I, Anonymous

1. if you don’t want to give in to this tradition, don’t go to the wedding

2. I concur. You are a whiny bitch.

3. Make them something…? You don’t have to buy off of the registry.

4. Get over your irritation. Go to the wedding sans gift. I can’t tell you how many weddings Ive gone to empty handed no one ever complains, not even me when I don’t get a thank you card. Everybody’s happy. What’s the worst that will happen, the next friend doesn’t send you the “list”?

5. Every new couple needs new sex toys, give them a gift cert to Toys in Babeland.

6. “I’m happy and honored to celebrate the union of two loving individuals.”

   Uh, no you aren’t. You’re a jealous, bitter, sagging bag of shit that would ruin a wedding by your reeky stench.

   Oh, and as #3 said, nobody is required to buy anything of the registry, ya fuckin genius.

7. Um, I always perceived a registry as suggestions meant to help out anyone who *wanted* to give gifts. Unless the couple made a huge deal out of people giving them gifts, the registry is optional. Your problem.

8. Here’s a simple solution: Don’t buy gift. Just send card.

9. I can see the writer’s point. I also feel annoyed when I receive a gift registry link or gift list from well-off people getting married. I don’t have the money to buy MYSELF half the stuff the couple already owns, much less the kind of non-essential crap on the list. Yes, there are solutions to this, yes, I can (and do) buy or make something not on the list, but it’s the principle of it. Gift registries full of unnecessary designer shit are a horrible, consumerist, self-important idea that should fuck off and die already. If it’s stuff the couple needs, that’s another matter. If there is no gift-list and someone wants to bring a nice gift, they’re always welcome to. But a wedding isn’t some kid’s dream Christmas – it should not be treated like an opportunity to get your wish-list of stuff bought and delivered.

10. May I suggest a $20 bottle of wine for them, and a little tube of Loosen Up! for you.

11. Re-gift them some crap they gave you for some holiday or birthday.

12. I always give books. I try to find something I think they won’t have but will enjoy–if they’re going on a honeymoon, a cool piece of travel literature from wherever their destination.

13. A general etiquette rule of thumb is this: If you were invited to the event, you should give a gift, if you attend the event or not. You don’t need to give the Calvin Klein sheets or the Kate Spade decanter, but you DO need to reciprocate the thought. Give what you can afford.

    A meaningful gift I like to give when I can’t afford the highest items? A nice bottle of champagne for about $35 and a hand-written letter. Open it now or in a year, the thought is the same: It was special to be included in your special day, so thank you.

14. Can’t imagine why you’re single.

15. Can’t imagine why you’re single.

16. “In the old days, when poor 20-year-olds married each other”

    Yeah because as everyone knows, nobody was rich in “the old days” whenever the hell that was and all 20-year-olds are always poor. But hey, whatever generalizations make you feel cool about yourself, go for it.

    But for fuck’s sake, don’t buy them a gift; instead please go rent a brain. You’re scaring me.

17. I got married (second time) at the age of 40 and I did not want to register for gifts because we’d already been living/shopping together for 5 years. The longer I went after the engagement without registering, the more I was hounded by family and guests to please let them know where we registered. HOW ELSE WILL WE KNOW WHAT TO BUY? They all wanted to know. So we did. We registered at Bed Bath and Beyond for things ranging in price from $3 to $200 (only one or two up there). People were satisfied to not have to guess about a gift and wonder if we ended up returning it. A lot of our friends couldn’t afford a gift, in fact we paid for their airfare. One of our favorite gifts was from one such guest who gave us a piece of art he had owned and loved for years accompanied by a bawdy poem he wrote to match. The happy couple didn’t register for gifts so you’d have to buy something. Everyone knows you don’t. Even if you don’t re-gift or make something and go to the wedding empty-handed, I seriously doubt they’ll even notice. If they’re paying attention, it’s probably just enough to try and keep a list of the gifts they DID receive for the required thank you cards. What a couple really wants (or should want) is for all their friends and loved-ones to enjoy the party. It’s not like they’re charging admission and hosting a VIP section!

18. Not as much as your oh-so-upright posts would scare a normal person.

    Do you troll here just to get your rocks off, you know, judgmentally-speaking???

19. This is just part of compulsory heterosexuality and forced (ahem) monogamy. Those who do participate break even by both giving and receiving gifts. Those who cannot or will not participate … get taxed.

    Please feel free to use the above paragraph in your toast.

20. Starting to think people take issue with anything that’s printed here. When that imbecile wrote the post saying “I’m not writing any thank you notes, go screw yourselves” everyone screamed blue murder and now when this woman is saying she has no interest in supplementing someone else’s demands, everyone screams blue murder?

    I don’t blame the poster one bit. She won’t even get a thank you note out of it (as determined by that previous idiot without a grateful bone in her body) so why should she provide a gift?

21. Yeah, I agree. The days of “we’re getting married, go buy us a gift, something you wouldn’t afford for yourself” should come to a close.

    And I know it takes a lot of work and a lot of time and artisans do maybe three or four of them a month, but I’d gag on an $800 cake when there is so much real need in this world. Sorry!

    Kind of reminds me of this:

    Look at 17 and 18. Keeping score with Chanel lipstick – lipstick that’s about $30-40 a tube. Have people no shame?

    http://www.marthastewart.com/photogaller…

22. #19 – suck my chode, mmm-kay?

    Anyway, when I got married we didn’t give a shit about the gifts, although the ones we received were certainly appreciated.

    What we really cared about was the people we loved being there with us to celebrate.

    Isn’t that the point of inviting people?

23. Gift giving is customary i.e. traditional, but not at all mandatory, especially for non-attendees. Begging for gifts (or making reference to them at all, i.e. by registries) in invitations is not etiquette, but it’s becoming TRADITION: A rude tradition, if you will. The price tags on some are shocking.

    IA has a point, that “child weddings” of 18-20 year olds traditionally star broke people, so the older generation showers them with gear they’ll need. Those that have made their careers and have one or more fully appointed households do not need this style of gifts at all: time for a new tradition!

24. #21: I think that the whole point of the column is to allow some anonymous venting, so that commenters can excoriate the anons. I don’t think it is meant to be a search for truth or consensus.

    That said, I don’t mind giving a gift to mid-30s or 40s people getting married at all, if they are my friends. What’s the big deal? Especially if I can get drunk at their party. Have a $50 set of coasters or whatever! It’s all junk anyway! Knock yourselves out! Just try to be nice to each ther and not raise shitty kids!

25. you can’t dish out $50? you are a douche in a half. if that’s all you care about when a friend has a major life moment, then… just don’t go. seriously… i’m sure your nasty attitude is not the kind wanted at such an affair. do your really think they put as much resentful thought into creating a registry as you did into writing this column?

    also… many couples in their thirties pay for their own weddings. many “poor” twenty-somethings have parents who pay for their weddings.

    seriously… don’t go. a marriage should be a celebration.

26. I’m with @1 and @3.

27. “A general etiquette rule of thumb is this: If you were invited to the event, you should give a gift, if you attend the event or not. You don’t need to give the Calvin Klein sheets or the Kate Spade decanter, but you DO need to reciprocate the thought. Give what you can afford.”

    this right here is a bag of shit. you are some fucking nitwit victoria star. you should acknowledge an event such as this, ‘congrats!’
    attend the wedding if you want to share in the couple’s happiness, but if you begrudge these people a gift, do not attend. they do not need your sour puss showing up the pictures.

    the registry is not a whole bunch of “i gotta have it”. the registry helps those without imagination, or those with limited time and unlimited funds. if you know the couple, you should be fine going off registry. if you don’t know the couple, reconsider attending.

28. Shit; if I’m short on cash, I don’t give gifts at weddings either (people tend not to give a shit that only 40 of their 80 guests brought them a gift).

    But what kind of moron is affronted by the very idea of giving a wedding gift? Registering is really not some shocking, bold move that only a greedy asshole would do. Other celebrations involve gifts; why not weddings?

    And here’s a big, obvious hint for the OP: wedding (/holiday/birthday/graduation…) gifts aren’t customary because people are demanding pricks. They’re customary because it’s a celebration and gifts are celebratory (The more you know)! And if you can’t afford it, it’s usually no big deal.

    Come back when they actually bitch at you for not buying them a china set. Or, more likely, when you want to obliviously bitch that nobody got you a gift for your wedding.

29. Technology has made major inroads into improvement of the human condition. An inflatable nativity scene isn’t one of those, though. Of course, science doesn’t have all the answers (not yet, anyways). Get them an inflatable nativity scene to make their first Christmas extra-special.

30. Give them one of those charity gifts, where you pay for some third-world village`s water pump or some family`s yak or something in the happy couple`s name. You get to deny the couple the the unnecessary appliances, you look charitable, and they can`t bitch about you without looking like heartless consumer whores. Win-win!

31. All the anon’s overthinking bitchiness aside, I’m seeing a lot of posters who are out of touch with what “broke” means. Not being able to afford a “nice $35 bottle of champagne” or “dish out $50” doesn’t make someone a “douche and a half”. Living paycheck-to-paycheck doesn’t leave room for gift giving of that scale, no matter how much you love the couple. It barely leaves room to get Mom something for Christmas. That’s not whining, that’s not douchey tightwad bitterness; it’s fiscal reality for some of us.
    Anon, stop stressing about it. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself, enjoy your friends’ special day, and give them something within your budget (ignore the registry). If the couple knows you, they probably know you can’t afford it, and they won’t think less of you.

32. Living in an alternate universe, I’ve never attended a wedding where there was a registry. Nor was there one for my wedding, a civil service before a judge. So, I am speculating to say the anon seriously needs to review her criteria for friends. Maybe there aren’t any better options where she is.

33. I’m sure that if they knew your financial situation, they wouldn’t want you to spend food money on trying to get them a gift. Skip the gift, skip the ceremony and use the money you save on gas and presents and get your financial situation straight. The first thing to wrap your mind around if you are having financial troubles is that spending ‘to impress’ somebody is the first thing to go!

    Send a thoughtful letter saying how much you love the couple and wishing them every happiness. (41 cents until the post office changes it’s mind) and all will be well.

34. I agree that weddings have gotten ridiculous, especially when there are people who go into serious debt to host events that they can’t afford. But I think that other people’s finances are their own business. Whether they can afford it or not and whether they already have a house full of very nice, very expensive things is not the point. If you are really their friend, then the point is to celebrate their future happiness together. You spend what is in your budget and then you give it graciously. If they don’t appreciate it, because you didn’t get them the most expensive gift on the list, then they’re not really your friends either.

35. I’m married. I got married when I was fucking 20 years old. If anyone was the perfect candidate for that horseshit it was me. But rather than throw a wedding I couldn’t afford and expect extravagant gifts in exchange, I went to the fucking courthouse. There were 7 people there. We all went to dinner afterward and the only people shelling out were parents.
    Who were extremely generous since they didn’t have a wedding and reception to pay for 🙂

36. buy the fuckers a couple o’ chickens or rabbits through HEIFER PROJECT. then you’ll see the graciousness or shitheadedness of dear newlywed.

37. Go to the wedding and give them a nice card. Hell, skip the $35 bottle of champagne and give them a $20 bottle of wine! As a recent bride, the gifts are awesome – every time I get one of my new kitchen tools out, I smile and think of the wedding and the friend or family member that was generous with both time and money.

    Then again, I also scale gifts with how hard I have to work to get there. Do I need to get a hotel room – that $80 budget just went to $40 to help offset costs….

38. I have to say I’m most bothered by the across-the-board expectation of gifts. If you don’t need shit, don’t ask for it, because there are people (like the poster…or me) who don’t have much money, but give something decent because its what’s expected (and I know that’s my hang-up, trolls).

    I got married on Halloween, our invitations said that people could bring a gift or wear a costume, but not both. Everyone in my parent’s generation and beyond brought gifts, all of my peers and broke-ass friends wore costumes. It was awesome.

39. “A general etiquette rule of thumb is this: If you were invited to the event, you should give a gift, if you attend the event or not.”

    Unfortunately, a lot of people use this rule of thumb as a ploy to get more gifts. They invite people who they know can’t come (or they know probably isn’t interested in coming) so now that person is obligated to send a gift. It’s also a way of getting more shower gifts – invite every extended family member who has two X chromosomes and shares at least 1/50th your DNA, or is married to someone who shares at least 1/50th your DNA, regardless of whether you’ve ever had more than a five-minute conversation with them or not (probably at some other family member’s wedding or shower). Presto! An avalanche of gifts!

    It’s bullshit. When I get an invite from someone I barely know, I send a card for the wedding or my regrets (ha!) for the shower. If I ever get married, I’m going to do the courthouse thing and send out announcements after the fact that say “no gifts please, but if you feel so compelled you may make a donation to Lambda Legal in support of marriage equality.” Even though I could seriously use the loot.

40. I just give people a copy of “Nathaniel Merriweather presents Lovage: Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By.”

    I never buy anyone anything I can’t afford and I make sure to drink more at the reception (based on wholesale cost of liquor v. retail of gift) than I spent of the gift. And if I were to get married, I’d be happy to see my guests doing the same.

41. You don’t need to bring a gift and you certainly don’t need to choose something from their registry.

    I got married ten years ago, without registering for gifts. Not everyone who came gave us a gift and that’s completely fine. Our friends and family came to celebrate with us, which is what we wanted and what we most remember. If you can’t afford a gift, don’t buy one. Show up and celebrate. Maybe you could write them a note telling them how happy you are for them. If you want to give a gift, give them a homemade gift certificate good for dinner at your house sometime. If you both garden, tell them you’ll be bringing over some plants next spring. If you cook, bring over a cake sometime during the first couple of years that they’re married. Give them jam or homemade applesauce or a casserole dish with your favorite recipe attached. Teach them to do something they’d like to learn. Buy tickets for all of you to a local amateur theater production. They’ll remember the homemade, personal touch much, much longer than they recall who contributed a blender.

    Depending on what you choose–like dinner or a gardening session–the present can give you a chance to spend time together, which is the whole point of friendship. Registries started as a way to make helpful suggestions, but they’ve devolved into what can feel like a shakedown.

42. I’m with Anon. Sending all your friends to your registry is tacky and makes the wedding seem like merely a means to an end. My wife and I made a registry only after some people specifically requested it, and this was after we had said that gifts were not expected.

    Make a donation in their name to a charity they would plausibly support. They will either get the hint or reveal their true greediness by showing their displeasure. Do you really want these people in your life?

43. My brother got married this past summer, and everyone ASKED them to make a registry. Begged them to tell them what they’d like, so that they wouldn’t get them multiples or the wrong thing.

    He’s an actor, she’s a teacher, they are not rich by any means. They live in a tiny NYC apartment, and searched their brains for things to put on it, entirely for the sake of their friends who already wanted to bring gifts.

    So, for some of us, that’s all a registry is really about.

44. PS. I love the idea of contributing to a charity, in their name, for a cause that they’d support. FWIW, any of my friends would be delighted with such a gift (which, in part, is why they’re my friends).

45. @46- If you are in your 30s and have set all your priorities on being able to afford luxury goods, you need to re-evaluate you life.

46. If someone you love is getting married, it’s nothing but appropriate to contribute to the celebration of their union with a small but appropriate gift. If you don’t love at least one of them, send a fucking card. That’s my rule.

47. Dang, you Seattle people are crazy-bitchy! The I Anon girl has a point.. let her vent for Chrissakes! Sheesh!

    The blind self-righteous indignation is just GUSHING out yer grouchy lil’ asses. Take a pill already. Reading this hooey reminds me of why I ditched your miserable community. Y’all just live to disapprove of everything (esp. when you secretly approve of it). Bleh!

48. Typical Seattle… [rolls eyes at all y’all]

49. I’m as bothered by the across-the-board expectations for gifts as i am by the across-the-board expectation for tips.

    Don’t want to buy a present? don’t. I couldn’t possibly tell you who brought a gift and who didn’t to our wedding. I do remember a couple of gifts very specifically (a long-time friend bought my wife a Kitchen-Aid mixer which she loves to this day), but I don’t remember much else. It’s simply unimportant, but if it makes your whiny ass feel better to bitch and moan about a surrogate problem (the real issue here is that you’re single and hate yourself) feel free, but be prepared to get mocked by people like me without such insecurities.

50. Gloria @7 is the voice of reason here, but I can see it’s a little late for that to be clear.

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