[Read the original column here.]

Did I miss something here? Nowhere in An
Unmarried Woman’s letter did I read anything about how she’s been
trying to communicate her needs to boring-in-bed “Mr. Nice Guy.”

Through the years, I’ve learned to
communicate what feels good and when it’s time to refocus attention to
other areas of my body. If AUW isn’t doing this, she’s as much to blame
for her lack of satisfaction as he is. MEN AREN’T MIND READERS!

And let me add one more thought about ending
up with Mr. Nice Guy: You can have both at the same time, AUW. I was in
a similar situation to yours: seeing a really great guy who wasn’t
doing it for me, while seeing another guy on the side who promised
mind-blowing sex with no possibility of commitment. It finally came to
a head when Mr. Nice Guy figured out what was going on. At that point I
had to make a choice, and I decided that he was too important to me to
sacrifice for hot sex. Lucky for me, he figured out that I was not
satisfied with where we were in our relationship—maybe he was
taking too much for granted.

The bottom line is that we remain together
10 years later, our commitment grows with each passing year, and I have
never looked back with regret. By making the time to learn what each
one enjoys, by being GGG (to the extent that we both need it), we both
experience the mind-blowing climaxes that were not there at the
beginning of the relationship. It takes a willing and motivated
partner, along with your own willingness to share your needs and
desires. And a sense of humor doesn’t hurt, either!

Still Crazy After All These Years

Every time I start to write you a letter, I
dig a little deeper in the archives and find my answer! This week’s
column, however, prompted me to write—if only to back you up 100
percent on your advice to An Unmarried Woman.

She sounds a LOT like me, and if I can help
her not make the same mistake I did, it would make me feel like maybe
my misery isn’t all in vain. I married the “nice guy” who was boring in
the sack. I got my white picket fence, etc., but the horny slut in me
has been denied for a loooooong time. I’m this close to asking for a
divorce, but with children in the mix, it’s been a tough decision to
come to. Anyway…

To AUW: DO NOT SETTLE! Take it from me: All
the comfort and security in the world won’t make up for a man who
doesn’t satisfy you in bed. Better to be alone than stuck in a shitty
marriage. You will be miserable.

Gettin’ A
Lawyer

I am usually an admirer of your advice, but
with An Unmarried Woman you got it wrong, big time, on so many levels.
She’s the one who complained that her boyfriend was perfect in every
way except sexually, where he was too vanilla.

First, you didn’t challenge AUW to ask
whether she might be unsatisfying to him, only suggesting she show him
how to be good to her. Isn’t it possible the reason he didn’t show
interest in her is because she didn’t do what he likes—or in fact
simply isn’t very good herself? For all you know, he might never have
had really good sex in his whole life, including now, so he might not
know what he’s missing. Then again, since apparently he’s so sensitive,
he might simply be intimidated by her, afraid he can’t handle her
Ferrari-type sexual engine.

Second, you suggest that if she can’t get
him to improve she should leave him because sex is obviously important
to her. Yet his “ideal” qualities are also obviously important. If she
dumps him for a guy who’s missing those, she might simply be exchanging
her present problem for one where she’s pining for everything but
sex—equally unsatisfying.

Third, your suggestion that she go out and
find a guy who does it all is, to say the least, pretty naive. I think
almost anyone would agree that the people they know who are the
greatest in bed are also not necessarily the ones they can tell their
troubles to. Sure, AUW might find a guy who’s better in bed than her
present guy, but suggesting she’ll find someone who fully satisfies her
both sexually as well as her ex lover and emotionally as well as her
bird in the hand is rather a flimsy basis for ending a relationship.
You say guys who are both are “out there,” but so are millionaires and
guys who love ballroom dancing. It doesn’t mean you should set your
sights on them any more than a kid should plan to be a pro athlete.
Choices have to be made. She’s not going to have the best of both
worlds.

K.D.

I just read your column for this week and
your advice to An Unmarried Woman was dead on. While sex is not that
important to some, it very much is to others and being married to
someone who does not share your enthusiasm can be a heavy burden to
bear.

Twenty-five years ago, when I was a virgin
Christian lad, I married a beautiful Christian woman—also a
virgin. I would sadly discover that she had no interest in sex—or
at least had no interest in sex with me. Lest I misspeak, I should say
she isn’t completely sexless. During the honeymoon period of the first
year, we scorched the sheets at least twice a month with unbridled
missionary-position sex that would end with me pulling out of her due
to her being uncomfortably dry and her saying, “It’s okay, it will get
better. We have lifetime for it to get better.” After that whirlwind
period, she settled into a nice, reliable quarterly routine of more
missionary-position sex in the bedroom (sex in any other room would
trigger her puritan morals), so I’ve had that to look forward to with
each change of seasons.

Ms. AUW, run! Run now! Run as fast as you
can and find someone who meets all of your needs, including the
orgasmic and kinky ones. If the sex isn’t good now while you are in the
rush of the newness of the relationship, it will never get better.
Living a quiet life of masturbation with someone who is boring in bed
is not the solution. It’s just sowing the seeds of discontent, seeds
that will grow into a lifetime’s worth of bitter feelings and potential
adultery. Marry someone you love, someone who loves you back AND thinks
indulging your kinky side is the best way to end the evening for the
rest of your life.

Wasting Away In
Spankeritaville

How come you didn’t challenge An Unmarried
Woman on her definition of a good “dating résumé,” which
included “never married” or “no issues”?! My marriage split up after
only 18 months, very amicably and without a single hearing. Everything
from the house to custody of the dog was negotiated in good faith and
neither of us has tried to kill the other. As far as the latter is
concerned, has there even been a person who didn’t have issues? Like
the proverbial sucker in a poker game, if you can’t identify an issue,
you are the issue. Maybe AUW’s current official boyfriend doesn’t know
that he’s a bad lay. Maybe she’s faking her orgasms. Maybe she isn’t
going to find out by asking a sex columnist.

AUW should update her requirements to
“understands fidelity” and “knows how to talk.”

Divorced (With Issues) In NYC