My boyfriend of 16 months and
I have a great relationship. He loves my blowjobs, but he will not kiss
me if I have his come in my mouth. It grosses him out. We have talked
about this, and he won’t even try. I have no problem if he kisses me
after going down on me. I just want him to try. Is there something
wrong with asking him to taste himself? I do it all the time and love
it.

Missing Kisses

It’s funny that your question—with its
hint of gay panic—should arrive today. I’ve been on vacation with
the family all week snowboarding in beautiful British Columbia, and
what I enjoy most—besides the snowboarding and the half-naked,
fully stoned Australian snowboard instructors lolling around in hot
tubs at the end of the day—is watching the straight boys who
refuse to sit four to a chairlift. They want to ride up alone or ride
up two at a time on a four-seater with two empty seats between ’em.
They seem to think gayness can be contracted through thigh-to-thigh
contact.

Which it can.

Now, MK, there’s kissing someone with your
come on her breath and then there’s kissing someone with your come in
her mouth. It sounds like you’re interested in the latter, which makes
it sound like you’re interested in passing some of your boyfriend’s
load into his mouth—i.e., snowballing—and not simply being
rewarded with a kiss, his come on your breath, for a blowjob well-done.
And that’s an entirely different wad of spunk.

Just because you enjoy tasting yourself on
his lips doesn’t mean your boyfriend will enjoy or should have to enjoy
mouthing his own load. First, there’s a significant difference in
volume and consistency between your kissing his glazed lips and his
eating his own spunk. And then there’s this: After a woman comes, MK,
she’s still in a groove, still capable of more orgasms, still cranked
up. After ejaculating, a man is essentially uncranked. He’s not capable
of another orgasm (not right away, anyway)—he’s been knocked out
of his groove. So even if the idea of snowballing appeals to a man as
you’re blowing him, it might not hold the same appeal the moment after
he comes.

Some men are afraid of tasting their own
come because they believe that doing so, like sitting too close on a
chairlift, can turn a guy gay. And it’s not an unreasonable fear: not
because it will turn a guy gay, but because, judging from my mail, a
lot of women are convinced that any man who would taste his own come
must secretly be gay. It’s possible that your boyfriend is dying to
taste himself, MK, but, like the boys on the chairlifts, is afraid of
getting a reputation if he goes ahead with this and you blab about it
to your friends.

I am at the Meshuggah show at
El Corazón as I write this. There are tons of guys I consider
hot here, 98 percent of whom, I’m sure, are straight. But I got a vibe
off this one guy. This is such a macho environment, though, that
there’s a considerable amount of danger in asking the question “So, you
gay?”

I remember an episode of Law and Order where
Jerry Orbach tried to determine if a suspect was in AA by asking a
secret question, something like “Are you a friend of Bill W.?” The idea
was that the question was innocuous if you weren’t in AA.

Since you are the king of “santorum” and
“pegging” and “saddlebacking,” I thought maybe you could invent a
secret question for masculine gay men in masculine environments.
Something like, “Hey, do you like to barbecue?” So how ’bout it? Can
you declare the official secret are-you-a-masculine-gay-guy
question?

Men Are Cute Hot Objects

The best I could come up with on my own,
MACHO, was this: “A Little Night Music—
original
Broadway cast recording or original London cast?” But that line will
get your ass kicked in a lot of gay bars—as I know from bitter
experience. So let’s toss this out to my readers, the folks who came up
with the definitions for “santorum,” “pegging,” and “saddlebacking”:
Okay, gang, we’re looking for an innocuous question that (1) all fags
everywhere would know the answer to, but (2) no straight guys anywhere
would. My long-suffering interns—their uniforms chafe—await
your suggested questions at mail@savagelove.net.

I had to refrain from opening
this with “Hey, Asshole!” (oops, guess I kind of just did) after
reading your advice to Sex Best One On One, the woman who married a man
who warned her that he could not be monogamous and who then realized
she couldn’t share him. While I agree with your assessment of SBOOO’s
husband—up-front, honest—your assessment of SBOOO is
obviously influenced by your need to have a good rant at
polyamory-unfriendly marriage counselors, family, friends, and the
world at large. SBOOO does not have to apologize for who she is (not as
willing to do long-term nonmonogamy as previously thought) to elitist,
more-liberated-than-thou jerk-offs (hint: you!) after giving it a good
fucking try (12 times!). Pun intended.

Loving Toronto Reader

I am a polyamorist. I am
always up-front with my partners about this, especially if I want to
get serious with them. So many people seem to say that they are fine
with it out of some kind of misguided assumption that they can
eventually change my mind. You know, “Polyamory isn’t real; it’s just a
phase!” You know, like being gay.

I just wanted to say thank you for your
reply to SBOOO! I couldn’t have said it better myself. That was an
absolutely fantastic response. Just like you said, counselors (and for
that matter, family members) always see the polyamorist as the bad guy,
unreasonably refusing to take the simple, easy route of strict
monogamy. It was really nice to finally have someone stand up for us.
Thank you!

While I’m sure you enjoy positive feedback,
saying thank you is cheap. A lot of times you plug various charities
and causes in your column—is there any group you’d like me to
donate to as a more concrete symbol of my appreciation?

Longtime Fan

Some folks think I was too hard on SBOOO,
some think I was just hard enough. Like I said in my original response,
I intentionally came down hard on SBOOO to compensate for the vast and
overwhelming majority of advice professionals who would, per LF, side
aggressively with her because a nonmonogamous partner—even an
honest one like SBOOO’s mate—is always perceived as the bad
guy.

For the record: I am not biased toward
nonmonogamy. But I do think monogamous people should be with each other
and refrain from marrying folks who are self-aware enough to inform
them in advance that they don’t think they’re capable of being
monogamous.

Some folks who wrote in about my advice for
SBOOO raised a good point: I should have come down on the husband as
well. If nonmonogamy was a deal breaker for him, then he was a fool to
marry SBOOO before verifying her ability to be nonmonogamous. Agreed.
So, for the record: SBOOO’s husband? You’re an idiot, too.

Finally, LF, I’m always happy to see money
go to Planned Parenthood.

mail@savagelove.net

242 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. I’m straight and I suspect that some guys hit on me with homo-faux-bia. You know- “What are you looking at, fag!” and then they try to read your reaction to somehow see if they should follow up.

    Posted by king chav

    Damn, King Chav, I’ve never heard that one. Whether it’s homo-faux-bia or the real thing, it sounds scary. I have heard of really fucked up gay boys who hit on straight boys, so they can beat the shit out of them if they get a homophobic rejection. Rare, but I met a couple who admitted to doing it in their misspent youths.

  3. I’m straight. I think male cum, sweat, etc. is disgusting. There’s no way in hell I would want to taste my own cum or any other guys cum. I would, however, sit 4 to a chair. If this makes me gay phobic, then so be it. However, I am very much into female ejaculate and if a female were capable of spooging into my mouth (I’ve met a few who can) then I’m there for them. Women may not produce seminal fluid, but they do produce sweet vaginal fluid, and I’m always down for a facial. I think its a bit of a pheromone thing. The scent of a woman is much more enjoyable for me than the scent of a man. I think straight women feel this way too (in reverse). Just a thought…

  4. Why the hell should MK’s boyfriend have to swallow? He doesn’t like it at all! If that’s what MK wants, MK needs to find a boyfriend who’s into it.

    I’m a meatatarian. When I invite my Vegan friends over for a meal, I don’t shove a sausage down their throats because I like it. I let them eat what they like in peace…and they do the same favor for me!

    Also, “Are you a friend of Dorothy” is soooo old! Why not “Are you a constituent of Harvey Milk?” instead?

  5. I thought brownbacking was the universal signal that a guy was gay.
    Nothing screams “buttfucker” like a fresh skidmark leaking through.

  6. My boyfriend loves to kiss me after I blow him but I will NOT kiss him after he goes down on me. I just hate the way it tastes! It’s possible that that’s all it is. It doesn’t always have to be a male-gay thing, Dan.

  8. I’m not sure that MK was discussing snowballing; if he won’t kiss her at all after a blowjob, I suggest she tell him that she likes kisses and he likes blowjobs- if she can’t get kisses because she gives him blowjobs then it only makes sense that she should stop giving him blowjobs- problem solved and kisses resumed!

  10. Dan, you won’t be able to publish whatever secret code you come up with for MACHO. Because, you know, straight guys–everywhere–read this column. May I suggest taking out an ad in Redbook instead?

  11. I agree with Dan: I might be willing to try my cum BEFORE I actually come, because I am horny. Once I ejaculate, all that horniness escapes me and I don’t feel so much ready to even get close to it. At this point in my life, I don’t care about the gay thing or not: it just grosses me out. Before = Hmmm!; After = Eeeww! Perhaps MK can try to get him to taste his precum, instead, or just kiss him before he comes.

  13. “I’ve been with a few guys who would gladly eat pussy before they cum in it, but not after…. HE IS A SHITTY LOVER! “

    Maybe it’s the fact that (as Dan mentioned) men loss all interest in sex about 1/2 second after they cum. I don’t think many women quite understand this.
    Sure you can make your man go down on you after he comes, but from his point of view you might as well ask him to go down on a ham sandwich. After he comes both will have about the same erotic appeal.

  14. LC makes good point. I was surprised that women who enjoyed my cunnilingus skills wanted to kiss me afterwards. I love women but still do not understand them. Only once has a woman wanted to kiss me after fellatio, and I was surprised by it. I am open – minded, so went ahead and kissed her, a strange sensation to have that in my own mouth. I recall that I actually enjoyed the fact she was so hot and turned on at the time, so this put a positive spin on the “surprise” factor. On the subject (fellatio) I actually prefer it as foreplay, and like to finish by coming inside her, just a preference of mine. Does that make me a control freak?
    sb

  16. Why would anybody want to snowball? It is like blowing your nose in someone’s mouth. EEK! It is BEYOND disgusting. For the record, I am gay and looooooooove oral.

  17. My husband used to go down on me all the time after he came in me, and gushed (HA!) about “how good” I tasted…until I told him that it was probably mostly him he was tasting. Stupid, stupid stupid!

  18. “Are you family?” is pretty good. Then, for the non-phobic straight folk in the know, they can reply they are “a FRIEND of the family”!

  21. Wow, so much to say, so little time. Where can I possibly start? First….MK, to kiss a man with his load in your mouth he has to have homo-tendencies. Only a bisexual, bicurious, or gay man who accidentally slept with a woman would take his own load from your mouth. If he’s really gay, he’ll take another mans load from your mouth. Second, SBOOO, you’re a moron! You actaully thought you could have a one-on-one relationship with a guy who TOLD YOU he can’t be monogamous? “Polyamorist” Is not only a bulls**t Mormon idea and sacreligious f**kover, it’s a man/womans way of saying “I don’t want to date, I just want to f**k!” (By the way, I’m Agnostic) If you fall for your own idea that you can change him, you deserver to be slapped in the face with a rotten trout. Maybe the one in your pants? Find a man who wants what you want you idiot, you’ll never get what you want unless you get what you want, capeshe? Last and not least, MACHO, you are the ironically contradicting feminist in my eyes. I’ll bet a dollar to your doughnut hole that if a man refered to you as a “Cute Hot Object” you’d go into whore-monal/emotional overdrive and demand the male race be wiped from the face of the earth. Am I offended by you calling men “Cute Hot Objects” Not at all. That would be a waste of my time. But it’s definately worth all my time to tell you what a f**king moron you are. Why the hell do YOU need a question to ask gay men if they are gay in a “secert” way? I’m straight as an arrow, love women till the day I die. In a great relationship, (SBOOO, it’s one-on-one, MK, she swallows then I kiss her lips, no tongue, and Macho…ugh). If you’re a straight woman, why the hell do you need to filter out the homos from the heteros with a stupid f’ing question? Look and you shall see! I can spot a gay man from a mile away, I’ll be his best friend until he hits on me. He gets three chances to understand I’m straight and interested in him plutonically, strictly, until I tell him to fuck off because he wants me cock. Get a life, keep the straight men, talk to the gay men in the appropriate environment about their gayness. You all sound like you need a lesson in open communication with your partner… I can’t pluralize that because I don’t believe in fucking more than one person at a time unless you only care about yourself and don’t care about the person(s) you’re fucking.

  24. Tasting my cum:
    Thanks for your response to missing kisses. For eons I’ve said to my female partners during sex that ” i want to shoot on your tits, face, in your pussy and then clean you up with my mouth. When the words leave my mouth I fully intend to do that, but as soon as my spunk is deposited on those tits, face, on in the pussy, I lose all interest in doing it. In fact, the thought of doing it is downright gross. I know that many of these women have thought that I was renegging on my promise. Why does something that sounds so hot with a boner, become gross without one?

  25. As to machos question as to how to ID someone who plays for his team. I was told years ago by someone who was very out and somewhat flaming that the code question is, or at least was “are you a friend of dorothy’s” as in the wizard of OZ

  30. I loved the response he gave to the monogamist, because as a non-monogamist myself I’ve gotten the short end of the stick in relationship counseling, and there is a bias that “one partner is the only way.” She lied to her partner, and she should be the one to take responsibility. Her husband was the one brave enough to broach the subject in the first place instead of lying and saying he was monogamous, then living in misery or cheating. I was glad to see the smackdown and I wish someone had come to my aid when I was trying to salvage my very-similar relationship troubles.

  32. I’m with LC – I’m expected to have your come in my mouth, but all of a sudden its “gross” when I want to give you a kiss after I’ve just blown you??? – too gross for you but not too gross for me? whatev that’s bullshit

  33. I have a great story for your Macho thread.

    I was working at Microsoft and I commented (via email) that I thought a a particular guy that I knew was a team player to a friend. My buddy sent a reply commenting that he thought this guy wasn’t “on the team”. He realized later that he sent the email further than he thought. Later that day, the particular guy comes up to my buddy and says he’s not on the team but ‘would like to be’. One reason this worked was my buddy was a team player for a particular sport; it wasn’t known that it was a gay team.

    So for MACHO, if he can work sports into the conversation that would be my take.

  34. I mostly agree with those who say MACHO should practice reading eye contact and body language more and worrying about codes less. As for codes, porn actor names may work, but not everybody is such a consumer as to know actors’ names. You might be more likely to get some idea by trying to get his thoughts about Beckham, Michael Phelps, some guy that’s fit and well known at the moment. You can also go the other way and make a leading comment about an attractive woman nearby and hope for a disinterested reaction or telling comment. But if you’re not getting a good read without giving a quiz, there is a usually effective way of identifying if a guy is the type who is homo averse or maybe just not into you without getting hit. It is sorta rude though. Everyone has that imaginary ‘space’ around them that we maintain. If you absentmindedly get slightly too close an uninterested dude will step back, lean or turn away, or make it clear you’re in his space. The stronger the reaction the more you know to leave him alone. If a guy is gay and interested he’s not likely to do those things, instead he’ll likely warm up more. The best advice is to practice subtle flirting and reading signals, honing the gaydar, and forgetting ‘codes’. There are no good ‘secret’ verbal codes in the Internet era. Oh, and in a more private setting there is a much easier way to identify guys who are gay, gay friendly, or at least not homophobic; ask if they wanna watch some porn. 🙂

  38. I tasted my own spunk once and was so revolted that I literally vomited. My gag reflex on the issue is such that I cannot go down on a woman after cumming inside her, and the notion of snowballing is profoundly nauseating to me. Missing Kisses boyfriend may feel the same way and simply is lacking the balls to honestly tell his pushy girlfriend the truth. It isn’t gay panic, it is simple revulsion and gagging that he’s avoiding, or at least that’s my bet.

  39. “What’s your favorite part of ‘The Wizard of Oz’?”

    Straight guys: “When the witch melted,” “Those crazy flying monkeys,” “Man, I haven’t seen that since I was a kid,” etc.

    Gay guys: Judy!

  40. I think the secret code should lie more in the answer to the question than the question itself- the reader suggested “Do you Barbeque?” Perfectly innocent question, and the secret “Why yes, I am gay!” answer could be “Only in the back yard.” That way a straight dude would say, “yeah sure” and look at you weird, but the question itself wouldn’t be code for anything and you wouldn’t get your ass kicked for asking… Just my thoughts.

  41. May have been mentioned already, regarding a “secret code,” but how about something along the line, referring to Kinsey 6 (6 being 100% gay on the Kinsey scale)? Such as, “Don’t you just love that new band, K6?” Straight guys would go, “huh?” Gays would say, “Totally into them.”

  44. “Q: Do you like baseball?
    A: Yeah, I prefer to (pitch/catch)

    Probably not too transparent if you aren’t looking for it.”

    Roses27 has the best one, because it’s the code that, even if all the straight guys know it, they can’t be sure that the person asking it is gay–the person may be asking an honest question. It’s the perfect question because the answer is as integral a part of the code as the question.

    It would also be really easy to work into a conversation naturally.

  45. There is no such thing as polyamorist. There are only slobs which are not skilled enough to maintain a true relationship.

    And as far as truly loving someone goes, it is a hard, tough thing to love a human being.

  46. One of my parents’ friends, a woman, once asked me in a non-threatening way if I am “a confirmed bachelor”. I was too embarrassed to admit that I was, so I answered that I was “an unconfirmed bachelor”. I think she understood.

  47. “Are you a friend of Dan Savage?”

    If a guy reads Dan’s column he probably doesn’t care whether another guy is gay or not, regardless of how macho he or the surroundings are.

  48. RE: MACHO‘s question.

    Why not keep the one that’s been around for over a century? “Are you a friend of Dorothy?”

    It’s been used since before WWII, and if memory serves me, dates back to a socialite in England around Oscar Wilde’s time, though more recently it’s become associated with writer Dorothy Parker and “The Wizard of Oz”. See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friend_of_D… .

    Signed,

    Friend of Dorothy

  49. Oh, puh-lease. I’m a straight guy who’s gotten hit on every since I was 15. Trying to figure out the gay people? Just look for the dudes who are looking you straight in the eye and don’t look away. Some guys look w/ a tinge of guilt, some guys look w/ unabashed lust, some guys look w/ intense curiosity but THEY LOOK. Geez. Like you all need a stupid code-word when your horny eyes say pretty much everything.

  50. If you were at Whistler and there was a line, there’s no way the lifties would allow half-empty chairs to go up.
    I’ve never seen the liftline homophobia thing, not buying it.

Comments are closed.