I’m a 21-year-old woman from Canada who sleeps with other women. Two questions for you:

1. My LGBT friends and I disagree about what we girls who sleep with girls exclusively should call ourselves. Everyone else prefers “lesbian” and bitches at me for hating that word. Can’t I call myself gay?

2. I am a really kinky person: I’ve been very sexually active and into BDSM since I was 16. I have a large toy collection and many of the toys are dildos and anal plugs. I like anal a lot, but the thought of vaginal just doesn’t interest me, so I’ve never gone there. I’ve read about how breaking the hymen can hurt and—despite the fact that I enjoy being flogged and scratched—that scares me a little. Should I get over it and go to town or stick with everything else that works for me?

Good Gay Girl

1. You can call yourself whatever you like, GGG, and your friends can call themselves whatever they like. They’re entitled to their opinions, however, along with their preferred labels. Friends should be able to discuss their differing opinions and preferences without bitching and/or being so thin-skinned that a calm discussion about a sensitive subject is mistaken for bitching.

2. “Tearing the hymen doesn’t always hurt and rarely hurts with any severity,” says Debby Herbenick, sex researcher, vulva puppeteer, and coauthor (with Vanessa Schick) of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. “Going slow with a smallish, well-lubricated dildo is a good place to start, or two or three well-lubricated fingers. Doing this while highly aroused sets you up for a better experience.”

But before you explore vaginal penetration, GGG, Herbenick recommends a trip to your nearest female-friendly sex-toy shop.

“If most of your toys have been used in the anus/rectum,” says Herbenick, “it would be wise to get a new vagina toy.”

And if you’re broke?

“Then put a condom over a clean anal toy or clean a nonporous (glass, medical-grade silicone) anal toy before using it in the sensitive vagina,” says Herbenick.

While most women enjoy vaginal penetration, GGG, not all women do. (And most women who enjoy vaginal penetration require additional, focused, and intense stimulation of the clit in order to get off.) If you decide vaginal penetration isn’t for you, that’s also a preference to which you’re entitled.

I was chatting with a guy, and he mentioned that one time this girl accidentally vomited all over him during oral sex. He confessed that this turned him on. I consider myself GGG, but that is not something I’m game for. The thought of puking in a sexual scenario is completely unappealing. Does my refusal to do this revoke my GGG card? Or is this so out of the norm that I can refuse without losing my GGG card?

Pleasing Upchucking = Kinky Extremism?

Let’s revisit my original definition of GGG: “GGG stands for good, giving, and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason.”

Some kinksters skip past the “within reason” part of the definition when they’re discussing kinks with vanilla partners. They shouldn’t. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding that your partner have sex with other people because it turns you on (asking your partner to assume all of the physical risks that go along with that, to say nothing of the emotional risks for a partner who isn’t interested in having sex with other people), etc.—all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a “fetish too far,” which you’ll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.

I’m a 20-year-old female college student living with my 23-year-old boyfriend. We’ve been dating for two years, and our sex life has always been awesome. My boyfriend has a high libido, so high that I can’t always get him off when he wants it. He says I don’t want to have sex with him, when we have sex probably four times a week and I’m totally happy to give him head, jerk him off, or take off my clothes for him any other time he asks. Whenever we sit down together, he’s immediately horny and he gets cranky when I have to say no. Is this a ridiculously high libido? I try to be GGG, and he does the same for me, but I hate feeling guilty about not having sex with him constantly. I’ve started just telling him to masturbate to porn, and he does it willingly but usually whines a little first about how I “never” want to have sex. Totally false! My body just can’t take it every day. What do I do?

My Boyfriend Is Incredibly Horny

At two years, your boyfriend is getting vaginal intercourse four times a week, MBIIH, along with handjobs, blowjobs, and you standing there naked whenever he likes? Plus a cheerful okay to watch porn and jerk it whenever he feels the need?

You’re not trying to be GGG, MBIIH, you are GGG.

Your boyfriend doesn’t realize how good he’s got it. He isn’t lacking for sex; what he lacks is perspective. He clearly doesn’t understand or appreciate what it’s like to be on the receiving end of all that dick. Saying something like this might help him understand: “You know I love you, honey, and you know I love having sex with you. But if your hole got fucked every time we had ‘sex,’ you wouldn’t want to have ‘sex’ more than four times a week, either.” (I’m putting “sex” in quotes here because your boyfriend defines sex as “vaginal intercourse.” I do not. Oral, handjobs, and visuals-with-a-partner—all of that counts as sex.)

If that doesn’t do the trick, MBIIH, buy your boyfriend a dildo that’s roughly the same size as his dick. Then tell him he can fuck your hole whenever he wants, for as long as he wants—so long as he fucks his own hole first, while you watch, for at least 20 minutes or so. Then he can fuck yours.

That might help him appreciate how good he’s got it.

Never heard of you until a year ago.

I’m into “ball busting”—getting slapped or kicked in the nuts—but my wife was never willing. I did something stupid and saw an escort, just to get my balls busted (no sex), and my wife found out. She was talking about divorce when she told her best friend what was going on. Her friend told her to read your archives first.

You probably don’t hear this from conservative Christian Republicans in red states very often, Mr. Savage, but my sense of honor requires it of me: Thank you for saving my marriage. This “GGG” concept of yours transformed our marriage—it also led my wife to either discover or open up about her kink—and we are happier than ever. It isn’t lost on me that I have a gay man to thank for keeping us from becoming another sad divorce statistic.

Busted And Loving Life Supremely

You’re welcome, BALLS, and all I ask in return for saving your marriage—besides video—is your support for the full legal recognition of mine. Deal?

mail@savagelove.net

290 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. Way to go Dan! You were right on with all of your responses. A lady may absolutely draw the line at puke and getting fucked 4X/week for 2 years, if she wishes. She also has the right to have her wishes respected. With regards to BALLS … I wish more onservative Christian Republicans read your column!

  3. Hi Dan Savage,

    How are you? I do hope that you could answer my question. I am a gay man living in Mississauga, ON. Recently I met a french guy and we ended up in having a “fuck buddy” relationship. This french man is currently in a relationship and I am slowly falling in love with him. To get worse he is about to move to Toronto with his partner as he told me that he is currently looking for apartment in Toronto. I am so conflicted, should I tell this french guy how I feel about him even though I know he would not leave his partner? Pls help!!!

    “Head over heels” (HOH)

  4. I can relate to the lesbian who doesn’t want to use that term to refer to herself. I have gay friends who are offended I don’t use the “g” word self-referentially, but in my case I feel it carries a lot of baggage that doesnt apply just because Iike dudes. if her friends are like mine, they are hung up on the wording and unlikely to let her refer to herself however she wants. To just get along, she could use the “L” word occasionally around them.

  5. Right on Dan, on all responses.
    A lady has every right to refuse puking on her partner, if she so desires, and to have a little more respect for being on the receiving end of cock 4X/week for two years.

    As for BALLS, if only more conservative Christian Republicans read your column, they’d be less concerned about what their neighbors are doing in the sack and more focused on how they can make their own sack more fun!

  6. This made me take a moment to appreciate that I don’t have a more unusual fetish like wanting someone to vomit on me or whatever. Mainly b/c of the awkwardness of bringing it up, admitting it, having to work it into conversation, etc… (“Sooo, speaking of vomit and sex…). Not saying it judgey–just don’t like extra work, I guess.

    jill
    http://inbedwithmarriedwithmarriedwomen.…

  8. I’d love to hear from BALLS here in the comment section (RE his support of gay marriage) — even if his politics are different from mine, he sounds like a nice guy…

  9. It doesn’t sound like PUKE is in a relationship with this guy. Even assuming they’re fuck buddies, I think GGG doesn’t apply — it’s for people with whom you’re building a long term relationship. With casual lays, you just look for the overlap in interests, and if there’s not enough of an overlap, then you find other partners.

    On the specific question, if PUKE is a bit intrigued, they might play around with deep-throating to the point of gagging. I’ve had partners who enjoy that, and we haven’t had any accidental puke incidents yet.

  12. I don’t care if Lesbians call themselves gay or Lesbian, but too many times I’ve heard Lesbians use the phrase “Lesbian woman”, which driven me up the wall.

    A Lesbian by definition is a woman; there is no such thing as a Lesbian man. The phrase Lesbian woman is redundant ladies, so please stop using it!

  13. Why should mbiis boyfriend be happy with a normal amount of sex? Since when is Dan standing up for settling for the norm? Shouldn’t Dan have just been happy with vagina? Normal guys are happy with it.

    If she’s refusing to go past 4 times a week, I’d bet anything she’s acting like numbers 3 and 4 are a heinous chore. So the boyfriend is only getting good sex twice a week.

    As if it matters. Since this is clearly libido mismatch.

    If the guy isn’t happy with what’s being offered, they need to find a solution beyond just accepting the norm. Even if that means partners better suited to their needs.

  14. 7 years into my relationship and once every 3 months would be lucky. I have thrown nearly full boxes of condoms out as they have expired.

  15. PUKE’s male friend gets off on being thrown up on after oral sex?!? Um, like, ew. People do have their kinks, and she’s obviously not in a relationship with this guy, but is it possible that he’s just lying to get a reaction from her?

    @9 EricaP: Good additional suggestions for PUKE!

    @12 You can call me anything you want except late to dinner!

    A+ again, on all responses, Dan! In addition to BALLS, all the best with your marriage, and Happy Holidays!

  16. Actually there are Lesbian men, a rare and elusive group, not defined as a guy who says he’s a lesbian trapped in a man’s body but a man whose lesbian friends all agree that he is a lesbian. Our boifriend is one, he dresses like a lesbian, he loves cats and all the same music, and of course lesbian women. We call him the dyke who can’t take off her strap-on.
    The rainbow has many more shades than you might realize.

  18. @13:

    So, let’s assume that MBIIH is being honest about the amount of sex she’s having with her boyfriend (PiV sex four times a week, plus unlimited blowjobs/handjobs/stripteases), and let’s assume that all of this is joyfully given and she doesn’t act like it’s some sort of “heinous chore.” (Yes, the “heinous chore” scenario is a real possibility, but I don’t agree with you that it’s obviously and irrefutably the case.) If MBIIH isn’t misrepresenting herself and her situation, then her boyfriend would be un-fucking-believably lucky to get that much sex in any other relationship, especially after the getting-to-know-you fuck-frenzy dies down.

    So, if MBIIH’s boyfriend’s only problem in this relationship is that he’s not satisfied with vaginal intercourse four times a week, plus unlimited blowjobs/handjobs/stripteases, then you better fucking believe that he should settle. Holding out for exactly what you want without realistically assessing your options is just plain stupid. I mean, I could hold out for a job with a twenty hour work-week and a seven figure salary, but where would that get me?

  19. @13: I agree with only one statement from your post: that if the insanely horny boyfriend isn’t happy with the sexual relationship he has with his girlfriend who’s understandably pooped after 4 times a week, that he could seek out an equally insanely horny girlfriend.

    However, If I had a boyfriend who insisted on vaginal intercourse morning, noon, and night, and whined like a baby if he couldn’t fuck me wherever, whenever, I’d give him the same answer as Dan’s, too, ya doofus!

    Are you aware that Dan is gay? While he is equally supportive of women as well as men getting the GGG we all deserve, vaginal sex ISN’T his “norm”! That’s like someone telling you that having gay sex is “the norm”, and why aren’t you happy with going to the bathhouses?
    So–do you “normally” hang out in a whorehouse, an alcohol-induced frathouse, meat-market, Cattlemen’s Club, or what?

  21. I would like to suggest that one can refuse ANY request, even one not “a kink too far”, and still be GGG. I think it should mean that we should accept people’s kinks without judgment (although, of course, that does not mean that we have to accept people *acting* on those kinks without judgment when those actions involve others who do not consent or are not capable of consent), that we incorporate those kinks into our sex lives where possible, and that we don’t refuse to try things without a very good reason. Now, ISTM that the standard for a good reason not to engage in puke play or shit play is pretty low–“that’s gross”, “that’s unhealthy”, whatever. The less far the kink, the higher the standard for good reason. But no one who feels really strongly about not doing something should feel that they can’t refuse without being proclaimed un-GGG, if they’re sincere about those reasons and they sincerely try to find ways to accommodate their partner’s desires in other ways.

    Just my two cents.

  22. @13, 18, 19:

    The boyfriend described in MBIIH sounds a lot like me. I can relate. I recognize that some women can’t handle intercourse that often, but as someone who would be pretty miserable getting turned down for PIV the other 10+ times a week, I can attest that there are plenty of women who are willing, able, and eager to fuck more often than that.

    I’m not sure why Dan thinks 4x a week is a massive amount of intercourse and the guy is lucky. If you’re unhappy in a relationship, you feel deprived or there’s a clear sex drive mismatch, it doesn’t really matter if someone else thinks you have a lot of sex and are lucky, or if you have more PIV than the average (which I believe is 2-3x a week). The “norm” is irrelevant if you’re unhappy.

    Wanting PIV more than 4x a week is not the equivalent of wanting a million dollar/year salary. I would be unhappy with 4x a week PIV and I wouldn’t willing to settle for a relationship that leaves me unsatisfied like that. Wanting PIV once or twice a day is not unreasonable at all.

    If a woman’s body can’t handle that, it’s unfortunate and understandable, and it’s not her fault. But it can be a serious problem in a relationship, even if she’s GGG the way the LW is. It’s upsetting to see it dismissed as not that bad. This is a significant sexual incompatibility, it can cause problems, and people definitely have the right to end relationships over it and look for ones that satisfy them. Being single or having non-monogamous relationships can also be a possible solution: the boyfriend in the letter could see someone else the other three days of the week.

    Linguistic note: while the word “sex” includes many different things, the phrase “to have sex” is more specific than that, and is often used to just refer to intercourse.

  23. One thing to add for Good Gay Girl: tearing the hymen probably won’t hurt, but there’s a decent chance that you’ll see a few drops of blood the first time you stick something up your hoo-ha. Just be aware of that so as to avoid staining anything.

  24. @10 Searched “hymen” and checked out a few of the Psychology Today articles that came up since your link is messed up. One author said the bleeding/pain during a woman’s first time couldn’t possibly be because of the hymen, while the other author cautiously suggest it could be, but etc…

    Neither denied the exsistence of the hymen.

    And both were men…which was kinda weird (not saying they’re weird, just expected more female input). Had to admit I was curious since I had the stereotypical pain and bleeding, while a lot of other girls I talked to got off easy. Eh, luck of the draw I guess.

    Anyways…Good Luck GGG!

  25. The link is in 11 and it works. No one said the hymen didn’t exist: the myth is that it’s a freshness seal that pops and always bleeds the first time a woman has intercourse.

  26. BlackRose @22: I thought I’d said something like that, at least concerning how people unhappy in their relationships are deserving of partners (BF, GF, spouses, fuck-buddies, etc.) who will be lovingly open and supportive of fulfilling their sexual needs.

    I never said that having vaginal intercourse et al. more than 4 times a week was unreasonable. The boyfriend of MBIIH sounds like he craves it 24/7.

  27. @23 She probably doesn’t even have to worry about that if she’s ever used tampons. However, I think it’s also worth noting that without enough lube, any woman could see blood afterward, regardless of experience. Unfortunately, I learned that the hard way, and once you have a tear, it is more likely to re-open each time.

    To GGG, I would suggest also doing some reading about how to locate the g-spot based on texture/placement, and work on identifying it with a finger before attempting penetration for pleasure. The first time I ever tried to finger myself (the things I say on SLOG…), it was laughably bad. It didn’t feel anywhere close to good, because I had no idea what I was doing. I also failed to stimulate my clit at all, so that didn’t help! These days, I find nothing as intense as the two sensations combined. Just be patient with yourself, GGG.

  28. Dan, who wrote:

    all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a “fetish too far,” which you’ll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.

    All very well and right, but let’s not forget the flipside: a person who disagrees or refuses to satisfy a sex partner’s fetish also should not thikn less of said sex partner, or react according to stereotypes about ‘the kind of person’ who likes said fetishes, no matter how far they are. It may not be something for you, but it is something for you potential sex partner, and that deserves respect.

    Deal?

  29. @BlackRose, who wrote:

    If you’re unhappy in a relationship, you feel deprived or there’s a clear sex drive mismatch, it doesn’t really matter if someone else thinks you have a lot of sex and are lucky, or if you have more PIV than the average (which I believe is 2-3x a week). The “norm” is irrelevant if you’re unhappy.

    I agree. The big problem is unhappiness: if you are unhappy with a relationship, then you are of course entitled to try to find a solution for it, including (a) adjusting yourself to the relationship (‘it’s better than nothing’), (b) negotiating the terms (‘maybe we can satisfy each other better’), or (c) looking for a new relationship (‘we aren’t really compatible’). It’s up to each individual to decide which path s/he wants to follow, and just pointing at normal and usual solutions in other relationships (‘but 4x a week is enough for most people!’) isn’t going to change anything about the feelings of unhappiness in this one.

    But I wonder if you also think there is such a thing as unreasonable demands (say, ‘too much sex’)? If not 4 times a week, would there be an amount that is reasonably ‘too much’, or is it the case that any amount is simply an individual feature, the real problem being simply the libido mismatch? (I tend in this direction, but I wondered what your opinion would be.)

  30. @26: You said that if your BF wanted intercourse “morning, noon, and night” (i.e., 3 times a day), you’d give him the same answer as Dan’s (which is “I don’t care if you’re unhappy; you’re lucky to have what you have and you lack perspective.”) I don’t think that’s a useful answer for the reasons ankylosaur said. But Echizen was the one who said it’s unreasonable to demand PIV more than 4x/week.

    @29: There are definitely unreasonable demands. For a demand to be unreasonable it has to be a problem even if both people are consenting to it; otherwise, it’s just a mismatch. Examples of unreasonable demands would be “Don’t ever leave this room or speak for the rest of your life,” “Cut your arm off,” and similar sorts of things we’d recognize as abuse as opposed to consensual BDSM.

    But I don’t think any demand about frequency of sex falls in this category.

    On an off topic note, can I ask you about what you said in another thread about the D/s thing where you had to earn a kiss from someone? I’m interested in how someone could do that while dealing with the social baggage around it: the whole idea that men shouldn’t be submissive or that it’s pathetic or unattractive to have to earn sex.

  31. @30:

    I should clarify: I think expecting PiV more than 4x per week (on top of unlimited blowjobs/handjobs/stripteases) is unreasonable, or at least verging on unreasonable, only in the purely practical sense. I certainly don’t think it’s ethically unreasonable (like it would be to expect somebody to cut their arm off or remain in silent isolation for the rest of their life); I simply think it’s not likely to happen. Wanting the amount of sex MBIIH’s partner supposedly wants seems like, oh, I don’t know, wanting a great one-bedroom apartment in downtown Manhattan for $800 a month. I’m not saying it’s an absolute impossibility, and I’m not saying it’s wrong to dream about it; I’m just saying, good bloody luck finding it. (Based on your response, maybe I’m underestimating the odds of him finding what he’s looking for, but I’m sure you get my point.)

    Upon further reflection, I suppose that part of my non-sympathy for MBIIH’s boyfriend has to do with the fact that I’m a total, unmitigated dyke, and therefore I don’t prioritize PiV sex the way that he apparently does. It’s difficult for me to imagine having unlimited access to oral and manual sex from somebody I found attractive and still being massively sexually unsatisfied, y’know?

    On a side note, I can think of demands for frequency of sex that I would call unreasonable, hypothetically speaking. If someone expected sex every hour, on the hour, including hours when their partner was sleeping or working, that would pretty inevitably cause major problems in their partner’s life, even if s/he were consenting.

  32. Personally, I think PIV sex takes less out of you than oral sex and hand jobs.

    If I’m not in the mood, but he is, I’d prefer to lie on my back and get fucked.

    YMMV.

  34. Love your advice for PUKE!
    I was in a similar situation once – an ex-boyfriend of mine had a fetish for women drinking lots of carbonated drinks (1,5 liters and more) before sex so he could feel and hear it “splashing around inside”, and I was GGG about it. But after we overdid it one time and I threw up all over my breasts (a horrific experience for me, but he came seeing it), he wanted to do it that way every single time and couldn’t understand why I never wanted to do it again.
    Being GGG is one thing, doing things that freak you out just so your partner gets off is quite another.

  35. @3 Tell him.

    You’re losing this relationship regardless (he’s moving away) so you have nothing new to lose by telling him. If he can’t or won’t have any deeper feelings for you and you’re in love with him then the relationship will bring you a lot of pain is it goes on. It will be better to know that now.

    Yes, he might dump you. If he doesn’t love you and never will and you’re always going to be just a fuck buddy then that would probably be the most ethical thing for him to do. Then you can go find someone to fall in love with who can love you back. But maybe he’s capable of being emotionally open as well as sexually open in his current relationship (assuming he’s not a CPOS) and you could end up working out a long-distance poly arrangement.

    Good luck

  36. Here’s what stands out for me in MBIH’s letter. Nevermind the specific amounts of sex. Nevermind the specific sex acts whether it’s PIV or blowjobs or whatever. This is a guy who gets cranky when he doesn’t get what he wants, who uses all or nothing terms like “never” when he doesn’t get what he wants (and it’s clearly not the case), who uses emotionally manipulative phrases like “you don’t want to” when he doesn’t get what he wants, and has somehow turned the relationship into one where she feels guilty a lot for making the same point over and over.

    In a mature relationship, they’d negotiate, come to an agreement, and stick to it. But she’s stated her needs clearly. She’s made reasonable accomodations to compromise, and he’s acting like an immature, manipulative prick.

    I want to ask her how they do with other disagreements because right now I’m ready to advise her to dump him already.

  37. GGG raises a question I’ve been curious about. What is it about the term lesbian? I don’t like it either, but I can’t figure out why. It has no bad associations for me, but I seem to be like a lot of people who hate the word

  38. Re: posts about “normal” & “norms”

    There is a distinction between what is normal and what is typical.

    People are not typically homosexual, but homosexuality is totes normal.

  39. I’ve met more than one woman who has dis-owned the term “lesbian.” I wonder if our language is evolving at the grass roots level. One woman I know chose “woman loving woman” (yes, both singular).

  40. Some thoughts about Mr Balls:

    * It is rather amusing – almost Biblical – that one of the “Enemy” (or at least “Despised”) has done more for him than all the Defenders of Traditional Marriage put together.

    * Why “my sense of honour requires it from me”? It sounds conscientious but a bit grudging. At least he seems willing to consider further efforts.

    * I can do without the video, thanks. But if it’s of interest to Mr Savage, well, that can just be filed away under Potentially Interesting Things to Know. Or was it a sort of courtesy request, like carding a mother after one has just carded her daughter?

    * In the spirit of annoyance that same-sexers have to jump through all these hoops for decent treatment that ought not to have to be “earned”, one wonders how many more OS marriages Mr Savage will have to save to produce any momentum. I have deleted a piece of speculation about what would have happened had Mrs Balls not abandoned the divorce.

    * I’m guessing the request will prove a Deal Too Far, but, Mr Balls, if you’re reading, please prove me wrong.

    * And, should the request prove a Deal Doable, what form(s) of support can reasonably be requested that don’t require giant steps that might plausibly be beyond him?

  41. @36 Exactly. The idea that he whines about how she NEVER has sex with him is ridiculous. 4 times a week may not be enough, but it’s certainly not “never”.

    @BlackRose: I definitely agree that saying someone wants too much sex is unfair. Everyone is different, and therefore the amount they want is unique to them. I believe in every relationship you have to weigh the satisfaction you have in each facet and determine if you’re willing to lack in one because it’s made up in another.

    For example, I’m sure there are some people who are so emotionally satisfied that they’re willing to overlook the fact that they aren’t getting sex nearly as often as they’d like, and the opposite is also true. A friend of mine often says that she’s willing to put up with a lot more bullshit from the person giving her regular orgasms than from anyone else.

    Unfortunately, we don’t know much about what the rest of the LW’s relationship is like. I wish we could, because there are a lot more than physical reasons to not want sex more often. Personally, I consider sex to be much more important than my bf does. He considers it “icing on the cake” to the relationship, I consider it more an integral part. This means that I tend to want it more often than he does, however, there are still times where I’ll decide against it if I’m feeling like we need to focus more on communication.

    Also, because we work VERY opposite shifts, we only get to see each other a couple hours a day, and, try as we might, sex doesn’t always manage to fit into those hours. Quickies are not an option for us, unfortunately, so unless we can dedicate the majority of the time we have to sex, we have to “settle” for just hanging out and hoping to get a moment another time. (Last night for example, we both ended up wanting sex, but he had to leave for work in 15 minutes, so we weren’t able to act on it).

    While I don’t think it’s fair for someone to withhold sex as a punishment, would you agree that if other parts of the relationship need worked on, they might need to be the focal point @ that moment?

  42. Interesting to know that tearing the hymen ‘rarely hurts with any severity.’ Because it DID hurt, for me. SEVERELY. In a curl up in the fetal position kind of way. Glad to know I’m rare, because it SUCKED.

    Also, @37–I hate the term ‘lesbian’, too, and I CAN explain why I hate it. Maybe something will resonate for you in my explanation.

    What I dislike about the term lesbian is the inherent exoticism of it. I mean, it’s an island in Greece. It’s a group title based off of poetry which is incomplete and bisexual at best. It’s orientalism. It’s obfuscation. It’s a pretty euphemism. Women don’t screw other women, they write loooove poetry and siiiigh. It has just always struck me as, like, what they came up with in the victorian period as a modern equivalent to frat boys watching lesbian porn. It seems like it’s not about the women, it’s about the male eye on the women. You know? I’m not sure if I’m saying it well. It’s early.

  43. On the subject of referential labels (gay, lesbian, etc) – for what it’s worth, I’m a gay man who hates the word queer; in fact I find it much more offensive than the word faggot. Queer is what most folks (including adults) called me when I was growing up. I especially hate it when gay people use it (in an inverse-empowerment way) around me. It’s mostly women who do it, and I usually call them a cunt and then I smile and say “Like how that felt?”

  44. Hmm…I don’t think PIV 4x a week is a lot but really, if that’s what she’s game for and she is helping him get off other ways, then mis-match or not, she’s not being unreasonable in declining him. I’m thrilled my GF and I are at about 5x a week – some days none, and some days 2x – but I suspect she’d be up for twice daily. It’s a new relationship, so we’ll see how this endures.

    The puking thing is clearly more than three standard deviations from the hetero-normative PIV norm and well into the territory of unusual kink. While it’s not any grosser than, for example, fecal matter from anal (not terribly kinky), the demand on one partner is pretty extreme and perhaps very uncomfortable. In other words, it’s a big request.

  45. I don’t mean to be judgmental, but there are some kinks that I just can’t fathom. Getting punched in the balls hurts intensely. Up until now I’ve never even heard of any testicle owning human being that doesn’t spare any measure to avoid it.

  46. GGG always seemed like a useful concept, but it irritates me that so many people take it as gospel, especially to the point where they accuse their partner of being some kind of evil infidel if the partner doesn’t want to do everything they say. I thought GGG is supposed to be something encouraging to people (as in the case of BALLS’s wife), not ammunition for manipulating your partner, or a reason to feel shamed and guilty (as in the case of MBIIH). Is sexuality a cult? Is Dan the supreme judge who’s going to bless everyone’s sexual relationships or damn them? I don’t think so, but an awful lot of letter writers seem to be almost fundamentalist about GGG.

  47. I like “dyke.” “Gay” is okay, as are “queer” and “homo.” I’m not too crazy about “lesbian” as a noun. I HATE “lesbian” as an adjective.

  48. @ 3: I may not be Dan, but I may be able to be of help with your dilemma.

    If you are certain that this man does not have the same feelings for you, and that he will not leave his current relationship, etc., then go easy on yourself and allow yourself time to regroup, or maybe even to grieve. It’s always a dicey spot to be in, being in love with something, or someone unattainable.

    It’s hard to find room to be not only honest with yourself, but also to find some grace and kindness along the way to be able to really learn from what you experience..

    I’d say just accept it flat-out that he will be in a relationship with someone else other than you and to listen to your heart somehow.

    Be kind to yourself. It’s easy to forget sometimes. Hang in there. Take care..

  49. I like the comment that you can put up with more BS from someone supplying orgasms. Agreed. In fact, it is the downfall of many when taken to the extreme.

  50. Color me conservative but being in a relationship from the age of 18 to 20, with someone who wants to do nothing but have sex, and subsequently moving in together, does not sound like a well thought out idea. That relationship is heading towards splitsville.

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