I’m the one who found your lost cell phone on the street. My first
instinct was to find out whom it belonged to and return it, to do my
Good Samaritan deed. It wasn’t password protected, so I looked around
on it to find some identifying information. That’s when I found all
your Election Day text messages between you and your other racist
buddies. “Did you hear that Hallmark has a new Obama presidential
Christmas ornament? Now everyone can hang that nigger from a tree!” and
“The White House is now tearing out its Rose Garden and replacing it
with a watermelon patch.” There were ones worse than that.

Bless you, you white-supremacist fuck! Two days after the election,
I couldn’t have found a better celebratory gift! I texted everyone in
your contacts with this message: “I admit it, my racism is a sham! The
truth is I love black cock—in my mouth or up my ass, it doesn’t
matter, it all makes me blow my load!” I figure a racist like you is
probably also homophobic, so I’m sure you have some explaining to do to
your chums. Out of decency, I didn’t text your mom. Even she doesn’t
deserve to know what a racist piece of shit her son is. You might want
to password-protect your next phone. I took a lot of pleasure in
beating this one to death with a hammer. (Obama probably wouldn’t
approve because he’s a decent, upstanding guy. Me, not so much.) recommended

154 replies on “I, Anonymous”

  3. Actually, you should text or call his mom. She needs to know these things but please please wait to do it until Thanksgiving or Christmas. Those are the best times for those sort of calls!

  6. Hahahaha, Hilarious! I thought I had heard them all, but you just gave me two more Obama jokes to tell my friends! They are just jokes people, relax. Tell a joke and all the sudden he is scum of society. Goddamn you people are in such a little bubble up there in Seattle. Fucking Relax!!!

  7. Ahhhh found phones. Hours of prankable entertainment!

    Next time take pictures of all of the disgusting things you can think of – your morning dump, etc… and throw in some porn,,, THEN text everyone. Might as well send it to a few email addresses too…

  9. Wow, talk of lynching a man for committing the crime of having brown skin is “just a joke” Texas Pete? Only a dumb cracker who lives in his own bubble could think that. Why don’t you go back to the fucking yourself with brisket while your sister sucks you off you piece of shit. Come hang out here in our ‘bubble’ with your favorite racist joke printed on a t-shirt and see how long you last in my “hood”.

    Now thats what I call funny.

  11. Great story, and I’m happy that you found the cell phone of a white supremacist, and took the opportunity, but at the same time, I think your choice of humiliation…portraying him (assuming it’s not a her) as Gay as an insult just feeds into the whole mentality that saying someone’s Gay is an effective insult, when we know it’s perfectly normal. Know what I mean?

  12. Thank You,
    You have shown me the error of my ways. I am sooo ashamed and enlightened now that you have put me in my place. My friends razzed me hard.

    Now where can i meet you to get my cell fone back?

  13. congrats, you’ve not only committed a crime but you’ve contributed to the hate between different social groups. have a cookie, dumbass

  16. Some things that masquerade as jokes are not funny and are not meant to be. I agree that criminal behavior is not an appropriate response at all;however, I understand the sentiment.

  20. hilaaaarious jokes… the author probably is making up the entire story about finding a phone just to tell these edgy jokes without getting called out for being a racist for thinking of them.

  22. Bob Dodds said: “hilarious….offended by speech…ok with criminal activity….just so we’re clear….”

    Only whipped mamma’s boys accept laws at face value like lemmings. “Criminal activity” according to who?

  24. Omg! I am so glad you did that! Good for you!

    I can’t believe that people like that even open their mouths (or texts), they’re just embarrassments for the rest of us!

  26. I would have just texted everyone those messages and not smashed the phone. It would have been much funnier for the douche to have to have to explain his actions in the aftermath of that!!!

  27. LMAO! Fucking CLASSIC, but rather than beating it with a hammer, I’d have liked to see the phone get passed around at a shelter for the homeless or battered women to allow folks in need to make a few calls, then donated to one of the many charity groups that recycles cell phones to raise funds…. or maybe just the battery (less traceable)

  28. Why do we ALWAYS have to resort to racist bullshit and name-calling whenever there’s any sort of controversy? Hey Texas Pete and SizzleChest: how do you know that these other posters who are mad about those jokes are black? Maybe they’re just enlightened white people who, unlike yourselves, don’t subscribe to the idea that racist jokes are the pinnacle of comedy? Maybe there ARE intelligent people who (again, unlike yourselves) are sick of stupidity.

  30. I voted for Obama. He’s the bee’s knees. Absolutely LOVE the guy.

    I also laughed at the hallmark joke. It’s been floating around for a while, and it’s funny. After the election my multinational group of friends and I got together to celebrate at a bar south of Dallas and whipped everyone up in a corus of “three cheers for the n—er in the White House!” and many people who we asked responded with “F–k yeah, I voted for the n—er!”

    Racist? Sure. Awesome? F–k yeah, n—er!

  31. Darkie, I hope you’re joking. I sincerely hope you’re just being an ass and not actually telling a true story of how a bunch of people got together to tell nigger jokes.

    Wow. I’d love to see you tell that joke to an ACTUAL Black Person’s Face. And see how ‘awesome’ it is then.

    Douche nozzle.

  32. It was SOUTH DALLAS.

    Also, I’M BLACK.

    We do it different here. Lighten up. Assigning arbitrary feelings of outrage to a set of comments only gives them power. Laughing at them takes that power away. Who’s the racist now?

  34. Finally! A decent I, Anonymous. After months of pathetic, cry-baby submissions from fat chicks nobody wants to fuck, we get a real gem. Bless you, submitter!

  35. I’m gonna get allot of flak for this and i don’t give a FUCK, Everyones entitled to an opinion. And Its mine that you are as bad as the guy who is racist. Hes most likely just ignorant, and his mom is probably a racist too ( since most racists are raised that way, you don’t just decide one day i hate black people ) Kinda like you are ignorant to destroy someones property who doesn’t agree with you politically, yes hes clearly a bad person, does that give you a right to destroy his phone? you could have at least sold it… but no ! that phone is racist now ! cause it had racist messages on it, id better smash it with a hammer instead of selling it on craigs list like any other intelligent unemotional, unspoiled, person would have. Dur you fail BADLY

    +1 for trying
    +1 for not being racist

    -10 for being a wasteful moron who smashed a perfectly good cell phone that didn’t belong to you

  37. And the fact that you texted every person and smashed it with a hammer shows

    A. your childish
    B. your too emotional
    C. your not over the age of 21
    D. you most likely don’t support yourself or you wouldn’t smash a phone that costs MONEY

  38. pff the people on this site seem just as bigoted and racist.

    i can just imagine you finding a black man’s phone and looking through the messages and not complaining when they use the name cracker.

    fucking double standard assholes.

  39. I just SO wish it was true. I want it to be true! I wish I could be so lucky, but the fact is, you did far more with that phone than I would have thought to do. If this is a true story, bravo, hats off to you, thank you and way to go! If this is your fantasy, well, it’s a good one at least.

  40. So long as this guy can distinguish between sent and received txts, good job. I’ve received some of those exact same jokes from (now) distant friends. Not the kind of shit you like to see popping up on your phone.

  41. I live in Texas too, Texas Pete, so that means I’m not in a “little bubble up there.” Stop spouting ignorant crap and reinforcing Texas stereotypes. You and other people who laugh at lynch mobs are the exception, not the rule. I’m sick of assholes like you making the rest of us look bad.

  42. viva free speech. does anyone think that beating a person for saying something is going to make that person (or their family) say it LESS? this is the same mentality of “let’s bomb them so they stop hating us.”

  43. Look, loved the story and all, wished it was me that had lived it, etc. etc., and got a bit of a larf out of reading the comments. But I’ve got my own “I, Anonymous” that I’m cooking up these days. I’m a smart, political, hip gay man from Portland who’s living in Port Orchard. I know, I know … think about it. Kinda gets the old shudders going, eh? I’m glad to see “I, Anonymous” steering back into the seriously “Jeez-H-Christ” territory it used to tread so well. But wait for mine … just wait.

  45. Will all the Hallmarks be carrying the ornaments? Shouldn’t hte string go around the neck and not thru thr X? I didn’t vote for Obama, but he has my full suport. To bad it wasn’t neg. comments about Queen Christine G.. What a lieing douche

  46. If this makes anyone think twice about using or sending racist or otherwise discriminatory, prejudiced jokes, terms or insults, GOOD. If this only spurs additional comments on the same line, what has been accomplished?
    The jokes were in poor taste to say the least. I’m not saying anything about what people might say in insular groups (that be their own business and protected in this country) ~ just that one should think about public reaction to anything that is put in black and white (no pun intended). If you wouldn’t fess up to it, don’t write it down. Dig?
    Truth is, this country elected Obama because he was clearly seen as the best choice by the majority. Don’t like it? Move someplace that isn’t a democracy.
    Just sayin’ is all.

  48. This is what I Anonymous is all about!

    I just wish that I was the letter writer. Of course, I can’t help but feel pity for the lost phone guy. What if he is not a racist shit, but just has a bunch of friends that are? Then again, you probably did him a favor in that case, because who needs friends like that?

  50. Not a chance in hell the story is true.

    I therefore place you on a level far beneath that of the fictitious, and very hokey, “racist” character you magically brainstormed.

    When white guilt goes too far…

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