SLOG

I (30's, F) live with my mother where I help to pay bills, make repairs, and do chores in addition to my own expenses. Last year we had to put my father in a nursing home. He will never get better. While she is torn with grief over this—which I and others have repeatedly told her was impossible to avoid given my father's deteriorating condition and state of mind—she also seems to be in a relationship with a man she works with. (She's asked me to fix her phone, which makes me privy to graphic text messages she receives from this man.)

There is no way this would have been ok with my father—not that he is capable of having a conversation about it now. It has made our relationship very awkward. She will recount conversations with people whom she suddenly cannot remember the identities of. She goes on overnight trips to vague places with people she won't identify. She will disappear and become unreachable for hours at a time and then become uncharacteristically angry when I ask where she has been. She lies—frequently, badly. She drinks heavily and is otherwise checked out, preferring to communicate with my siblings through me. She'll offer to help me with something and then disappear or become too drunk to do so.

I have read you for long enough, Dan, that I know you'll want me to stay out of her personal life, but I am worried sick for her and don't know what to do. We cannot have an honest conversation about her drinking, the trips, or her social life. Pushing for details makes me feel like a bitch and a nag. But if she were to vanish on one of her trips, I wouldn't know where to begin looking for her. If I move out and restrict (what my siblings have done) or cut off contact, she will be isolated and likely lose our home. The most a therapist has been able to give me is a shrug and "that really sucks." I know my father would want me to take care of her, but I don't know how, and I'm doing a terrible job so far. I feel like I've lost both of my parents at the same time. Am I completely out of bounds? How do I talk to my mother about what she's doing? How do I proceed from here?

My Mother's Mother