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Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: A gay man getting handjobs from lady "massage women" wonders what's up with him, a letter writer's wife of thirty years no identifies as asexual and won't agree to an open relationship, and weed made sex amazing for this letter writer but weed isn't doing the trick since she got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. And, as always, last week's column and Savage Lovecast. Plus! The 14th annual HUMP! Film Festival awards!

First, some letters on—but of course—the difference, as I see it, between drag and blackface:

Dan, every week I thank the universe for you. You're such a positive and knowledgable person and I have relied on your thoughtful advice more than I care to admit. Anywho... I wanted to add to your response to the irritating feminist who compared blackface to drag. The main difference—and I'm extrapolating from So You Want to Talk About Race by Ijeoma Oluo—is who is doing the dressing-up, or to be more granular, what culture is in control of the dressing-up.

Blackface was created as a racist representation of a minority culture by the dominant white culture. Drag was created as a playful representation of a similarly-oppressed culture by another marginalized culture. Women and gays, "they" hate us both. They'll fuck us, but they hate us.

There are always exceptions. There were black performers who "wore the cork" because, well, if you were going to perform in vaudeville, that was your option. There have been jokes by drag queens about smelling like tuna that weren't my favorite. There are drag queens who are bad at their job, yes, but that doesn't make drag misogynist.

In conclusion, "Tough Question" is being deliberately obtuse and I'm irritated by her. That doesn't make feminism anti-gay. See how that works?

And:

This is actually is a great question, Dan, but you didn't rise to the occasion, because you never actually explained why blackface is racist. You just proclaimed that blackface can only reinforce/amplify racism and that it's "always" racist, instead of actually saying why. These people aren't asking you to regurgitate what the rest of the hyper-liberal community are pressuring you and the rest of Seattle to say, Dan. They're looking for actual analysis.

Some actual analysis for you here.

One more on this subject:

First-time writer, long-time masturbator (which is neither here nor there and has nothing to do with why I'm writing, but you bring about a sense of honesty). Your answer, that I just read in Toronto's Now, was one of the best and most concise I've ever seen on the subject of drag. Sue Johanson helped so much with my education and sexual frame of mind while maturing in the '90s as a weird kid in a small Canadian town, and I now look primarily towards you when I need guidance or clarification.

I loooove Sue Johanson and it's an honor to be lumped in together with her—thanks!

On the Episode 629 of the Savage Lovecast:

I'm writing about the vasectomy episode. I was surprised that nobody mentioned that there is still ejaculate post vasectomy. I've spoken with well-educated, intelligent men who believe there is no ejaculate after a vasectomy! It's true! I think many people are not educated on this topic. More men might have this procedure if they only understood this better.

Most of what goes into semen—a dude's load—is produced outside the testes. Actual sperm cells, cranked out by the testes, account for very little. Most of what goes into semen comes from the seminal vesicles, the prostate, and one or two (I forget) other glands located outside the testes. There is no perceptible difference between a man's semen before and after a vasectomy!

Regarding New To Escorting:

'New To Escorting' was contemplating whether she should tell her new boy friend that she is/may soon be working as an escort. I have no issue with any of your advice but wanted to add one additional potentially extremely important factor.

Men, assholes that we can be can be, have been known to be extremely vindictive in matters of the heart. Your reader is thinking about trusting him with the biggest secret she may ever carry in her life. Something that if revealed could ruin current family relationships, future career plans, future relationships, everything. And even if he says nothing now, Dan, there's nothing to prevent him from having a change of heart five days later, five weeks later, or even five years later. And that bell can never be un-rung.

I'm reminded of a scene from West Wing. The V.P. (who was married) was about to have an affair revealed in a tell-all book by his mistress. He's asked, "Didn't she seem like the kind woman who would do his kind of thing?" His response, "Don't they usually seem like exactly the kind that wouldn't?" In other words, you can NEVER tell. And unless you have evidence of him committing a crime that could put him in jail for a few years, you have ZERO guarantee of his silence.

My advice: take this one to the grave.

On Never Been Touched:

Even if the letter writer were to end up in a monogamous relationship with a man who considered handjobs a violation of that monogamy (which is already an "if") and therefore felt obligated to reveal that he gets jacked off by a sex worker sometimes, I don't see why he'd also have to reveal the gender of the sex worker. Unless he's going frequently enough that it could affect his sex life with his partner, his schedule, or his finances, I think this sort of kink falls into the "personal business" category, just like any masturbation. If the sex worker were a friend or date, I'd think differently, but in this case she's someone at work as a masturbatory tool, not someone with whom he's developing any sort of relationship that might grow to anything else.

As always though, the right action depends on the individuals in the letter writer's future relationships, but my guess would be that in more cases than not, there'd be no reason to reveal this, and certainly not up front or early on.

Masturbating solo and being masturbated by someone else... those aren't perfectly analogous events. And I'm uncomfortable referring to anyone as a "tool," masturbatory or otherwise. I'm particularly uncomfortable referring to sex workers as "tools," seeing as they're already subjected to so much dehumanizing language (and treatment). I think cheating, like so much else, exists on a spectrum, and a happy ending from an erotic body worker can't really be compared to, say, a years-long emotional and sexual affair with a coworker. So while a "happy ending" may be the kind of cheating easiest to forgive (and easiest to hide), most would still regard it as cheating — and therefore not something that belongs in the "personal business" category.

And follow-up from Never Been Touched:

For your peace of mind, I do always give a generous tip (in addition to the regular massage fee). And you were right — I was a deeply closeted and scared homo as a teen and only came out when I was 21.

On false positive herpes tests:

I heard the Lovecast last week and I wanted to give you important information that could help the caller and other listeners. I went through the exact same experience w HSV2 as your caller. It was very emotionally traumatic, even though the disease is more stigmatized than dangerous, and I actually had to seek counseling, because it was so confusing and burdensome to carry the stigma of an asymptomatic disease. What you and many doctors missed is that the HSV blood test is not always accurate and carries up to a 50% false positive rate! Therefore, many patients will test positive but not carry the virus. This is part of why the CDC does not recommend testing without a lesion, as swab tests do not carry the same false positive rate. University of Washington, Seattle Department of Virology offers an improved test that uses a Western Blot that has a 99.9% accuracy rate. You can send a blood sample for confirmation from anywhere in the world, and it only costs about $250, which for me was worth of peace of mind. I actually found out I was negative for the virus and that my suffering was unwarranted. Now I don't have to come out to partners or carry the burden of a medical condition I don't have. Get tested by Western Blot, and I don't have to take antivirals unnecessarily. The side note is that this is not taught in medical school, and many doctors refuse to perform the test due to arrogance and red tape of insurance companies. However, scientific literature backs up the claim, and University of Washington is indeed one of the best medical schools in the world, leaders in this area of research. I know it's a bit late to include this in this weeks episode, but please broadcast and share this information. I went through so much emotional suffering unnecessarily, and I don't want anyone else to have to go through the same. That said, even if I wasn't a false positive, it's not too big a deal.

Here's some more information:

FAQ on testing at UW: Frequently Asked Questions - The University of Washington Virology Research Clinic

Colloquial article on false positives: Flawed herpes testing leads to false positives, needless suffering - STAT

Technical Peer Reviewed Literature on False Positives and HSV Tests: Comparison of Western blot (immunoblot) and glycoprotein G-specific immunodot enzyme assay for detecting antibodies to herpes simplex virus types 1 and 2 in human sera.

And finally & ICYMI: Stormy Daniels — Stormy Fucking Daniels! — is featured on this week's Lovecast. I didn't interview her about you-know-who or ask her about you-know-what. Instead I played some calls for Daniels and she tried her hand at giving sex-and-relationship advice to my callers. Spoiler: Stormy is really, really good at it!

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