My husband and I have been
together for about four years and have been married for a little over a
year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began a
long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great
friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s
our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s
practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite
shocking.
Early on, it didn’t bother me
much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance
relationships—but now that we’re married, he would still rather
jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my “amazing ass”
gets hit on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-
loving
girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he does give
me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a
year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I’m at
work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.
The topic has been discussed often.
Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent
hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up
by blokes who noticed my “amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his sex
drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I’m
just getting to the point where one of these days, I’m going to fuck a
minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?
Sexless And Desperate
Your husband—who is beating off three
times a week in front of the computer—is interested in sex, SAD.
He’s just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he’s ever been
with. But ultimately, the issue here isn’t sex. It’s about neglect and
selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we’re signing up to
fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested
in fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change his
ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two
options: an open relationship or a new relationship.
Considering your compatibility and the fact
that you have a child, I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open
relationship it is—and he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If
sex doesn’t matter to him, if he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then
it shouldn’t matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely
unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams.
So long as you’re a good and loving partner and coparent, and so long
as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe,
sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more
quasi-forced sex with you.
And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re
having sex with other dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will cause your husband to develop a
bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband
will be inspired, fucking you three times a week instead of his
fist.
I’m 21, female, and pretty
experienced. The guy I’m dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like
to avoid some of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise,
seeing as I’m his first. (And has arisen—the first time we
attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he
also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I’m
at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in
the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make
this less awkward for both of us?
First Isn’t Really Sexy Time
Mess around a few times—at least a
half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu,
ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen
that, yes, his dick does work—yes we can get hard, yes
we can stay hard, yes we can blow a load with a woman in the
room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take
control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you’re
going to do before you get started, tell him what you’re doing while
you’re doing it, and then you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of
letting him guess.
And, finally, a little required reading for
the virgins out there and the people who are about to fuck some sense
into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and
Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi;
young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences.
The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving,
hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at
once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward, and that
some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive
them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn’t hurt you to be
reminded of those things, either.
I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly, and I would like to share
what worked for me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come
but was hesitant—and I’ve got two follow-up questions for
you.
My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife,
was frustrated that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after
climax. So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I
masturbate into a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. Then during
our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie—she feeds it to me
in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick
it up as it melts, preclimax of course. Because of these baby steps,
now on special occasions I even eat it “fresh” after I’ve come in
her.
Two questions: Could home-frozen
sperm—stored for 24 hours or so in a regular household
freezer—impregnate my wife? And if so, is there a risk of birth
defects or miscarriage? Also, we are interested in using my ejaculate
as an ingredient in cooking—are you aware of any legit recipes
that use human semen?
Coming Around To Cream Pies
Frozen spermsicles gross me out,
CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for the stuff.
So I can’t imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys like you
and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little tantric woo-woo.
“Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make
yourself come without ejaculating; or you can ejaculate a little and
still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can bring myself to a ‘mini-orgasm’
where I just slightly come on my girlfriend’s tits, go right
back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She
loves it.”
As for your questions…
“Sperm frozen in a household freezer would
probably be useless for insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an
associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a
fertility consultant. “The issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably
wouldn’t be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen
in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in
liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”
And while I’ve never cooked with
sperm—if it’s not in Mark Bittman’s How to Cook
Everything, it was either meant to be eaten raw or not at
all—there’s a cookbook out there for you: Natural Harvest: A
Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.
I was hoping that cook book was fake when I saw it online
I would do some snooping if I were the neglected wife in the first question and see if your husband isn’t watching gay or tranny (or fat girl/guy) porn. It sounds like he isn’t interested in either your body type or your gender.
Not everybody likes what “everybody” likes.
Wow, finally a book that combines “The Joy of Cooking” with “The Joy of Sex.”
From the book description at lulu.com:
“Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants.”
Restaurants? RESTAURANTS????
You have seen Fight Club, right?
ew ew ew…i mean, usually i am un-disgusted but this frozen sperm thing…so much grosser than gay sex
Well, anywhere that has men working, I guess it’ll be available.
It’ll be available if you REALLY piss off your servers. TIP WELL, FOLKS!
thank you so much for mentioning the virgin project! I really enjoyed it! I actually submitted a story. =) not sure if it worked though, hopefully it did.
For all the “firsts” (none of them were) – LAME!
off topic but isnt it funny how the weirdos who are obsessed with being ‘first’ are never ever ever ever first?
@commenters who disbelieved: that cookbook – Natural Harvest – is very definately genuine. I bought a copy for a family member at Christmas as a joke, but they really seemed interested in it. Needless to say I haven’t allowed them to cook for me since.
@Sexless and Desperate,
Get your husband to the gym. Have him lift weights. The health benefits are great, but it will also do wonders for his libido.
Dan,
Not sure on that advice to SAD. I believe the issue here is more about porn addiction and convenience. I am like her guy actually.
When I was single, I got used to jack off to porn at least once a day. It became almost like a daily routine without which I could not fall asleep easily. It’s convenient, no commitment to any girl, your decide the timing, no work to be done except to yourself -> it’s selfish of course.
After I got into a relationship with my lovely fiancee, we fucked around every day – for like a month or two. After that I got back into my regular jack-off-porn mode (addiction?) and guess what, we had less and less sex because i did not have enough energy to do it 7 times a week for myself plus 5 times a week together with her. I think my fiancee is gorgeous, great shape and everytime I see a girl like her on the street, i feel like fucking that girl right there. However in the relationship, doing for myself was so much more convenient than with her, hence i continued to neglect her until we put it on the table on spoke about it.
Now I convince myself (-> conscious thought) to go to bed without jacking-off some days, and horray, my sex drive with her suddenly increased again. Every guy jacks-off to porn, but I think one needs to manage the frequency and do not let it become a selfish habit that drains too much energy.
A good chat with her guy is maybe what SAD needs. Ultimately though, it will be her guy that decides with his reaction what SAD should do. Though if SAD has had that chat already, I guess your advice is spot-on.
first!!
Aren’t you going to experience a bad case of frostbite if you attempt to inseminate yourself by shoving a big block of ice cube up your twat?
A thought for FIRST:
Another alternative is for you to take control. Many guys – including some gay guys – get turned on by being dominated by a woman. It’ll certainly get his mind a long way from performance anxiety, which is what you want since it tends to be self reinforcing.
I freeze human cells and tissue as part of my job. One of the complications when you are trying to preserve cells is that water expands when frozen and ice can be jagged sometimes as well. Both of these properties of water means that it’s highly likely that cells, in this case sperm, will burst or be cut open.
That doesn’t mean that freezing things is a way of sterilizing them, but if you’re looking to preserve the sperm, this is the exact wrong way of doing it.
Reading this week’s column made me so glad my first and I took things slow. We’d fooled around for a few months before we (both virgins) tried vaginal penetration. It went very smoothly and we were both happy. I guess the key, for us, was being so comfortable and familiar with each other first.
I think Dan’s advice to SAD is good, but it sort of assumes the guy is on the up-and-up. I could be wrong, but I got the vibe that SAD’s husband is passive-aggressively trying to ditch her. There could be any number of reasons (he’s gay, he’s unbalanced, he’s just a dickweed) and it could be conscious or unconscious or semiconscious. But I have the sneaking suspicion that he’s trying to get *her* to dump *him* because he doesn’t have be balls to do it, and that when she continues to be kind and reasonable about his selfishness, he’s going to wig out and either a) keep pushing the dickweed envelope hoping to reach her breaking point, or b) dump her and make it look like she’s at fault (as Dan’s pointed out in the past, fairly easy to do when you’re the “monogamous” partner in the relationship).
I hope I’m wrong, I hope Dan’s right, I hope everything works out for SAD. I just got a vibe.
I could have done without eating my cheerios whilst reading that whole frozen cum… recipies… restaurants thing. I try so hard NOT to be grossed out by what turns others on… but must make mental note to NOT read Dan Savage whilst eating breakfast (or lunch, or dinner, or afternoon tea for that matter) in future.
In response to SAD, yeah, I’d check out what he’s checking out. Online porn fantasies can be so far removed from reality.
“Through specific breathing patterns and concentration…”
What a total crock of bullshit. There’s no specific breathing patterns or concentration required, dipshit. You get to a point where you’re just about to come, you stop, hold off for a few seconds, then give just enough extra stimulation to come a little bit – usually not more than what would be in pre-come. And voila, you’re still hard.
Save this made-up tantric bullcrap for your next YMCA class, where you can bastardize other Oriental traditions.
FIRST may be closer to the truth with her comment on him being “practically asexual.” http://www.asexuality.org/home/general.h…
It would explain why he still jacks off- it feels good- but why he can’t muster the enthusiasm to actually fuck her. Still doesn’t excuse the fact that he didn’t tell her, especially if he knew about it from previous relationships.
#1 is IMPOSSIBLE! I mean, we all know that all guys are permanent horndogs and women just give it up in exchange for money and emotional intimacy, right? Right?
God, I fucking dry heaved three times during that last question.
I’m surprised no one has mentioned depression yet as a possibility for SAD’s husband. It can make you lose interest in sex. Not necessarily the drive, but just the effort it takes.
It’s no different than when depression makes it difficult to leave the house. You can still go to work, but doing something that intellectually you know would be fun just isn’t worth the effort.
Masturbation would take the edge off quickly without the effort it takes to actually have sex.
okay, i’m fucking filthy and do gross stuff, but FROZEN SPERMSICLES? that’s fucking obscene.
SAD said she and her new husband had a “long distance relationship until she got pregnant”.
I agree with the posters who get a bad vibe from SAD’s husband of a little more than a year who won’t have sex with her, just beats off to porn. I think this guy is depressed (and probably a closet gay); is depressed at now being married-with-child and wants O U T. Wonder if he’s a Republican?
Hajj, you seem to misunderstand. What you’re describing is the “stop and start” technique, where you stop just before you orgasm.
The Tantric and Eastern traditions come in when you try to orgasm without ejaculation. Many Eastern cultures believed that ejaculation was actually harmful to the health: we now know this isn’t true, but the orgasm techniques they developed can lead to greater sexual pleasure and more/longer orgasms. When you can orgasm without ejaculation, you can have more orgasms, and each one can last longer, leading to more pleasure.
Hajj – I’ve gotta say, you made me laugh out loud at work. Well done. Thank you, sir.
Sorry, Dan, but not all deflowerings are awkward. But I’m in the extremely rare position of having lost my virginity to, and having taken the virginity of, my soulmate/spouse. I can honestly say it was everything I could have hoped for and more.
Hey you, yeah you, the one reading all the comments. You probably eat your cum, don’t you? If you do, I hope you find some good recipies in the natural harvest.
DEAR FIRST: After you’ve taken Dan’s advice, step by step, then, climb on top! Don’t let him be on top for the first time. You stay in charge, help him see when he’s in, help him feel the rhythm, control the speed so he doesn’t cream in two seconds. He doesn’t know enough yet to be on top. Also, keep those lights on.
DEAR SAD: Yes, maybe he’s depressed, but don’t let the possibility distract you from making him deal with his behavior.
For SAD, it may be that her partner has intimacy issues, that “doing it” with a real live person is too scary.
Well, that did it.
I considered myself practically unsquickable. (Licking your jizz off your girlfriend? Practically vanilla.)
But slurping frozen spunkcicles? That made me shriek. I read the whole thing with both hands clamped over my mouth. Why it’s sexy-hot when it’s fresh and warm and gaggy-gross when frozen, I have no idea.
A gal-pal of mine had me make sperm-cubes. I would jack off into the ice cube tray enough times to make a ice cube or two. Then, she would make a alcoholic drink and use these cubes to cool the liquor. It was fun to watch her drink up! I didn’t want to be drinking it, but she loved going down on me so this was a bonus round for her.
maybe that neglected chick is REALLY BAD IN BED. or has a style in bed he’s not that into…
I howled with laughter when I saw the back of that book. Holy shit.
I personally love tasting come, but I understand Dan’s gross out over the frozen stuff. If it does not come straight out of the dick, I can’t handle it. My boyfriend wanted to come in me (in a condom) and then have me eat it out of the condom and I just could not do it.
Cummy is Yummy in my tummy !
i’ll never understand what is particularly sexy about semen. a man’s ass, cock, body face, etc: sexy. his spunk? meh.
for other FIRSTs: the book “The Guide to Getting It On” http://www.amazon.com/Guide-Getting-Univ…
has a great chapter on the first time.
I love the Bitman reference!
FIRST, I’ve sorta been in your shoes. My now-husband was a 23-year-old penetration virgin and I was a 21-year-old newly single mom when we started dating. We spent months (well, three) doing everything but “it”. By the time we finally had penetrative sex, we were experts in making each other orgasm in a variety of ways and we were desperate to fuck each other senseless (no stage fright). I think Dan’s advice was good… take penetration off the table for now and take the time to really figure out each other’s hot buttons.
Dan always seem to prefer an open marriage when divorce is the glaringly obvious choice. Move on SAD asap. Get a new husband and a new father figure for your young child. Leave your present dysfunctional jerk to jerk off to his porn and to continue to have his truly meaningful relationships with his computer and his hand.
Go now and never look back.
I almost threw up several times while reading CATCP’s letter. I feel like a screaming pre-pubescent girl in health class being forced to watch graphic videos of a birth “to make us think twice about getting knocked up.” Ew ew ewwwww
Divorcing someone you love isn’t easy – and I think it should be a last resort if nothing else is working. If SAD and her husband are OK with an open marriage, then why should they have to sacrifice their family for someone else’s idea of what’s right?
However – it doesn’t just sound like SAD misses *sex*; it sounds like SAD misses *sex with this guy*, which an open marriage won’t solve. I agree that depression or laziness could be a factor, but what about performance anxiety or shame issues from childhood? If he thinks sex is “dirty,” then porn and masturbation are a way of taking care of his needs almost in secret, and not dirtying the woman he loves. If he’s been belittled in previous relationships, he could have very low self-esteem in bed, and think that if he had sex with this hot woman with the amazing ass who all the other guys keep hitting on, she’d be totally underwhelmed and leave him, so he avoids it as much as possible. In that situation, his wife bragging about how much other guys want her could actually be making the problem *worse*.
SAD should do a porn photo shoot with her hubby. Her lame ass hubby might get off on it, and they would be able to sell it also. Post the URL for us if you do.
Dan,
You should come to Fremont on the 21st…. we can share a good laugh over the frozen popcans in the tundra.
Baggies of sperm?
Really.
I hadn’t thought of that.
Well, I guess that’s one way to shake up the “proteen” enablers.
Looking for “The Virgin Project” and can’t find it?
Check out http://www.thevirginproject.com for a list of retailers. Or you can order it straight off the website.
Ok eating your own cum isn’t as gross as it might seem but at room temp it is gross. Why would anyone want to freeze it and eat it? Feels the need to gag. And prays that his kids never have a friend wondering what is in the baggie.