I have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years. He says he loves me and does a lot of loving
things for me. We are both in our early 60s, but we have the sexual
energy of 20-year-olds. Here’s the problem: I am overweight (size 18).
I was overweight when he met me. I now know that he hates fat women.
You should hear his disgust when he sees them on TV or on the street.
He has begun to tease me and make jokes about my weight. This hurts my
feelings, and I have told him so. He says I’m too sensitive. What is
your advice to me?
Fat And Teased
Before I answer your question, FAT, I’m
going to take a little stroll down Suppressed Memory Lane: I once had a
“bisexual” boyfriend. (I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual
Community, only because this guy wasn’t bisexual. That doesn’t
mean other guys aren’t bisexual.) My “bisexual” boyfriend liked
to claim that he really wasn’t that into men until I came
along—I was the magical exception, the one guy who did it for
him—but even then, he told people loudly at parties, he was
mostly turned on by how into him I was, he wasn’t that into me
or my junk. (He could barely stand to look at my cock—which is
why he stuffed it in his mouth or ass whenever we got naked.)
And you know what, FAT? He made disparaging
comments constantly about gay men he saw on the street or on
TV—gay men like the one he was with—and put me down
constantly for having a much more serious case of the gay than he did.
He was going to marry a woman one day, a woman with lady parts, and
have a family; I was going to remain hopelessly gay all my life. He
was, of course, gayer than a college wrestling team and eventually came
out as gay—much to the consternation of all his friends who
believed him when he said that he wasn’t really that into men.
(By which I mean to say, much to the consternation of absolutely no
one.)
Anyway, your current boyfriend (early 60s,
straight, asshole) reminded me of my old boyfriend (20, gay, asshole).
A man who claims to have fallen in love with someone who he’s
not attracted to, or someone who disgusts him, expressly so he
can belittle that person and make that person feel awful, well, that
man is a complete asshole, FAT, and my first impulse is to advise you
DTMFA just like I did my asshole boyfriend. But…
You say he’s good to you otherwise, does
loads for you, and fucks you regularly—so before you dump this
motherfucker, FAT, let’s consider reforming him. Say he’s totally into
you and into big women, just like my ex was totally into cock. But,
like my ex, he’s uncomfortable with his sexuality and worries about
what other people think—including you, FAT, as paradoxical as
that may sound. So he makes asshole comments in an effort to hide his
true feelings—possibility fetishistic feelings—for big
women. The asshole comments allow him to pretend that he’s not into
your body, just hopelessly in love with you, the person
you are on the inside—which makes him one of the “good guys,”
i.e., a guy who isn’t so shallow as to let a little thing like your
weight come between you.
While I had to dump my “bisexual” boyfriend,
FAT, a little shock-and-awe therapy might convince your “fatphobic”
boyfriend to knock it off. You shouldn’t have to put up with his
comments, FAT, whether they’re motivated by shame for his attraction to
big fat asses or, if my theory is incorrect, by a genuine hatred for
fat people. Either way, FAT, you’ve got to tell him—in no
uncertain terms—to knock it the fuck off already. Don’t be
measured, don’t wrap it up in “I” statements, no mewling about your
feelings. Give him both barrels: “If you don’t knock it the
fuck off—the asshole comments, the stupid jokes—I’m
going to kick your ass out, got it?” A strategic blowup or two should
occur—scream, yell, smash a few things you’re not all that
attached to—when he slips up. Repeat until his attitude changes
or his address does.
When I first met my
fiancé two years ago, he was training for a marathon and had the
body of a Greek god. But he seems to be losing all interest in his
appearance. The other day he sent me a photo of himself (I am finishing
college in another state) that made me yelp in shock because he’d
gained so much weight. I don’t want to dump him—the man I love is
encased in that mound somewhere—but it’s gotten to the point
where I’m glad I’m in a long-distance relationship because it means I
don’t have to sleep with him. How can I communicate this in a subtle
way so as not to hurt him?
The Biggest Gainer
Well, aren’t you a shallow piece of shit. I
mean, do you love this man for who he is or how he looks?
What about the person he is on the inside?
Just kidding, TBG, I’m totally on your side.
While we all eventually arrive at old and ugly—”ugly” is an
entirely subjective judgment, of course, and for some of us, “body of a
Greek god” counts as “ugly”—you’re under no obligation to marry a
man who’s in a hurry to get there. Tell him that committing to you
means committing to maintaining his body out of consideration for the
pleasure you’re expected to provide to it/take from it.
Thanks for your advice to
Missing Kisses, where you explained that sometimes men can be turned on
by a desire to do some post-orgasm activity but lose that desire once
we’ve ejaculated. I have this problem with one fantasy.
For years, while fucking my wife, I’ve told
her about how badly I want to come all over her nipples and then lick
it off. She’s keen on the idea and presents herself to be licked clean
after I come. However, I’ve never been able to follow through. It’s not
a matter of some latent gay panic; I’m simply not turned on anymore at
that point and have no desire. Is there a way around this? I’d like to
complete the act at least once, if only to surprise her.
Loses Interest Quickly
There is a way around it, LIQ, but your wife
will have to lead the way. So stop reading, LIQ, because the rest of
this answer is for the wife’s eyes only. Mrs. LIQ: You’re going to have
to make him do it. You’re going to have to force him to
follow through on all that lick-my-come-off-your-tits dirty talk. The
next time he tells you he’s going to lick his come off your tits, tell
him that you’re holding him to it: He either does it or no more pussy
for him until he does. And don’t make an idle threat: If he doesn’t do
it, don’t let him fuck you again until he does. He’ll do it grudgingly,
and he’ll hate it while he’s doing it. But once he’s horny again, he’ll
be so turned on by the thought of what you “forced” him to do that
he’ll totally “bring it,” as the kids were only too recently saying,
and fuck the living shit out of you. You’re welcome.
WTF LOL Licking your own stuff is so, homo.
Oh, and most guys are just done after they cum. I always try to get whatever guy I’m sleeping with to cum before me, otherwise I’ll cum and just lose interest and won’t want to finish him off.
Sex is hard sometimes!
to LIQ: Make him do it. And circulate the video tape 🙂
If most guys turn off after sex (god, how boring), then all the more reason to make sure the hetero ones get their partners to cum first, without exception. Or to explore tantric sex.
hmmmm… it is interesting that what seems so hot before you cum is not hot at all in the afterglow. I have a weird question… my boyfriend is the quietest cummer on the planet. It’s news to me… and kind of a let down. He’s not totally quiet, he talks dirty to me, is very sexy, but it’s more like letting the air out of a balloon than a climax. any one else dealing with this?
I was at an LGBT conference this weekend that discussed how prevalent prejudice against bisexuals is, even among LGBT’s. Thanks for the reminder, Dan: ‘I place bisexual in quotes, Angry Bisexual Community, only because this guy wasn’t bisexual.’ It’s almost like “Angry Lesbians”, another group folks like to pick on. Kick the Dog syndrome?
http://www.robynochs.com/writing/essays/…
http://www.thetaskforce.org/reports_and_…
Dan, many weeks ago you called a person retarded. You would not accept “gay” as a negative adjective. Perhaps you’ve made an apology or explanation. Help us out here. I’ve tried to ask you in many ways.
people keep reporting my comment for deletion. Why?
Weeks ago Dan wrote that a stupid person was “retarded”. What if Obama called a stupid person “gay”?
I’ve sent Dan personal email and never got any response. Don’t delete the question fellow readers, what do you think? Double standard or just no thesaurus?
CC, did you try talking to him about it? Let him know that you like it when you makes noise. Ask him to be loud, that’s worked for me.
Kickass advice to FAT. Damned insightful; even if that’s not the particular issue her boyfriend has, it’s probably out there a hell of a lot.
Regarding partners getting fat…I have to say, if a little weight is enough to turn you off to someone, I tend to think what you had was probably not all that strong or lasting to begin with.
as a member of the Angry Bisexual Community (c), i take no offense.
btw, i have a gayer than hell male friend who recently has started fooling around w girls after a break up with The Love of His Life (c). is this a normal process of rebound? getting stoned and letting straight girls suck you off?
powertrash, I think it depends on whether the stoning is an integral part of the process. Being sober and letting straight girls suck you off might mean something else entirely. And being sober and RETURNING the favor… that’s just plain bisexual!
..hm, i’ve seen this with some lesbians (!!), maybe hes exploring his own bisexuality, or going totally queer? if he always liked women (and never was a women hating ass) you shouldn’t worry about your friends behavior or the heterosexual girls (who are most likely veryvery excited about having sex with a gay boy).
I don’t think he answered TBG’s question. It wasn’t “should I/shouldn’t I?” it was “HOW can I do this gently?”
Dan, Fat and Teased needs to dump his goofy ass right now. He may be loving in other areas, but he’s not loving enough. Dump him and let someone else reform him. Fat and Teased owes him nothing and she owes herself much more than what she’s getting. I’d rather be alone than to be with someone who can’t deal with me being (fill in the blank–fat, black, gay, an amputee, etc.).
Oh my god, Only Angry @ Stereotypes… chillax! Dan just said that to make fun of the actually angry bisexuals who won’t catch his drift and start emailing angry rants his way.
Like you.
norseman, posting the same query over and over on a forum Dan doesn’t read is just going to piss off your fellow commenters. If you haven’t gotten an answer from Dan Savage about this, let it go already!
Yes, what Dan wrote was insensitive, but if you’re expecting him to be sensitive to everyone’s concerns, you’ve got a long wait ahead of you.
Find a more constructive way to fight this particular fight, like pushing for legislation that will empower developmentally disabled people.
The rest of us come here to discuss other topics. If you don’t like being ignored, go start a “Dan Savage Is Ignorant” blog, and see how many likeminded people you can find. I suspect most of Dan’s regular commentators don’t share your concern.
“Angry Bisexual Community”
We’re not angry dammit!
“I don’t think he answered TBG’s question. It wasn’t ‘should I/shouldn’t I?’ it was ‘HOW can I do this gently?'”
There IS no way to gently tell someone (s)he needs to clean up his/her act. When you do that, you ARE going to hurt his/her feelings. It’s a matter of saying what you want to say clearly, so the person won’t feel manipulated, listening compassionately as (s)he reacts to what you’ve said, and being ready to follow through on what you’ve said you’re going to do if the person doesn’t make a change within a reasonable amount of time, instead of letting the matter hang over your relationship like a dangling sword.
“I don’t think he answered TBG’s question. It wasn’t ‘should I/shouldn’t I?’ it was ‘HOW can I do this gently?'”
There IS no way to gently tell someone (s)he needs to clean up his/her act. When you do that, you ARE going to hurt his/her feelings. It’s a matter of saying what you want to say clearly, so the person won’t feel manipulated, listening compassionately as (s)he reacts to what you’ve said, and being ready to follow through on what you’ve said you’re going to do if the person doesn’t make a change within a reasonable amount of time, instead of letting the matter hang over your relationship like a dangling sword.
First!!!
LAST!
yeah Robyn!!!! Glad to see you read this column, though I’m not surprised!!! And thanks for representing us! I’m finally come out publicly as being bi and knowing that I have a politic, makes me feel so much safer!!! And thanks Dan you’re an inspiration, sexually, politically, and career wise thanks amigo!!!
‘my boyfriend is the quietest cummer on the planet. It’s news to me… and kind of a let down. He’s not totally quiet, he talks dirty to me, is very sexy, but it’s more like letting the air out of a balloon than a climax. any one else dealing with this?’
This sounds a bit like the flipside of the porn stereotype coin. American college campuses are teeming with a generation of straight dudes who expect women to look and act a certain way during sex – shrieking, flailing, hair tossing, the digging in of manicured nails, and the inevitable ‘I’m cumming! I’m cumming!’ (which, while it may happen, is not what any women I know do – risks breaking concentration. And sounds like it’s out of a porn, duh.)
So anyway, you may be disappointed ’cause you’ve been led – by other partners or by porn – to expect fireworks. If it’s because you find it genuinely arousing, okay. Try to get him to talk dirty more, maybe say, ‘Oh I love hearing you cum.’ But if it’s just because of skewed expectations, and he’s vocal and dirty in other ways, I’d say just accept a grunt and a hand squeeze.
oh BTW, I don’ think “Only Angry @Stereotypes” was chastising Dan rather than supporting his use of italics, As any exploration is human sexuality put us in “catagories”, (am I bi, Gay, hetero-flexible, straight or what if I have a bit of sexual exploration)and it’s okay if we don’t always have the same one, I like to quote my brilliant sister… “I love whom I love and I fuck whom I fuck, unless you want some why do you care!”
Huh. Not bad advice to Liq et al. However I wonder about the guys in the comments that just “turn off” after orgasim. I mean, my husband usually cums before me since I like that, then goes down on me with full force. Or sometimes not, but still, he gets the job done and doesn’t seem to mind doing it.
Eleventh!
I thing being GGG means continuing with your intentions even if you’ve popped your nut.
However I wonder about the guys in the comments that just “turn off” after orgasim.
Yeah, I don’t get that either.
Sure, there are probably a few moments there when I am incapacitated and enjoying the sensations, but I’ve always thought it was fun to keep fooling around. I just have to adjust my strategy for a few minutes.
If the “annnnd I’m spent” guys could just keep on keepin’ on through the refractory period, they would find that they are ideally situated to reduce their partners to a puddle of pleasure. They are thinking clearly and ready for a more prolonged session- both advantages.
Here’s another fun option for Mrs LIQ: Massage it into your breasts while he watches and save it for the next round- You’re welcome 😉
Not that I’ve ever done that, of course, because I’m not into dirty, shameful sex acts. Only a pervert would do such a thing.
Great advice to FAT. He knew she was size 18 when he met her. Whatever the reason for his behaviour, whether he has internalized shame, or he just likes to date people he can insult (some people get off on that), it is simply not acceptable. She needs to threaten to dump him, and then, if he doesn’t change, she needs to follow through, with no second chances, no exceptions.
As far as LIQ goes… Dude, just do something that doesn’t fucking turn you on, already. So you’ve lost your sexual desire. So what?! It’s not like she’s expecting you to do something physiologically impossible for a non aroused man.
Oh My God, “Only Angry @ Stereotypes”, If you had any sense of irony you would see that you just proved his point. Dan was placing bi-sexual in quotes for the reason that he can’t ever seem to mention bi-sexuals without getting a bunch of people bitching at him up and down. And what do you do? you post something bitching at him. Way to live up to the stereotype. Now why don’t you go get yourself some nice earth friendly eco-shopping bags and toddle off to the farmers market while the rest of the adults talk?
my God, I knew it. We’re all getting fat. The few remaining individuals with quasi-sleek stature beware. We will SAS-SQUASH your tash.
Dan’s Still White Hot.
I wonder if FAT’s boyfriend was ever overweight himself? Maybe he feels disgusted because it’s a battle he’s ‘won’ as it were and feels others should be able to fix that part of themselves too. Either way he’s an arse and just another example of how cruel folk can be and how we just don’t need that. I hope FAT follows Dan’s advise and tells him to go fuck himself if he doesn’t cut it out.
As someone with a bunch of retards in the family (real, honest-to-goodness retards), I take absolutely no offense to the word being used to describe a moron, or even a sexually-insensitive jag-off, norseman. Given that my retad relatives don’t even know they’re supposed to be offended (and who the hell are YOU to tell them anything?), I say lay off Dan, who’s just making a living here and was understood in his original post to mean no offense to the actual retarded population. Without getting into semantics, or cultural theory, or any other touchy-feely douchery, let’s refocus and agree that 1. Dan was right on with his advice and 2. people who get their panties in a wad over the WORD “retard,” unlike real retards, should not be allowed in public forums.
Generally the most annoying “I hate fatties” assholes tend to be sporting about 50 extra pounds themselves, but think they are “athletic.” I wonder how svelte this 60 year old man is himself?
If she does end up dumping him, I hope she spends all that extra time and energy with a personal trainer so she can get slim and buff for *herself.*
…And a little sweet revenge.
The old Dan is BACK!!!! ( since the last 4 columns) THIS is the Dan who taught me everything I ever needed to know about sex. THIS is the Dan who keeps me sex positive. THIS is the Dan we want!!!!
Yes Dan, your wannabe young, profane, political tirades are part of your charm, but good ‘ole sex advice is what you do best.
PLEASE PLEASE, PUL-LEASE keep it up!!
i’m guessin he’s a wide load too. For some reason fat guys have a lot of trouble seeing their own flab while spotting others from across the buffet line.
i’m guessin he’s a wide load too. For some reason fat guys have a lot of trouble seeing their own flab while spotting others from across the buffet line.
damn you Savage, damn you and your fancy quote marks and high toned punctuation protecting you from the much deserved wrath of all fecophiliacs everywhere, I call you out Savage, I dare you… what? It’s bisexuals this week and not coprophagy, oh, uh, sorry, what an embarrassment, but I thought that’s what the newsletter, oh, eheh…
I think you’ve just become the first advice columnist to ever suggest multiple temper tantrums as a solution to a writer’s problem. Awesome.
“Weeks ago Dan wrote that a stupid person was “retarded”. What if Obama called a stupid person “gay””
For that comment I’m calling you Retarded. If you didn’t know retarded does not define a person with a mental handicap and is politically incorrect and that Obama reference? What do Obama, president, and Dan Savage, controversial sex columnist, have to do with each other exactly? Umm Dan is more awesome than Obama? I just don’t know.
Great, great, great advice to FAT.
*waves pink and purple flag*
re: FAT … dan’s theory is a great one and i’m not arguing with it at all … however one other theory that crossed my mind is that he is belittling her because he is afraid she will leave him – if he chips away at her self esteem enough, she won’t feel adequate enough to think she could do better than him. it’s quite possible that the weight doesn’t bother him at all, but he’s just using it as his weapon of choice because it’s there and it works.
not that that’s any better, or any less of a reason to DTMFA … she absolutely should. guy’s a dick.
hey cc, I come the same way. I think it’s because I shared a bedroom during puberty. I didn’t want to freak my younger brother out.
Well Dan, this angry bisexual HAS MET pseudo-bi’s..don’t blame you for the occasional dig. Tho’ I do feel you gots something against the bis, I’m trying to think it’s just against FLAKY bi’s. Some people deserve the “qoutes” around them. This enables me to continue to read & enjoy your column.
I’m a big girl too – and, GREAT advice to FAT. 🙂 Exactly what that woman needs to hear! <3 Agreed w/ all other posters plz: a little less politics, a little more sex.
@ “Only Angry @Stereotypes” –
The “Angry Bisexual Community” comment was hardly a dig at bisexuals – it reads more like (and, I would think, is) a dig at the kind of paranoia you’ve displayed in your comment.
In anticipating a fire-up, Savage inserts the the explanation of his “quotation marking” the word “bisexual”.
Big whoop.
To Only Angry @Stereotypes:
Oh puh-lease!
Dan wasn’t calling the entire bisexual community angry, he was addressing the angry portion of the bisexual community who are so busy being angry at the slights they imagine from Dan’s comments like this that they can’t see that putting “bisexual” in quotes was not an insult without an explanatory statement.
I’m a bisexual myself, so don’t dare start in with “you don’t know what it’s like” stuff. Most people read Savage Love primarily for entertainment, secondarily for information, then for whatever else. So Dan writes his information in an acerbic (read entertaining) manner. The Angry [whatever community currently being “insulted” by Dan] Community needs to take a deep breath and read his columns with humor, as they were intended to be taken, rather than with offense.
@ 2: totally me too.