Three months ago, I met a woman who I’m really into physically, emotionally, and mentally. She’s someone I could see myself with. Problem is, when we started having sex, she insisted on a condom for birth control. I haven’t worn one in probably eight or nine years. (I’m 33 now.) I would be hard, then put on the condom and start having sex, and go limp because of the feel. This happened many times over the first couple months, leading to frustration on both our parts. She went on the pill a couple weeks ago to deal with the issue, but now I’ve got a mental issue going on and still go limp once we start having sex. As soon as I get inside her, it’s all I think about and things turn to shit. I feel like it’s not a physical problem, as it hasn’t happened before, so I’m not sure that drugs would even work. I don’t know what to do. It’s at the point of ruining this relationship.
Futile Limp-Ass Cock Is Dreadful
Before I get to your question, FLACID, I wanna pull rank—it’s my column, people—and briefly mention the staggeringly amazing thing that happened two weekends ago while I was in New York: the 8:00 p.m. performance of The Book of Mormon at the Eugene O’Neill Theater on the Saturday of Pride weekend. I didn’t think it was possible, but Trey Parker, Robert Lopez, and Matt Stone’s brilliant new musical about well-intentioned Mormons on a mission exceeds the hype. It’s the funniest, dirtiest, smartest thing that this showqueen has ever seen on Broadway.
Yeah, yeah, something else happened in New York while I was in town: A bill legalizing same-sex marriage was approved by the state legislature, and signed by Governor Andrew Cuomo, the night before we saw The Book of Mormon. And, hey, being in New York for the marriage-equality victory was nice. It was great. But The Book of Mormon—holy shit!
Okay, FLACID, if your dick goes limp once you put it inside her, stop putting it inside her. Just for now. Have oral sex, masturbate together, have lots of imaginative, nonpenetrative sex, all the while paying careful attention to her vulva, clit, orgasms, etc. A few dozen successful, low-stress sexual encounters with your girlfriend should help break the association your dick has made with her and failure. Good luck.
Yay, we won gay marriage in New York. I’m so happy, I could cry. But not tears of joy. Here’s the deal: I support gay marriage. I’m a freakin’ lesbian. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We live together. We’re the proud parents of the two cutest dogs ever. We suffer through each other’s families, and we’re treated as a married couple for all intents and purposes by everyone in our lives. I’ve made passionate speeches to friends and family members about the importance of gay marriage. So in 30 days, we can get married in New York. Everyone will expect us to get married. But I don’t want to. I’m happy in my relationship, I have no plans to leave, but I don’t want to be married. I think part of the strength of our relationship comes from being together because we want to in the moment, not because we promised to in a moment that has long passed. How do I tell my partner and everyone else that I love her with all my heart but don’t want to marry her? Or anyone else, ever?
Defense Of Marriagephobic Asshole
Same-sex marriage is legal in New York, DOMA, not compulsory. But instead of telling your partner that you don’t want to marry her, or anyone else, ever, tell her you need time. This freedom is new, hard-won, and not going anywhere. There’s no rush to commit to committing, DOMA, and no rush to commit to never committing. And you might want to ask your girlfriend how she feels. If she hasn’t been dropping hints, picking out china, or proposing, it’s possible that she feels just as conflicted or ambivalent about marriage as you do.
I’ve just ended a four-year relationship with a great man who didn’t lay his kink cards on the table until way too late. He’s your typical straight guy with a she-male fetish. Apparently, the dom pegging I provided wasn’t enough, because I found a secret e-mail account where he was soliciting she-male escorts. I’m genuinely more pissed that he didn’t tell me he wanted to explore this—real cock—and didn’t give me the opportunity to make his fantasy fit into our life together. I can’t tell if any of these escorts ever met with him, and in usual hetero-male fashion, he is mortified that I know about his darkest cock-fetish secret at all. So my question is this: As a GGG girlfriend who would honor just about any fantasy, is this secret search for a stranger the betrayal I think it is? I get it that our play isn’t the same as the real thing, but isn’t cheating cheating?
Willing But Not Enough
The snooping-is-wrong absolutists will shit themselves if “snooping is wrong” doesn’t appear somewhere in this response. So here it is, gang, right at the top. Heck, I’ll toss it out again—”snooping is wrong”—even though I disagree. No long-term relationship is snoop-free, just as no long-term relationship is lie-free, porn-free, or thinking-about-fucking-someone-else-while-I’m-fucking-you free. And when a little snooping uncovers something like this, well, it’s retroactively self-justifying.
On to your question, WBNE: Your ex’s secret search is the betrayal that you think it is. No question. Cheating is cheating, and the kind of cheating your ex was engaged in or contemplating amounts to a Very Serious Betrayal. He put you at risk of acquiring a sexually transmitted infection*, assuming he saw a sex worker, or he was thinking about putting you at risk, assuming he was about to. And it was all so unnecessary: He had a GGG girlfriend who he could’ve opened up to about his secret kink. He could’ve negotiated a deal that allowed him to explore this without betraying you or putting you at risk. But he didn’t ask for permission because he was deeply ashamed, first, and terrified of losing you, second. And now he’s really got something to be ashamed of—the lying and sneaking around—and he’s lost you. Unless…
Unless you can find it in your heart to forgive him.
His kink cards are faceup on the table now; you know his deepest, darkest sexual fantasies, and, more importantly, he knows you know. Yes, he betrayed you, but forgiveness is meaningless if it’s limited to trifles and never comes after a Very Serious Betrayal. If his kink is something you would’ve signed off on had he gone about things differently, perhaps you could take him back on the condition that he go about things—finding things, sucking things, getting fucked by things**—very, very differently from now on.
*I’m not saying that a man who visits a sex worker is automatically going to get a sexually transmitted infection; a good sex worker is typically more thoughtful about sexual safety than your average freebie slut. But outside sexual contact is outside sexual contact. Whomever it involves, it involves risk for the insider back at home, and it should be disclosed and discussed in advance.
**I’m not calling MTF sex workers “things.” I’m calling their things things.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
What the…?? The writer of the second letter sure doesn’t sound, “conflicted or ambivalent about marriage,” to me; she sounds like she has a very clear understanding of her feelings about it. What she said about staying together because you want to, rather than because of how you felt at some point in the past made perfect sense to me.
And in what possible sense is she not “committed,” in her relationship of ten years? Dan says marriage is not now “compulsory,” but he seems to be talking about committment not being compulsory, not marriage, and it looks to me like this woman is as committed as it gets. She wasn’t asking how to avoid committing. She wanted to know what to say when people assumed, like Dan does, that a couple isn’t truly legit unless they’re married. It’s a reasonable question, and she didn’t get an answer yet.
First! Recycled LOTD!
I haven’t seen it, and I probably won’t, since I live in Europe. But I wished I could. I’ve read descriptions, and it looks wonderful.
One question I have about Trey Parker and Matt Stone, though. Ever since their South Park episode on the Mormons, I got the impression they are much more respectful of Mr Joseph Smith’s religion than of any other — oh, they certainly criticize it, too but they don’t do things to Mormonism like the ones they did to Catholicism (the Virgin Mary bleeding from her ass, for instance). Do they really respect Mormonism more than any other religion? Why don’t they use their particularly scatological kind of humor (which was absent in their Mormon South Park episode, and also is in the Book of Mormon) when discussing Mormons? What gives?
Just because DOMA isn’t interested in marriage doesn’t mean she’s not “committed”, Dan! Ten years and “suffering through families” sounds pretty committed to me. Marriage doesn’t have to be the ultimate in a committed relationship, for gays and straights alike.
Hey DOMA — being married doesn’t change the fact that you stay, each day, because you decide to stay, that day. I mean, sure, divorce is a bit of a hassle, but so is dividing up the property & pets, and you’re already facing that bit of friction if you decide to walk. Of course you don’t have to get married, but it’s a happy way to bring all the people you love together for a fun party.
And I say that as someone who is reluctantly dealing with the fact that her husband of 15 years now has a girlfriend.
I had a first date the other night that was derailed by the man’s admission that he was into she-males. While I don’t think small talk over a Blooming Onion was the ideal time to bring it up, I’m glad now that I heard it then instead of four years in under these circumstances.
If I could punch someone for every time I heard a transgender lady being referred to as a she-male…ugh. But then again, you hear all sex workers being referred as whores or hookers and I’m sure those women don’t like it either. So people are assholes who demean sex workers and transwomen working in the sex industry. Why am I surprised?
Hey, DOMA, marriage isn’t compulsory for straights, either. For a variety of reasons – tax advantages, personal property issues, and a lack of desire to be in a relationship where the terms are decided for us – the BF and I (straight couple) have decided that marriage is probably not our best choice. You’re going to get the questions no matter what you do, but if you’re committed to the relationship, but not sold on legal marriage, and are willing (totally up to you)…think about having a commitment ceremony. The BF and I are doing this soon, with careful explanation to our friends and family that this is all about formalizing our commitment to each other without some legal issues we’re not willing to deal with. Yes, many of our family members (not so much friends, but a few of them as well) are still wondering why we won’t take the plunge, and we will have to continue to explain to them that legally and financially it doesn’t make sense for us to get married officially. But it’s ultimately about what works best for us, and whatever you decide about what works best for you…emotionally, financially, legally…whatever. It’s your decision and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that, no matter what other people think.
@7 EricaP
“And I say that as someone who is reluctantly dealing with the fact that her husband of 15 years now has a girlfriend.”
I know you have your reasons for doing so. Please follow up with them for both our and your benefit.
@11 I doubt people are interested in the details of why I love my husband enough to put up with a certain amount of pain. You are also staying with your spouse, despite a certain amount of pain. My point, for the purposes of responding to DOMA, is that even as a long-married person, I still feel that I am making a decision to stay. Sometimes that decision is easy, and sometimes it’s hard.
@10 I personally don’t think that commitment ceremonies are a good idea because they seem to be pseudo-weddings. If you’re not getting married, why do you need a wedding?
@13, totally an individual choice. In our case, we would LIKE to get married, but it doesn’t make sense to do so. We would pay $8K in additional federal taxes, and even more in additional local taxes. We would be at a serious disadvantage in dealing with some personal property we own individually. We each come to this relationship with assets that we want to dispose of in the way we choose, and that would be harder under the proscribed methods of a formal marriage than as single people. For us, it IS our wedding, because we’re likely never going to be at a point where it makes financial sense to get married, barring some serious legislation. For others it might make sense for other reasons to formalize their relationship in ways outside of the fully legal marriage situation, up to and including personal preference. Just suggesting another option. People can take it or leave it as they prefer.
@9: thank you! that was precisely my thought when reading that terrible, demeaning (hyphenate) word. MTFs are women. they are women. they may be women who happen to have penises, but they are women.
(incidentally, i dated a sex-worker who preferred the term whore, as it was once a reverential term. but i suspect that it isn’t widely embraced by sex-worker communities)
DOMA, you seem to be conflating the two discussions or non-discussions you need to have. The first is with your girlfriend. You’ve been together 10 years. Does she know how you feel about marriage, or have you been operating under the “I’d marry you if I could” banner and now she reasonably expects you to want to get married? In any case, if you two are as close a committed couple as you say, you should be able to tell her that you are concerned that marriage would change the fantastic relationship that you have, and you don’t want to marry. She may or may not agree or understand, but that is a conversation you need to have.
The other conversation is with everyone else, and is unnecessary. Your mother may want you to get married; all your friends or relatives may expect you to get married. But your decision to marry or not doesn’t need approval, defense, or justification. You don’t owe the world an explanation.
@9: A preoperative male-to-female individual is someone who is a “she” but with “male” parts. It’s a crude term, but it is accurate.
I understand that transsexual people face a lot of harassment, transphobia, and discrimination, but they have bigger fish to fry than the word “shemale”.
@ 4 (Ankylosaur): possibly because they have more intimate familiarity with it? I’m ex-mormon and I thought it was pretty good. I’m betting they didn’t want to exaggerate it too much because it’s stupid enough on its own.
My Mormon father was offended (and he “secretly” likes South Park), so I say mission accomplished.
@16 FTW.
And Dan’s advice was ridiculous. “I need more time”??? After living together for 10 years? I suspect Dan was being sarcastic. “I need more time” now almost universally means “I don’t want to marry you”. What you should be having is a discussion — with your girlfriend. I realize that you’re afraid of it, but it will get worse if you postpone it.
And: you’re not an asshole. My partner of 9.5 years and I don’t want to get married mainly for the same reason you cited. We think it’s a very strong reason. So, you’re not alone.
Hey! I hope everybody saw the write-up about Dan in Sunday’s N.Y. Times Magazine. Last time I checked, there were more than 600 comments. I’ve barely begun to read them.
If you’re interested, you can find it here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/03/magazi…
The link does work. It just doesn’t all show.
Totally off topic. Idle thoughts in the middle of the night. I don’t know if it also applies to gays or people in general, but many women complain of men unwilling to commit in a relationship. Does anybody know if it is more or less of a problem/issue in open or poly relationships? Can anyone in an open or poly relationship really expect long term commitment to the relationship? In today’s world, I often wonder about just how committed men (or women for that matter) to any relationship.
Excluding fetishists, who enjoy actually enjoy/crave being one, do women actually understand the humiliation associated with being a cuckold since there really isn’t a female equivalent. It still such a derogatory and derisive term. Women who are cheated on are granted sympathy, support, and victim status. Men are more likely to be ridiculed, behind their backs if not to their faces. The impact it has on a man’s self esteem and self image. One of the added benefits of cheating with a married woman or one in a committed relationship.
@6, 7, 11 (EricaP),
I’m sad to hear you had to face such a difficult decision, and I hope it is the best one for you.
Take care.
@ 9 and 17:
I think there are significant distinctions between all these various terms, with “she-male” meaning something quite specific. Perhaps Dan would correct this or elaborate at some point. (Pre-op vs. Post-op.)
“Transgender” or “Transexual” mean that the gender is either literally reassigned, either through actual medical procedures, or the permanent wish to do so. “She-male” is not related to this.
“Transvestite” is very different – just a biological male that dresses in typically female clothing, as well as usually hair-style, and make-up. This individual might or might not be gay at all.
“She-male” is a special sub-category of transvestite, associated with sex work, in which the penis is likely desired by the client (as in WBNE’s ex, above, who fantasizes and perhaps desires to be fucked BY the she-male.) Therefore, an authentic transgender person would probably have little to do with the “she-male” phenomenon and not often have an issue with the term.
A “Tranny” is a broader sub-category of transvestite, in which it a more general feminine “passable” identity is assumed, and probably a sex-worker. The client would more likely want to fuck the tranny than be fucked by her.
And finally, a “drag queen” is simply a performer, a female-impersonator, that may or may not be gay.
(If I am off-base in these, please have at me! Not literally of course…)
@19: “And Dan’s advice was ridiculous. “I need more time”??? After living together for 10 years? I suspect Dan was being sarcastic.”
Actually, I think his comment was spot-on. Marriage just wasn’t a possibility for queers until relatively recently. The belief that marriage equality is something to be won, and the in-the-bones belief that one can actually get married, are to my mind not the same thing.
I never, ever expected to be able to get married — and then we moved to Canada. It didn’t matter that we’d been together 15+ years and already felt “married” and “everyone” knew we were together; it was still something to be mulled over. (And, for the record: being legally married was so different than I ever imagined. Our relationship changed qualitatively — for the better, I might add. But, of course, your mileage may vary . . .)
DOMA – zzzzzzz. Seriously? Welcome to life. Everyday, millions of people make choices and decisions about their lives and sometimes these decisions are about whether or not they want to spend their lives with another.
I get the impression that it is the lies that are more troubling. So, you’ve been crowing to anyone who’d listen that you wanted to get married and blah, blah, blah but now that the road is free and clear to do so, you have to now act without a net, so to speak.
Time to grow up, honey, and say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s a trait that is rare but boy, is it valuable!
You mention the possibility of an STI to WBNE, but not a word about it to FLACID, who hasn’t used a condom in 9 years and complains about his new girlfriend wanting to use ’em??
@26 —
You ninny, DOMA hasn’t been crowing that she wanted to get married. She’s been passionately defending marriage equality. Huge difference, duh.
@24 I would say not necessarily. Your post seems to assume the only reason a genderqueer or transgender woman would want to keep her penis, but have top surgery and otherwise appear female, is to become a niche sex worker, which is not true, although that perception isn’t helped by the fact that the only terms to specifically describe such a person, rather than a person at any other stage/type of transition, are steeped in porn/sex work.
I truly doubt someone who doesn’t identify as AT LEAST genderqueer, if not exactly trans, would do everything to their bodies that is required to become a “shemale” or a “chick-with-dick”– top surgery, hormones, et cetera, not to mention take on the very real risk all trans people face of some dumbass in your life finding out and beating the shit out of you.
Maybe she doesn’t identify as fully female, maybe she keeps it as kind of a “fuck you” to the gender binary, maybe she’s afraid of the surgery (I mean, think about what it is!), maybe she just likes her penis. I’m sure an actual trans person could come up with more.
Also, I’ve always assumed that “tranny” and “shemale” were roughly equivalent.
@ 22 – “Excluding fetishists, who enjoy actually enjoy/crave being one, do women actually understand the humiliation associated with being a cuckold since there really isn’t a female equivalent. It still such a derogatory and derisive term. Women who are cheated on are granted sympathy, support, and victim status. Men are more likely to be ridiculed, behind their backs if not to their faces. The impact it has on a man’s self esteem and self image. One of the added benefits of cheating with a married woman or one in a committed relationship.”
What planet are you on? Women have to put up with looking life fools because of the generally accepted notion that men need to “sow their wild oats” and women are just supposed to “put up with it.” Most men will get upset when wife fucks someone else – completely missing the reality because they are so caught up with their emotions (yes, men ARE more emotionally volatile than women, indeed, and anyone who wants to “argue” that hasn’t been keeping up) that a mindful relationship which has little to do with sex is much more of a threat than any sexual one could be.
It is curious how there are so many women who are willing to “forgive” a man’s philandering (because they know that sex is sex) yet men will turn their back on a decades long partnership if they found their wives doing the same. To men, emotions and sex are the same thing and this whole “love and leave ’em” malarky is simply a defence mechanism to allow themselves the time to get away because they do become attached so quickly. Curiously, if one were to ask a cheating man if what they’ve done with that woman who isn’t their partner is anything more than “just sex” they’d say, “no, it was just sex.” Ask them how they would see the event if their partners had an evening of “just sex” and the tune changes.
Again, I don’t know what planet you’re on but being classed as a “victim” and one in need of “support” is pretty embarassing, to say the least. How would you like it if, just because of your sex, it was assumed that you would take your partner back or accept and put up with your partner’s cheating? That is what women are “expected” to do everyday a man’s cheating is exposed. Women are expected to “salvage the relationship” and this becomes much, much worse when there are children involved. Heaven forbid a woman dump a cheating partner and leave the kids “fatherless!” And, you think that isn’t humiliating!
You asked whether or not women actually understand what it feels like to be “cuckolded!” You are obviously NOT a woman because if you haven’t noticed, men are much more likely to cheat than women are in a relationship and men are granted a “hero” status when they do so.
You mentioned what it does to a man’s self image and esteem. It wouldn’t “do” anything if men saw their partners as lovers and friends and not property or some “thing” to be possessed. THAT is where the whole “damage to the self-esteem” comes from. In fact, a man will put his pride and how he “appears” to others well before saving any relationship and that includes a relationship where children are involved. Actually, there are few more annoying things in life than a man who is more concerned with “how he appears to others” than the commitment he has placed on his relationship.
And, you can’t see how women have known what it feels like to be “cuckolded” since the beginning of time? Men get off relatively easy when it comes to the “cheating” stakes. Women, in general, lose a hell of a lot more – their dignity, the security of knowing they are dealing with an honest person, their self esteem (which comes from a different well than that of men when it comes to relationships).
If these men you describe would be true to their own words and see sex just as sex and not confuse it with their emotions, then they would lose very little. In fact, generally speaking – and ALL of what I’ve written IS “generally speaking” – a man would have an easier time salvaging his relationship (if he gave a damn about it, that is) if his partner had only “just had sex.” Women tend to have sex for very different reasons to men and are quite easy to please (no matter WHAT men try to say to complicate life and others). A woman will respond to caring and support much more readily than the average, generally speaking, man. When a woman “cheats” it doesn’t mean the end of a relationship but so many men will end it just because of their stupid pride – and they will do so no matter how much they “love” their partner. Hence the reason why there are more men who cheat on their partners than women but the gap in numbers is steadily closing.
AND, most societies are so backwards that they even have to give a man who accepts his wife/partner’s cheating a “name.” It is called being cuckolded. Women DO NOT have that luxury. They’re just called mugs or idiots when they try to save their relationships because it IS more important than their partner’s philandering.
By the way, and even if anyone “disagrees” with anything else I’ve written, this is fact: for most women, it is never about “the cheating” but the lying. Lie to a woman and your days a numbered. Yet, men do it everyday and they do it as if it were a “joke.” It’s real life, boys and you only get one shot at it. If you have to lie to your partner then you aren’t with the right person and it’s time to move on. Men think it’s about them fucking around. Nope – it’s about the lying. Always has been and always will be. Yes, there will be some fools who will “argue” this point but at some point in their lives, they will learn, “oh, yes, it IS about the lying and I would have saved myself a lot of trouble by simply being honest.”
After all, it IS “just sex.”
@ Frederica, I find it a little annoying how you state that anyone arguing any of your points must be a fool or from another planet. There’s a couple of logic flaws in your post, but they’re a little hard to isolate in your wall o’ text.
FLACID needs to grow the hell up! Men who whine like little babies over having to use condoms with NEW partners are self-indulgent children. I’d dump any man who had a problem with using them. Mercifully, all of my sexual partners have been grown ups who knew that if they didn’t wear that condom they weren’t having sex with me. Now, in the UK, there are a lot of men who actually think their dicks have some sort of force field around them that protects them from disease. Men who don’t use condoms are just gross and I wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole. They are saying to the world, “I’ve put my dick in places where I care so little about my body that I’ve most likely picked up a few STDs here and there and now I want YOU to have sex with me.” Er, no. It’s a huge turn off.
If you don’t have enough sense and self respect to protect your own body – let alone your partner’s – then you shouldn’t be having sex at all.
If you’re a man and you can’t get used to using a condom, then you ought not to be having sex. That, or “save yourself for marriage” so others don’t have to put up with your bullshit.
I make the “male assumption” that if a guy doesn’t want to use a condom then his dick is automatically STD laden. Hey, if he isn’t using a condom with me then you KNOW he isn’t using one with anyone else. Yuck. (“male assumption” meaning that dreary notion of the unenlightened man that if a woman has sex with him as a one night stand then she “must do it with everyone.” No, boys, that woman may be only doing it with YOU but not using a condom is self explanatory.)
This guy needs to practice, practice, practice with getting used to using a condom and get over the whole “psychological” thing he’s convinced himself actually exists.
It’s very selfish to expect one’s partner to expose themselves to whatever you’ve picked up simply because you’re not grown up enough to use a condom. As long as YOU “get off” who cares if your partner is laying their paranoid about your disease infested dick, eh? Yep, the anxiety of wondering whether or not one is getting a dose of Chlamydia (no symptoms) or Gonorrhea or Syphillis or Herpes is REALLY relaxing and orgasm inducing. Ha, ha, ha, ha…
Kids!
@ 22 – there isn’t a generally accepted word for a female cuckold because until very recently nobody gave a rat’s ass about women’s feelings about it. just some mysteriously malevolent poetic “woman scorned” force. it is hugely painful and humiliating.
@ 31 – Don’t care, honey. Go and have some life experiences and stop thinking the rest of the world cares about your “annoyances.”
It’s life – those in your immediate surroundings are most likely very concerned, indeed, if you are “annoyed” with something but the rest of the world is much too busy getting on with their own “annoyances.” What? Did you think there’d be some soothing words to “make you feel better?”
Nope, you need to figure out your own ways of “feeling better” – in the same way that everyone else on this Earth must do the same.
This is the first time I’ve read ANY replies to any of my posts so consider yourself granted a crumb of attention that I bothered dropping a line at all.
You, like anyone else, can read my posts and take them on board or ignore them. Simple.
This thread cracks me up the way so many on here take is SO “seriously.”
Like it’s some little world where they have status on the proverbial totem pole. Sorry, folks, such is life that anyone can post and you have the right to agree or disagree but to get “annoyed” is simply a waste of time and energy.
Geesh, if someone’s piddly comment makes you so “annoyed” then you must walk around looking for a constant stream of petty nuisances and annoyances to match your inner landscape. Words to think about. Disagree, argue it in your head but by golly, don’t bother with being “annoyed” for there will be a multitude of other experiences in life that will be more in need of that precious energy than wasting it on being “annoyed.”
I’m gone now so don’t bother replying unless you want the cheap jolly of “having the last word” – yep, there are plenty like that – because it makes no difference to me.
I love that gay people in New York are finally going through what we straight people in New York have endured for decades- marriage pressure. Now that you can get married, everyone is going to look at you and wonder when you are getting married. If you’ve been with the same person for a few years, the expectation will build and build. If you don’t get married to someone you’ve been with for a while people will treat you like you’re abusing their trust, stringing them along. Get used to hearing the phrase “shit or get off the pot”. Parents now have something new to guilt you with. It will infect all aspects of your life. You can’t get away from it. Welcome to our world suckas!
Ms Erica, sorry about your difficulty.
Ms D, It would seem that DOMA’s problem lies more in the promise than the legality. A commitment ceremony can be exactly what suits many people best, but it might be the worst outcome for DOMA.
Ms Cute, while DOMA might have been not entirely serious, I suspect that their families may well expect them to marry without either side liking the idea much. I’d point out gently that one item on the pro-marrying list is that it prevents a not-really-all-THAT-supportive family from yielding to the temptation of Challenging the Will. I don’t urge either course, but it is a consideration.
Also: didn’t a recent LW get majorly dinged for calling himself a parent to a dog? Why no such disapproval here – female LW? coupled LW? some sign that her not wanting to marry and her views on pets seem well suited?
ankylosaur@23 – let me rephrase. This week, the hardest thing about staying with my husband is that he has a girlfriend, and I am feeling jealous of his intimacy with her. Other weeks, there have been other difficult things to face. What I want from him is that he spend time with me and feel close to me. So – I also miss him when he’s spending time with guy friends, or spending time working crazy hours at work, or just has his head down checking messages when I want his full attention.
I don’t want to trade him in for another person who might have fewer distractions; I want him. Every day. That’s how I know that I’m staying. The open marriage just adds a level of annoyance because I can’t talk about my feelings with my friends & family. Our culture says I should make him choose between me and his girlfriend. But I don’t want to force him to give up his new fun, I just want to stop hurting. My life experiences tell me that time and staying busy will help with the pain.
And in the meantime, I am saying to DOMA and to Ola @19 that getting married wouldn’t make you irrevocably bound to each other, any more than getting a dog together means that. Also @22, being in an open relationship doesn’t mean you are looking to leave. In any long-term relationship, monogamous or not, living together or apart, married or not – each person will find times when it doesn’t feel like bliss. During those hard times, either your shared history and love keeps you together, or not.
vennominon @36 – excellent point re “proud parents of the two cutest dogs ever” vs the doggie daddy of a few weeks ago.
edit to 37: either your shared history and love KEEP you together, or not.
FLACID: Try jerking off while using a condom. She shouldn’t have to go on hormonal birth control when the problem is as good as fixed with you putting on a rubber. Or better yet; condom make you limp? Maybe you shouldn’t be having sex.
FLACID, drugs–Viagra, Cialis, etc.–absolutely can help with performance anxiety issues like yours. That is pretty much what they’re for.
Dan gave you the classic sex-therapist advice for getting over psychological impotence; it was the best advice therapists had to offer before drugs were available, and it may well work for you.
But my advice is get a prescription and have some fun with your new partner. Sounds like you are both stressing out over the issue, and that is a lot of weight for a new relationship to bear.
Don’t lose her because you are trying to be tough and get over it on your own. The drugs are a way to cut through the vicious cycle of anxiety-failure-more anxiety. Chances are once you have a few good experiences under your belt (ha!) you will be able to put the pills aside.
Oh, and #32, way to respond to a person struggling with a heart-wrenching problem. Would you have responded to a woman experiencing pain with intercourse, dryness, inability to orgasm, the same way?
I fucking hate it when pet owners call themselves parents. Animals are not kids you dipshits!
Great column as usual, Dan, other than not calling that idiot out.
As a straight male sitting on the sideline (and applauding) newly enacted marriage equality legislation, I am fascinated by the societal pressure gays are feeling to legalize their relationship. You have come a long way baby!
Marriage does change things, I believe. You are legally entangling your lives. A lot of states do not allow spousal support for mere “common-law” relationships, for example. I think people who are merely co-habitating but not married would be much more likely to put an end to their relationship since they don’t have the legal and social stigma associated with ending a marriage.
EricaP – thanks for your bravery in sharing your experience. I have often admired your advocacy and opinions.
As a voyeur to your life, it is interesting to watch the progression you have made into an open marriage. A while back, in the thread on monogamous marriages, you had encouraged husbands to be more honest with their wives on their need for outside activity, even if the initial reaction would cause significant pain to their wives. I would be interested in your perspective (on day, without raw emotions) whether the “opening up” was worth it.
Best of luck, it is all b’shert (sp).
For anyone who has FLACID’s problem, and wants condoms for birth control but does not need the STD protection, I highly recommend Naturalamb condoms. My husband and I both strongly dislike condoms, and these are the best feeling ones I know of. Great for those post-partum times when you’re unable to use other forms of birth control, but still need some protection. Or, once you and partner are in a position of trust on STDs, but you still want a condom, these are the ideal solution.
@44 – here are my current thoughts: if your partner is generally open to new experiences (like me), you’re better off telling.
If your partner is mostly afraid of new experiences, then you have a different calculus:
A) Stop having sex with your partner; get your needs met outside the marriage.
B) Talk about your needs and face the likely divorce with a clear conscience.
C) Cheat, using condoms, and accept the fact that everyone will see you as the Bad Guy when it all comes out.
For me, personally, I’m okay with the open marriage. Going on vanilla dates with new guys is fun, though I’m envious that my husband found someone he connects with and I haven’t found a sex partner I really connect with yet. Still, our marital sex is much hotter now, and that’s a win/win situation.
And also — I get my BDSM kink satisfied much more often now that I have a circle of outside friends to tie me up & beat me.
@24 You’re off base with the “tranny” definition. Here’s an excellent article that clarifies: http://carnalnation.com/content/58040/10….
‘She-male’ and ‘tranny’ are slurs against trangender women, and they are offensive terms. If you don’t identify as a transwoman, don’t use these terms. Simple.
Trans women are women. I don’t ask what’s under their skirts. But my husband (like many men) fantasizes about sucking the cock of a person with breasts. Most trans women aren’t interested in that.
But some sex workers offer it, professionally. So what is the appropriate way to talk about this fantasy and its fulfillment? I use “chicks with dicks” to label the fantasy, the way one might talk of a guy fantasizing about “schoolgirls.” And it only references people interested in playing along with the fantasy. I myself become a “chick with dick” when I strap-on a dildo, but I admit that a real life dick is hotter.
@42/Dave M: You need to get a sense of humor. Do you take everything so literally? If someone were to say “it’s raining cats and dogs,” would you look out the window and then call the person an ‘idiot’ when you failed to see cats and dogs pouring down? You remind me of Dwight Shrute from The Office.
@4 ankylosaur Re: South Park & Mormons …
Season 4 episode 10 of South Park “Probably” –
Heaven is occupied solely by Mormons … all followers of other faiths are in hell regardless of how good they were because they followed the wrong religion.
Season 7, episode 12 of South Park “All About Mormons” gives as factual an account of the beginning of Mormonism as any offered by that church.
I’d sum up Trey & Matt’s attitude on Mormonism as follows: all the Mormon dogma is bullshit and the founder was a con man. Yet somehow the Mormons are generally nicer (if perhaps a bit more gullible) people than most… so maybe something about Mormonism works even though it is a crock of shit?
You can find these episodes online in various places (youtube)
Is it just me or is the column recycling some of the “out loud” phone calls to the Savage Love Podcast from the early years and putting them into print as if they’re new letters?
This is not the first one that I’ve noticed — I’m referring to WBNE here. You might think that they’re just similar but the ones that I’ve noticed have been almost verbatim transcriptions of the podcast with some editing. I suppose I wouldn’t mind that if there were a disclaimer, but the way it’s presented (that is, as if it’s a recent letter) seems unethical and icky and lessens my love for the column.