My roommate is astoundingly hot. Her room is being repaired (the ceiling fell in), and, at her request, I’m letting her and her boyfriend sleep in my room while I take the couch. I’ve been able to contain my attraction just fine up to now, but the minute she entered my space I had this feeling that all bets are off. I’m considering spying on her with a hidden surveillance cam. If I had video of this girl naked, let alone being fucked, I could happily beat off to the footage for the rest of my life. Obviously it’s a breach of trust, and I’m a shitty roommate for considering it. I have a few concerns. Is this normal? Assuming that there’s no way she could find out and that I kept the video to myself and myself only, would it be so wrong? What is her reasonable expectation of privacy once she enters my room?

Thanks In Advance

Before we get to your tech-related queries, TIA, a word about a young man in Florida with tech-related troubles.

America’s current teen-sex panic—it’s always something—is about “sexting,” teenagers sending each other pictures of their sometimes-underage junk, their frequently underage racks, or their young and dimpled/pimpled rear ends. (Oh, if only we could return to the comparatively innocent and entirely fictional days of “rainbow parties”!) Shortly after the kids went crazy for sexting, the authorities went crazy for prosecuting kids for sexting. Take Phillip Alpert, an 18-year-old in Florida who got mad at his girlfriend and forwarded a digital photo of her naked to dozens of her friends and family.

This Alpert kid (he had only just turned 18) pulled an asshole move—the gaping asshole of moves—and he owes his girlfriend, her friends, and her family an apology, restitution, and a pound of flesh. (And I mean that pound.) A just, proportionate punishment might involve, say, nude pictures of Alpert being displayed on a billboard in Times Square. For a year. Instead, Alpert was convicted of distributing child porn and “sentenced to five years probation and required by Florida law to register as a sex offender,” CNN reports. “You will find me on the registered sex offender list next to people who have raped children, molested kids, things like that,” Alpert told CNN.

A message for concerned parents, outraged school officials, and teen-sex-obsessed prosecutors: We’re gonna have to either make it illegal for teenagers to own camsphonescomputers, or we’re gonna have to give them drugs to delay the onset of puberty until after they’re 18. If we’re unable or unwilling to do those things—technology is hard to contain, and delaying puberty could have unwelcome health consequences (although it would have spared Levi Johnston’s DNA from the ignominy of mixing with the Palins’)—then the intersection of horny teens and newer technologies is going to require us to rethink the simplistic application of laws that criminalize the possession and distribution of sexty (ugh) pictures, particularly in cases where they were created by teenagers, for teenagers.

Yes, Alpert was a douchebag; yes, it was wrong for him to forward that picture to embarrass and humiliate his girlfriend. But if Alpert is a child pornographer and a sex offender, so are millions of today’s teenagers. They’re all e-mailing each other pictures of their junk. Making an example of one unlucky asshole who got caught isn’t going to stop teenagers from sexting each other anymore than making an example of hundreds of thousands of unlucky pot smokers stopped people from smoking pot.

Okay, TIA, on to your question: While it’s normal to contemplate, even obsess about, something you know is wrong, secretly videotaping your roommate, even if she’s “in your space,” isn’t just an asshole move. It’s an illegal move in most places, and the consequences for asshole moves involving digital images, as illustrated above, can be dire. And until submitting to
videotaping is widely understood to be a known risk of sleeping in someone else’s bedroom, your roommate and her boyfriend have an entirely reasonable expectation of privacy.

As for no-way-she-could-ever-find-out, I could sneak into your house and use your toothbrush as a sound, and you’d never find out. And although it would hurt me more than it would hurt you, TIA, it would still be wrong—even if there was no way short of DNA testing that you would ever find out. And while you may intend to keep the video to yourself—such the gentleman—what if your laptop gets stolen? What if you take your computer in for repairs and someone makes a copy? Digital images—photos, video, whatever—are too easy to lose control over.

Don’t do it, TIA.

I am a 30-year-old female with a live-in boyfriend. While we’re not without our problems, the relationship is wonderful. My only big issue is that I don’t enjoy cohabitation. Before living with my boyfriend, I lived in a studio apartment, my little castle, and I relished having my own space. I would love to go back to us each having our own domicile, but I am afraid of losing him. The thought has been met with such criticism by my friends that it makes me wonder. Is it unusual to want your own space?

Independent But In Love

I know a nice, loving couple—married, straight, with kids—who each have an apartment in the same building. The kids’ rooms are in mom’s; the meals are prepared and eaten at dad’s. They decided to live like this because, like you, they both liked having their own spaces.

You can do it, too, IBIL. Stop worrying about what other people think and start being honest with your boyfriend about your preferred living arrangement.

As you’ve proven in the past with “santorum” and “saddlebacking,” you have considerable influence. So to reward the Vermont legislature’s recent decision to override the governor’s veto and legalize same-sex marriage in that state, why not encourage your listeners and readers to purchase products made in Vermont? And Iowa? Think of it: Your millions of fans could trade in chocolate body paint for maple syrup as the sexy edible substance of choice, all the while supporting this legislative victory and (we hope) spurring others like it.

D.J.’s Fellow Gayby

P.S. I have absolutely no stake in Vermont’s economy. I just want my dads to be able to marry
one day in the state where my family lives.

That day may come more quickly than we think, DJFG, thanks to the bravery of elected officials in Iowa and Vermont. As for rewarding those states: Like most Americans, I consume way more corn syrup than a person should (that shit’s in everything), so Iowa is covered. And I will make sure the next bottle of maple syrup I purchase is from Vermont—but I’ll be pouring it on my pancakes, thanks, not my boyfriend. Food is for after sex, people, not before, and never, ever during. Food is not a sex toy, not even chocolate.

ATTENTION JOURNALISTS: The deadline for this year’s Sexies—the Sex-Positive Journalism Awards—is approaching. The Sexies recognize writers “who stick to high journalistic standards” while reporting about sex “in a climate of repression and misinformation around human sexuality.” More info at
www.sexies.org.

mail@savagelove.net

211 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. If we shouldn’t reward states for being non-discriminatory, does that mean we should punish the states that are (discriminatory)? Last I checked the USPS won’t ship feces to state capitols. While yes, by all means it should be standard, rewarding is a better idea as humans are more likely to shrug off a punishment than they are to not pay attention to an award, or other people with awards. It’s why millions of idiots tune into the Oscars, afterall. And everything else regarding award ceremonies (sorry Dan! but the Sexies don’t really mean shit!).

  2. I’ve switched to King Arthur flour (Vermont) and wrote to them AND Gold Medal (Minnesota) to tell them I’m buying from GBTL friendly states when ever I can. Spread the word! Look where products come from! Vermont makes more than syrup!

  3. Me and my now husband (no thanks to Prop 8) have been together for 15 years and have never lived together. We even bought a house across the street from each other once wed last Sept. It’s awesome and we wouldn’t do it any other way.

  4. That TIA smells fake. Does the BF live there as well? If not, then why is she not sleeping at his place, and if so, why not mention him as another roommate?

    The weird juxtaposition of events sounds like a “How’d that happen?” Plus it’s such a fratboy fantasy, a hot roommate who you could not only spy on, but record for all posterity.

    Dan answered a more pressing issue about sexting, and used the letter to illustrate some sexual mores on privacy, which is all good. But the letter still smells fake to me.

  7. Continuing to consume corn syrup at the same rate as before isn’t really a reward for the state of Iowa. As for Vermont, virtually all maple syrup in the world is produced in Vermont or Canada, so there aren’t really huge maple syrup industries in non-gay-marriage jurisdictions to punish. Why not instead promote doing business in these places the way you promoted the Utah boycott?

  8. food+sex= yeast infections, irritation and possible gross-ness.

    duh. think about it logically for a mere millisecond and it totally makes sense.

  9. Dan, sorry I missed you a fort night ago in IC IA. Shtuff happens. FYI, the nine wise guys & gals in Des Moines are not elected. Appointed by the gov. See ya next time.

  11. TIA should just surf teh interwebs for some porn that is amateurish, has a chick that resembles his roommate, and is in a room that’s similar to his room. There’s so much porn out there, I guarantee he’ll find something close.

    Pretend it’s your roommate and pretend you webcammed it yourself and beat off to that.

  12. Green Mountain Gringo Salsa is made in Vermont, as well as beers from Long Tail Brewing and several other microbreweries.

    Bruegger’s Bagels is headquartered there, but their bagels suck.

  13. “Food is for after sex, people, not before, and never, ever during. Food is not a sex toy, not even chocolate.”

    Considering the number of women who have utilized phallic vegetables as dildoes (sometimes as the first they ever used) I’d have to disagree with
    you on that one. A well-washed carrot, cucumber or zuchinni can make a fine (and recession-savvy) sex-toy, and has the extra bennefit of tasting great in an after-sex salad. For that matter, try growing your own dildo in your garden. If you’re really worried about the danger of yeast infections (which I suspect is Dan’s concern) just put a condom on the darn thing. Also consider that they make genuine sex-toys in the shape of fruits and veggies…I once saw a cob of corn vibrator, and I’m still curious to know what all those little bumps would feel like going in.

    Darcy, don’t feel bad, we are learning together. TheUrbanDictionary.com defines Sounding as:

    “The practice of inserting plastic or metal ‘sounds’ (long thin and very smooth objects) into yours or someone elses uretha. Ultimately leads to streching of the uretha so that larger objects (such as a finger) can be inserted in the penis.”

    To think, I once paid a urologist for doing that.

  14. darcy, whatever you do, DO NOT GOOGLE IT.

    also, wondering if Savage’s food/sex issue is somehow linked to his fattie-hate issues as well.

  15. @darcy A urethral insert (and yeah it hurts about like what you’d expect). Careful kiddies – do NOT try this at home unless you really know what you’re doing, you can do some major damage.
    This is pretty sound: http://gay.stockroom.com/Flowerpin-Ureth…

    @YNH You’re right, they shouldn’t be rewarded for equality, but the current Vermont Legislature and Iowa Supreme Court should be rewarded for courage! I’m eating pancakes with Vermont maple syrup for breakfast all week long!!! – Yum!

    @Sari Yeah Dan! Why is the sound okay and some nice subtle and delicious whipped cream or chocolate sauce bad? Chocolate is MOST DEFINITELY a sex food. Maybe Dan is one of those gays who immediately looks for the towel after getting spooged on! Geez Dan, I never pegged you for a clean freak!

  16. “Allegedly…one can expand the size of one’s urethra to the point that it can fit another penis inside it.”

    WTF!?! Are you serious? Okay, that forces me to share a blatantly off-topic “weird sex fact” I just learned about yesterday. No, I’m not some bestiality freak, this is just bizaare/interesting.

    Has anyone else ever heard about how Spotted Hyenas mate? The females are the larger and more muscular animals,
    partly because of male hormones they get while developing. The result of this apparently, is they develop
    “masculinized” genitals.

    Female hyenas do not have what we would recognize as a vaginal opening, or labia. What they have is a “pseudo-penis”, an enormous clit that is like 6″ long erect.
    Mating is accomplished by the male inserting his penis in the um…
    “passage?” that runs through the inside of her clitoris and apparently doubles as vagina and urethra. I’m not making this up.
    If thats not weird enough for you, they also give birth through their
    (ouch) clit.

  17. Hmm, since when is video surveillance in your own home illegal? Some states require businesses to warn with little tiny stickers that there are cameras in use, but home surveillance(without sound) is always allowed.

  18. Honestly? How many times can the question “What is a sound?” be asked? Either look it up on your own or actually look to see if the question’s been answered already. Christ!

  19. I went to college in Vermont and LOVE IT that the state has legalized equal-rights marriage. In fact, I’ve already teasingly suggested my freshman roommate take the train up from NYC and get hitched to his boyfriend of nearly 7 years.

    There are lots of great Vermont products and businesses you can support no matter where you live. If you’re in the market for an iPod or any other Apple product, I highly recommend going through Small Dog Electronics. They’re Vermont-based, sell new and refurbished Apple products, and have a great business ethic. I bought a refurbished 30 Gb iPod from them and was beyond satisfied.

    Just don’t buy an iPod to watch video you secretly shot of your hot roommate. That would be wrong. 😉

  20. Darcy, that was my first reaction, too. How does one use a toothbrush as a “sound”? Is this a typo? A mysterious gay thing? Please explain, Dan.

  21. Wow, I never expected to feel judged by Dan Savage. I didn’t know anyone could be THAT kinky without breaking several state and federal laws. And all because when I was seventeen, I covered my boyfriend’s penis in chocolate pre-blowjob. I have a vague sense that being a totally irredeemable perv shouldn’t be that easy!!

  22. Yeah, what is a sound?
    Back in the day, two people living together equaled two separate rooms. If they wanted to get all racy or couldn’t afford one bedroom apiece, they slept in the same room in separate, cozy twin beds. More power to the snugglebugs who can stand the body heat, snoring, farts, and uncomfortable neck angles of cosleeping, not to mention those who are the same level of neat freaky or slobbish, but I for one am going to embrace the old school style. Don’t like how I leave clothes all over the floor? Great! Good thing you have your own room. Afraid I’m going to kick you in my sleep and gash you with my toenails? Not to worry! I have my own bed.
    The only long-term marriages I’ve ever seen work out, meaning they’re still married decades later AND they don’t hate each other’s guts, are the ones where they spent months, some times years doing their own thing, often in different countries.
    Here’s to space!

  23. I agree with posters here who suggest that Dan was unusually stern on condemning food and sex as a combination.

    Vegetables as dildos make sense. And as far as sweet foods causing yeast infections is concerned, it seems this can easily be remedied by avoiding said foods, which surely can still result in satisfied palettes (Cream anyone? It’s just fatty right? Not sweet…).

    But most importantly to me, it seems that in condemning food, Dan should condemn all other kinks.

    If Dan supports consensual BDSM (and so do I) for example (which also represents risks), I see no rational objection to the consented inclusion of food as a sex toy.

    It sounds like one of Dan’s ill-thought-out dogmatic statements that he later retracts… We’ll see.

    In the meantime, I say apologise to the food fetishists Dan, like you did to the pee and poo fetishists!

  26. Usually I agree with Dan, but this time though, I think his statement about the bf who sent on photos needed a bit of a caveat. While he doesn’t deserve to be labeled a “sex offender” or go to prison for up to 5 years, he does deserve to be an example of the bad legal (like huge fine and/or going to jail for some time) results to forwarding nude picts of anyone. If that isn’t an example of emotional abuse within a relationship, I’m not certain what is. Which is illegal in some states, if it can be proven.

  28. @ huh? : Sound has been defined a half dozen times already. Check the other replies to this post, and you’ll get your answer. That’ll spare you confusion and frustration. 😉

  30. for FUCKS SAKE people, the God-Damn “sound” thing was explained about half a dozen times in the previous 77 posts! pull your collective heads out of your shitholes for 5 minutes and read somethings other people have written, ya might fuckin’ learn a thing or two.
    Now, about the hyena’s: basically what you’re saying is that got some big ol’ meat curtains?

  33. Some Old Nobodaddy wrote: “That TIA smells fake. Does the BF live there as well? If not, then why is she not sleeping at his place, and if so, why not mention him as another roommate?”

    It is possible; I was in a situation like that because my roommate and I had a spacious apartment with two large bedrooms. His girlfriend (who was my friend for a long time before they started going out) had a tiny room in a house with seven roomates. They spent 99 percent of the nights in our apartment [Later at my request, they switched to 75 percent at our apartment and 25 percent at her place so I could have the apartment to myself some of the time.]

    As for IBIL wanting her own space – my wife and I are very compatible, yet when we bought a house we got one with two extra tiny bedrooms so we each have a room that is not shared. Works for us.

  37. A sound is a thing you stick up your penis. Like some kind of rod. I don’t see how this could ever be pleasant, but i’m a girl, so maybe i don’t get it. Each to his own.

  38. Yes, TIA, you ARE a complete asshole. It’s bad enough contemplating about making videos of some poor girl, but thinking that since she’s in ‘your space’, all bets are off? What, like she’s ‘asking for it’ or ‘what does she expect’? She’s a goddamn human being no matter where she steps, you prick, and walking into your room doesn’t void her right for privacy and human decency.

    Here’s a good measuring stick – what’s the amount of privacy she should expect inside your room? The same amount of privacy she should expect OUTSIDE of it.

    I really don’t want to think of what other situations you believe give you the right to strip women of their privacy. Eurgh.

  40. Wow, TIA, I don’t say this often, but you are a dumb, immature, shit. Grow the hell up and think about someone besides your stupid self for a change.

  41. Literally laughed out loud at the line about Levi Johnston’s “ignominy.”
    If ever I wanted to see a case of the fictional “scared-into-gaydom-by-a-bad-straight-experience” come true, it would be that hot self-proclaimed redneck hottage Levi!

  42. damn it, where’s the CT love? Huh? You should buy OUR Products too. Like… like…. Nuclear submarines and insurance!! Send them to all your friends.

    Also sugar might encourage yeast infections. (food for the yeasties) but fisting causes bladder infections.

    And just because you don’t like it, doesn’t mean it’s eeew yucky for everyone. That one letter saying it’s offensive just makes me want to giggle, because I’ll get that person would solemnly defend a person’s right to do anything wildly kinky and feel terribly un-PC if she said that flagellation or anal play is eeew yucky.

  43. Dan,
    Food can be very erotic especially liqours.. maybe you just said that to get a rise out of people… it certainly doesn’t make sense.

  44. delightly – “Just because “some random creeps could jack off” to an image DOES NOT make Alpert guilty of distributing child pornography.”

    Actually, delightly, that’s exactly what it means. They didn’t charge him with possession of child pornography, they charged him with distribution (i.e. sending it to other people). A crime in most states. If you want to get mad at a various sexting circumstance, get mad at the subjects of the nudie pics getting charged with child pornography, or get mad at the teenage possessors of nudie pics (w/o distributing) getting charged with possession. That’s the argument you want to make. An adult distributing naked pictures of his underage girlfriend is, in every way, distribution of child pornography and he, in every way, deserves the consequences.

  46. Am I the only person who thinks it’s ironic that Dan (and others) have no problems stuffing toothbrushes up their dicks, but food and sex together, *that* would bother them?

    Huh.

  47. @darcy: A “sound” is something you put in a bodily orifice to get a feel of the inside – or, as in this case, to have the inside get a feel of the sound.

    @DJFG: Now, maple syrup in place of chocolate body pain? Maple syrup is way too messy, way too sticky and it’s very expensive. Then, why only Vermont? Québec and Ontario allow gay mariage, as far as I know.

  50. I have a question: If the underage girl took the pictures and sent them to the boyfriend, isn’t she guilty of distributing child porn as well?

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