The gig is up.
The gig is up.
The gig is up.

First, the most important news:

Sarah Sanders is out: Rumor has it she’s on a train straight to hell.

What do we do about drunks throwing axes?: The Washington State Liquor and Cannabis Board (WSLCB) isn’t sure what to do about giving axes to the hammered, reports Capitol Hill Seattle Blog. The new indoor axe-throwing bar, Blade and Timber, debuted in Capitol Hill last March but it has yet to receive a beer-only liquor license. The Kansas-based chain (yes, this is a nationwide thing) serves booze at their other locations, and the CEO of the company is flying in to have a meeting with the WSLCB to change their minds. Look, I think we should be able to legally drink in the streets, but if this axe-throwing bar gets booze before strip clubs get booze I WILL THROW A PRIDE RIOT!!!!!

Seattleites are so weird: Why don’t you like the heat?!

Please don’t go to war please don’t go to war please don’t go to war: The U.S. has blamed Iran for tanker attacks in the Gulf of Oman. The attacks occurred today and drove up oil prices, but, more critically, inflamed tensions between the U.S. and Iran. U.S. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said “Iran is lashing out because the regime wants our successful maximum pressure campaign lifted,” but Iran responded that it “categorically rejects the U.S. unfounded claim with regard to 13 June oil tanker incidents and condemns it in the strongest possible terms.”

SDOT updates its plan for building bike lanes: But the changes are minimal, reports Heidi Groover at the Seattle Times. The updated six-year bike work plan was released today, adding back many bike lanes and greenways that were cut in an earlier plan. Mayor Durkan’s administration received fierce criticism from biking advocates who felt Durkan’s administration was failing cyclists and building a city for drivers. Still, these updates are small and construction could be years away.

This is so cute that I gasped: Curbed Seattle has a great piece from Alex Garland about how Seattle’s second-tallest skyscraper has become a refuge for Peregrine falcons, the world’s fastest animal.

I have a soft spot for Peregrine falcons: It’s the official state raptor of Idaho. (I believe Idaho is the only state with an official state raptor. Fourth-graders in New Hampshire tried to make the red-tailed hawk their official state raptor and the bill was “rejected right in front of them” in 2015. You should really read that story. It’s insane and hilarious. Let me know when you get to the part where a New Hampshire Rep. says the red-tailed hawk would be a better mascot for Planned Parenthood since it rips its prey limb-by-limb.) As a kid growing up near Boise, I went to the World Center for Birds of Prey multiple times and fell in love with these fickle, gorgeous birds. Have you ever read H Is for Hawk? Okay, I’ll stop. Wow! Who knew I loved these dinosaur birds so much!

Government agency suggests Kellyanne Conway should be removed from office: Special Counsel Henry Kerner released a letter today that claimed Conway’s “disregard for the restrictions the Hatch Act places on executive branch employees is unacceptable.” The White House responded by saying the agency was violating Conway’s right to free speech.

I wish I didn’t have to write about mass shootings every day: The man accused of slaughtering 51 people at mosques in Christchurch, New Zealand, has pleaded not guilty. His trial is expected to begin in May 2020 unless he changes his plea. The next hearing will be on Aug. 15.

Finally, visibility for lesbian ponies: The unthinkable has happened—My Little Pony is about to get even gayer. The Discovery Family cartoon has introduced a same-sex couple for the first time. The lesbian horse-couple includes two horses named Aunt Holiday and Auntie Lofty. The episode has already aired in Europe and will air in the U.S. on Saturday. Honestly, I don’t know how any of these horses are straight, but I’m not an expert in horse-fucking. Paging Charles Mudede.

Jeff and Joe are fighting: But they seem to sort of agree that our tax codes are fucked up! Biden joins many on the left, including Warren, in criticizing Amazon’s “corporate tax avoidance.” Biden will be in Seattle later this month. He also famously wrote a column for The Stranger, “Movies I’ve Cried in by Joe Biden.”

New York ends religious exemptions for required vaccines: The state will require all schoolchildren to be vaccinated, regardless of religious objections. New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo signed the bill today. New York has been hit hard by the nationwide spike in measles cases, largely due to low vaccination rates in some ultra-Orthodox communities. One of the bill’s sponsors, Sen. Brad Hoylman, told NPR: “The atrocious peddlers of junk science and fraudulent medicine who we know as anti-vaxxers have spent years sowing unwarranted doubt and fear, but it is time for legislators to confront them head-on.”

A personal question: My boyfriend has never ever heard the song “Let It Go.” At least, this is what he claims. Y’know, the song from Frozen? The song that was basically literally everywhere for years? The song that was impossible not to hear? He says he’s never heard it. My question is four-fold: Firstly, should I force him to listen to it? Secondly, do you think he’s actually never heard the song? Thirdly, should I make him watch this new trailer for Frozen 2? Fourthly, are you angry at me for embedding this trailer for Frozen 2?

I actually don’t give a fuck about Frozen but I do love videos of twerking Elsa:

Chase Burns is The Stranger's former editor. He's covered everything from gay luchadores to chemical weapons to Isabella Rossellini's favorite pets.