Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: Is he gay? How do you clean out the garage? Should we add a "P" to LGBT? Should a dancer accept money from creeps? Also, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.

On Kevin Spacey:

Dan, I respect your opinion on all sorts of things, sexual strangeness particularly, so if you think Kevin Spacey's apology/de-closeting sandwich was shitty, then I have to defer to your expertise. But can you walk me through it? Because I'm trying to imagine what the right response looks like, and I'm coming up blank. The best I can figure is that he should have done paragraph 1 (I don't remember it, but I believe you and sincerely apologize) and left out paragraph 2 (by the way, I am in fact gay). But to me, for an ostensibly straight man to own up to accusations that he tried to have sex with a dude without acknowledging that he's gay would be seriously wacky. Like if I came over to your house and said, "Where's Fido?", and you replied "I buried him in the backyard." Sure, I can tell from context that your dog died, but it's really weird for you to skip over that part of the story. It's not like he can just let that be the first question at the press conference, because it's not a press conference. It's Twitter, and Twitter is a fucking zoo. He sort of has to mention something about being gay, right?

And as I'm writing this letter, I see that a bunch of other people are now relating their "Kevin went creepy predator on me" stories, so it's a little hard to take his "sincere" apology seriously. But if you can indulge me, turn back the clock to the halcyon days of November 2nd, when Anthony Rapp was the only other character in this story, and put on your publicist hat for a moment, and take a crack at writing the proper response for Kevin Spacey to tweet out.

Is it just that Spacey has taken what ought to be an occasion for celebration and applause (celebrity coming out) and done it in a setting where celebration and applause are not an option? Because if that's the problem, it seems like everybody could just decline to celebrate and applaud. Anyway, I'm curious to hear some detail on what you think about this.

If you're going to choose to remain closeted your entire adult life while you run around assaulting people of the same sex... the moment someone publicly accuses you of assaulting them when they were a 14-year-old boy is not the time to say you've "had relationships with both men and women" but "choose now to live as a gay man." Being gay is not a choice, first, and gay men have been assaulted, arrested and murdered due to the false association of gayness with a propensity for child rape. And I'm not interested in gaming out what Spacey should've said.


If your not going in more than an inch, the bulb type does a reliable job. To test this before committing to Mr S, buy a fleet enema at the store. Replace the toxic chemicals in it with lukewarm water and give it a go. If you are going to really clean out the garage, get the shower shot with the rubber nozzle. Just be careful to limit the flow to nothing stronger than your own pee stream. To much pressure and you will empty out the whole parking lot.

For UHB:

I disagree with Dan that ass-play lands a man anywhere on a bi spectrum. LW should relax and keep in mind that if her BF is bi, it is a win for her. Bi partners are better in bed, tend to be more comfortable in their skin, judge other people and their kinks/desires less (or at least at a younger age) and if she can get past the 'will I be enough?' hang-up that has nothing to do with gay/straight/bi and everything to do with self-esteem, her BF may be someone to help her break through her insecurities. LW: Don't stress about this—your BF sounds like he is open and honest with you. Take him at his word and work on growing and evolving together. You sound young—have fun!

Wait just a minute: I never said that ass play automatically lands a man on the bi spectrum. I entertained the possibility that the LW's boyfriend might be bi, at the LW's request, but also said this: "Or he could be a straight guy who’s really, really, REALLY into ass play..." I'm only guilty of doing what you yourself did in this response: encouraged the LW to think about what it would mean if her BF were bi and to consider whether it would really be that awful. Sheesh.


Cash the check and don't stress about it. The fact that this couple are in their 70s makes it an easier call than it might have been if they were middle-aged. My guess is they don't have much (if any) contact with their kids or grandkids (if any) and thus they all too easily became overly familiar and solicitous of a random young person who came into their orbit, subconsciously trying to fill this void in their lives. Sure they acted inappropriately, but chalk it up as a life lesson, cut them a bit of slack and be more discerning where you stay next time. I expect you'll understand their behavior completely when you're their age.

Regarding my huzzzzben:

Hi Dan. I am an avid listener. Love your show. But could you please please please stop referring to Terry as your "huuzzband [sic]." You persist in doing it and it seems like you’re embarrassed by taking on that name. Maybe it’s because you’ve recruited Terry as a spokesperson for ads and so I get a sense of him. He seems so nice, and it seems kind that such a shy guy (in some ways) would do that for you. I mean he seems so devoted that I think he needs to be addressed as something more than the awkward, self-conscious, jokey huuuuzzband [sic]. If “husband” is weird for you to say, Dan, then call him something else. Something that doesn’t seem so half-hearted. You won’t stop, I know, but were I to have a huuuzband [sic] even half as devoted as yours, I wouldn't call him something like that. He’s worth a better title.

I started calling Terry mah huzzzzben when we got married—more than a dozen years ago—because in all honesty it felt so weird to call him that. To be able to call him that. I never expected that marriage, legal marriage, would happen in our lifetimes. And while I didn't have a problem calling him my boyfriend, calling him my husband took some getting used to. So I played up my... well, not quite my discomfort with the word. I played up my unfamiliarity with it. It felt strange to say it—the word "husband," unlike my husband, felt awkward in my mouth—so I said the word in an awkward way. I did what I advise my readers/listeners to do: you gotta embrace awkwardness to get past it. And I am past it now. It no longer feels strange to call Terry my husband, and I'm capable of saying the word these days without hesitation. But you know what? I like calling him mah huzzzzben. It's less "this is weird and new and feels awkward to say!" and more "this is my own affectionate pet name for him!" And I'm gonna keep saying it.

Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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