Shitty People, Liberated Women, Caged Men

Recent Savage Love Letters of the Day: He wants to try anal sex, his secret gay lover does not—is there anything he can do? An old acquaintance asked a young guy at his gym to poop in a cup—why would he do that? Her husband’s family drugged her at a destination wedding they didn’t want her to attend—who wouldn’t punch their husband in the face? And this week’s Savage Love and this week’s Savage Lovecast.

First up, about that deeply shitty request…

I’m sorry but you forgot one thing. It may or may not be about scat, Dan, so much as the shock value of talking about it. The old man was probably getting quite a sexual kick out of the shock value—in other words, the humiliation he subjected that boy to. Im sure he was enjoying stalking and staring at him too. That is a real power trip for some men. To humiliate and make someone feel unsafe in their surroundings. Even in a public place in broad daylight. Having been a young girl once, I was subjected to this sort of thing multiple times by much older men. They liked the power in shocking a naive person. The get off on shattering that person’s safe world. I’m sure the old man shattered the young man’s feeling of safety in that gym. These same men wouldn’t dare do that to an older person. They are cowards in that respect. An older person would get mad and do something about it. That isn’t the reaction they want. I’m glad the kid was able to go to the police and have that pervert stopped. Serves him right.

About the those two molly-taking, bud-cuddling bros who wondered if there was a woman out there who would appreciate Bro #1’s passion for cunnilingus and Bro #2’s passion for deep dicking…

Uh, ya. I am that female. I’m in Vancouver, BC. Can travel. Hook me up, Dan!

I’m not allowed to hook readers up with letter writers, as I’ve mentioned before, but I can’t stop my readers from lurking in the comments thread in hopes of introducing themselves to the letter writers. Ahem.

Regarding REVOLT:

Whilst I agree with you that REVOLT needs to stand up for her needs, your reply didn’t mention a critical aspect that you normally highlight: that it’s 2,000,000 times more difficult for a woman to advocate for her own pleasure than it is for a man. I feel REVOLT’s anger that, while male orgasm is placed at the centre of sex by society, female orgasm (or pleasure) isn’t. Like you’ve stated many times, women are socialized to defer to men. Female sexuality is typically portrayed in terms of satisfaction of male sexuality. A virtuous woman is one who pleases her man; a virtuous man is one who pleases himself. I think this is also why lots of hate goes to lesbian women, who (1) exist and (2) have sex without men being involved.

I’m not saying anything you don’t already know or haven’t already said in the past, but it’s a message that, in its apparent obviousness, I believe needs reinforcing when the opportunity presents: that women have a right to pleasure as much as men do, and while it’s always down to the oppressed to liberate themselves (the women weren’t liberated by the men, the blacks weren’t liberated by the whites, the gays weren’t liberated by the straights), it’s nice to remind the privileged class (whether it be white, straight, male, rich and powerful, able-bodied…), that they enjoy unacceptable privilege that comes from fundamental inequalities encoded in the concept of what is “normal.” I hope it’s not too boring or obvious for you. Keep up the great work!

A reader fundamentally misunderstands the whole point of male chastity devices…

I just read something you wrote about male chastity devices. It did not contain the answer i was looking for. I want to know if it’s ok to wear a good-fitting male chastity belt for my penis for the purpose of not getting horny during the day. I don’t want it for sex. I want it to stop any horniness so I can focus on working. The horny pressure is high and I find I can’t focus.

I follow a few male chastity practitioners on Twitter—Caged Jock, Fit and Locked, Thumper, Ruffled Sheets (all links to NSFW Twitter accounts)—and I don’t get the impression that wearing cock cages stops these guys from getting horny or makes them think about their cocks any less. To the contrary, the whole point of wearing a male chastity device (or being forced to wear one) is that it keeps a guy in a near-constant state of arousal and frustration. Anti-depressants could take the edge off… but all the time, not just during the day. Having a wank right before work and another on your lunch break, if you can find a safe and private spot, would be more effective than wearing a cock cage.

Some pointers for This Reluctant Cuckquean…

If TRC goes through with that cuckquean fantasy, one thing that will really help her psychologically is if she and her partner have certain rituals around it to reconnect and reassure her afterwards. But I’d suggest starting with 1. talking to her partner about it and 2. starting with dirty talk—her partner telling her how he wants to fuck her friends, sister, the receptionist at the Ford dealership, etc., while fucking her and seeing how that works.

I would recommend leaving her sister, if TRC has one, out of it. But I absolutely endorse the concept of aftercare and I agree that TRC should explore her fantasies through dirty talk and role-play before trying to realize them. And TRC herself wrote back…

Thank you, Dan! You said exactly what I needed to hear. Feeling giddy at the possibility of actually enjoying my kink, shame-free, and embracing this as MY normal. I’ve been wasting a large amount of mental energy on this… I could stand to give myself a break. Also grateful for the community of Savage Love commenters—very heartened by some of the thoughtful responses there. xo TRC

I’m glad you found both my advice and that of commenters helpful, TRC. (Savage Love—the only place on the internet where you really should read the comments!) Please take it slow and remember: accepting and embracing your fantasies doesn’t mean you have to act on them. You can embrace and accept and then conclude that your fantasy—one that can ethically be realized—should nevertheless remain a fantasy. But if you have a trusted partner and the dirty talk turns you on and you wanna make those fantasies a reality… well, Yahtzee!

Regarding SMDG…

What you’re doing is awesome! Keep it up forever, please. The word, “sexsomniac,” though… ugh. Wiktionary notwithstanding, the term for someone who gives head while asleep should be somnamorous. (And SMDG’s girlfriend was somnaroused when she blew him in her sleep.) A sexsomniac would be someone who can’t sleep because they’re so horny, wouldn’t it? And before I sign off: my wife wants me to let you know I’m a cisgender male librarian.

And finally…

A pointer Pills Inhibiting Lusty Loads: He may be able to climax more often by climaxing without a full erection. Some men, at least, can climax with a soft cock. He wouldn’t be able to do it through PIV, and it might take longer than it used to, but there’s always jacking off and oral sex, both of which could involve his girlfriend. He could experiment solo, and then bring his GF in on the fun. Perhaps extra stimulation like prostate massage or a butt plug might help, too.

Okay, we’re going to leave it there. Have a great weekend, everybody. Oh, and this is awkward… Lizzo and I are in love with the same guy…