Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: What do you do when your senior-and-still-married-to-your-father mother starts boozing and cruising? How does a married woman get her boyfriend to shut up about his new girlfriend? And how does this letter writer give her straight boyfriend the gay blowjob he secretly yearns for? Also, a guy who can't stop thinking about all the fun sex his girlfriend had with his exes. Finally, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast.
On my recent appearance on Real Time with Bill Maher:
I’m an avid listener of Bill Maher. I look forward to his weekly show and various quests. Last week you were one of those.
When you were discussing the stigma surrounding paying for sex, you erroneously made a statement that certain people in society like quadriplegics need to pay for sex. Not only was your statement misinformed, it showed ignorance when it comes to disability and sex. If you did your research into quadriplegia, and there are plenty of sources to help you with this, you would not make such a generalized and incorrect statement.
Your statement portrayed quadriplegics as helpless people, who are not deemed ‘sex worthy’ by the society and therefore have to resort to pay for sex. And you could not be further from the truth. There are different levels of injury when it comes to spinal injury and no two cases are the same. Yes, it’s true that some quadriplegics may need medical assistance in having sex, whether it comes in form of pills, pumps etc. But this does not translate to not being able to forge close relationships and enjoy sex life without the use of sex workers. I cannot speak on behalf of all quadriplegics and I’m sure some of them enjoy the services of sex workers, but from my experience quads have broken spines, not broken social skills.
From my personal experience, my husband is a quadriplegic and works as a judge. He is a very attractive man and his disability does not and never has stopped him from enjoying his sex life without having to pay for it. There’s nothing wrong with paying for sex between two consenting parties, but you are wrong to make a generalized statement that quadriplegics have to pay for sex.
Thanks for writing. I didn’t say what I intended to say very elegantly on Maher. Here’s a piece I wrote about incels and sex work where I was able to unpack my thoughts more carefully and here’s a link to the kind of piece I mentioned on Maher (also linked in my Slog post).
I know that disabled people are capable of finding love, sex, romantic partners, casual partners—and that includes quadriplegics. I was referring to—or attempting to refer to—people who are profoundly disabled and dependent on caregivers to such an extent that it is practically impossible (but not entirely impossible) for them to find partners (or to find them easily).
Again, thanks for writing, and all the best to you and your sexy, accomplished man who doesn't have to pay for sex—not that, again, there's anything wrong with paying for sex.
Another on my spot on Real Time:
Saw Mr. Savage on MAY 18 REAL TIME yesterday and his stance on Interrogation. He is opposed. I would love to see him in a cage with an ISIS animalistic Holy Fighter about to burn him up within five days and the US Army with an ISIS hostage. What do you think, Mr. Savage, can we put you in a box like the Nazis did to Jews? Were those Jews withholding critical intelligence information from their Nazi captors or did the Nazis do that for entertainment purposes? Was that a SENSIBLE analogy Mr Savage? Your stance on Israel is another spark of brilliant thinking Netenyahu turned Israel into republicans? Obama had nothing to do with it? THE WORST RAPPORT with a sitting American President and the state of Israel in history You feel that Israel should tone down the violence? Maybe the American Indians should ask for the return of Manhatten? Take your head out of your ass. You will be afraid to put this in your blog
So scared to put your letter on my blog. So very scared.
I don't oppose interrogation, I oppose torture. (I also oppose weasel phrases and dishonest euphemisms like "enhanced interrogation.") I oppose torture because it's wrong, first and foremost, but also because it doesn't fucking work. Here's a little something about Israel moving to the right. Spoiler: not Obama's fault. And maybe you should learn how to spell Manhattan?
For IDIOT, the man whose gender-curious son saw the trans porn he jerked off to and now his wife thinks CPS is going to take away their kids (oh, his wife slapped him too):
To IDIOT: You know how people love to say things like, "Well this happened to me when I was a kid and I turned out FINE?" Well, that's not always true. BUT. I was unintentionally* exposed to a LOT of porn. A lot. You see my parents were stupid enough (or didn't want to be bothered enough?) to let me have a TV in my room when I was a kid and I lived in NYC, and had Public Access, so BOOM: Robin Byrd and all the sex line "advertisements" and wow. I'm talking full on nudity. Some of the "ads" had full on fucking. Men on men, women on women, chicks with dicks, you name it. From the age of seven on, I watched whenever I could and ate it up.
I was too young to be physically aroused by it, but certainly old enough to be fascinated. I'm also sure some of the early stuff I saw imprinted into certain erotic lynchpins. But, hey, I'm fine. I certainly hid it from my parents and I would have been MORTIFIED about talking to my parents about it. My guess is that's why your kid didn't say everything they saw. But I had a mom that was good about talking about sex as I went through puberty. And I had access to Dan Savage and Dr. Judy Kuriansky.
I've had sex issues—we all have—and learned how to address them and I think I'm pretty good about open communication in that regard. Your child may be trans/non-binary/agender. So if they have an early memory of a chick with a dick, that's not gonna be the end of the world. I'm not saying kids should watch porn. I don't think they should. But your kids will at some point watch porn or be exposed to it and the question becomes what they do with that and what adults they can turn to if they have questions. Certainly don't interrogate your child about this. Be more careful with your porn, keep talking to your kid about gender, and work hard to instill sex positive values. And leave your wife if she slaps you again. WTF?
For MMM, the woman whose mother picked up a heavy drinking habit:
Having a social life isn't a problem. Having a sex life isn't a problem. Drinking heavily IS a problem, and that's the one MMM should address first. Al-anon is a good start. So is keeping a record of how often her mother comes home drunk/is drinking.
I would advise knocking THAT one on the head PDQ. If MMM is going to be her mother's primary caretaker, being the primary caretaker of an alcoholic AND someone in nursing care is a hefty burden. It doesn't even have to be a full-on Dr. Phill intervention... I once realized that a relative of mine coped with extreme stress with extreme drinking, and told it to them when they were sober and not under stress. (This person had already had some issues with it, so they were aware.) I told them, "Please go to a therapist and learn a healthier way of dealing with your stress, because being blind drunk is not okay." And that person did.
Also, for the sake of everyone's privacy and sanity, I suggest that MMM have a conversation with her mother about how her phone isn't as private as she thinks it is. And I didn't interpret that as snooping... but that MMM gets to fix her mom's phone when it isn't working or that she's accidentally getting messages meant for her mother.
And:
MMM needs to make sure her mother isn't drinking and driving because that's a huge safety issue for her and others. Loneliness is a such a hard issue to deal with and I think she needs help. I hope she gets it and stops drinking so she can sort through all these confusing feelings and keep her own health together. Good luck to MMM for trying to be a good daughter.
For MENS, the woman with the boyfriend who won't shut up about his new girlfriend:
"He wanted to keep us alive because he said ‘you never know what may happen in future.'"
And there's her own statement which she can't seem to interpret for herself. She's basically his fallback insurance plan when he returns to where she lives and he wants to make sure that he has a sure thing waiting.
I do wonder how her husband is handling her moods as I presume he's hearing echoes of the international drama—whether he wants to or not.
And:
I'm in the DTMFA camp, since he got angry when she explained her concerns and continued sexting when she asked him to stop.
"As of today, he’s booked a flight back home to see me."
I'd tell him not to come; that you won't see him. Then stick to that.
For BLOW, the girlfriend whose boyfriend secretly wants a blowjob from a dude:
If BLOW is already providing blow jobs, then it seems likely that BLOW's BF is actually looking to suck cock. They've been together eight years. If she feels they otherwise have a great relationship, she might keep in mind that it can be difficult in our culture for men to admit to any bisexuality at all. And that sucking cock is not risk-free, but it's also not super risky.
One thing she could propose, short of having him actually experiment with guys, is incorporating some dirty talk about blow jobs into their sex life. Can she tease him during sex about how she loves her nasty cocksucking boyfriend? If so, she may find that his excitement turns her on. These things can be fun to explore.
On the other hand, if the relationship has already been struggling, then it may be time to put it out of its misery.
And:
Boyfriend of eight years? I'd move on.
If BLOW isn't into the idea of being with a bi/bicurious/bi-active/heteroflexible guy and if she can't forgive her boyfriend for downloading that app, yeah, she should move on. But if she's into the idea—after the shock wears off—and she can forgive him, she should stay put.
Impeach the motherfucker already! Get your ITMFA buttons, t-shirts, hats and lapel pins and coffee mugs at www.ITMFA.org!
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