We’ve been thinking it for two long years. All of us. Gnawing our cheeks at night, clutching at sweaty sheets, our faces hollow and gray, our once-bright eyes dimmed by the pain of too many questions. Sometimes we cry out, en masse, to a faceless god and a cold, indifferent universe that holds its secrets close. What… rasps the death rattle of our collective sanity. What is the lubrication level of Samantha Jones’s 52-year-old vagina? Has the change of life dulled its sparkle? Do its aged and withered depths finally chafe from the endless pounding, pounding, pounding—cruel phallic penance demanded by the emotionally barren sexual compulsive from which it hangs? If I do not receive an update on the deep, gray caverns of Jones, I shall surely die!
Please don’t die. The answer is… fine. Samantha’s vagina is doing fine. She rubs yams on it, okay? She takes 48 vagina vitamins a day. It accepts unlimited male penises with the greatest of ease. Now let us never speak of it again.
Sex and the City 2 makes Phyllis Schlafly look like Andrea Dworkin. Or that super-masculine version of Cynthia Nixon that Cynthia Nixon dates. Or, like, Ralph Nader (wait, bad example—Schlafly totally does look like Ralph Nader in a granny wig). SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it’s my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car. It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls. But I digress. Let us start with the “plot.”
Carrie Bradshaw: At the end of the first SATC movie (2008)—after eleventy decades of chasing his emotionally abusive jowls through the streets of Manhattan—Carrie finally marries Mr. Big, the man of her shallow, self-obsessed dreams. It has now been two years since their nuptials. Carrie already hates it. She hates that he sits on the couch. She hates that he eats noodles out of a take-out box. She hates that he wants to spend quality time with her in their incredibly expensive and gaudy apartment. She hates that he bought her an enormous television. When Big suggests that they spend a couple of days a week in separate apartments (they own TWO apartments, because life is hard!), Carrie screeches, “Is this because I’m a bitch wife who nags you?” Congratulations. You have answered your own question.
Miranda Redhairlawyerface: Miranda is a lawyer who has red hair. She also has a child. As a working woman, Miranda is forced to miss every single one of her child’s incessant science fairs (as though children know anything of science!). Also, her lawyer boss is a cartoon dick. Miranda quits her job, and everyone is much happier. This is because women should not work. It is terrible for the children.
Charlotte Goldsteinjewyjewsomethingsomethingblatt: Life for Charlotte is unbelievably difficult. As a wealthy stay-at-home mom with two children and a live-in, full-time nanny, she sometimes has to bake cupcakes! Also, one time her little child got finger paint on a piece of vintage cloth. Therefore, Charlotte cannot stop crying. “How do the women without help do it?” Charlotte (crying) asks Miranda. “I have no fucking idea,” Miranda replies. Then they toast their disgusting glasses of pink syrup. To “them.” To the “women without help.” “If I wasn’t rich, I’d definitely just kill myself right away with a knife!” says everyone in this movie without having to actually say it. Clink!
Samantha Jones: I told you we are never to speak of this.
In order to escape their various imaginary problems, our intrepid foursome traipses off to dark, exotic Abu Dhabi (“I’ve always been fascinated by the Middle East—desert moons, Scheherazade, magic carpets!”). When they arrive, Carrie, because she is a professional writer, announces, “Oh, Toto—I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!” Each woman is immediately assigned an extra from Disney’s Aladdin to spoon-feed her warm cinnamon milk in their $22,000-per-night hotel suite. Things seem to be going great. But very quickly, the SATC brain trust notices that it’s not all swarthy man-slaves and flying carpets in Abu Dhabi! In fact, Abu Dhabi is crawling with Muslim women—and not one of them is dressed like a super-liberated diamond-encrusted fucking clown!!! Oppression! OPPRESSION!!!
This will not stand. Samantha, being the prostitute sexual revolutionary that she is, rages against the machine by publicly grabbing the engorged penis of a man she dubs “Lawrence of My-Labia.” When the locals complain (having repeatedly asked Samantha to cover her nipples and mons pubis in the way of local custom), Samantha removes most of her clothes in the middle of the spice bazaar, throws condoms in the faces of the angry and bewildered crowd, and screams, “I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE SEX!” Thus, traditional Middle Eastern sexual mores are upended and sexism is stoned to death in the town square.
At sexism’s funeral (which takes place in a mysterious, incense-shrouded chamber of international sisterhood), the women of Abu Dhabi remove their black robes and veils to reveal—this is not a joke—the same hideous, disposable, criminally expensive shreds of cloth and feathers that hang from Carrie et al.’s emaciated goblin shoulders. Muslim women: Under those craaaaaaay-zy robes, they’re just as vapid and obsessed with physical beauty and meaningless material concerns as us! Feminism! Fuck yeah!
If this is what modern womanhood means, then just fucking veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night. 
Find Lindy West every day on Slog, The Stranger‘s hot-fudge-covered blog.
hi Lindy! LOVED your post – a friend e-mailed this today and I couldn’t stop laughing! I’d written a post on my own blog ‘sweatshops for your sex in the city’ last week showing a report of what goes on behind consumerism and as an architect, thought I should point out about the real condition of construction in Abu Dhabi’s expensive hotels. While the write-up got supporters (mostly from men and secure, humorous women), a few women indulged in offended mails for because I used the term ‘vintage vagina’.
http://gipsygeek.wordpress.com/2010/05/3…
Loved your take on it!!
@Quacky: “I love you, Lindy West. I just, love, you.”
I can’t help but agree. If you ever need someone to help you move, just me & Quacky know!
LOVE THIS! Fabulous review.
Does anyone agree that the one redeeming aspect of the movie was Liza Minelli’s hilarious musical performance? Truly wonderful. I could definitely watch that segment again.
Lindy, Why are you so angry? I do not think you are objective. You are psicologically influenced so you cannot review this movie.
SATC2 is great!!!! Don´t be jeallous!!!
Let’s be honest, things were easier for everyone when sexism was transparent. Now that women are liberated ala Sex and the City, who cares any more? I would prefer it if all women wore burkas, that way I could get away with tricking straight guys into fucking me.
This is the best review I have ever read of any Sarah Jessica Parker-related travesty ever to shame nice ladies everywhere. Every one of those women is older than my mom, acts more immature than my younger sister, and is less well-bred than my dog, whom I got because she kept falling through the hole in the floor of her previous owner’s trailer house.
So are you lobotomy patients still railing against the awesomesauce review?
“IT’S FUN IF YOU STICK A DRILL IN YOUR HEAD WHOOOOOOOOOO PS WHY U HATIN”
Hate disguised as wit is what offends me, whether the point is valid or not. After reading this review and aaalll the comments that came after it, I can see that both the supporters of the movie and the Lindy lovers have valid points. I just get nauseated by everyone trying so damn hard to outdo each other with overly wordy, pseudo-intellectual blather. The fact that SATC and all its incarnations can prompt such an emotional response from supporters and critics alike says that it has struck a chord with the public, regardless of it’s feminist, cultural, farcical or stereotypical outcomes. And for the record, the SATC franchise is a post-feminist caricature that allows us to poke fun at our failures and celebrate our successes. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, then we’re just a waste of webspace.
“If this is what modern womanhood means, then just fucking veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night.”
seriously, Lindy West is my new hero.
Absolutely spot on. From a man’s perspective it is baffling how women can watch SATC and draw aspiration from it, instead of being massively offended by this unrelatable tosh.
Aaaaand, I just fell in love with you. I never got into SATC, and I still hate it.
Please don’t sew up your holes. You’re the type who should breed. Feminism! Yeah!
A-fucking-mazing.
best review ever
“Emaciated goblin shoulders” is the best phrase ever committed to paper. Or Internet.
Why can’t the Muslim fundamentalists make themselves useful for once and get murderously offended about *this?*
Bravo, Lindy.
I have ever only seem a part of one episode of SATC (latenight, in Paris, with exclamation pointy subtitles and correct diacriticals – in French! – but turned the channel at a key point to discover an episode of Jackass, which was considerably wittier and unabashedly demonstrative of how wacky Americans are) but it is my solemn belief that the SATC Concern is a key player in the Vapidizing of America.
We are most grateful for your suffering on our behalf.
PS: I miss vaudeville terribly.
Oh I looove this review Lindy. I am hysterically laughing!!! From the first minute I saw the trailer for this movie I was immediately disgusted. I really hope they don’t make anymore SATC movies. I mean are these women going to still be doing the same things when they are 80? Sadly with these characters most likely….
I’m curious about the way in which feminist issues are portrayed in the media. During the last US presidential election, I was told that the days of anti-feminism were over. Sexism? Apparently it no longer exists.
And then along comes Sex in the City 2 and we find out that folks are still yelling, “Jane, you ignorant slut.” (SNL Dan Ackroyd/ Jane Curtain)
Since this film is, in your opinion, a very bad representation of women, would you list the films that do a better job of exploring feminism? (I haven’t seen the movie so haven’t formed an opinion yet.) I’m not just interested in hearing about the movies that do a bad job of discussing the issue. I’m interested in those movies that do a good job.
Thank you in advance for you opinion.
PS. I was surprised by your comments concerning the character, Samantha.
First, a prostitute takes money for sex. It’s a trade. One person, the prostitute, agrees to have sexual relations in some form with another person, the “john”, in return for money. Regardless of how you view the morality of prostitution, it is at it’s heart a business transaction where one is either an “independent contractor” or an “employee”. I’ll have to make sure, but I seem to remember that the character, Samantha’s sexual encounters were more about power than money. In this case, she was the female equivalent of a man who had sex for the fun of it or because in society he could. Samantha’s character in the series was the female equivalent. She had sex because — well — she could. Prostitutes do it for money. Samantha did it for an orgasm. This didn’t indicate that her character didn’t have relationships. She did. She just didn’t view sexual relationships as being only with “the one” or even with someone who’s name she knew. Sex and emotional attachments were two separate interactions with men (and women as the character was bi-sexual.)
It was sex. A physical activity.
Second, I would think that should this character have invested so much time in sex? Menopause, with all it’s biological changes, would come as a shock. These days I’d be more shocked that she’s able to get hormone replacement therapy after the encounter the character had with breast cancer during the series. It’ would be interesting to have heard how Samantha’s character reacted to hormonal changes. I’m going to watch this movie to just to find out how the subject is treated. I’m not sure that they talk about sex lives after 50 in the movies. Maybe they should.
Or maybe you know of a movie that does. Who knows? Maybe it will be a movie with a sense of humor! Lord knows that with all the “stuff” we have to deal with in the world, a sense of humor makes the indignities (like menopause) easier to deal with.
SaTC was interesting. There was no guilt in being single, sexuallly active, and unmarried. It seemed to represent a continum of female sexuality and issues from the conservative Charlotte to the very sexually liberal Samantha. They were composites of female stereotypes that talked openly about sex in the media. Charlotte didn’t. Miranda did and got pregnant. Carrie did and even talked about the differentces of those who did and those who did for money. Television finally caught up to the sexual revolution that had been going on since before the Knsey report. Married people could sleep in the same bed and guess what? They had sex. Single folks did too. Let’s see if we could discuss it without calling Jane a slut.
I’m not defending nor condeming the morals of this but I am interested in why folks do or do not.
Thanks (Again)
Author Ann
Great review.
One point to bring up: I believe that many Muslim women do in fact wear baubles and sexy lingerie under their Burkas.
that was not only funny but it hit the nail directly on the head. bravo madam
I love every single word of this review. Thank you, Lindy West, thank you.
OMG I just discovered you, from a link in a comment in the NYTimes. I love you. Laughing till tears ran.
Haven’t laughed this well & good in a long while, reading your piece. The SATC brain trust should hire you to pen the next installment!
i hope i run into you one of these days in seattle and am able to buy you a drink.
Wow. SATC is sexist but it is okay I guess to be homophobic based on your quote below:
“This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls. But I digress.”
Are you saying all gay men are the same? I am sure some like SATC and some don’t. I am sure some like Barbie and some don’t. That is the same for some women. This is the problem with the “generalizations” that you supposedly are so up in arms against in SATC. Of course, it is okay to bash other groups like gay men apparently.
You don’t have to like the series or the movie. I realize that not everything is for everyone. I respect that completely. However, don’t criticize an entire group or label an entire group because of it. That is reprehensible and I am disgusted by the fact that you don’t see this is a bigoted comment.
Wow. SATC is sexist but it is okay I guess to be homophobic based on your quote below:
“This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls. But I digress.”
Are you saying all gay men are the same? I am sure some like SATC and some don’t. I am sure some like Barbie and some don’t. That is the same for some women. This is the problem with the “generalizations” that you supposedly are so up in arms against in SATC. Of course, it is okay to bash other groups like gay men apparently.
You don’t have to like the series or the movie. I realize that not everything is for everyone. I respect that completely. However, don’t criticize an entire group or label an entire group because of it. That is reprehensible and I am disgusted by the fact that you don’t see this is a bigoted comment.
No, this review is not homophobic – this show is written by gay men, and what I like to call “crate and barrel gays” who are more interested in advertising, and the uber-capitalist consumption of femininity, than any kind of complex character arc or plot. I mean, the movie was plodding along fine, and then basically gets hijacked by a huge advertisement for abu dabi – they must have been offered a lot to totally disregard their fan’s interests! I dont know if anyone mentioned this already, but also this movie basically embodies the idea of orientalism, that is, the idea that middle east culture is primitive and stuck in the past. In the movie Abu Dabi is the “new” middle east, finally coming out of its backward ways and embracing capitalism and specifically “feminism” which apparently means western feminism (everyone clap while samantha, miranda, carrie and charlotte sing “i am woman hear me roar” at the kereoke night, i’m not kidding). Interesting, actually the practice of covering yourself, when originally conceived in Islamic tradition, was a feminist resistant act, decided upon by women. Later, it became perverted and made “law” by male politicians in certain patriarchal moments. Given the current situation with US imperialism in the middle east, and images of mobs of angry arab men and “saving” oppressed arab women in the news being used to justify US occupation, this movie is not just funny-disturbing, but deeply unethical and ignorant.
This is the best review I have ever read. I was crying with laughter, but feel a little sad that this what our world has come to.
But thanks for the laughs…
I don’t care about the movie or whether you like it. That isn’t why I chose to respond to this review.
I just don’t like the idea of labeling anybody in a way unless you know them personally. Let’s not “name call.” Your comments and the comments of this reviewer remind me of the recent Newsweek article stating that gay actors shouldn’t play straight characters. So gay men can’t write for women? Women can’t write for gay men? I find that as offensive as you find the movie. I am sure that wasn’t your intention (as I doubt the movie was meant to offend women or any other group, but I can see how the movie might be taken that way by some). However, see how these comments can be taken in a hurtful way.
Just imagine if the same tone that you or the critic used were applied to women or another minority, wouldn’t you be offended? I would be.
I have spent years pushing for equality for all and will continue to do so. When we belittle a group of people or put them down, we are no better than the extreme capitalist or uber conservative nuts we are supposedly fighting against. Open dialogue creates change not lashing out at each other.
If that is how you feel about this movie or any other movie, TV show, or corporation, Don’t support them. I love that we have the power to hurt where it counts when we are against something. Hurting where it counts means hurting them in their “uber-capitalist consumption” wallets.
It is the problem with this country on both sides. Too often, we don’t want to talk about issues respectfully. We are more concerned with being witty, or creating interesting sound bites and getting attention and ratings. We no longer work together or respect differences. Again, I am sure that this was not the reviewer’s intention or your intention but it came off as bigoted to me.
On the flip side, at least we are able to have this debate. As someone stated earlier, good or bad, this movie has sure stirred up some emotions.
I did find your review funny Lindy but I can’t say it’s the best ‘film’ review I’ve ever read as you didn’t touch on any subjects like acting, lighting, directing or cinematography and instead focussed on the characters almost exclusively. While I have absolutely no love for the show or films whatsoever, I just can’t bring myself to be a killjoy and deride something that at absolute best is ‘mindless entertainment’. Some people get a kick out of it, so live and let live.
Awesome. And I came here via @DrewfromTV, in case no one else said that.
This review was awesome.
My favorite was that in the end when Carrie tells Big she cheated, he gives her a black diamond ring. So girls, cheat and you will be rewarded!!
This review makes me want to go and see the sequel. The first movie was awful. Dull dull dull. None of the actresses could act in a film and the story line was desperate. At least the way its described here it sounds so bad it could actually be hilarious.
Which is all very odd because the TV series was good. It wasn’t faultless but there was something affirming and funny and silly and I liked the four characters quite a lot. It was good, yes it was – so why did it all go so horribly wrong when they transferred it to the big screen?
Aaaaah (relief) 🙂 Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks for the casual homophobia… 🙁 I’m a gay guy who is not shallow or materialistic or obsessed with sex so don’t compare me to those women.
You pepole are just sad! This show has been around for 10 years. Didn’t you think that movies will be about the same characters and the same lives??? Dont pretend like it came as a surprice. You can hate as much as you want but ALL of you watched the show or at least some episodes.
Lindy West hates it so much but never the less she went and whatched it! Please tell me Lindsy when you bought a ticket for Sex and The City 2 did you expect to it be war drama? Maybe you were severely missled by the title of movie??? emmmm i dont think so.
Oh and by the way I don’t believe that you would turn down the shoes which “cost more that your car” if you ever had a chance to get them. I think the fact that you can’t have their livestyle is what bothers you, not the movie itself.
Dear Epsilon. (hate haters and your ilk)
Lindy West’s job as a film reviewer requires her to watch films. Even if she doesn’t fancy them, and then to give us her opinion. She doesn’t have to like it, she just has to tell us what she thought in a hopefully amusing manner. Some of us like what she says and some don’t. Just like some people like the film, and some don’t.
The fact that you have even read this review is an indication of its success don’t you think.
I hope that you understand that now. If you don’t then just watch the film again and wallow in it’s genius, it should inspire you to form more deeply insightful psychological critiques. Try not to think too hard though because you might get a bit confused again, best just think about the shoes and the clothes.
Bless.
Haha! The above comment is hilarious, and obviously written by a person who doesn’t live on the planet earth, or has never had to think about any image before (including hand-in-front-of-face). Lindsey West probably didn’t buy a ticket for SATC2, because she is a critic. You are an idiot who understands nothing.
Apologies, I was referring to “Hate Haterz”, who is obviously entitled to his/her very wrong opinion.
scarier than the movie is that my eighteen year old daughter looooooooooooved it! Help me!
Oh great. Another bunch of assholes making me feel bad for wanting to pretend I’m in Oz for a while. Guess I’ll go back to obsessing about the death of the wetlands, the unrest in Israel, my son’s recent vaccinations, my daughter’s ingestion of pesticide and hormone filled foods, the mass in my sister’s breast, the lack of my sex drive, my Teflon-covered pans, cutbacks of ALL programs at the college where I work…here’s an idea: stop focusing so hard on these industries with more power than Christianity and maybe we can defuse thema little, get back to what they were originally intended for, brief amusement.
Vom, did you ask your daughter why she loved the movie? I’d love to hear her response. Why do you think her attitude was different from yours?
I was going to have a rant but I decided there is no point. I feel that this just comes down to not all movies are made for you. This was obviously not made with you in mind but with the huge success SATC has had and is still having obviously means it has reached it’s target audience who obviously find it a pleasant escape… and what is so wrong with that… can’t a girl dream of hunky men and sparkly shoes anymore?
Oh and there is not just one type of feminist. Feminism is a very difficult subject and sexism is embedded in our culture as well as cultures around the world so who are we to say how a woman should be?
LOL it’s been literally decades since Dan Ackroyd yelled, “Jane, you ignorant slut.” at Jane Curtain’s political/social commentary.
Doesn’t look like much has changed.
As for this review and the others I’ve read about the movie, are they written to inform or just “pot stir” to get attention? Far from changing my mind about the movie and what may or may not be it’s message, I find the review to be as strident as that long ago Dan Ackroyd character. Where is the comparison to movies that do a better job at discussing the issues of sex and choices? Glib isn’t the same as funny or parody. It doesn’t seek to change minds but instead is designed to say, “Look at me! How clever!”
Have you seen the movie “Gigi”? You should. Unlike the “crass commercialism” you mention, Gigi (the movie) gently glides across the way societies have treated sexual relations and relationships in general. It doesn’t yell or call people, “sluts”.
So there, a movie that talks about sex and love without the comercialism. You can find it on Netflix if not in your local video store. Pay attention to what it’s talking about and how it is discussed.
🙂 Stop throwing temper tandrums and discuss.
You might change minds instead of just preaching to the converted.
See Roger Ebert’s review – equally hilarious: http://tinyurl.com/27rshj4
All I have to say is:
Its a film. FICTION!! thank you.
This is the best review I have ever read in my entire life. Completely spot on!
You make excellent points about how this terrible movie is a mockery of feminism, and then write that it takes everything you love about being a woman and “rapes it to death with a stiletto.”
That’s not actually funny, or clever, it’s really just hateful. It’s a horrible movie, but it’s not rape.