Stop using the word “retarded”
as an insult, Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, but
make an effort. Perhaps you should have a “retard jar” that you put a
dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar is full, send the
money to the Special Olympics.
Whatever you do, though, try to remember
that you have lots of listeners and readers who have loved ones with
mental disabilities, and we don’t want to hear you misuse the word
“retarded.” Please don’t tell me to read or listen to other people if I
don’t like what I hear. I want to read your column and listen to your
podcast, but without the put-downs directed at people with mental
disabilities.
The Real Other Sister
I’m going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and
make a conscious, conscientious effort to break myself of the bad habit
of using the word “retard.” But I don’t think the “retard jar” is for
me. Instead, I’m going to use a substitution for the word. From now on,
instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so retarded,” I’m going to say
“leotard” and “that’s so leotarded.” I won’t be mocking the mentally
challenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the
strong—and the limber—and not the weak.
I’ve lived with my boyfriend
for a little less than a year, and we have awesome sex and a loving
relationship. I’m not naive, and I don’t expect my boyfriend not to
look at porn. However, I’ve made it clear that porn makes me
uncomfortable (I have a weird, visceral distaste), and it makes me feel
insecure (am I not enough?). All I ask is that he clear his browser
history if we’re going to continue sharing computers and that he keep
his porn-viewing habits private.
We had a huge fight about this. He was
raised in an oppressive, religious household and feels my attitude is
oppressively prudish. But I don’t think he should feel ashamed of
looking at pornography, I just don’t want to see it. Why can’t he see
my point of view? Is it unreasonable to expect him to keep this part of
his private life private?
On The Outs
It’s not at all unreasonable to ask him to
be discreet about his porn-viewing habits, OTO, out of consideration
for your feelings. And if he can’t see that, well, then he’s just being
willfully leotarded.
But there are other solutions: Get your own
personal laptops, change his settings so his browser history clears
automatically, and if he makes an effort and slips up now and
then—if you come across a porn-clogged browser
history—clear it yourself and resist the urge to bring it up.
And for the record: It never even occurs to
me to look at the browser history on the computer my boyfriend and I
share. It wouldn’t bother me if he was looking at porn—I’d be
concerned if he wasn’t looking at porn—but there’s no law
that requires you to check out his browser history. Scrutinizing
browser histories is fourth-degree snooping, and only a leotard scrolls
through her boyfriend’s browser history knowing that what she’s likely
to find there is going to upset her.
I’m a 29-year-old hetero male
considering breaking up with my sweet GGG girlfriend of five years. I
can’t find a reason to do it, though. We never fight; she loves to do
all the chores I hate and vice versa; she’s accepting of all my kinks,
from anal to public sex; and we love each other. We’ve been talking
marriage and family all year.
But I miss falling in love, sex is becoming
boring, and my heart aches every time I hear about a girl who wishes I
were single. I told my girlfriend about these things, and she (while
crying) gave me permission to sleep around so long as it’s on her
terms, though her terms are pretty strict. I’m not happy with the
restrictions, but I can’t ask for more because she gets so depressed
talking about it.
Am I being self-destructive in wanting to
throw away the love of my life?
Let Me Have It
You’re being a self-destructive leotard,
LMHI, and your cliché male fear-of-
intimacy issues are
totally leotarded. Perhaps the marriage conversation is making you
jittery—as marriage, in theory at least, means that you’ll never
again experience the heady rush of new love. But your odds of ever
finding another girl—for a long- or short-term
relationship—who loves you, you enjoy living with, and is willing
to give you permission to sleep around, even with conditions, are
infinitesimally small. If you weren’t such a leotard, you would be able
to see that you’re not going to do better than this girl.
And make an effort to kick your sex life
with the girlfriend into gear before you sleep with someone else. If
she was sobbing her eyes out when she gave you permission to sleep with
other people, LMHI, that’s not a good sign. Successful and healthy open
relationships rarely get their start when one partner has consented
under duress. Boring can be fixed, and fixing it may involve opening
this relationship up, but she’s not really ready to go there.
I’m a big fan of something
called the Instead cup, which might help AFTER and her hemo-phobic
boyfriend who doesn’t want to have sex with her at any time during her
period. You can buy them at the big drugstores like CVS here in
California. When I have my period, the Instead cup sits up against my
cervix. It captures all the menstrual blood and keeps it away from my
loving boyfriend’s enormous yet fastidious cock. He often doesn’t even
realize I have it in. It’s a little messy to take out and dispose of,
but it’s totally worth it. Here’s the website: www.softcup.com.
And if AFTER’s boyfriend still won’t fuck
her with one of these handy numbers in, then she should definitely
DTMFA.
Cup Up Pussy
Readers: Since you’re reading this in The
Stranger, you might not know what CUP is referring to. Last week, I
had to cut a question from the local version of this column—a
question from a woman whose boyfriend refused to have sex with her
while she was on her period—to make room for info about HUMP! To
read the letter from Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return and my advice
to her, see last week’s complete column at thestranger.com/savage.
As for you, CUP: I’m familiar—not
intimately so—with the Instead cup. But, like a total leotard, I
spaced it. Thanks for writing.
Longtime fan, Dan, but I don’t
see you on Twitter. It would be a blast! Thanks in advance.
Need More Savage Love
Writing a column and doing a weekly podcast
and blogging aren’t enough? Now I have to Twitter?
Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk
youth who pull the Savage Lovecast together every week may have
dragged my gay ass into the early years of the 21st century—they
created a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/user/dansavage)
and a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/dansavage)—but
I draw the line at Twittering, at least for the time being, as it would
cut into my drinking time.
I personaly like the term Asshat. It only insults anyone who wears hat on their ass. This implies that they are stupid and a little crazy, ’cause, really, who wears an hat on their ass.
For browser privacy, you can set your browser, and google as well, so it doesn’t record everything and words from past searches don’t pop up. Just go to “tools” then “options” etc. It’s not very difficult to do.
LMHI-It seems that you’re girlfriend is doing everything she can to keep you. She probably wants to get married to you but you realize once that happens, the kinky sex is gone. It happens all the time.
It would be best if you two split up. She will go on to find someone who appreciates her but the only way to do this if she doesn’t give in to all his kinks, IMO. LMHI needs someone that won’t give in that easily plus someone who has the confidence to tell him to hit the road if he keeps asking her to do things that don’t appeal to her.
LMHI, if you want to keep her, realize that you will find all sex boring with anyone. Most women, including your girlfriend, don’t like the creepy, kinky sex. When you get your head around that, you’ll appreciate what you have. You’ll have kinky sex most likely until you get married. After that, with the possibility of kids, with anyone, the sex will fizzle. So, it’s good to choose someone you can live with day in, day out with some good, not so kinky sex. Trust me, you’ll think missionary style is the greatest when you don’t get much.
To all of the people suggesting a replacement of “retarded” with “stupid”: it just doesn’t have the same zing. It’s like saying “mean person” instead of “motherfucker” or “nuh uh!” instead of “bullshit!”
But if people complain, and it’s really causing people emotional angst, why not “leotarded”? It’s got zing, but it’s also definitely retarded. It thus takes the piss out of both the original complainer and from Dan himself.
Points to Dan for leotarded.
While I was on the bus, I started to read the first Q&A about the word retarded. Thank You Dan Savage for making me bust out laughing! I needed that. TGIF folks!!!!!
Your response to TROS and her request Re: Use of the word retarded replaced with “leotarded” was childish. So many gays are offended about how the tweens and 20 somethings are always saying, “gosh, that’s so gay” etc…it’s insulting to gays just as use of the word retarded(now replaced in your vocabulary w/the word leotarded – which is just a nit-picky way for you to continue using the word retarded. Grow up, man.
I don’t think it would be nice to put retards in a jar. Just sayin’.
Without reading the 207 comments posted to date, instead of saying “that’s so retarded,” how about saying “that’s so limbaugh” or “that’s so coulter”?
By the way, there is nothing wrong or limbaughed about people who choose not to have a presence on Twitter, Facebook, or MySpace. No one is required to expose every detail of one’s private life every freakin’ minute. The government is taking away enough of your privacy–you don’t have to voluntarily surrender the shred you have left. (I had a MySpace page for one week, but canceled it when I saw they accepted ads for Palestiniansolidarity.org.)
I once went through a period questioning my own use of the term “retarded.” I have a cousin with Down’s Syndrome, and was self-conscious about it. But I’m over it.
The thing is that while the term has a sad history of use towards challenged people as targets – the word does not inherently refer to just this group. The basic definition of the term is “limited or delayed in intellectual or emotional development.” This can describe anyone or any thing fitting the definition. So, as long as I’m not specifically referring to challenged persons, and not equating any one to challenged persons, and because those people certainly do not refer to themselves as such, then what’s the big deal if I use that term?
Retard: To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede. Eg. “Hurry up you retard!”
Let’s take it back yo!
Christopher – there was nothing mean spirited in that at all – what were you reading?
I think Prostitutes use a sponge when they have their periods…
Now having read all the zillions of comments, I don’t understand what people are freaking out about.
TROS asked Dan not to use retarded anymore
He agreed not to and instead used ‘Leotarded” which has completely different connotations – exactly the opposite, actually – so it’s actually a pretty clever pun. The word has the same phonetic qualities BUT IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO MENTALLY DISABLED PEOPLE.
So wtf is everyone’s issue?
I absolutely loved the Leotard answer!! And I laughed each time I read it throughout the rest of the column…. “Christopher” must just not have a very good sense of humor… I, myself, may use the term (however, each time I do, at the end of the sentence, I would ofcourse give reference to you:) )
Oh Wow.. and all this time I thought Prostitutes just took those days off… Like a mini vacation…
Have to say that your response to LMHI, the dude who can’t find a reason to break up with his awesome girlfriend, was logical and reasonable but also totally off-base. I went through three years of trying to find a good reason to break up with my ex, and finally I realized: if I’m looking for a reason, it means I don’t want to be in the relationship. Could LMHI be passing up the best chance of his life? Sure. But it really sounds like he doesn’t want to be in this relationship, despite all her awesome on-paper qualities, and people who don’t want to be in relationships shouldn’t. Plus, she needs to go find someone who thinks the sun shines out of her ass. I mean, there are doldrums, it’s true, but he’s LOOKING for a reason to break up with her, not just saying, “It’s always been so great, I just don’t understand why things haven’t been right between us lately. What can I do to bring us back where we need to be?” He needs to dump the poor woman already.
I think since Danny Boy is ok with using “retarded” we heteros can start saying stuff like “That’s gay” or “Stupid fag.”
To Wannabe Catholic:
So… the GGG girlfriend is just putting out with the good kinky sex until they get married because she wants to keep him? Because most women don’t like the “creepy kinky sex”. And the fact that she’s “giving in” with the sex is the PROBLEM in the relationship?? You are crazy as shit, dude, and I can’t speak for your “creepy” kinks but I sure as hell pity whoever you attempt to have relationships with. The very idea that women should “hold out” in order to keep guys interested makes me sick. It’s the holdover from the myth that women don’t like sex and will be happy when men stop “bothering” them. Yeah, she shouldn’t do things she doesn’t want to do- like let him sleep around- but there’s no sign that she doesn’t like sex and/or kinky stuff in general. Shove it up your butt, WC.
/this comment has waaay too many “quotation marks”. Sorry.
Re: your response to OTO, you don’t necessarily have to go looking through someone’s browser history for it to affect your browsing experience. I don’t know if you can change this in your browser preferences, but if you’re typing in a URL, e.g. michigan.gov, and someone has used the same browser, on the same account, on the same computer to look up a website (or websites) with the same first few letters, e.g. milfs.com, a little menu will pop up under the URL bar, and voila, you get the same information you’d get from looking at someone’s browser history, and deity help you if you click on it by mistake.
Also, “leotard”? Really? That’s just petty, not to mention willfully avoiding the problem.
2 things.
1. Some Browsers, like Google Chrome have a special browsing mode that wont store your history or will hide it from other users. OTO’s boyfriend should look into that.
2. Instead of the “Instead” cup may I also recommend the “Diva” cup? It is a reusable cup that also sits up inside the vagina against the cervix. But it doesn’t create waste! Weee and you save money in the long run. (They run you about 30 bucks initially, but you really only need one.) There is a whole live journal community for cup fans and their users. http://community.livejournal.com/menstru…
KG- the Cup is real. If you google “menstrual cups” you can see other brands. I know of a few people who use them for ecological reasons (less waste and whatnot) and even had one male friend try to talk me into use them but I prefer to be the arbiter of what does and does not belong in my vagina.
Thanks, Dan, for being a real prick, re your response to TROS. It’s the kind of response I would expect from a ten year old; not a grown man and father of a young child. As a gay man who happens to have a physical disability, I get really tired of the ignorance, especially within the gay community. You just showed the same immaturity as all the anti-gay idiots that constantly work against us. FYI, hate crimes are on the rise, thus, the need to include both GLBT AND Disabled to the Hate Crimes Bill is both timely an important. Instead of using this opportunity to champion the cause for eliminating derogatory labels from our vocabulary, you mocked TROS’ request.
OTO: Google Chrome and Safari have built in modes where nothing you do will be saved to local disk. In Chrome, we call the feature Incognito Mode — selecting opens a special browser window which cleans up after itself when you close it. No passwords, history, clicked links, etc from that browsing session will be saved for later use.
Clearing your full browsing history will degrade your user experience — the browser is there to help you do your thing, and if it can’t remember which sites you like to visit and which links you’ve clicked, it becomes a less useful tool. With the navigation suggestion and search keyword suggestion features in modern browsers, browser history is a lot more visible to users, and embarrassing sites can pop into view without anyone having intentionally snooped.
Dan Dan Dan, You were so close to the dynamite! Only one letter away.They’re not leotards, they’re meotards;the ones that cant get enough of themselves and their own fabulousness,desires,conflicts,belly button lint, etc etc… The me me meotards, while they could be physically gifted, strong and limber as you described them,they could even be brilliant;they should be recognized for what they are- weak. All of this world and the love that is in it is for sharing. So share- and dont be such a meotard.(not you Dan) Oh, and by the way,am I mistaken or did you refer to the mentally challenged as “the weak”? Oh Dan, that’s so meotarded.
@jojoranting: I always thought “asshat” meant you were wearing as ass AS a hat.
To starfireming
I happen to be a married hetero woman and I’ve been reading Savage’s column for years. I like his responses so I keep reading. First time I responded online and I’m flamed by you. You’ve gotten everything wrong about me.
BTW, I’ve read this column long enough to see that MANY guys complain that their glamorous GGG girlfriends/fiancées becomes a ‘frumpy’ wife that hates sex.
I’ve also read recently many guy’s comments about a wife that has oral sex and who eats her husband’s cum but refused getting a facial. Almost every guy said that a wife eating their husband’s cum was rare among wives and he should count himself lucky.
So don’t get mad at me. Get mad at guys who want that stuff along with threesomes, anal, getting on with parsnips and rutabagas and expect woman to put up with that all the time just to keep them. I hate that many women would have to do the bait and switch.
I would say good riddance to them if they need all that to keep it up.
OMFG…if there’s a gay troglodite, it’s you danny boy…I long for the days & wisdom of Ask Isadora….
The computer-sharing couple should have set up separate user accounts from day one.
Dude, srsly … LEOtarded?! That’s just beyond the pale. Some of my best friends are Leos!!
Aren’t we all sick of the retarded p.c. mafia policing every syllable of the language for potentially offensive valences? Can everyone, including the mentally retarded, the physically disabled, the social minorities, the sexually marginalized, and racially “othered”, just get the fuck over being traumatized by words and joke it if they can’t take a fuck? There’s a difference between using such words to make a clearly understood point (that the person thus tagged is behaving in a less than intelligent manner), and actually believing that mentally disable people are inferior or worthy of scorn (they aren’t the people being referenced). If you can’t see the difference, then you’re just retarded.
cb wrote …”This (“retarded”) can describe anyone or any thing fitting the definition. So, as long as I’m not specifically referring to challenged persons, and not equating any one to challenged persons, and because those people certainly do not refer to themselves as such, then what’s the big deal if I use that term?”
The problem is this, cb. You and the other posters that use this lame excuse fail to understand that almost all derogatory terms have more than one meaning (e.g. a “faggot” is a bundle of sticks; “fag” is slang for cigarette). When used in a negative context it can become harmful; at the very least it is degrading, and at its worse, it can lead to violent reactions. Recently two young eleven year old boys (different parts of the country) committed suicide–they could no longer take the homophobic taunting they were getting at school. And though I have only a physical disability, as a child I was bullied by kids that called me “retarded” while kicking my ass. Words can and do hurt, and it is the RESPONSIBILITY OF ANYONE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER to set the right example for children. Some of us may be thick skinned, including those of us with physical or mental challenges. But not everyone is.
A relative of mine and his wife just gave birth to a baby born with Down Syndrome. I’d like to believe that they, and their beautiful child can go through life without having to deal with hearing “retard” or “retarded” casually thrown into conversation. They have enough of a challenge as it is.
Dan—
I take it back on “leotard”.
Ummmm….yeah. That doesn’t work for me, either.
Like The Lion, I too, have a Leonine (late July) birthday.
But I’m still with you on “twittering”, and…..you are a total STUD!
The guy with the GGG girlfriend is a FOOL. I concur with a earlier posts. 1. He probably has someone in mind – so he already wants and will cheat. or 2. He will regret breaking up for a long, long time. My husband is so glad that my two, long-term ex b/f’s broke up with me, because it saved me for him. (and I couldn’t be happier). The two ex’s both regret letting go of a GGG girl like me. They have both said it to me, or my friends, family and over the years have both said it to my husband (out of the ear-shot of their wives). So go ahead a break up with her. She will find someone better that will appreciate her.
The Aunt Flo article has now been added to the end of last week’s column.
http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Re: Leotarded
God damn it, it’s not enough that I have what amounts to a life sentence caring for my autistic daughter (whom I love deeply), but now I have to read your wise ass comments about using the word leotard? Fine. I’m going back to using nigger and fag. If you don’t like it just don’t listen to me. Jesus, you’re worse that Rick Santorum, you’re just intolerant of different people.
I never thought autistic children as ‘retarded’. Some (asperger’s) are extremely intelligent but aren’t extremely social.
I hate casting stones at Dan or anyone else. I’ve used the R-bomb but only describing myself.
I have some strong views and I can see how some are offended. I don’t bend easily because it’s what I believe as honest. My experience is that guys don’t like their women to be ‘used’ especially guys within their social circle. Seems desperate to me but this is the Internet and much is miscontrued.
My husband is extremely happy with me and he brags to his friends and co-workers about me over what I think are funny anecdotes but what he thinks as strength of character.
I love your column, podcast, books, everything. But, please don’t use “leotarded”. That is really annoying if not as offensive as “retarded”. And since the sound “tard” is in there anyway, it just reminds you of where the use derives. Let’s pick a better term. Instead of saying that something is “retarded” or “leotarded” perhaps we could say it’s so “Prejean” after the lovely Miss California. But since that also reminds me of Sister Helen Prejean who is fabulous, how ’bout just sticking with “ignorant”.
Wannabe Catholic: I really don’t see how I’ve gotten everything wrong about you. I did assume you were a guy, but I attacked your ideas, not your gender. Yeah, there are way too many women who “fake it till they make it” – to the altar, that is; but those women are assholes, and too frequently end up making themselves and their partners miserable. No one should do things they don’t want to do. Period. And the GGG girlfriend is at fault here for “consenting” to opening up the relationship. Yeah, LMHI wants things that will hurt her, but not being honest about her boundaries and needs isn’t going to stop that.
What I really don’t understand is blaming the people who WANT kink and/or variety for having those desires. Nobody has to do the bait-and-switch. (Particularly since most guys I know are actually quite vanilla.) I don’t know if you’re familiar with Carolyn Hax, but she’s an advice columnist in the Washington Post who preaches the gospel of finding someone who accepts you as you are. I know it can be hard when you’re in love, but if there’s a basic incompatibility- the “everything’s great except..”- then letting go needs to be an option on the table.
So, please tell me why these women aren’t responsible for pretending they like and want something they don’t, knowing that their intended loves it and wants it on a regular basis?
Women are completely responsible up to a point. If their partner isn’t coercing, forcing, raping them at gunpoint then it’s a women’s fault. I know guys will push boundaries like LMHI. If she will only open their relationship up until they’re married without letting him know then she’s being deceitful. But LMHI may understand this. Could be why he wants to break up. It’s pure speculation but what I was trying to say is most women want monogamy and he’ll have a difficult time finding someone who wants an open relationship after they’re married. It may lead to a bitter divorce battle where she may acvuse him of cheating. Messy.
As for kinky sex, it’s not my thing. It appears to me that once one indulges in kinky sex, the sex never goes back to where it was. It just seems to me that a partner keeps pushing the envelope until the other is gets fed up and leaves.
As for accepting others kinks and all, I agree because no-one is perfect and if one wants to be accepted, they need to accept others the way they are. But what I’m saying is that it’s not healthy to indulge in every kink you can. A little restraint and moderation won’t kill you. It could save your life.
You wouldn’t tell someone morbidly obese to eat that entire chocolate cake (or two) that they should keep doing it just because it makes them feel good. Let’s face it they aren’t starving. But if one says anything, they’re going to be shot down.
Heard you on this AmLife today…
Thanks…
Meh, so the boyfriend has a blood phobia. It could be worse, he could faint at the sight of it.
LMHI, please break up with your girlfriend. She deserves to be with somebody better than a selfish douche like you.
RE: “Leotarded”, As a former ballet dancer I am offended and demand you change it to “incognizant”.
Maybe this makes me insensitive, but I was laughing out loud at “leotarded.”
I think your whole “leotard” bit was too clever by half. Being bombarded by it throughout your column was tiresome. The woman had a valid point which you never honored. Being retarded is no more a choice than being gay. I’m sure you don’t like people using “gay” as an insult. I don’t think retarded people are necessarily “weak” either. Ask Obama. The Special Olympian who challenged him to bowl would’ve cleaned his clock and it would’ve served him right.
Fuck you, LMHI. Don’t be a dick. Some of us who are nice, well-meaning, respectful, and all around decent human beings who can’t find someone to save their life, and not for lack of trying. I’d kill to be in your situation.
Fuck you, LMHI. Don’t be a dick. Some of us are nice, well-meaning, respectful, and all around decent human beings who can’t find someone to save their life, and not for lack of trying. I’d kill to be in your situation.
Down with Twits! Yay, Dan!
On The Outs isn’t necessarily snooping. That pesky autocomplete feature brings up porntastic URLs enough that I use an entirely separate browser program (Safari) for porn browsing, just so I don’t risk hmm-hmm moments while demonstrating things at work (I use the same laptop at work). And sometimes people do want to find stuff again in their own histories, y’know.
Definitely they should get separate laptops. Especially with Dell cutting them loose for sub-$500. Your laptop is your most intimate lover, you really shouldn’t share it… unless you have an e-cuckold fantasy.
Hey–here’s an idea: instead of the following:
a) retarded
b) fucktarded
c) leotarded
why not replace any of the above with “George W. Bush”?
I think that fits–don’t you?
Dan, your funny, poignant reading on “This American Life” on Saturday was one of your best and I’d love a copy of it. Do you plan to post the text online? If so, where?
My experience with religion has been very similar and though I am moved by a stirring gospel choir, I don’t believe the fairy tales any longer. Thank you for putting these feelings to works better than I could. And warm hugs as you deal with the loss of your mom.
Joe
The cup is well loved by many ladies but let me just go on record as HATING it. Personally, I couldn’t get the thing to stay put and the result was one of the most disgusting female moments of my life. If you can get it to work–groovy. If not, absolutely nothing is worth the grossness of its malfunctioning.
WOW 250 Comments and NO one, not one of you really “got” leotarded.
It didn’t cross anyone’s mind how offensive the suggestion of the “retard jar” was? If I write a check to the NAACP can I start throwing around nigger (I donated last year) scott free? If I write a check to GLADD can I use gay as a pejorative?
Dan caught this and instead did something equally stupid and ineffective.