Stop using the word “retarded”
as an insult, Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, but
make an effort. Perhaps you should have a “retard jar” that you put a
dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar is full, send the
money to the Special Olympics.

Whatever you do, though, try to remember
that you have lots of listeners and readers who have loved ones with
mental disabilities, and we don’t want to hear you misuse the word
“retarded.” Please don’t tell me to read or listen to other people if I
don’t like what I hear. I want to read your column and listen to your
podcast, but without the put-downs directed at people with mental
disabilities.

The Real Other Sister

I’m going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and
make a conscious, conscientious effort to break myself of the bad habit
of using the word “retard.” But I don’t think the “retard jar” is for
me. Instead, I’m going to use a substitution for the word. From now on,
instead of saying “retard” or “that’s so retarded,” I’m going to say
“leotard” and “that’s so leotarded.” I won’t be mocking the mentally
challenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the
strong—and the limber—and not the weak.

I’ve lived with my boyfriend
for a little less than a year, and we have awesome sex and a loving
relationship. I’m not naive, and I don’t expect my boyfriend not to
look at porn. However, I’ve made it clear that porn makes me
uncomfortable (I have a weird, visceral distaste), and it makes me feel
insecure (am I not enough?). All I ask is that he clear his browser
history if we’re going to continue sharing computers and that he keep
his porn-viewing habits private.

We had a huge fight about this. He was
raised in an oppressive, religious household and feels my attitude is
oppressively prudish. But I don’t think he should feel ashamed of
looking at pornography, I just don’t want to see it. Why can’t he see
my point of view? Is it unreasonable to expect him to keep this part of
his private life private?

On The Outs

It’s not at all unreasonable to ask him to
be discreet about his porn-viewing habits, OTO, out of consideration
for your feelings. And if he can’t see that, well, then he’s just being
willfully leotarded.

But there are other solutions: Get your own
personal laptops, change his settings so his browser history clears
automatically, and if he makes an effort and slips up now and
then—if you come across a porn-clogged browser
history—clear it yourself and resist the urge to bring it up.

And for the record: It never even occurs to
me to look at the browser history on the computer my boyfriend and I
share. It wouldn’t bother me if he was looking at porn—I’d be
concerned if he wasn’t looking at porn—but there’s no law
that requires you to check out his browser history. Scrutinizing
browser histories is fourth-degree snooping, and only a leotard scrolls
through her boyfriend’s browser history knowing that what she’s likely
to find there is going to upset her.

I’m a 29-year-old hetero male
considering breaking up with my sweet GGG girlfriend of five years. I
can’t find a reason to do it, though. We never fight; she loves to do
all the chores I hate and vice versa; she’s accepting of all my kinks,
from anal to public sex; and we love each other. We’ve been talking
marriage and family all year.

But I miss falling in love, sex is becoming
boring, and my heart aches every time I hear about a girl who wishes I
were single. I told my girlfriend about these things, and she (while
crying) gave me permission to sleep around so long as it’s on her
terms, though her terms are pretty strict. I’m not happy with the
restrictions, but I can’t ask for more because she gets so depressed
talking about it.

Am I being self-destructive in wanting to
throw away the love of my life?

Let Me Have It

You’re being a self-destructive leotard,
LMHI, and your cliché male fear-of-
intimacy issues are
totally leotarded. Perhaps the marriage conversation is making you
jittery—as marriage, in theory at least, means that you’ll never
again experience the heady rush of new love. But your odds of ever
finding another girl—for a long- or short-term
relationship—who loves you, you enjoy living with, and is willing
to give you permission to sleep around, even with conditions, are
infinitesimally small. If you weren’t such a leotard, you would be able
to see that you’re not going to do better than this girl.

And make an effort to kick your sex life
with the girlfriend into gear before you sleep with someone else. If
she was sobbing her eyes out when she gave you permission to sleep with
other people, LMHI, that’s not a good sign. Successful and healthy open
relationships rarely get their start when one partner has consented
under duress. Boring can be fixed, and fixing it may involve opening
this relationship up, but she’s not really ready to go there.

I’m a big fan of something
called the Instead cup, which might help AFTER and her hemo-phobic
boyfriend who doesn’t want to have sex with her at any time during her
period. You can buy them at the big drugstores like CVS here in
California. When I have my period, the Instead cup sits up against my
cervix. It captures all the menstrual blood and keeps it away from my
loving boyfriend’s enormous yet fastidious cock. He often doesn’t even
realize I have it in. It’s a little messy to take out and dispose of,
but it’s totally worth it. Here’s the website: www.softcup.com.

And if AFTER’s boyfriend still won’t fuck
her with one of these handy numbers in, then she should definitely
DTMFA.

Cup Up Pussy

Readers: Since you’re reading this in The
Stranger, you might not know what CUP is referring to. Last week, I
had to cut a question from the local version of this column—a
question from a woman whose boyfriend refused to have sex with her
while she was on her period—to make room for info about HUMP! To
read the letter from Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return and my advice
to her, see last week’s complete column at thestranger.com/savage.

As for you, CUP: I’m familiar—not
intimately so—with the Instead cup. But, like a total leotard, I
spaced it. Thanks for writing.

Longtime fan, Dan, but I don’t
see you on Twitter. It would be a blast! Thanks in advance.

Need More Savage Love

Writing a column and doing a weekly podcast
and blogging aren’t enough? Now I have to Twitter?

Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk
youth who pull the Savage Lovecast together every week may have
dragged my gay ass into the early years of the 21st century—they
created a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/user/dansavage)
and a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/dansavage)—but
I draw the line at Twittering, at least for the time being, as it would
cut into my drinking time.

mail@savagelove.net

308 replies on “Savage Love”

  1. We can all stop using “retarded.” But then we’re going to use “special” or “challenged” in the same way, getting the same laughs as we did before with “retarded.” Then “special” and “challenged” will become no-nos when the linquistic overseers decide on a new term.

  2. People need to stop being so overly sensitive. I have a nephew who’s retarded… that’s right I used the word, and want to know something else? When people use the word around him he doesn’t get mad about it… In fact my experience has been the only people who have a problem with the word retard, are people who are not retarded, which to me is really retarded. So stop being a bunch of retards and go cry about some other perceived social injustice.

  3. Retarded means what it means. I don’t think we should keep neutering the language in service of political correctness. People and things can be retarded in any number of ways. Definition of “retard”:

    to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

    Dan, you could use “idiotic” instead. Though people with mental retardation used to be called “idiots” back in the day. That’s fallen out of fashion, though, so maybe it would suffice?

  4. Viewing a browser history does not actually mean snooping. With modern browser auto-complete address bars she could type in a “P” and the first thing to pop up as a suggestion could be “pussy-emporium.com”. In which case shes just been assaulted by his porn without snooping.

    Buying a second computer in this climate is not a good solution. I would suggest setting up two different user accounts. All the software would be available to each, but the setting for each person would be different. And they autoload when you log in.

    OR, at the very least every recent browser version has a privacy or “porn” mode built in. He should have the sense to tick it when he starts browsing so that none of what he looks at is recorded. Be curtious.

  5. Comment for LMHI:

    My ex BF and I were equally well suited and after 5 years he broke up with me. He then spent the next 25 years regretting it.

    If you really want to create drama in your life, break up with her. You’ll miss her more than you can imagine but by the time you get over yourself she’ll be off happily engaged to a smarter, more appreciative man.

  7. this bad attitude about using the word ‘retarded’ is retarded. ‘to retard’ means to slow or hinder, as in ‘to hinder the development of’ – so someone can be socially retarded, sexually retarded, emotionally retarded, and this has nothing to do with people with other cognitive disabilities. all of these haters are lexically retarded.

  8. truly. I mean, come on, how self-absorbed and available do we have to make ourselves. For the love of God (and I don’t even believe in him/her), don’t twitter. FB should be plenty.

  10. When I was a kid growing up in Australia, our favourite term of abuse was “mong”. Then we grew up.
    Why are you so peevishly holding on to “retard”, and so childishly switching to “leotarded”??? I just don’t get it – it’s offensive, and that includes your thinly-veiled “alternative”.
    Take my advice – drop both “retarded” and “leotarded”, and grow up.

  12. Christopher, I completely disagree with your take. It’s a word. He’s using a replacement word, sure (like “heck” or “fudge”), but he’s making an effort. Drop the sensitivity notch down considerably, and take it for what it is: a good-faith effort to change a habit that bothers, clearly, him and his readers.

  14. A gash gusher cup? That’s nasty! I keep my cooter clean and stuff it with tampoonys until the flow stops entirely. No compaints from my uncle anymore about blood when he fucks me.

  17. News Media, not being anything like mature, have “discovered” Twitter and are promoting it like the latest Xmas toy. Dan is right for not falling for that.

    Twitter is even siller than Facebook for simulated human connection. The interaction is, by its very design, virtually meaningless. Mature people quickly realize the limited value and reserve it for keeping in touch with their kids.

    Applications like Twitter are just another crutch for those addicted to constant, simple-minded stimulus.

    Reading advice columns might also be considered simple-minded by some, but at least one has to be literate to read Dan’s columns -(hopefully also when commenting). They also promote open-mindedness and provide useful information. Things Twitter can hardly claim.

  18. Agreed. Love the column, but the leotard thing was unnecessary and unfunny. It was a serious request, and as someone who is widely read, you would do well to set an example. You’re accepting of all sorts of sexual kinks, why not be accepting of those who don’t want to feel that their loved ones are being affronted every time they want to read your column?

  19. Regarding browser history. A couple people mentioned Google Chrome, which has the “incognito” option to open up a private session whose history won’t be saved. Another plus for Google Chrome is that you can create separate *profiles* so that your browser history will be saved, but you won’t have to look at his browser history. Much better than buying a second computer, logging out every time you want to switch users, or having to use two different browsers as some other people have suggested.

  20. Re: Let Me Have It

    I have been in the situation a couple of times before myself. A lot of single women (or men) will flirt with you and lead you on when you are in a relationship because, well, you are not in a position to do anything about it and they enjoy the casual attention. I think you will find the prospects diminished considerably once you are actually in a position respond to their advances.

    I broke up with someone wonderful for this very reason, and once I did all the women who once fawned over me scattered quickly. I still regret it.

    Better to evaluate your relationship on its own merits than compare it to a dozen imaginary one. If you have perfectionist tendencies like me, you always imagine other people’s lives and relationships to be much better than your own.

  21. Re: Browsing History and Snooping

    Dan, I know you’re a computer-leotard and all, but most browsers have an Auto Fill setting that makes any semi-matching websites in the history appear in the address bar as you type.

    For example, the girlfriend could go to type “google” in the search bar, and when she typed “go”, the website “www.gobs-of-cum.com” would appear if that was in your history.

    In other words, she doesn’t need to be purposely snooping to have the boyfriend’s porn habits put on display. It is possible, however, to disable the “Auto Fill” feature on a browser.

  22. Maybe using the word “retarded” isn’t really that bad. It’s all about how it’s used, right? “Retarded” literally means delayed or impeded. It can be used to describe a person’s state: socially, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, etc. So let’s not retard people’s ability to let words evolve into new totally not offensive meanings. Saying something like “Jews are retarded” is kind of vague, and probably inappropriate. Try to figure out exactly how they are “retarded.” For example, “George Costanza is socially retarded,” is fine, because it doesn’t allude to or offend the “differently abled”, and it is fairly accurate. Be specific.

  23. One taboo Dan, one taboo will stop all free thought, because crossing the line into that socially punishable thought (taboo) is always possible. A single taboo retards all thought. And you Dan are so retarded.

    Your advice to Let Me Have It brings to mind 1950s morality. Imagine one of a straight couple coming to realize an irresistable attraction to another of the same sex. One can imagine the charges of self destructive behaviour, of throwing it all away and then some well-meaning advice to do the best with what you’ve got. But we don’t need to use our imaginations, you Dan, you fucking retard, you’re doing it right now.

    You’re treating polyamory like it’s some game-playing exercise, a way to fix the boredom. Is this what homosexuality is? Look, homosexuality was until very recently considered a social deviancy, and still in some spheres, considered such, considered an abomination, and yet today, gays marry, they live together in houses, adopt children as a couple, they vote republican… “Why… they’re just like us!”

    Thing is, polyamorists are not like “us.” They can never be like “us.” You write, “marriage, in theory at least, means that you’ll never again experience the heady rush of new love.” How can this be acceptable?

    Who are the most vocal and vicious opponents of homosexuality? What are the conservative institutions that need preserving? Church, Family. Why? I’m not going into some conspiracy theory. But as someone who recognized our purely physical existence, not living in the here an now is totally unacceptable. Marriage creates a “love taboo.” Sure, the chances of meeting someone and falling in love are pretty slim. We both know attractive straight single people who can’t find that significant other. But if we are open to it, we sometimes do fall in love. It’s rare and it’s awesome. We live once, but that’s no reason to only love once. The “love taboo” is constantly threatened by the slim possibility of falling in love. To avoid this dangerous other love, we avoid closeness, the intimacy out of which love might grow. Falling in love could ruin everything. What? Who wants to live in a world where the only thing worth living for is considered destructive? (probably people who believe another better world is waiting for them.)

    Look at the fear-mongering going on around socialism right now. It’s bordering on hysteria, very similar to the way gay marriage is considered. Socialism, too, is a threat to the church and the family. The early European socialist knew full well that the institution of family, was imposed on people by the church, and for this reason wanted to do away with both institutions. But if socialism is defined simply as the practices necessary for the full development of the entire human species, then yes the institutions that limit our ability to be fully human need to be abolished.

    LMHI is like everyone in western society completely conditioned to behave in acceptable ways, these ways are unfree, but when he opens up the relationship, when his girlfriend stops crying and falls in love with another man, this is when the bonds of love are tested, and if they hold, and from the short letter it looks like they will, he’ll be on his way to a totally different world. My advice would be to read and watch A Clockwork Orange together, and to really try to understand that our social conditioning is a very physical thing; that when we cross the socially set lines it hurts physically. The one try thing you said dan, was that she was not ready, and I’d say he isn’t either, because once he crosses the line, she’ll cross it, and he won’t be ready for that. A big hurt is coming, but it’ll be worth it.

  24. uhhh Dan
    time to grow up…stop the leotard comments. it takes a lot of energy to keep remebering to say leotard…why don’t you just stop? i agree it is mean spirited. Maybe some people who thought you were being juvenile might take your sex column seriously….
    because we seriously need a sex column

  25. PS
    Having someone in your family (or a friend) who is developmentally challenged does not make you an expert on their lives or give you permission for using the “r” word…just as if you have someone in your family who is gay – does not make you an expert on the gays and give you permission to use it as a put down. Dan back to junior high.

  27. OTO and her boyfriend need to get a geeky friend to help them set up separate user accounts on their computer with passwords. This should help keep her from snooping. Multiple accounts on windows and mac based PCs are not to difficult and even easier when you know someone with computer smarts.

  28. in regards to the posting by “LMHI”. I have to agree with Dan’s comments. If all you seek is that feeling of falling in love then you will never have the home, family and kids you seem to have an interest in. On the other hand, if you feel you’re missing something then you’re never really going to be happy with your present girlfriend.

  29. TROS doesn’t speak for everyone. I have known and loved a family member who is, well, retarded, for a long time. Not only do I not give a shit if people say “retarded,” either in reference to him or to others (because what people say changes my relationship with him not a fucking iota), but I also hate to be dictated to by a holier-than-thou “retard protector” like TROS. Go your way and let everyone else go theirs, lady.

  30. Loved all the other Dan-inverted or Dan-popularized terms, but the “leotard” one was mean. Add my voice to all the others politely requesting that it would go away, along with the misuse of “retard.” Please, Dan?

  31. I found the “Leotard” solution offensive and condescending. If a columnist was using derogatory terms for LGB or T people, I can’t imagine switching to saying “bomo” or “laggot” would be acceptable. Dan should give others the kind of respect he rightfully expects for his community, otherwise it’s hypocrisy.

  32. Personally, I use the Boston pronunciation —retahded —as an insult. Since I’m not from Boston, I would never use this to describe someone who is actually mentally challenged. TRy it. It’s wicked.

  33. To that dude, with best girlfriend, I wanna say that if he doesn’t want her- I do. I am a dyke who will treat her right. let me know, she sounds incredible. man up or let go.

  34. Substituting leotard for retard is R/L flippage, and could be offensive to speakers of Engrish. Herro! but still, i like it.

  36. Lately browsers have taken to including stuff from the global history in the drop-down list of choices when you type into the URL bar. I’ve had a couple of embarrassing moments that way.

    Another solution: IE8 and Firefox 3.5 (due out Real Soon Now) have a “private browsing mode” in which they save no history.

  37. I’ve tried the cup… not for the purpose mentioned herein, just as an alternative choice to tampons… and I had trouble fitting it, and it turned into a mess. I only tried it once, so I’m not an expert, just thought I’d comment. If it worked for you, it could solve all your problems.

    Also, what about doing it in the shower or some other kind of water-related scenario?

    And, all that said, your bf sounds like a jerk… I hope he wises up.

  38. Well… I got some of the softcups. I really really really wanted them to work. I have tried about 5 times now >.>

    The softcup won’t stay in!

    *yosemite samming*

    I’ll keep trying, and if I still don’t get it to work, I’ll take one to my gyno and ask if I’m too small or doing it wrong. Good luck to all the others that try it!

  39. That’s leotarded? Fuck you Dan. How bout if I say “That’s so May?” I’m not saying gay, I’m just making fun of people who like spring.
    My sister’s got downs. I’ve kicked people like yours ass before for pushing her around.
    Have a heart.

  40. Yeah, Dan, you should just have not printed the guilt-tripping retard letter. All the veiled retard comments were just too retarded. You ended up looking like a retard.

  41. Most of the time this column is great. But the leotard thing is barely funny at best when done once and, repeated appoximately 78 times as it is here, it’s juvenile, embarrassing, and just fucking stupid (“fucking stupid” is a good substitute for the other word, by the way, especially in a sex column).

    Better luck next time, Dan.

  42. LMHI SHOULD have an open relationship. I love it when men who want an open relationship don’t even think what that means for their women. Practically every guy on earth is an immediate “yes” for sex. With 85-90% of men estimated to be straight, that’s a lot of penis just waiting for a willing woman. LMHI’s woman should make out with (or sleep with if that appeals) a different guy a night for a month and then ask her man how he feels about an open relationship.

  43. I tried the Instead cup a few years ago and couldn’t make it not leak. Plus, it’s expensive and not re-useable, so it’s really wasteful. Ladies, do yourselves a favor and get a Mooncup or Diva Cup. Best thing I’ve discovered in years. Only you can’t have sex with it in, so it won’t solve AFTER’s problem.

    And thanks Dan for avoiding Twitter! I’m (probably naively) hoping this trend blows over soon.

  44. About computer porn:
    If you’re using the newest version of firefox, the browser history just starts showing up as you type. If you’re using Google chrome, screen shots of frequently visited pages show up.

    The solution, I think, is for the guy to use Google Chrome in the Incognito mode which would suit their needs very well. Nothing you do in Incognito mode is logged or saved to your computer.

  45. I think it was pretty uncool of you to cut stuff out of last week’s column without mentioning that you did so. I don’t live in Seattle and was bored by the Hump stuff. Are you telling me I have to read your column elsewhere to be sure I’m getting the full one? Plus, you edit the paper, why couldn’t you put the Hump stuff somewhere else!

  46. about “on the outs”..c’mon dan. to get here i typed http://www.t for ‘the stranger’ and the fact i had been to ‘thelema coast to coast’ in the past was brought to my attention. OTO (there’s a shitload of irony, there!) might not be “snooping”. you owe her a…well, nothing what so ever. i’m just sayin’.

  47. Great new use of “leotard”, Dan! And I’m with you on twittering.

    You continue to ROCK!

    I wish there were more guys out there like you.

  48. Thank God someone who is finally sane enough to realize that their every single move is absolutely not that freakin’ important and refuses to twitter to the world everytime they take a crap! Sorry to offend all of you ego driven maniacs whose entire lives are spent on their cell, IM’ing, texting, sexting and twittering to world their every waking moment but you really need to get a life!

  50. Dan, I think you missed the point with LMHI. The guy doesnt want to have sex with other women, he wants to “fall in love”. No woman, or rather partner, could be secure in an open relationship where one of them is looking for “love” outside the relationship. Is his plan to make other women love him and them dump them?(very mean) Because if his plan is to fall in love with them, it will end in the loss of his partner. This seems like a very red flag. And not a healthy open relationship.

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