The Book of Mormon is available for free, and fleets of dashing
young men commit up to three years of their lives to delivering it. So
if you want retribution for the Mormon-funded Proposition 8—the
bigoted measure that banned same-sex marriage in
California—requesting a copy is one way to burn some Latter-day
dough. If the government won’t tax the church’s pyramid tithing PAC, at
least you can tax its resources.
At Mormon.org, anyone can sign up
for a free Book of Mormon. I thought they’d mail me a copy. But when I
filled out the form, up popped this message: “Thank you for requesting
the Book of Mormon from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. You should be contacted by missionaries in a few days.”
Actual missionaries? It sounded too good to be true. Four days
later, my phone rang. It was Elder Guthrie—he and Elder Leatham
would arrive around 6:00 p.m. And at 6:11, there they fucking were. I
shook their hands and pointed them to the couch.
“You may have heard about Proposition 8,” I said. They nodded. I
told them that the California measure cast uncertainty on the marriage
licenses of nearly 20,000 same-sex couples, that Mormon Church leaders
directed their congregations to “do all you can to support
the…amendment by donating of your means and time,” resulting in
two-thirds of the Prop 8 funding.
The boys stared at their shoes. They work and live on Capitol Hill,
and are dispatched by text message every time some gay guy with a beef
orders a book. But their convictions remain strong. “When I read the
Book of Mormon, it makes me happy,” said wide-eyed Guthrie, writing
down passages in suspiciously bubbly handwriting for me to read
later.
The Book of Mormon itself is a melodrama. The passages, printed on
pages thin enough to roll into joints, read like Penthouse prose
spiked with Shakespearian clichés: “Thy seed also had been as
the sand; the offspring of thy bowels like the gravel thereof….”
Bowel seed, First Book of Nephi? Verily gross.
The 779-page Book of Mormon, first written in an Egyptian-ish scrawl
on gold tablets, was discovered by Joseph Smith in 1823. (Nobody has
seen these gold tablets since.) Smith was surely transcribing the word
of God directly when reporting that the Jaredites came to the Americas
to find “elephants and cureloms and cumoms.”
But the book doesn’t directly address gay marriage. When pressed for
an example of the harm that same-sex marriages would cause Mormons,
Thomas Olson, president of the Mormon’s Seattle North Stake, couldn’t
name one. He also wouldn’t quote the Book of Mormon. Instead, he cited
the church’s so-called “Proclamation on the Family.” It declares that
“marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the
family is central to the Creator’s plan….” Church president Gordon B.
Hinckley announced the proclamation on September 23, 1995.
In other words, Mormons updated their religion in 1995, and now
that’s what they all believe and you better believe it, too.
“We certainly don’t condone bigotry or targeting gays or lesbians,”
says Olson. “I guess people would say… that we have done that, but
that is not our intent.”
I told the Elders that it doesn’t matter what their book sayeth about what I can or can’t doeth with my bowel seed. There’s the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster Cookbook, and they all maintain different recipes for salvation—but those books don’t establish laws for shrimp eaters, ham lovers, or pastophobes. Any holy book or religion, if enacted into law, would deny the followers of another book their freedoms.
I asked the two young missionaries, “Wouldn’t it be bigoted if I
interpreted my book of faith to take away your rights?”
Awkward pause.
“As it happens, I do have a book that guides my faith and would
repeal your rights if passed into law,” I said. I’d folded a few pages
of printer paper in half, and on the cover I’d scrawled “The Book of
More Men.”
“The first page here says, ‘Mormons shall not foist their doctrine
unto others lest those who hateth Mormons subject their rules upon
others. Rule number one: Mormon missionaries must not proselytize.'”
The guys laughed. They would return home to Arizona in a few months
welted by the tongue-lashings of dozens more fags like me. We shook
hands, and they left. I put my copy of the Book of Mormon next to the
toilet, where all my houseguests could use its pages to wipe their
bowel seed. 
Why dont you try using the Koran the way you use the Book of Mormon. See how long your sorry much-used ass would last before some Jihadist finds you. It’s easy to insult a religion that turns the other cheek. See how well you gay boys would do against Islam.
There will be someone, or multiple ‘someones,’ that will initially take your proposal of retribution, while sharing your feelings toward our faith, and will request missionaries. But one or more of them will actually end up seeing things our way. It will not likely be many, it may be only one, but your effort here will to fight the Church will turn to the Church’s benefit in the end. And the net benefit will favor the Church.
I believe there is a verse in the Book of Mormon that warns one about making light of it. That is why they turn the other cheek.. You will get it in the end… I assume that’s just what you want.
Don’t worry Mustafa, there are those at there who wouldn’t turn the other cheek if the Book of Mormon was disrespected in their presence.
Be glad, Mr. Holden, that I wasn’t the missionary that visited you that day.
Wow, Mustafa has fatwa envy. Darn it, why do Muslims have all the fun? And then Chris shows the love of Jesus in his heart. If anyone insults his silly book, they are so gonna get it! Because god can’t take care of himself. He needs tough guys like Chris to protect Him. But when you get right down to it these guys are just 2 victims of an old con. That Joseph Smith, what a kidder.
I liked this article the first time I read it on Slog when someone else wrote it as a letter to the editor.
This author probably wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing with a Koran, nor would he dream of treating a Catholic priest or Orthodox Rabbi with such disrespect. Yet Mormons, Muslims, Orthodox Jews, and Catholics all have the same position when it comes to gay marriage. There’s a double standard when it comes to Mormonism and there probably always will be. People like Holden just aren’t smart enough to realize what they’re doing.
You’re a disgrace to the gay-rights movement.
It’s people like you that only hurt our cause for equal rights.
Awww..if only you had your facts right. Then someone might take you seriously. I’ve never seen a mormon missionary on a 3-year mission. There’s something to be said for credibility. Which has more to do with why prop 8 passed and less to do with the mormons. Anger, taunting and immaturity won’t do much for your “cause” but will cause others to take the mormons more seriously. Keep up the good work.
Yes, Jeremy, people like Dominic who don’t need an invented rule-book to live happy productive lives are the ones who aren’t “smart enough”.
Sheep, listen up, religion was invented as s form of social control.
No offense, dude, but while you are congratualting yourself for the the tongue-lashing-induced welts you believe you have inflicted, Elders Guthrie and Leatham have moved on to more meaningful activities. I highly doubt your encounter with them will be a blip on the radar screen of thier mission. Glad it was a mjor event for you, though.
Right on, 11 – shit, is morning when the ding-dongs come out and post?
Many of the doctrines of Mormonism aren’t derivable from the Book of Mormon, so to point out that it contains no passages against homosexuality is to make an irrelevant point.
“Thy seed also had been as the sand; the offspring of thy bowels like the gravel thereof….”
Guess what? That passage is a quote from the book of Isaiah in the Bible. So the insults you directed at the Book of Mormon are actually directed at the Bible.
Well.
Most of these comments sound like they have come from a bunch of drones. Jesus. He’s only shitting on your religion because ya’ll have funded a major initiative to strip human beings of their rights. You’ve tried to impose your beliefs on groups of people that do not share them via the law while continuing to undermine the separation of church and state laid out by the founding fathers. And please stop threatening other people with hell, nothing sounds more laughable. The only people your proselytizing works on are the weak, lonely, and the downtrodden. So stop trying to fuck with other people and poison their minds and stop trying to spread hate and bigotry. Love your neighbor. I do not care if someone is Mormon, Muslim, Catholic, Sheik, or whatever. But I do care when they try and hurt or undermine others rights with the pushing of their beliefs.
Alluding to wiping your ass with the Book of Mormon is clearly disrespectful and I do not condone it. But to infringe on someone’s rights is more than an insult, it’s more than name calling. The execution of a complex plan that lead to the passing of Prop. 8 by the LDS Church is shameful. Shame on all of you who helped it come to pass.
Everybody needs to take a step back and not be so intrusive into the lives of others. LDS people, chill the fuck out and stop threatening people with a lifestyle you might not understand or agree with. And gay dudes, stop making fun of Mormons because it is way too easy.
Oh, pleez. It’s the same god, only different doctrine. Differences can be squared away through adult communication. Those that cannot express themselves without ad hominum attacks or threats of violence continue to be a bane on the human race. Get over this provocative article, all of you.
What a diverse range of comments.
Coming from a former Mormon (thank whatever god exists) I think the article is brilliant. It would have only been better if Dominic had discussed his love for the movie, Latter Days.
“The book makes him feel good”. I read great fiction that leaves an imprint for years.
The poor boys don’t know what to say because they are puppets. Daisy’s right…sheep.
Give the mormons a break. It is the PEOPLE of California, mainly OBAMA voters, who passed prop 8. If the ultra-liberals that came out to vote don’t want gay marriage, who does? The evangelicals? This is going to take some time, stop being so impatient!
Well done!
I’ve converted at least 10 Jehovah’s Witnesses, gotten an apology from many Mormons who now agree with me and caused deep doubts among Muslim friends.
Keep up the good work.
I think Everybody Calm Down is the one who needs to calm down. I count precisely 0 comments that threatened anyone with hell or physical harm. Leaving judgment in God’s hands is not threatening someone with hell, and saying “you better be glad I was not there” is far from a physical threat. So calm down, Calm Down.
20 year old clean cut Mormon boys show up at my house?
The hot tub will be ready and I’ll have some chilled grey goose.
I have bike locks too.
james http://www.futuregringo.com
20 year old clean cut Mormon boys show up at my house?
The hot tub will be ready and I’ll have some chilled grey goose.
I have bike locks too.
Entertaining blog post.
Unfortunately for the gay rights movement the scapegoating of Mormons for voting as a populace has been done before and didn’t stop them in Missouri, Ohio, Illinois or Utah.
I just hope those within the LGBLTBBQ movement don’t continue their version of 21st century mob justice and keep pushing to deny citizens of any faith their first amendment right to freedom of religion or freedom to vote and amend the constitution. Those freedoms are far greater civil rights than a marriage license – which after all is a privilege and not a right, but that’s neither here nor there. Maybe next decade we’ll have blind people demanding their right to a driver’s license! DRIVER’s EQUALITY!
Way to go! You took an experience that, if it did anything at all, made you feel superior for a few minutes, and did the only thing you could do with that – bragged. I’m so glad to know that heroes such as yourself are protecting the rest of us from the evils of Mormonism.
Here’s a news flash. There are about 750,000 mormons in California. The state has a total population of over 36,000,000. Mormons make up 2% of Californians. Now why is it that they are the only ones taking the blame on this? Secondly, Mr. Holden, you wasted the time and money(many missionaries fund their own missions)of these two young men who have absolutely no power over church doctrine or policy. Congratulations on accomplishing nothing but spreading your own bigotry.
Tyler and others: LDSers should know how their blind allegiance to whatever crusty old man is making proclamations lands in the real world, on real people. If it makes the missionaries feel bad, well, they can always read the Book of Mormon and feel good again.
Re: claims of Dominic’s bigotry: When same-sex marriage supporters fund an initiative to strip Mormons of actual rights (not just their “rights” to deprive others of equal rights) , then you can claim retaliatory bigotry.
(Prior ramblings on the subject here and here.)
First, to the writer. Brilliant! Having grown up Fundi. I can say with assurance that many of these people think what they think simply because they have never been challenged to critically consider it. A tool such as this that turns them into a captive audience for the truth, and forces them to actually talk about it, is an excellent idea.
Oh, and to the individual who thinks the writer was ‘lucky they didn’t have him as a missionary’. Wow, threatening people whose home you wish to enter. You Mormons do like to go on about how peaceful you are. Thanks to you, we get our daily reminder that this is simply not the case.
I am abisexual mormon teen, and I’m out publicaly inside and outside of the church. But I can tell you as a member that sure their beliefs go against mine, but they don’t attack me nor do they treat me any differnt;y than they do others. The fact is that people are all to willing to attack the church that can’t fight back rather than every other church and organization that contributed to the passing of prop 8. And your facts are pretty wrong such as the fact that they go out for 2 years, and that scripture you used is so taken out of context it isn’t even funny and it’s from 3rd nephi… Your attacks on the chuch isn’t going to help us to overturn Prop 8, so grow up and actually try to help us…
Getting missionary boys two at a time to learn how hurtful Proposition 8 has been to gay and lesbian families is a great idea. Maybe the missionary boys will go home not remembering a word that’s been said to them. However maybe they’ll go home having met openly gay people and realize that their religious beliefs don’t have to be the civil law of the land.
As a previous poster said, even if only a minority of the people Mormon missionaries talk to convert to Mormonism, it’s great for the LDS Church. Well the same thing works in reverse. Even if only a minority of the missionary boys learn some acceptance for their gay and lesbian neighbors’ right to have different beliefs and to have equal marriage rights, that’s a good thing.
@Schmader:
I feel sorry for you if you think “retaliatory bigotry” is an appropriate response to anything. Go start the GayKK.
Religion is such a waste of time.
I’m Catholic and pro Gay Marriage. So are 95% of my Catholic friends and family. Please leave the Catholics out of it.
Dom; You’ll have to pump your game up a couple of notches to even qualify as a ‘juvenile prank’.
If you are buttsore because you think the Mormons stiffed you on Prop8 this has to be about the most pathetic response imaginable.
Time (magazine) estimated the Mormon Churches assets at $30 Billion over 10 years ago.
If 2% of the USA is gay and each and every diligent devious little queer orders a book that costs 50¢ (the missionaries pay there own way so their labor doesn’t cost the church…) you will have whacked the Evil Empire to the tune of .01% of it’s 1996 value.
THAT’LL SHOW’EM NOT TO MESS WITH QUEER NATION!!!!
No wonder you lost in California (TWICE)
You outnumber Mormons there 10 to 1 but with this kind of tactics you won’t be hearing wedding bells for quite some time…
Maybe you could call Mormon HQ and ask if their refrigerator is ‘running’.
You prankster.
The only miracle here is that more people believe in the con of Joseph Smith than the latter-day con of L. Ron Hubbard. They’re just equally nasty when you challenge their income stream.
Joseph Smith found some gold tablets on which the lost gospel was written and yet they were assimilated by the angel Moron-I before the find could be verified??
In the inimitable light verse of Matt Stone and Trey Parker: Dumb-dumb-dumb-dumb…
The things I appreciate the most about the mormon cult is its rich history of mindless bloodshed and predatory sexual blackmail. In addition to that, Salt Lake City is a wonderful place to experience reverse-Stendhal Syndrome.
@Amused:
Oops, I totally misread David Schmader’s comment.
The Mormon Church, like every other big box church, is all about the tithe. Members and their money are tapped to lobby for standardizing marriage laws AND closed adoption laws. These efforts have nothing to do with divine retribution.
For a good time, look up Ray Langenbach’s performance piece from the 80s. He invited missionaries to his home and went along with conversion for a month. It’s Mormonism as BDSM experiment.
MARYANNE,
you should have a talk to the Pope cause he and your church are doing some nasty things to gays on behalf of the 95%.
“Mustafa” and “Chris”, you’re both going to hell for reading this liberal anti-religious blog. Just thought you’d like to know.
Well, apparently the Christian Victim Complex has a specific offshoot in the LDS.
Which is weird because they’re not really Christians. Like Catholics. They’re not Christians either.
Measures to restrict gay/lesbian marriage passed in two other states (other than CA) on the same election day as Proposition 8. The LDS church had expended no real effort in those state contests, yet they passed without “Mormon support.”
Clearly those with a gay agenda have more to worry about than Mormons. Mormons just make an easy target to vent their frustrations.
It’s always entertaining to see the Religious Right use the “We’re not as bad as Islamic Fundamentalists” argument.
A: Just because you are less wrong than someone else doesn’t make you right.
B: For decades, the only people who gave a shit about Islamic Fundamentalists horrible civil rights violations were feminists, gay rights activists, and communists. Aside from hating the Iranians, Right Wing America loved the heck out Islamic theocrats.
C: Gay people are well aware of the death sentence that awaits them if Islamic fundamentalists were in control here. It stems from the same scriptural source as the death sentence that the Christian Theocrats would impose if given the chance.
To the Mormons: You paint a target on your chest during hunting season, don’t be surprised when somebody takes aim.
And Jessem, you’re a gay, out Mormon teen? No Temple for you. Ever.
I don’t know where str8isthepath has been hiding all this time, but we were visited by two scrubbed-n-shiny Mormon missionaries on Thursday evening. My housemate answered the doorbell, and was polite, but made it clear that their doctrine had done actual and potential harm to our families and they were not welcome.
Actually California made THIRTY states that have banned gay marriage, usually in the state Constitution, often also banning civil union as well and specifically not recognizing civil unions from other states to boot. And these measures pass by up to 80%. And gay marriage has NEVER won a state vote (0-30, if you’re keeping score; even worse than the Huskies- eh?)
And the Mormons had nothing to do with 29 of those states.
It is hysterical that Savage and his ditto-heads got so PMS about Prop 8, where have they been for 10 years?
And blaming the Mormons? They are 1% of California. What about the blacks and Catholics and Evangelicals and Hispanics etc etc etc?
Order a Mormon book.
I guess.
If it makes you feel clever.
These boys go door to door hoping for the chance to try to convince others to share their beliefs. Sounds like Dominic played the exact same game, except he had them come to him, and his beliefs aren’t based on claims of magic.
Seems fair to me. Play on.
dear ex mormon;
aim away.
so far all you have managed is blasting yourself in the ass.
I laugh at the ‘superior intellect’!
HA
And no, we did not call first and ask them to deliver a Book of Mormon — they showed up uninvited.
The Mormons are quite properly targets of outrage in California because of their deep involvement in the Prop. 8 campaign. They bussed people in from out of state, they set up phone banks, they contributed large amounts of money and time to the effort here, and they did it here because the Catholic Bishop of San Francisco used to be the Bishop of Salt Lake City and has an excellent working relationship with the LDS leadership, whom he called on specifically to join him in defeating marriage equality. They didn’t bother to get involved in the three other state contests over similar legislation because they knew those three other states were already so blindly fundamentalist in their voting habits that they didn’t have to worry about losing the precious sanctity of marriage there.