Stop using the word “retarded”
as an insult, Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, but
make an effort. Perhaps you should have a “retard jar” that you put a
dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar is full, send the
money to the Special Olympics.

Whatever you do, though, try to remember
that you have lots of listeners and readers who have loved ones with
mental disabilities, and we don’t want to hear you misuse the word
“retarded.” Please don’t tell me to read or listen to other people if I
don’t like what I hear. I want to read your column and listen to your
podcast, but without the put-downs directed at people with mental
disabilities.

The Real Other Sister

I’m going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and
make a conscious, conscientious effort to break myself of the bad habit
of using the word “retard.” But I don’t think the “retard jar” is for
me. Instead, I’m going to use a substitution for the word. From now on,
instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so retarded,” I’m going to say
“leotard” and “that’s so leotarded.” I won’t be mocking the mentally
challenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the
strong—and the limber—and not the weak.

I’ve lived with my boyfriend
for a little less than a year, and we have awesome sex and a loving
relationship. I’m not naive, and I don’t expect my boyfriend not to
look at porn. However, I’ve made it clear that porn makes me
uncomfortable (I have a weird, visceral distaste), and it makes me feel
insecure (am I not enough?). All I ask is that he clear his browser
history if we’re going to continue sharing computers and that he keep
his porn-viewing habits private.

We had a huge fight about this. He was
raised in an oppressive, religious household and feels my attitude is
oppressively prudish. But I don’t think he should feel ashamed of
looking at pornography, I just don’t want to see it. Why can’t he see
my point of view? Is it unreasonable to expect him to keep this part of
his private life private?

On The Outs

It’s not at all unreasonable to ask him to
be discreet about his porn-viewing habits, OTO, out of consideration
for your feelings. And if he can’t see that, well, then he’s just being
willfully leotarded.

But there are other solutions: Get your own
personal laptops, change his settings so his browser history clears
automatically, and if he makes an effort and slips up now and
then—if you come across a porn-clogged browser
history—clear it yourself and resist the urge to bring it up.

And for the record: It never even occurs to
me to look at the browser history on the computer my boyfriend and I
share. It wouldn’t bother me if he was looking at porn—I’d be
concerned if he wasn’t looking at porn—but there’s no law
that requires you to check out his browser history. Scrutinizing
browser histories is fourth-degree snooping, and only a leotard scrolls
through her boyfriend’s browser history knowing that what she’s likely
to find there is going to upset her.

I’m a 29-year-old hetero male
considering breaking up with my sweet GGG girlfriend of five years. I
can’t find a reason to do it, though. We never fight; she loves to do
all the chores I hate and vice versa; she’s accepting of all my kinks,
from anal to public sex; and we love each other. We’ve been talking
marriage and family all year.

But I miss falling in love, sex is becoming
boring, and my heart aches every time I hear about a girl who wishes I
were single. I told my girlfriend about these things, and she (while
crying) gave me permission to sleep around so long as it’s on her
terms, though her terms are pretty strict. I’m not happy with the
restrictions, but I can’t ask for more because she gets so depressed
talking about it.

Am I being self-destructive in wanting to
throw away the love of my life?

Let Me Have It

You’re being a self-destructive leotard,
LMHI, and your cliché male fear-of-
intimacy issues are
totally leotarded. Perhaps the marriage conversation is making you
jittery—as marriage, in theory at least, means that you’ll never
again experience the heady rush of new love. But your odds of ever
finding another girl—for a long- or short-term
relationship—who loves you, you enjoy living with, and is willing
to give you permission to sleep around, even with conditions, are
infinitesimally small. If you weren’t such a leotard, you would be able
to see that you’re not going to do better than this girl.

And make an effort to kick your sex life
with the girlfriend into gear before you sleep with someone else. If
she was sobbing her eyes out when she gave you permission to sleep with
other people, LMHI, that’s not a good sign. Successful and healthy open
relationships rarely get their start when one partner has consented
under duress. Boring can be fixed, and fixing it may involve opening
this relationship up, but she’s not really ready to go there.

I’m a big fan of something
called the Instead cup, which might help AFTER and her hemo-phobic
boyfriend who doesn’t want to have sex with her at any time during her
period. You can buy them at the big drugstores like CVS here in
California. When I have my period, the Instead cup sits up against my
cervix. It captures all the menstrual blood and keeps it away from my
loving boyfriend’s enormous yet fastidious cock. He often doesn’t even
realize I have it in. It’s a little messy to take out and dispose of,
but it’s totally worth it. Here’s the website: www.softcup.com.

And if AFTER’s boyfriend still won’t fuck
her with one of these handy numbers in, then she should definitely
DTMFA.

Cup Up Pussy

Readers: Since you’re reading this in The
Stranger, you might not know what CUP is referring to. Last week, I
had to cut a question from the local version of this column—a
question from a woman whose boyfriend refused to have sex with her
while she was on her period—to make room for info about HUMP! To
read the letter from Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return and my advice
to her, see last week’s complete column at thestranger.com/savage.

As for you, CUP: I’m familiar—not
intimately so—with the Instead cup. But, like a total leotard, I
spaced it. Thanks for writing.

Longtime fan, Dan, but I don’t
see you on Twitter. It would be a blast! Thanks in advance.

Need More Savage Love

Writing a column and doing a weekly podcast
and blogging aren’t enough? Now I have to Twitter?

Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk
youth who pull the Savage Lovecast together every week may have
dragged my gay ass into the early years of the 21st century—they
created a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/user/dansavage)
and a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/dansavage)—but
I draw the line at Twittering, at least for the time being, as it would
cut into my drinking time.

mail@savagelove.net

308 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. didn’t we JUST have this discussion about the word retarded on slog? i swear i was defending it’s use in the same manner as Lathlas.
    i personally don’t see the big deal. i have mentally disabled family members, and i can’t help but recall the times people get yelled at for calling the actually mentally disabled “retarded”
    so if we can’t use retarded to mean people that are handicapped, how are we to consider it offensive to them when it’s used in a different manner? it’s like trying to stop the word’s use entirely. keep using retard, dan. people’s rules about words are their own business. it’s unfair to try and force their vocabulary beliefs down our throats.
    as for TROS, how can she write into your column, basically demand that you cease to use a word, and then comment how she’d rather not go elsewhere? listen, sister, if you don’t like the way the man writes, DON’T READ THE MAN. geez.

  2. OTO doesn’t need to do anything difficult like get different laptops or set up multiple user accounts, just download two different browsers. One person uses Firefox the other uses Opera, or Chrome, or (if you must) IE. There are a lot of really good choices out there that only take a few minutes to download and have all kinds of neat features.

  3. LMHI will be in love with his wonderful gf again once she dumps him and starts dating someone else. But she has to dump him, he can’t dump her. He’s clearly a guy who needs head games to feel love. What a catch.

  4. In addition to Chrome’s Incognito Mode, Apple’s Safari web browser also has a Private Browsing mode, but this has to be turned manually as well.

    Probably better to set the preferences to clear history upon closing.

  6. Actually, Dan’s point about “leo-tarded” is a good one about language. He did PRECISELY what you asked…yet it wasn’t enough. You want to police his language in a way that is never sufficient. You actually want Dan not only to stop SPEAKING in a way you find insulting but to stop THINKING in a way you find insulting. If Dan said, “Ok, I’ll stop saying retarded, instead I’ll say Rolos, i.e., stop being such a Rolo” you’d clearly interpret Rolos = retarded. So give it up. Oh yeah, and “Dan” the respondent…you’re claiming “Dan The Columnist” is a bigot? Do you know who you are talking about? What world do you live in? Rolos, I swear.

  8. The Period Cup looks and fits like a diaphram, for those who are still confused. Personally, I recommend the Mirena(sp?) IUD. My Finacee has one and she hasn’t had a real period since she got it put in a year and a half ago. There’s a trickle of spotting every now and then, but it’s negligible. The best part about the IUD is that it’s as effective as getting your tubes tied and it’s maintenance-free for 5 years.

  10. My roommate works with mentally retarded adults. She says a few of her clients love the free city weekly that syndicates, you guessed it, Savage Love. So never mind about readers who have loved ones who are retarded, there are plenty of retarded readers out there, as well.

  11. Give the guy a break. Some people really can’t stand the site of blood, let alone on their crank.

    There are many ways to get each other off that don’t involve penetration. Seems like those 10 days could be ‘inventive’ instead of just one-way blow jobs.

    Of course you can also fuck in the shower or tub at the beginning/end to minimize any fear of having to ‘deal’ with it.

  12. Way to take a stand against Twitter, Dan. I also think it’s leotarded.

    A cheaper option for OTO would be to set up separate accounts on the same computer. I occasionally like to search porn, gossip sights and other things that might be embarrassing if anyone were to see, so I have a guest account set up for privacy. I had an embarrassing moment when a friend and I were searching for movie listings and the wrong thing came up, so I consider it essential to have a “clean” account that is never used for porn, TMZ or any of the blogging I do. Not that there is anything wrong with a little porn, etc, I would just rather not have that conversation with out of town relatives, mom, dad or my orthodox virgin friend.

    Also, OTO isn’t necessarily being nosy. If her boyfriend googled “shoe fetish” and then she later googled “shoes”, she would probably be confronted with his web search habits for shoe fetish porn, because the cookies would bring it up. Or it could show up if she accidentally clicks on the wrong thing from her browser history.

  13. I dont twitter either. Who the heck wants to be followed or follow other people? Do these people have no regard for their own privacy and personal time? Yuck!

  14. @ George – yikes! A 10 day period? If mine lasted 10 days (instead of 5-7) I’d be squirrely and wanting sex too.

    But, I agree with you, there’s much more fun to be had than penetration alone. I don’t particularly enjoy sex while I’m having my period so that week becomes more of a fun experimental week.

    I use the Diva Cup (similar to instead but sits lower so you can’t use it during penetration) which is made of silicone and allows natural wetness to still be present so manual stimulation and great orgasms are still possible.

    And while I highly enjoy giving blowjobs, most of the time my male partner and I would start off with oral but finish with penetration. Period week means I get to give blowjobs to completion. Yum.

  15. According to cartoonist Natalie Dee, “…the word retarded is played out, and there is nothing more retarded than a Kia Rondo, so [rondo] seems to lend itself quite nicely.”

    Plus it’s verbally satisfying to say “That’s totally RONDO!” or “You’re so rondo.” It might even be better than retard, and will only offend car dealers and soccermoms who drive a kia minivan.

  16. I doubt that the actually mentally challenged care all that much. Or should we eliminate “baby” as a word with negative connotation – as in “stop being such a baby” – because babies and their loved ones would be offended?

  17. RE: Let Me Have It

    I couldn’t resist responding to you, Let Me Have It. You remind me of too many of the lame guys I dated in my twenties. They too were commitment-phobic, self-centered dorks, and I hope their miserable, beer-belly ridden, 40-year-old single asses are all somewhere perched on bars stools chain smoking Camel Lights and reminiscing about their lost loves and glory days.

    That said, I went on to become a successful professional, marry a sexy, successful (and happily monogamous) guy, and have two beautiful kids. And if you aren’t careful, LMHI, 15 years from now, your awesome girlfriend is going to be writing the same thing about the wonderful husband who appreciates her, and the loser boyfriend who dumped her in her late twenties so he could chase pussy. And you are going to be sitting on a bar stool somewhere with your pack of stogies wishing you could travel back in time and make things right.

    So get with it, LMHI. You have nothing to complain about. The truth is that long-term monogamy is a sacrifice of sorts, but when it’s a requirement of great relationship (and it sounds like it is in your case), it’s a small price to pay for all that you receive in return. Honestly, there will come a day when hot chicks aren’t going to look at you anymore, and that day isn’t as far in the future as you might imagine. And when that day arrives, you will be much happier with your awesome girlfriend/wife at your side. So apologize to your girlfriend, take a weekend getaway, do something romantic for her, and don’t lose the best thing that ever happened to you.

  18. Please go back to using the word retard Dan. Leotarded is retarded. You are funny when your offensive. I think a lot of your readers like that. I do. Offensive can be funny when done right. And as a straight man, Dan, I have to say, you do it oh so right. But if you are going to lose retarded, please don’t use Leotarded. Maybe you should put it to your fans for an alternative?

  21. Dan – right on to Let Me Have It. He’s being kind of a douche looking for a reason to break-up with his girlfriend. That said, my guess is she’d be able to find another GGG kinky boy who’d take the arrangement described. I’m not sure if he’d have such good luck.

    Let Me Have It – realize you are SUPER lucky. A kinky girlfriend who is awesome in most ways? That’s great. Own your desire to sleep around and figure out a way to do it so you can both have fun with it.

    I understand the desire for novelty, but she is letting you sleep around. Have some sex on the side on her terms and be responsible, and my guess is she will open up more as she sees you aren’t going to run off. But DO NOT use this opening as a chance to audition other girls.

    And finally, give her your permission to sleep around and don’t be a jealous twit if and when she does!

  22. From what I understand, “retarded” isn’t politically correct anyway, so he isn’t really “misusing” it. A the word literally means to hinder, impede or hold back. So you people automatically associating that word with the mentally disabled are the only ones giving it power. Its hateful because you say it is. Its just a word, let it go.

  23. I kind of agree with Lathlas. As he said, it’s not exactly a term embraced by the mentally challenged (is that really the correct term now?). But also, unlike using “gay” to mean “dumb,” which doesn’t have any etymological similaries, at least retarded does relate to dumb.

    BTW, you can twitter while drunk. But it usually really isn’t a good idea. Trust me.

  24. Reply to: “I doubt that the actually mentally challenged care all that much. Or should we eliminate “baby” as a word with negative connotation – as in “stop being such a baby” – because babies and their loved ones would be offended?”

    O.K., at risk of being accused of political correctness, use of the word “retarded” is very offensive to high functioning folks with cognitive disabilities. They DO care. Sure, a guy in a persistent vegetative state doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you call him, but the vast majority of folks with cognitive disabilities are high functioning. And that means that they understand most things. While they may lack the ability to grapple abstract concepts like mathematics, etc, they sure as hell know that’s it’s not nice to be called a “retard.” But being called a “retard” hurts them just as much as being called a “nigger” by a white guy hurts a black person, or being called a “faggot” by a redneck hurts a gay person.

    And how do I know this? Well, I used to work with people with cognitive disabilities, and you wouldn’t believe how sensitive they are to name calling. I mean, they are just about the last minority group that you can still make fun of in public without being called a bigot. They are, therefore, very accustomed to stares and cruel words. One guy I worked with would actually cry when someone called him a retard. He couldn’t read or write, but he lived on his own, cooked his own meals, and was a very pleasant, polite person. He did nothing to deserve the treatment he received from many members of the general public.

    Part of the problem is that people with cognitive disabilities are treated like babies, even when they are adults. That treatment is discriminatory. It says that since babies don’t mind if you call them babies, mentally disabled people won’t mind if you call them retards because they aren’t any more cognizant of reality than babies are. Well, that’s just not true.

    And Dan, as much as I love you, I don’t think you should use the word “retard” either. You don’t belong to the named group (at least I don’t think so!) so you don’t have to the standing to own the word the way you did with “faggot.”

  25. I agree with Christopher. “Leotarded” is an obvious and poor substitute for “retarded.” It’s distracting and annoying. Come on, Dan. Your refusal to back down from using junior-high putdowns–first “gay,” then “retarded,” now “leotarded”–is becoming a ridiculous one-man crusade. Why not save your efforts for something important, like educating us about sexbots or marshalling us against sexphobic teeveenewz reporters?

  28. Granted, there are plenty of other words that better describe someone who is being silly or immature in their relationship behavior. However, no matter what alternative weekly you read there’s often someone writing in to complain about the insensitivity of using a certain word. “My niece is insane so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t use words like ‘crazy’ to describe someone who isn’t clinically so.” It gets to be a bit much, especially when a group of people with a condition get a euphemism handed to them annually by those concerned. “Retarded” has been out of vogue for decades now. “Handicapped” was the it-word for a while, and recently up was “differently abled,” interchangeable with “developmentally delayed,” which is oddly enough the very definition of “retarded.”

  31. Christopher – I disagree, I thought Dan’s response to TROS was pretty sincere, and his use of “leotard” throughout the column was not excessive. Realistcally, I think that’s as close as Dan Savage can get to sincere.

    Dan, you made a very good effort there. Now, KEEP IT UP! And BE FIRM!

  32. Yeah, I agree with Jeremy. First n—–s was in vogue, then coloreds was the it-word for a while, then blacks, then African-Americans. Black, oddly enough, is the very definition of negro. So everyone should have the right to select the most disfavored of the alternatives to describe people of African descent.

    Right Jeremy?

  33. I love the word RETARDED! How could you not? I don’t understand why being called retarded, which refers to being slow, is any more offensive than being challenged- talk about kid glove condescension.

    For example: I wish my boyfriend’s cock was retarded sometimes so I could get off without extra manustimulation.

    I wish my boyfriend was not retarded so we could ever get anywhere on time.

    I wish this debate was not retarded so all the retards who are giving too much of a shit would shut the fuck up.

    I wish someone would call me a retard and smear shit on my tits.

    I wish the retards of the Comment section would shut up. Oh wait, I said that already. Boy, was I retarded for that!

    Retards, the whole lot of em. I’ll stand by you Dan.

  35. Also, I personally have made inroads to reclaim “Bitch” for women. I know the older femlibs disagree, but if you own it, the power is diminished. Maybe retards should make it a self-applied term.

  38. My sister is disabled but I don’t take the “retarded” comments seriously–unless someone were to say it to her to deliberately try and hurt her. I recommend we all lighten up a bit. I have met many funny, warm, and wonderful mentally-retarded people because I am related to someone with physical and mental disabilities. Changing it to leotard makes me think of dear old Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos. Now will all the Leotardos take offense…will it ever end?

  39. I believe that retards make the world go round. Self-esteem boosters for everyone else. How’s a boozehound like me supposed to feel good about anything without having the retarded around to make me smile?

  41. You know what’s retarded? All this ado about retarded retards. They don’t really have feelings, anyway. They are called retarded for a reason- they’re retarded. You must be retarded to think that they’re not retards. Really people need to stop this retard madness and get upset about something less retarded.

  43. OK, this being uber-geeky Seattle, I have to comment that On The Outs and anyone else that shares a computer with their significant other should just make separate user accounts on the damn thing. Otherwise, it’s likely you’ll get on and find yourself already logged onto your parnter’s Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Gmail, and other personal accounts, which seems to me seems like dancing with danger.

  45. See? See where your reaction to “retard” has gotten us? If you had just let Dan say retard or leotard or whatever we would not have LBBRS up there making ironic quips about the non-feeling, inhuman nature of actual disabled people. Whenever you try to police language, it gets worse. And let’s not get into to this “it’s the same as the N-word” bullshit. Each use of a disparaging word is specific–you can’t really latch one derogatory onto another. The “N-word” represents anti-black culture. Does anyone here seriously think Dan’s (or anyone else here) use of retarded refers to a culture of anti-mentally disabled people? No, and if you do, you know what you are.

  46. Why is it so horribly terribly unacceptable for kids today to say “That’s so gay” meaning lame, bad, pathetic, stupid? I mean, if retard and retarded are perfectly acceptable and if only an oversensitive asshole would ask you to please no expose thousands of readers and listeners to your use of them?
    There’s no difference between gay=stupid and retarded=stupid. Except that in one case it’s an entitled jerk who thinks he’s superior based only on one happenchance of birth (his heterosexuality) and in the other case it’s the exact same thing based on his (perceived) mental accuity. You’re glad you’re not retarded so you can throw the word around as an insult, but somehow it’s completely different for those who are glad they’re not gay to do the same with the word gay. Hmmm. Pretty hypocritical.

  48. TROS did NOT make a reasonable request. As someone with mentally challenged people whom I love, it is absolutely ridiculous to say you can’t call someone retarded.

    Humans need to have the ability to insult each other. “idiot”, “Moron”, those words have the exact same root meaning as retarded, they were originally terms for specific levels of retardation. Should we ban those too? Get over it, its not Dan Savage’s responsibility to coddle your sensitivity. Guess what, it’s not a hate crime to call something “gay” if you want. And calling a guy a “fag” is not a hate crime if you’re just making fun of your straight friend, or, conversely, if you yourself are gay and making fun of your gay friend.

    Stop censoring language, no one is yelling “Retard!” at an actual retarded person, so don’t get all indignant when someone calls Antonin Scalia retarded.

    Sorry, leotarded

  49. For OTO, if the notebook she is sharing with her BF is running any recent version of Windows, they can create 2 separate accounts. She logs in with hers and he logs in with his. Separate browsing histories. Problem solved.

    I assume Apple would have a similar feature.

  50. I love “leotarded” and will adopt its use myself. It’s funny – as are most people wearing leotards – and does not completely cave to the whiners who have nothing better to do than rally against words not intended in that context anyway. So gay? So what. Last thing I knew, Dan didn’t rant about that use of the term either. Actually, I think I recall something on his podcast rather the opposite of that.

    And, “retarded” is not the same as the N-word. It was a clinical term – mentally retarded – that was changed to “mentally disabled,” which some now wish to change to “mentally challenged” and so on. Where will it end? “Retarded” simply meant that their mental development was halted at an earlier stage – that’s what retarded means. That’s why “retarded growth” means “stunted growth” in plants and so on. It’s just a description, and rather than blowing rainbows out their butts while demanding that people use happier and happier sounding words for every freaking thing on the planet, why don’t people focus on actually being constructive if they really care about the wellbeing of that particular population of people.

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