I am a 28-year-old straight
woman who has been dating a 24-year-old straight male for two months.
Recently, I gave him oral sex while he was seated naked on my couch.
The next day, as I went to sit on the couch, I noticed a brown stain on
the cushion that looked highly suspicious. I have come to the
conclusion that it was, in fact, poo. The stain had a streakish quality
and was located where his buttcrack region was placed during the
encounter. And furthermore, I smelled it. And I know what shit smells
like!
Okay, so the question: WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
Is this normal for men? Can I talk to him about this? Should I? I would
like to be open and honest with him, but how do I even broach the
subject?
I suspect that he knows that shit stains are
an issue for him, because we were recently packing for a weekend trip
and he got upset when I went to fold/pack his underwear. He wouldn’t
let me handle the undies because he didn’t want me to “see any stains.”
I didn’t think anything of it, assuming that he left occasional skid
marks as some guys do, and I just made a joke about my period panties
and moved on. But now I am annoyed. He should have realized what had
happened when I blew him and at least tried to clean it up while I was
sleeping or otherwise occupied.
Is pooping on the couch a deal breaker? Or
can we be “cleaner” in the future and protect my bedding and furniture
somehow?
Shit On Furniture Annoys Girl A Lot
Seeing as he’s aware that he has a
problem—he acknowledged as much when he kept his underwear out of
your hands—this straight boy, at the very least, should’ve
thought to spot-check your sofa after grinding his ass into it for the
duration of that blowjob. But you have to take some responsibility,
too, SOFAGAL. You encouraged this young man to plop his naked ass down
on your sofa and proceeded to engage in the kinds of behaviors that
would cause any man to (1) open his legs and (2) grind his ass into
whatever he happened to be sitting on. And where bare asses are set,
shit stains are always a possibility.
So I’d say you’re both at fault, SOFAGAL.
Knowing what he knows about his own ass, the boy should’ve eyeballed
your sofa and discreetly cleaned up after himself. But, again, shit
stains can happen when you allow a nude man to sit his bare ass on your
sofa, SOFAGAL, and commence blowing him. If I may invoke/resurrect a
Rumsfeldism: Prior to this incident, blowjob-related shit stains on the
sofa were, for you, an unknown unknown—something you
didn’t know you didn’t know—but in the wake of this incident,
shit stains are now a known known. And knowing what you now
know, SOFAGAL, you might consider placing a towel—might I suggest
a beige one?—on any sofa that you invite this man, or any other
man, to set his bare bottom on prior to blowing him.
Finally, SOFAGAL, how to broach the subject?
With a sense of humor. Sex can be messy, and shit happens quite
literally sometimes—and not just to men. Let him know that he
tagged your sofa—try to smile when you say it—and then head
to the nearest gay neighborhood to pick up some brown or beige bath
towels. And come on, how bad can it really have been if you didn’t
notice when your nose was down there?
My wife and I got into S&M about two years ago, and it’s done a wonderful job of spicing up an
otherwise very vanilla marriage. It was the odd happy ending to the
usual doomed story of “husband who knows he’s submissive finally gets
courage to tell vanilla wife.” We’re constantly upping our
game—we went from pegging and D/s to flogging to hardcore
beatings pretty swiftly, and we want to continue to push our
boundaries.
Now we’re looking into electrical play. Our
question is about cattle prods. Are they safe? We’ve seen a couple of
BDSM porn movies where a cattle prod gets used, but we have no idea if
these are prop cattle prods or the real deal. And are there any books
out there on safe electro-stim play?
Sub Needs Some Shocks
“Electric play is a great addition to BDSM,
but cattle prods are a bad choice as they’re not designed for use on
humans,” says David X, an electrical engineer who used to work in tech
but today designs e-stim products for Eros Tek. “There are several
reports of muscle injuries and even a few broken bones from
prod-induced involuntary muscle contractions,” David continues. “Burns
and nerve damage are also possible. There really isn’t any way to make
a cattle prod safe, but if you must, use it only below the waist and
make each shock as brief as possible. Make sure the submissive does not
have weight or tension on their limbs and has room for safe
movement.”
And if you’re attached to your balls, SNSS,
and would like to remain attached to them, make sure they’re not tied
to anything. But, again, neither David nor I think you should use a
cattle prod at all. David has a bias, of course, and would prefer to
see you purchase something designed for use on humans—preferably
something designed by him—but your bias-free advice professional
strongly agrees with David: Invest in a product designed for use on
humans.
“The best devices for BDSM electric play are
made for that purpose,” says David. “They can deliver very intense
sensations while being much safer than a cattle prod. As for books,
you’re best off following the instructions that come with whatever
device you purchase. This is another advantage of the BDSM
products—they come with instructions for using them on humans
instead of cattle.”
I’m a 23-year-old straight
female. I have been friends with this guy for the past two and a half
years and would like to continue. Problem is he gets jealous (because
he has the hots for me, but I’m not interested) and a bit distant
whenever there is a boyfriend/date in the picture. I’m not sure if I
should approach him about this or not.
Just Friends Jealousy
Maintaining a friendship with a man who has
the “hots” for you when you’re not interested isn’t kind, JFJ, it’s
emotionally sadistic. Maybe it’s thoughtless sadism on your part, but
it’s sadism nonetheless. Because for as long as you’re hanging out with
him, JFJ, he’s going to delude himself into thinking that he has a
chance with you. And every time a potential boyfriend appears on the
horizon—someone for whom you do have the hots—he’s going to
realize, once again, that he’s a fool and, perhaps, being played for
one. (How many times has he helped you move?)
Your friendship, while a marvelous treasure
under most circumstances, is not a consolation prize for this guy. It’s
a torment. He doesn’t have the strength to cut you out of his
life—something that, if he’s reading, I would strongly advise him
to do—so you’re going to have to do it for him, JFJ. If you
don’t, well, you can’t claim that your sadism is thoughtless anymore.
It’s overt, conscious cruelty—”mean girl” bullshit. And if you’re
not careful, Garfunkel & Oates will write a song about you. 
So you can’t ever be friends with someone who’s ever had the hots for you? It’s always sadism? Doesn’t seem fair to me. If you’re both open about the attraction & address the fact that it’s never going to be an option, but the guy thinks the friendship is still worth it, why not?
That’s basically saying that straight men and women can never be friends if a tension ever exists that’s not acted upon. I’ve got great male friends who were once attracted me and nobody is stringing anybody along. They think I’m worth it to have in their lives even knowing that they’ll never date me. I don’t see the problem if JFJ’s guy can handle it.
I disagree with the first one – on account that SOFAGAL’s boyfriend might be refusing to clean his shit because he’s negating to himself that it even happened because he’s so embarrassed. If he’s negating, he’s, for all practical purpose, ignorant of his problem.
This is a useful distinction, because if SOFAGAL is freaking out for a tiny stain on her sofa to the point that she might dump the poor slob already, she sure isn’t going to be nice about it.
SOFAGAL: if your boyfriend is too freaked out to tell you or even himself, maybe it would be a nice thing to realize that the crap on your sofa isn’t such a big deal. Anything else is likely to pull more crap out of him – metaphorically and literally.
I’m not sure I agree entirely with your advice to JFJ… There are situations where you can’t just stop being friends with some one: One example would be when you have a group of mutual friends, and it would be unfair if one of you had to stop seeing them because of your “break up”. Plus, the affection that comes with a friendship is not worthless. The fault and responsibility is not with JFJ, but with the guy who has the “hots” for her. He has to make the first move and stop being around her, or stop being an asshole and guilt tripping his friend. Dan, your response labels JFJ as a “tease” off the bat. You don’t stop to think that her “friend” might be a manipulative jerk who uses guilt as leverage to eventually get in her pants.
SOFAGIRL: Be upfront and honest with your boyfriend. Withholding thoughts and feelings doesn’t create a stronger relationship.
SNSS: ouchies!
JFJ: Again, be upfront and honest. If not, then relationship karma will bite you in the ass.
Is there a way JFJ can keep the door open for a friendship later down the road? Or is it best to just cut all ties?
I’m surprised to see you had nothing to say in this week’s column about the recent accidental death of actor David Carradine. You usually take these opportunities to reinforce the importance of safe BDSM play.
After talking to some of my co-workers, they seemed to joke about how strange this freak death is. After reading your column for several years, I couldn’t help but argue how common these deaths really are and how they’re only brought to light when public figures are at the tragic end.
Is it time to reiterate BDSM safety procedures?
P.S. My husband wants to establish the fact that he’s never had any shit stains on his draws… what’s with the male stereotype of streaks?
sigh. so i’ve been JFJ about a million times. i’m a cute girl who likes board sports and pot, it sort of happens. am i a mean girl and emotional sadist and overtly cruel to every guy that i like being friends with even though i know that i know he is hiding a crush on me? do i have to cut off every friendship as soon as i start to suspect there might possibly be an underlayer of harry-met-sally-ness?
I’m always completely honest with my feelings, but if he wants to keep hanging out and just ignore it am i automatically the bitch? Isn’t it kind of up to the guy at some point? Am i supposed to just cut off friendships? At age 23 doesn’t everyone sort of have secret hots for everyone?
Dan…? Thoughts?
danielle@3: who the fuck cares if you’re first. and your not. and that’s all you had to say? please go away forever.
and jfj, you love the attention. admit it. garfunkel and oates are working on that song as we speak, and if they aren’t, dan needs to make sure of it.
@mokawi: shit is a big deal to some (most?) people. when poopoo is found on a couch then remembered in some undies it leads to thoughts, probably accurate, of poopoo on toilet seats, blankets, comforters, carpet, etc. shitty sheets! who wants them? definately not females who can end up with urinary tract infections from doodoo germs. these same germs can also cause stomache problems, & pink eye according to the movie Knocked Up. not good. & stinky too.
it’s my opinion that people need to take care of their asses. i know that some dudes & ladies have hairier butts. try using baby wipes/feminine hygene wipes!
post script- i have an ex-boyfriend who was not a good wiper. it’s disgusting & difficult to approach the subject. that’s why everyone needs to just clean up!
SOFAGIRL: He could be blissfully unaware.. Ive never thought that I have done that before, but hey maybe I have? Also if hes a fury guy theres gonna be more of a chance for that kind of thing.. get him to trim it up a little.. nothing crazy, just get the clippers and shorten it up. You’ll both be happier!
SNSS: Pics or it didn’t happen.
JFJ: Just be completely honest. You like him as a buddy and don’t want anything more. If he still sticks around, maybe your not the sadist, he’s the masochist.
okay, i’m going to have to disagree with the advice to SOFAGAL here. while i agree that sex can be messy – and that you should be prepared for a potential poo-encounter during certain activities – giving a guy a blowjob while he’s sitting on your couch is NOT one of them. i’m sorry, but poo should stay in your buttHOLE. if contact with your inner cheek/outer crack area is smearing a noticeable amount of poo into the couch, then YOUR BUTT IS DIRTY. my SO and i have both have our bare asses ground against many a thing in this apartment, and none of them have shit-smears. that is gross, and i would be appalled by the fact that someone who knew they had a problem like that wouldn’t do a courtesy-check post-bj. let’s not blame the victim, dan!
The question with regards to JFJ is WHY she doesn’t have the hots for him. Is it because he’s just plain not attractive, or because she doesn’t find certain aspects of his personality appealing for her?
If it’s the former, then leading him on is a right bitch move, and the only way out is a breakup. But if it’s the latter, there are a couple other endings, which I offer as a former “friend who had the hots for girls who didn’t have the hots for him” guy.
One is the status quo is maintained until JFJ grows out of her desire to date jerks and jumps into bed with the guy who has offering the healthy relationship for 2.5 years. Alcohol can take the edge off the initial hookup.
Another is that the friend gets frustrated on his own, starts treating JFJ less well, and triggers her romantic desire as a result. As I got older I realized this was much faster than waiting for the girl to grow up. And a lot easier, once you accept your inner asshole.
Another is JFJ just tells the guy straight up she isn’t romantically interested, but makes a sincere effort to hook her friend up with her female friends. It should be easier to be friends when the guy has someone else to focus his hots on.
But all of those only work if the guy isn’t just plain generally unattractive but willing to help JFJ move.
@ellarosa: G&O may or may not be working on that song, but The Onion is covering it.
http://digg.com/d1tMN6
About SOFAGAL: some guys have a kind of perverse blindness about their shitty assholes. I had a friend who claimed as an excuse that ALL men had lots of skidmarks in their underwear–though the real problem was that he was too fat and lazy or prissy to clean up. This slob even has skidmarks on his sheets nowadays. Likewise I dated a guy who had a phobia about touching his own asshole, so he would barely clean it and would pretend like nothing was going on…this made it difficult when I wanted to have fun with his (otherwise) beautiful butt.
One way for SOFAGAL to deal with this is to insist that her guy shower before they do it–but even then, she has to say he needs to scrub every inch, “even your butt.” WITH SOME GUYS THEY ARE SO STUPID OR LAZY OR IN DENIAL YOU HAVE TO TELL THEM TO CLEAN THEIR BUTTS. This is not a gay/straight issue. It is a male issue. I am gay and the two guys I have mentioned are gay.
I agree 100% w/ the advice to JLJ. He’s wasting his energy, waiting around for something that’s never going to happen, and she’s enjoying every minute of it. I note her lack of empathy. Sure, she *understands* why he’d be jealous, but she doesn’t feel the emotional angst of unrequited love. It fucking hurts, and JLJ would be doing the guy a kindness & call it off.
And guys, don’t ever fall into the JLJ trap. It’s a sucker bet, every time. You can only lose.
I agree with the majority here, that skid-marks are supposed to be a rarity, not standard operating procedure. Doesn’t poopy-butt boyfriend get itchy and infected with that sloppy cleanup? I sure do. If I don’t have a baby-wipe, a wet paper towel will work. If I can’t find that, I hold it for as many hours as needed. That may seem uptight, but I don’t have poop on my underwear! And this boyfriend’s underwear has PERMANENT stains from it? Does he not know how to do laundry? Also: I have a very “fuzzy” boyfriend, and he never has skid marks either.
babywipes and tucks are good for cleaning a butt well. Maybe SOFAGAL should invest in some for her bathroom. (and yes, tell the guy, with humor.)
@biggie: Wow, projecting much? Who says JFJ is dating “jerks”? Who says she owes it to this guy to pimp out her other friends to him? And alcohol will take the edge off that first hookup? That plus finding “your inner asshole” sounds like a fabulous cquaintance-rape setup to me!
If it’s been made clear to all parties that there won’t be any romantic entanglement, honesty is all anyone owes to anybody. Girls don’t go for “jerks”; they go for guys (and girls) with enough confidence and self-respect to pursue relationships when it’s appropriate and welcomed and not hang around for “2.5 years” hoping to guilt-trip their way into bed with a girl by moving enough boxes.
Re SOFAGAL, I feel your pain (and your gross-out). But as a lifelong nudist who has lived in various nudist communities, I can report that the Number 1 rule in every nude household is, Use A Towel Use A Towel Use A Towel. We buy nice bath sheet sized ones (preferably matching, and dark is a good thing but not black — that can be just as bad) and throw one down anytime someone might be coming over to visit, whether it is a sexual occasion or not. Put a second one down next to him for yourself before you start making out and he won’t feel shamed. Good advice by Dan, but I disagree that she should mention it.
Dan, you are wrong about JFJ. Completely, embarrassingly, sadly, wrong.
Either the guy has sacked up and asked her out or he hasn’t. If he has, and she has said no, then he’s a grown up and should do whatever he needs to to deal with it. Leave, stay, whatever – it’s his problem and not hers.
If he hasn’t? Too damn bad. The guy can’t even get together the courage to ask her out, but is brave enough to act like a brat whenever she’s dating someone else.
This situation is his fault entirely. He loves her, he hangs around with her even though there isn’t a chance of them getting together, he throws a shitfit when she goes out with another guy.
And the ‘helped you move,’ bit. Seriously? You, Dan, are hiring some *fucked up* moving companies if you think helping a girl move means she should put out.
The only thing JFJ has been doing is living her life, with a friend who has decided to sulk every time it becomes clear that she’s not going to jump into bed with him.
I think she probably should, in fact, leave the whining loser. But lets place the blame where it belongs.
Dan, you are wrong in your attitude toward JFJ. Completely, embarrassingly, sadly, wrong.
Either the guy has sacked up and asked her out or he hasn’t. If he has, and she has said no, then he’s a grown up and should do whatever he needs to to deal with it. Leave, stay, whatever – it’s his problem and not hers.
If he hasn’t? Too damn bad. The guy can’t even get together the courage to ask her out, but manages to be brave enough to act like a brat whenever she’s dating someone else. What a prize.
This situation is his fault entirely. *He* loves her, *he* hangs around with her even though there isn’t a chance of them getting together, *he* throws a shitfit when she goes out with another guy.
And the ‘helped you move,’ bit. Seriously? You, Dan, are hiring some *messed up* moving companies if you think helping a girl move means she should put out.
The only thing JFJ has been doing is living her life, with a friend who has decided to sulk every time it becomes clear that she’s not going to jump into bed with him.
I think she probably should, in fact, leave the whining loser. But lets place the blame where it belongs.
I don’t ever get skid marks on my underwear… but maybe that’s because I actually wipe my ass. SOFAGAL should confront her boyfriend about this immediately, and when he plays innocent (and he will) she should dump his ass. I know it seems harsh, but people who aren’t potty-trained are too immature to have sex anyway.
@lilin
Dan is not suggesting that girls should put out when they get help moving (or whatever). He is suggesting that girls who take advantage of guys who help them move because they want to get in their pants (as opposed to guys who help them move because they’ve been offered beer & pizza) are douchetrucks.
I think it is possible to maintain a friendship despite a one-way attraction, but it distinctly sounds like that’s not JFJ’s situation. Dan’s advice seems good. I think he is trying to encourage taking responsibility for the relationship, not blaming anyone.
I have to agree with Dan on JFJ.
When a girl is rejected (sexually, romantically) by a guy, she can conceive of still being friends with him.
So, she thinks, “obviously if I turn down a guy, he knows we are only friends…”
I’m afraid he may know that in his head, but his heart and his dick are going to keep guiding his actions. Dan’s comments about him helping her move, or other social favors, is probably dead on the money. He still feels that because they know each other, there is a chance she’ll come around to him.
At the same time, this blinds him to potential relationships with women who are actually interested in having a romantic relationship with him.
It would be much kinder to him to break the chain completely rather than the half-assed “we can be great friends! but I’m never having sex with you…”
There is a reason ‘nice guy’ and ‘friend zone’ are recognized cultural terms.
Previewing Your Comment
Re: Savage Love
@salamander
I don’t recall the girl saying she asked that guy for any favors whatsoever. I recall Dan assuming that she *must* be taking advantage of the poor, poor guy. That’s a shitty attitude, and jfj doesn’t deserve it.
As for who is the douchetruck, I’ve helped friends move. I have helped a guy friend move. I spent an entire day assembling ikea furniture and getting a mattress up a set of stairs, and no one was hurt or taken advantage of. Why?
1. I’m a big girl and can say ‘no.’
2. I assumed that the last box I opened would have a pizza in it and not his dick wrapped in ribbons.
The guy (or girl) who hangs around you as a friend and then gets bitchy because they don’t jump to significant other status after x amount of favors is the douchetruck.
The advice to JFJ was… Well, to be a bit blunt, on the ridiculous side. I’ve told plenty of friends that I have crushes on them. They tell me they’re not interested. I keep being friends with them, and I’m happy for them when they do find someone who’s right for them. I can list at least six examples of this in my life.
I’m a woman, so perhaps you’ll say that makes a difference. But it’s possible to move on without breaking a connection. Seriously, why would you blame her? She rejected him; it’s up to him to stay or go. She’s not necessarily toting with him. It’s not her fault that her friend is attracted to her and is a bit of a jealous jerk at times. He needs to learn to cope.
I’m disappointed that, out of the hundreds (thousands?) of emails you get, you singled her out for an undeserved lecture. Don’t quote the dictionary about advice, please; I understand that it was you she asked. But I disagree with your advice.
To JFJ: I think that you should talk to him if it’s really getting to be a problem. That’s about all the advice I can give, aside from saying I don’t think you deserved what Dan said. Sadistic? Tch. Not what I’d call sadism. Good luck to you.
Right on about JFJ. I see what others are saying (everybody has crushes and they guy should grow a pair), but it doesn’t sound like the guy just has a crush. It sounds like he has a serious thing for her, and she knows it. Whether or not he’s a little bitch doesn’t enter into it, not if she’s really a friend. If she’s really a friend, she’ll consider what’s in his best interest and do for him what he can’t realize he needs to do for himself. Yeah, things will be tough if they have a lot of mutual friends or if they work together, but you don’t have to be friends with everyone your friends know or everyone you work with. (If his presence is that unavoidable, downgrade to acquaintanceship.) Though, since JFJ herself acknowledged that ending the friendship was a possibility (and didn’t suggest why it might be hard), then I suspect it’s doable.
To be fair, girls and guys at that age get into those situations all the time.
Yes, she’s a tad evil, yes he’s mainly spineless and yes both parties have their share of issues.
If they were both so self aware neither would be in this predicament – but again at that age…
So waddaya gonnado? Ok, she could do some noble thing like explain why they can’t be friends anymore – kinda dopey imho. Ideally he should grow a pair and either shit or get off the pot (sorry sofagal).
But who among us has never been on either or both sides of unrequited love? I mean its one of the many things that people go through and isn’t likely to change any time soon given the number of songs, poems and books written about it.
I don’t think you gave her bad advice, but rather advice that she won’t act on and ultimately won’t need to. Eventually fate will decide for them and things will evolve/change – someone moves for a job, moves in with a lover, etc….
C’est la vie bay bay!
Gros bisous from France!
SOFAGAL should be tougher on her skidmark bf. I once had a bf who didn’t wipe his ass properly and it was unpleasant. He didn’t have a hairy ass, he just had bad hygiene. Same guy had a smegma problem, a bad breath problem, a B.O. problem, a greasy hair problem, etc. I’ve had plenty of shit-free ass-grinding from every man (including a seriously furry-assed satyrs) with the exception of Mr. Sopa-o-phobia. It sounds like SOFAGAL’s guy may just have hygiene issues. In which case, DTMFA or edumucate him on proper wiping.
As for JFJ, I don’t think she’s necessarily being a sadist; that was really harsh. Girls often really are naive enough to think that they can “just be friends” with unrequited lovesick men. Her friend should have gotten over himself, and it’s well-advised to cut him out of the picture, but it’s not fair from what was said to act as though she was knowingly taking advantage of him.
Not to mention, Dan, us ladies are all too used to being crushed on by every straight male coworker, classmate, acquaintance, and friend we have. This is precisely why we don’t write off a friendship the second a guy shows signs of romantic or sexual interest. We’d have to wear burkas and be homemakers to avoid making male friends who might end up being attracted to us.
My general standard on the JFJ situation: if he’s not going to end up in a real relationship with you, don’t let him do jack for you. Don’t let him help you move, don’t let him pay for meals or drinks, and so forth. Once those conditions are well-known for a while, then make it clear you aren’t going to sleep with him.
There are 2 reasons for this: (1) this will help JFJ sort out whether she likes him as a friend or likes him as an unpaid helping lapdog. (2) this will make this guy feel a bit less used when she tells him he doesn’t stand a chance.
All these people complaining about the advice to JFJ are missing the point. The deal is that this has been going on for a looooong time, almost three years, and he’s unable to pack his baggage up and move on. She’s known how he feels, she plainly sees that it’s affecting the “friendship” (he’s jealous and distant whenever she gets a new bf). What he’s doing is kind of shitty too, since he’s using the friendship as blackmail to try and get her to break up or spend less time with her boyfriends, but he isn’t the one writing the letter. She needs to, if not stop hanging out with him altogether, at the very least do it much, much less often. That way, even if he doesn’t get the picture he still won’t be able to cause problems.
Um, could you refrain from using alcohol to “take the edge off the initial hookup”, biggie? Cause I don’t know your situation and don’t mean to come down on you personally, but I’ve had two good female friends in the last year crying in my arms because male “friends,” people they thought they could trust, took advantage of them when they were drunk and emotionally vulnerable. Afterward these women had nightmares about the incidents, felt violated, ashamed, and utterly betrayed, but were afraid to speak up because they were afraid people would side with the men. The men, meanwhile, proceeded to stomp around like spoiled toddlers who’d been denied a sweetie because the women didn’t fall instantly into their arms as they felt they were entitled to. Oddly, they didn’t seem very interested in how the women felt about what would happen, which I found very strange as I personally tend to actually, yanno, care when I hurt people I’m friends with, much less claim to love. Here’s a few rules of thumb.
,
1) If a woman you know won’t sleep with you sober, there’s a good chance she’s not going to be okay with having slept with you drunk. If you do it anyway, you’re not a good guy. You’re an asshole who takes advantage of women.
2) If it pisses you off when your female friends date guys you label predators instead of you, maybe you should consider your own behavior. If you’re sniffing around a woman, acting like you actually care about her while you just want in her pants, trying to use guilt and moments of weakness to eventually trick your way into her bed, that makes you just as bad as any of those predators. It makes you a scavenger; i.e. a predator with less confidence and inferior dress sense.
I knew you’d get flak for your response to JFJ, but you are right on the money.
Enough with the poop. I wanna know what “D/s” are. Someone please explain. Thank you.
I agree–the advice to JFJ was way too harsh, and assumed that her guy friend should take none of the responsibility.
I was just friends with a guy who had a thing for me for twelve years. I turned him down–more than once–when he asked me out. He was clear. I was clear. Eventually he married someone else, and I was friends with both of them.
Then he and his wife divorced–a process, I must emphasize, that I did nothing to encourage. In fact, I suggested that they work out their issues. Once the dust had settled and the paperwork dealt with, my friend asked me out. Again. And to my surprise, I was able to view things in a different light. We had both grown up, and now we have been very happily married for nearly ten years, with a child we both adore. In this case, I think, the qualities that made for a good friendship have also made for a good marriage. We know, like, and trust one another.
I should also emphasize, though, that both of us were honest, that I did my best not to torture him, and that he did not in any way guilt trip me. JFJ might never want to date her male friend, but if there’s any chance, I’d suggest that she view this situation as an example of how they both deal with difficult situations. Do you like what you see? Should he like what he sees?
For the girl with guy friend: http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/…
Just want to agree with something Brandon J. said above: shit stains on a guy’s underwear, or anything else that comes into contact with his bare ass, are not “normal” or something that should be expected–they’re a sign that the guy doesn’t wipe his ass properly. And really, how fucking difficult is it to wipe your ass? Anybody walking around with a dirty ass is probably lazy and thoughtless in a million other ways, as well.
So no, Dan: it’s really not fair to tell SOFAGIRL that she’s partially responsible for what happened to her couch. If they’d just had a messy pegging session it would be one thing–sex is often a messy business, as you say–but there’s no reason that anybody should expect a blowjob to result in shit stains on the furniture.
…As a reasonably cute nerdy girl who gets along with nerdy, often lonely men best, I’d halve my already meager pool of friends if I dropped every guy I knew who I suspected had a thing for me.
(And no, my habit of befriending lonely nerdy boys is not out of some sort of self-centered sadism. I just naturally attract myself to people who like explaining the rules of Magic the Gathering to me and helping me make a D&D character.)
I’m a girl with a lot of guy friends. I’d say about 1/3 of my straight male friends are guys who have been interested in me at some point. Of those friends only one or two have any lingering interest after years of friendship, and both those guys date and are attracted to lots of other girls. including their other female friends. Similarly, another 1/3 of my male friends are people who I had crushes on at some point. Crushes usually only last a year or two. Friendships last dozens of years, long after the attraction is gone.
I don’t think that all guys and girls can be just friends if the attraction isn’t mutual. Some people just have a tendency to lead others on. Some people can’t separate friendly chemistry and romantic chemistry in their mind. But my decade long friendships with guys who liked me for a year or two at the outset are proof that it doesn’t always end poorly, with the guy feeling exploited and carrying an eternal torch.
Biggie @ 15
Hounding a woman to sleep with you for 2.5 years and then sealing the deal with a booze-fueled hookup is your idea of offering a healthy relationship?
Treating her like crap is a good way to get her into your arms? I bet it was really hard for you to find your inner asshole, huh? You probably had to dig really deep to get into character. If treating your love interest like crap is your idea of romance, then you’re the one who needs to grow up.
Finally: So then, what you are saying, is that after having you hang around for years pretending to be her friend, it’s then her job to get you laid? She’s supposed to make sure that your dick is tended to personally by one of her good friends?
Hey, how about this instead? Take a hint and get that the girl you are stalking does not want to have sex with you. She’s just not that into you. Find a girl who likes you for you and then date her. Have sex with her. And then marry her, because you may never find another woman who is willing to look past your “inner asshole”, which I largely suspect is no different than your “outer asshole”.
To anyone who never has skid marks: You must never fart or ride a bicycle.
Agreed with most of the above commenters on JFJ – if girls couldn’t be friends with guys who had crushes on them, girls would not have straight guy friends. Not to say that the girl should lead them on, but JFJ doesn’t mention anything of the sort in her letter. And if guys have the unrequited love going for them, girls have the is-he-friends-with-me-because-he-likes-me-or-does-he-just-want-to-get-into-my-pants. Sucks on both sides.
I think Dan was really off base in his advice to SOFAGIRL. First of all, I’ve been having sex with men for 30 years, and NONE of them have ever left shit stains on anything. I wonder about the men Dan’s known if leaving trails of shit is a norm in his world. It’s a hygiene problem on SOFAGIRL’S boyfriend’s part, not the standard for men. It’s inappropriate, and sort of abusive to suggest that SOFAGIRL should have anticipated this problem or helped create it. A year and a half ago on the podcast, a man called who didn’t want to give his girlfriend head. After making several excuses, he came up with, once, his girlfriend had a little bit of toilet paper stuck to her vulva. Dan agreed that was gross, and said that was totally inappropriate and she wasn’t keeping up her personal hygiene. She was solely responsible. So I have to wonder why, according to Dan, it’s okay for men to leave smears of shit everywhere (and their sex partners share responsibility for it) but it’s unacceptable for a woman to, once, have some toilet paper stuck to a part of her anatomy that’s hard to see.
I also take exception to his accusation that JFJ has been exploiting her jealous friend. Sure, it’s possible, but nothing in her letter covers that. If she was a sadistic bitch who was using her friend to help her move multiple times, would she be worried enough about his feelings and the situation to write Dan? I think not. I think there’s enough real things people say in their letters to get angry about or make fun of them for, without making things up.
I noticed a few interesting omissions in the advice this week.
1- bums are designed not to leak poo! I don’t think the rectum is even supposed to have much in it under normal circumstances (it’s not like a bladder). Maybe there’s something going on up thurr. Getting that shit checked out should be encouraged.
2- cattle prods are for shocking animals that are several times the size of humans and also in principle no one cares what damage is done to the cow as long as people will still pay money to eat it. Playing with a cattle prod sounds UNSAFE.
3- Yeah, the girl is the one who wrote in with the problem, but I wonder if Dan would have given the same advice to a dude (about a girl who liked him) in the same situation. It seems kind of obvious that they could have an honest conversation about it instead of her acting all sketchy and trying to cut him loose.
SOFAGAL, I wouldn’t blame you if you broke up with the guy for not wiping properly. That’s pretty fucking gross.
But if you are willing to turn the other cheek (heh), you could simply broach the subject with him. The topography of every asshole is different- some people might have ridges as complex as the Rockies, and some are as smooth as the plains. Maybe he just doesn’t know how to deal with his buttscape.
Break it to him gently with a box of baby wipes.
Wow, tons of long comments – can’t read this much shit about shit and being shitty. Back to SLOG.
Dan – I think you were 1 for 3 this week. I’m with everyone else who thinks that skid marks on a couch should not be a normal, expected occurrence. They mean he either A. Didn’t wipe his ass properly or B. Shit himself while receiving a blow job. Both of these things are a problem, and neither of them are her fault.
Also, I think you were off base on your advice for JFJ… I’m with @42. I have had “the hots” for a number of my guy friends (sometimes for several years). I really enjoyed their friendship, and found that I wanted to keep them in my lives, even if it was non-romantically. And the reverse (guy friends crushing on me) has happened plenty of times as well. I am still friends with many of these guys 8-10 years later, and with me (and often them) being married. Hell, I’m willing to bet that almost everyone in their teens and early 20s has had this happen multiple times, on both sides of the fence.
It just seems silly to berate this girl for not breaking it off… If the guy can’t deal with her in his life non-romantically, then HE should break it off. If he can deal, and enjoys the friendship, he shouldn’t. Obviously, she should not do or say anything to get his hopes up, but as long as she’s not doing that, I don’t see what the problem with this situation is.
Since when is a shit stain the natural result of receiving a blow job?! Either this guy does not practice good personal hygiene and doesn’t clean himself properly (gross!) or he has some sort of sphincter malfunction that needs to be examined by a doctor. I’m guessing it’s the first, and that would certainly be a deal breaker for me.
uh biggy @15, why would you assume this guy crushing on JFJ is better dating material than the guys she dates? He is already showing jealousy – how would he act if she dated him? (To be fair, acting distant is not a bad solution, and JFJ should probably let him have that distance.)
Nice stable guys might harbor long term crushes but so do crazy head-cases.
SOFAGAL: You don’t even need baby wipes. Just wet the TP a bit if the sink is close. Works just fine.