Three months ago, I met a woman who I’m really into physically, emotionally, and mentally. She’s someone I could see myself with. Problem is, when we started having sex, she insisted on a condom for birth control. I haven’t worn one in probably eight or nine years. (I’m 33 now.) I would be hard, then put on the condom and start having sex, and go limp because of the feel. This happened many times over the first couple months, leading to frustration on both our parts. She went on the pill a couple weeks ago to deal with the issue, but now I’ve got a mental issue going on and still go limp once we start having sex. As soon as I get inside her, it’s all I think about and things turn to shit. I feel like it’s not a physical problem, as it hasn’t happened before, so I’m not sure that drugs would even work. I don’t know what to do. It’s at the point of ruining this relationship.
Futile Limp-Ass Cock Is Dreadful
Before I get to your question, FLACID, I wanna pull rank—it’s my column, people—and briefly mention the staggeringly amazing thing that happened two weekends ago while I was in New York: the 8:00 p.m. performance of The Book of Mormon at the Eugene O’Neill Theater on the Saturday of Pride weekend. I didn’t think it was possible, but Trey Parker, Robert Lopez, and Matt Stone’s brilliant new musical about well-intentioned Mormons on a mission exceeds the hype. It’s the funniest, dirtiest, smartest thing that this showqueen has ever seen on Broadway.
Yeah, yeah, something else happened in New York while I was in town: A bill legalizing same-sex marriage was approved by the state legislature, and signed by Governor Andrew Cuomo, the night before we saw The Book of Mormon. And, hey, being in New York for the marriage-equality victory was nice. It was great. But The Book of Mormon—holy shit!
Okay, FLACID, if your dick goes limp once you put it inside her, stop putting it inside her. Just for now. Have oral sex, masturbate together, have lots of imaginative, nonpenetrative sex, all the while paying careful attention to her vulva, clit, orgasms, etc. A few dozen successful, low-stress sexual encounters with your girlfriend should help break the association your dick has made with her and failure. Good luck.
Yay, we won gay marriage in New York. I’m so happy, I could cry. But not tears of joy. Here’s the deal: I support gay marriage. I’m a freakin’ lesbian. I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We live together. We’re the proud parents of the two cutest dogs ever. We suffer through each other’s families, and we’re treated as a married couple for all intents and purposes by everyone in our lives. I’ve made passionate speeches to friends and family members about the importance of gay marriage. So in 30 days, we can get married in New York. Everyone will expect us to get married. But I don’t want to. I’m happy in my relationship, I have no plans to leave, but I don’t want to be married. I think part of the strength of our relationship comes from being together because we want to in the moment, not because we promised to in a moment that has long passed. How do I tell my partner and everyone else that I love her with all my heart but don’t want to marry her? Or anyone else, ever?
Defense Of Marriagephobic Asshole
Same-sex marriage is legal in New York, DOMA, not compulsory. But instead of telling your partner that you don’t want to marry her, or anyone else, ever, tell her you need time. This freedom is new, hard-won, and not going anywhere. There’s no rush to commit to committing, DOMA, and no rush to commit to never committing. And you might want to ask your girlfriend how she feels. If she hasn’t been dropping hints, picking out china, or proposing, it’s possible that she feels just as conflicted or ambivalent about marriage as you do.
I’ve just ended a four-year relationship with a great man who didn’t lay his kink cards on the table until way too late. He’s your typical straight guy with a she-male fetish. Apparently, the dom pegging I provided wasn’t enough, because I found a secret e-mail account where he was soliciting she-male escorts. I’m genuinely more pissed that he didn’t tell me he wanted to explore this—real cock—and didn’t give me the opportunity to make his fantasy fit into our life together. I can’t tell if any of these escorts ever met with him, and in usual hetero-male fashion, he is mortified that I know about his darkest cock-fetish secret at all. So my question is this: As a GGG girlfriend who would honor just about any fantasy, is this secret search for a stranger the betrayal I think it is? I get it that our play isn’t the same as the real thing, but isn’t cheating cheating?
Willing But Not Enough
The snooping-is-wrong absolutists will shit themselves if “snooping is wrong” doesn’t appear somewhere in this response. So here it is, gang, right at the top. Heck, I’ll toss it out again—”snooping is wrong”—even though I disagree. No long-term relationship is snoop-free, just as no long-term relationship is lie-free, porn-free, or thinking-about-fucking-someone-else-while-I’m-fucking-you free. And when a little snooping uncovers something like this, well, it’s retroactively self-justifying.
On to your question, WBNE: Your ex’s secret search is the betrayal that you think it is. No question. Cheating is cheating, and the kind of cheating your ex was engaged in or contemplating amounts to a Very Serious Betrayal. He put you at risk of acquiring a sexually transmitted infection*, assuming he saw a sex worker, or he was thinking about putting you at risk, assuming he was about to. And it was all so unnecessary: He had a GGG girlfriend who he could’ve opened up to about his secret kink. He could’ve negotiated a deal that allowed him to explore this without betraying you or putting you at risk. But he didn’t ask for permission because he was deeply ashamed, first, and terrified of losing you, second. And now he’s really got something to be ashamed of—the lying and sneaking around—and he’s lost you. Unless…
Unless you can find it in your heart to forgive him.
His kink cards are faceup on the table now; you know his deepest, darkest sexual fantasies, and, more importantly, he knows you know. Yes, he betrayed you, but forgiveness is meaningless if it’s limited to trifles and never comes after a Very Serious Betrayal. If his kink is something you would’ve signed off on had he gone about things differently, perhaps you could take him back on the condition that he go about things—finding things, sucking things, getting fucked by things**—very, very differently from now on.
*I’m not saying that a man who visits a sex worker is automatically going to get a sexually transmitted infection; a good sex worker is typically more thoughtful about sexual safety than your average freebie slut. But outside sexual contact is outside sexual contact. Whomever it involves, it involves risk for the insider back at home, and it should be disclosed and discussed in advance.
**I’m not calling MTF sex workers “things.” I’m calling their things things.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
In no way would I ever compare a child with a special need to an animal. Perhaps it wasn’t the best example, but I was using it to illustrate my point about the intelligence and social ability of those we care for not being a defining point for what makes up a parent. My cousin has Down Syndrome and it sickens me the way his immediate family treats him just because he’s a little different. Because of this I do take offense to the words Mydriasis said. With that said, I do apologize if I offended you Avast. I also knew a child with Asbergers who was far more intellectually advanced than his peers.
Like I mentioned in the end of my post, I have never called myself a parent to my pets, however, I dislike the implications that just because the creature I’m caring for isn’t a human, my love and effort is somehow not as meaningful. That is my gripe. I don’t feel it is right to cast such judgment upon others and belittle others just because of the wording they choose to use. Yes, children and animals are different and as such you won’t treat either the same way. But you don’t need to be a dick and roll your eyes or call them an dipshit (in reference to post 42) either.
@157 While I do note that EricaP is a prolific voice on these boards I’m not quite sure I would tag her as a dominant voice on here. She doesn’t quite post in the manner that a truly dominant voice would. But she is definitely one of the more prolific writers to the boards.
As to your wishy-washy statement about not being for or against her I would judge that false in this case. If you are posting in favor of Hunter78 calling her out then you are in fact saying something against her.
For myself I tend to agree with her since I am a poly-inclined male Dominant Sadist. But I don’t ever go with the agree/disagree statement unless I’m trying to paraphrase what someone has just said to me so that I can make sure I have their point correct. After that point is made I then go to either agreeing or disagreeing. It is hard to actually say something about a subject and come across as neutral unless you are a politician in which case you get tagged as a professional liar and no one believes you anyway unless they are naive.
I’ve been reading the comment sections of the SavageLove column long enough to know more about Ms. EricaP’s sexual life and married relationship than I do about some of my sisters’, and that is saying an awful lot. Frequently, the topic of discussion veers quickly from the column’s question(s) to EricaP’s sex life, even if the topic of the column has nothing to do with her personal situation. So, while Hunter78 may tease or needle too hard, maybe he’s just tired of hearing – all the time – about her lemonade.
oh wow, a few things…
1. Hunter: excellent point, thank you for your courage. Only you would see to the heart of things and understand that NOT ONLY am I a word facist but I also own a little uniform. (I put it on when people who aren’t doctors call themselves doctors)
2. 160: it was actually the other way around. Someone was trying to argue that because a baby and a cat are of roughly equal intelligence (they’re not) that the use of parent is valid.
The intepretation goes two ways. You think that if someone is bothered by the use of the word parent, that we don’t respect/understand the love a pet lover has and all the other things we’ve brought up. In my case this isn’t true (more on this later). We’re bothered by the use of the word because we think it implies that you think caring for a pet is on the same level as raising a human being (so far no one has stated that so actually we’re all gravy). Either way someone’s making an intepretation of the word that isn’t really fair to what the person using it or objecting to it means.
This might not make sense… but oh well.
In the end the only thing I really want to be clear is that I object to someone SERIOUSLY calling themselves a parent (which no one here has actually done at any point) to their pet because I believe that raising a child correctly is one of the most challenging and important jobs in the world and has huge consequences when done incorrectly.
Not because I don’t like pets.
For example: this is approximately how much I love cats… http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1vqx8I
i need some help from some smart sex-positive people.
A week ago i discovered online anonymous chatting with men. I have been having lots of fun meeting different strangers and flirting and playing and having hot orgasms together. I actually shared an anonymous email addy with one guy who was particularly good at turning me on really hard, and we had some email exchanges that were basically the hottest thing ever. But then he suddenly dropped off the face of the earth.
I am feeling really crushed. I have lost some of my enjoyment of the whole cybersex thing. I am trying but no other guys are making me feel the way he did.
What can i do? I emailed him once and made a huge effort to sound light-hearted and not at all desperate, but i am feeling so desperate. Do i have to just write him off and try to get past this? I am feeling like such an idiot 🙁
@164: One of the things people like about online anonymous chatting is the lack of commitment. No need to say goodbye or explain where you’re going. He might have decided that he’s not interested anymore, his primary offline relationship might have changed in a way that makes this not OK, or something else might have happened. You’ll probably never know.
Keep on going out there and flirting. As you look for new play partners, remember that whoever turns you on next will do it in his own way, with his own style. You might not find someone who makes you feel the way he did, but you’ll surely find someone who makes you feel as intensely turned on, just perhaps in different ways.
@167 – great advice, Canadian Nurse!
@164-tiemeup– I hope you can find some comfort in my analysis.
One way to look at sex and relationships is as the two of them being intricately linked. Whoever gives you the hottest orgasms is the one you turn to for love and support. If he turns you on one way (sexually), you want him to turn you on other ways (conversationally, emotionally). With this way of thinking, vice versa is also true. If you find someone you adore being with as a friend, you want to turn them into a lover. (Excepting situations as when a straight woman isn’t attracted to her straight female friends, etc.) This way is most often associated with women, though it’s hardly limited to them, and there are plenty of exceptions.
Another way of looking at sex and relationships is as separate entities. In this way, the people you have hot sex with have no connection with the people you want to hang out with otherwise. It’s possible to have fantastic sex with someone one day and see no reason to recognize them the next. This way is most often associated with men, though it’s hardly limited to them, and there are plenty of exceptions.
Now here you are beating yourself up for forming an emotional attachment to someone who gave you terrific orgasms. Why? Your feelings are understandable, normal, perfectly O.K. You just have that first way of looking at things. I share it. Lots of us do. I’d like to take you past feeling like an idiot and to a place of plain disappointment. You reached out to someone you thought you shared something deep with, and you were rebuffed. It’s O.K. to feel miserable. Who wouldn’t? If the sympathy of this stranger (me) means anything, please accept it.
From his perspective, he doesn’t see what the big deal is. He has that 2nd way of looking at things. Online sex chat is pretty much the invention of that 2nd way. It’s anonymous for a reason. People who want to be able to give and get orgasms without emotional attachment are drawn to online sex for that reason. He wanted no attachment, and it’s likely that he walked away because that’s what he always does.
How do you get past feeling so crushed? Be honest with yourself about what you want. Then go for it. Want anonymous hot orgasms without emotional entanglements? Keep flirting on the same site. Want a deeper relationship? Date in a more traditional way where you get to know someone first, then broach sex a little later.
@crinoline, canadian nurse, thank u both so much for your advice. it is really helping. One of the problems is that we were involved in this really hot email exchange and he asked for pics (a second set, i had already sent pics, but dimly lighted, these were brighter), and that’s when i never hear from him again, so I’m worried he just decided I looked ugly. 🙁 Also I am so disappointed to have fallen for this guy only to find out he is a jerk who cannot even shoot a quick “goodbye” email.
I have never, in all my life, heard someone call themselves “parents” to a pet and really, seriously, mean that they believe they are raising the pet the same as a child. Never. It is ALWAYS used as a comparison, a shorthand for “I love my pet, it’s a living thing not an accessory or an alarm system, I don’t abuse it or neglect it.”
I call myself a parent to my cat. I am also parent to two children, one of whom is significantly mentally challenged. She will never live on her own, we will never have discussions about great literature, and I don’t foresee ever giving her relationship advice. That doesn’t make me any less of a mom to her, or her any less of a daughter to me. So, yeah, 118, your idea that loving children is different because your children will be your equal? FUCK. YOU.
Y’all are cute, scrapping away like one big, happy family about cats and kids and inappropriate behavior and such. C’mon Hunter, admit it, life without EricaP would be missing that certain je ne sais quoi. Bet you’re secretly dying for a warm, accepting squeeze.
Actually EricaP, while I’m here, tip of the hat to your prolific contributions. My wife and I opened up our marriage a year ago, and your thoughts and insights helped us clarify our feelings and navigate through some of the more challenging bits. Muchas gracias.
um…update here….he wrote to me, things r good 🙂 Thanks for the advice, this was really a learning experience. Well off to have some more orgasms now 🙂
@ FLACID – ED drugs (Viagra, Cialis, etc) can be very effective to break the cycle of performance anxiety. A frequent scenario is that once a guy becomes comfortable with the new partner then they find they no longer utilize the medication.
The problem with using obscure (and sometimes not so obscure) cultural or literature references when trying to make a point is that many (most?) people won’t understand either the reference or the point.
Just a cheap way to feel superior or inflate your ego?
To no one in particular. Like many other aspects of a relationship, the level of commitment falls within a spectrum. Nothing particularly brilliant about that obvious observation. The amount of friction, drama, BS, and emotional pain that I’m willing to put up with in a relationship correlates fairly closely with the level of commitment. Personally I don’t see much point in becoming all that invested in or committed to any relationship (as opposed to just a friendship) where I’m just one of several (many?). Call it risk/reward or cost/benefit analysis. I have just so much time and emotional energy that I have no desire to waste them. What you get out of any relationship depends on not only what you are willing and able to put into the relationship, but what the other party is willing and able to. Simple math. The larger the divisor the smaller the quotient.
Hunter 78 Are you assuming that just because a post comes after yours that it is directed at you? Of which I may be guilty in this case. After a while, dealing with someone’s incomprehension becomes tiresome and I wind up dumbing down the conversation. I should have used literary not literature.
P.S. Both become truer as I get older and my time becomes shorter and more precious.
OH MY GOD.
Snoop a little bit. You’re stupid not to, you’re psycho to do it too much. If my boyfriend acts all weird and secretive HELLZ YEA I’ma check the subject lines of a few of his emails and texts.
@176/178 – what/who are you addressing? I think we all understand that you are focusing on your wife since her surgery, and not interested in other people.
But earlier, you stated that, in general, people who open their marriages are putting their marriages more at risk. Does anyone have any evidence of that, and whether it relates differently to men or women, to swingers or polyamorous people?
Hey Dan, why didn’t you recommend Viagra to the FLACID guy? The shit works. Not only that, but you can buy the generic stuff online for 1/9th the price of the drugstore stuff. Nope, I won’t give the URL because then I’d be a promoter. But if there was anyone who ought to use it, FLACID’s the guy.
@181 With respect to obscure references, mainly as I reminder to myself, but also as a cautionary tale to others. Oh the joys of conflicting jargon without mutually agreed upon definitions and meanings for the same terms.
Simple logic combined with actuarial science and basic risk mitigation strategy. Risk increases with the frequency of opportunity. The more chances you take the greater likelihood of an adverse outcome.
Partly to respond to 177, which may or may not have been addressed to me. Since I question my own motives for using obscure references I also question those of others.
We really do live in a world of finite resources (time being the most critical one with respect to relationship) The quality of any relationship correlates well with the amount of time expended on it. TANSTAFL, which is easily Googled.
Having gone through hell in several (more than four) relationships (none of them simultaneously thank God) for very different reasons the prospect of dealing with multiple crises with their emotional demands/cost at the same time is really not very appetizing to me. Unless you show callous disregard for others, the risk exists whenever you become emotionally invested in a relationship. I know too well what it is like to become an emotionally burned out caretaker.
My experiences aren’t typical (better than many, but worse than others) In some respects I became an adult at 15, which included role reversal with my parents with no real emotional support system. Obviously this has colored my outlook on life and relationships.
@181 Hopefully this answers your questions and it should be TANSTAAFL There ain’t no such thing as a free lunch
@183, by your logic, not only should one be monogamous, but one should avoid close friendships and any close ties to one’s family or colleagues. Any one of those people could have a crisis. No one here is seeking a free lunch. But having one’s spouse as not just the top relationship, but the ONLY close relationship in one’s life… that seems unlikely to work well in the long run.
I didn’t say that or even advocate it. You asked questions and I responded. Every one has their own tolerance for risk.
As I said my experiences aren’t typical. I had to take on adult responsibilities at a much earlier age than most in my age cohort or people in general. My outlook on life is much grimmer than most Americans because I know and have seen first hand just how fragile civilization is. It goes with my job.
Most people obsess about low probability events that they can’t control (e.g. nuclear war). I note today’s announcement about the (predictable) discovery of a drug resistant strain of gonorrhea. You can control your risk of exposure. What you can’t control is the actions or behavior of others.
@186 I agree that you can’t control the actions (or emotions) of others.
@187 – and by “you” I mean “one.”
I was in a similar situation as Limp-Dick. I agree with Dan’s advice, but for me, the multiple experiences of a dick going soft while inside of you or sees you naked does a number to one’s sex drive. So, my boyfriend went to his doctor who confirmed that it was a pysch problem, but prescribed him Viagra. We used it for a month or so to rebuild my boyfriend’s confidence and to get rid of his anxiety issues. It’s been a year since and we’ve had no issues.
‘Problem is, when we started having sex, she insisted on a condom for birth control. I haven’t worn one in probably eight or nine years.’
So lemme get this straight. This guy has presumably been having sex with different women for the past decade (he doesn’t mention being celibate and doesn’t mention just leaving an eight-year relationship), and he mentions that this woman INSISTED he wear a condom as a problem? How crazy of her to not want his dick in her, unprotected, until they knew each other better or she’d seen some tests. He honestly thought, in this day and age, that she’d just ‘take care of it’ herself and be on The Pill or whatever women do so boys don’t have to bother?
It’s 2011. God help us. AIDS is still around and abortion is hard to come by in many states. Get a fucking clue.
Spot on advice once again, Dan. You ROCK!!!
@175
There is a difference as to how people relate to their pets and their children, and the role they play in our lives (Avast ably stated the obvious here).
On the other hand, house pets, especially dogs, fit in an odd grey zone – strictly speaking, they’re possessions, but have a will of their own. They’re independent but totally dependent. They can be a big part of our social lives and self-identification. “Parent”, the noun, strictly speaking, is inappropriate, but “parent”, the verb, isn’t.
#1 Dan, don’t you get tired of this weekly SPAM? I know I do.
I earlier asked for real life experiences from men who, like FLACID, had trouble getting it up for psychological reasons. Thanks to everyone who wrote. To sum up, Dan recommended non-penetrative sex for a while. Everyone who wrote said that a temporary course of Viagra (or similar) did the trick for them. I realize this is hardly a scientific study, but I hope Dan is paying attention. His theory sounds grand; I liked it right away, but for the men in the trenches, it sounds like drugs are the way to go.
As for FLACID’s assumption that the condom was the problem, I doubt it, but I can’t see what difference that makes. I’d guess that the emotional content of the relationship is causing the difference, that somewhere in far recesses of his psyche he’s scared of making the relationship work with someone he’s so into physically, mentally, and emotionally, a sort of physical manifestation of commitment-phobia but again, I don’t see the point of tracking down exact causes. If a month or two of Viagra does the trick, I’d say go for it.
Looks like the conservatives were right about one thing once the definition of marriage was changed. Now the religious polygamists are challenging the laws against bigamy. Legal cover for the arranged (forced) marriage of teenage girls to old men?
I didn’t say underage and my emphasis was on forced. The age of consent for females is 14 in three States and 15 in three more States. Although Hugh Hefner with a 20 something is kind of creepy.
Once you broaden the definition, how can you say no to marriage between consenting two sentient beings and before you dismiss it out of hand. There are people who are trying broaden the definition of what qualifies as a person.
Finally, what have you got against the old? Think we can’t or shouldn’t fuck?
*waves hand* Ooh! Me! I think that!
@150 and all the other pet parent comments
To assume that there’s one all-encompassing definition of parenting is just silly. I would wager that the way many pet owners care for their animals in this day and age in this part of the world is more “parental” than the way parents in other times and places have cared for their children. E.g., is the wealthy Victorian mother who hands her child off to a wet-nurse as soon as it is born really “parenting”?
Just for the record, I’m not passing judgment one way or the other here. I work as a middle school teacher and a dogsitter, and I have seen a vast multitude of approaches to raising both human and canine youngsters. Some of those approaches work well, others don’t. I haven’t had to call child services on anyone yet, but I have called the local ASPCA, and it’s precisely because of the attitude that dog lives are somehow worth less than human lives.
Any humane society worker would tell you that if people treated the decision to acquire a pet with the same seriousness they invest in the decision to have a child, both the human and animal populations would be a lot better off (fewer high-kill shelters, a complete ban on puppy mills, fewer stray animals roaming the streets passing along all kinds of diseases).
Also for the record: someone looking to adopt a dog from a reputable rescue or purchase a puppy from a real breeder must undergo a pretty through background check–employment, personal references, vet references, proof home ownership/landlord agreement, etc. Whereas anyone with a working set of reproductive organs can have themselves a human infant without jumping through any of those hoops.
Gee, I really didn’t want to dignify this discussion with such a long post.
@197: Incorrect. The lowest age of consent in the US is 16, which is also the age of consent in the majority of states.
@194: Dan paid attention. Did you see this?
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archive…
@196: It’s unlikely that we’ll ever see a movement for multi-way marriage parallel to the gay marriage movement. For one thing, it’s much less common. For another, poly relationships tend to be much more flexible (for instance, with people entering and leaving frequently) and have unique structures that wouldn’t be easily served by a one-size-fits-all legal structure.
The movement for gay marriage was based on keeping the structure of marriage and divorce the same as it is now, but multi-way marriage would require the creation of a completely new legal structure, with all sorts of legal rules about people entering and leaving, death, probate, alimony, and so forth.
I’m all for poly relationships but there is no clear simple way to extend marriage to them, nor is there as direct of a need as there is for same-sex couples.
@202: In many states a girl can get married with her parents’ consent when she is under 16. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriageabl…
NH: 14 for males and 13 for females.
PA: 14 in case of pregnancy and with the approval of a Judge of the Orphans Court.
TX: 14 with judicial consent.
CA: no statutory minimum, those under 18 must receive approval of a superior court judge, or parental consent.
@205: Oh, wow, thanks. You’re right.
Hi DOMA: This might have already been addressed in the comments but I’ll add my 2 cents. Marriage guarantees certain legal rights. Maybe you’re young enough that you don’t worry about illness or death but it should be in the back of your mind. I work for a funeral home/cemetery and I’ve seen families totally fuck over the partner of the deceased. This is a grown up worry and I hope you don’t have to think about it for a long time but it’s a fact of life.