The Book of Mormon is available for free, and fleets of dashing
young men commit up to three years of their lives to delivering it. So
if you want retribution for the Mormon-funded Proposition 8—the
bigoted measure that banned same-sex marriage in
California—requesting a copy is one way to burn some Latter-day
dough. If the government won’t tax the church’s pyramid tithing PAC, at
least you can tax its resources.
At Mormon.org, anyone can sign up
for a free Book of Mormon. I thought they’d mail me a copy. But when I
filled out the form, up popped this message: “Thank you for requesting
the Book of Mormon from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day
Saints. You should be contacted by missionaries in a few days.”
Actual missionaries? It sounded too good to be true. Four days
later, my phone rang. It was Elder Guthrie—he and Elder Leatham
would arrive around 6:00 p.m. And at 6:11, there they fucking were. I
shook their hands and pointed them to the couch.
“You may have heard about Proposition 8,” I said. They nodded. I
told them that the California measure cast uncertainty on the marriage
licenses of nearly 20,000 same-sex couples, that Mormon Church leaders
directed their congregations to “do all you can to support
the…amendment by donating of your means and time,” resulting in
two-thirds of the Prop 8 funding.
The boys stared at their shoes. They work and live on Capitol Hill,
and are dispatched by text message every time some gay guy with a beef
orders a book. But their convictions remain strong. “When I read the
Book of Mormon, it makes me happy,” said wide-eyed Guthrie, writing
down passages in suspiciously bubbly handwriting for me to read
later.
The Book of Mormon itself is a melodrama. The passages, printed on
pages thin enough to roll into joints, read like Penthouse prose
spiked with Shakespearian clichés: “Thy seed also had been as
the sand; the offspring of thy bowels like the gravel thereof….”
Bowel seed, First Book of Nephi? Verily gross.
The 779-page Book of Mormon, first written in an Egyptian-ish scrawl
on gold tablets, was discovered by Joseph Smith in 1823. (Nobody has
seen these gold tablets since.) Smith was surely transcribing the word
of God directly when reporting that the Jaredites came to the Americas
to find “elephants and cureloms and cumoms.”
But the book doesn’t directly address gay marriage. When pressed for
an example of the harm that same-sex marriages would cause Mormons,
Thomas Olson, president of the Mormon’s Seattle North Stake, couldn’t
name one. He also wouldn’t quote the Book of Mormon. Instead, he cited
the church’s so-called “Proclamation on the Family.” It declares that
“marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the
family is central to the Creator’s plan….” Church president Gordon B.
Hinckley announced the proclamation on September 23, 1995.
In other words, Mormons updated their religion in 1995, and now
that’s what they all believe and you better believe it, too.
“We certainly don’t condone bigotry or targeting gays or lesbians,”
says Olson. “I guess people would say… that we have done that, but
that is not our intent.”
I told the Elders that it doesn’t matter what their book sayeth about what I can or can’t doeth with my bowel seed. There’s the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, the Flying Spaghetti Monster Cookbook, and they all maintain different recipes for salvation—but those books don’t establish laws for shrimp eaters, ham lovers, or pastophobes. Any holy book or religion, if enacted into law, would deny the followers of another book their freedoms.
I asked the two young missionaries, “Wouldn’t it be bigoted if I
interpreted my book of faith to take away your rights?”
Awkward pause.
“As it happens, I do have a book that guides my faith and would
repeal your rights if passed into law,” I said. I’d folded a few pages
of printer paper in half, and on the cover I’d scrawled “The Book of
More Men.”
“The first page here says, ‘Mormons shall not foist their doctrine
unto others lest those who hateth Mormons subject their rules upon
others. Rule number one: Mormon missionaries must not proselytize.'”
The guys laughed. They would return home to Arizona in a few months
welted by the tongue-lashings of dozens more fags like me. We shook
hands, and they left. I put my copy of the Book of Mormon next to the
toilet, where all my houseguests could use its pages to wipe their
bowel seed. 
str8isthe path?????? really? nice name.
I don’t know what all these talk about muslims and christians. Don’t bring christians into this. Mormons are not christians. stop associating us with them.
hey guys, jeesus is coming and is going to kick your ass. the book of marmon is the true book and will open up a time portal to swalllow yoru souls. dont believe me well just read it and then you will find out.
P.S. I’M LISTENING TO ELECTRIC WIZARD RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude, your article and your attitude are both FUCKED UP!!! for all of us who sincerely hope for gay rights, SHUT UP AND QUIT WRITING THIS GARBAGE!!! we ask for tolerence and acceptance, and you demonstrate the opposite of what we are asking for. SHAME ON YOU!!!
As soon as the Mormans start believing in something more realistic than a spaceman with 800 wives as the Lord and Saviour of us all, then I’ll start taking them seriously.
@Mustafa… FUCK ISLAM… Mohammad ass raped camels… yet another phony ass fucking “religion”
we gay former mormons are so in right now.
Great writing. Bravo!
I have an idea that might make everyone happy!
Lets get rid of marraige! All the heteros seem to think that we are lucky for having civil unions and that we should be thankful for em… so why not just get rid of marraige and give everyone a civil union?! Weither they be gay, staright, mormon, jewish, mouse or cockroach! Why not?
Hey guys I just found some gold tablets in my front lawn. I deciphered them and a holy voice came into my head and told me I should write a book for all to read.
The first chapter is about how everyone should donate money to me.
Oh, what Christian love and tolerance – and confidence in their “god” – radiates from comments to this post. Obviously the believers don’t believe themselves, all they want is strength in numbers.
Like rats.
Holden, thanks for sharing – I might try it myself!
I’ve had Jehova’s visit me twice at home… Luckily enough, both times they were the same three old women to who I opened the door in my underwear (not knowing who they were). PWNED them on Bible knowledge and on their own contradicting argumentations. They still came back for more, though.
Hoping they come back soon for a laugh (crosses fingers)
PS. same applies to all other religions, although at least they don’t wake me up on hangover days.
Hee-Haw Hee-Haw! One guy doing another’s butthole.
Personally, I prefer this definition of marriage:
http://www.theonion.com/content/news_bri…
to the out bi girl. you said you go to the temple? you are either lying to us, or you lied to your bishop because i remember back when i was a kid and was still in the church the bishop asks you if you are involved in any sexual activity and what that activity is. i know that if you told him that you have sex with other girls or even want to have sex with other girls that he is not supposed to give you a temple recommend. so yeah, thanks for defiling the temple along with most everyone else who lies to their bishop to get their recommend.
To Daisy- Every social construct is put in place as social control and that includes liberalism. Social constructs ensure that we act in set ways for our group type, providing a measure of stability to those in power. This is why an average Republican or Democrat will not vote outside of their parties no matter how much they disagree with their parties stance on a subject. I know it’s off subject and I guess it’s directed to anyone who wants to read it, but that’s the truth as I see it. On a side note I was against prop-8 and against a similar proposition that just passed in the state of Florida because they are additions to state constitutions. Amendments to State Constitutions that tell you what you cannot do as apposed to telling you what you have a right to do almost always ends badly. A good example of this are changes to constitutions that were enacted in parts of the west during their inceptions, including such states as Oregon and Washington that forbade African Americans from living there.
where do we send offerings,
yourholyhighnesstheodoretheturd?
Firstly I have a penisXD secondly I never lied as I am still a virgin, therefore in the eyes of the church I haven’t sinned yet. And believe me I would know alot about the churches present day standards on getting into the temple so I don’t appriciate being called a liar or a “difiler”. Being homosexual doesn’t mean that I am sexual active, that is just a closed minded steriotype
OMG, someone insulted a religion and now the Stupids are insulted. Never In Their Lives Have They Heard Such Intolerance.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we lived in a world where it was against the law to criticize religions? That way, they can get away with any crimes and bullshit they wanted, without criticism. Sigh. What a world. Imagine, religion unchecked. That wouldn’t be a problem at all.
You know there are better ways to change Prop 8… instead of sitting on your high horse in you comfy living room staring at some twenty year old clean cut lads trying to make them blush… you could be doing like the 20 something year olds out in front of Westlake center on Saturdays asking people to sign a petition to overturn prop 8. Stop whinning and start working!
Tell us, Chris, what would you have done if the Book of Mormon was disrespected in your presence? I’d like to see you unravel the implied threat of violence in your comment.
Wow, I think that the whole “blame it on the Mormons” game just personifies the ignorance of the author, editors and those of you who are buying into this accusation. The topography of the State of California shows that only 2% of Californians identify themselves as Mormon. This is dwarfed by the whopping 31% of Californians that identify themselves as Catholic and 18% Evangelical Protestants. Somehow I don’t think that the Mormons are to blame for the repeal of proposition 8. Perhaps you should be directing your anger in another direction? This is the beauty of living in a majority rule society! It’s obvious that the majority of Californians, most of them Catholics and Evangelical Protestants were not in favor of this Proposition. I don’t agree with the harassment of any group of people for living there convictions and being responsible, productive members of society. Let this be a lesson to those of you who complain about policys but don’t vote. Perhaps one day majority will rule in your favor. Good Luck!
Mustafa,
I’ve kept a koran next to my toilet for years and no jihadists have come around.
All of you STFU! The Mormon church is full of shit. What kind of “Church” spreads hate… oh wait. ALL OF THEM!
The people spouting “separation of church and state” need to really study their history more and what the statement means. It does not apply here. The church is not controlling the government in any fashion. The church did not use church funds to promote Prop 8, nor did it obligate members to vote a specific way. It encouraged members to remember their teachings and apply them accordingly. That in no way violates “church and state”. Being composed of citizens, the leaders of churches will take an active interest in the issues and like anyone else, will vote based on their beliefs.
If people wanted to really solve the issue, it would be to have the state stop issuing marriages, and instead convert over to civil unions for everyone. Straight or gay. Marriages would then only be performed by churches at their discretion. When the government started doing marriages as well, I can assure you the idea that people would want to marry their same gender never crossed their minds back then. That is why there was never specific verbiage used on defining it. The citizens of California, and other states, have remedied that.
The problem is that even if the state only did civil unions, and churches did marriages, this would still upset people. There are gays out there who would sue for the “right” to get married by a certain church. There was a recent article similar to this about a gay couple that successfully sued to have their union ceremonies on a piece of land owned by a Methodist church. No matter what systems are in place, there will ALWAYS be some gays fighting against it because they don’t like the idea of something they cannot have, regardless of the beliefs behind it. Religions will start to have their rights trampled upon. A line has to be drawn in the sand and Prop 8 drew that line.
And as for the comments of religion breeding hate, the facts show it’s the other way around. Since Prop 8 passed, the hate has been from those against it. There were packages of white powder sent to the LDS temples in LA and SLC and the Knights of Columbus HQ. Numerous churches in Utah were vandalized. An old lady was shown on YouTube being attacked by anti-Prop 8 protesters when she spoke up. A Book of Mormon was set ablaze on the steps of a church in Colorado. And then you get people like the author of this article. While there is plenty of hate against homosexuals in this country, the hate against those who don’t believe in the lifestyle is much larger and more vocal and becoming more violent. It’s becoming its own special version of “reverse racism”.
I didn’t realize this before but this article is in the books section… which is where I thought they wrote book reviews…. this doesn’t seem like it a review… it seems like some douche trying to make himself into a hero…. Maybe the writer should kerep to topic???
As much as I enjoyed a large portion of your article, I started to cringe when you decided to critique the Book of Mormon. Look, the Torah, the New Testament, the Koran, and certainly the book of Mormon all say some pretty funny things. However, I think you’re crossing a line when you talk about someone’s religious text as being ridiculous and declare it worthy as a tool to wipe yourself with. It’s not right to criticize others’ religion. Criticize their political views? Go right ahead. It’s probably important to note that not all Mormons agree with what the LDS says all the time, just like not all Catholics listen to the pope all the time. That being said, why don’t you try criticizing specifically those who are taking away your rights, rather than insulting entire religions and their faithful – some of which probably agree with you on your views.
gAnon is exactly right when he said “You’re a disgrace to the gay-rights movement. It’s people like you that only hurt our cause for equal rights.”
The fact of the matter is, most people in this nation are religious, and many of those people who are religious have some sincere concerns, right or wrong, about gay marriage. Clearly, the events of the past few months have done nothing to resolve those concerns, and articles like this only fan the flames. If you want social change, you need to start convincing and stop mocking/condemning. In the end, it is people like you that end up looking like bigots.
Yeah, Mustafa and Jeremy. Mormonism is no dumber than Judaism, other kinds of Christianity, etc, etc. It’s just newer and smaller, so it hasn’t had time to do both the evil and good that it’s older siblings have done. And they haven’t had time to develop much of a culture yet, either. Not much in the way of distinctive music, art, or cuisine, unless you count seagull stuffed with cricket…
Si
Personally,I am concerned by the nature of these people who are using religion,which is a form of faith and belief to inflict real damage on someone’s mental and physical self’s.
I am all for faith and religion and I think those can be a beautiful thing but why don’t we just use our constitution to help us guide how our society develops.
Allah is good,
Allah is gay.
But don’t let that
Spoil your day!
I once knew a Mormon so fair,
His thighs white and firm with no hair,
His johnson so fine
When rubbed against mine,
We really did make quite a pair!
—
Many are called, but few are chosen,
So step right up for your lederhosen.
I was raised in the mormon church until I was old enough to refuse to go, and thankfully I’ve forgotton most of the brain washing bullshit. However, I do remember some of the ridiculous “teachings” of the church — one was that people of color were marked by God as a curse for some fucked up thing their ancestors did to white people!! Even as a small child I knew (instinctively, I guess) that was a load of shit. If religious nuts weren’t so full of hate, us non-fanatic people wouldn’t have any reason hate them right back.
Dude, you’ve had too many seed deposits in your bowel and it’s seeped through to your tiny brain….
Mustafa, have you ever been to an arab country? widespread homosexuality and pedophilia are 2 of their worst kept secrets. learn something and speak about things you actually know or understand next time. otherwise when you open your mouth some stupid small minded shit might fall out. like it did this time.
-steven
I know from sad experience that by entering my opinion on this blog site regarding the passing of Proposition 8 in California, many will resort to calling me names and labeling me in an obscene manner. I just have a few points of interest that seem to missing in the entire article. I was raised to have respect for others until they prove unworthy of respect. I was also taught to have tolerance and protect the rights of others that have strong beliefs that are diametrically apposed to mine. What disturbs me greatly is the kind of vile words used in these blogs, they border on the mob mentality. Y’all are obviously brave enough to rip a makeshift cross from and elderly woman’s hands and stomp on it during a demonstration, but certainly not brave enough to demonstrate at a black Baptist church in California? Now, y’all justify and stoop so low as to lie to facilitate your cowardly selves in an ambush for verbal assault on young men fresh out of high school. What’s next, yelling sexually explicit obscenities at pre-school children in the playground of a Catholic daycare center?….. The only terms that come to mind are “Sick” & “Twisted”
The next time you call someone a bigot, keep in mind that a lifestyle / sexual preference is a choice, not skin color, not ethnic culture and certainly not disability, but a CHOICE. If you want to know bigotry is just come with me back 35 years in a little town called Philadelphia, Neshoba County, Mississippi. I show you what real hatred and bigotry was. I was there, I lived it, I saw it and even smelled it.
Steven:
You filthy infidel liar!
The virile Arab man would never defile himself in another man!
Why would he, when the she goat is such a fetching creature?
I mean, really!
Please don’t take your bad feelings about the Mormon church out on the missionaries. Growing up in the Mormon religion, I know that these boys only technically have a choice to go on a mission. However, if they don’t go, they are an embarrassment to their family and those in the Mormon faith will look down on them. Be angry at the leaders and make them uncomfortable, but please leave these boys out of it.
Loved the article. Good tip on revenge: order them a missionary!
Good for you, Brother Holden! Don’t let anyone make you feel bad in the slightest for wasting the Mormon’s time and energy. They have done it to me my whole life. Isn’t trying to make them think fun? They don’t know what to do when there isn’t a prepackaged answer to give you. I was baptized when I was eight. It seemed like a fine idea at the time. I also enjoyed playing with barbies, and thought that The New Kids on the Block was the greatest band on Earth. Last month, my ” Home Teacher” found me on Facebook! I told him to leave me alone, and said that the issues I have with “The Church” can not be changed. Those issues are: 1. People of color (Black People) could not hold the priesthood until 1978. God couldn’t have let them in on that one sooner?
2. Polygamy in the afterlife. Why should a guy be faithful to me now if he can have like 2,000,000 wives in heaven?
3. Letting 8 year Olds make life decisions.
He told me I should join Feminist Mormon Housewives…
I am the original HotTipper Zoe, and I love the conversation this started…my 2 cents…
1. If the Mormons (or anyone) offers to give or do something for free, it doesn’t matter what the receiver’s intention are of that gift..they were freely offered it. And if the M’s dont like it, or their technique doesnt work – then pull your G*dD&*n ads off the radio and TV – which is where i heard about this.
2.Last I looked, we live in the US of A, and i can make fun of any imaginary friend (aka God) that i freakin’ like to.
3. Stop with the ‘you wouldnt do this to a Koran or bible or blah blah blah’…the first time any Mullahs in the USA want to outlaw women driving or liquor stores or whatever, I’ll take a toke or snort some blow off the Koran or the Bible, and hope you want to as well.
str8, you really shouldn’t insult the author unless you have your facts straight. The Mormon church encourages young, college age men (and women now too) to go on three year hiatuses from their regular life and do missionary work in foreign places.
Mormon mission lengths are
2 years for men,
18 months for women.
Mr. Holden’s writing is juvenile and boring. I’m finally speaking my piece after suffering through too much of his high-school journalism class-flavored efforts. It’s fairly obvious that his writing is really about trying to be popular and has nothing to do with true journalistic intention. I keep hoping for better fare, but I doubt he has it in him.
I’m afraid that this latest adventure into ego-boosting, ie: ‘journalism’ just isn’t panning out. He should give us all a break and move on, please.
Hempfest responsibilities are a much better fit for Mr. Holden’s fragile ego, as they put him on a stage, he gets to yell his head off for a bit, have people cheer him on, etc.
Thanks, writer. I do this all the time. If some wingnut is handing out their fiction, I ALWAYS take it, tear it up and give it back to them. Just another five cents of theirs wasted, and another piece of garbage they can’t foist on someone else.
STOP THE MORMON AGENDA before they strike again!
Tony, that’s very mature.
Would you like a donut?
I used to get the Mormons at my door on a regular basis. Then one day I told the two cute boys that most of my Mormon friends are gay, and they haven’t been back since. It’s been about 8 years!