Stop using the word “retarded”
as an insult, Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, but
make an effort. Perhaps you should have a “retard jar” that you put a
dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar is full, send the
money to the Special Olympics.
Whatever you do, though, try to remember
that you have lots of listeners and readers who have loved ones with
mental disabilities, and we don’t want to hear you misuse the word
“retarded.” Please don’t tell me to read or listen to other people if I
don’t like what I hear. I want to read your column and listen to your
podcast, but without the put-downs directed at people with mental
disabilities.
The Real Other Sister
I’m going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and
make a conscious, conscientious effort to break myself of the bad habit
of using the word “retard.” But I don’t think the “retard jar” is for
me. Instead, I’m going to use a substitution for the word. From now on,
instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so retarded,” I’m going to say
“leotard” and “that’s so leotarded.” I won’t be mocking the mentally
challenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the
strong—and the limber—and not the weak.
I’ve lived with my boyfriend
for a little less than a year, and we have awesome sex and a loving
relationship. I’m not naive, and I don’t expect my boyfriend not to
look at porn. However, I’ve made it clear that porn makes me
uncomfortable (I have a weird, visceral distaste), and it makes me feel
insecure (am I not enough?). All I ask is that he clear his browser
history if we’re going to continue sharing computers and that he keep
his porn-viewing habits private.
We had a huge fight about this. He was
raised in an oppressive, religious household and feels my attitude is
oppressively prudish. But I don’t think he should feel ashamed of
looking at pornography, I just don’t want to see it. Why can’t he see
my point of view? Is it unreasonable to expect him to keep this part of
his private life private?
On The Outs
It’s not at all unreasonable to ask him to
be discreet about his porn-viewing habits, OTO, out of consideration
for your feelings. And if he can’t see that, well, then he’s just being
willfully leotarded.
But there are other solutions: Get your own
personal laptops, change his settings so his browser history clears
automatically, and if he makes an effort and slips up now and
then—if you come across a porn-clogged browser
history—clear it yourself and resist the urge to bring it up.
And for the record: It never even occurs to
me to look at the browser history on the computer my boyfriend and I
share. It wouldn’t bother me if he was looking at porn—I’d be
concerned if he wasn’t looking at porn—but there’s no law
that requires you to check out his browser history. Scrutinizing
browser histories is fourth-degree snooping, and only a leotard scrolls
through her boyfriend’s browser history knowing that what she’s likely
to find there is going to upset her.
I’m a 29-year-old hetero male
considering breaking up with my sweet GGG girlfriend of five years. I
can’t find a reason to do it, though. We never fight; she loves to do
all the chores I hate and vice versa; she’s accepting of all my kinks,
from anal to public sex; and we love each other. We’ve been talking
marriage and family all year.
But I miss falling in love, sex is becoming
boring, and my heart aches every time I hear about a girl who wishes I
were single. I told my girlfriend about these things, and she (while
crying) gave me permission to sleep around so long as it’s on her
terms, though her terms are pretty strict. I’m not happy with the
restrictions, but I can’t ask for more because she gets so depressed
talking about it.
Am I being self-destructive in wanting to
throw away the love of my life?
Let Me Have It
You’re being a self-destructive leotard,
LMHI, and your cliché male fear-of-
intimacy issues are
totally leotarded. Perhaps the marriage conversation is making you
jittery—as marriage, in theory at least, means that you’ll never
again experience the heady rush of new love. But your odds of ever
finding another girl—for a long- or short-term
relationship—who loves you, you enjoy living with, and is willing
to give you permission to sleep around, even with conditions, are
infinitesimally small. If you weren’t such a leotard, you would be able
to see that you’re not going to do better than this girl.
And make an effort to kick your sex life
with the girlfriend into gear before you sleep with someone else. If
she was sobbing her eyes out when she gave you permission to sleep with
other people, LMHI, that’s not a good sign. Successful and healthy open
relationships rarely get their start when one partner has consented
under duress. Boring can be fixed, and fixing it may involve opening
this relationship up, but she’s not really ready to go there.
I’m a big fan of something
called the Instead cup, which might help AFTER and her hemo-phobic
boyfriend who doesn’t want to have sex with her at any time during her
period. You can buy them at the big drugstores like CVS here in
California. When I have my period, the Instead cup sits up against my
cervix. It captures all the menstrual blood and keeps it away from my
loving boyfriend’s enormous yet fastidious cock. He often doesn’t even
realize I have it in. It’s a little messy to take out and dispose of,
but it’s totally worth it. Here’s the website: www.softcup.com.
And if AFTER’s boyfriend still won’t fuck
her with one of these handy numbers in, then she should definitely
DTMFA.
Cup Up Pussy
Readers: Since you’re reading this in The
Stranger, you might not know what CUP is referring to. Last week, I
had to cut a question from the local version of this column—a
question from a woman whose boyfriend refused to have sex with her
while she was on her period—to make room for info about HUMP! To
read the letter from Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return and my advice
to her, see last week’s complete column at thestranger.com/savage.
As for you, CUP: I’m familiar—not
intimately so—with the Instead cup. But, like a total leotard, I
spaced it. Thanks for writing.
Longtime fan, Dan, but I don’t
see you on Twitter. It would be a blast! Thanks in advance.
Need More Savage Love
Writing a column and doing a weekly podcast
and blogging aren’t enough? Now I have to Twitter?
Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk
youth who pull the Savage Lovecast together every week may have
dragged my gay ass into the early years of the 21st century—they
created a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/user/dansavage)
and a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/dansavage)—but
I draw the line at Twittering, at least for the time being, as it would
cut into my drinking time.
Not using the word retard is the gayest shit I’ve ever heard. My eyes want to roll out of their sockets.
The happy (as in GAY) people of the world were probably similarly offended when homosexuals co-opted the word for their own usage. So homosexuals can just suck it up now that people have started using “ghey” to describe things as lame or stupid. That usage of the word has nothing to do with actual homosexuality anymore, and as such gay folk shouldn’t get upset at the usage. Same goes for retarded. We’re not talking about retarded people here, we’re simply using the word as it’s defined in the dictionary. Keep using the word retarded, Dan.
Who the hell checks their boyfriends brouser history? Psycho.
“Instead” is evil! It’s meant to go in at an angle and sit around your cervix. However, I tried it a few months ago, and during sex it got pushed up so that it was completely horizontal! It hurt like a motherfucker, took almost 1/2 an hour to get out, and I couldn’t have sex for 2 days after. never again.
LMHI do not break up with this girl! i understand where your coming from. i made a huge mistake in my life and dumped my ex because i was bored, we had some past issues i “thought” i couldn’t get over, and other girls kept beckoning me. it was the absolute worst mistake Ive ever made. not only did i loose the mother of my child, i lost my best friend and lover and there is not a day goes by i don’t regret it. life is NOT better outside of your love. to quote the shittiest hair band to ever exist… “you don’t know what you’ve got… till its gone.”
Two browsers, or two users. All operating systems let you login with your own password and have your own private things.
But Kiki’s right: it’s hard to avoid browser history. When I type in my address bar, there’s always a list of a bunch of sites I visited. And although I try to hide them with that “Stealther” plugin, there’s also a few porn sites. Urgh.
On the other hand, Dan’s comments don’t address OTO’s boyfriend’s own fears: that his sex life would be branded as shameful. OTO needs to take care of that.
She should stop trying to give reasons to her disgust (“alright, it’s ridiculous for me to feel jealous, but it’s still downright disgusting to me”), maybe make him feel that disgust (“imagine seeing two hot guys with huge dicks and huge muscles – awhhh! – having sex together”. Or show him that sounding image from Dan’s post) and then make the necessary adjustments to make it easier for him not to forget his porn (don’t forget that a male post-orgasmic brain isn’t the fastest thing around).
wait I thought “mental disabilities” WAS the solution to “retard”? AKA: people with mental disabilities are people with mental disabilities. People who need to get a clue are retards, idiots, imbeciles, morons, brain dead, etc…which all used to be synonymous with “retard” in a quasi-medical sense before they became insults.
re: retard v. gay. We want to keep “gay” because otherwise it messes up the abbreviation and no one’s coming up with a better-sounding word to refer to dudes-who-like-other-dudes. Or should we be “Heterosexually challenged”?
Well fuck my ass silly! Those retards are crazy. They’ll put just about anything in their pants to slap their spanky/ spank their slappy. Let the retards be in peace with their weiners.
I’ve been using my diaphragm for years as a mechanism for both contraception AND my period — two birds with one stone! Why buy some Instead Cup when you can get a diaphragm that’s much more functional, and form-fitted to your vaginal size? (I guess price must be lower?)
Let Me Have It, you are a total jackass. The people urging you to get your shit together and redevote yourself to your gf are far too kind — she deserves better.
Oh, and Dan is 100% right — she agreed to the sleeping around thing under duress, which is of course obvious to you, but because you can only thing of you and your precious wang, you don’t give a shit.
AFTER’s situation calls for DTMFA. He won’t go near her pussy but she is obliged to give blowjobs? That’s rich…
I don’t think anyone can be blamed for not wanting to have intercourse with a woman while she is on her period, aka, BLEEDING from her vagina. I’m a woman, I have periods, and I’ve had intercourse during menstruation. It’s kinda messy.
My current boyfriend doesn’t like to have sex while I’m on my period. He has explained that he thinks it’s a time when a woman’s body “cleanses” itself and doesn’t think it should be interfered with. Of course, I think he’s also disgusted by the idea of having blood all over his penis, but whatevs.
I just don’t think you can force someone to get over being grossed out by this. Hell, sometimes I even get freaked out by the sight of the blood and I know it’s perfectly natural.
Great column Dan…
As for OTO, I dont think there’s anything wrong with bringing up the porn issue with your bf if he fails to meet your completely reasonable request. One slip up? Okay, fine. But, if he’s a dick about it, I think it indicates a strong immature and selfish streak and I would consider other options…
Firefox 3.5 has Private Browing mode too.
Anyone who isn’t using some kind of privacy mode to browse porn on a shared computer is either inconsiderate…
or they have very specific preferences for which they need the web browser history.
All Dan’s answers are a little wonky today.
1. The leotard/retard thing is passive agressive.
2. He doesn’t get that browser history also includes the address bar (i.e. http://www.meluvabukakke.pron)
3. He’s encouraging an ass stain to stay glommed onto a perfectly loving human being.
4. He confused us all with the Instead cup thing.
5. He doesn’t get the benefits/ease of Twitter.
That is all.
OTO, Dan is wrong and very dismissive of your values. Your values are that porn is wrong and portrays women in an unhealthy way. Not only does your BF not share your values (which I think is very important for a relationship to work), he wontonly rubs your face in it. You need to DTMFA. You can do way better than him.
All the guys who refuse to have period sex are a bunch of fucking pussies. I fucked my ex every chance I got, and thank god she was cool with period sex. Otherwise that’s at least a week without sex — fuck that. It’s not even that bad to clean up, just use a fucking rag afterwards. Man up, for chrissakes.
“Leotarded” was a brilliant one-time joke, and I suspect that’s all it was meant to be. But I agree with yep: if you want to change the habit (and I understand that’s a big if), use something like “stupid.” It’s the willfulness of leotards — the fact that they have it well within their power to be otherwise — that makes them so leotarded.
So yeah, funny stuff. But I don’t suspect I’ll be using it tomorrow.
I like replacing the word “Retard” with “Leotard”. I’m amused at the use of it in this column as well. After all, when I add a new word to my active vocabulary, I find myself using it a lot at first to get a “feel” for it.
I myself had been trying to remove “retarded” from my vocabulary except when I refer to something or someone with arrested development. I had weeded it out of the “Insult” category, because I had been a champion of repurposing the words “Faggot” and “Gay”.
However, I didn’t have a word that rolled off the tongue easily to replace “retarded” or “retard” in my own active vocabularly. “Leotarded” and “Leotard”, however… are gorgeous. I have never cared for leotards. Heck, I am a costume designer and I still don’t much care for actual leotards.
So I intend to adopt your new idea and spread it far and wide!
Thank you, Dan! Thank you for Santorum, Saddlebacking, and now Leotards!
You called OTO out for “looking at” the browser history, but when a girl types a few letters into a URL bar and gets a slew of pornage in the dropdown history, what is she supposed to do? Close her eyes? I have to agree with the idea of getting two browsers! Much easier solution.
LMHI, you are a total fucking dipshit. Your gf would be a lot better off without you.
It would be great if I could introduce you to my sister Susan who was “diagnosed” as mentally retarded in 1966, when she was just six years old. When she was 16 or so, her IQ was determined by the Department of the Navy to be 80. This was awesome for them, because if she had tested at 79 they would have been legally responsible for her medical care for the rest of her life.
I have no idea what her real IQ is, but I do know that there is nothing in the world that causes her more pain than to be called a retard.
She has been called a retard her entire life – most memorably and painfully by most of the supposedly “normal” classmates who attended all of the various schools where Susan attended special ed.
As a 46 year-old lesbian, I have lived long enough to have witnessed the successful co-opting of the terms gay and queer by my well-educated and politically-savvy brethren.
Unfortunately, retarded people don’t have the same ability to co-opt language. Every new generation of retarded people starts fresh – dealing with hurtful words and ignorant biases without any sort of shared history. There was no Stonewall Riot of the retarded population and there never will be.
Sadly, my sister and her peers rely on the mercy, charity, and decency of us “regular” folk. Which means that as a result they are the victims of our willful ignorance.
Dan, you are a gifted writer. Your power with words and language is a rare gift and you normally wield that power with effective and devastating effect.
You are also a clarion voice for the misunderstood and unheard. Plus you’re gay! Considering all of that, I feel as though you, of all people, must understand the power of language to affect or prevent change.
Why not take the Hippocratic oath when it comes to those among us incapable of mounting a coordinated defense – first do no harm.
Not digging the “leotard” thing.
Maybe you missed it, but the guy won’t even touch her when she’s spotting, which extends her period to ten days. Unless he’s an Orthodox Jew, there are only two explanations: he’s a pussy or he’s looking to get free blowjobs for 1/3 of the month. If he doesn’t get over himself, he’ll deservedly get his ass dumped.
In defense of OTO, I request my bf do the same thing-cause w/ our computer, when you go to type in a url, it brings up sites you’ve visited-when I’m trying to go to seriouseats.com, I really don’t need “serioustits” coming up as an option 😛
Well, that’s a bummer. I was all excited about the Instead cup thingie, but it turns out you can’t use it when you have an IUD.
I love Instead (the cup) – so much more convenient and comfy than tampons. Yes, there are occasional leaks, but honestly, I have the same problem with tampons. They’re a little weird to insert/remove at first, but after the first couple of times, I actually find it easier (and have I mentioned WAY more comfortable) than tampons.
I thought “leotard” was a slam on Leonardo diCaprio?
Don’t know if anyone’s said it (I’m not about to read 127 comments to find out), so… Another solution for OTO is that they set up separate accounts on the same computer; their mutual privacy can be assured that way.
I don’t really care about policing language. There’s not much point to that, and besides, every word has its place. It’s not TROS’s place to demand Dan to change his language. Regardless, Dan’s response to TROS was trite and embarrassing.
I read Savage Love because it is (often) an intelligent and witty column. This week it read as a sophomoric exercise of a person’s right to say whatever. The column has lost some respectability and moral weight for me. I don’t really look forward to reading future columns. I can’t say I’m angry, just disappointed.
A diaphragm also works in place of a cup… does anyone use those any more… I’ve done so for years!
They could have a Mac and each have their own account and password when they sign in, hers would be the default.
I definitely think that Let Me Have It should break up with his girlfriend. She should find another guy who will appreciate her embracing his kinks and doing the chores he hates. There’s some guy out there who will think she’s amazing, and if he’s not it, let her go. I agree with Dan, though, a woman like that is not going to show up again anytime soon. But if he needs to grow up, he should do it on his own time and stop wasting hers.
my brother is mentally, emotionally, AND learning disabled. after the fourth grade he was kicked out of public school for being out of control and had to go to a private school for pretty extreme cases- after which his use of the word retarded picked up about 400%. Jimmy was retarded because he called Ben retarded and they watched Napolean Dynamite in class and almost everyone agreed it was the most retarded movie ever except for maybe the retard that brought it in.
My point being no one has used the word retarded to describe someone with a mental disability in ages, and retarded has instead come to mean something that is dumb, obnoxious, ect. Language changes.
I for one thought leotarded was hysterical- but that could be because I’m retarded.
GREAT JOB DAN! you’re helping alot of people become more comfortable with sex and also opening people up to being more accepting of to many things to list here.
my ex-wife used the cup; I found it abraded my penis and back when using it with a condom, actually tore a hole in it. Beware.
This “leotarded” thing sounds idiotic. There are a million other words that convey roughly the same meaning as “retarded” without abusing a group of marginalized people.
Dan I have to say I love “leotard”. I found its use hilarious!! And I have to say all this talk about female issues makes me ill just makes me that much happy to suck cock.
Gee, Christopher – skin a bit thin?
Hey, BAGGOT! Hey, DOCKTUCKING CASSHOLE! Substituting a soundalike word (Leotard) for the word people know you mean (retard) doesn’t work because people just make the swap in their heads – so the offense stays the same. Try again, Dan.
LMHI, it doesn’t sound like you’re just looking for sex outside the relationship – you mentioned that you “miss falling in love.” Have you also asked your girlfriend for permission to fall in love with someone else?
Here’s an technique I employ whenever I think I might be acting like a selfish douche: I imagine that my partner is telling me the things I am considering saying (or, unfortunately, just said) to him. Try it. If it hurts like hell, it’s time to seriously reconsider your proposal.
Oh – and by the way, LMHI – if seeing other people is your only solution, you might want to consider a trial separation. Your girlfriend should be able to fuck other people too, or at least have the chance to find someone else while you’re out learning how shitty the dating scene is.
Many people here have been asserting that no one has used the label “retarded” for “ages.” Um, as a special education teacher, I know that this just isn’t true: the accurate label for students whose IQs are below 70 and who are delayed socially and adaptively in addition to their intellectual delays are diagnosed with “MR” – “Mental Retardation.”
Dan…wtf. You really should have advised LMHI to dump his girlfriend – he clearly doesn’t deserve her.
I thought being drunk on Twitter was kinda the point.
Re the cup: Those who have a contraceptive diaphragm can use it instead; I used to wear mine during my period to avoid staining the sheets. On light days it was sufficient to obviate the need for tampons.
And On The Outs creeps me out. It would never occur to me to check my husband’s browser history, anymore than I would read his email or check his cell phone. The only situations under which I could see myself doing this are A) my husband calls me from work and asks me “Darling, could you go check this for me? I can’t remember the URL,” something that has NEVER happened, or B) if my husband were the victim of assault or murder, and the cops thought the information necessary to solve the crime.
Snooping is low, and it’s death to relationships. Cut it out. If you don’t trust your lover, leave. If you can’t trust anyone, leave and get therapy. But don’t go snooping and then whine about it.
Kiki: Firefox supports multiple user accounts, each of which have their own separate history.
Here is a simple solution for cleaning your browser history (and all other stuff that your computer saves without your knowledge).
Go to ccleaner.com and check out the free download. I use it on all of my computers, and it’s great for assuring basic privacy (because, while it may be embarrassing to leave behind a porn-viewing trail, confidential information like bank access codes and private client information transmitted via the web should always be protected/erased when not needed).
If you download this software, make sure to donate to the very cool guy who offers the freeware (and I have no affiliation with him, if that’s an issue).
Leotarded? Come on! Given the context and the sound of the word, it will still be read as ‘retarded’ and you know it. It’s not OK and you know that too. GTFU.
Instead of ‘retarded’ and ‘retard’, how about using ‘stupid’ and ‘idiot’, or ‘foolish’ and ‘fool’, or any of the myriad of synonyms available in the English language that don’t insult people who have to put up with quite enough crap already.
“I park in handicapped spaces as handicapped people make handicapped faces. I’m an ASSHOLE!”
– Name that tune!!!