It’s time for the Lindy West Lunchtime Mailbag Fun-Show!

This just in:

unfriend.jpg

I don’t know either of these people. But apparently this nice woman’s husband is a fan of my work and added me as a friend on Facebook. How slutty of me!!!!

So….how should I respond?

Lindy West was born an unremarkable female baby in Seattle, Washington. The former Stranger writer covered movies, movie stars, exclamation points, lady stuff, large frightening fish, and much, much more....

120 replies on “Help Me Answer My Mail, Sloggers!”

  2. I am bookmarking this post in case I ever discover that I just can’t live without a Facepalm^H^H^H^H book page.

    Woohoo! Lindy heads for the second-most-commented Slog post ever!

  3. Apologize deeply and explain that as an aging spinster of weak moral fiber, good judgment often gets lost amidst the revolving door of drunken sailors and lusty degenerates that constitutes your vagina. Explain that you unfriended her husband without delay upon receiving her missive, but that you are unclear as to whether the weekend back-alley trysts with him are now also off-limits. Further clarify whether such encounters need to be discontinued even if there is no penetration by either party.

  4. “How rude of me! Let me just finish manually pleasuring this gentleman – good heavens, this one isn’t yours, is he? – and then I shall proceed to ‘get to know’ your husband properly. Thank you for bringing this matter to my attention.”

  10. Or, you know, rationally…

    “Dear _______,

    As a member of The Stranger staff I often have readers who friend me on Facebook and/or follow me on Twitter. Please be assured that as one of my 1,471 friends on Facebook there is no further relationship between your husband and myself.

    Your’s sincerely,
    Lindy
    “

  11. I say you pretend to be a bot. A LindyBot that’s transparently trying to get something from her, like for her to visit your private webcam site.

  12. You should call her out and respond with a good old fashion face to face cat fight.
    Be sure to video it and put it up on FB.

  13. I agree with Andy_Squirrel, some funny-ass shit here. I love Slog commenters!

    That said, I always think one should take the completely adult and rational route when dealing with jealous, insane, clingy bitches or bastards:

    So a combination of @2 and @8. Thank her for the compliment. Tell her to speak to her husband about the matter, not you. Send her a link to purchase The Ethical Slut. Then block her.

  14. Whatever you you tell her, you should send it in the American Greetings “Cat Talk” card, with the voice of Nigel. Because that way, whatever you say will sound classy. Even when he swears, although I can’t get him to say “fuck” or “fucking” . . . but that’s presumptuous of me, assuming that you would swear at the bitch.

  15. Dear Mrs. [insert name here],

    This page is the public profile page for Stranger writer Lindy West. We would like to thank you for your comments, however, please note that this page is managed by Ms. West’s assistant and we will not be able to address your concerns directly until after the current deadline.

    All of the listed friends on this page are fans of Ms. West’s work. We do not have a screening process in place to judge the appropriateness of anyone’s enjoyment of Ms. West’s writing. Our moderators are only concerned with threatening or spamming behaviour when it comes to who is blocked or removed from the page. Furthermore, the majority of people on this site have no personal or in person contact with Ms. West. If you have some concerns regarding a certain person’s choice to friend Ms. West, we suggest you take it up with the person in question, in this case your husband.

    Thank you very much for your comments.

    Sincerely

    Ms. West’s assistant.

  17. Dear Mrs. [insert name here],

    This page is the public profile page for Stranger writer Lindy West. We would like to thank you for your comments, however, please note that this page is managed by Ms. West’s assistant and we will not be able to address your concerns directly until after the current deadline.

    All of the listed friends on this page are fans of Ms. West’s work. We do not have a screening process in place to judge the appropriateness of anyone’s enjoyment of Ms. West’s writing. Our moderators are only concerned with threatening or spamming behaviour when it comes to who is blocked or removed from the page. Furthermore, the majority of people on this site have no personal or in person contact with Ms. West. If you have some concerns regarding a certain person’s choice to friend Ms. West, we suggest you take it up with the person in question, in this case your husband.

    Thank you very much for your comments.

    Sincerely

    Ms. West’s assistant.

    That should piss her off to no end

  20. Cataline Vel-DuRay’s intimation @49 is the best, as it includes a reference to SLOG’s currently most obsessive and obsessed visitor. But all of the suggestions make marvellous reading, especially for a Monday.

  21. I’m going with @24…but you really should just copy paste.

    “please unmarry my facebook friend [redacted]. i don’t think its appropriate for facebook friends to be marrying controlling women like you and you don’t even know him. DIVORCE HIM NOW”

  22. I’m with 19: send her a friend request without comment and let her tear herself up trying to figure out what you’re up to.

    You might also share a link with her that has no clear relevance to anything, giving her something else to occupy herself with.

  23. From these comments, I gather that you’re not required to sleep with all your FB friends. Well hell. I guess I’ll have a lot more free time now.

    You’d think they could’ve mentioned that in the FAQ.

  24. Make a long X-rated post on your wall and tag him in it, detailing how much you enjoyed that night a few weeks ago. I’m talking excruciatingly detailed pornographic prose here. (For extra credit, involve anal somewhere along the line.)
    And then comment on your own post, acting all mortified and pretending that you meant to send it as a message and not a public wall post, and you have no idea how to delete it.
    If the wife isn’t internet-savvy, she just might flip her lid over that one.

  29. But I was under the impression you were supposed to stay in contact with the people you have slept with. You know, just in case you both need a quickie.

  32. Start with any of the reasonable, serious responses found above, but end with “PS – You should probably get yourself tested.”

  33. It’s a little late to tell you to ignore the message, but you should ignore the message. The next one should be even better!

  37. Forward the note to her husband. Have it delivered along with a truckload of prostitutes and a coupon for free representation by a divorce lawyer.

  43. Send a stripper to her house. The stripper should resemble Lindy as closely as possible. The script you give her:

    “Hi, I’m not sure if you know me. I’m Lindy West, and I got this email from you [she has a printout of the email]. It really upset me, and there’s something I want to get off my chest.”

  44. This is the kind of dilemma I love. all the options are so entertaining. I would copy the message and put it on his wall and ask him what he would like you to do. With a link to this SLOG thread.

    and I would simply tag her for every sluttish picture you have on FB just for giggles

    oh, AND actually tell all of us who he is so we can ALL friend him.

  47. A. I don’t want your husband.
    2. You are not the boss of me.
    C. Maybe if you were a little nicer and blew him every now and then he wouldn’t go looking for tramps on the internet.

  50. Don’t do ANYTHING. You’ve already got comedy gold on the first response… can you imagine how amazing her 5th message to you is going to be? Or her tenth?

    Trust me, if she divorces him over this, you’re doing the world a favor. You tramp.

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