I’m a 21-year-old woman from Canada who sleeps with other women. Two questions for you:
1. My LGBT friends and I disagree about what we girls who sleep with girls exclusively should call ourselves. Everyone else prefers “lesbian” and bitches at me for hating that word. Can’t I call myself gay?
2. I am a really kinky person: I’ve been very sexually active and into BDSM since I was 16. I have a large toy collection and many of the toys are dildos and anal plugs. I like anal a lot, but the thought of vaginal just doesn’t interest me, so I’ve never gone there. I’ve read about how breaking the hymen can hurt and—despite the fact that I enjoy being flogged and scratched—that scares me a little. Should I get over it and go to town or stick with everything else that works for me?
Good Gay Girl
1. You can call yourself whatever you like, GGG, and your friends can call themselves whatever they like. They’re entitled to their opinions, however, along with their preferred labels. Friends should be able to discuss their differing opinions and preferences without bitching and/or being so thin-skinned that a calm discussion about a sensitive subject is mistaken for bitching.
2. “Tearing the hymen doesn’t always hurt and rarely hurts with any severity,” says Debby Herbenick, sex researcher, vulva puppeteer, and coauthor (with Vanessa Schick) of Read My Lips: A Complete Guide to the Vagina and Vulva. “Going slow with a smallish, well-lubricated dildo is a good place to start, or two or three well-lubricated fingers. Doing this while highly aroused sets you up for a better experience.”
But before you explore vaginal penetration, GGG, Herbenick recommends a trip to your nearest female-friendly sex-toy shop.
“If most of your toys have been used in the anus/rectum,” says Herbenick, “it would be wise to get a new vagina toy.”
And if you’re broke?
“Then put a condom over a clean anal toy or clean a nonporous (glass, medical-grade silicone) anal toy before using it in the sensitive vagina,” says Herbenick.
While most women enjoy vaginal penetration, GGG, not all women do. (And most women who enjoy vaginal penetration require additional, focused, and intense stimulation of the clit in order to get off.) If you decide vaginal penetration isn’t for you, that’s also a preference to which you’re entitled.
I was chatting with a guy, and he mentioned that one time this girl accidentally vomited all over him during oral sex. He confessed that this turned him on. I consider myself GGG, but that is not something I’m game for. The thought of puking in a sexual scenario is completely unappealing. Does my refusal to do this revoke my GGG card? Or is this so out of the norm that I can refuse without losing my GGG card?
Pleasing Upchucking = Kinky Extremism?
Let’s revisit my original definition of GGG: “GGG stands for good, giving, and game, which is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners. Think good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason.”
Some kinksters skip past the “within reason” part of the definition when they’re discussing kinks with vanilla partners. They shouldn’t. Extreme bondage or SM, shit and puke, emotionally tricky humiliation play, demanding that your partner have sex with other people because it turns you on (asking your partner to assume all of the physical risks that go along with that, to say nothing of the emotional risks for a partner who isn’t interested in having sex with other people), etc.—all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a “fetish too far,” which you’ll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.
I’m a 20-year-old female college student living with my 23-year-old boyfriend. We’ve been dating for two years, and our sex life has always been awesome. My boyfriend has a high libido, so high that I can’t always get him off when he wants it. He says I don’t want to have sex with him, when we have sex probably four times a week and I’m totally happy to give him head, jerk him off, or take off my clothes for him any other time he asks. Whenever we sit down together, he’s immediately horny and he gets cranky when I have to say no. Is this a ridiculously high libido? I try to be GGG, and he does the same for me, but I hate feeling guilty about not having sex with him constantly. I’ve started just telling him to masturbate to porn, and he does it willingly but usually whines a little first about how I “never” want to have sex. Totally false! My body just can’t take it every day. What do I do?
My Boyfriend Is Incredibly Horny
At two years, your boyfriend is getting vaginal intercourse four times a week, MBIIH, along with handjobs, blowjobs, and you standing there naked whenever he likes? Plus a cheerful okay to watch porn and jerk it whenever he feels the need?
You’re not trying to be GGG, MBIIH, you are GGG.
Your boyfriend doesn’t realize how good he’s got it. He isn’t lacking for sex; what he lacks is perspective. He clearly doesn’t understand or appreciate what it’s like to be on the receiving end of all that dick. Saying something like this might help him understand: “You know I love you, honey, and you know I love having sex with you. But if your hole got fucked every time we had ‘sex,’ you wouldn’t want to have ‘sex’ more than four times a week, either.” (I’m putting “sex” in quotes here because your boyfriend defines sex as “vaginal intercourse.” I do not. Oral, handjobs, and visuals-with-a-partner—all of that counts as sex.)
If that doesn’t do the trick, MBIIH, buy your boyfriend a dildo that’s roughly the same size as his dick. Then tell him he can fuck your hole whenever he wants, for as long as he wants—so long as he fucks his own hole first, while you watch, for at least 20 minutes or so. Then he can fuck yours.
That might help him appreciate how good he’s got it.
Never heard of you until a year ago.
I’m into “ball busting”—getting slapped or kicked in the nuts—but my wife was never willing. I did something stupid and saw an escort, just to get my balls busted (no sex), and my wife found out. She was talking about divorce when she told her best friend what was going on. Her friend told her to read your archives first.
You probably don’t hear this from conservative Christian Republicans in red states very often, Mr. Savage, but my sense of honor requires it of me: Thank you for saving my marriage. This “GGG” concept of yours transformed our marriage—it also led my wife to either discover or open up about her kink—and we are happier than ever. It isn’t lost on me that I have a gay man to thank for keeping us from becoming another sad divorce statistic.
Busted And Loving Life Supremely
You’re welcome, BALLS, and all I ask in return for saving your marriage—besides video—is your support for the full legal recognition of mine. Deal?
@9 and @45 If it exists, somebody has fetishized it.
In the gay world, there are lines of videos for the fetishes mentioned above. There is a guy who releases videos under the name Shotgun videos (or at least used to) that are dedicated to ballbusting and ONLY ballbusting. There is also a line of videos called Gag the Fag dedicated to gagging and puking guys with oral.
And, if this porn exists in the gay world, it most definitely exists in the straight world. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen video covers of gagging girls with huge cocks or guys getting their balls busted by a dominatrix. Also, ball stomping porn exists, but I have no names for any series of either.
Anyways, PUKE’s letter makes it sound like it was just a like of his that came up casually in conversation. Not even one that he wanted her to do necessarily. Just that he liked it. It probably makes him think his dick is HUMUNGINORMOUS. If he’s worth dating, he’d be understanding if you never did it, or wanted to do it.
And, yay to BALLS for getting hit in the balls AND staying married for it.
BlackRose @22 referred to the average amount of PIV as roughly 2-3x a week.
From the Kinsey Institute I find the following:
In the 18-24 y/o range, 45% of married men report PIV 2-3x a week (and 20% report 4x or more) although married women in that age disagree somewhat (35% say 2-3 times, and 24% say 4x or more).
But that’s the only group where it’s so high.
After age 25, married men and women all report averages of “A few times per month to weekly” http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/resources/FAQ…
Wiki says 2-3 times/week is average, but they don’t break it down by age.
Does anyone have research saying married couples in the US, over age 25, average more than 1x/week?
@12 i would venture to guess that yes there are male “Lesbians,” that is – men from the island of Lesbos 😉
DAN: “all of that falls under the FTF exclusion, or a “fetish too far,” which you’ll find in the fine print on the back of your GGG card, PUKE.”
Where did PUKE get her GGG card? I didn’t even know that it was a thing that exists! I want one SO BAD! Where do I get one? Any price is worth it! And there are only 24 shopping days til Christmas, too!
But, averages aside, I agree with BlackRose that averages don’t matter if you’re not happy with how much you get.
When trying to figure out if two people are compatible in that way, I wonder if it helps for them to pay attention to who initiates? If the guy is always the initiator, that may seem fine to both in year 1, but it will probably become an issue by year 4 or 5. Before marriage, he might want to ease off on initiating, to see if she picks up the slack or is happy with a lower frequency. Because if she’s mostly doing it for him, and doesn’t want it herself more than 1/week, he should probably understand that the frequency is likely to go down after a few years.
Unless of course, she’s uncomfortable initiating.
ankylosaur @28 “a person who disagrees or refuses to satisfy a sex partner’s fetish also should not think less of said sex partner.”
I think that’s the argument for mentioning your kinks early in a relationship. If you like to think about incest, your partner may not only not want to participate, but may be squicked by the idea that you are fantasizing about your sister (or even a fictional sister). Or poop, or snuff, or whatever. Her squicks aren’t likely to change, regardless of how GGG she wants to be. (GGG means you’re “game” to try things you don’t think you’ll like. It doesn’t mean you can control your reactions.) So tell people early, and get out of relationships where your partner clearly is disgusted by your kink.
#50 – “splitville” – are you visiting us from 1978?
@#50 – “splitsville”? – are you visiting us from 1978?
@30 Black Rose: I still basically agree with Dan. As I said in a previous post, MBIIH’s boyfriend, although I haven’t actually met him and don’t know him personally, appears to have a sexually insatiable appetite and seems more than willing to go 24/7. Going 24/7 is what I find unreasonable, not over whether or not a relationship can be worked out. If his girlfriend considers him “lucky to have what he has at 4 times a week” and he’s still unhappy, he has the option to go elsewhere, and so does she.
Anklosaur makes some good points in trying to make the existing relationship work. I’d like to see that happen before a breakup over how much some guy was–or wasn’t–getting.
If you know of other conservative Christians who would like to get kicked in the balls, I know several people who are ready and eager to oblige.
@12: De-essentialized identities, postmodern bodies, etc. Google [“male lesbian” “queer theory”] or even just [“male lesbian”] (you need the quotes to do the phrase search and narrow the results).
Somewhat briefly: the decoupling of the body from sex- and gender-identity inherent to trans politics allows for the possibility of male lesbians or lesbian men. It might help to consider the “political lesbian” of the Second Wave, which proposed “lesbian” as a category not of sexual practice (or even necessarily gender, though in the Seventies it was restricted to women) but of political identification and affiliation.
The problem basically comes down to the fact that constructing groups or categories is an exercise in power, and some will object to the inherent in-group/out-group delineations (and some of them not just to be contrarian but because they really do think they’re being unfairly/inaccurately defined/included/excluded by whomever is drawing the lines). Because our understandings of even physical characteristics and systems are socially-constructed, pretty much any lexical or categorical definition can be contested (depending on one’s perspectives and the specifics of the case in question, one may view such a contestation as legitimate or not), hence the lesbian man/male lesbian, which claims a sexual identity or sexual gender decoupled from the body and/or gender.
Sorry, I’m still at a bit of a loss here. Who gets to determine what it’s reasonable to be game for? The people who have trouble getting outside of their comfort zones? The whiny little bitches who demand that their partners do things that they’re uncomfortable with (often without taking the time to educate themselves or their partners about the physical and/or emotional implications of whatever weird or nasty thing they want to do or trying to look at things from their partner’s point of view (e.g. PUKE’s boyfriend), followed by withdrawing from the relationship if they don’t get their way or cheating on their partner (e.g., BALLS’ infidelity (incidentally, exactly the sort of behavior I’ve come to expect from people who go out of their way to identify as Christians (no offense to Christians out there who aren’t self-serving hypocrites with self-control or moral fiber deficiences))? The hive mind of terminally sex-pre-occupied, under-inhibited blowhards with entitlement issues? The hive mind of the overly prudish and moralistic bedroom monitors? Dan Savage?
@62: I hope you’re not implying that a lack of a hymen in someone that thinks she’s a virgin means she was molested at a young age… (b/c the way you worded your post kind of sounds like you might think that). Of course there are women who were born without hymens; tampons can widen already existing holes in hymens; bike riding and horseback riding are often cited as causes for broken hymens…
@30: I still basically agree with Dan. Anklosaur makes some good points about trying to make a relationship work.
My observation is that MBIIH’s boyfriend, although I have never actually met him and don’t know him personally, appears to have an insatiable sexual appetite and seems to want it 24/7. Anyone wanting sex 24/7 is what I find unreasonable.
If MBIIH’s boyfriend is unhappy, he has the option of seeking out a partner who will fulfill his needs, just as MBIIH does. I’d rather see this couple work out the relationship than break up because of what he was–or wasn’t—getting.
Sorry for the double post!!
I don’t see how breaking that 4 times a week is logistically difficult. I’m at 8 or 9 even though I work 50-80 hours a week.
Working out more than an hour a day is common. Sex doesn’t take more than an hour.
@38: Also, ‘norms’ are coercive social/cultural standards that may or may not have anything to do with what is typical or normal or even possible (for example, our beauty norms are so disconnected from reality at this point that most advertisements for beauty products digitally alter the photographs they use because what we consider most beautiful is actually impossible to achieve in reality).
@43: So your response to someone else’s use of a self-label or a label for others that’s widely understood (but not universally, as your own experience demonstrates) to be non-derogatory when used without derogatory intent is to intentionally attempt to offend people with a label that is widely understood (but not universally) to be a hateful derogatory term? You’re a fucking asshole. What you ought to do is tell them that the term bothers you and politely ask them to refrain from using it around you. If they don’t, then they’re being assholes too, but your described response is completely unwarranted, as is your hegemonic assertion that everyone adopt your personal understanding and use of language based on your (sad and unfair, to be sure) personal history of trauma. The fact that something bad happened to you doesn’t give you free license to be a vindictive fuck nor dictate everyone’s language use. Also, you may need to train yourself to recognize the fact that context and intent are important factors in the meanings of terms and try to overcome your knee-jerk reaction. A formal discipline like Queer Theory becomes impossible to discuss with/around you if you cannot abide the term ‘queer’ under any circumstances.
@62: Hormonal changes during puberty and everyday activity actually wear the vaginal corona (the new terminology that challenges the history of a male-dominated medical establishment defining women’s bodies for them) or hymen away even without any sort of vaginal penetration. While tearing of remaining coronal tissue can occur during penetrative sexual intercourse, this isn’t limited to the first time one engages in vaginal penetration (nor does it necessarily occur, as the coronal tissue is quite flexible), and bleeding can be a result of tearing of vaginal tissues other than coronal tissue, especially if the woman in question is not sufficiently aroused and/or there is little or no vaginal lubrication.
For more info on the corona/hymen shaped by science and not the cultural myths about ‘virginity’ please see Scarleteen (includes a cartoony anatomical drawing that may be NSFYW): http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/m…
In regards to Good, Gay, Girl: don’t forget your G spot! It’s a great way to enjoy vaginal play.
BALLS — is awesome!
One bit I’d add to the GGG on the puke — I do note he was trusting/comfortable enough to tell her about how it did turn him on. If that happened to me, I’d be firm about not wanting to go “there” and I’d also let him know that I valued his trust in telling me.
As for the whole lesbian/label thing etc, I dunno. Granted I’m bi but I’ve always sorta not cared for “lesbian” — it’s very clinical. “Gay woman” works fine for me, tho it’s annoying that while you’ll see “gay men”, “gays” alone generally implies men. Meh. But I agree everyone gets to call themselves what they like. And the nonsexual GGG 😉 response is to honor those wishes per person…
Hymens are weird things. I know of women who never had a single issue with it, and others who had to have sex several times before it went away. There doesn’t seem to be a rhyme or reason to it.
It’s funny that when someone doesn’t want any sex, Dan always refers them to a doctor. I would think that someone who wants sex all the time should do the same. There’s something absurd about not being able to be sexually satisfied and then whining and exaggerating about not getting sex enough even though it sounds like he gets an orgasm at least once a day through some type of stimulation. This man sounds like a bottomless sex pit. I’m sure he’d learn something if he talked to a doctor and got some tests done to see why he needs sex that often. I’m sure his life would be a lot happier that if instead of wanting sex all the time, he wanted it once, and whether he spanked it or got some PIV, or whatever, he was satisfied. Why would you want to keep torturing yourself with being that horny all the time?
@69 Logistically, working 50-80 hrs a week wouldn’t hinder sexual opportunity. But when you have 2 people who work very opposite shifts (as I mentioned in my post 41) sometimes you only get 2 hours a day together. You can’t spend ALL of your time having sex, you need to be able to connect in other ways too. And most of the time, yes, it does take over an hour. Sometimes I miss quickies.
To MBIIH. There are alot of woderful people out there. Time to ditch the MF and find someone who can really appreciate you. By the way, R U willing to share your contact info!!!!!!
@19/31
“who’s understandably pooped after 4 times a week”
Jeez, it’s not like running a marathon or anything. That’s not even once a day.
If I were in a situation where I had access to oral and manual in unlimited amounts but was only allowed to have PIV 4 times a week I would dump that guy soooo fast.
@27
I’d have to disagree with that. I used tampons before having sex and I most DEFINITELY felt the hymen break the first time I had sex. It wasn’t painful (or at least it wasn’t enough pain over and above the pain of penetration for me to notice) but there was definitely a struggle involved. The look on his face when he broke it is one of those things that I will always remember.
I’m just saying that its still possible to have a hymen-breaking experience after tampon use – this is also outlined if you read the box.
@41
Oh come on, like you’ve never exaggerated.
@67
“Anyone wanting sex 24/7 is what I find unreasonable.”
Oh hai! Maybe I think not wanting sex 24/7 is unreasonable. How about that? :p
Re: 4x/week. When we’re young, we tend to have this romantic notion that we’ll find the right person that we have everything in common with, that we’ll never have a reason to fight or disagree, and that we’ll live happily ever after. How often we have sex fits into this fantasy if we think about it. As we get older, we realize (I hope) that making a relationship work is as much or more about learning ways to negotiate, compromise, disagree, and fight fair, than it is about finding that magical person.
That’s what disturbs me about MBIIH’s letter. I see no evidence of conflict resolution. It almost doesn’t matter what the conflict is about. This time it’s about frequency of sex, but it could be about how to do the laundry.
Dan’s answer is good in one sense. He suggests a way to make it clear to the boyfriend that he’s being unreasonable. I guess you could say he suggests a method of conflict resolution, but it’s a terrible one. You’re demanding something I don’t like so I’ll demand something that you’re sure not to like, and that way you’ll know how I feel? It’s ridiculous. PIV sex in the right amount feels good to this straight young woman. (At least, I suppose so. She doesn’t say it outright.) But anal sex is sure to feel bad to that straight man in any amount. It’s not a fair comparison.
Besides, it’s not going to work on that immature jerk. Sex in a relationship is supposed to be about making each other feel good on some level. (Yeah, I know we tend to get into trouble for sweeping generalizations, but cut me a break for that one.) This guy doesn’t sound interested in making his girlfriend feel good. He sounds interested in using her for sex. Unless he comes around, or unless he’s incredible in some way I’m not seeing, dump him.
@22- Desiring what you desire isn’t unreasonable, it’s all in how you handle it. But I don’t know where you (and @69) think having sex 2x/day or working out more than an hour a day isn’t unusual. I freely admit we may just move in completely different circles, but I hang out with a lot of open-minded sex-positive people. I’ve known probably 2 people in my life who worked out more than one hour a day, and to my knowledge I’ve *never* known someone who was having sex 2x/day after they had been dating someone over a year. Those things just *aren’t* common. I don’t doubt some people do, or that some people desire it. Just don’t try to make it sound like it happens all the time.
“So tell people early, and get out of relationships where your partner clearly is disgusted by your kink.”
Great, great advice!
@77 lol, of COURSE I’ve exaggerated. I think its human nature, even if we try not to. BUT, I still think if her letter is accurate and he regularly states that they never have sex, that’s more than exaggerating.
For example, I might say after a week of rarely seeing my bf that we never have sex anymore. I don’t say it if we had sex the night before.
@10/11 Sorry, somehow missed you there and misinterpeted you. I must have been on a roll last night.
@25 Thanks! I blame abstinence only sex ed for that one.
Jesus Dan, have you forgotten what it’s like to be a 22 year old boy with hormones raging? When I was that age I was fucking my girlfriend twice a day, every day plus jacking off when she wasn’t around. I guess I was lucky to find a girl with an equal dose of hormoes and a puss made of industrial grade shoe leather. Good thing I married her. Now, 32 years later we’re finally slowing down to the 4x per week that you think is normal. Whew… good to know we’re finally normal in your eyes.
My personal take on the limits of GGG are that if it produces a sensation that you as the recipient of that sensation find unpleasant, you don’t have to agree to have it inflicted on you in order to keep your GGG card. It’s your damned body, after all.
For the LW, the (hypothetical) BF gets to enjoy all the puke he wants, as long as he either is the one doing the puking, or he finds someone who enjoys the sensation of being made to gag/puke. That isn’t the LW, and she no more forfeits her GGG card for refusing that than she would be for refusing to be the target of a beating or a cattle prod.
GGG should be about being willing to do things for (or to) the person who wants them, not about being willing to have things done to you that you don’t want. Even in that context, however, “a fetish too far” still applies, as does “reasonable things in unreasonable quantities.”
Kudos to BALLS for not immediately discarding anything some faggot on the internet had to say. Being open to new information and perspectives from people you’re normally segregated from ideologically isn’t common or easy. If Bill O’Reilly said something wise and useful (for once), I admit I’d have a damned hard time accepting and using it no matter how true it might be.
The world’s a better place for rational, open-minded people, even when we disagree about most things. Enjoy your rejuvenated marriage, BALLS. You’ve earned it.
(And yes, it would of course be polite to return the favor as Dan suggested.)
I don’t imagine I’ll ever get a better chance to tell “everyone” about my amazing girlfriend. When we started having sex, it was every day if possible, several times when logistically feasible. Nearly a year later, we still try, but sometimes we need to sleep or work. Of course, sometimes we get to work late… And, she wants it at least as much as I do, and is always ready and willing if I am. If anything, only the number of times I can repeat in a day holds us up, not her willingness!
So, yes, finding someone this amazing AND this sexually compatible is important. (I mentioned she was amazing too, right?)
That is all!
avast@84 – I don’t agree with your distinction about who is feeling what. If I can’t stand hurting someone, or diapering them, I don’t have to do it, even though nothing is being done to me.
Here’s my take on GGG: Start by dating people with similar interests. If you’re vanilla, avoid dating the local dungeon master; if you’re poly, avoid dating insecure monogamous people.
Then, to be GGG, each person agrees to experiment a bit beyond their comfort zone, and keep an open mind. You’re trying to see if you can enjoy things you didn’t think you would enjoy, when you see your partner’s look of delight. If you hate it, and you’ve tried it a few times, then you stop. Maybe you try it again after you figure out more about your arousal patterns, or when you’re feeling very generous, or maybe not.
And you each realize that if you demand that your partner go far beyond their comfort zone, or keep doing things they’ve tried and hated – that’s likely to destroy the relationship. So if you like the relationship, you keep your requests within what the other person finds reasonable. Ideally, both people feel brave and generous; both people feel their absolute needs are being met. If not, it may not be a question of GGG, it may be an issue of incompatibility.
@78 – “This guy doesn’t sound like he’s interested in making his girlfriend feel good. He sounds like he’s interested in using her for sex.”
BINGO! Even the letter writer says something like “Whenever we sit down together, he’s immediately horny…” She isn’t capable of sitting down, putting her feet up and just hanging out with the BF, because he’s immediately demanding to pop his load in or on her. Even the most willing GGG person on the planet would start to resent that kind of behavior. And she’s in college! Try studying with a needy boy pestering you for sex constantly.
Honey, take control of your own life. Tell him to bug off, and get yourself through school. Play around if you want to, but at your age, your life should be about YOU. So don’t make any super-serious commitments. Once you graduate, if you want to try to pick it back up with this boy, then that’s great. But that’s a decision for the future.
the hymen is not a myth. it just isn’t the same for everybody. mine was incredibly painful to break (at 19, after years of sexual experience), it was like an operation, and I bled for two days. So there.
@87:
EricaP and I have disagreed a lot over time, but this take on what constitutes GGGness by her definition, and how to address sexual incompatibility is intelligent and thoughtful.
First person experience: hymens are real. And yes, can bleed (more than just a little) and hurt more than just a little.
I’ve spoken to lots of friends who have had different experiences, but to say that hymens can’t (for some) be a real… barrier… is quite false.
I can’t believe there hasn’t been a comment so far along the lines of “Come get your GGG cards here! (websitename)” The person who finally does that is going to make a killing. (I’m not willing to take this on, sorry.)
After 25 years of marriage and both of us pushing 50 we are at about 4X per week. We have gone through dry spells because of various illnesses and prescription drugs, but have held pretty solid for the last few years. My wife would like more, but that is about my limit without “enhancement” (which can result in that 4x being per day). I don’t think it is too much of a reach to find someone who would be up for every day.
Being pissy about it though is a bit out of line.
“Even the most willing GGG person on the planet would start to resent that kind of behavior. And she’s in college! Try studying with a needy boy pestering you for sex constantly.”
Wrong and wrong.
1. I wouldn’t resent it.
2. I’m a student with a relatively demanding courseload. Sex helps me focus! My grades suffer if I can’t have sex for a stretch. Yeah exams/midterms/etc sometimes mean I can’t spend lots of time with other people…. but that means that I cut out the other stuff, not the sex. Not everyone is the same.
@87
I think you’re probably right.
It’s funny because I don’t know if I would meet Dan’s criteria for GGG but I’ve never had any problems in real life. I wonder.
Regarding the first letter this week (11/30/11). Does anyone here ever use the a-word–addict? If this guy cannot sit down with his GGG without its turning sexual, could anyone at least entertain the notion that he is a sex addict? I know this is a tricky question in a sex-negative culture. However it is at least a possibility. I don’t know when high libido separates from addiction, but if it is, then no matter how much sex this guy gets, it will never be enough. I think that this GGG is being amazing, or maybe she is enabling. At least consider it.
@12 and @64:
To put it simply, the problem is adjective vs. noun. People say “lesbian woman” because they’re trying to make “lesbian” the adjective that it should be. Minority groups don’t like being named by others and then having that name applied to them as a noun. If you don’t understand what I’m saying, substitute the word “black.” How does it sound when someone says, “oh, the blacks like to eat fried chicken, don’t they?” It sounds horribly racist. But it’s ok to use the word “lesbians” in the same manner. I saw an episode of Law and Order recently in which an attorney said, “well, the lesbians won’t help us, so we have to go back to the other witnesses.” Would it have been okay on national TV for him to have said, “well, the blacks won’t help us” ??? I doubt it.
There’s also a history of the word “lesbians” being used as the butt of jokes by straight people in pop culture. That may be another reason why women-lovin’-women such as myself HATE the word.
@96, while I agree that it sounds like the guy is exhibiting some poorly-socialized behavior, I think that probably stems from a bad relationship and possibly him just being a douche.
The APA doesn’t even recognize sex addiction as a phenomenon. There are known sexual compulsivity disorders but they’re significantly different from what might be accurately described as addiction. The term “sex addiction” is popular these days, but mostly among the sex-phobic, moralistic, and editorially alarmist.
It doesn’t sound like the sex is really the problem here so much as his attitude towards women, or at least this woman in particular. His sex drive as described isn’t any higher than mine; he just seems to feel entitled to indulge it with her every single time he’s horny. Most of us just, you know, masturbate. He’s treating his girlfriend like a sex toy.
If you’re going to disprove the myth of the hymen, definitely be clear about which myth that is. 89 could have been written by me. (I have encountered the myth of the vanishing hymen whose rupture results in no pain or blood if you Do It Right amongst those who have moved on from the myth that lots of pain and blood proves virginity.)
I think the reason Dan is considering 4x a week to be a lot is that he’s overestimating the stress that piv puts on the vagina. The anus is more delicate and can probably withstand much less frequent penetration without discomfort. I can’t imagine many people are taking it in the ass twice every day comfortably, but I may be wrong. However, I don’t personally know any women who would be sore at 4x a week, at least once a day should be easily sustainable (assuming he’s properly warming her up). She never gave any specific reason why she “can’t” do it more often, it kind of baffled me. But I entirely agree with Dan that as long as she’s being that generous with oral/manual and encouraging him to jerk off all he wants, if he cares about her he should stop whining and consider himself pretty lucky.
@94 – Bully for you.
I, on the other hand, resent being treated like a living sex toy.
And I still think that at this time of her life, she should be focused on her needs, and not on getting whiny-boy off at any given moment.
It’s all in the tone and context of labels. If used in a derogatory context labels of any kind can be used to demean, control and marginalize.
Historically, and in my personal experience, the label “lesbian” or “lesbo” has often been used in a derogatory manner. Women like myself who identify as and are outwardly recognizable as “lesbian” (and therefor do not pass as “straight”) are still not generally embraced even within the LGBTQ community. Even in large urban areas where one would think there might be a larger range of gender expression, identification and acceptance there is a lot of pressure to conform to social norms (i.e. “look like a girl”) in the LGBTQ community — and especially the lesbian community.
Take it a step further and identify oneself (as I do) on the “butch” side of the butch femme dynamic (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butch_and_f&hellip😉 and then the social disapproval escalates even further.
It infuriates me when those within the LGBTQ community continue to turn up their noses at the word “lesbian”. In my opinion, rejection of the label “lesbian” is an extended form of misogyny. Go ahead, call yourself “gay” (as I sometimes do, too, as shorthand) or whatever you want but don’t eschew a label that, like it or not, defines your sexual orientation.
You are a l-e-s-b-i-a-n, “Good Gay Girl”. Stop the self-hate.