I recently discovered,
accidentally, while moving things out of my 16-year-old son’s room
prior to a renovation, a cache of my sex toys that had mysteriously
disappeared over the past year. While I’ve wondered how it was possible
to misplace a glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with
Jesus in relief), it never dawned on me that it might be an inside
job.

This raises several issues. There’s the
you-stole-my-stuff problem, with responses available from the full
range of the passive-aggressive scale. But the nature of the swag
complicates matters. I kind of need to know whether he took them to
snicker over with his friends or whether he has used them. I’m dead
certain if he’s used my insertables, that he did so without putting
condoms on them first.

So it seems I need to force the
you-stole-my-stuff conversation in order to have the safe-toy-use
conversation. Suggestions?

Discomfited Aged Deviant

You’re gonna have to have a long talk with
the little shit, DAD.

First, apologize for
snooping—accidentally, of course, during “a renovation.” Uh-huh.
Then bring up the sex toys. Be matter-of-fact about it, DAD, but firm
enough to communicate a sense of violation: He violated your privacy
and your glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo, a sex toy that was
consecrated to your orifice(s) and your orifice(s) alone. (“Your
orifice(s)” refers to your own personal orifice, DAD, as well as the
orifices of your chosen sex partners, a position that is not—one
hopes—open to your 16-year-old son.) Don’t let on that you’re
embarrassed, even if you are—force a smile, if you can.

Then turn the tables on your son and
embarrass the shit out of the little shit: Ask him if he was
penetrating himself with your crucidildo, and ask him if he has any
questions about sex toys in general or butt toys in particular. He’ll
insist that he wasn’t sticking that thing in his
ass—although we both know he was—because he’ll want to end
this conversation as quickly as possible. Your job, DAD, is to drag…
this… talk… out… to achieve maximum mortification.

Tell him that you’re aware that he might be
too shy to admit to using butt toys or to ask for info about the proper
use of butt toys, so… you’re going to walk him through butt-toy
safety and etiquette just to be on the safe side. Then explain it all
to him. Tell him about the importance of using lots of lube, of washing
sex toys with hot water and a little soap after each use, of putting
condoms over them for safety’s sake—and tell him about how one
preps an orifice to accept a glow-in-the-dark crucifix (and just how
many “Our Fathers” one has to say for penance after doing such a
thing). Conclude by pointing out that sex toys aren’t something people
share (particularly with their parents), so the one you’d been using,
the one he stole and used himself, is going to have to be deconsecrated
now, i.e., disposed of. Then offer to get him one of his own and a
bottle of lube.

The point is to make him feel bad for
invading your privacy and swiping your stuff, DAD, but not for whatever
it was he might have done with your stuff. A nice long talk about butt
toys—safe use, storage, ethical procurement—will make him
realize that violating your privacy and stealing your sex toys invites
conversations that he doesn’t want to have with his dad.

My wife of three years has a
problem with me masturbating. At one point, we made a deal that I
wouldn’t do it while she’s in the house. That would be just fine with
me, except that she is rarely out of the house without me. Our sex is
really, really great, but I’m pretty horny and I like to masturbate
once in a while. She says that she feels like I’m cheating on her.
About a year ago, I DID cheat on her—yes, I’m an idiot—and
maybe this is my punishment, but I’ve always needed to masturbate a
lot. I do it to relieve stress and sometimes just because I get horny
and I want to stop being horny in a minute or two so that I can
concentrate on something else. This just doesn’t have very much to do
with her, and I feel stupid trying to justify myself to her on this
matter. How do you think I should resolve this situation?

Jerk Off

When someone you love is irrational and
controlling about some aspect of your private life that doesn’t involve
or affect her—say, your masturbatory routine, JO—you have
two options.

First, you can waste a lot of time and
energy trying to talk her out of being irrational and controlling and
idiotic. That approach is unlikely to make things better, and it could
make matters worse: “Gee, you must really love to beat off without me
around, seeing as you’re really going to the mat for this.”

Your second, and far superior, option is to
tell her what she wants to hear—”For you, I won’t
masturbate”—and then beat off when you want to or when you need
to and lie about it. Beat off on the kitchen table when she’s out of
the house; slip away for 10 minutes to take a “crap” or a “nap” when
she’s home. So long as you’re an attentive lover and you’re not
neglecting her needs, and so long as you’re not inconsiderately leaving
evidence all over the place (wash out your own crusty come socks), feel
free to work around her irrationality with a little harmless
deceit.

I dislike a lot of things about your column: I disagree with your stance on religion and I’m
against homosexual marriage. But I love reading your column: It’s like
a car wreck—I have to look. So I have a question for you.

I am a 32-year-old heterosexual married man.
My wife and I have a great sex life. We have been married just over a
year. She is pretty open to just about anything, except ONE thing: When
she is blowing me, sometimes instead of coming in her mouth, I want to
come all over her face. She finds that repulsive. She normally has no
problem with swallowing my come or letting me come on her chest. But
for some reason, the face just creeps her out. She says it’s degrading.
Now, I cannot for the life of me understand how unloading on her face
is any more degrading than coming in her mouth or on her chest.

Any advice?

Facials Are Causing Embarrassment

Sorry, FACE, but your wife is correct:
Facials are degrading—and that’s why they’re so hot. Now,
I would normally arm a married man in your predicament with some killer
talking points guaranteed to convince his wife to let him blow a load
on her face, FACE, but… I’m not going to help you out. While being
denied a little sex advice doesn’t compare to being denied the right to
wed, I reserve the right to discriminate against straight married
assholes who support discrimination against me.

Now, if there’s a married straight man out
there who supports marriage equality and wants some advice on talking
the wife into facials, I would be more than happy to share my surefire,
fail-proof, 100-percent-guaranteed pro-facial arguments with
you. And if you’re a justice on the Iowa State Supreme
Court—which last week ruled unanimously in favor of marriage
equality for same-sex couples—I’ll toss in a free phone
consultation.

mail@savagelove.net

260 replies on “Savage Love”

  2. RE: Oh, ENOUGH already!

    I agree with almost everything you said, except for the part that there is no such thing as a left-wing bigot. For example, not long ago, I read about a group left-wing bigots who prevented a group of African Americans students opposed to affirmative action from presenting their views at a university forum supposedly dedicated to open discussion. I call them left-wing bigots because they used their political views to shut down the right of expression of those who they opposed (and that has nothing to do with the argument over affirmative action, which I am merely using as an example). I’ve also known left-wing bigots who curse and mock women who choose to carry Down Syndrome babies to term because of their religious views. Simply put, these are very bigoted responses to these issues.

    It is dangerous for any group to decide that it is above bigotry. We all know homophobia and white racism are real problems, but there are blacks who hate whites and target individual whites because of their hatred. There are gays who hate straights and won’t hire them or rent to them. There are Asian who hate blacks and won’t let them shop in their stores. The list goes on, and don’t try to defend it as understandable backlash. There is no moral equivalency left-wing argument that ever justifies discrimination against or an attack on an innocent person. And everyone, left-wing, right-wing, gay, black, you name it, is capable of bigotry. I just don’t think Dan is a bigot, as this is his forum where he doesn’t guarantee equal representation of opinions, and he does his damndest to be extremely open-minded anyway.

  4. FACE guy kind of stepped right into that one.. It’s funny how right wing douches can’t bare to keep their douche mouths shut sometimes, even when it could win them hot degrading sex. So he’s not only a jerk.. he’s kind of plain stupid too.

  5. so…we should be attempting to deeply embarass children who are interested in sex toy use (and can’t possibly obtain one of their own), under the guise of an educational sex talk with their parents? and this doesn’t sound at all…oh, I don’t know…completely fucked up to you?

  6. Touche on the straight, anti-homosexual dude! I was really hoping you wouldn’t give him the glory of you actually answering his post! You’re awesome!!

  7. TWJ – If you don’t like the way Dan does things, don’t read the column. It’s that simple. It’s his column and he can do whatever he wants with it. The problem is, sexuality has become political. It truly centers around human acceptance and freedom. It’s not fair for someone to condemn and consider homosexuality a “sin” but then come all over his wife’s face and consider that not a “sin” especially because one would think degradation is wrong or sinful in most aspects of life. Typically, conservative people tend to publicly condemn values that are not upheld as traditional and then they enact or participate in those actions privately. That really pisses off the liberals and the rest of us who think tradition in some respects are just outdated as well as people who fight daily for human equality.

    As of late, politics have unearthed a plethora of conservative people who actively and publicly condemn homosexuality, sex with minors, or even anal sex with someone of the opposite sex. Then, they’re found DOING THOSE ACTIONS!!! WHY?!?! What are their values then when they say one thing and then do the exact opposite? How does that make sense? I truly believe that it centers around education. Lack of education and exposure equals fear. Fear equals uneducated reason, values, and beliefs. Sexuality is one of the most polarizing political issues currently.

    There it is. Watch or read the news!

  8. I believe in the words of FACE’s Lord Jesus Christ when he said “do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and so, even though I had one of the gay marriages FACE objects to, I will reveal the secret to him. Now, now, haters, fair is fair. Remember what Christ taught us.

    It may sound awkward and complicated, but this is guaranteed to work:

    1. Put on one of those low-scoopneck undershirts that male ballet dancers wear for some reason, even when they’re at the coffeeshop.

    2. Open all the curtains and windows in the house and blast Stravinsky’s “Oedipus Rex” on the stereo.

    3. Lay on the dining room table and ask your wife to poop all over your head. Smear it in good.

    4. Go outside and yell at the top of your lungs, “Zellenberg! I’m free! I’m finally free! Zellenberg!”

    I have a friend who says his wife begged him to come all over her face after he did this. But it’s secret so don’t tell anyone.

  9. no, you’re embarrassing the kid who goes into your possessions and nicks things.

    If he’s going to rummage through your most personal stuff, he’s going to hear about how to use said items properly. Consider it a consequence (or an advantage, if the kid isn’t easily embarrassed) of his actions.

    And the point Dan makes is you don’t give the goober bad information or act embarrassed yourself–you’re actually educating the little shit.

  12. I think getting your kid a sex toy is not right. Maybe better to get them a book about various sexual issues like the Good Vibrations book, or any other teen body book. TMI!

  13. @ snoopy
    What exactly is wrong with getting your kid a sex toy? They’re going to masturbate with or without it, if they want to use a sex toy they’ll find some object that could actually hurt them. If they don’t want to use it, they won’t use it, it’s not like your 16 year old son will reluctantly anally penetrate himself because you got him a dildo.

  14. @JO – make a deal with her, your sexual tension needs release, she either allows you masturbate, or she has to be available to you. Then just any time you feel urge, require her to give you quickie. Just keep doing it and I am willing to bet she will tired of having to be “on-call” anytime you feel the urge, and she will withdraw the objection.

  16. Jade obviously does not know what sexual tension is, or what it is like to be a horny man. Why the need to jerk off and relieve the palpable sexual tension? Because our partners (women have much lower sex drives than men, on average) only give it to us a couple of times per week…if we’re lucky. Sometimes I wish my wife had a man’s sexual appetite…sigh. Is a quick jerk off healthy? Apparently not for Jade; sure is for the rest of us.

  17. TWJ: Please consider the deeper implications here.

    Dan Savage owes nothing to FACE at all. I actually thought he was extremely diplomatic. Denying FACE advice that would help him convince his wife to let him come on her face is not exactly cruel. I’m thinking that FACE will do just fine w/out this information.

    Consider the gravity of being denied the numerous benefits marriage confers to straight people–being able to make important medical decisions on your partner’s behalf, tax breaks, having your relationship not only acknowledged but celebrated by the larger community, etc., I missing a lot here and lack legal terminonlogy. Now, consider GRACE’s cavalier outing of himself as a bigot and then asking for help.

    I bet FACE never had to be careful about holding his wife’s hand or kissing her in public for fear of violent retaliation. He’s got a lotta nerve flaunting the kind of belief system that promotes hate crimes.

    FACE should really come on his own face and be done with it.

    By the way: I’m not into facials. They don’t freak me out but they don’t appeal to me either. To add to the discussion: It’s degrading because it’s kind of like seeing women as nothing but giant cunts and yeah, it smacks of domination. Some might find both of those things thrilling. I don’t, but whatever. If my partner really wanted to do it, I’d do it for him but I’d expect an equal trade. Fortunately, he’s not into it. I am happy to swallow though. It’s a gesture of acceptance. Blow jobs are also pretty easy to give and much appreciated so they’re usually a win-win, unless you’re exhausted or ill.

  18. Being an atheist who has had it up to here with fundamentalists, I give DAD 1 million bonus points for a crucifix shaped dildo. And 10 million more for one that has the christ character nailed to it.

  19. You should never wash your bedroom accessories with soap. Soap dries out the material, causes it to crack and peel and who wants to insert their glow-in-the-dark crucifix-shaped dildo (complete with Jesus in relief)that’s all crusty looking? Also if you are female soap can cause vaginal irritation (i.e. dryness & infections).

    Using a toy cleaner is the best way to take care of your toys & genital health. Here is a great cleaner to use: http://ww2.pureromance.com/PublicStore/p…

  20. To Jerk Off

    A third option is to make it very clear that you will masturbate as you see fit. Look her in the eye and tell her that under no circumstance is it any of her business ever. Your body belongs to you 24/7 365 days a year. Nobody has a right to dictate when anyone else can masturbate. If she thinks she can control this part of your life she will try to control others. Do not even humor her by lying. She is the one being unreasonable.

  21. I have to disagree with you on your comment that facials are degrading. Certainly they *can* be degrading, and often are, especially in porn, but so can anything. I find it incredibly sexy when my wife eats my cum and spills some/most of it around her mouth and licks it up. I think a fair analogy would be someone gorging themselves face first into a bowl of ice cream because they want to eat it that badly — forget the spoon, I want it all now! As a bonus, after I cum on my wife’s face, I find it very sensual to clean her up with a warm soapy washcloth and fluffy towel. And, I don’t feel degraded at all when her cum is all over my face after going down on her, or even with her ejaculating on me from g-spot stimulation. Just my 2 cents.

  22. I’m so glad you didn’t answer FACE’s question completely. Let him suffer (and I’ll suffer, too as I have the same question). But I’ll gladly suffer until we can overturn the idiotic, religious based, laws that are preventing people from being able to marry each other.

    Here’s to a complete separation of church and state.

  23. For those of you who claim that if DAD follows Dan’s advice he will thus scar his cricidildo pilfering son- not likely. My Mom took a similar approach with me and I wound up a relatively healthy 40-year-old woman with minimal scarring. For the Moms intending to follow Dan’s advice, there is an added benifit to Mom having been up front. Now that I’m an adult, we are the best of friends with very open lines of communication.

  24. olympia1970, great writing! If you’re as hot as you are smart, your husband is one lucky guy.

    Re: ‘You see, there is one enormous difference between Dan’s “righteousness” and that of the religious right. All Dan wants is to be left the hell alone to live his life in peace, to raise his kid, and to marry the person he loves. Unlike the religious right, he’s not encouraging discrimination against anyone. He’s not trying to deny the rights of marriage and parenthood to right-wing nutjobs. He’s not condemning anyone for their sexual practices or lifestyles, but only for their hypocrisy and needless meddling.”

    Well said. That’s the same difference I was pointing out to TWJ.

    Re: “For example, not long ago, I read about a group left-wing bigots who prevented a group of African Americans students opposed to affirmative action from presenting their views at a university forum supposedly dedicated to open discussion. I call them left-wing bigots because they used their political views to shut down the right of expression of those who they opposed”

    I agree that lefties can be just as intolerant of differing viewpoints as righties, and I’m a fairly staunch libertarian-liberal when it comes to freedom of speech, yet don’t most of us all draw a line somewhere? What if a group of people wanted to present their view at a university forum that — to use an outrageous example — women should be raped? And what if a group of lefties (or righties) wanted to prevent them from expressing their view? I wouldn’t have a problem with that. I don’t feel that people should be thrown in jail for their thoughts, no matter how vile, but I also don’t think they deserve to have public forums in which to present those thoughts.

  25. This “facials are degrading…facials are not degrading” argument is interesting.

    Vegetarians don’t like eating meat. That doesn’t mean that eating meat IS disgusting or horrible. Maybe it is to vegetarians but it certainly isn’t to people who love a hamburger or Tandoori chicken.

    If a woman finds facials degrading, then that’s her subjective feeling (and it should be respected by her partner.) But that doesn’t give her the right to objectively proclaim that they ARE degrading.

  27. Reading Dan’s column has always been a pleasure. Reding the column and having 175 comments to dig into, that’s an even greater pleasure. Thanks for giving us the comments section: it enhances the experience and amplifies the knowledge.

  28. I highly recommend the Baby Jesus Butt Plug for Junior, the Intermediate Jack Hammer Jesus on the Cross is by far too much for the little tyke to handle straight out of the butt toy gate!!!!

  30. sounds to me like JO just doesn’t want to deal with his wife and the myriad tiny social negotiations that have to happen when you have any kind of sex with anyone, let alone this controlling bitch — he wants to get straight to the refractory period with as little effort as possible. that eliminates the “pester her to milk you every couple of hours” strategy… so i say go with the lies.

  32. I wonder if Dan considered the possibility that the sex toy hoarder WANTED to be caught. It seems like the most logical answer. He couldn’t have believed so many toys would disappear unnoticed, and if he wanted to “borrow” them, he could have put them back after use. Of course that opens up a whole other can of worms.

  33. @anonymous
    What, pray tell, is a “gunt”?
    Call it quaint (or academic), but I subscribe to the ideal where one can passionately disagree with someone’s ideas without actually hating the person. You may already know this, but hurling personal insults is not a very effective way to persuade those who do not already agree with you.

    Posted by TWJ on April 8, 2009 at 4:24 PM

    A “gunt” is a fat lower abdomen that that hangs down over your cunt. Just like you use your fatuous highmindedness to hide your rancid bigotry.

  35. FACE, seriously? You tell a gay advice columnist that you hate him and all he stands for and have the nerve to ask for his help? Seriously? I hope life bitch slaps you. hard.

    also; YAY IOWA! <3

  36. Advice to jerk off was wrong, wrong, wrong – tell wifey that whenever you feel the need to jerk off that she must make herself available for sex. If she feels she has the right to deny you self-stimulation because she feels like that’s cheating on her than make sure that she meets all of your sexual needs whenever and wherever you need them met. Maybe once she realizes that your needs might be greater than hers and that by not meeting them you might actually find reason to cheat (with someone other than your hand) she might wake up to the reality of her stupidity. This is one very selfish woman who needs to understand that what you are doing is in no way threatening your relationship however her demands that you stop are. And while you’re allowing her to lead you around by your dick you might as well have her give it a yank or two! Do it, don’t lie about it and tell her to get over it!

  37. I’d much prefer to get my kid a sex toy than to have them sticking stupid stuff up their butt (and anyone into anal play knows that idea has crossed their mind). Any reasonable thing that can provide pleasure and possibly delay actual sexual contact with another teen shown be promoted. Fewer unwanted teen pregnancies, STD’s and HIV infections are what we should all strive for.

  38. The advice to JO was terrible. However, this is good karma for him, because cheaters are some of the worst people on the planet, so boo-fucking-hoo.

  39. I think coming on one’s face could only be considered “degrading” if you consider your lover’s essence to be something to avoid.

    And if you think that, well, you’re not my lover, right?

    Also, it seems like such a small thing to ask for – it isn’t remotely comparable to some of the other things people are describing here. If your lover desires this, and it will make him gloriously happy, then why say no?

    (I think it’s hot, sexy, and intimate.)

  40. Hey FACE, even ultra conservative columnist Cal Thomas has declared the battle against gay-marriage as over and lost (great editorial titled “Trouble in River City” in World magazine – google it). Great to see that even the neo-cons are starting to admit the reality of losing a battle they should have never started (sound familiar?). So, you too need to get over it!

  41. Dan –

    As a divorced guy who had this ‘jealousy over masturbation’ issue with an ex, let me offer that option #2 is guaranteed to backfire and make things worse. You will get caught…eventually. And the blowby from the added deception will only make it worse.

  44. Having read most of the “bigot” posts, I have to say there is a lack of self awareness (by the way, generally love Dan’s advice). The orthodoxy is that “we are only mocking Christian symbols because ALL of them are right wing bigots and they deserve it”.

    How to define bigotry? Dehumanization of the others; attributing evil characteristics to all of “them”; knowing that “we” have God (or god; or humanist beliefs; or atheism; or whatever gives “us” our moral authority).

    You simply can not show such disrespect to a fundamental symbol of a group (the cross) and claim you are not bigoted against that group. Would it have been just as funny if the adornment of the story was with a statue of Mohamed (no chance – that would require courage!) or a a lisping and prancing gay couple, or a fat lipped happy l’il negro? No, of course not. In this ‘in group’ it is ALWAYS safe to mock Christians and their symbols, because they are the ENEMY. We must destroy! Oh, you can say, well of course some of my best friends are Christians. Yes, and some of my best friends are gays or hindus or uzbekis, but I have no problem to mock them! Bigot, bigot, bigot.

    And such a pity that such a small minded embellishment to the story really ruins Dan’s EXCELLENT advice to a parent on how to handle such an awkward and difficult situation.
    Regardless of the sex toy angle, it is profoundly good advice on how to deal with this kind of thing.

    So even a bigot like Dan can offer sage advice. Can’t we all get along without small minded bigotry?

  47. perhaps i missed something in these comments, but is anyone else concerned that this guy’s horniness is so distracting that he has to masturbate and take care of it before he can do anything else? i mean, really. that’s sounding a bit like a sex addict, and having already cheated once, maybe that’s what his wife is seeing in him.

  48. What embellishment? There are glowing crucidildos — several posts have given links to about 3 different places that sell them.

  49. Um, I’d let the sex toy thing totally slide for fear that damn kid tells his teacher that you accused him of stealing your jesus dildo. At parent-teacher conferences.

  50. My hubbie is a straight married man (and CATHOLIC to boot!) who supports gay marriage…however, I let him come wherever he wants 😉

    I sense a trend…

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