I am a 16-year-old female. I have been in a monogamous relationship with a boy for seven months. My first, his too. A couple of months in, we began to explore masturbating each other and oral sex. He has gone down on me three times, but I have never given him a blowjob. I’m scared to because I’m scared he will be disappointed. We fight sometimes because he feels it’s unfair that he goes down on me and I don’t go down on him.
On top of this, he started doing something when we are in the midst of being sexual that I don’t understand. He will stick the tip of his hard penis just inside the opening to my vagina, again and again. I guess you could call it “probing.” I know enough to know that there’s a slight risk of pregnancy, as pre-come can get a woman pregnant and he doesn’t wear a condom when he does this. We are planning on having complete vaginal intercourse in the next few months, with condoms and birth control, but this is happening now and it worries me.
This is what I need advice about: I know that there is a very small risk of pregnancy even if we use condoms and birth control. I couldn’t handle a child at my age or the humiliation of being pregnant at 16 and having to walk around town with the evidence out for all to see. I would have an abortion. He disagrees strongly with abortion, but he’s not the one who would have to go through it all! So I would probably end up having an abortion without telling him, which seems completely unfair.
No Clue What To Do
I’m going to take your problems one at a time, NCWTD, in ascending order of importance/assholery.
1. A disappointing blowjob is always less disappointing than no blowjob at all, NCWTD, particularly for teenage boys. So it’s always better to err on the side of blowjobs.
Yes, you’ll probably be pretty inept at first. Take things slowly and only take him as far into your mouth as you feel comfortable with. (Feel free to wrap a fist or two around the base of his cock so you can control how fast and far his dick goes into your mouth.) Don’t let your boyfriend rush or guilt you into blowing him until he comes by pointing to all the times—all the three times!—that he went down on you. Sucking cock is physically trickier and more taxing than eating pussy. That may seem crazy unfair—hasa diga eebowai—but on the bright side, it frees you from having to get him off with your mouth the first few dozen times you attempt to blow him.
2. Probing is low-risk for pregnancy, NCWTD, but there’s still some risk. What worries me is that this activity makes you uncomfortable and either you haven’t said anything to your boyfriend or you have said something and he’s doing it anyway. Tell him no more probing, if you haven’t already, and if he initiates probing after you’ve made it clear that you’re not comfortable with it, break the fuck up with him. Which brings us to…
3. You’re going to have to go Bitch Puddin’ on his ass, NCWTD. Memorize this, say it to him, and mean it: “If I let you stick your dick in my vagina and I get pregnant, I am getting an abortion. If you can’t live with that—if you aren’t willing to shoulder the psychic risk of knowing that your girlfriend would get or actually got an abortion, while she shoulders the actual physical risk of an unplanned pregnancy—then I am never going to let you stick your dick in my vagina. You’re free to disagree with my choice, of course, but you can’t prevent me from making that choice. So what’s it going to be?”
I’m a 25-year-old gay male with a foot fetish. I have a wonderful boyfriend who lets me indulge by rubbing his feet. When I brought him home to meet the folks, at one point he took his shoes off and casually rested his feet in my lap while sitting in the living room with my parents. I felt really weird about rubbing his feet with my parents looking on. My boyfriend thinks I shouldn’t worry because my parents don’t know about my kink and a foot rub looks innocent enough. Am I right to feel weird about this?
Bear Foot Fetishist
Let’s say your parents ran across shitloads of gay foot fetish porn on your computer when you were still a teenager. Are your mom and dad the kind of open-minded, sexually progressive parents who would ruin your sex life forever by initiating a mortifying conversation about what they found? Or are they the kind of closed-minded, sexually inhibited parents who would do the right thing and never, ever mention what they found? Hopefully the latter.
So it’s entirely possible that your parents do know about your kink, BFF, and that they were deeply weirded out when your new boyfriend went out of his way to give you a boner while they were sitting there. For all you know, your parents are at home right now questioning your judgment and wondering how they can get out of inviting your boyfriend for Thanksgiving without seeming like homophobes.
And speaking of questionable judgment: I’ve watched a lot of hot boys from small towns wash up in my urban hellhole over the years. These boys typically leverage their good looks to get jobs making coffee/burritos/drinks/whatever, and then, over the course of a year or two, throw their good looks away with the assistance of booze, cigarettes, tattoo artists, and professional piercers. I get it: Nothing stays the same, all things die, and these guys aren’t trying to earn social or sexual currency with the old fags in the hood.
But there’s this one waiter/barista/bartender/whatever who works in a place near my office—I’m not going to say exactly what he does—who, having already gone in for full tattoo sleeves on both arms, recently stuck a pair of plugs in his earlobes. His plugs are moderately sized, but I worry that they’re going to get bigger and bigger until this boy—who’s just so damn lovely—turns his earlobes into
earlabia. (That’s what they look like when people walk around without the plugs in.)
They’re not my ears, I realize, and this boy, like all the other hipster boys, can do what he likes with his own earlobes. But earlabia don’t look good on anybody. Please make a note of it, hipster boys.
I’m a 20-year-old female girl. I’m sure you’ve addressed this qualm many times: I’m wondering if it’s bad that I use porn to masturbate. I can pleasure myself without porn, but I enjoy it more when I do. I feel bad after I do it. Is it bad? Should I stop?
Worried Porn Girl
Not bad, WPG, don’t stop.
You should, however, be a conscientious female girl porn consumer. Superstar sex writer Violet Blue does an amazing job covering and uncovering porn that’s nonexploitative and female-girl-positive/female-girl-created, WPG, and reading Violet will help cure you of that niggling case of postorgasmic porn shame you’ve got. (For the record: Straight porn created by and for men can be female-girl-positive, too.) Read Violet at www.tinynibbles.com.
Website of the Week: www.gayhomophobe.com.
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
156- I didn’t ask that question directly, but I did note that her letter is absent of anything positive about her relationship with her boyfriend. I’d go so far as to say that coming isn’t as important as enjoying. If she doesn’t actually come but loves the experience and wants more, at least she’s headed in the right direction. If her boyfriend is doing something for her only in a manipulative bid to get her to do something for him, there’s a ton wrong with the whole picture. (And dump him as UppityMom in 151 says.)
I’ll go out on a limb that will get me in trouble with some feminists and tell NCWTD that at her age, she ought to be pursued. By that, I mean that her boyfriend ought to be so thrilled that she’s doing anything sexual with him that he’s willing to make all the first moves. If he eats her, it ought to be because he adores her, wants her to feel pleasure, and just plain wants to. If she’s so happy that she wants to blow him in return, that’s an extra bonus that should happen when and if she wants. It’s different when you’re older and know what you like. At 16, it’s important to feel comfortable at every step. To feel a little scared is normal enough, but overall, you ought to feel pleased.
Same goes for the probing. All she says is that it worries her, not that she enjoys it. Not wanting to engage in probing because of fear of pregnancy gets one set of advice. (Get birth control as many above have said.) Not wanting to engage in probing because you’re not into it gets a different set. (Dump him as only a few have said, or at least get a lot better at communicating what’s wrong.)
Dan says “Don’t let your boyfriend rush or guilt you into blowing him until he comes…”
Need help with the definition here. Doesn’t a blowjob imply that the male comes? Up until then isn’t it just cocksucking?
Or is any mouth-penis contact a blowjob?
@130/cocky
I was taught that the way to get around the teeth issue was to…. this will be tricky to describe in text. But to basically have your lips covering your teeth so that you can actually use your teeth to get a firm grip without any teeth-penis contact.
The person who taught me that is gay and sort of made his living that way.
So I took his advice. I get positive reviews.
All the advice was good,except for the foot fetishist; totally innapropriate behavior for “first time meeting” with the parents. Gross.
As for the hipster ears, well not only is it ugly, but rather permanent (without surgery) as also with the tattoos. Obviously, ten years from now, they won’t be so cool (remember eyebrow rings, tribal armbands, and trampstamps?) so a little foresight from an older guy to the younger is nice.
As an older tattooed guy myself breathing sighs of relief at never having my hands and neck done, I shudder at what all these kids are going to be going through later on in life; majorly bummed, dude.
(My God, 164 comments ALREADY?! Where have I been?)
Situation #1:
Dan, I nominate you for GOD of Sex Advice.
Please accept.
If he disagrees with you on abortion, you need to stop having sexual relations with him. DTMFA and find somebody more considerate of your feelings to explore sex with.
As a long-time reader who happens to be heavily tattooed & pierced (and, yes, I have stretched ears too, suck it) I took offense to your seemingly out of nowhere attack on modified people.
It seems hypocritical to say what others can and cannot do with their bodies in terms of looks, but to have an ‘anything respectful goes’ attitude towards sex. A tattoo is not very different from a boob job, rhinoplasty, or getting your hair done. Ears can be reconstructed and piercings taken out. Tattoos can be removed. Hair grows out and can be cut, and nails repainted. It’s the same thing – expression. Implementing a line for people not to go is bigoted. Everyone has control over their bodies, and we should all respect the aesthetic choices of others. Most of us modded folks get modded for OURSELVES – not for you. Not for your approval. Not for anyone’s approval – just ours. What a concept!
On a similar note, tattoos and piercings are fetishes for a lot of folks, which is why you see a lot of tattooed/pierced couples with tons of mods, or, in my case, one partner with lots of mods and the other who looks like the squarest (but cute) accountant you’ve ever seen.
As a long-time reader who happens to be heavily tattooed & pierced (and, yes, I have stretched ears too, suck it) I took offense to your seemingly out of nowhere attack on modified people.
It seems hypocritical to say what others can and cannot do with their bodies in terms of looks, but to have an ‘anything respectful goes’ attitude towards sex. A tattoo is not very different from a boob job, rhinoplasty, or getting your hair done. Ears can be reconstructed and piercings taken out. Tattoos can be removed. Hair grows out and can be cut, and nails repainted. It’s the same thing – expression. Implementing a line for people not to go is bigoted. Everyone has control over their bodies, and we should all respect the aesthetic choices of others. Most of us modded folks get modded for OURSELVES – not for you. Not for your approval. Not for anyone’s approval – just ours. What a concept!
On a similar note, tattoos and piercings are fetishes for a lot of folks, which is why you see a lot of tattooed/pierced couples with tons of mods, or, in my case, one partner with lots of mods and the other who looks like the squarest (but cute) accountant you’ve ever seen. You may not be into it, but other consenting adults can be and are. Deal with it!
Also, I’d like to direct NCWTD to the morning after pill! It’s over the counter, costs $30 in Canada. If you’re worried or if he comes on you while ‘probing’ , take it. You don’t have to get pregnant even if he decides to be an asshole and force you into sex (dump the dude in that case)
@Nellygirl You’re making the assumption that NCWTD had no say in whether she wanted that cock inside her with a condom or otherwise. The boyfriend chose not to wear the condom; the girlfriend chose to let him probe her. The focus is on the decisions after the sex has been had and the pregnancy. If NCWTD’s choice happened to be that she wanted to keep the child against her boyfriend’s wishes, she has unilaterally decided to have the child. He, at this point, has no say whatsoever. He HAS to pay child support because of her decision. They both decided to fuck, but why is she the only one to decide whether she’s going to bring the baby to term?
So what I proposed was that if NCWTD made the choice to have the child, then the boyfriend, if he so pleases, should be able to choose whether or not to pay child support. He should be able to have a say.
Oh hunter, that’s silly.
First things first, “I get good reviews” isn’t exactly what I would call… let’s say “DARE” level bragging. I was just sayin’. Certainly not as much as “I’m pretty good on blowjobs” from 97 (no disrespect!)
Second of all, being in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean that’s the only person I’ve ever been with in my whole life.
Third of all, I’m not going to argue with you as to the existence of my talents. My comment was not for your benefit, it was more for people who have trouble with the teeth thing.
Well, I’d like to hear about Dan’s comparative experiences in giving oral sex to men v. women. If he has no experience with women, he has no business blithely saying which is easier. In MY experience as a woman, I have only had one (small) orgasm with oral in my whole life. I feel it is the lack of skill of the men I have been with. I am very sensitive-in good and bad ways- and all I have ever felt is TEETH. None of the men I have been with have been worth a damn in this department. It can’t be that trivial. Oh well.
Sucking cock is physically trickier and more taxing than eating pussy.
Love your column, Dan, but WTF on that line? Yes, I guess it is physically trickier-but as a straight woman who fooled around in the distant past, eating pussy was boring and frustrating. No offense,Dan-just seems odd to have a gay man extolling pussy eating over giving head.
Now, on the issue of equal pay, yes-her BF definitely deserves fair play-her smokescreen of worry about giving poor head doesn’t ring true. Almost any straight guy would be delighted to help a teenaged girl practice/improve oral screen.
@avast: a disavowed father can contest to establish paternity and, when that is established, can sue for and win partial or full custody and/or child support. The child support is not a tax on men; it is based on the percentage of time the kids live with a parent plus the percentage of total parental income each earns; if the man earns less than the woman but does close to half or more of the childcare, he will be awarded support. I have seen it happen.
@63 –
Actually, it’s like this:
When it comes to matters of pregnancy, a man gets one vote, because it’s his sperm. A woman gets one vote, because it’s her egg. A woman gets a second vote because it’s her uterus. Two votes trump one.
Basic ethics applied to a situation that, I’m sorry, cannot be perfectly fair. If the man could opt to carry the child if the woman doesn’t want to, there’d be no problem. If we didn’t live in a capitalist society and/or children could count on being supported by their community, rather than parents, there’d be no problem. But at the end of the day, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to give the man any power in this decision without taking all power from the woman, and that’s just obviously lopsided.
So the folks who go around saying, “Oh, the poor menzes!” just haven’t really thought this through.
Child support, BTW, is based on the idea that it’s the CHILD’s right to be supported by both parents, not anything to do with a woman’s rights.
Ms Driasis – Has Mr DARE set a new gold standard, then? From what little I was able to see of the threads he inspired, I’m not too surprised.
I say this with the utmost compassion NCWTD: your boyfriend’s a dick.
I know it’s hard to see, especially in your first relationship, but even if you aren’t going to break up with him you need to start laying down the law a bit more and be firm with him.
Thank you Dan… I appreciate your advice and I am for sure going to take what you say into consideration. 🙂
Thank you Dan, I really appreciate your advice. And I will for sure take what you said into consideration. 🙂
Hi NCWTD! Care to share more? As other people have noted, your letter left out a lot about whether you are enjoying yourself or just putting up with what your boyfriend wants you to do.
@177: “But at the end of the day, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to give the man any power in this decision without taking all power from the woman”
That simply isn’t true.
If, during the early stages of the pregnancy, the man were to say “I am not ready for this/cannot afford this/do not want this” for whatever reason, and he was allowed at that point to surrender his interests, the woman would be able to make her own decision: do I carry to term, knowing that not only could I have exercised my right to opt out, but that the man already has exercised his right to do so? She has retained every single one of her OWN options. The only option she has lost is the one where she makes HIM pay for HER decision to continue the pregnancy.
I’m not claiming that the man opting out of fatherhood does not represent a pressure on her decision-making process. (But it is only one pressure out of many on her decision. Money plays just as big a part when dad stays around but is unemployed, or poor.) But to say that giving him that option takes away ALL of her options is simply incorrect.
“Child support, BTW, is based on the idea that it’s the CHILD’s right to be supported by both parents, not anything to do with a woman’s rights.
Child support is for when there is an actual child to support. I am talking about decisions that get made before that child exists. (I trust you not an advocate of personhood-at-conception.)
“So the folks who go around saying, “Oh, the poor menzes!” just haven’t really thought this through.
Heh. Thanks for proving my original point.
Oops, I posted that comment twice. Anyhow, I do enjoy every minute with him. He is a very good, caring, generous boyfriend. He just doesn’t know how to treat a fucking girl sometimes, his selfishness takes over and blinds him from seeing that his advances come off as pressuring.
I have looked into planned parenthood time after time, there is none in my town, or the ones surrounding mine…
The closest one is an hour away and I have no way of getting there.
I am not on birth control, but I do have condoms.
As for peer pressure, I’m homeschooled.
“you guys saying that women are really that weak-minded that they are incapable of being held responsible for their mistakes”
Don’t ask me, I’m just a girl!
Dan always tosses out these little perfect gem-like Sexual Truisms. This week’s? “It’s always better to err on the side of blowjobs.” Embroider that one a throw pillow, I say.
jill
http://inbedwithmarriedwomen.blogspot.co…
There are two red flags, NCWTD, and in the absence of information otherwise, you might want to think very carefully about how you proceed with this guy.
If he’s probing you without your consent, he could go balls deep without your consent, in fact, it’s very likely to happen. If you want when you lose your virginity to be a decision -he- makes for you, then by all means, continue to let him probe you until he gets “carried away in the moment” and starts thrusting.
Now, about the pregnancy/choice thing, combined with him putting his un-covered dick inside your vagina. He is going to get you pregnant, and he’s going to give you hell if you try to do anything about it. There are guys out there who use pregnancy as a means of controlling and emotionally abusing their girlfriends. He might not be this guy, but make sure you’re not lining up for this shot. Go to Planned Parenthood and get on birth control that you don’t have to rely on him for, and don’t tell him you’re on it and make him wear a condom! It might be that your love is for the ages, and if so, mazel tov, but in the likely chance that it isn’t, you might find out that he’s more a player than you believe he is now, and you need to make sure you’re safe.
Reading between the lines of your letter, you sounds like maybe you’re not comfortable with the level of sexuality you’re currently in, which is OK! You’re only 16! There’s plenty of time to get this shit together and do what you like when you’re comfortable! I might suggest you keep your clothes on with this guy, or observe a strict “only one person has their underwear off at a time” policy until you feel a little more comfortable and you can trust this guy not to probe you. In the meantime, if you haven’t acquainted yourself with the online feminist comminity (scarlateen, feministing, feministe, pandagon, etc), check us out. You -can- feel comfortable and in charge of your sexual experiences and there’s nothing wrong with that!
NCWTD: If his penis was in your vagina–even just the tip–you are no longer a virgin. There, the pressure’s off. Now dispense with that silly voodoo word and get your thinking cap on. The best time to talk about sex is when you’re not having it. You want your brain making the policy decisions, not your hormones. The two of you need to set sensible boundaries and stick to them. The b/f needs to realize that his sex life is directly tied to his compliance with your stated sex policy.
Clearly, disgusting is in the eye of the beholder.
It would be nice if people knew to say “That disgusts me,” rather than “That is disgusting.” Subtle difference, but it tends to preempt the whole argument about “Well, for _some_ people it’s perfectly fine, so you shouldn’t say that.”
NCWTD @185 – He sounds a lot like a lot of guys at 16! Some of the suggestions about only one person with pants off at a time are great, as well as just talking to him about how what he is doing is making you uncomfortable.
Since it sounds like he is getting awfully, ahem, excited when you guys fool around, you will have to be the one to put the brakes on when he is going to far or too fast. It sucks, but like a lot of people have already mentioned, you will bear a disproportionate part of the burden if you get pregnant. (Heck, I’m pregnant and I want to be, but its not what I would call fun….) Buy some condoms, if he wants to get his penis near your vagina, he needs to be wrapped up. THIS DOES NOT MEAN HE GETS TO PUT IT IN! Sex is a ton of fun, but you need to be ready, and from what I am reading, you aren’t yet.
If he doesn’t respect your “no” or “not yet,” you need to stop playing around with him until he does. Be smart! Be safe! Have a ton of fun 🙂
NCWTD @185 – thanks for writing more! Glad to hear he’s usually a nice guy. And it’s not unusual for a teenage boy to have trouble remembering not to pressure you into more sex — he’s getting a lot of pressure himself from the hormones in his system.
I’m sorry to hear there’s no planned parenthood in your town. But there are other ways to get more reliable birth control (condoms are great, but you should combine condoms with another form of birth control to avoid any accidents). Can you talk to your mom about birth control? Remember, she was once 16 herself, and she doesn’t want you to get pregnant either. Or is that unrealistic given your relationship? How about your doctor? Can you get to the doctor by yourself, and trust the doctor to keep your conversation private?
If there’s no way for you to get hormonal birth control, you can learn to track your own fertility, NOT by counting days since your period, but by tracking your temperature every day with an ultra precise thermometer, and combining that with examining your cervical mucus to see if it’s stretchy, slippery and wet-feeling, like egg white.
http://www.yourcervicalmucus.com/2010/08…
You can make condoms a lot more effective if you also only have sex when you’re pretty sure you are not fertile. (The other days you can stick with oral and mutual masturbation 🙂
I also do hope you’ll read the article at
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/a…
This site has a pretty good description of the Fertility Awareness Method:
http://www.fwhc.org/birth-control/fam.ht…
thank you dan for doing your part to curtail the horror that is gauged ears and the resultant earlabia. would you consider adding a blurb next week about the young male obsession with unkempt facial hair. i love bone structure and there’s nothing worse than a gorgeous squared jawline obscured by a massive face bush!! gentleman, i beg of you! just because you can grow santa’s beard on your pretty little face doesn’t mean you SHOULD!
Dan, your advice to NCWTD was perfect, couldn’t have said it better!
On a side note, wonderful job this last Wednesday speaking!!! Loved your lecture/stories!
unwanted pregnancy is not fun for anyone. My boyfriend accidentally got me pregnant and now 3 months later, he suddenly left me. I dont know how I’ll raise this baby alone. I can barely breathe right now.
@166 suddenlyorcas: Spot on for the win!!!
@195
Yes! Agreed.
There are three kinds of guys my age with beards.
1. I’m so excited I can grow facial hair!
2. I’m too lazy to shave.
3. I’m a hipster douchebag.
None of these are sexually appealing.
Why is everybody encouraging the teenage girl to suck this judgmental, manipulative asshole’s cock? It seems pretty clear from her description that she’s uncomfortable setting boundaries with her boyfriend–she describes the “probing” as something he just does without her desire or explicit consent. The fact that he goes down on her doesn’t change anything–I suspect he only does it so he can guilt her into reciprocating. Sure, for him a bad blowjob would be more pleasurable than no blowjob, but it’s not him we should be worried about.
@cocky
I’mma have to disagree with you.
Sorry.
But I remember highschool pretty well. It wasn’t super long ago for me. And I do remember several people (of both genders) being somewhat pressured into things that weren’t for them. Yeah, most of them were female. But I think the point that a lot of people are making is that instead of “erring on the side of blowjobs” as Dan said, we should “err on the side of not engaging in sex activities we are doubtful of our comfort level with”.
Less catchy, though.
Even though I’m an incredibly sexist individual, I’d still have a similar response to a male LW who wrote in with a similar letter. Personally I was pretty promiscuous at that age but I have pretty much no regrets because I also had a very well established set of boundaries and I had no problem saying “no” even if it made me, as you say, a “Mean Girl”.
I would encourage any 16 year old girl or boy to do the same.
NCWTD– I remember being a teenager. I remember what it was like not to have a car, not to be familiar with making an appointment with a doctor, not knowing how to go about getting to a clinic or setting up getting birth control. I don’t know enough about your location or circumstance to help you through the particulars. I can tell you that if you think it’s hard now getting birth control, it could be 100x harder dealing with the logistics of getting an abortion. So deal with this with the same sense of urgency you would bring to an abortion. If getting to a clinic several towns over means spending money, calling on a favor, even telling a lie, do what you must to to get the information and prescription you need. You’d do that for an abortion, right?
As for the conflicting advice about whether or not you’re being pressured or hurried into penis-in-vagina sex (I think you are), whether you’re being blackmailed into blowing him (I think you are), whether you should dump him (I’m not sure), naturally you’re going to consider everything you read here. When you’re thinking about it, consider the sex of the poster giving the advice. A grown straight woman who remembers what being a teenage girl was like, or a straight man who remembers what he wanted teenage girls to be like? Someone who’s thinking about what seems to make logical sense, or someone who’s considering all the conflicting feelings of the first time.
And read the article that Erica P. recommended. It’s really good.
Darling child, if you “don’t understand” what he’s doing, then you’re not old enough to be doing it. It’s pretty clear, and there’s one place it’s going, which is full on sex!
NCWTD, do either of you know your boyfriend’s condom size? Maybe he needs to hear “Ask for ‘regular.'”
@cocky
I must have missed that. People were dehumanizing the LW’s boyfriend?
But I will say that unless I’m misunderstanding you, you seem to be suggesting a post-sexism world much the way a lot of conservative people like to pretend that we’re in a “post-racial” world.
We aren’t. And while I think that (especially in the States where I’m assuming most of you are from) racism is a way bigger problem than sexism… experiences are still very different for teenage girls than they are for teenage boys to a degree that I think you’re downplaying.
I don’t believe in putting down or dehumanizing teenage boys… but I do believe in calling someone a jerk when they’re being one.
Though crinolene may have missed the mark on what your teenage experience was like… she may have still hit a grain of truth in that… you weren’t a teenage girl and didn’t experience the struggles that came with that. You dealt with very different ones. Your entrance into un-virginhood was presumably a happy consentual one and etc
Here’s a thought: instead of birth control, why not establish DICK control? If a guy pushes sex on a girl too hard, she can get a cattle prod and just zap him in the bodoobies!
It worked for Dustin Hoffman.
214– The original letter reads “We fight sometimes because he feels it’s unfair that he goes down on me and I don’t go down on him.” That’s where we’re getting the idea that he’s acting out of self interest and manipulation rather than joyful desire. Imagine if it had read “He feels it’s unfair that he gives me expensive gifts that I don’t really want or enjoy and I don’t have sex with him.” I wouldn’t go so far as to say he planned it that way. I cut teenage boys a lot of slack because they’re just learning too. But no wonder she feels conflicted. On some deep level, he’s set their relationship up as a business one or turning her into a prostitute.
In the opposite situation, the “I suspect she only sucks his cock so she can guilt him into going down on her” one, the statement would not be ridiculous if he’d written Dan saying that he’d never asked for the blowjobs, saying nothing about whether he enjoyed them, and then saying his girlfriend was demanding something he had misgivings about in return.
“On some deep level, he’s set their relationship up as a business one or turning her into a prostitute.”
I suspect NCWTD’s boyfriend’s thinking on the subject isn’t anywhere near so mercantile as that. I suspect that he, being 16, horny, and clueless about respectful sex, simply wants as much action as he can push for. The same motivation explains both the probing and the demands for blowjobs.
He isn’t giving her oral sex as a bargaining chip to get oral, he’s doing it because she lets him. I seriously doubt that he is going to fold his arms and say “Fine, then no oral for you either,” as that would mean reducing their sexual activities even farther. Asking for it in return is just another form of pushing boundaries.
Now, if you ask me, “I’m scared to because I’m scared he will be disappointed” sounds like a smokescreen. (Because between a bad blowjob and no blowjob, the latter is way more disappointing.) I suspect NCWTD actually is uncomfortable with their current level of activity (the operative word being “scared”, which got used twice in one sentence) and that was an attempt to put him off for a while without setting a firm boundary. She needs to learn to communicate clearly and set boundaries. He needs to learn to be respectful of her boundaries, but she needs to communicate them truthfully and clearly. “I’m worried that I won’t be any good” practically invites a counterargument along the lines of “Well, if you want to be good at it, then get practicing!” By contrast, “I don’t want to because I don’t want to” is not open to debate.
@cocky
That quote was definitely kind of assholey, I agree.
But the idea of using oral sex to get things you want is definitely not unknown to teenage girls, I assure you.
Do I personally view teenage girls and teenage boys differently? Yes. Do I believe that similar behaviour is likely to have different motivations? Yes. Am I a sexist jerk? Maybe.
Thanks for all who discussed the blowjob technique ! Educating onself on those matters is soo important – and I hope we’ll soon have the pussy eating technique on another Savage Love !
@172 mydriasis : so sorry it looked like bragging. Writing it, it felt more like “at least there’s this one thing I know how to do right”. The subtility got lost on translation.
And I totally agree with your lips over teeth tip, there’s no way otherwise to do away with one’s teeth – unless very elderly. Besides, don’t resent Hunter78, if someone worshipping his dick is what he does expect from sex, I doubt he’s getting any, except from his hand. Otherwise he could go in detail on what he likes or doesn’t, right ?
@138 Blackrose : I didn’t mean that the foreskin kept covering the glans when fully erect, it does get folded around the ridge, so that it’s tricky to visually differentiate between cut and uncut when the penis is not flaccid ; but it’s still there, and it seems that playing with it does give very good sensations.
@112 Mthrfckr : hi ! Well I’ll try to up the saliva and see what happens. I totally dig the non-thrusting part, sometimes my partner moves a bit to induce a different rythm, but I love being in charge of what happens to his tasty bits.
@110 Learned Hand : thanks for the info on what your cut penis requires ! What you describe does sound more physically taxing than what I practice – especially accomodating the thrusting. By the way, my partner likes me to ease the pressure during orgasm, and to maintain speed on the movements – he says pressure hurts him at that moment, unlike right before it ; while you insist on it. As always, EricaP is right about varying tastes !
As for pussy with a moistened finger, I’m not sold out on that. Even when licked, fingers are too salty so they tend to burn by contact, and they’re not soft enough for my taste.
Take care, y’all !
@215,
“I suspect she only sucks his cock so she can guilt him into going down on her” worked for my first “real” girlfriend. Then we moved on to PIV sex (for that functionality) (just kidding).
For the record, I seriously doubt any guy just past his first sexual experience of using his penis in someone could be much good in inducing his partner’s pleasure without additional means than PIV. I know I wasn’t. Thanks again to my partners for teaching me how to do “it”.
Peace.
Dan, that was very unlike you. you’re not snarky, best i can recall. the “earlabia” comment implies that labia are unsightly. they’re not to me. but i assume your real criticism would be that labia-looking body art is a fashion faux pas — just too incongruous on a man’s head. like, for example, if a woman modified her nose to look like a penis. your general policy has always been live and let live, though – so this is curiously out of character. the beauty of people’s body art is deeply personal and in the eye of the beholder, like all other art. i hope, for your kid’s sake, your not becoming stodgy in your old age. is your column transitioning into art criticism?
Dan, that was very unlike you. you’re not snarky, best i can recall. the “earlabia” comment implies that labia are unsightly. they’re not to me. but i assume your real criticism would be that labia-looking body art is a fashion faux pas — just too incongruous on a man’s head. like, for example, if a woman modified her nose to look like a penis. your general policy has always been live and let live, though – so this is curiously out of character. the beauty of people’s body art is deeply personal and in the eye of the beholder, like all other art. i hope, for your kid’s sake, your not becoming stodgy in your old age. is your column transitioning into art criticism?
The man does have a choice. I made mine at 23 and chose to get a vasectomy. The thought of abortion gags me and it is up to each man to decide what he’s going to do with his body. I’ve been a happy fucker ever since.