My husband and I have been
together for about four years and have been married for a little over a
year. He’s 31; I’m 27. We started out as friends and soon began a
long-distance relationship, until I got pregnant. We have a great
friendship, and honestly I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. Here’s
our problem: I have the sex drive of a 16-year-old boy, whereas he’s
practically asexual. The fact that we even got pregnant is quite
shocking.
Early on, it didn’t bother me
much—infrequent sex is common in long-distance
relationships—but now that we’re married, he would still rather
jack off to porn. I’m not hideous. I’m in great shape, my “amazing ass”
gets hit on all the time, and I’m an open-minded, porn-
loving
girl—but my husband isn’t interested. LAME. The sex he does give
me is quasi-forced, strictly missionary, and at most three times a
year. But the solo sex he has in front of the computer while I’m at
work happens three times a week at least. LAMER.
The topic has been discussed often.
Especially after I go out with friends and come home at an indecent
hour, upon which I must explain that I spent the night being chatted up
by blokes who noticed my “amazing ass.” He’s admitted that his sex
drive has been a problem in his previous relationships. I guess I’m
just getting to the point where one of these days, I’m going to fuck a
minor-league soccer team. Any thoughts?
Sexless And Desperate
Your husband—who is beating off three
times a week in front of the computer—is interested in sex, SAD.
He’s just not interested in sex with you or anyone else he’s ever been
with. But ultimately, the issue here isn’t sex. It’s about neglect and
selfishness and false advertising. (When we marry, we’re signing up to
fuck someone at least semiregularly for decades. Not interested
in fucking? Don’t marry.) Since he’s unlikely to change his
ways—his stunted, sexually selfish ways—you have just two
options: an open relationship or a new relationship.
Considering your compatibility and the fact
that you have a child, I’d encourage you to stay together. So an open
relationship it is—and he shouldn’t have a problem with that. If
sex doesn’t matter to him, if he’s indifferent to sex and/or you, then
it shouldn’t matter to him if you occasionally do this supremely
unimportant thing with other people and/or minor-league soccer teams.
So long as you’re a good and loving partner and coparent, and so long
as your family is your first priority, you should be free to seek safe,
sane, and nondisruptive sex elsewhere. Added perk for him: no more
quasi-forced sex with you.
And who knows? Maybe knowing that you’re
having sex with other dudes—or just knowing that you can have sex with other dudes—will cause your husband to develop a
bad case of sperm-competition syndrome (Google it), and the husband
will be inspired, fucking you three times a week instead of his
fist.
I’m 21, female, and pretty
experienced. The guy I’m dating now is 23 and a virgin. I’d really like
to avoid some of the awkwardness that I’m sure is going to arise,
seeing as I’m his first. (And has arisen—the first time we
attempted to do the deed, he was so nervous he couldn’t stay hard; he
also thought he was “in” when, in reality, he was humping my leg.) I’m
at a loss. Obviously this is going to take a lot of communication in
the moment; aside from that, do you have any advice for how to make
this less awkward for both of us?
First Isn’t Really Sexy Time
Mess around a few times—at least a
half a dozen times—with vaginal penetration off the menu,
ratcheting down the performance anxiety for your boy. Once he’s seen
that, yes, his dick does work—yes we can get hard, yes
we can stay hard, yes we can blow a load with a woman in the
room—then you can move on to vaginal intercourse. And take
control, FIRST: Tell him—as sexily as possible—what you’re
going to do before you get started, tell him what you’re doing while
you’re doing it, and then you can tell him when he’s “in” instead of
letting him guess.
And, finally, a little required reading for
the virgins out there and the people who are about to fuck some sense
into them: The Virgin Project. Illustrators K. D. Boze and
Stasia Kato interviewed all sorts of people—gay, straight, bi;
young, old, ancient—about their loss-of-virginity experiences.
The illustrated stories in The Virgin Project are moving,
hilarious, and heartbreaking in turn—sometimes all three at
once—and knowing that everyone’s first time is awkward, and that
some folks’ first times are unpleasant, and that most of us survive
them, might be good for your virgin, FIRST. It couldn’t hurt you to be
reminded of those things, either.
I appreciated your responses to Missing Kisses and Loses Interest Quickly, and I would like to share
what worked for me some years ago when I wanted to taste my own come
but was hesitant—and I’ve got two follow-up questions for
you.
My girlfriend (now wife), like LIQ’s wife,
was frustrated that my come-eating ambitions would disappear after
climax. So we figured out a way for me to eat it before I climaxed: I
masturbate into a ziplock bag and put it in the freezer. Then during
our lovemaking session we retrieve the baggie—she feeds it to me
in frozen chunks, or she lays the frozen pieces on her body and I lick
it up as it melts, preclimax of course. Because of these baby steps,
now on special occasions I even eat it “fresh” after I’ve come in
her.
Two questions: Could home-frozen
sperm—stored for 24 hours or so in a regular household
freezer—impregnate my wife? And if so, is there a risk of birth
defects or miscarriage? Also, we are interested in using my ejaculate
as an ingredient in cooking—are you aware of any legit recipes
that use human semen?
Coming Around To Cream Pies
Frozen spermsicles gross me out,
CATCP, and I arrive at this debate with a real affection for the stuff.
So I can’t imagine your idea will catch on, even among guys like you
and LIQ. Another reader had a better idea: a little tantric woo-woo.
“Through specific breathing patterns and concentration, you can make
yourself come without ejaculating; or you can ejaculate a little and
still be hard,” writes Mr. F. “I can bring myself to a ‘mini-orgasm’
where I just slightly come on my girlfriend’s tits, go right
back to riding her again, and tease her by licking a bit off. She
loves it.”
As for your questions…
“Sperm frozen in a household freezer would
probably be useless for insemination,” says David E. Battaglia, an
associate professor at Oregon Health & Science University and a
fertility consultant. “The issue isn’t genetic damage (there probably
wouldn’t be any). The issue is sperm survival. Sperm has to be frozen
in special solutions in order to survive, and we freeze it in
liquid-nitrogen temperatures.”
And while I’ve never cooked with
sperm—if it’s not in Mark Bittman’s How to Cook
Everything, it was either meant to be eaten raw or not at
all—there’s a cookbook out there for you: Natural Harvest: A
Collection of Semen-Based Recipes.
I don’t think SAD’s husband is anti-sex, I think he has a PORN ADDICTION. Men who watch porn all the time have a false sense of what a real woman does and the intimacy that happens between two people–and yes, it’s selfish because they think they can “do it better by myself”. He’s having a wonderful sex life, SAD, he just doesn’t need you for it. Tell him to stop watching porn is my advice… cut him off cold-turkey. It’s not healthy anyway!!
Hmm..interesting..I thought people wanted their food without urine…or sperm….isn’t that why you stay away from the soup du jour? and Paseos’ Midnight Cuban Roast?
p.s
please dont’ stay away from the midnight cuban roast, because whatever that aioli sauce is made of..it has to have crack in it. just like Frites!
Hey you, yeah you, the one reading all the comments. You probably eat your cum, don’t you? If you do, I hope you find some good recipies in the natural harvest.
Yes Toodels, I DO eat my own cum, AND my partners. Do you need anyone to eat yours?? I agree with many of the posts…. it’s best when it’s hot and fresh.
SAD
You may have a fine ass indeed, but contrary to popular belief most men need more than that for intimate relationships. Divide your relationship up into threes. Look and yourself, look at him, and look at the dynamic of what you create together. I am more empathy for you husband really. I was in a relationship where my sexual interest was pretty much lost as well. For me, it had to do with past sexual abuses and the dysfunction of the relationship I was in. Little did I know the lack of sexual interest with people and compensating with fantasy was just a coping mechanism. Fortunately, I was able to work through that (eventually with help) into a wonderfully satisfying sex life. The best sex I ever had! Glorious wonderful sex mmmm….I digress. If that is the case with your husband than I hope you will show him some support and sympathy. Hell, get some help at Shepherds Services in Seattle. It is one of the few male-positive places I found. Anyway…if it is like my experiences your husband need less judgment and more support….Labeling him as selfish and stunted is truly ignorant and misandrist.
SSDD
I used to work at a national chain fast food place where more than one employee (not me of couse) enjoyed adding their own special sauce to the cole slaw in particular. So if u eat out anywhere, come is probably the least disgusting adulterant in your mouth. Probably one of those things it’s best to shove far out of awareness so you can go on living, like the Bush years.
I used to work at a national chain fast food place where more than one employee (not me of couse) enjoyed adding their own special sauce to the cole slaw in particular. So if u eat out anywhere, come is probably the least disgusting adulterant in your mouth. Probably one of those things it’s best to shove far out of awareness so you can go on living, like the Bush years.
SAD and her husband should consult a marital counseling or a counselor that specializes in sexual issues. I feel for SAD…after 12 years the sex is still great and everyone is entitled to great sex with their partner for the rest of their lives together.
Cockbook, not cookbook.
You’re right, SAD’s husband is interested in sex. However, he has a fetish that he is embarrassed to discuss with the wife. It’s tough to break to your wife that you’re into incest/pedophilia and what not. If SAD made a promise to her husband not to “freak out” to whatever his fetish is, she would be amazed at his sex drive. Trust me, Daddy/Daughter roleplay changed my life. It helped me realize that I’m not into kids, I’m just into the power dynamic and taboo idea. My gf of 10 years loves the idea too, she was on board from day 1 and can’t get enough of the roleplay.
Peace,
Colin
This is not exactly on topic but I thought I’d share anyways. I knew this gay couple about 10 years ago, went to their place a few times for parties. I was always mystified by a couple jars in their bathroom with this nasty brown stuff in them. When I finally asked what they were, they told me they had challenged each other to a ‘pump contest’ and that they jars held a few months worth of their sperm. Nasty. Nothing gets funky like old come. I stopped going to their parties.
Dan, I’m surprised by the tone of your response to SAD. People can legitimately be asexual, as in not feeling attraction to other human beings. (The website linked above by another commenter has some good information.) Just because someone lacks a sex drive does not necessarily mean they are emotionally stunted, immature, selfish, damaged, abused, depressed, addicted to porn, lacking in exercise, secretly gay, self-loathing, malnourished, have intimacy issues, secretly despise their partner, or anything else.
Also, I disagree with you that asexuals shouldn’t marry–what right does anyone have to deny them that right? So long as everyone involved is honest about expectations, I don’t see why they couldn’t.
If your partner does not want to have sex with you it is never a mystery and the answer is always the same.They just are not into you.So dont beat your head against the wall or look for mysterious answers.The answer is always the same ,they are not into you.The longest you should put up with a sexless relationship is 3 seconds.After 3 seconds you should realize they are just not into you and thats all……..
Sparky– Sure, that’s great, if he had told her up front he was asexual. But in this case he wasn’t honest about expectations.
so much grosser than gay sex? you think straight sex isn’t gross? guess again, fatty.
I agree with Sara, the dude has a porn addiction. If he quit it, he’d probably be up for some actual in-the-flesh lovin’, but good luck getting him to quit. He’d have to really want to. Maybe if she actually was planning on leaving him, he might wake up. Or he might not. There are groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous which help their members deal with stuff like this.
Coming Around to Cream Pies by far posted the FUNNIEST question I have ever read on SL. Honestly….could not help but laugh outloud!!
I was with a guy who gradually lost interest in having sex with me and believe me, it never gets any better. I wasted three years trying to fix the situation. Wish I had gotten out sooner!
what do you mean restaurants?!?!
Tell FirstTimeIsn’tReallySexy to try a few things: First, read “The Guide to Getting it On” and let him look at the professional drawings of what you look like down there. Second, give each other total body massages with intercourse off the menu, as dan suggests.
Third, after a few of these massage sessions, so that he knows what gets you hot, and where your parts are, make love with the lights on, on top of the sheets. Or better yet, you be on top. That way you know it’ll go where and when you want it to go.
Make it fun, and relax!
sexless needs to hear herself when she says sexless and desparate. DTMFA. DTMFA.
SAD’s husband is probably cheating on her. She should follow him or hire a detective before she wastes any more of her time on him. My husband’s low sex drive and fatigue was due to his mistress and his visits to sex clubs. He lied for years with a straight face.
Oh yeah, my dear hubby also claimed he was maturbating at home. He lied. He had a number of live mistresses.
Sexless And Desperate needs to dump her husband. He’s not into her and I don’t think an open relationship is the way to go. An open relationship should be a desired option, not a desparate attempt to keep things together–not even for the sake of a child. They’ll probably be better parents to the child if they’re apart instead of together. Good luck.
I hope Mark Bittman reads this.
There could be all kinds of reasons that SAD’s husband is denying her a decent sex life…but what it comes down to is that they’re incompatible on a pretty damn fundamental level, and it doesn’t look like it’s gonna get fixed. Could be porn addiction, asexuality, resentment about being shoved from a long-distance relationship to a real-time relationship, fear/dislike of parenthood, any number of things. But it ain’t gonna work.
Dan,
Please please tell me this is something you set up to promote saddlebacking – it’s the 7th google response when you search ‘christ.’ If not, it’s horrifying.
http://www.sexinchrist.com/
I just vommed in m mouth when I got to the “any good recipes” part.
No! No! No! Say it ain’t so! I love sperm straight from the source but I will never again eat cooked food knowing there’s a possibility that sperm could be one of the ingredients.
It’s going to be tough eating salad forever. Thanks a lot
To the woman who’s husband prefers porn to sex with her I say try acting out the porn he so loves to jack off too! Other than that find a buck to fulfill that itch! Quit bitching! To the girl trying to deflower her virgin – I say when you talk him through it, try being a bit dirty to keep that woody stiff. Cuz ain’t nothing more mood killing than some tech talk! And use some lube to aid him getting “in”!
xo
Rants, Thoughts & Merde
http://rantsthoughtsmerde.blogspot.com/2…
Does anybody else find FIRST’s letter disturbing in its larger social implications? The whole scenario seems like a prime example of the benefits of abstinence only sex education. (That would be sarcasm.)
Although I’m female, I can see how it would be difficult on one’s first go round to tell if your penis is inside your partner. But, geez wouldn’t you look down at some point?
FIRST doesn’t include that much detail so I realize that what I’m about to say is pure speculation, but I’m detecting a lack of hand and eye involvement which suggests a squeamishness about body parts and sex.
I’m no swinger and my tastes run to the vanilla but even early on in my sex life, if my partner were mistakenly humping my leg I would have lent a guiding hand to get penetration going. Having had the benefit of learning about sex just before the rise of the Christian right and the Reagan revolution took hold, this kind of stuff was less of an issue for me, my sexual partners and my friends.
Re: SAD
I’d wager that her husband either isn’t attracted to her because he’s actually gay or is uncomfortable with emotional intimacy (more on that later). If he were truly asexual he wouldn’t be jerking off to internet porn. I agree w/ other posters who’ve said that it would be helpful to know what kind of porn he’s looking at as it might (emphasis on might here) explain what’s going on. I would only advocate snooping as a last resort though. I think SAD should ask him about it first.
The standard line these days is that people who have kids should stay married for the sake of the kid(s). Maybe that’s correct, I don’t know, I’m not a parent. In any case, something’s got to give.
Since this is an ongoing issue for her husband, he would benefit from therapy. A letter can only reveal so much, but from what SAD has written, it sounds like he might have difficulty w/ the intimacy associated with sex with someone you love and live with (i.e. the contempt bred from familiarity, pimples, bad breath, cellulite, nose hair, farts and all, or, more importantly, the buzz-killing vulnerability of being soclose to someone who knows all your weaknesses and could hurt you). He might be also be a sexual abuse survivor.
That said, it would be a good experiment for SAD to suggest that they view porn together and see what happens. If any of the above I mentioned is true, this suggestion might get a good conversation going.
I was momentarily disgusted by the comesicle letter, but then just couldn’t stop laughing about recipe ideas.
Damn, that’s funny. Thanks for the laughs!
“RESTAURANTS???”
SAD’s guy has intimacy issues. Mos def.
It’s not that different than a girl I know who habitually does it only when drunk, only in the dark, and only once or twice with the same guy before moving on. She’s only comfortable interacting with men on certain levels of intimacy while avoiding other levels of intimacy. Obviously the levels are different for SAD’s guy, but I suspect the underlying psychology is the same.
I have always been a big fan of the late, great Robert Anton Wilson, best known for “The Illuminatus Trilogy.” Someplace in there, he describes an act of alchemical ritual sex in which a couple make love while the woman is menstruating; the man has to make sure the woman has come before coming in her. This is the “mixing of the red and white essences.” The next step is for the man to go down on the woman until she comes again, and then kiss her with a mouth full of menstrual blood and sperm, which they share and swallow. There is a great deal of alchemical symbolism in this, but as my copy of the book is currently in storage, y’all will have to look it up for yourselves.
My wife and I used to do this when she was young enough to have periods. I had no problem keeping my steam up to enthusiastically go down on her, but sometimes she would have orgasmed so intensely by the time I went down on her that SHE was the one who ran out of steam…it was part of my yogic practice that this was my only orgasm of the month, which may have had something to do with it. My experience is that, until I had a fairly well developed meditation practice, I had no way to deal with the energy generated by becoming sexually aroused and not coming…but that’s another topic, and I’ve gone on long enough…
PS you have to do this when the woman’s period has just started, or she COULD get pregnant….
The SAD couple and those that comment on them make interesting reading.
I always thought open marriages are at their best when the primary couple are at the top of their game with respect to each other and the extras act as a spicy complimentar activity. It is a shame that people are often lured into extramarital sex when marital sex is crap and use it as a replacement with result that the marriage is subject to rapid destructive testing. Perhaps that is the point here, cut to the chase – kill or cure
I am not sure the quitters are solving anything by moving on whenever their current situation proves wanting.
I always am amazed when people say that companionships/ marraiges are meanigful and rewarding on so many levels and sex is only one of them. Girls will often be quick to defend this view. Yet when the sex goes wrong the standard (almost) presumption is to torch it all!
Getting it together 24/7 after a long distance courtship is going to be bloody hardwork for both them.
My tip, for what it is worth, is to build trust and communicate. It is not easy. You have got to de pressure the situation. Get professional help. It takes time. You will know you are getting somewhere when he feels comfortable fully sharing his pornographic fantasies with you (and vice versa). You will find it is very hard and will catch yourself witholding information because you don’t know if they can handle without becoming judgemental. The key is trust! And trust takes time.
My wife and I have recently started turning a corner having seen sex marginalised to rock bottom whilst we had kids (3, 2& 1 yo). Until December we only had a 1 bedroomed flat!! As a counter argument to the porn addiction people, are you sure that you have got the direction of causality correct!! My wife and I both found that when actual sex was dysfunctional we compensated by masterbating more. We are only finding this out now. She used to do it during her long luxurious baths and me whilst on the loo or computer. It is the economy of effort (quick simple and uncomplicated) as well as much less likely to disturb the kids.
We are now getting it back sexually as a couple. We have made breakthroughs in our ability to communcate sexually. Last night for the first time in nine years my wife was confident enough in me and our marraige to say that she has occassionaly and momentarily used lesbian fantasies to get her over the edge to orgasm.
Re: FIRST. I had massive issues with my first time and still don’t get on well with the missionary postion. My best is girl on top. I’ve never been able to see it going in from the missionary. I never get convincing penetration or rhythm in the missionary and most often go off the boil sooner than come. Esp if, as girls are apt to do, they keep their feet and legs on the bed rather than up behind their ears!!
S.A.D. left out two important things: 1) WHAT is her hubby jerking off to? and 2) WHAT is she trying to do to get him more interested in fucking her? If the guy is jerking off to oral/anal porn online and she flat out refuses to even TRY either of those, then she’s not GGG and maybe needs to try something new. OR if her idea of sex involves gas-powered toys and circus monkeys in tiny gimp-suits, while he’s jerking off to missionary style port, maybe she needs to tone it down a few notches! No, it’s not all about what HE wants…but it sounds like there is a SEVERE lack of communication between them. And THAT should be their first step to a better sex life – not looking for a new dick to ride. Of course, if he’s jerking off to gay porn, BBW porn or bestiality porn, maybe there IS no hope for them…
I don’t mind the taste of jizz, but I so do not want it on my creme brulee.
To the first wife, you can find in wikipedia the list of minor league soccer teams in the US.
Wow…I am a healthcare provider and a Dan fan and I thought I heard it all but I have never been so grossed out. Sperm snacks? ugh.
BTY, to Sexless…I married (and divorced) a piece of shit like you did and am pretty sure he is a sexually stunted pedophile and closeted head case. This behavior is not normal and is a symptom of something pathologic. Watch out!
An open marriage is not the answer for SAD’s situation, more likely a cheap & short compensation. She’ll fall in love with someone else and the marriage will be over sooner than later. So, why don’t go all the way thru now instead of dumping some more years of your lives off the cliff trying something that will not work? He needs something that is not in this marriage, perhaps some psycological help, perhaps some unfulfilled fantasy, but SAD shouldn’t expect changes in his behaviour unless he wants those changes, which doesn’t seem to be the case.
Positively sickening and disgusting…Frozen sperm,smoked salmon and lettuce sarnie.Sickening!!!
God, I am so sick of everyone getting all teary-eyed and saying “Maybe so and so is depressed! They need HELP!” whenever one partner starts treating the other partner like week old bread.
You’ve probably heard this from a bajillion people already, but just in case you haven’t, people who aren’t interesting in fucking do have one alternative to not getting married: they can marry someone who is *also* not interested in fucking.
It really sounds as if the husband in the first letter has an addiction to porn. i was with a guy that had this problem at one point- he really had to work hard to get over it. Basically – he was addicted to online pornography- and when he jacked off to it during the week, he couldn’t get it up with me on weekends. But if he abstained… well, then he got a raging hard-on and was all happy to make a go of it.
i think the wife should insist the husband abstain from porn for a while. He should make a serious attempt to stay off his drug of choice- and bone his wife instead. After a while, he will recondition himself. (It took us a few months to work through the issue.)
While I am not not ‘anti-porn’ per se– I am very ‘pro marital sex’. Anyone has a right to expect a healthy sexual relationship with their married partner. The wife should demand this, rather than allowing her husband to deny her.
Eating sperm – great! But only if your hetero boyfriend is cool with eating your menstrual blood and chunks.
Virgins – both of you have to cum before having intercourse. Those are the rules. Even if it takes months. Because if you (okay, he) isn’t willing to work for that, he probably won’t be willing to do it once you’re fucking missionary stylez.
Have you guys heard that Coastal Kitchen is going from hand cut fries to frozen ones. What is the world coming to?
I deal every day with people who “suffer” from “micropenis”. Most of them think because I am a landlord, they can automatically assume I’m in the wrong and some type of asshole. The truth is that these small penis holders need to get therapy.
My boyfriend and I enjoy saving up all of our cum for a week or so than we make margiritas out of it and have sex right after.
RE: Semen-based recipes
Thanks to your enlightening me on the subject of semen-based recipe books, I will never again be able to think of the term “natural harvest” without grimacing.
And yet…I had to google it. Turns out there’s a sample recipe from the book floating around out there. It is a smoothie made with soy milk, bananas, and kiwi fruit (plus the sine qua non, jizz). Imagining the taste of this shake almost provoked a natural-harvest reaction of my own (sure hope nobody wrote a book with recipes based on THAT).
Then, in the middle of the night, I awoke and it hit me: kiwis and bananas, hahahahaha. Let me guess what some of the other recipes might be:
* Sausages and meatballs Alfredo
* Hot dogs a la king
* Vanilla-iced crullers and donut holes
* Baked zucchini with risotto parmesan croquettes
So my question to you is, “Do you think this book is for real? What kind of name is Fotie Fotenhauer, anyway?”
Simultaneously grossed out and in hysterics,
Suspicious (of) Phallic Urges Near Kitchen Yogurt
lol @ laya… restaurants…