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This week's Savage Love Letters of the Day: His wife hasn't really wanted to fuck him for twenty-five years and I don't think that's gonna change; his drug-addicted, voice-hearing, batshit-accusation-leveling boyfriend moved out and I don't think that's a problem; he says his wife is the only woman he's ever been with who couldn't come from PIV alone and I don't think that's true; her sister is planning a destination wedding that's going to bankrupt her mom and kill her dad and I don't think that's okay. And, of course, this week's Savage Love and this week's Savage Lovecast.

First up, my response to Anonymous on Monday elicited some heated responses...

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You fucked up here, Dan. You forgot to ask a few questions. Writer states they have three kids. I'm assuming the "too tired now to fuck" probably has something to do with the dynamics and roles each person plays in the relationship. If the writer stated, "I help with the kids, I help with the cleaning and house chores, I do this and this, I don't understand," I might have some sympathy. If his wife has three kids to take care of and and is working eighteen hours a day, by the end of the day she is probably too tired to fuck. And its not unreasonable for her to feel that way. My advice: Man up, Anonymous. Cook a meal, clean, wash the dishes, dance around in an apron, sweep, mop (this makes the clit vibrate without even touching it!), all while letting her soak in a bath, free from distractions. Foreplay is more than pathetically begging for sex.

And...

My first ever response. Yes, "trying to" fuck your wife 4000 times and being rejected is terrible. But, I don't know... is she mentally healthy? Does she do, I don't know, 100% of the child care? 100% of the housework? Does she work full times and do the housework and manage the calendar and pay the bills and mow the lawn and and and freaking and? I do wonder! If a person is ONLY able to show/write about what THEY did and now what their spouse has tried to do, I call BULLSHIT! I'm guessing his wife feels unappreciated. Not adored. Not beautiful. Maybe just tired. FFS! Find a babysitter. Do adult things away from home. For God's sake, take some responsibility. There. Done.

And...

To the gentleman who complains nothing has changed after thirty years of marriage and three kids: I can relate. Kinda. Come August I will have been married for thirty years. We also have three wonderful kids. I hate to pile on dude, but why doesn't your wife like sex with you? Does she experience orgasm when you have sex? After thirty years, she should every single time. My wife and I have figured it out. I asked a lot of questions, and then we found a way that works. So now one of our kids is back home (due to COVID19), we don't have sex as often as we did when they were all away, but when the opportunity arises, we seize it. She knows she's going to orgasm, and knows it's a good stress release. Especially these days. What do you do to let your wife know sex is special? Do you just roll over and ask at night, after a long day? Ever come home with a nice bottle of wine? Anything? If you don't want her to think it's her duty, then you damn well better make it special for her and fun. I can't emphasize the Big O enough. If that ain't happening, your gonna be jerking off in the shower for a long time to come.

And...

I've been following you for years, and I'm totally shocked by the advice you gave Anonymous. You're suggesting that he becomes a CPOS without even trying marriage counseling to get to the bottom of the issue? He said communication was a problem in general. And obviously their sex life was sufficient to get her pregnant three times and he's been dealing with it for decades. Dude said he wants to fuck his wife, Dan, not other people. And just because his wife's issues, whatever they are, haven't been treated doesn't mean they can't be.

Mr. and Mrs. Anonymous have been together for thirty years and had three children before their fifth wedding anniversary. Which means their kids are adults now. It's possible Mr. Anonymous wasn't much help with the kids when they were young but it's not like he can start bathing his adult children now. (Well, he can, of course, but he definitely shouldn't.) And while I hope Mr. Anonymous has always done his fair share around the house (and most likely doesn't), I don't think doing a few more dishes, to say nothing of dancing around in an apron, is going to change anything after thirty years. Mrs. Anonymous's resentment—if that's the issue—is probably baked-in at this point. The damage is done.

And while I know this is terrifying for people to contemplate because no one wants to think it could happen to them (or may have already happened to them)... people sometimes marry people they're not sexually attracted to. A person goes through the motions long enough to move in and get married and maybe have a few kids and then after a few years... they just can't fake it anymore. They may genuinely love their spouse and love their life together, but they don't desire their spouse sexually. Never did, never will. That's not something unloading the dishwasher can fix.

If Mrs. Anonymous isn't into fucking Mr. Anonymous because she did all the housework and childrearing—or if Mrs. Anonymous never wanted to fuck Mr. Anonymous—I don't think there's much Mr. Anonymous can do about that as they move into their fourth decade of marriage. If they'd been together for five year and still had small children, I might've given Mr. Anonymous the advice everyone seemed to want me to. I've given that advice to other couples. But when someone's been banging their head against a brick wall for three decades... sometimes the best advice is to stop. Stop trying. You're never going to knock that wall down and so you might wanna walk around it or tunnel under it instead. If Mr. Anonymous can have an honest open relationship, I think he should go for it. Talk to the wife. I told him that. But if he can't—because the wife who doesn't wanna fuck him doesn't want him fucking anyone else (also a thing that happens)—then getting his needs met discreetly and no longer asking his wife to let him jack off inside her once a month seems like a better and more realistic solution for both parties.

I get why people see cheating as problematic. It is problematic. But sometimes the only practical solution is a problematic one.

About the opening of this week's podcast...

And it looks like we'll be revisiting this issue in the opening of next week's podcast...

What can I say? The semen situation is fluid.

Regarding my advice for Chronically Aroused...

Read your piece on the aroused state. Interesting person with PGAD you spoke with—atypical—because she is questioning her increased libido. A hallmark of PGAD is that it is not only intrusive but it is unwanted. We at San Diego Sexual Medicine have probably seen or spoken with more women (and men) with PGAD than any other medical practice in the world. They are not interested in sex—they do not have an increase in libido—they masturbate for survival, as a way of ending the arousal feeling temporarily so they can function. One symptom of the disease is suicidal ideation, which may be why people kill themselves every year with PGAD, so I was disturbed that your representative patient was not truly representative. Robyn Jackowich and Caroline Pukall are doing great research. While Irwin Goldstein and Choll Kim have presented our data at conferences, and we are currently writing a publication on our new treatments, I am pleased to say that through our multi-disciplinary approach at the Center of Excellence for Genito-Pelvic Dysesthesia, we have now cured many people and continue to pursue all we can to help these men and women suffering. Thank you for not painting this disease state as something anything less than serious. — Sue W. Goldstein, Clinical Research Manager, San Diego Sexual Medicine

Are people faking British accents when they call the Lovecast?

Seems that way...

In fairness to callers who fake accents... sometimes listeners wanna call in but they worry someone—a friend or the person they're calling about—might also be a listener. So I will allow it.

Regarding my response to CLIT...

One thing CLIT's said in her letter stuck out to me: "I find myself alternating between a state of tiredness, anxiousness, or distraction." This made me think... this lady is burned out and overwhelmed. I think your take of mismatched libido is totally true, and your advice to her on low-effort ways to get sexual with her husband were fantastic. But I wonder if there is an underlying health condition of burnout that should be addressed. I have personal experience with burnout, but interestingly I actually didn't realize it at its earlier stages, when I would have described it similarly to CLIT. It wasn't until reaching a breaking point that I figured out what was going on, and looking back could see I was in an unhealthy state of exhaustion and anxiousness for a long time. Many people accept tiredness and anxiety as part of a busy life and don't realize it as a sign of burnout or mental health decline. It may be worth additionally offering her the advice to take a step back and look at her overall health with her libido being one factor to see if she is in a state of mental health injury, and if so address that underlying problem to get her back to feeling energized. Also, if her husband has a ton of energy perhaps it would be also worth looking at their family/household obligations to see if they're being managed equitably and if he can take more of the burden. She did say they were both taking care of the kids, but research shows that often more burden falls onto wives.

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CLIT's husband should definitely do his fair share of the housework and bathe those kids while there's still time. But if he won't... well, maybe CLIT should get a same-sex partner instead. And about that short list of sex acts I rattled off in my response to CLIT...

I'm not up on all the latest acronyms so on these three I found myself confident, fairly certain, and stumped: PIV (penis in vagina!), PIB (penis in butt?), PIM (???). If you get a chance to reply, I would appreciate the update to my knowledge.

You're right about the first two—penis in vagina, penis in butt—and that last one stands for penis in mouth. I should probably have gone with PIT (penis in throat) just to keep the rhyme going: PIV, PIB, PIT. But as others wrote in to note, that was an unusually penis-centric take on sex. As Philophile put it in the comments thread...

CLIT—great advice. But it would have been nice to stick the landing too; PIV, PIA, PIM? Sex does not just involve a P, this part is less likely to encourage CLIT's enthusiasm.

I obviously should've included MOT (mouth on twat), MPM (mutual pleasurable masturbation), PHA (pegging his ass), etc., on the list of sex acts CLIT might find herself inspired to initiate when helping her higher-libido husband out. In my defense I'd like to introduce into evidence all the columns I've written over the years encouraging straight people—straight guys in particular—to broaden their definitions of sex so that it's not just variations on him penetrating her. Like I said to this straight guy who wanted more sex from his wife...

If your ass got fucked every time you said yes to sex, WOES, you wouldn't say yes to sex seven nights a week... [But] if your definition of sex included oral (his and hers), mutual masturbation, and frottage—and if these weren't consolation prizes you settled for, but sex you were enthusiastic about—your wife might say yes to sex more often.

Regarding my advice to Bisexual And Really Freaked Out...

I'm responding to BARFO, whose wife did not have the best reaction when he came out as bisexual. I'm polyamorous, and I had an issue a while back where whenever my partner brought up his new partner, I would get super nauseous, and would occasionally vomit. It was an unwanted and confusing response to me, as I had other partners at the time, and so had he. What it came down to was a new insecurity in our relationship. I was anxious she was supplanting me... which was a completely illogical fear, but brains and bodies don't always agree. Once we had a nice long discussion and laid down some new boundaries, I felt secure about my place in my partner's heart, the issues went away. Perhaps BARFO's wife is feeling anxious about this unexplored portion of her husband and just needs some reassurances.

Okay, we're going to leave it there. I hope everyone has a great—and safe—weekend and we'll see you back here on Monday!


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Listen to my podcast, the Savage Lovecast, at www.savagelovecast.com.

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