I’m the one who found your lost cell phone on the street. My first
instinct was to find out whom it belonged to and return it, to do my
Good Samaritan deed. It wasn’t password protected, so I looked around
on it to find some identifying information. That’s when I found all
your Election Day text messages between you and your other racist
buddies. “Did you hear that Hallmark has a new Obama presidential
Christmas ornament? Now everyone can hang that nigger from a tree!” and
“The White House is now tearing out its Rose Garden and replacing it
with a watermelon patch.” There were ones worse than that.
Bless you, you white-supremacist fuck! Two days after the election,
I couldn’t have found a better celebratory gift! I texted everyone in
your contacts with this message: “I admit it, my racism is a sham! The
truth is I love black cock—in my mouth or up my ass, it doesn’t
matter, it all makes me blow my load!” I figure a racist like you is
probably also homophobic, so I’m sure you have some explaining to do to
your chums. Out of decency, I didn’t text your mom. Even she doesn’t
deserve to know what a racist piece of shit her son is. You might want
to password-protect your next phone. I took a lot of pleasure in
beating this one to death with a hammer. (Obama probably wouldn’t
approve because he’s a decent, upstanding guy. Me, not so much.) 
Annonymous needs to be arrested an prosecuted for failure to return lost or misdelivered property and property destruction….. Then while in county he can enjoy that Black C&ck…
so it is true, the only people left to make jokes about are white middle aged men.
hmm.. now I think about it, this story is looking more an more like it’s not real. Maybe the Stranger needs to bring out the blood hounds to filter this kind of fantasy stuff out.
Must be Texas Pete’s phone.
I’m of two minds on this. On one hand the texts sound pretty awful and disgusting. On the other hand they were sent privately and may have been meant as humor. Sometimes people play “offensive chicken” with close friends and say horrible things to be funny. That doesn’t make it any less offensive, but that’s why its kept private. I’m not sure if this guy meant it or not, but in any case I don’t think anonymous was within his or her rights to judge this guy’s intentions.
Texas is a bubble. A big old zit that needs to be popped.
Do you think Mexico would take it back, if we paid them?
Oh my God.. That is the funniest rant I’v heard this year..Karma gotta love it!!!!!!!!!!
Obama 2008 and beyond.
Soooo.. Freedom of speech is dead?
Wow. Good job… we should ALL commit libel against people we don’t agree with.
GOOD JOB!
Golly 2.0
Regardless of whether the phone’s owner was “really” being racist or just “joking,” the ‘black cock lover confessional’ was brilliant – if for no other reason than the gearbox was dumb enough to lose his phone in the first place.
Smart money says he’s just another useless American jackass, so let the hammers rain down upon him. He’s earned it.
lets face it guys, obama’s just another black man asking for change.
The truth is this whole blog got started because, some one invaded someone else’s privacy. Just like George Bush did with the Patriot Act. The sooner everyone realizes no one is right, and everyone is wrong the better off we are all. On top of that black people are a plague, just like white people. There are white people, and then there are wiggers. There are black people, and then there are niggers. Don’t be a Dick. Fuck TED.
It’s been my experience, that the only group of people that truly know how to get along with any other group, are those people in the arts. That said, here are lyrics of wisdon by Depeche Mode:
People are people
So why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully
People are people
So why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully
So we’re different colours
And we’re different creeds
And different people
Have different needs
It’s obvious you hate me
Though Ive done nothing wrong
I’ve never even met you
So what could I have done
I cant understand
What makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand
People are people
So why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully
People are people
So why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully
Help me understand
Help me understand
Now you’re punching
And you’re kicking
And you’re shouting at me
And I’m relying on your common decency
So far it hasn’t surfaced
But I’m sure it exists
It just takes a while to travel
From your head to your fist (head to your fists)
I can’t understand what makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand
People are people
So why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully
People are people
So why should it be
You and I should get along so awfully
I can’t understand
What makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand
I can’t understand
What makes a man
Hate another man
Help me understand
I can’t understand
What makes a man
Hate another man
I can’t understand (people are people)
What makes a man (why should it be)
Hate another man
Help me understand…
“Texas Pete” does not speak for all residents of Texas. Thank God. The jokes weren’t even funny, which is a part of what makes them so offensive.
I got a racist text on election night from a gay, Meixcan friend in Texas. It said: BREAKING NEWS McCain is dropping out of the race claiming the whole country has gone nigger-lover.
I wrote him back: What the fuck is this?
He said: Sorry. It was a fwd and I’m drunk. My bad.
Only a racist fuck would fwd that message, drunk or sober.
Wow… jesus if anyone got ahold of my phone I’m sure they would find out a shit load about me by my text messaged jokes.
Riiight…
Its not your fucking phone, you had no right to assume the owner was a fuckin nazi or kkk member or whatever. We’ve all told racist jokes to a friend or two. He was telling a friend a joke. Its not like he was destroying peoples personal property or anything…
Jokes don’t break peoples cell phones… assholes who can’t take jokes break peoples cell phones.
I hope you lose your phone and a black guy finds it and sells it for crack.
@Texas Pete:
“all the sudden” is simply grammatically wrong, you mixed-up Bush-state hick. It’s “all of a sudden.”
But don’t worry, Georgie will be back down there soon to teach you how to say nookyoulear. And a half-black democrat will be president.
Eat that. And make it nookyoulear.
that is a great way to get back at such a racist piece of shit. And you are right, Racists are homophobic as all get out. At least the ones here in the midwest are.
If I would have found that phone, I would have done exactly the same thing, except maybe texted a few gay porn sites to his buds. Now that would be fun!
that is fucking awesome
Awesome column!
Agree that there is no point is texting his mother since that is the most likely place for his racist teachings.
Signed: Not writing from Seattle but from London England where the racism is so bad that Obama would have never been elected.
Another thought about the racist “humour” on the phone:
1. They are specific to the history of African Americans but Obama’s father was born, raised and lived in Kenya, Africa. His mother was White and American so the racist comments do not really apply.
2. Do the racists even understand that this man who is half Black and Half White is Half White American and half Black African.
3. Obama knows these ideas and comments do not apply to him. He is not from a history of slavery as the “humour” would like to suggest.
People need to think a bit more critically. Not the forte of racists, I know.
There are lots of people, myself included, who tell racist jokes, but aren’t racist. They tell those jokes because of the cringe factor, and the jokes are also funny in the “haha, aren’t we glad we can laugh about racism” way.
So I hope you have more concrete evidence of your supposed “racist” than a bunch of racist jokes in text messages. Congratulations on your display of violence and shortsightedness :).
Anyone else consider that this whole story is the completely made up fantasy of a self righteous blue stater that was born after all the good fights had already been won, yet still wanted to desperately to be seen standing up for something?
Just throwin’ that out there…
Also, reading through some of the response comments, I think it would add some weight to the idea that this “story” is purely whimsical. Look at all these commenters saying things like “I wish I was you” or “You have lived my fantasy” or “I always thought the same thing”…
Either that, or the original poster is a genius in figuring out a way to get two racist jokes into a publication that would otherwise never print them?
I would call this a great example of passive-aggressiveness. Not only do you possibly humiliate someone who deserves far worse, but you avoided any nasty altercations. Thanks for doing us all a favor.
Can’t believe it… my roommates (from Atlanta of course) texted each other the watermelon Obama joke. I weas disgusted. They chided me for being uptight, that they’re not racist because they have black friends, etc. So immature.
I’m so glad you posted this and did what you did!
I think it has been underemphasized that a violation of privacy (allegedly) took place. I found a cell phone on the bus the other day and my first thought was “I should give this to the bus driver.” Followed by “Maybe the person will call their phone and then we can arrange for me to return it.” It never occured to me to check their messages. So, if you find someone’s phone, be a nice person and don’t invade other people’s privacy. It’s not a crime to lose your phone or have an opinion or think something is funny.
maybe the guy was being post-modern and satirizing racists with some over-the-top comments. that’s more likely in the humorless, hipster cesspool of seattle than anything else. you guys don’t even have any black people, fucking politically correct douchebags.
It’s been a long time since I, quite surprisingly, made an audible “FUCK YEAH” simply by just reading something… by the by the “fuck yeah” was thru gritted teeth!
nice one butt plug. You committed a federal crime punishable by up to a $50K fine and/or up to 10 years in a federal prison.
enjoy your ObamaNation
as an aside, the destruction of a cell phone by buckshot at about ten yards is a fascinating display of kinetics. It’s not like t.v., where you get the nice shrapnel etc, but all the sudden, boom… it’s just not there any more. I highly recommend it as a science project and as emotional stress relief. Hrmm… I’ve always wanted to blast a cell with a microwave under controlled circumstances…
Anybody ever told or laughed at one of the dead baby jokes? Do you think dying babies is funny? Or is it just funny because of the absurdity? Think more…react less!
Um yeah – I live in Texas – I promise we’re not all like ‘Texas Pete.’
Best I, Anonymous ever!
Another “should have texted mom” vote.
Why is ok for black people to call white people cracker? a racial slurr is just that, no matter what race you are talking about, so you are a racist calling out a racist? the world just gets better and better.
drain_you,
perhaps because “cracker” hasn’t been used in conjunction with centuries of enslavement, brutality, and oppression.
Harold,
While the hipsters outnumber the blacks, we do have them. Perhaps you never noticed because you were stuck in the suburbs with your head up your ass.
Man, there are a lot of stick-up-their ass people coming out of the woodwork on this one.
Like Vasya, I too appreciate a good racist joke. I also love Holocaust jokes, rape jokes, retard jokes, dead baby jokes, incest jokes, Sarah Palin jokes – ANY joke that works, regardless of content. I’ve always believed that blaming racism on humor is a red herring, to say the least.
It’s amazing how many people jump on their high horses and scream “racist” at this guy just because of two fucking jokes on his phone.
JesusHChristonapopsicklestick. I’ll side with some of the Texas posters on this one: Seattle really is one of the most easily-offended pussified places in America. I love the town but realize there are some reasons I left…
Not everyone has told a racist joke.
Dead baby jokes are funny because dead babies dont eat their way out of a pile of dead babies, racist jokes arent funny because their subject matter actually occurs in most cases.
If you tell a racist joke you are a racist. If you dont tell a racist joke you are probably a racist on some level.
Its ok to call white people crackers much more so than it is ok to call black people nigger because of the power dynamic. Calling a white person a cracker doesnt have a connatation behind it that the white person is less than, and there is so implicit threat of violence behind it. Calling a black person a nigger has a history of violence and degredation and a present context of violence and degredation.
If someone has a bunch of racist friends they probably are racist too. People, especially in social circles, are solipsistic. I dont want to be friends with people who tell racist jokes because I am less racist then they are.
Maybe we should discuss the new first dog – pitbull, right?
Some people are too sensitive. I heard all the jokes listed and plenty of the much worse ones as a friend of mine read them off his list of text messages to me. He was texting them to everyone because he thought they were absolutely hysterical.
Did I mention that he’s black?
I’ve found that most of the people who overreact that way are themselves the racist ones.
Harold, you hit the nail on the head.
To anyone else who thought what the poster did was appropriate, have you ever laughed at Sarah Silverman’s humor? Or any comedian lately? Get a grip and go read the 1st and 14th Amendments to the Constitution.
Sorry, but you’re the asshole here. You “looked around on it for some identifying information”? Really? So scroll through the phone book, call the first couple of people and be done with it. You didn’t have to go through the texting history…you were snooping. And yes maybe this person is a racist asshole and maybe he isn’t, but we do know that you’re a snooping douchebag.
how do you know it was a he?
congratulations buddy you’ve taken the first step towards eliminating racism the funny part is you found my phone. But just like I don’t have any control over what filth people send to my phone, I also had no say in my phone being STOLEN from my work, my privacy being invaded by a theif, or some ignorant white dude calling me a racist. So in conclusion, not only are you an ass hole but maybe if you would have called my mom and told her I was racist I would have my STOLEN phone returned when she laughed at you and told you that not only did we shed joyous tears together on election day, but also that we are black. You fucking jackass
Whoa, whoa whoa Mr. Brisket. Hate is not cool no matter who it’s directed at. You think you’re morally superior because you’d rather lynch a “dumb cracker” than a man with brown skin? You’re no different than he is, dude. There is no morally superior hate.
Loved it….a little gentle karma pay back. Let’s face it, no one was really harmed.
nice try myphone. you ain’t the guy.