska slang). I can’t imagine scheduling something like that when we’re on vacation visiting kids, family, and friends. Any suggestions?
Not Into Spanking
You didn’t screw up, NIS, your husband did—he’s the one who didn’t lay down his kink cards.
I find this bit absolutely astounding: You gave your husband permission to see a professional dominatrix—a permission slip that countless submissive married men would be thrilled to have—and he responded by placing conditions on you? His desire to include you is a good sign (he’s just that into you), but he’s either an ingrate or a bossy, passive-aggressive, domineering douchesub for responding like that. You’re in a better position to judge which one he is.
My advice: Stand your ground. He has your blessing to go get his spank on—on his own. The accommodation you’ve proposed is reasonable and generous, and he should be grateful. He doesn’t have to travel to the big city to see a pro with a fully tricked-out dungeon: Most sex workers are happy to indulge their clients’ milder kinks, and spanking—as opposed to flogging, caning, sandblasting, etc.—definitely qualifies as mild.
If you do find yourself in the Lower 48 and he wants to make an appointment with a pro, just tell your kids, family, and friends that you’re slipping out for a romantic meal. Accompany your husband to the studio, say hello to the nice dominatrix, and hand your husband over for punishment. Then you can retire to a nice restaurant and have the cocktail you deserve while your husband gets the spanking he deserves. And once your husband arrives, have that romantic meal.
I’ve been in a BDSM relationship for two years with an awesome top who respects my limits. Like most GGG lovers, there are things I hate and won’t do, and there’s stuff I don’t like much but I know he loves and I can put up with. One of these things is having his dick hit my cervix when we’re fucking: He loves it because it hurts, but it freaks me out because I’ve heard stories of women having their cervixes ruptured during sex. He assures me that won’t happen, but on at least two occasions I’ve bled so much that I thought my period had started. Am I right to be freaked for my cervix or is this okay?
Freaked By Bloody Sex
“Worrisome cervical damage, including cervical rupture during sexual intercourse between two healthy adults, is extremely unlikely,” said Nassim Assefi, an internist specializing in women’s health—as well as a writer, activist, and humanitarian aid worker. (Learn more about her superhuman kickassery at www.nassimassefi.com.) “Some caveats: This assumes no piercings of the penis (no spiky jewelry hitting the cervix), and this does not include rape of young girls, large-animal penis penetration of women, and use of foreign bodies (dildos and other objects much larger than human penises).”
Assefi adds that it’s not uncommon to have a little cervical bleeding after vigorous vaginal intercourse, FBBS, and I’ll add that a little bleeding—on occasion (birthdays, holidays, anniversaries)—can be normal after anal, too.
“However, bleeding—especially heavy bleeding like a period—may be a sign of a cervix made fragile by STIs, benign growths (polyps), precancerous conditions, or cancer, not to mention bleeding disorders. It’s worth getting a pelvic exam and talking to a health provider about the bleeding if you’re worried or the bleeding is heavy.”
Assefi sums it up: “Bonk the cervix if you and your partner get off on it. Just make sure you’re bonking a healthy cervix.”
I’m a 28-year-old gay man, living with my partner for two years. I’ve always been open about wanting to be tied up, spanked, maybe trussed up in leather bondage gear. He’s always been open about his reluctance to indulge me, saying he needs time to get used to it. I’m inclined to believe him, because it took him quite a while to get to the point of just being willing to strap me to the bed and jerk me. I’d like to explore some other aspects of my fetishes. He says we will but thinking about me in kinky gear makes him anxious.
We had a bit of an argument about this, and I’ve agreed to drop the subject of my kinks while we’re on vacation. He’s worth waiting for: We click emotionally, he’s sexy, I love his smell, we enjoy spending time together, I love the cuddles, we love each other madly, and the vanilla sex we have is great. So if he never got past this at all, it might not be a deal breaker, but I’m hoping you have some ideas about how to make it more fun and less stressful or off-putting for him.
Boyfriend Isn’t Necessarily
Delivering My Erotics
There’s one way you could make your kinks less stressful for your boyfriend: Outsource ’em.
Unlike straight married men who want to be tied up and spanked, BINDME, you wouldn’t have to pay (or travel) for it. The supply-and-demand problem that complicates the lives of so many kinky straight men—there are too many kinky men out there chasing too few kinky women—isn’t an issue for kinky gay men. Kinky gay men with vanilla partners have the option of jumping on Recon.com or other kink sites and finding a few bondage buddies, i.e., guys they get together with for free sex-free bondage sessions.
If your boyfriend doesn’t want to sign off on that, and you’re willing to hang in there, you should. A vanilla guy who’s strapping you to the bed at two years could be helping you pick out hardcore bondage gear for your wedding registry at four. It sounds like this relationship has a lot going for it, BINDME, so you might want to take his word for it when he says that he’ll get there for you.
It certainly won’t hurt to give the subject a rest over your vacation, particularly if you’ve been plaguing him about it recently. But let him know, post-vacation, that while you’re willing to be patient (you are being patient), you’re ultimately going to explore your kinks with him—your preferred option—or you’re going to need his permission to explore your kinks without him. But you’re not going to not explore your kinks.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@51: Yeah, if you look at anti-BDSM blogs, you’ll find a lot of debates between people who argue that BDSM is often just a cover for abuse, and people who say that BDSM is by definition consensual and non-abusive. I tend to think that the emphasis on communication and boundaries helps reduce abuse in BDSM relationships, but abuse can exist anywhere and it is definitely possible to take advantage of and abuse the power dynamics.
Re: abuse and BDSM
You need to be honest with yourself. You are the only judge of what turns you on and whether you feel the situation is wrong for you. Do you feel fulfilled by whatever complicated dynamic you have going on? This probably sounds simplistic but for others to pass judgement on your sex life is completely absurd. The LW would have to provide us with a novel to get at all the complexities and shifting emotions. Better that we stick to advice on whether bleeding is a medical problem or is your husband really gay or should I send a cock shot.
Mr. J, thanks for reminding us to stick with the letters as written. It’s far too easy (and sometimes fun) to start addressing concerns that aren’t voiced. But it does lead to some interesting discussions!
@Mr. I (#55), that was Styranka’s conclusion as well. I suppose it’s always possible for a sub to tell the difference: has your life gotten better, or worse, on account of your BDSM relationship? Do you feel better, more energetic, more capable of addressing the challenges of life, or less so? Do you feel that you’re growing, or not?
I suppose in principle it’s possible to know when you’re being satisfied and when you aren’t. But I realize that abuse masquerading as relationship (‘co-dependency’, ‘enabling’, etc.) abounds even in vanilla relationships were people are in principle supposed to be equals… the risk of falling into the trap of sacrificing too much for one’s dominant may be higher, and more difficult to avoid. At least a priori it would seem so.
Which is why I feel like asking any subs reading SLOG here: have you ever had any problems with dominants who asked too much, actually used or abused you in ways that s/he shouldn’t have? Was there evil intent, or was it ‘just a mistake’, or something in between?
Speaking for myself — I have little experience; only once was I in a BDSM relationship, and my experience was that the dominant was extra-careful to make sure everything had been OK after playing. I’ve heard similar things from other dominants online: the pleasurable reaction in the sub is such a turn-on, they want to make sure the sub is having fun, or else it doesn’t work for them, either. (I wasn’t ever part of the ‘BDSM scene’, so I only have my own personal experience to draw from.)
Have other subs had the same experience? Or a significantly different one?
Sexy-abuse vs. *abuse* abuse . . . food for thought.
Ankylosaur, I know exactly what you mean back in the second paragraph of #51.
@57 (ankylosaur):
I have only been in two lightly BDSM relationships, and avoid “scenes” like the plague (I really hate jargon), so I don’t feel like I have too much experience to draw from. But my current bf is a dom (not exclusively–just one of the gimmicks in our bag of tricks–but frequently), and he checks in to make sure I can take what he’s about to give. I feel very confident that should I need or really want something to stop, he’d stop instantly.
@56 nocutename
“But it does lead to some interesting discussions!”
Oh, yes! I just think some things are too complicated to answer. Those discussions (like this one, as people have repeatedly mentioned above) then become all about the baggage of commentors. That’s fun to talk about and to read about, but it’s not a basis for telling someone else that their sex life is right or wrong. It’s better to provide the LW with questions to ask themselves rather than make pronouncements about what “the answer” is. It’s okay to not have all the answers.
There’s a very simple way to determine whether your BDSM relationship is abusive or not: use your safeword.
If your top does not immediately stop and give you aftercare, or they stop but then say or do things to try to make you feel bad about using your safeword, then they’re being abusive.
Ankylosaur and nocutename:
I’m aware that subs will sometimes do things they don’t enjoy per se simply because the submission itself is a turn-on or a thrill – as a woman who’s been out as dominant for twenty years and regularly reads books and blogs on the subject of BDSM, I have a good handle on the nuances.
What I’m saying (for the third time now…) is that the letter-writer describes the cervix-bashing portion of her bedroom activities as a GGG act rather than a submissive act, and as “something she puts up with,” rather than a thrill/a turn-on/etc. (even an indirect one) – and this definitely leaves room for interpretations other than “She’s a sub so all of this is totally fine.”
Obviously the letter doesn’t give enough detail for us to definitively conclude anything, but it kinda makes my spider-sense tingle – and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.
@62 perversecowgirl
Yes, that’s reasonable. I wonder if you are using the same definition of GGG that others are. Sometimes that’s why we go in circles.
@55 because people are so honest with themselves…
Just as people can be in h ealthy or nonhealthy vanilla relationships, so can people be in healthy or nonhealthy BDSM relationships. And yes, the trappings of BDSM can make this more difficult to spot.
The ultimate determinator is whether or not you’re getting off (albeit indirectly) on the interactions, or if you think they’re something you deserve. But you have to be honest with yourself — and a lot of people aren’t, or don’t know what a healthy expression of sexuality is.
Complex, to be sure.
@61 indeed — and if your response is “what’s a safeword,” then get out. Or stop, do your homework, and think about it. Agh.
The problem of kinky men seeking kinky women is multiplied several hundred times over when it’s kinky women seeking kinky men because even those who are looking for a kinky woman somehow think that our kinkiness makes us some kind of a dreg of humanity… Hey guys, open your eyes to those of us who would LOVE to comply. Please leave your prejudice in your desk …
@62 (perversecowgirl),
yes, of course it’s OK if your spider sense goes off. That relationship may be bad — though the initial sentence of the letter, if taken at face value, suggests it isn’t. Maybe what she’s talking about is just like when I ask my wife to put up with science-fiction movies, which she doesn’t really enjoy, just because I like it — call it being GGG in your relationship, not only in your sex life. She does often comply (and sometimes even got pleasure from it, when the movie had other non-sci-fi elements she could relate to).
Being GGG means indulging your partner when you think you can do it — OK, you feel nothing for it, it’s at best boring, but you’ll try it for him/her (and who knows, maybe you’ll enjoy it — see past discussion of “poor darling” GGG vs. “adventurous” GGG).
This may be all that’s going on in FBBS’ relationship.
But then again maybe it isn’t — and that’s where your spider sense went off. Maybe because you’ve seen something weird in her letter. Or maybe because we tend to interpret a situation in which the man is hurting the woman as ‘traditional abuse’ and so we need an extra-double serving of ‘she is enjoying it’ before we decide it’s OK — what with the history of our civilization and so on.
So — it’s OK for your spider sense to go off. But it’s also OK that mine doesn’t. We’re historical beings. 🙂
Or, perversecowgirl, to put it succinctly: the fact that the LW described the cervix pain as a GGG act from her perspective may mean that that’s exactly what it is — a GGG act, no abuse. (Unless you think anyone who GGG-ly indulges a partner is being a little bit abused?)
I think the point is that, in a vanilla relationship, inflicting pain on a parter is a huge red flag. If it happens, everything should stop and the partners in question just ask each other, what the hell was that? What is going on? — before things can continue.
Not so in a BDSM relationship. Inflicting pain doesn’t have the same… meaning. The same red-flag-ishness, if you will.
BEG: ” But you have to be honest with yourself — and a lot of people aren’t, or don’t know what a healthy expression of sexuality is.”
Pre-CISE-ly.
You see, since being ‘abused’ is a turn-on in a BDSM relationship, even abuse abuse can feel, well, a little sexy. It’s bad and you’re suffering and you know it, and yet there still is ‘something good’ that keeps you thinking maybe it isn’t really a big problem, maybe everything is A-OK, it’s just you’re going through a phase, or… or… (Styranka had some such problems in the book I mentioned.)
So it may be difficult to be honest with oneself. I’ve always thought that the real measure of man (or woman 🙂 is whether or not s/he can really be honest with him/herself. How many of us can, really? How many of us deceive ourselves by adding just enough fantasy to reality to make it palatable?…
Chase: “use your safeword. If your top does not immediately stop and give you aftercare, or they stop but then say or do things to try to make you feel bad about using your safeword, then they’re being abusive.”
Indeed, that’s good advice. And yet it’s not entirely true, because danger is part of the attraction of BDSM… Remember movies like “9 1/2 weeks”, and “Last Tango in Paris”? There are BDSM equivalents, I’ll bet.
Mr. J: ” I just think some things are too complicated to answer. Those discussions (like this one, as people have repeatedly mentioned above) then become all about the baggage of commentors. That’s fun to talk about and to read about, but it’s not a basis for telling someone else that their sex life is right or wrong.”
Indeed, and that’s a very sobering statement, Mr. J. Ultimately we’re all alone, so you yourself have to ‘know’ whether your sex life is right or wrong. We as outsiders can give our impressions (based on whatever information you choose to disclose), but ultimately you’re the one who has to ‘know’ it.
I’ve seen apparently legit descriptions of BDSM couples in their own blogs about doing things I would never see myself doing — and yet the subs seemed to be thriving on it.
That’s the magic of BDSM, isn’t it? Things have to ‘look bad’ in order to feel good. So, with a game of mirrors, it’s easy to feel confused and not know if what looks bad is really good, or really bad, or something in-between — you lose your sense of proportion, your frame of reference. Like those little optical illusions that are visual paradoxes, you don’t know if what you’re seeing is what you’re seeing.
@60: That needs to be written at the top of every Savage Love comment thread in large letters.
@69 (BlackRose): Indeed. Let’s not cast the first stone.
It’s indeed OK not to have all the answers. Perhaps that’s part of what makes life interesting! 🙂
Somebody, PLEASE tell me what FBBS stands for. I’ve tried google, urban dictionary, etc. I still have no idea what the hell this means. Please help!
ankylosaur @57, my experience is:
one (4 year) relationship that was too wimpy for my taste (he was always checking nervously if I was happy);
one (six month, on and off) relationship that seemed too abusive (he often pushed past my expressed limits);
one (two day) interaction, where he assaulted me, and I figured that out the following day; and
one marriage that is going on 18 years and is close to just right. Our D/s styles aren’t perfectly aligned, but we get by. It helps that I’m now allowed to get delightful thuddy beatings from other people.
I do agree with what you wrote about safewords @67 – some people choose to use straightforward language, not safewords. And some interactions bring the sub to the point of not being able to safeword or even say no. Sometimes that’s the point. If both people are happy afterward, I don’t think it’s abuse.
@72 – FBBS means “Freaked By Bloody Sex” — it’s the signature of the second letter writer this week.
Ugh, that cervix question made my vagina hurt.
Hunter78, you may be right, and you may not be (re-read the first sentence of FBBS letter). I hope you aren’t, but you may be.
Take care.
The last thought expressed to BINDME was pretty alarming given that he had specifically said that failure to express that kink was not a deal-breaker. What gives, Dan?
Another reason to not trust people who live in Alaska…
“There are more kinky men than kinky women”
FAIL.
If you truly believe that, try BEING a domme, and trying to find a sub male. And to everyone who is doubtful of the inability to find one, there aren’t that many pro dommes anymore. REAL pro dommes have been replaced by tiny little girls hired by escort services to PRETEND to domme. This has led to an uprising of superficial, self-absorbed, top-from-the-bottom subbies. The standard of “beauty” nowadays isn’t exactly meant to appeal to sub men. Lord knows who it WOULD appeal to, other than latent pedophiles.
@77: What gives is that Dan is basically anti-monogamy, despite the occasional protests to the contrary.
@79 iDomme
Back in the day I noticed a high multiple of sub males to Dommes on alt dot com. At munches the Dommes were some seriously large ladies so the tiny girl thing doesn’t match up. I would have loved to find a Domme to submit to (I’m lookin’ at you perversecowgirl!). I’m a switch. For real. Are you going to make the same argument against switches that people make against bisexuals? I’m that too.
@80 Suzy
He’s not “anti” he’s just highly skeptical. Certainly he’s correct that there are loads of people who are not cut out for it yet think it’s “The Only Way.” Monogamy can work but it really shouldn’t be the default. It should be viewed as advanced sexuality, appropriate only for those few who can manage it.
@ Mr. l. Emphasis on ‘BACK IN THE DAY’.
@#81 Mrl
First of all, it doesn’t make any sense to make assumptions about how I feel about bisexual people and/or people who identify as “switch” based on my comment that, in the PROFESSIONAL industry, it seems that escort services are using the same tired old social restrictions to do the job, rather than using the type of woman to whom sub males tend to be attracted, as you yourself mentioned.
Also, Many of the profiles on those sites are fake, owned by pro subs, or owned by people who are in relationships. The pool may look large to you, but it isn’t, once you start talking to people.
But again, my comment referred to pro dommes, not the average dominant woman you might find at the average fet party. I will say that most fet parties, at least here in Canada, are not very receptive of female dominants.
I’m not a chronically inflexible, judgemental human being because I prefer smacking boys around to doing what I’m told, Mr. I. In fact I’m annoyed with the professional norm on behalf of sub males who have paid for an experience and been cheated out of it.
iDomme, this is just the slightest of quibbles, but it *is* bothering me, so what the heck, I’ll voice it: His name is Mr. J, not Mr. I.
@84 iDomme
The bi comment was in reference to an ongoing discussion around here as to the existence of bisexuals. It was tongue-in-cheek. The joke is that I’m doubly non-existent.
Yes, I am out of date and I was talking about amateurs. I agree about fake profiles and useless profiles of people who are spoken for. That’s one reason why I left that scene. Please understand that what attracts me is a powerful woman. If she’s built like the Michelin Man that’s a secondary consideration. Strength worthy of submitting to is in the mind.
I haven’t been to Canada but that sounds like a terrible waste. How do you account for that attitude?
As for fake girly dommes and fake subs bossing from the bottom, they deserve each other. It’s unfortunate that you have to wade through all that to find the real thing. I wish you well.
(My name is J as in Jacob. Thanks.)
Thank you, clashfan. You beat me there. Hmm. Is that a straight line I’m feeding you?
Mr. J and iDomme, you make me feel almost good that I never actually participated in ‘the scene’. I spent too long hiding, and whenever I found a play partner (alas, too infrequently) it was sheer luck.
Not that I have in principle anything against ‘the scene’, but the effect of residual (or not so residual) shame at my own kinks plus the fear of meeting the wrong people made me stay away from BDSM sites and fet parties. I never even tried to find information on them for real.
@88 – is it too late for you? An easy way to dip your toes in the water is to find out if there is a “munch” near you. That’s a regular meeting at a local restaurant, for anyone who is curious about BDSM. No play, just conversation and getting to know some of the people involved.
The advice leaves a married woman, alone in a hotel bar, sipping a martini waiting for her husband to finish up with his professionally administered sexual spanking. A very sad image.
Couldn’t finish the column — way too intense for my tastes, which are firmly in the sex = love camp.
@90: Why is that sad? It sounds hot to me.
@79: I don’t know anything about you other than what you posted. But based on your posts, I’m guessing the reason you’re having problems finding subs is that you expect them to fit your desires exactly, rather than communicate, what with language like “pretend to domme,” “superficial, self-absorbed, top-from-the-bottom subbies,” “latent pedophiles,” and the old fake-profile excuse. Just because a sub has preferences and boundaries, or likes a certain type of person, doesn’t mean he/she deserves your insults or chastisement. And you don’t get to say who is a “real” dom or sub.
@80: Yet in just this one column, Dan is inexplicably hostile towards a man who doesn’t feel like going outside for sex without his wife present, and then immediately recommends that the other guy go outside his relationship, which is not what the guy was even asking for, advice-wise. Maybe monogamy is “advanced” for many people, but for a couple married 19 years? Or a guy who directly states that failure to satisfy one of his kinks is not a dealbreaker for the relationship? The advice in these cases is all about basic hostility towards, or lack of understanding of, monogamy.
@93 Suzy
Now you are adding some nuance to your argument. Thank you. These are complex issues and I was reacting to your simplistic characterization @80. Calling Dan a hypocrite who pays a bit of lip service to monogamy is just wrong. Can we say that you are basically hostile to non-monogamy? If so, is the only alternative to your belief hostility to monogamy? I respect both ways depending on the people. What I have a problem with is individuals who combat their inner makeup based on societal expectations.
Mr. J (@94): Hear, hear!
@84/92 iDomme and Hunter
Good lord, what is this world coming to when I agree with Hunter! (Not the freudian shit)
As a ‘tiny’ girl who is very young looking I find it kind of offensive that you think the only men who are attracted to me are ‘latent pedophiles’.
In short: stop being a hater.
I can understand that you’re annoyed that clientelle (evidently like Mr. J) who would prefer you are ending up with ‘fake dommes’ who aren’t to their taste, but that’s no reason to go around insulting other sex workers for their build or appearance.
Aaaand re: monogamy. I think monogamy is challenging (lots of rewarding things are challenging) and people who don’t REALLY want to engage in it shouldn’t have to pretend they do. I think people should be willing to ‘come out’ as nonmonogamous and that’s great. BUT I think another significant impediment to monogamy that isn’t so cool is huuuge entitlement and selfishness. As in, I want a woman who is faithful to me but I don’t want to have to be faithful to her.
Being mongamous with a partner? Great.
Being honest with a partner that you can’t be monogamous and working it out from there? Also great.
Lying so that you can have your cake and eat it to? Not good.
@97 mydriasis
That’s a great comment. Can I just clarify that I don’t prefer iDomme’s body type over yours. My point was that body type is secondary to gravitas. Tiny girls like you are hot.
Again, it’s too bad the “furry play handcuff” set are such a nuisance to pro Dommes. But with the internet cataloging pretty much anyone who wants to be found I don’t get how that couldn’t be sorted out.
The woman who doesn’t want to see her husband spanked could do as I do when I need to “watch” my children in one of their various and sundry summer classes. Just sit there and read a magazine, but look up every once in a while and say, “Great job, honey” or “Woo-hoo!” Everyone’s happy.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
need advice, cant wait. i am a married woman with 3 kids. my husband hardly ever intiates sex although hes into it when i do. we have talked about and he has various excuses, and things never change. he seems fine with how things are, but i am hurt and want my needs met
i have discovered anonymous chatting and have been having super hot cybersex. I know he would be devastated and disgusted if he found out. can i just keep this as my private hobby?
@100
You can try but they always find out. More importantly, you don’t feel good about what you’re doing. Have you told him that from your perspective your previous talks produced only “excuses” from him? Ask him what constructive thing you should be doing about your sex life.
@100: If your husband is receptive consistently when you initiate sex, initiate sex more often. It’s a pain that you have to do that, I understand (I’ve certainly been there, as have many men I know), but if your husband still turns you on and he’s still happy to give you some when you want it, I see no reason to go looking elsewhere, since your relationship is ostensibly closed.
Re Mr. J/iDomme/mydriasis: I’ll speak up as the boyfriend of a petite woman who, because of her natural and healthy body type, is frequently told that she “isn’t a real woman.” It’s ridiculous, and plays into all her physical insecurities. I understand that big women get it much worse, I really do. And we absolutely need to embrace a wider range of healthy and sexy body types as a society. But I don’t see why we can’t do that without putting other people down. For her to be told she looks “anorexic,” “like a 12 year old girl,” or that she can’t be beautiful because she’s 5’2″ and wears 00 jeans is just as ridiculous as telling an average sized woman that she can ONLY be beautiful if she’s tiny.
@100 – it is possible, assuming that you guys have been married quite a few years, that he is just a little bored with your sex together. It’s good sex, but lacks that spark of excitement from the early years. If so, then telling him that you think about other men, even that you’ve started chatting with other men — that might bring the excitement back to your sex life with your husband. Can you start small, by telling him that you’re thinking about going to chat rooms, and seeing how he reacts? (Not just what he says, but also how his dick reacts to your “fantasy”…)
@102
I’ve gotten a lot of that too. I know it’s a lot of backlash and defensiveness against the prejudice against overweight people but two wrongs don’t make a right. I’m sure you’re girlfriend’s a babe. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Ankylosaur:
Or, perversecowgirl, to put it succinctly: the fact that the LW described the cervix pain as a GGG act from her perspective may mean that that’s exactly what it is — a GGG act, no abuse.
I don’t see abuse in the letter…never did. My assertion is that it seems likely that the letter-writer is a martyr who can’t bring herself to say “I don’t like this and don’t want to do it anymore” and is instead looking for outside confirmation that it’s okay to say “stop”.
To me the letter reads like this:
“I’m in a BDSM relationship with an amazing top who respects my limits. He likes to pound my cervix because it hurts me, and actually I really don’t like it but I want to be a good sub so I’ve never said anything about it. However, it hurts like a motherfucker and I’ve actually bled from it. Amazingly, my dom still wants to pound my cervix despite all the bleeding, although in fairness I never did tell him that I hate it…anyway, Dan, I’d love it if you gave me some medical reason why I shouldn’t get cervix-bashed. That way I can tell my dom ‘no’ without feeling like I’m being selfish or mean.”
The things that trigger my spider-sense in this regard are:
1) She specifically mentions she’s being GGG. The fact that she doesn’t like the cervix bashing isn’t technically relevant to her question; she could just as easily have said “I’m in a BDSM relationship and sometimes we have rough cervix-bashing sex. Is that going to injure me?” But she specifically mentioned that she’s doing it for her partner’s sake. So the self-sacrifice aspect is clearly on her mind.
2) “…I’ve heard stories of women having their cervixes ruptured during sex. He assures me that won’t happen, but on at least two occasions I’ve bled so much that I thought my period had started.” …This sounds to me like she’s hinted to her dom that she wants the cervix-bashing to stop (by saying she’s afraid of rupturing) and he glossed right over her concerns. It also sounds like she feels her fear and pain aren’t valid reasons to stop in and of themselves, so she makes a point of mentioning the bleeding as kind of a defensive measure…something to let Dan and his audience know that she’s not just being paranoid.
Now, it’s possible that her partner is manipulative and abusive and that’s why she’s unable to straight-up tell him “no”. But it’s equally possible that she got tangled up inside her own head without any outside help at all. Most women are socialized to put the needs of others before their own, and she’s a sub on top of that, so…yeah.
(Unless you think anyone who GGG-ly indulges a partner is being a little bit abused?)
Not at all – but I believe Dan defines GGG as doing things you’re indifferent about for your partner’s sake, not doing things you actually hate. “Not into it” plus “hurts” plus “makes me afraid that my insides will rupture” seems pretty far beyond indifferent, to me.
p.s. Personally, one little knock in the cervix hurts so much that I cry, immediately and profusely, and usually I’m still sore the day after. I don’t know how anyone could get pounded until they bled without passing out or throwing up. This chick must be made of steel.
I would have loved to find a Domme to submit to (I’m lookin’ at you perversecowgirl!).
Well hellooooo, Mr.J. How YOU doin’? 😀
re: availability of male subs vs. female dommes: I don’t know the actual statistics; maybe there are more subs than dommes out there, maybe not. I do know that a lot of guys who identify as submissive are conflicted about their desires and chicken out before I’ve gotten to play with them. Many more seem to want to play immediately, with no preamble, and when I’ve said that I wanted to go for coffee and discuss our wants/needs/limits first, they were like “fuck this, that’s too much work” so we never met in person. Still other purported “subs” are not so much submissives as sexual tourists wanting to “do kinky stuff” so they can feel all cool and experienced. I’ve played with several of these in the past. It was unsatisfying.
A lot of my problems in this regard come from me being kind of a cougar – I’m sure older guys are more likely to have their shit together, know what they want, and understand the value of upfront negotiation. Nonetheless, in BDSM as in dating, I don’t think anyone ever has an easy time of it. Finding a compatible partner is just…hard.
@105: You’re biased by your own attitude towards cervical stimulation. It’s really painful for some women, really pleasurable for others, and a whole range in between. It’s really really painful for you, but it’s possibly only mildly painful, or a good kind of pain, for her: all she says is “he loves it because it hurts.”