The Book of Mormon is available for free, and fleets of dashing
young men commit up to three years of their lives to delivering it. So
if you want retribution for the Mormon-funded Proposition 8—the
bigoted measure that banned same-sex marriage in
California—requesting a copy is one way to burn some Latter-day
dough. If the government won’t tax the church’s pyramid tithing PAC, at
least you can tax its resources.

At Mormon.org, anyone can sign up
for a free Book of Mormon. I thought they’d mail me a copy. But when I
filled out the form, up popped this message: “Thank you for requesting
the Book of Mormon from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. You should be contacted by missionaries in a few days.”

Actual missionaries? It sounded too good to be true. Four days
later, my phone rang. It was Elder Guthrie—he and Elder Leatham
would arrive around 6:00 p.m. And at 6:11, there they fucking were. I
shook their hands and pointed them to the couch.

“You may have heard about Proposition 8,” I said. They nodded. I
told them that the California measure cast uncertainty on the marriage
licenses of nearly 20,000 same-sex couples, that Mormon Church leaders
directed their congregations to “do all you can to support
the…amendment by donating of your means and time,” resulting in
two-thirds of the Prop 8 funding.

The boys stared at their shoes. They work and live on Capitol Hill,
and are dispatched by text message every time some gay guy with a beef
orders a book. But their convictions remain strong. “When I read the
Book of Mormon, it makes me happy,” said wide-eyed Guthrie, writing
down passages in suspiciously bubbly handwriting for me to read
later.

The Book of Mormon itself is a melodrama. The passages, printed on
pages thin enough to roll into joints, read like Penthouse prose
spiked with Shakespearian clichés: “Thy seed also had been as
the sand; the offspring of thy bowels like the gravel thereof….”
Bowel seed, First Book of Nephi? Verily gross.

The 779-page Book of Mormon, first written in an Egyptian-ish scrawl
on gold tablets, was discovered by Joseph Smith in 1823. (Nobody has
seen these gold tablets since.) Smith was surely transcribing the word
of God directly when reporting that the Jaredites came to the Americas
to find “elephants and cureloms and cumoms.”

But the book doesn’t directly address gay marriage. When pressed for
an example of the harm that same-sex marriages would cause Mormons,
Thomas Olson, president of the Mormon’s Seattle North Stake, couldn’t
name one. He also wouldn’t quote the Book of Mormon. Instead, he cited
the church’s so-called “Proclamation on the Family.” It declares that
“marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the
family is central to the Creator’s plan….” Church president Gordon B.
Hinckley announced the proclamation on September 23, 1995.

In other words, Mormons updated their religion in 1995, and now
that’s what they all believe and you better believe it, too.

“We certainly don’t condone bigotry or targeting gays or lesbians,”
says Olson. “I guess people would say… that we have done that, but
that is not our intent.”

I told the Elders that it doesn’t matter what their book sayeth about what I can or can’t doeth with my bowel seed. There’s the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster Cookbook, and they all maintain different recipes for salvation—but those books don’t establish laws for shrimp eaters, ham lovers, or pastophobes. Any holy book or religion, if enacted into law, would deny the followers of another book their freedoms.

I asked the two young missionaries, “Wouldn’t it be bigoted if I
interpreted my book of faith to take away your rights?”

Awkward pause.

“As it happens, I do have a book that guides my faith and would
repeal your rights if passed into law,” I said. I’d folded a few pages
of printer paper in half, and on the cover I’d scrawled “The Book of
More Men.”

“The first page here says, ‘Mormons shall not foist their doctrine
unto others lest those who hateth Mormons subject their rules upon
others. Rule number one: Mormon missionaries must not proselytize.'”
The guys laughed. They would return home to Arizona in a few months
welted by the tongue-lashings of dozens more fags like me. We shook
hands, and they left. I put my copy of the Book of Mormon next to the
toilet, where all my houseguests could use its pages to wipe their
bowel seed. recommended

197 replies on “The Missionaries’ Position”

  1. @Jeremy: I believe he’s going after the Mormons right now because their church encouraged their members to support Prop 8. I for one didn’t hear anything about the Muslims, Orthodox Jews, and Catholics supporting this bill with the fervent nature of the Mormon church.Can’t go after all religions if all those religions didn’t so outwardly support it. I’m sure he doesn’t agree with those religions either, but that wasn’t the point of this article.

  2. Also, let’s compare threats.

    Missionaries: “If you don’t believe my stories you’ll be punished with fire and pain and endless unimaginable torment and excruciating suffering for ever and ever and ever.”

    Dominic: “That book you gave me? I’m gonna get poop on it.”

    Can we consider degrees of rudeness?

  4. “The Book of More-Men”? Did you come up with that yourself? Congratulations Dominic, you are the cleverest person on the planet!

  5. I got a copy of their moronic “holy” book, too. It’s written in a poor imitation of the language of the KJV of the Bible, done up by someone with a tin ear for Early Modern English, a lousy sense of dialogue, and no ability to spin a decent yarn.

  6. I have rolled joints with it. I specifically found pages with passages that included the words fire and smoke. It was awesome.

  7. Bug
    The Catholic Church recruited the Mormons; the Orthodox Jews also worked for Prop 8, Muslins kill homosexuals, or haven’t you heard.
    Not surprised you don’t know: bigotry is fueled by ignorance and hate; Prop 8 has been an excuse for white yuppie homos to indulge their bigotry against blacks and Mormons.

  8. “They didn’t bother to get involved in the three other state contests over similar legislation because they knew those three other states were already so blindly fundamentalist in their voting habits that they didn’t have to worry about losing the precious sanctity of marriage there. “
    So hating the Mormons is a selective blinders-on reaction to the wave of states banning gay marriage.
    Not a strategy for winning, doesn’t even address the problem; but I guess it makes some folks feel better.

  10. I think exposing young missionaries to as many gay people as possible is an excellent idea. I grew up non-mormon in suburban Utah. I was anti-religious, but I was also somewhat homophobic. I didn’t meet actual gay people until I was in college and started hanging out in SLC. I found out gay guys weren’t out to seduce me or lure me back to their homes. I found out gay people were people just trying to get through life, just like me.

    Most of these 19 and 20 year old kids have also not been around gay people. So talk to them. Say hello. While on their missions they are in the deepest part of their brainwashing. But I guarantee you once they see how real people and real families are being affected, some of them will will soften their stance on gay issues.

    I send all my mormon friends back in Utah links to that flickr site with gays asking ‘please, don’t divorce us.’ http://www.flickr.com/photos/couragecamp…

  11. Mormons are especially creepy. Smiling robots that tell you God loves you when all you want to do is walk down the damn street without being accosted by religious idiots…Kinda like Christians and Scientologists.

  12. Squash wrote, “Prop 8 has been an excuse for white yuppie homos to indulge their bigotry against Mormons.”

    Yes, and arson is an excuse for firemen to indulge their bigotry against fire.

    Raising millions of dollars to legislate discrimination is bigotry. Responding with anger to bigots raising millions of dollars to legislate discrimination is not.

    Apparently, in your world, being upset is the exact same thing as passing a ballot initiative to deprive a minority group of equal rights. How nice and simple for you.

  13. Response to Just Saying-

    You are right, the Pope sucks, but you can’t throw the baby out with the bath water though.

    I am openly gay and am welcomed whole heartily into the Catholic Church!

    Maybe you should come someday — changes happen from the inside first with the Catholic Church.

  14. To HA HA:

    Refute the claim, please, and show your work.

    Otherwise, STFU.

    I don’t claim superior intellect, just smarts enough to know the truth when it slaps me in the face.

    You?

  18. Cults like Mormonism and Catholicism – particularly Roman Catholicism – detract from the real message of Jesus Christ.

    Jesus didn’t need a bunch of statues or any fancy underwear, nor did he “reappear” on Earth after his glorious ascension into Heaven. The word of the Holy Bible is all he ever needed, thank you very much.

    These young Mormons are cultists, just as sure as the kids at Seattle U are. But nobody will say it because the Mormons own Coca-Cola and Safeway.

  19. Wow, you’ve got some serious issues. It’s no wonder you have to write for the Stranger; no legit periodical would take your writing as professional, unbiased, or intelligent. Your obvious hatred and religious bigotry is disgusting.

  20. David Schmader wrote: “Raising millions of dollars to legislate discrimination is bigotry. Responding with anger to bigots raising millions of dollars to legislate discrimination is not.”

    No, you don’t get it. Being angry and publically calling out the Mormon Church for their involvement is completely reasonable and commendable. Inviting Mormon missionaries into your home to talk about it is also commendable. Shitting on everything they find sacred, whether or not it has any connection to their position on gay marriage, is just bigotry. There were almost certainly some Mormon insiders who were open to your cause, but why should they engage in dialogue with someone who calls them “morons”, repeatedly makes jokes about “magic undies”, jokes about shitting on their scripture, etc. Way to choose war instead of diplomacy.

  22. firstly to “Be washed in the blood of the lamb” Jesus reapears in the bible as well… after three days… And to Ex-mormon, I understand that you may have issues with the church that led you to leave it and I don’t blame you for that and I am sorry. I do not blindly follow my faith and very nearly left the church when I found out about involvment in Prop 8 not because it went against my rights but because it went against my beliefs that church and state should be seperate. And I have not been banned from the Temple in fact I attend every other month with my family to complete temple work. My only issue with this artle just so that you all know is that I’m tired of those of us in the homosexual community that sit around sobbing and pointing fingers at “The mormons” or the cathohlics or the who gives a damns, when we should be out there trying to change peoples minds about us. Rather than seem like a bunch of pathetic people lets show people that we deserve rights (I am not saying through Violence) but the woman did it.. the blacks did it.. why can’;t we? and they sure as hell didn’t just stand around crying…

  23. why can’t we all just be okay?

    what’s the fucking deal with all the goddamn hate.

    too much, I say. learn to pay attention to your own fucking lives a little more, and maybe, just maybe: we’d all get some things done.

    psh. whatever.

  24. We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.

    All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.

    In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshipped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize their divine destiny as heirs of eternal life. The divine plan of happiness enables family relationships to be perpetuated beyond the grave. Sacred ordinances and covenants available in holy temples make it possible for individuals to return to the presence of God and for families to be united eternally.

    The first commandment that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force. We further declare that God has commanded that the sacred powers of procreation are to be employed only between man and woman, lawfully wedded as husband and wife.

    We declare the means by which mortal life is created to be divinely appointed. We affirm the sanctity of life and of its importance in God’s eternal plan.

    Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children. “Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.

    The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation. Extended families should lend support when needed.

    We warn that individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God. Further, we warn that the disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets.

    We call upon responsible citizens and officers of government everywhere to promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.

    This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah.

  25. What I learned from this comment section: Mormons are creepy, angry, hateful and scared. Oh, and stupid. Hey, wait a second — I knew all that already!

    Instead of lashing out yet again, why not just let go of your silly fantasy life and let decent people be?

    I’m glad you’re losing this and I’m glad you’re losing it without a shred of grace. Watching the cultists squirm is very gratifying. I’d say I’d hope you’d learn something from it, but I don’t live in a fantasy land myself, so I’ll settle for your humiliation, instead.

    But other people will leave your cult or not be sucked into it because of this, so please, please, please keep up the kicking and screaming.

  27. Religion was also created for people too unimaginative or lazy to create meaning in their lives – they want it store bought, off the shelf, second hand, identical to everyone else’s meaning. Cheap, or free, in the case of the Mormons.

  30. For those who haven’t checked their history, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is a religion, not a cult. It was founded in 1830 in the state of New York. For those who say we’re not christians, look at the name of our church. Is that clear enough for you?

  31. to Tyler A.

    Look up the International Church of Christ, and then tell me if throwing JC’s name in your title makes you any less culty or any more christian.

  32. It’s not a bad idea to confront Mormons and others who proselytize. Maybe those who are offended by proseylitizing (as I am) should tell the Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, & Evangelical Christians to back off and focus on their own salvation. Orthodox Jews don’t proselytize so they don’t bother me and I’ve simply told the Lubovich to stay away since I’ll never convert. But, for some reason, the Lubovich don’t bother me as much, perhaps because they’re really just trying to teach secular Jews about their own religion whereas these other groups foist their beliefs on us. However, anyone who proselytizes is guilty of hubris: thinking their way is better, their lives are uniformly better than the lives of “unbelievers”, and that they are more morally righteous. I’ve met many fine religious people who don’t do this and I appreciate the respect they have for others’ belief systems. Secular people might spew as much hate as the believers on blogs but in real life, no atheist has come up to me to convert me.
    In terms of Prop 8, this is not a bad way to get Mormons into our homes to explain how much they have injured the gay community, a community they claim to “love”.

  33. It’s not a bad idea to confront Mormons and others who proselytize. Maybe those who are offended by proseylitizing (as I am) should tell the Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, & Evangelical Christians to back off and focus on their own salvation. Orthodox Jews don’t proselytize so they don’t bother me and I’ve simply told the Lubovich to stay away since I’ll never convert. But, for some reason, the Lubovich don’t bother me as much, perhaps because they’re really just trying to teach secular Jews about their own religion whereas these other groups foist their beliefs on us. However, anyone who proselytizes is guilty of hubris: thinking their way is better, their lives are uniformly better than the lives of “unbelievers”, and that they are more morally righteous. I’ve met many fine religious people who don’t do this and I appreciate the respect they have for others’ belief systems. Secular people might spew as much hate as the believers on blogs but in real life, no atheist has come up to me to convert me.
    In terms of Prop 8, this is not a bad way to get Mormons into our homes to explain how much they have injured the gay community, a community they claim to “love”.

  34. Mustafa. I have met and spken with dozens of Muslims whose faith in Allahh transcends any stupid remark made by a non-believer. Any so-called Islamist who would pick up a weapon to kill a non believer, would just as soon to pick up a weapon to kill someone for the money in their pocket or the color of thrit skin. Because that person is not a Muslim that person is a murderer. You need to spend less time hating and more time praying.

  36. Hey Mormons. You can believe what ever you want about marriage and gays and gold plates and whatever. What you can’t do is deny rights given by the STATE to a certain group of people because they disagree with you. You would think a group once persecuted for their ideas about marriage would get this.

    I’m real sorry your families have been damaged by gay marriages in California and Massachusetts (how exactly have you been threatened, again?) but keep your church out of legislation.

    I think Dan Savage said it best when he said he just wants the same legal recognition from the government for his long term, committed relationship that was given to Brittney Spears and her 1st marriage that lasted all of 72 hours.

  37. If someone doesn’t care to share their faith with you they either don’t give a crap about their faith or don’t give a crap about you (or both)

  39. Hey Seatattle.

    You’ve got it all backwards.

    The STATE didn’t give you marriage, one judge did (indian giver, at that..)
    The STATE voted (TWICE, in fact) to ban gay marriage.
    Keep YOUR religious beliefs out of our State Constitution, please.

    (ps: Mormons are 1% of California. Are you scared of your own shadow, too?)

  41. Of course, it will be a good start when we quit letting people pass bullshit mythology (like being gay isn’t a choice) as medical science.

  42. Seriously, what he did was both hilarious and poignant. Somebody has to make religious people feel bad for ruining other people’s LIVES.

  43. I’m sorry, Brooklyngirl, I didn’t catch that; could you say it one more time?
    Posted by what?

    What do you need mean, what?

    If someone doesn’t care to share their faith with you they either don’t give a crap about their faith or don’t give a crap about you (or both)
    Posted by Paul

    I completely disagree, Paul. While my Christian friends probably do think I’m going to hell, they respect me enough not to say it. When we talk about religion, but it’s a 2 way discussion; no one’s trying to convert anybody. It’s possible to disagree without being disagreeable. It’s possible to love one another, even if we don’t completely agree with each other’s choices in life.

    Also, it’s possible to share one’s faith without proselytizing. My Christian friends talk about what Jesus has done for them without saying I need to believe in him, too.

    We all come closer to Enlightenment (hopefully) in different ways.

  44. @Calinformer: Actually, no. As the Constitution explicitly states, human rights are inalienable and inherent. They are not granted by judges and cannot be taken away by politicians. That’s actually the crux of the Constitutional argument: the inherent human right to equal treatment under the law.

    In fact, that’s why the judges in the case will strike down Prop 8: because it violates the Constitution.

  45. Actually I agree totally, Brooklyngirl.
    If someone feels their faith helps them have a happier life they usually will find a way to (pleasantly) share that with their friends, in a non-obnoxious non-intrusive way. Some people give religion a bad name but it actually is a positive force in many people’s lives. That is something that doesn’t get much (any?) exposure on slog…

  46. Actually, yes-
    The California Constitution explicitly states that human rights are inalienable and inherent. It does not state that gay marriage is. Only in June 2008 did judges grant an invented ‘right’ to gay marriage (knowing the move faced likely rejection by voters in Nov)
    Don’t count on your left wing thug dictator judges again, however- they had a chance to throw Prop 8 off the ballot before it was voted on but did not.

  47. If someone really thinks you’re going to hell and they don’t bring it up, it is not because they respect you.
    they, for whatever reason, decided it wasn’t worth the hassle, awkwardness, etc.
    or they don’t care if you go to hell.
    if a ‘friend’ saw me about to step into an empty elevator shaft and fall to my death would they show their ‘respect’ by letting me die?
    friends don’t let friends go to hell!

  48. @Calinformer: I think the Bill of Rights trumps California’s Constitution. Equal treatment under the law is the law, according to the framers of the Constitution (I guess they were dictators, too?) Prop 8 expressly denies equal treatment to an identifiable group, and it’s going down.

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