Like French wine, Jock Itch usually takes eight to nine days to produce. This week, however, it took me an entire month! October has a reputation for being sportsboring, but that's no excuse for me to torture you, my faithful parishioners, by pontificating gleefully about the end of the Mariners season. You've come to expect more from me, and more you shall get. Here are a few tips on how to improve your racquetball game:

1. Hit the ball softly, high and long, so that your opponent has to remain in the back court to return it. Repeat until your opponent is angry. Then, just when you've lulled them to sleep, smash the goddamn hell out of the ball--LOW and in the corner.

2. In other words, if you want to win, hit the ball LOW, or hit the ball HIGH, and don't ever hit the ball in the mid-range.

3. But if you want to have fun, hit the ball in the mid-range. Racquetball is best served chilled, with a certain amount of childish chaos. There's nothing wrong with running around in a huge enclosed box trying desperately to hit a rubber ball as hard as you can.

4. I sprained my ankle playing racquetball, like, two years ago, and I still walk funny. My foot is like a half-empty gumball machine and when I run I can hear the bones rattling around.

5. Courtney Sandora e-mailed Jock Itch recently: "Hopefully you received our gift pack with kickball and gin..."

6. HOPEFULLY?! Is there something about mailing someone something in a box that, in this day and age, requires HOPE? Courtney, you donkey fucker, you didn't send me squat, and even if you did I would have drank the gin after eating a meatball pizza, puked all over the kickball, and sent it back to you. I HATE, HATE, HATE adult kickball, which means I must also love it somewhere deep inside the most tender and innocent part of my soul. But right now I HATE Courtney Sandora for stating in her e-mail that kickball is America's fastest growing pastime. If kickball is America's favorite pastime, then jock itch is America's favorite bacterial inflammation.