YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP AYP BOCK BOCK YAP YAP HEW HAW ZZZZZZZZZ. Credit: Craig Blankenhorn

We’ve been thinking it for two long years. All of us. Gnawing our cheeks at night, clutching at sweaty sheets, our faces hollow and gray, our once-bright eyes dimmed by the pain of too many questions. Sometimes we cry out, en masse, to a faceless god and a cold, indifferent universe that holds its secrets close. What… rasps the death rattle of our collective sanity. What is the lubrication level of Samantha Jones’s 52-year-old vagina? Has the change of life dulled its sparkle? Do its aged and withered depths finally chafe from the endless pounding, pounding, pounding—cruel phallic penance demanded by the emotionally barren sexual compulsive from which it hangs? If I do not receive an update on the deep, gray caverns of Jones, I shall surely die!

Please don’t die. The answer is… fine. Samantha’s vagina is doing fine. She rubs yams on it, okay? She takes 48 vagina vitamins a day. It accepts unlimited male penises with the greatest of ease. Now let us never speak of it again.

Sex and the City 2 makes Phyllis Schlafly look like Andrea Dworkin. Or that super-masculine version of Cynthia Nixon that Cynthia Nixon dates. Or, like, Ralph Nader (wait, bad example—Schlafly totally does look like Ralph Nader in a granny wig). SATC2 takes everything that I hold dear as a woman and as a human—working hard, contributing to society, not being an entitled cunt like it’s my job—and rapes it to death with a stiletto that costs more than my car. It is 146 minutes long, which means that I entered the theater in the bloom of youth and emerged with a family of field mice living in my long, white mustache. This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls. But I digress. Let us start with the “plot.”

Carrie Bradshaw: At the end of the first SATC movie (2008)—after eleventy decades of chasing his emotionally abusive jowls through the streets of Manhattan—Carrie finally marries Mr. Big, the man of her shallow, self-obsessed dreams. It has now been two years since their nuptials. Carrie already hates it. She hates that he sits on the couch. She hates that he eats noodles out of a take-out box. She hates that he wants to spend quality time with her in their incredibly expensive and gaudy apartment. She hates that he bought her an enormous television. When Big suggests that they spend a couple of days a week in separate apartments (they own TWO apartments, because life is hard!), Carrie screeches, “Is this because I’m a bitch wife who nags you?” Congratulations. You have answered your own question.

Miranda Redhairlawyerface: Miranda is a lawyer who has red hair. She also has a child. As a working woman, Miranda is forced to miss every single one of her child’s incessant science fairs (as though children know anything of science!). Also, her lawyer boss is a cartoon dick. Miranda quits her job, and everyone is much happier. This is because women should not work. It is terrible for the children.

Charlotte Goldsteinjewyjewsomethingsomethingblatt: Life for Charlotte is unbelievably difficult. As a wealthy stay-at-home mom with two children and a live-in, full-time nanny, she sometimes has to bake cupcakes! Also, one time her little child got finger paint on a piece of vintage cloth. Therefore, Charlotte cannot stop crying. “How do the women without help do it?” Charlotte (crying) asks Miranda. “I have no fucking idea,” Miranda replies. Then they toast their disgusting glasses of pink syrup. To “them.” To the “women without help.” “If I wasn’t rich, I’d definitely just kill myself right away with a knife!” says everyone in this movie without having to actually say it. Clink!

Samantha Jones: I told you we are never to speak of this.

In order to escape their various imaginary problems, our intrepid foursome traipses off to dark, exotic Abu Dhabi (“I’ve always been fascinated by the Middle East—desert moons, Scheherazade, magic carpets!”). When they arrive, Carrie, because she is a professional writer, announces, “Oh, Toto—I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore!” Each woman is immediately assigned an extra from Disney’s Aladdin to spoon-feed her warm cinnamon milk in their $22,000-per-night hotel suite. Things seem to be going great. But very quickly, the SATC brain trust notices that it’s not all swarthy man-slaves and flying carpets in Abu Dhabi! In fact, Abu Dhabi is crawling with Muslim women—and not one of them is dressed like a super-liberated diamond-encrusted fucking clown!!! Oppression! OPPRESSION!!!

This will not stand. Samantha, being the prostitute sexual revolutionary that she is, rages against the machine by publicly grabbing the engorged penis of a man she dubs “Lawrence of My-Labia.” When the locals complain (having repeatedly asked Samantha to cover her nipples and mons pubis in the way of local custom), Samantha removes most of her clothes in the middle of the spice bazaar, throws condoms in the faces of the angry and bewildered crowd, and screams, “I AM A WOMAN! I HAVE SEX!” Thus, traditional Middle Eastern sexual mores are upended and sexism is stoned to death in the town square.

At sexism’s funeral (which takes place in a mysterious, incense-shrouded chamber of international sisterhood), the women of Abu Dhabi remove their black robes and veils to reveal—this is not a joke—the same hideous, disposable, criminally expensive shreds of cloth and feathers that hang from Carrie et al.’s emaciated goblin shoulders. Muslim women: Under those craaaaaaay-zy robes, they’re just as vapid and obsessed with physical beauty and meaningless material concerns as us! Feminism! Fuck yeah!

If this is what modern womanhood means, then just fucking veil me and sew up all my holes. Good night. recommended

Find Lindy West every day on Slog, The Stranger‘s hot-fudge-covered blog.

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

540 replies on “Burkas and Birkins”

  5. for comments like 31 that say this review is anti-feminism simply because it’s complaining about SATC2(chick film) and not an action film: You obviously ARE a man, otherwise you’d realize that the series was EMPOWERING to women. it was liberating to have character speak and behave so candidly, and not always modestly or heroically in about and in sex — and life in general. These films don’t do anything the series did but dress them up and start them off in NYC. It’s MISREPRESENTATION being sold as if it was the same product then suddenly making all these bazaar changes even t the very core of the characters. For example, as Lyndy mentioned; Miranda not working–that is so beyond outside of her character as was her behavior in the first film. ALL of these characters, even Charlotte, started off working and the other 3 are all self-made so the idea that they can’t handle being rich and not having more help as a plot tactic to get them out of the country to make this ridiculous, and antiquated(as far as contemporary cultural understanding of the Middle East) ‘feminist’ statement is insulting tot he intelligence of intelligent women who appreciated the whimsical characters in the series because they were grounded in reality and were admirable women in the ways Lyndy says she’s insulted as a woman by their less than admirable behavior in this ‘film’.

  6. Movies are a place to escape into fantasy, guilty pleasures and yes, over the top, out of this world, completely fake scenarios. You take this movie and yourself way too seriously.

  7. And though I respect that your job is to watch movies and comment on them good or bad, I would hope you leave the “jewyjew” comments out of your next article. It is hard to take someone seriously when they are making slurs against Jewish names and gay men.

  8. #384
    How does Abu Dhabi embrace feminism today? Why is sex trafficking so successful in that country? Why aren’t gay men allowed to be open in public about who they are in Abu Dhabi? Or is that allowed in the free zone? I didn’t go to see SAC2 to be educated about Abu Dhabi. Although it’s true–Abu Dhabi probably threw a lot of money at that movie, which is like a big commercial for the place. I teach at NYU which has a partnership with Abu Dhabi to build a university there–I think Abu Dhabi throws a lot of money at the West to basically ignore the injustices that go on there in the spirit of mixing the two worlds–What a slick P.R. job! I think the movie is symbolic of how suspectible both cultures are to looking away from harsh realities in in the spirit of artificial good times! Fine food, designer clothes, exotic locales, “being among the locals” in the most sanctimonious kind of way.

  9. And though I respect that your job is to watch movies and comment on them good or bad, I would hope you leave the “jewyjew” comments out of your next article. It is hard to take someone seriously when they are making slurs against Jewish names and gay men.

  10. And though I respect that your job is to watch movies and comment on them good or bad, I would hope you leave the “jewyjew” comments out of your next article. It is hard to take someone seriously when they are making slurs against Jewish names and gay men.

  11. I’m a woman of 52, have constant ever increasingly fab sex with partner of 30 years, no yams. Guess I’m lucky. However I found this review on the web and now I’m considering leaving him, job, home, children, country and moving 8000 miles to Seattle. Ace.

  12. READING THIS REVIEW CURED MY CANCER, PAYED OFF MY STUDENT LOANS AND REDUCED THE GULF OIL SPILL BY 2,000 BARRELS PER DAY

    lindy/savage 2012

  13. And America continues to drown in a cesspool of ignorance, decadence, and escapism.

    There is no sin except stupidity. ~ Oscar Wilde.

  16. Don’t you think you’re contributing to the materialism and cynicism of our times in your sarcastic and acerbic tone? Vulnerability and sincerity- now that would be revolutionary!

  19. Great review writing! Nasty but not vulgar, without lefty boilerplate…
    SATC as a tv show worked ’cause they kept it light, small doses of the characters and their “difficulties” kept them from being annoying. A fantasy view of life in NYC was well paced and written…the sex looked fun too
    however, a movie requires a bit more depth to work…
    Product placement combined with social comment lite can only come out crass.
    Nice to see that NYC has finally been replaced by a better place to live out the consumerist fantasy life – Abu Dhabi presents the worst aspects of both the free enterprise system, and, despite money and education, the “modern” middle east’s social structures. at least it’s only a movie
    if only it could be so easy to effect real change
    k

  20. I like comment 412. This review is so exaggerated and forced it makes obama’s speech on bp oil yesterday seem sincere.

  22. I think it’s pretty fucked up to write a review critical of stereotyping women and then promote stereotypes of your own :”a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls.” Isn’t Sarah Jessica Parker an executive producer of the film? Women seem to be just as responsible for the promotion of this garbage as gay men are. Stop lumping me into things I really don’t enjoy. Otherwise it’s a beautifully witty review. Unfortunately, in my opinion, it has been tainted.

  23. LOL!!!!! Lindy, you are SO FUCKING BRILLIANT, I HAD to read this again!

    Wasn’t Sex and the City created during the filthy-stinking-rich-material-girls-rule-fuck-feminism-and-Dubya-hopes-it-hurts Bush era?

    @426: Okay, okay. I saw the original 2008 SATC for decadent girlish escapism, too. But–agh–once, for me, is enough. Lighten UUUUUUP!! Your opinion sounds so uptight, progressive-hating Republican exaggerated and forced you make Sarah Palin sound sincere.

  24. @426: Okay, I saw the original SATC for decadent, girlish escapism. But once, for me, was enough.

    Lighten UP! Why the Obama bashing?
    Or did you vote for Sarah?

  30. No, no, no. This reason this movie sucks is because it took a perfectly decent dumb, escapist, shallow TV show (and film finale that should have been a one-off) and took it to the ISHTAR place, a desert of cheese. “It’s like it was written by a slutty, misogynistic gay man!” was a novel observation…in 1998. What’s really sexist is thinking that every woman you see in a film has got to Represent. It’s fiction, and fiction can and should go any place it wants, whether realistic, arty, campy, cheesy, offensive, or otherwise. Sure, this p.o.s. might be an embarrassment to the women who were in it, if they weren’t already shameless hideous mutants, but it shouldn’t be an embarrassment to you, just because you also have a vagina. And to argue that they shouldn’t put it out there because it reflects badly on womankind is, beneath the veneer of sensitive lefty correctness, a fascist little cry for censorship.

  31. Your wonderful writing just got an audience of about 500 poets and writers from Melbourne, Australia via Fishbook! More power to your arm!

  34. Great review Lindy, you have a link from the great Arts & Letters, so pooh pooh to haters. Wake up stupid overpaid shoe lovers, they’re not priceless artefacts, they prevent you from getting thorns in your feet. And that’s all.

  35. Lindy West, would you consider dating me? I am a ruggedly handsome man who lives on a twenty-five thousand dollar a year stipend in Baltimore.

  37. I despised this film, but I could also care less for this review.

    Now I know it’s a long film, but did you at some point fall asleep? Miranda doesn’t quit her job because it’s bad for her child, she quits her job because it’s bad for her. At the end of the film she has found a new job at a firm where she is happier.

    And onto your charges against Ms. Jones. Samantha might be 50-odd but she is surely entitled to enjoy, or want to enjoy, sex with anyone she pleases. I don’t find your “slut-shaming” palatable. Perhaps you should keep your judgments off other peoples bodies and enjoy the autonomy you have over your own.

    There are certainly bigger, and more relevant problems with this film. Unfortunately the writer fails to notice these, going instead for the quicker, more obvious sensationalist pseudo-feminist jibes.

    Second wave feminism is a bitch.

  38. What’s this Lindy West saying?

    1.That millions of women wear fashion and behave like barbie dolls because gay men make them?

    If so, then either she assumes that a) homosexual men can’t help but objectify women and therefore detests them for being so objectifying, or b) that the millions of women who actual do wear fashion and behave like barbie dolls are stupid for being so easily manipulated by gay men, and are a waste of space for doing so.

    2. It sounds like she thinks being a valuable human being is by ‘working hard’ and ‘contributing to society’,
    I presume this means she doesn’t think that those humans who don’t work hard and contribute anything to society (either through laziness or a general sense that society doesn’t warrant contributing to for whatever reason) are valueless?

    The rest of her review must be read in light of these two points.

  39. So you hated everything about it long before you stepped in the theater. Why bother reviewing it? There is no movie that Michael Patrick King could ever write for these characters (that you LOATHE) that could ever satisfy you. So how much does your review matter? Let me be clear, not at all.

  40. Surely you can separate rampantly materialistic consumer-friendly feminism (i.e. “empower yourself with a Venus razor!”)from the real life women and men (lest we forget) who want to achieve some semblance of equality and respect, right? If you’re looking to SATC for tips on how to conceptualize feminism or ‘modern womanhood,’you’ve chosen a tough row to hoe. Besides the fact that there are many ideas of what feminism is out there, the most valuable kind challenges class disparity, racism, ableism, misandry etc etc and all the other sour candies together–it should recognize that we can’t see them as mutually exclusive. If that kind of feminism was considered sexy, we wouldnt have seen the grossly xenophobic scenes in Abu Dhabi.

    And yes, Sam has been drained of her wit and is a caricature of herself but it’ll always be cool (and important) to see an older woman pursue her sexual desires. Why did you call her a prostitute? And not a “stud” or “playgirl” or whatever? Have you ever referred to a male character as a prostitute? Come on.

    I’m as disappointed in the franchise as many people are but I do see a ton of sexism in the reviews about the movie that are over-the top. Yours was pushing it, and in a way that seemed a little too gung-ho. How can you critique the commercialization of feminism when your approach is so misogynist? Your review is very colourful (in that playground-namecalling fashion) but I doubt any real commitment you may espouse to stopping sexism.

  41. Whooo Hoooo. Yer speakin’ truth to power…

    Not really. I’m thinking it’s more like kicking kittens and pulling the wings off of butterflies.

    “Those mean butterflies. How dare they fly around in their gaudy wings flitting from flower to flower. I fix ’em.”

    OR maybe this is a kind of meta humor. I seem to remember two different characters who criticised “the girls” for their childish, materialistic ways. Both of them threw baby showers. If you’re a fan of the television show you know the two story lines. One was the baby shower where Carrie had her new silver Manolo’s stolen and the other was an ex rocker turned “lady who lunched”. This second one later crashed Samantha’s “I’m childless and fabulous party.”

    LOL Lindy? Ah mercy you sound just like ’em.

    Worth a look.

  42. If Theodor Adorno had a wicked sense of humor he might write cultural criticism this trenchant, witty, and well-wrought. Brava!

  43. A friend of mine found this and shared it on Facebook. It is so BRILLIANT, I have also passed it on. Excellent writing, Lindy! I have also added The Stranger to my list of “likes”, and will be back frequently to The Stranger. A first class read, even for somebody like me who lives in Hong Kong :-0

  44. SATC has its problems, no doubt about it, but I don’t think Lindy’s reference to Samantha’s aging pussy does much for women’s rights either. People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

  45. “”This is an entirely inappropriate length for what is essentially a home video of gay men playing with giant Barbie dolls. But I digress.”

    Are you saying all gay men are the same?”

    No. Clearly she is not. That’s your inference. Not her implication.

    And to see idiots saying it’s somehow “unfeminist” to criticize this superficial commercial garbage is really a sign of “feminist” fellow travelers having their heads up their …. well, ass.

    I disagree with the Barbie dolls bit though. The key to sex and the city is that these four characters are essentially gay men in drag.

  46. “I always find it interesting that many people have forgotten that the series and the book that SATC is based on is essentially fantasy, with broadly-drawn (no pun intended) female archetypes.”

    I always find it interesting that many people have forgotten that the book and the series tore these women apart and said they were high class hookers who’d fuck you for a Gucci, while the series turned them into gay male icons, and wish fulfilment for sad women. I know women who have got into serious problems by believing the Mr Big nonsense, and waiting for their own (and believing they’ve found him). Ah well, they deserved it.

    Sex and The City shows you that four women can be average looking, superficial, characterless fashion victims of no social merit whatsoever, and not much wit, and still have a constant stream of much more worthy men wanting to fuck them and/or marry them. It ain’t so. But the fantasy suits some.

  47. I think the last time SITC entertained me was when Miranda bought the bra before her mother’s funeral. It’s been in the crapper for years but it’s nice that the intelligensia are starting to notice.

  48. I am laughing so hard that I am in tears. You have justified this movie’s existence since it inspired you to write this article. My husband said he might have to sue you if I die laughing.

  49. fozzlebear (post 31). You spotted the imbalance. I do indeed despise 007 films in the same way, and yet do not hear such venomous reviews. I found Linda’s brilliant review here when recommended whilst browsing Guardian.co.uk about something on another topic (not the one below). Although I agree with Linda’s POV, we need as much ferocity at male dominated lightweight films.
    Check out this article:
    http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2…

    I enjoyed ‘The Hangover’, after it had been recommended but because I had been warned about its dubious sexist humour (spelling correct. I’m British) I adjusted my critical levels accordingly. The film was only just a bit dodgy until the appearance of Mike Tyson at which point I felt uncomfortable. Why no outrage at that?

    I think it was down to one thing: On balance that film was funny and laughed at its male leads’ uselessness, whereas SITC2 sounds boring and self congratulatory. Smugness is the one unforgivable thing in a comedy.

    An important detail about feminism: Significantly, it was the fight for LIBERATION, not equality (it was called ‘women’s lib’, remember?). The question to ask might be: does this film depict liberated women? It is a shame that maybe the answer is ‘yes’.
    I don’t think that the trailblazers were intending such an outcome forty years on.
    But on the other hand, the ‘Hurt Locker’, directed by a woman, won the Oscar. It was weird, though, that this was such a big deal – when the issue might have been – how come it took so long!

  50. Oh now.

    I know Sex and The City is a feeble sham of a depiction of female friendship and a mortal isult to the city that gave the world Valerie Solanas, but pur-leeeeeze, don’t do all Jihadi just because of this.

    Go Maoist if you must, or revolutionary communist, but don’t kid yourself that Burkha’s are the radical alternative to Birkins.

    Becase they really really aren’t

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