My roommate is astoundingly hot. Her room is being repaired (the ceiling fell in), and, at her request, I’m letting her and her boyfriend sleep in my room while I take the couch. I’ve been able to contain my attraction just fine up to now, but the minute she entered my space I had this feeling that all bets are off. I’m considering spying on her with a hidden surveillance cam. If I had video of this girl naked, let alone being fucked, I could happily beat off to the footage for the rest of my life. Obviously it’s a breach of trust, and I’m a shitty roommate for considering it. I have a few concerns. Is this normal? Assuming that there’s no way she could find out and that I kept the video to myself and myself only, would it be so wrong? What is her reasonable expectation of privacy once she enters my room?
Thanks In Advance
Before we get to your tech-related queries, TIA, a word about a young man in Florida with tech-related troubles.
America’s current teen-sex panic—it’s always something—is about “sexting,” teenagers sending each other pictures of their sometimes-underage junk, their frequently underage racks, or their young and dimpled/pimpled rear ends. (Oh, if only we could return to the comparatively innocent and entirely fictional days of “rainbow parties”!) Shortly after the kids went crazy for sexting, the authorities went crazy for prosecuting kids for sexting. Take Phillip Alpert, an 18-year-old in Florida who got mad at his girlfriend and forwarded a digital photo of her naked to dozens of her friends and family.
This Alpert kid (he had only just turned 18) pulled an asshole move—the gaping asshole of moves—and he owes his girlfriend, her friends, and her family an apology, restitution, and a pound of flesh. (And I mean that pound.) A just, proportionate punishment might involve, say, nude pictures of Alpert being displayed on a billboard in Times Square. For a year. Instead, Alpert was convicted of distributing child porn and “sentenced to five years probation and required by Florida law to register as a sex offender,” CNN reports. “You will find me on the registered sex offender list next to people who have raped children, molested kids, things like that,” Alpert told CNN.
A message for concerned parents, outraged school officials, and teen-sex-obsessed prosecutors: We’re gonna have to either make it illegal for teenagers to own camsphonescomputers, or we’re gonna have to give them drugs to delay the onset of puberty until after they’re 18. If we’re unable or unwilling to do those things—technology is hard to contain, and delaying puberty could have unwelcome health consequences (although it would have spared Levi Johnston’s DNA from the ignominy of mixing with the Palins’)—then the intersection of horny teens and newer technologies is going to require us to rethink the simplistic application of laws that criminalize the possession and distribution of sexty (ugh) pictures, particularly in cases where they were created by teenagers, for teenagers.
Yes, Alpert was a douchebag; yes, it was wrong for him to forward that picture to embarrass and humiliate his girlfriend. But if Alpert is a child pornographer and a sex offender, so are millions of today’s teenagers. They’re all e-mailing each other pictures of their junk. Making an example of one unlucky asshole who got caught isn’t going to stop teenagers from sexting each other anymore than making an example of hundreds of thousands of unlucky pot smokers stopped people from smoking pot.
Okay, TIA, on to your question: While it’s normal to contemplate, even obsess about, something you know is wrong, secretly videotaping your roommate, even if she’s “in your space,” isn’t just an asshole move. It’s an illegal move in most places, and the consequences for asshole moves involving digital images, as illustrated above, can be dire. And until submitting to
videotaping is widely understood to be a known risk of sleeping in someone else’s bedroom, your roommate and her boyfriend have an entirely reasonable expectation of privacy.
As for no-way-she-could-ever-find-out, I could sneak into your house and use your toothbrush as a sound, and you’d never find out. And although it would hurt me more than it would hurt you, TIA, it would still be wrong—even if there was no way short of DNA testing that you would ever find out. And while you may intend to keep the video to yourself—such the gentleman—what if your laptop gets stolen? What if you take your computer in for repairs and someone makes a copy? Digital images—photos, video, whatever—are too easy to lose control over.
Don’t do it, TIA.
I am a 30-year-old female with a live-in boyfriend. While we’re not without our problems, the relationship is wonderful. My only big issue is that I don’t enjoy cohabitation. Before living with my boyfriend, I lived in a studio apartment, my little castle, and I relished having my own space. I would love to go back to us each having our own domicile, but I am afraid of losing him. The thought has been met with such criticism by my friends that it makes me wonder. Is it unusual to want your own space?
Independent But In Love
I know a nice, loving couple—married, straight, with kids—who each have an apartment in the same building. The kids’ rooms are in mom’s; the meals are prepared and eaten at dad’s. They decided to live like this because, like you, they both liked having their own spaces.
You can do it, too, IBIL. Stop worrying about what other people think and start being honest with your boyfriend about your preferred living arrangement.
As you’ve proven in the past with “santorum” and “saddlebacking,” you have considerable influence. So to reward the Vermont legislature’s recent decision to override the governor’s veto and legalize same-sex marriage in that state, why not encourage your listeners and readers to purchase products made in Vermont? And Iowa? Think of it: Your millions of fans could trade in chocolate body paint for maple syrup as the sexy edible substance of choice, all the while supporting this legislative victory and (we hope) spurring others like it.
D.J.’s Fellow Gayby
P.S. I have absolutely no stake in Vermont’s economy. I just want my dads to be able to marry
one day in the state where my family lives.
That day may come more quickly than we think, DJFG, thanks to the bravery of elected officials in Iowa and Vermont. As for rewarding those states: Like most Americans, I consume way more corn syrup than a person should (that shit’s in everything), so Iowa is covered. And I will make sure the next bottle of maple syrup I purchase is from Vermont—but I’ll be pouring it on my pancakes, thanks, not my boyfriend. Food is for after sex, people, not before, and never, ever during. Food is not a sex toy, not even chocolate.
ATTENTION JOURNALISTS: The deadline for this year’s Sexies—the Sex-Positive Journalism Awards—is approaching. The Sexies recognize writers “who stick to high journalistic standards” while reporting about sex “in a climate of repression and misinformation around human sexuality.” More info at
www.sexies.org.
I don’t know who’s the stupidest in this thread: the people who keep asking what ‘sounding’ means or the ones who think Dan is personally into sounding & is making some kind of moral condemnation of food ‘n’ sex rather than just exaggerating a personal preference for, um, humorous effect. Try sounding your ears; it might clear your head. Where’s my eye-rolling emoticon?
He’s right. Food’s too important to waste on your partner. And god, what a mess.
I don’t think Dan was saying that food+sex is “wrong”…I think he just finds it dull and kinda stupid–something done by boring straight couples who’re trying to ‘spice up their marriage’.
I personally don’t like the whole food+sex thing; it seems just a bit ridiculous. But I also don’t give a rat’s ass what other people do in their sex lives, as long as it doesn’t involve children, animals, corpses, or any other beings who haven’t given consent. If you wanna coat your S.O. in peanut butter and chocolate syrup, go for it. Me, I’m more into non-edible additions in my sex life.
Dan, sorry I took a while to post it, but just out of interest, how did you get your column to go forward in time? It went up on the 14th (as the comments attest) but is dated the 16th.
@Gold Cube: Yes, thank you. Sometimes, it’s OK not to take Dan really, really seriously.
Gold cube: you must’ve mistaken the comments here for actual oneway comments: the rest of us use it for a technogeek substitute for dialogue: get on board.
food is the perfect sex toy for timid PWT: easy, cheap, not embarrassing to buy, and a little like undereducated foreplay for those who once thought sex consisted of ‘put peg A into slot B’: Chocolate on the nipples or near the clit gets, say, that Mormom or Fundie tongue straying to places its never been – so give food some respect for Teaching role it plays!
Besides, where would Babeland fellatio and condom classes be, without the almighty Banana?!
You know, the more I read TIA’s letter, the more creeped-out I feel. The fuck? He’s just making up arbitrary rules to justify his asshole, shitty actions?
“[T]he minute she entered my space I had this feeling that all bets are off.”
I think this is what a rapist’s mind sounds like.
TIA:
Awesome visual for voyuerists.. Where do you live? Why not ask someone to come over and take a look at that ‘ceiling’ problem?
Guaranteed you’d get dozens of volunteers to do the dirty work for you & then share what they reap – releasing you from the direct guilt but not the pleasure. 😉
evil overlord brainstorm: Does she read leases or just sign? Have her sign a new lease with some extra fine print? Then put in the new ‘security system’ mentioned in item J12- aka the camera in her new ceiling fixture.
@Gold Cube: Amen to that! And then to top it off we got another “did you write your column in the future?” dumbass!
Whats a “rainbow party”?
Buy Magic Hat beer – brewed in Burlington VT and oh so delicious.
1) Yeah, I was wondering what “sound” was too. I couldn’t even come up with typo that made sense in context (even though “dildo” has the same number of letters).
2) No food with sex? WTF? Although I agree it’s too messy for me as the person who has to wash the sheets and bed pad, I wouldn’t condemn it for anybody else.
3)For those who want to reward “things Vermont”? Well, Vermont Country Store – that dowdy old retailer has introduced some sex devices into its catalog. A lot of prudes are upset and boycotting the company. So, if you are in the market for any home product or sex toy, check ’em out. You’d be sending cash to Vermont and also helping out a store that’s trying to move into the 21st Century.
TIA: The reasonable expectation once she enters your room is that she won’t have her privacy violated.
@ Darcy
A metal rod you stick up your urethra.
GRRR
I hate hearing sounding!!!
Every time you sneak a sounding reference in, I’m going to leave a big fat erotic food comment!!!
sticky maple syrup all over your cock, dan! so sticky, it pulls the little fuzzies off the inside of your underwear and mats your pubes!!
I HATE SOUNDING!!
A sound is a metal rod inserted into the urethra of a man’s penis in order to stimulate the prostate.
darcy: ‘What’s a “sound”?’
Sounding is the practice of inserting objects into ones urethra. The sound is the object inserted.
TIA, no no no no no no!!! reading that made my hot girl skin crawl.
HMMMM: Yes, a 14 year old girl was arrested recently for child porn for sending her BF some pix. I believe his mom saw them and had her busted. Sorry I can’t remember when, but I think I saw it on Drudge within the last couple of weeks.
granny
By the way Marq Young, i think a rainbow party is a blow job party.
For Darcy:
You asked for it!
A sound is any object inserted up a man’s urethra (the hole in his penis), often for sexual pleasure. It’s mostly in medical fetish scenes.
Okay I changed my mind: the stupidest are the 5 people in a row who answered @Darcy’s question about sounding – as if 300 people hadn’t already done it.
Blah blah blah… sexting blah blah, I’m going off on a major tangent so I can prove that I do research at The Stranger, too.. blah blah blah, gay marriage gay marriage gay marriage, all I can talk about, all I care about, and I think I can actually change the nation by my little column in this (complimentary) Seattle paper. –Dan Savage
Dan: “Okay, TIA, on to your question: While it’s normal to contemplate, even obsess about, something you know is wrong, secretly videotaping your roommate, even if she’s “in your space,” isn’t just an asshole move. It’s an illegal move in most places,”
I’d say it’s normal for guys to contemplate (although not actually following through with) videotaping a woman. But not normal for women to contemplate that with men.
As for food and sex, it’s not something I’ve done a lot, but it can be great. I love sucking on a woman’s nipples and I love whipped cream, so licking and sucking it off a woman’s nipples is a nice combo.
A year ago, I was lucky enough to be with one of those extremely rare women who loves anal sex. She also liked having her ass licked and I loved doing it (after she got it squeaky clean.) One night she suggested melting some chocolate and putting it on her ass and having me lick it off. So it did it and it was pretty damn hot. Too bad women like that are so hard to find.
“So to reward the Vermont legislature’s recent decision to override the governor’s veto and legalize same-sex marriage in that state, why not encourage your listeners and readers to purchase products made in Vermont?”
And/or visit Vermont. I’m sure they’d like more tourist dollars. If you’ve never been to New England in autumn, go! The intensity of the colors (in good years) is breathtaking. I remember driving on a dirt road into impossibly-picturesque Grafton, Vermont on one trip. It was like driving through a tunnel of fire. Unbelievably beautiful.
Plus, from scenic.org, “In 1968, Vermont prohibited new billboards and provided an amortization period of five years to remove existing billboards. By 1974, Vermont felled its last billboard.” Gotta love a state that bans billboards but permits same-sex marriage instead of vice-versa.
Okay—-fair enough.
I don’t mix food with my sex, either, but oohhhhhhh, Dan—-chocolate is indeed, the food of the Gods and Goddesses!!
As for all the “sexting” going on among kids and then overzealous prosecutors going after them- well, aren’t the prosecutors themselves guilty since (I’m assuming) they actually LOOKED at it themselves? It’s ILLEGAL to even view the stuff, isn’t it?
Sickos should be ashamed of themselves looking for all this teenage/ underage porn.
@Ummm, yes it does: I totally agree with you on the porn distribution charges. Sending out nude pics of underage teens is illegal for a reason, and making an exception to that law would probably just lead to it being easier for the people who actually make and distribute child porn to get away with it, i.e. a new loophole in the justice system.
A lot of teens are easily influenced and manipulated by those older and more experienced. I can’t BELIEVE what I used to let guys get away with when I was a teenager, just because I felt like I would be being a bitch if I stuck up for myself. I’m not a whole lot older, only 22, but if a strange guy touches me inappropriately or a date tries to twist my arm into doing something I don’t want, I’m a whole lot better at taking care of myself now.
Yes teens are sexual, no 18 isn’t some magical age were everyone suddenly “grows up” and is responsible, but there is a level of emotional maturity that only comes with age and experience. The child pornography laws are supposed to protect not only kids, but underage teens too, who might not be mature enough to make smart decisions about how doing a porn/taking nude pics will affect their future, or who might be easily coerced by someone a little older into making a porn even though they don’t want to.
Although I agree that labeling him as a sex offender is maybe a little harsh, the bottom line is she’s UNDERAGE, and making an exception for this case might blur the line for other cases where a 16y/o girl is strong armed into taking nude pics/making porn she doesn’t want to, and has no protection from the law.
If she was an adult, the guy would be a douche for sending her pic around, but thats a consequence of taking nude pics that she deals with. There’s no guarantee that a kid is consenting, and who’s to say the age where you draw the line where its acceptable for kids to do this? Although I do think teens should have the freedom to have sex, exchange nude pics with a bf, etc. and they will do this, its still something that needs to be treated carefully. The line is 18 and older.
The guy should have kept the pic to himself, or deleted it. It not the same as if she’s an “adult”
“sounding” is a form of urethral play where usually long, thin objects are inserted into the urethra
rainbow parties might just be an urban myth, but they center around a bunch of girls or boys putting on different colours of lipstick and performing oral sex on other boys, leaving “rainbow”-coloured smears behind
what darcy said.
wow, I just threw up a little in my mouth.
Some people are sending flowers to Iowa as thanks
Oh, Dan’s just expressing his opinion about food/sex, that’s all. It’s kinda like when Carolyn Hax said “Really, once you reach age 18, why would you expect anyone to care about remembering your birthday?”
The “Sound” you hear is the echo of the same question and answer repeating over and over…
(I think the problem is that all the messages don’t automatically display,
only the first few, so they maybe never see the others.)
@ “Whats a ‘rainbow party’?”
Its an urban myth/fantasy of paranoid
parental persons.
RE: Phillip Alpert – while what he did was reprehensible, I’m not sure it qualifies him for “sex offender” status. Anymore than an under-age girl sending pics of herself to her boyfriend should be prosecuted for “distributing child porn” for godsakes. But then, two people making sweet, sweet, consensual love
can be charged with statutory rape of one another if under the age decreed by wildly divergent State Laws. And thats just peculiar.
Now, TIA, on the other hand…that
“sex offender” title might deservedly
be his. TIA, its all about consent -you would be “virtually” raping her, by camera. Can you understand that? If you must, do what generations of men have done in your situtation- use your imagination! Sometimes I think people have forgotten how to fantasize! And in your mind, she will be a willing partner, not just changing her underwear.
I’m with lazyb. I’ve lived with a GF before and will likely do it again but I, and most of the very independent women I like to date, need our own space. Get a larger place so you can each have your own room where you can go to decompress and have your privacy. Worked for me and I HATE having roommates.
As for food and sex. I vote yes. I love a nice game of Hide The Honey. 🙂
I LOVE the idea of supporting the economies of states that support equality! Let’s show people what they get for doing the right thing. FYI in addition to Maple Syrup (way better than that Mrs Butterworth crap) other Vermont exports are Cabot Cheese, the Vermont Teddy Bear Company, Fine Paints of Europe, Vermont Butter and Cheese Company, several micro breweries, ginseng growers, Burton Snowboards, Lake Champlain Chocolates, King Arthur Flour, and Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream. (according to Wikipedia)
@ “Wow, I never expected to feel judged by Dan Savage. I didn’t know anyone could be THAT kinky”
Yeah! Me either! I feel kind of proud actually. But I have to say that there is a vibe here (and not just from him) that this is a dumb “straight thing”…quoting one post:
“I first fell in love with Dan when he called sex+food: boring breeder faux kink, or something like that.”
Considering the knee-jerk (emphasis on “jerk”) reactions gays & lesbians face, you would think it would make them more tolerant of other people’s sexual interests. Food isn’t some huge turn-on for me (its been years since it entered my bedroom) but my ex was pretty into it. I would never have tried to pass it off as a “kink”, it was just a prop…I mean some people want candles for mood lighting, some for dripping wax on sensitive areas. To each his own.
And really, who defines “kinky”? Is playing with feathers kinky? Because I once had some stuff called Honey Dust that was a lightly sweetened powder in a bag that you applied with a little feather duster – made the skin taste very nice, was never sticky, plus the feathers felt shivery good. I would recommend it to any of the people who posted saying they liked something sweet with their oral treat.
There are lots of things out there people do that would give me a “soft-on”, but if it turns them on, who am I to judge?
Dan! I usually agree with you, but you said two things that annoyed me:
1) Come on, are you really for protectionism? Canada makes a buttload of maple syrup and is also the leader of gay rights in North America. I’m happy for Vermonters (Vermontites?) but this is no time to exclude other countries from your breakfast condiment/sex aid purchases. Which leads me to
2) What? The poop/animals/children thing I get but food? I bet if someone bothered to do a study about it they’d find there are more food fetishists out there than S&M lovers. Didn’t your letter writer just point out your influence over the American public? And didn’t you not once but twice refer to America’s opressive repressiveness? Why would you say something to make food lovers ashamed?
Seriously, the hottest sex my partner and I have starts with Nutella body paint. And I’m proud of it.
Also, as a lesbian enjoying food during sex (NOT in bed and NOT on my poon) I’m finding the “boring straight kink” a little ridiculous.
Seriously, commenting queers, if you can’t think of ways to use food that don’t leave a sticky mess, cause yeast infections or mess up the sheets you clearly have boring queer sex.
Regarding IBIL, I know a happily married couple who live 4 hours away from each other in different states… it works for them
A sound is something you stick up your piss slit on your man junk! Why, I dont know.
I once had a male roommate who spent the entire (thankfully brief) time we lived together manipulating and scheming to get me in bed. Guys like TIA are why so many women won’t have male roommates.
I pose a question unrelated to column.
When is it allowed to be “too busy” for sex? Or is it always an excuse? Is it ever justified, or is it just a way to say “i don’t want to have sex with you”?
Please respond with all comments, thanks!
From Dictionary.com:
–noun
11. Surgery. a long, slender instrument for sounding or exploring body cavities or canals.
With all the repetitious comments on the definition of “sound”, no one has bothered to mention the health risks. I’m a nurse, so here goes: the bladder and urethra are sterile environments. Catheterizing a patient is a sterile procedure (sterile gloves, betadine prep, etc). Introducing non-sterile objects into the urethra will cause a UTI – urinary tract infection. VERY PAINFUL. Don’t do it.
Food shouldn’t be in/with sex. The thought on the top of my mind during sex… “Where should I cum?” The last thought on my mind… “Where should I put the pizza??”
Food not a sex toy? Where has whipped cream been all your life, Dan?
Re: Food
As the token straight old dude here, I have observed that most sexual activity can be positioned somewhere on a spectrum ranging from the romantic to the baroque. The romantic extreme is characterized by a maximum of sincerity with a minimum of hedonistic pleasure-seeking; the baroque end is the opposite.
On this spectrum, food anywhere other than in the mouth is super-baroque.
Darcy:
A sound is sex toy inserted into a man’s urethra. A toothbrush might not be my first choice. 🙂
http://www.goaskalice.columbia.edu/3516.…
Sweet Zombie Jesus. Stop asking about sounding, and stop answering. Idiots.
Also, TIA? You are an asshole and there is no way you can twist around and justify doing what you want to do to this girl and NOT be a major fucking asshole.
You don’t get to do this and still be a good guy. The end.
What you need to do, is use your fucking fantasies, and porn, and “contain your attraction” until the lease is up, and then find a roommate who isn’t hot and who doesn’t have a hot partner.
Because clearly, you can’t be trusted not to fuck over someone who’s asking for it by being all hot in your room and shit.
Also, asshole? You could have said no to letting her and her boyfriend take your room. Doing this “nice guy” doormat move still makes you King Asshole of Asshole Mountain if you go through with this.